Everybody Hates Chris - Free TV on LOL! Network

[Music] 1982 that was the year I turned 13. before I was a comedian I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager I was gonna have women money stay out late I thought it was going to be the bomb [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] boy was I wrong quit getting a bath from the wife to pee off the toilet seat disgusting [Music] thank you foreign [Music] when I was 13 my mother convinced my father to move us out of the project she always said project is just another word for experiment in a lab the government gives rats cheese in the projects the government gives people cheese that can we stop at McDonald's you got some McDonald's money Julius the kids have to eat ain't gotta eat McDonald's you got some bologna in the back I'll pull over my father Julius always kept bologna handy just in case we get one combo man who gets the burger Tanya gets the fries Chris you can have a drink one time I just got ice we moved to an apartment in bedside Brooklyn now had we known that bed style would be the center of a crack epidemic I guess we would have picked someplace else bed style even had his own motto bed style Do or Die look at that look at that those are some of the guys that are gonna die if I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall I'm gonna put my foot so far you're behind you'll have toes for teeth get inside that's my mother Rochelle she had a hundred recipes for whooping ass boy I will slap the Caps off your knees I will knock you into last night I will slap your name out the phone book and call my bell and tell her I didn't that's my younger brother Drew there's nothing worse than having a little brother that's bigger than you my sister Tanya was the youngest and would do anything to get me in trouble Chris clean that mess up Tanya did it did I ask you that since I was the oldest I had to be the emergency adult you smell smoke and you think the house is going to catch fire get your brother and your sister and get out of here if you smell gas and you think the house is gonna blow up get your brother and your sister and get out of here if you smell smoke and your brother catches on fire get your assistant get out of here fortunately the house never caught five and neither did my brother mom why is it that June Tanya get to go to school in our own neighborhood but I have to go all the way out to Brooklyn Beach Brooklyn Beach was a poor Italian neighborhood on the other side of town it was just like bedstuy take away the gangs add the mob because the junior high school around here is like a hoodlum Factory are those white kids they get an education not a Harvard type education just to not sticking up a liquor store type education he did hey baby oh what's up Dad hey Daddy hey baby Tanya was my father's favorite meal Chris made it too lumpy and she knew it I know you're not gonna throw that away eat that that's 30 Cent worth of oatmeal my father always knew what everything cost that's a dollar nine fit in the trash that's two dollars on fire that's 49 of spilled milk dripping all over my table somebody gonna drink this milk baby did you see this well I paid this it says you paid half I know I gave you all the money how come you only paid half the bill I cannot even believe that you're asking me that just asking you a question I'm trying to find out what's going on no you're not you're questioning my judgment you act like there's not a big red Bill sitting on the table okay fine my parents taught me love is never having to say kiss my ass where the stamps at I was never cool growing up the coolest thing about me was this pair of white sneakers I had oh no no no no no boy you are not going to school with no sneakers believe it or not there was a time when you couldn't wear sneakers everywhere why everybody else wears sneakers because you look raggedy and plus you have an assembly today you know lost your mind my mother hated raggedy she always said it's better to be poor and neat than rich and Raggedy I think she said that because we were poor yeah where Drew's good shoes I hate these shoes and everybody will make fun of me at school you've only been on there for a week you don't know everybody I was the only black kid at the school they know me this is so embarrassing how come he's wearing my shoes cause you only have one pair of feet but Chris don't fool around after school I need you to be here to let you and Tanya in okay you won't be here no I got to work today but you know the drill yeah yeah I know I know daddy's gonna be asleep and don't wake him up till five o'clock that's right Chris you got your bus pass yeah um somewhere around here you keep on you lose this bus pass and your behind is going to be walking to school oh it's two dollars for lunch thanks all right be good bye baby oh your sister's hand no go on the street Keisha was the girl next door at 13 I didn't know a lot about sex but I knew she had something to do with it hey Drew Drew what's up Keisha you know her yeah Drew was so cool he got girls at 10 that I couldn't get until I was 30. listen when y'all get to the house don't ring the bell or knock on the door just wait okay whatever goes to the bathroom go to school that bathroom is so nasty listen if you wake up daddy he's gonna punch me squaring the face if he does that I'm gonna punch you in the face and then he's gonna kill me and wind up in jail do you want Daddy to go to jail no no all right then even when my mother got mad she still made my dad's dinner Mama vegetables potatoes and his favorite a big piece of chicken I had to take two buses to school every day was the junior high school across the street really that bad much like rock and roll school shootings were also invented by blacks and stolen by the white men my first bus was the 26th I read the newspaper every single day I learned more on the way to School my next bus was the 44th I was the only black person on the bus and nobody would sit next to me I mean nobody if you think she's mad now wait till her daughter brings home OJ my mother thought going to a white school meant I would get a better education and I would be safer wrong that's Joey Caruso a little Thug with a big chip on his shoulder you know I managed before I wore these shoes nice shoes Bojangles oh Jangles that's not what your mother called me when I was tap dancing in her drawers last night I know you think I'm crazy but if I let him get away with that he'd be doing it all year now I couldn't beat him but I thought maybe I could out black him what did I stutter you know who I am you step on my shoe again I'm gonna tell you who I am I don't play that I'm from bed stop boy I bring half of Marcy up in here I will beat your butt so bad you're gonna need crutches in your sleep hey this might work what's your name Chris Chris I'm Dr Raymond your new principal I get off my feet that's funny that's not funny what's your name son Crusoe pick yourself up next time you come to my school see those shoes they say something they say I'm a student I want to learn I want more of that unless it is and bump into me again even though Caruso was messing with me getting embarrassed made him even madder so you know what's coming next this isn't over oh he got away with calling me that day but later in life he said it at a DMX concert and almost got stomped to death hey you really from bedside do or die yeah you ever been shot no well at least not yet I'm Greg i'm Chris Greg williger wasn't my first choice for a friend but Mutual ass kicking seemed to bring people together cool shoes you know if that was a new principle who's the oldest didn't touch her I don't know what they're talking about Mr Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network senses the school settled the lawsuit out of Clark and he's not allowed to teach anymore if he moves to your neighborhood you'll get a warning back at home my father should have been in bed but he'd rather lose sleep than money what are you doing I'm paying the bills see it says forty dollars I'm paying forty dollars and that's exactly why I don't let you pay the bills where are you going to work is Chris gonna be home in time to wake me up can I see in the future what's wrong with you probably can't see in the future by lunchtime I was starving I'm gonna go get a hot dog I'm gonna get a slice of pizza give me back my plus pass you want it take it okay after school Satchmo [Music] after school I had a plan this is crazy man it's a school fight School fights only last a minute somebody always comes and breaks them up all I have to do is get in the first punch somebody will stop it should be over any minute [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that you don't give me tomorrow I bet I do you do cut that off your bunch of Woods back up I was still hungry but I was almost home what could go wrong now [Music] that girl's trying to get me killed girl do what Daddy's going to jail I told her to quit I told you to go to school this we're going in but once we get in I don't want to hear any noise none do you understand yes [Music] my father always slept in his uniform that way when he woke up he'd be ready to go aren't they bills [Music] foreign [Music] you may not think messing up a paying 40 shoes is such a big deal but you have to realize that my father's car only cost 65 I had to get those shoes clean [Music] oh for the first time that day things were going all right all I had to do now was keep everybody quiet till five o'clock dad time to get up it's five o'clock yep it's not 459. what job am I going to you're driving a truck hello hey hey baby it's Mommy is your father up yep good good take his plate out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven for him what Blake the one with the big piece of chicken [Music] haven't I told you do not eat the big piece of chicken but I was still hungry my mother wasn't really mad at me she was looking out for my father you see how big he is she didn't want him to go to work hungry because if he goes to work hungry then it'll be grouchy and if he's grouchy he might call his boss cracker and if he calls the boss cracker then we're living in the projects again but do not eat the biggest piece of chicken do you understand they'll at least you to mess up your school shoes come over here and give me some sugar [Music] go to bed [Music] what I'm not trying to tell you what to do but I'm working hard trying to pay for this place it's just because you make money doesn't mean you know how to spend it you got to know how to work the system what system the debt system I run this house like they run the country on a deficit we're just doing the third I don't pay it to the ninth because you don't get your check till the 7th if you pay the light bill now I won't have money for the groceries the rent will be late and then you'll have to work overtime you want to work overtime again Julius no I don't think so if we don't owe people money we won't have any money at all um oh oh uh why didn't you just say that then I guess you got you baby I'm sorry okay I told you to open a mail anyway you know last time you said Pookie y'all got pregnant you're always my poopy okay a little bit my dad always checked on us in between jobs his night job and his late at night job death hey man I thought you were asleep I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken that was 89 worth of chicken but you didn't get enough to eat at school I was still hungry now I'm still hungry look next time you lose some extra at breakfast okay I don't go pulling this money off somebody tried to rob you don't tell your mother about this everything okay at school I didn't tell him about the fight my dad went to school during a Civil Rights era after hoses tanks and the dog bites on your ass somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare my father wasn't the type to say I love you he was one of four fathers on the Block I'll see you in the morning when he was coming home coming home was his way of saying I love you unplug that clock boy you can't tell time when you sleep it's two cents to know [Music] foreign [Music] since I was the only black kid at my school I thought people stared at me all the time because they were fascinated I know Gary Coleman but I found out it would just scare to me come out of that classroom for a whole week can you tell me what's going on there's a rumor about the fight I had a fight with Caruso the school Booth he beat me so bad I had to take the Underground Railroad home but somehow that story turned into this store Chris hit him in the jaw so hard my tooth fell out Krishna Cruz's eye out put it back then knocked it out again crispy the snot out of him you can check his nose no snot Chris chased him home knocked out his family then took their house now in a rumor like this gets started you never know where it's gonna end up are you sure about that yes sir after Chris cake this thing after he said and I better not see you trying to smile cracker cracker cracker Dr Raymond was a school principal and the last thing I needed was for him to think I was making trouble thanks that kid snitched so much he made more money than the teachers [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] my brother Drew loved karate and he didn't take lessons all he had to do was see somebody do something and then he could copy it today you call that a music producer [Music] breathe breathe what are you doing practice it correct what are you gonna do with karate my father didn't see the reason of learning anything that didn't get you a job [Music] so how's school Chris working on anthropology or paleontology something complicated I bet my mother thought I was learning all kinds of things because I went to a white school nope it's just regular arithmetic y'all hear that white kids are working on the arithmetic around here they're still doing math my mother always thought bigger words meant something better okay said a blessing baby it's the meat we don't have any didn't you buy some pork chops no that meat was too expensive I know we got some canned spam some Vienna sausage or bacon or some beef jerky so I mean what kind of meal is that without meat it's a vegetarian meal do I look like a vegetarian to you I work 60 hours a week I lift papers and boxes all night I don't want vegetables I need meat didn't you get paid today I quit my job yesterday oh I need you to be home early on Thursday so I can pick up my check how come you quit they were disrespecting me Julius my father always worked two jobs which made my mother so comfortable she'd quit her job over anything check please and I mean anything now do I look like I have your check all that hollering at people I don't need this my husband has two jobs I don't need to be here right now my calls who are you hollering at hold my calls hold the whole damn call I do not need this my man has two jobs my mother seemed to always find work when she need it so my father didn't complain that much that's okay baby I guess all those other people are just crazy I know I'm wrong I'll be damn [Music] Ed how about steak sauce I got steak sauce hey killer I've heard what you've been saying Meadowlark what haven't been saying anything you don't think I have no problems without people thinking I'm going around stopping other people's teeth out do I need that and who's been saying it then there's gotcha back guys and I'll be back guys [Applause] Greg was a I'm running like a guy you two in my office now Dr Raymond hated his job because he didn't get paid enough [Music] so he blew off steam by dancing the nights away with a few close friends [Music] [Music] do you think I like calling you into my office [Music] that's not a rhetorical question what's your rhetorical question it's a question that doesn't need an answer because you already know the answer when you ask it who asked you exactly now let me be clear if I have any more trouble from either of you you're going to detention detention was a step up from my old school in my old school if you did something wrong you had to fight the principal you won't fight so bad fight me you should have seen what happened when he tried to suspend her why am I in trouble you heard he beat me up no I didn't and he called me a white cracker can you believe this cracker you got a point son any more trouble that's detention ain't this about a what's this me fresh sausage links I got a deal from the meat man in Bed Stuy getting a deal meant you brought something that was stolen now everybody knew this stuff was stolen which was cool as long as it wasn't stolen from you hey it's mine Julius look at all of this sausage every meal for a whole week time quit your job maybe you have a little variety huh meat is good for society [Music] kids saw me getting Chase home and now everyone's afraid of me who sells already beaten the heck out of me every day and I can't even try to defend myself if I get to the tension me you know I can't take this why are you just punch him in the face you did do it before I just walk up there and pow punch him in the face I had a plan which didn't include getting beat down chased home answered his attention it was like I was getting my ass kicked for getting my ass kicked back at home my mother was cooking I never knew how many meals you could make with sausage chicken fried sausage sausage on the stick Kung Pao sausage but there was only one problem I hate sausage oh come on baby you haven't even tried it that's cause I hate sausage that look means there's a smack over here if you want it can she just eat a vegetables I thought vegetables wasn't a meal now I should send you to Africa since you don't want to eat my mother could deal with a lot of things but a child who wouldn't eat was not one of them you're gonna sit there until you eat that sausage that look means I'm still thinking about knocking you out of that chair foreign go to bed girl people go to war over a lot of things oil Land lies but this one started over sausage oh Caruso tortured me every chance he got battery a g they're packing heavy come on man let's just go no no I'm getting tired of him oh [Music] yeah if I had a brick I'd hit him maybe he didn't see who threw it now where were these guys when Tupac got shot [Music] after being beat down and set up by Caruso detention was about the safest place I could be as long as I followed the rule the rules are clearly posted I suggest you read them the rules were simple you talk 10 minutes of detention if you eat 10 minutes of detention if you sleep 10 minutes of detention if you did anything in detention other than sit down and shut up ten minutes of detention since I was a new guy in detention everybody tried to get me in more trouble what 10 minutes well for what 20 minutes I didn't tell my mother I was in detention because then she'd come up to the school and there's nothing worse than a Mad Black Woman at an all-white School I thought I told you to be here so I could pick up my check I missed my bus what were you doing that you missed your bus I just forgot oh so you forgot to come home I'll look pathetic and she'll take pity uh what's this it's a bucket and a mop for mopping to the steps the bathroom and the hall just to help you to remember to get your butt home on time I'm going to pick up my check after two days Tanya hadn't taken a bite of sausage and after having it for breakfast lunch and dinner she wasn't the only one who hated it now if it's good isn't it good baby yeah yeah it's good there's no sausages we had this morning I'll tell you that anybody want some cake does it have does it have sausage in it we didn't usually have cake but my mother was trying to get at Tanya can I have some cake you gotta have some sausage I told you sausage another day another sausage look Tanya if you don't want sausage then you're probably better off eating lunch at school then I hate school lunch you want some sausage what is thank you mom in Chinese when my brother got into something he got into it you know he's getting Asian girls to this very day Chris I didn't get my check yesterday because I was late getting over there I need you to have your behind home on time do you understand me boy yes ma'am how many days did you get three oh I'd rather get in there I can't be late getting home today you're late 10 minutes right outside the door outside is not inside 20 minutes would you like to try for 30 minutes I wonder how many minutes I'd get for knocking her upside to head with this book foreign that look means get in this house before I smack the wax out your ears baby just try it it's good [Music] after a few days of sausage for breakfast lunch and dinner would you believe my mother started running out of ideas sausage and Pop-Tarts you're eating the sausage [Music] can I talk to you for a minute well excuse me children your father would like to talk to me let's talk [Music] baby if she doesn't eat they can call child welfare on us Julius that little girl is testing me and if I let her tell me what she will and won't eat the next thing you know she'll be telling me what she will and won't wear then the next thing you know she'll be telling me when she will and won't come home and then the next thing you know she's gonna end up pregnant and I ain't taking care of no babies my mother always thought anything that Tanya did wrong would eventually get her pregnant and she ain't taking care of no babies but it's been two days Julius it's been three days right three days [Music] did you feed her something [Music] peanut butter sandwich when your mama comes down talk to the side so she can't smell your breath and eat the crust I don't like girls just eat a girl would you believe my father had to come back and finish the crust sorry baby I understand what you're trying to do we could put her on punishment whatever I mean but we have to feed her the next time why don't you let somebody know before you buy a whole crate of sausage thank you next time I want to let somebody know when you quit your job I'm sorry hey uh I'm just going to tell you I'm gonna get chicken next time okay man got some hook up with chicken Dr Raymond pulled me out of detention because he thought talking to me would keep me out of trouble son I know things are rough for you here but just because you don't have a father but uh I do have a father well when your mother's on drugs my mom's not on drugs I understand but being born a crack baby is no excuse he wasn't born a crack baby look son I'm trying to help you I know it's rough but I suggest you try to fit in and the next time you throw a battery that's an automatic suspension why do I have to get suspended because the one that started it he's calling me names and beat my butt every chance he gets I never called him a cracker sure about this yeah to this day I don't know if you believe me or he thought I was packing foreign trouble spaghetti tonight it was the only time that week she made a meal that actually went with sausage hey it's 10 speed and brown shoe what no detention today look why don't you just leave me alone I mean what do you want me to do go around and tell everybody that you beat the heck out of me yeah fine I'm just getting tired of you messing with me oh I'm just getting tired of you messing with me you just can't reason with a bully I don't care Greg I told you running like a I know it looks like I'm taking the high road but all I'm doing is buying time remember bullies are kind of like dogs they usually don't chase you unless you run [Music] just how long is he gonna wait to stop this [Music] all of you in my office now pick that stuff up fight numerous internal injuries Sam Caruso go to detention still felt good [Music] night I got home on time my mother got her check but Tanya still wouldn't eat her sausage baby just try it okay I don't like it like it but if you don't try it you'll never know I didn't used to like your father and now I do I definitely didn't like you Tanya but never liked you and I hated your mother come on baby you can do it just try it okay [Music] it's good [Applause] now I'd love to sit here and tell you that we had to sort of loving family that worked at all its problems with love compassion and patience that we ended every day with hugs and laughter but here's what really happened that night foreign baby just try it okay I don't like it don't go eat the sauce can you hear me God did you think I'll play with you it took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tanya's behind but eventually Tanya did eat her sausage and as for my mother well to this very day she still ain't raising no babies [Music] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: LOL Network

Views: 1,571,435

Keywords:

Id: hRbNHAckQyQ

Length: 41min 12sec (2472 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 11 2023