Cartels and A Good Man - ralphthemoviemaker

this is an actor you might have heard of his name is steven seagal say hi to everyone stephen under siege in films like that that put steven seagal on the map the movies he's in you can't even call bad they're just straight up scams they're just horrendous i want to explore steven seagal's late acting career and his work with movie director keoni waxman responsible for directing such hits as maximum conviction starring steven seagal and steve austin he has also directed a good man mercenary absolution also known as absolution it's actually the mercenary absolution pickup title two hours right back where it all started [ __ ] you [ __ ] they have about 10 films together that's more than like robert de niro and martin scorsese i came here to make a deal with you and any good businessman would always hear what another man has to say i'm prepared to throw money down tony waxman brings absolutely no personality or style to this kind of action movie the only thing he has going for him is steven seagal seems to be willing to work with him well i'm sorry to hear that because now i will snatch every [ __ ] birthday keone waxman directed cartels contract to kill end of a gun mercenary absolution a good man force of execution true justice starring steven seagal maximum conviction a dangerous man on every single one of the posters stephen's goal is like a fat disgusting mess all i would have to make on youtube for the rest of time is reviews of steven seagal movies there are so many of them you don't want to be a gangster i could do it forever that's part of the life [ __ ] he's stupid i mean i am the king of improv an arrogant there are so many bad movies to cover how much more of my life can i waste on this [ __ ] wasted my life i was not born on a [ __ ] turnip truck man cartels is a 2016 action film starring steven seagal and i was not born on a [ __ ] turnip truck let's watch the official trailer 72 hours ago my team confirmed location of salazar salazar is the boss of one of the most violent cartels in eastern europe steven seagal is a producer on this movie he is a producer on many of his own film steven seagal does not even stand up in the movies he stars in why not i set out on a mission to find a movie where steven seagal stands up or maybe even does some fighting after searching for a long time i finally came across the film cartels you see steven seagal stand up run around and do some fighting i think he's holding his gun wrong cartels also goes by the alternate title killing salazar why do these movies need alternate titles killing salazar aka cartels was directed by keone waxman it might be the worst movie they've made together which is really saying something don't you think the technical aspects of this movie such as the lighting editing and basically anything else you can think of is half-assed and cheaply done the stunts aren't impressive the music sounds like it's from a stock music website the movie takes place in a lot of conference rooms hotel rooms interview rooms cheap locations that are not that interesting to look at the movie starts with about a million logos for film companies that you've never heard of action house are these even real oh great a ton of text i have to read at the beginning the bratzy krug known as the brother circle an international drug cartel carved from blood and fire the man behind the empire joseph salazar aka the great white shark oh moore half colombian half russian wed to the daughter of the head of the circle the rise of salazar can be charted through the bodies left in his wake their stock footage of cars burning and news footage cut to steven zegoll running around holding a shotgun then they cut to luke goss sitting in an interview room then a name comes up i guess that's the name of the character oh no his name is tom jensen so that was just credits the credits are intercut between title cards telling you who the characters are [Music] these transitions are completely pointless you are aware of the circumstances that led to the assignment of that day was steven seagal on drugs when they were filming this scene i want m.i.a not to mention the disappearance of the crew boss joseph imagine the disappearance of the o2 the delivery of his next line is so bad they don't even cut to him saying it obviously your statements uh include a large areas of omission omission i want to see if we can set up a situation where i can clarify some of this i need to like raise the audio he has these terrible designer glasses that are yellow and this black leather jacket is steven seagal adjusting his glasses they look way too small for his head basically steven seagal plays a dea agent named john harrison who's interrogating jensen on a botched protection mission for this guy salazar salazar is the head of a massive cartel but he flipped to work for the dea they sell crack according to the opening an epidemic of crack in new york is now out of control they're selling crack the way it's told is so confusing though so as you know we are now on what is considered your soil which means you're bound by the you testified that she wasn't injured during the gun battle so i'm a little confused the story is told in a non-chronological order which just makes it even more convoluted if only i could understand what steven seagal was saying [Music] everybody knows the drill everybody knows the drill there's gonna be a commenter i didn't like the part the steven seagal impression oh sorry to hear that they gave him a little prop to work with he can uh point things out on the piece of paper they got this entrance down everything is exactly the way we wanted that's an obvious body double they're not even trying to hide it saying dialogue while his mouth isn't moving everything is exactly the way we want it make sure we do not kill this [ __ ] 72 hours ago my team confirmed location of salazar and in his number two men bruno sinclair and green lit the operation once and for all that's the word go i listen to this steven seagal infiltrates salazar's mansion i don't even need to say anything during these scenes [Applause] why was that a necessary addition i don't think anyone does that in real combat steven seagal constantly switches shoulders what's the point of constantly switching like that salazar reaches for a gun and he just shoots him and that's it isn't that the point of the movie killing salazar and it happens 10 minutes into the movie and steven seagal basically has no reaction to it i'll get him out of here so that's kind of disappointing there's a twist later on that salazar is actually alive how is that possible it's dumb did he indicate to you that he knew the true nature of the mission this woman sitting behind steven seagal does not say anything the entire movie this is the [ __ ] come to jesus moment and i was not born on a [ __ ] turnip truck man turnip truck and i was not born at night i was born in a bright [ __ ] sunny day man and i've been doing this for a long time i wasn't born at night i was born on a bright sunny day do not think i'm [ __ ] new do not think you can play me get to the [ __ ] nitty-gritty here what the [ __ ] happened it might be hard to tell but this scene is 40 minutes into the movie you see any weapons it's basically halfway through and steven seagal is still sitting down in the same room with no sign of him getting up at any point seems like i'm getting a straight answer somehow now maybe we can start to get to the [ __ ] bottom of this so chavez was captured then what happened salazar is alive because he was flipped by the dea and they faked his death so that his cartel would not suspect anything and just go about their normal operations this is all explained in like two lines of dialogue it's so brief as far as how they were able to fake his death they really don't get into that at all i guess it was a body double then he goes upstairs and comes across this random bartender he doesn't report this interaction to anyone else this bartender is later revealed to be a bad guy did you report it to child as your supervisor no sir why does he have two watches on they throw in this random emotional scene where this guy's like i served under your dad in iraq okay the cartel guys show up to kill salazar in the hotel they're posing as a soccer team and they're led by salazar's right-hand man bruno sinclair the character of bruno sinclair is played by george some pierre he has been a recurring role in the mcu he stars in captain america winter soldier and he also stars in falcon and the winter soldier he barely gets an opportunity to fight and when he does it's with fat ass steven seagal he's supposed to be playing the villain the right-hand man of a cold and calculating cartel leader who are you that looks like a body double for steven seagal right there do you think i'm here to put you in jail no sir what what am i watching the rest of the movie takes place in this hotel basically and it's supposed to be kind of die-hard-ass by that i mean it's set in one building i don't mean it's as good as die hard whoa what he just got up steven seagal is only saying lines whenever the camera is pointing away from his head because all of his lines are dubbed in god stand down i couldn't hear what he said the first time get this soldier out of here and then he just sits back down in the same chair and the scene continues like nothing happened another thing that's been bothering me i'm just kind of trying to put together the pieces and wondering why salazar was fighting besides coney backing sconey up which is another real [ __ ] up kind of bizarre combination of monkey [ __ ] they send in the fbi to negotiate with bruno sinclair and i guess this is the point in the story where steven seagal comes in clearly on a different set on a different day at the end of the movie he has to arrest this guy bruno sinclair this is the big climax of the film and it's supposed to be this badass action sequence firstly when steven seagal enters the building he's holding his gun wrong again he's lumbering around because he's so damn fat steven seagal has such good accuracy he only needs to hold his gun with one hand he approaches bruno sinclair there's one of his allies bodies like on the floor so he sits down and like i don't know what he's doing also that looks like a body double so when steven seagal is done comforting the body or something maybe he was looting it for ammo the sound effects are over the top what you have is a fight scene that is really funny but not good steven seagal throws him through a table he does a lot of bad kicks and punches the action scenes are [ __ ] awful look at that body armor he has on that isn't the padding of his suit they just put that on him to hide the fact that he's so fat i don't even know what he's supposed to be saying there what does that mean i looked up the subtitles apparently if you translate whatever the hell he's trying to say it means it's okay come on the sound mixing is so bad i can't even hear what he said finally he sticks a knife in this guy's neck because steven seagal is the good guy and he's a producer he wins the fight even though it doesn't make any sense they cut back to that interview room which is in a building marked world trade center there was supposed to be some kind of twist that you were supposed to care about did you know that amanda told us real last name steven seagal sounds bored by this twist i can take it from your reaction that you're a little surprised amanda chavez was the little sister of joseph the de facto head of the brother's circle krug for the last 20 years and the reason why everything went sideways is that mike daryl was too [ __ ] stupid and greedy to realize that even the most outrageous violent person like salazar still has some kind of morals and ethics and at this one we have no idea where anybody is or how we can find them and they've gone completely off the grid how we can find them find them does he know that was bad well he could just do another take find them and they've gone what was that i couldn't even hear what the hell he said and that's his body double again you said joseph salazar and amanda's are dead how'd they die who gives a [ __ ] what's going on anymore the sellers already give you anything no matter how many skills like steven seagal's minuscule penis oh they did a little handshake that's really cool i'm curious would you have shot shot is by the van that day if you suspected she was always our sister there should have been more of a flow to how he said it he should have said like would you shot chavez that day by the van if you would suspected that she was his sister i'm curious would you have shot chavez that day by the van if you had suspected that she was his sister i'm curious would you have shot chavez that day by the van if you'd suspected that she was his sister i'm curious would you have shot shot is he just like gets tired with your shot chavez in the middle of this sentence would you shot shot is by the van that day if you suspected she was always our sister would you have shot shelves by the van that day if you suspected that and then like the rest of the line he just [ __ ] mumbles out of his ass and then luke goss rides off in the sunset on his motorcycle that's the end of the film the film is really just a boring pastiche of a bunch of action movie cliches from better movies that you've seen like die hard any action movie about a few characters being locked down in one location then they transition to all these pointless scenes with these actors that aren't really worth billing on the poster yet they fill up a majority of the screen time luke goss the girl salazar they're just not that interesting they try to give them some funny banter but it just falls flat on its face is that what we smell like weird the only genuinely funny parts of the movie is whenever steven seagal is on screen and i was not born at night i was born in a bright [ __ ] sunny day man with a budget of six million dollars it made a total of 100 000 from video sales some of the worst parts are just watching steven seagal walk around trying to look cool holding a gun with one hand any attempts this movie makes at trying to be cool end right at this guy sadly that's all i have to say about cartels do you know what happened to her turn up before moving on to the next movie i just want to read off a quote that steven seagal said about keone waxman i think that kyoni is one of the brightest young men out there i think he's a wonderful director who understands editing looping i don't know why he used those examples you know a good man from the year 2014 is another keoni waxman and steven seagal team up steven seagal looks especially bad in this movie what's going on let's enjoy a good man a film by keone waxman the opening of the film is going for some apocalypse now vibes with the fades and the way the camera pans and the emphasis on the helicopters it's definitely inspired by apocalypse now why a good man starts the same way every one of his films start he's on a random mission somewhere doing something they cut to random stock footage of drones then they cut to steven seagal damn mumbling like an ass you got 15 [ __ ] in there with guns and you know it this intel is [ __ ] up what is the point of this this character never shows up again his body there but before we stick our dick into anything we're gonna sneak up and take a good look before we commit here's the dead enemies and live friends and all y'all [ __ ] going home roger that i thought steven seagal would call him in later to help out but no they're using human shields no joy no joy no joy he brings a sword with him which he uses to kill one of the terrorists i don't know if soldiers on a mission to hunt down like a terrorist would bring a sword with them then i guess he kills one of the targets no joy on the secondary time no joy on the second target why does he keep saying it no joy on the secondary time they're launching an airstrike against the terrorists who steven seagal just killed and he found out that there are a bunch of children in the building so he tries to call off the airstrike they cut the stock footage of a missile coming in and they jump out of the building there's a huge explosion and it turns out that the girl is dead steven seagal let the child die years later he's still having nightmares about how the mission was a failure and how he let a child get killed steven seagal befriends his neighbors a woman who works as a bartender in a strip club and her younger sister brought you a new lock and let's say you and your sister want to keep using a screwdriver we cut from that to this strip club these scenes are not gratuitous at all this isn't gratuitous steven seagal just shows up at the strip club i don't know why he just stands around and talks to the bartender i don't really come here to drink it's just kind of a bad neighborhood you're walking through outside this guy starts harassing her so steven seagal beats him up clearly a body double afterward they go for a walk in a dark alleyway like you do and walk up to a group of vladimir's henchmen vladimir sent you tell vladimir putin to say say to me take this i'm going to talk to these guys can you do that for me and he gets into a fight scene with them one of the guys pulls out a gun then steven seagal kills them then he proceeds to light some sticks and tosses them next to the body what the hell was that steven seagal is qui low which is why he left those sticks there he left his mark again with the incense and the chinese writing quite low it means white ghost and he's supposed to be this really intimidating vigilante and no one knows who he is until the very end of the film the henchmen go to steven seagal's apartment he beats them up then he has dialogue and i guess those guys on the floor are dead are they unconscious did they run away meanwhile to keep her safe steven seagal brings her to a church to hide out they established the church earlier in the movie with this scene where steven seagal walks in and talks to the priest the bad guys go to the club the brother tries to negotiate to get his sister back and they just get in a fight scene that sucks then they leave the club and steven skull is outside in the alleyway he kills everyone except this guy it's a very very special compound but it's gonna be slow and [ __ ] painful who he tortures by putting some kind of liquid in his nose i that sums it up perfectly that is exactly the way steven seagal approaches these movies i'm glad he said that i'm glad we now have a quote of him saying that that is the best line delivery he has done in a long time and that's because it's true nothing encapsulates this guy more i really don't give a [ __ ] steven seagal makes a deal with mr chen to bring him money and then they can get the sister back steven seagal goes back to the church and finds the priest character beat up and the priest tells him that the older sister was kidnapped and this is when steven seagal says the line well i'm sorry to hear that cause now i will snatch every [ __ ] birthday steven seagal brings them a bag of money to try to buy back the girl but they don't accept the money so he just starts killing everyone i thought you're a man of honor i thought you were gonna keep your word i thought we had a deal but it's time to make a deal did you notice the bug flying around they could have done another take or they could have cgi'd it out or something i got some bad news for you see i lied for a living too and guess what i'm not a handyman i'm a professional killer this is when steven seagal reveals that he was qualo and he killed those guys in the alleyway left the incense there everything in the movie revolves around him and how supposedly cool he is [Music] nice sound effect is how you want to go out a man of war a son of guan like this killing a child you look at the total summation and see your last breath is this it even the villain at the end of the film realizes the error of his ways and thanks steven seagal for showing him the path it took an adversary to show me the significance of life and death so the bad guy and steven skull have a sword fight that is the ends of the movie sitting through this monstrosity was absolute torture and the title itself is wrong he is not a good man he's a fat man he's a piece of trash do not bother wasting your time on this crap the film was a huge bomb it has now gained a reputation of being one of the worst steven seagal late career films it's become a trend actually where many internet personalities youtubers podcasters make fun of steven seagal movies this likely isn't the first time you've heard of a good man the movie but i hope i brought some fresh perspective on it that's what it is be sure to check out steven seagal 3 if that ever happens i don't know if it will i plan on checking out more steven seagal films in the future such as the keeper from 2009 which is the first time keone waxman and steven seagal work together cartels is the last time they work together then there's a few other ones i want to cover most of the steven seagal films i want to cover are keoni waxman's movies i haven't seen some of them yet and i want to get like a fresh perspective on it cartels in this instance uh there's a lot of stephen segal sitting down and even though it's a later era film he does stand up a bit more than usual which is why i picked it attrition is an interesting one i'm excited to cover that one that's not directed by keone waxman but that film is actually written by steven seagal so that one's more of a passion project for him you know there's just a million of them that you could review and talk about and dissect and make fun of and there's tons of scenes and shots of steven seagal where he's fat and you know you could just i could just do it forever that's what i mean i don't like steven seagal i think he's gross the films he makes and stars in are really bad and i think they're funny and they're worth covering so let's continue to make fun of them

Channel: ralphthemoviemaker

Views: 632,496

Keywords:

Id: _RAT6ZJMxy8

Length: 25min 26sec (1526 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 21 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/DiogoSN]

I dare you to make a movie with Bruce Willis and Steven Segal in it. Good luck havin' them in the same fuckin' scene.

[u/Regionare]

Banger Ralph video about these trainwrecks lol

[u/DennisCherryPopper]

Never thought I'd see a CumTown mention in a Ralph video