Call Me Dad: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence | Real Stories Full-Length Documentary

[Music] it's like having their blades swinging above your head something may happen you don't know when and you don't know why or where I can hear the yelling going on and I'm gonna try get some help to you now so just hold well I call triple zero he came charging towards me but he grabbed my dick see I'll kill you I'll kill you her partner has come home who's extremely violent she's currently locked herself in the bathroom at home and she's waiting on place to arrive at the moment I can hear yelling in the background and it sounds like things being thrown I just flipped just had no control no control he would regularly threatened to slit my throat there was his favorite one my big fear is that our kids will end up like us if we keep pushing someone into a corner yeah what do you think's gonna happen yeah and she'd be freaked out the way that I'm acting at the moment cuz it's possessing but just saw her I get clients where places attended or he's pushed her and shoved her and then the first thing she's done is got a case got into the car and left and then spoken to him saying I can't do this anymore you need to get help and that's when my phone or ring [Music] Cisco David can Justin I'm a big believer men can change I know I've changed we don't have to live like this what's at stake is my family [Music] start focusing on your breath just breathing and taking a nice deep breath and breathing out now I want you to go back to a time when you had an explosion what's happening with your physical body when you're in buildup right knee twitches hands clenched into fists stomach cramps arms tense glassy eyes headache black out just try doing that again get over it I am so angry I'm done I've had it I want a dog belittled flustered Al I'm stressed confronted agitated uneasy but I feel heard feel like yelling I feel justified and frustrated I'm a involves volunteer and angry and smash stuff and pushed her around the bubble abuse is terrible grab hold of it and pinned on the unbend and almost you know almost well a wild soul strangling her I've been doing this for the last 15 years and I've literally worked with hundreds of men who is no typical abuser there's no typical client these men come from all walks of life I grew up in an abusive family my father was very loud very controlling in the last four or five years I've become very loud very controlling I'm here because I want to stop the abuse I want my kids to be happy and safe [Music] no drugs no alcohol I have zero tolerance to violence so no threats and they put downs no violence if I hear that there's been an act of violence at home Jackie and I have got a duty of care by law to disclose most of them present that they'll do anything they want their family back they want to change this bad behavior they acknowledge it but my biggest concern is how sincere they are how real are they a couple of kids I've been getting told a lot angry angry man alcohol was getting to be a major factor and it made me to rehab fish then to pee into the men's room which referred me under your group I've been controlling the money I've been controlling of their friends I've done everything from grabber to eater child on the ground a lot of things way at along so we move forward from here put a stop to that we try when you say try but this date it's no change overall I think it's really important to stress and I can't stress this enough that it doesn't matter what your partners and kids do doesn't matter what they do Family Violence is absolutely never okay [Music] [Music] it's been brought up many at all about my anger and the way I do things [Music] I've recently separated from the missus no no near b-boy he doesn't talk a lot and diffused little kid at the violent did he's answered everything is aren't I [Music] dissolute kid maybe you didn't show as much attention as I should it's not just the relationship sort of it it happens at work too and I'm thinking gonna turn you don't know prince charming but I've got my plenty more mistakes and the ones I'm making there I was in trouble for motioning adolescent loss for me to come from what I was to where I am now was a big step and now if I wants to tell me that I'm this is wrong and that's wrong I'll see what I can do about it but don't expect me to change overnight [Music] it'd be interesting to find out if you get in and and add it you know because I would mourn you know if it works me get some good pointers I wouldn't want doing it myself you know so about a couple of things I wouldn't want fortune no wants a ring law floor or something what because you don't think it's that bad but if you can talk with someone that's on neutral grounds then is then your name jamort safe someone having a few black eyes uh I think what helps me is just being around bikes that normal bloke lock myself you know it's been a boat cons what what Babel made you but I gotta get back into it before I get in trouble because here start yelling [Music] the thing about explosion is I don't like the word I don't like it because it kind of minimizes it some vice will say to me hey it's like a stick of dynamite I've got these short fuse and I don't know when it's going to go off but when it does it does it can go like that bang my dad had one my brother had one I've got one I know I've got one we actually choose it's a choice to be abusive it's your cycle did you take your partner and your children around this cycle with you this is the man cycle any family following until someone says I can't do this anymore I can't live my life like this [Music] I was abusive myself at some stage I noticed in my relationships as I was growing up if I'd get angry or things weren't going my way I started to sound like my father one day I lost it I smashed up my own car our family car in front of everybody I've got a bit of pipe out of the work vehicle and if I couldn't have the car wall then nobody can have the car and I landed up smashing the windscreen and going helpful whether on it or this bit of pipe these family friends just all stood there frozen and the hard part was the children seeing with children's faces it's pretty tough it's the children's faces reminded me of my own self with my own father looking at this guy he's out of control that was the turning point that was when everyone knew what David could be like to be a real [ __ ] I pledge that I'll never be that man again and I needed to show other men that you can change you can put a stop to this if you really want to I've been trying to shut out thoughts and feelings in a little bit and we expire because it's not constructive but I think basically concentrate on my kids and to be honest thought of shitty moment tonight actually before I come here I was burnin sure of talent murder big day at work I was trying to organize some dinner and then be here on time I mean you're not actually got the sheets up because there was nothing done cuz we have a sort of a deal gown and the kids oh I cook the dinner I do everything for them they help me out we help each other so it's conditional well no is it is that conditional it sounds like everybody putting out a little bit of effort that's what it seems like to me as long as everything everything costs diaper nothing's for free I don't know what where'd you come from but on it kind of the world without thing is free but you know what all the hours a day and you know if my works very very demanding hard at harlot just see what you're doing to it right now what are you doing I'm justifying it yeah stay awake well I didn't want to say no and you you're forcing me to say she'd say almost quite a PC nice ain't nothin now what are you doing to me nothing so this is the thing my site condition to justify well we're not only had a bit [ __ ] file up in Dave right I don't know how to be a father and you know just feeling really uncomfortable we've made challenging you on that uncomfortable I'm shitty a bit so what okay so if you're feeling shitty you must be feeling uncomfortable well I'm not uncle Jackie I'm very comfortable being a shitty person I've been on my life okay but then it's uncomfortable for those around you when you're shooting so it's uncomfortable for you girls hmm probably right I've been to a lot of fights what not only you know with people at the pub or people you go out my father had a fight with him on Christmas Day and it ruined Christmas day I broke my brother's collarbone years ago through fighting I didn't matter if it was the guy down the road my wife my mother anybody who was just what I said and that's how it was and didn't like it you get [ __ ] Nathan's abuse was mental physical emotional towards me and towards his children we used to go out I'd be driving home and he'd be drunk and he didn't like the way I was driving and would just hit me he's explosions were unpredictable that the frightening thing I'd been out with a girlfriend he wasn't happy with me going out so I didn't even bother go on a bed I just went late on the couch and about three o'clock the morning I was woken by him dragging me off the couch by my throat and he email he choked me till the point wrote in le blanked out that was the point where I said enough he refused to leave so I had to leave I knew my kids were safe with him though older so he'd never be physical with them so it was their home so I left and left them with him which in hindsight I wish I'd never done that's my biggest regret my bond with my girls it's gone by getting it back slowly but it's not the same I'll never really be my daughter's all had a great big shed bar what stuff had all the good stuff in there just to drink a lot and that was my life attracts my shade my mates and yeah I didn't really pay any attention to so what was wrong with her I just sort of took the approach to the old style operation I'd know you know and now I can to make Dave because she left me and I was fairly distraught yeah [Music] I'll just make some sandwiches yeah you're happy with that yeah I've got group tonight you know that day yeah [Music] Cisco's done a lot of work prior to coming to us it's very open about wanting to work on himself but has never been able to get tools or skills to change it wants to do this father figure for his children that he's loving supportive and initial we're challenging him I think that's been good for Cisco all right all right let's get the show on the road what's been happening over the week on Saturday my boss unleashed his anger thing like he's he was screaming full on it and I had no idea what he's asked me to leave but I spent a lot of the day thinking could I have done something differently to us to achieve the different outcome and I was playing different scenarios over and over and over again and I was really getting myself worked up and how did that make you feel Oh helpless helpless fearful embarrassed lost confused belittled all those feelings but nominal amount of feeling you took it on that's trying to wake me what was going on the power controls all in his car it sounds like how he's been through it is probably hell like I've tried am I lost it sounds like the universe is giving you a taste of your own medicine you know just saying it I haven't reflected on how my partner feel when I unleash yeah now imagine if that happens all the time whether it's once a day or once a week or once a month it carries [Music] [Music] we meant out the front of taxis in 2005 on the 2nd of May and we fell in love instantly it was yeah about seven o'clock that night I said would you like to go to Ginny and she said yes I was so hungry that I had aunt remains and dessert where Susan had one meal and so the funny thing about that is she thought I was a great listener but I was talking and we got married 12 months after that we spent 12 months you know having fun we went on a three-week honeymoon and then you know got pregnant and then we moved out of home November of 2011 I was really angry we're out the back door I started screaming and I head-butted the door like really hard and I had blood and again and again susan was up on the step I've looked up and she's horrified she wasn't shocked and she said I'm scared of you and that was the most painful thing that I've ever heard come out of Susie this is Beth he's someone that I love telling me that they're scared of me there was a time where my son was not really putting his pajamas on his playing around he could pick up that his dad's really angry saying got up and he went straight in the bed and he said okay sociable we're gonna do it over and over again get out of the bed and do it again get out of the bed do it again so is yelling and yelling and such Paul would curl up in a fetal position my son and it would just be shaking the whole time his strength becomes tenfold I can't stop him he'll push me out of the way and he will harm the children in my opinion when I was a child when my dad got angry I remember feeling scared and I remember as a child thinking I don't want to do this I if I've ever kids I'm not gonna do this Here I am trying to create a beautiful family and everyone scared [Music] Susanna's engaged in the women's program and seeking support too so I really hope she embraces it and he continues to do the work he does [Music] how many women here have felt like they're going crazy just put up your hand if you felt it's really common that you take responsibility you don't know what's real anymore and you feel like you're going absolutely crazy there is shame there is embarrassment where you just think to yourself why's this happened you know did I do it isn't my fault is it something that I triggered I should have been a better life I should have cleaned better I should have earned better I should have done all these things there's all these pressures you start clearing those files in your brain and think hang on it's not me it's a situation that he did when he was angry and it's the decision he made straight after I feel like this group is like open-heart surgery and then you just feel relieved when you walk out you feel like heart there's that support structure yeah so what this was also brought maize strengthening pence for women is not making them accountable or responsible for the men's behavior but it's making them responsible for their own choices in responding to that behavior so it's about educating them with whatever uses the patterns that they're they're part of and giving them tools to do it differently I've personally experienced all forms of abuse and I've witnessed change in my own family my abuse started through my childhood I was sexually abused by my father there was a lot of other subtle abuses there was a lot of manipulation and control and a lot of stuff that wasn't obvious and they had a huge impact on who I was I did a women's program back then and that made a huge difference in the men's program I'm the voice of the women and their children um a reminder for them that this has an impact I wanted to do a debrief after last week I mean what's been going on for you since then what's Matt Justin you just shifted well sometimes a little I don't wanna know when we're talking about anything is put me in a scenario that my old blanket n like it's easy and we've got all the time in the world to be able to do this what I found with men is I'll get the skeptic that'll come along who sits there and goes why should I look of change why should I bother with these ideas and we talk about one of the biggest things is sometimes wanting to let go of power and control and some men just won't look at that in that go I'll say to them that by holding on to that then you'll want him to be abusive so we're gonna have a snapshot you're on the job site all right so we've got a tree that's just fallen pipes broken and waters pouring everywhere we've had a bit of stress with this client prior to this let's hear all the thoughts that are going through your head while all this is happening so I didn't need her [ __ ] on my job yeah so what's going through your head is she here her talking [ __ ] off [ __ ] do you reckon referring to her as a [ __ ] is going to help this situation is that positive what else we thinking what's that - [ __ ] off she's still there talking what are you is [ __ ] pointed on she made a lieberfarb yet nothing you know for me if it you said look this is an accident but rest assured that this will be fixed it's not difficult to fix I'll give you that guarantee excuse my bad habits the vocab skills in the heat of the moment at the end of a day yeah and I guess that's why we're doing these how do we now fray that switch and start thinking the positives about all this what can we be thinking then I won't you won't be afraid I've don't worry we'll leave it there all righty um how to say well we'll do this another time [Music] my chest them just quick never quick words here plates how much did you have to drink before tonight to changed oh I can smell it on you and that's why I'm worried about it's a red book one minute I see you make this really positive shift and then tonight it's almost talking cheese she could bear any tells but on the bed I'll go to [ __ ] into toys with everyone it doesn't give a [ __ ] of it right you're my job all the pressures of my life having a couple under your belts not gonna help it's like pouring petrol in the fire especially if we go in free build-up specially if we're being challenged it just worries me about [Music] he's sailing in a bad place hopefully we can just hold onto him and keep him engaged damage at home is severe he he doesn't have the answers he doesn't have the tools it's just got to a point where it's destroyed the family [Music] the work we do is really challenging we're dealing with people's lives and the reality of what we're doing is quite can be quite serious can be life-threatening right at this moment I want to focus in and support you in those really strong instincts that you had you know you've got previous experience you know how this goes you were able to make a decision on this spot it was time to get out now tonight [Music] being stuck in the house was very scary and obviously you have a child and you want to protect them I just went on autopilot and I grabbed the girls and put them straight in the car where they drove off thinking that I'd never seen I guess it's a fear of change it's been a particular way for so long and what will I do now you've lost your partner and in spite of the fact that it wasn't a very good partner and you've lost although I guess the hopes for the future all the dreams at your head there's nothing that I have done or that I could do that I would deserve to be treated the way it was okay so the first feeling that we all connect we all most of us are connecting we said there's a feeling that I'm being attacked what's underneath that what's the first thing that comes to mind okay what the sound it makes you feel what's under anger okay feel vulnerable as vonner ability make you feel and I feel vulnerable I feel what small so what's I miss feeling small scared yeah when you're behaving badly or reacting to something it will always be fear-based always what are you scared of well losing what I had and I lost the phone yeah my soon-to-be ex-wife rang me up and told me she was serving divorce papers on me today Oh didn't he wente well I'll sort of breakdown on the phone to it yeah that would have been very tough that's emotional for you girls to you because that's the end of their mum and dad's relationship and that's not why you got together yeah so what do we have to do different communicate rather than because the reaction never leads to anything good in some ways you're lucky yeah you've got an opportunity to make change and make this way where some other men don't have that opportunity they're working on themselves so that their future relationships will be different and their relationship with their children will be different they don't have to turn out like we have what luck I have [Music] in some ways it's a struggle because they haven't been taught you know they look at their up really you know they've got to provide they lose sight of the the little things about you know being able to cuddle their children they'll be able to have that talk and watch that child grow so what's happiness a lot of these guys have got no idea [Music] you know family is really important to me my grandson he just recharges my batteries how am I saying like yes he's just so gorgeous and my son my daughter they've kept me balanced kind of fun an internal strengths here we go we're gonna eat it there [Music] I want you to read through the traditional man's royal robe orchid circle any of these points that you can say it's some stage you've you've hung on to and then you might come up with an overall that we haven't fought off and we haven't got on any of this and you think we should add to it what does the Overlook which is the armor yeah you're all starting this is a teacher teach you about women and me who is more important who is responsible for what the old world the old world book would be the woman is responsible for the home yep then the main guys get to work and is there's the Brady the box it's really for closure fee but he hasn't closed his choice what have you and others in Bracken's partner friends children lost by adhering to traditional men's rule book first three things that come out of our mouths myself Oscar and Justin was trust love and family family is missing out and not feeling important and then the reverse of the question what we have created is we've created fear they play adhering to it what a huge cost we had um respect trust marriage and relationship breakdown [Music] you can't change what's happened ya can't change it I just go try to deal with it I'm like you said early on even though you haven't been together with Susan moved on you always hiked hey always absolute yes you get another chance yeah it's very late for that relationship and you have two beautiful girls with you / - I deserve you the best you can be it's not too late for them it's not too late for you it's letting go something you still done [Music] [Applause] my ex-wife could come even want me to sign the divorce papers and I just can't help thinking that might mean just something to hurt me just that one last time and did hate me a lot and maybe I deserve it I don't know maybe I did you can't break down crying every time you see yeah I live in the same tent there's times where I'm gonna run into it then you know even run into her boyfriend never gonna shake his hand I'll say g'day but I know if I had no come to see jacquieanddave he would be you know a whole different place right now and I would probably jail because that's the sort of person I was I know I could walk past him in the street now and just stuck it up on the big boy three positions yeah but we move depending on what we're trying to do up here the persecutor and that's I'm persecuting you I might go too far and I actually see that it's not working and I'm not getting what I want I wear the position of being the rescuer I can move back and persecute more or I might take the position of things the victim I'm just gonna try and role play some statements [ __ ] what would that be persecute a persecutor ha give me a break will ya victim you just like your mother yes I'm not bloody Superman Justin everyone's playing this game who's not playing it I don't play it you don't play it not today not once were you one of those people you weren't a rescue not once today am I right to assume that you're saying these through positions are unhealthy because that's what it sounds like I don't know those three positions are unhealthy it's a survival mode what happens if you do all this you put your thoughts and feelings on the Shelf and listen to the other person and then you want to try and express yourself about what you're going through or whatever and they don't want listen challenges but what happens if it just keeps going on that you wait your turn for for so many weeks or whatever it is or years or years yeah or years for some people and you're there for everyone else and you put your thoughts and feelings on the side to listen and then nothing happens we can only deal with working on us here changing us I got that date so what about my kids we're gonna walk into a society where 80% see 50% of are doing this so you're gonna teach them how do you deal with an online teaching they will respond that way went there because of nature not if you teach this those people have got to be on the same page another day I think so what brought you guys to this group was this type of behavior this is real smoke a coffee go toilet have a break if if nothing's changing at home and only I'm changing then it feels like I'm doing it for nothing I feel like at home I'm playing happy family and the more I see that the more aggravated I am inside how would you imagine it being different how would I imagine it different hmm no guilt no shame live here with me no no pretend happy family so yeah the only way I can describe it so we make three steps gave three steps forward okay six back three steps forward six back happy family real happy family doesn't exist it's a [ __ ] myth what's happening to him is that he's losing his power and control his partner is working on herself she's engaged in a woman's program she's learning to set boundaries and in doing so Sasuke is probably fine in that some of his behavior that he's doing isn't working she's actually calling him on it [Music] hiya Susana its Jackie heavy metal how are you good are you able to talk at the moment okay it's quite stressful for you obviously I can hear in your voice something really serious has happened there's been an incident involving Sasuke and his son yeah but are you feeling safe [Music] I came back from the women's group and I said how the kids everything's great didn't think anything of it went to bed in the morning my son gets up and I notice his cheek was red and I said what happened did you fall at school I didn't notice it when I picked you up he said no daddy hit me and I ran into the room he was sleeping because it was working night shift and I said did you hear now son you guys know I said no I'm going to ask you again did you hit him he has yet but I said I want to he butts get your bags get out of here I don't want to see you ever again I reported it to the police and DHS I'm not going to let this happen again it's too damaging to to our son to the family it's not worth it [Music] so just to check in of what's been happening over the last week um on Thursday night I chose to be violent and I abused my son and my partner has asked me to leave they really that's happened it's totally my fault and I'm really sad so the trust has been violated and has been broken so it will take time and who knows where it goes a lot will be on the choices you make your took incredible strength for her to stand up look she needs to keep herself in the children safe [Music] we've made a report to Child Protection which is led to getting the police involved and they'll be investigating this we have to now offer Susannah and the children a lot of ongoing support here and at the same time we've got a lot of work to do if that's go and keeping an eye on him hi Jess Co it's a Dave cord for the program I'm just giving you a follow up call to see where you're at now you're traveling maybe give me a call back it's a little bit worried about how you're left last night when you work so close to these guys and the months go by and you see the gross you see the changes and then something like this happens it's really disheartening and then it's the little voice in the back of head going now you see men really don't change this is all waste of time this is [ __ ] and you know it's time so we know you have this self down you're going on what are we doing your friend Talon and you quit we keep working we keep supporting him we keep working with her supporting her we challenge him we we don't you know we don't dismiss it we call it it's a it's abuse its violence is now excuse it was a choice but at the same time we have to be supportive [Music] I'm not going to have any expectations where it's going to repair in a date won't nothin repairs in the day especially any kind of violence whether it's emotional or physical because it affects the children it FEX me and at the end I just think to myself why am I doing this why am I in this relationship [Music] David speaking yes we we ran a women's support program on Thursday evenings the program runs on a Thursday evening from 7th or 8th or 9:30 okay yeah just sound like a bit a little bit nervous about the idea of doing that women and men will ring up and stand say as a you know and if I do your program will like change woman's sake will it change I guess that's a question that is often asked and look honestly it comes back to the to the individual we've got to be realistic in some cases the abuse might not stop alright guys Tanya's joining us tonight tony is very much part of our team I was in a domestic violence relationship many years ago and I have after that process gone through and gone on to join women's programs and things just like you guys doing so we might as well this get straight into it tonight so the first thing I want you to do I just want you to get comfortable in your seats and close your eyes try and send to yourself now when I take you back to a time where you were really angry at your partner and what are the words you're saying to your partner what are you thinking just write the words or phrases on a single piece of paper and then screw it up and throw it in the bin why do I have to put up with this why are you just death or you're just [ __ ] stupid you're a [ __ ] why don't you why don't you pack up and leave a chrissake I am so sick of this [ __ ] sick of it you hear me I'm sick of it why is it you can't just back me up for once I just can't stand you anymore do you wanna share what that was like I'm still shaking as you know I haven't been in this relationship for 17 years but this still impacts me it's there it's with me forever what was that like to see that being done to me let me feel sick yeah especially when my words were it out yeah how about you guys shameful yeah this is all about fear control power have you've changed that how do you do it different look feel really healthy [Music] [Music] the fair man of shine ill-feeling towards myself shattered me but I am feeling a lot better not that it's her and they had everything I'm not as stressed and pulling me here at us as what I was when I was with her the Mesa rubes I'm not gonna understand why she left a little bit of a hard-ass I was here to homeboy 49 and never went back after that lived on the streets got meself in a lot of trouble ended up in jail and I picked up a lot of probably bad habits you might call maybe bad morals they're instilled in me hard lessons to relearn or or reprogram yourself [Music] I see I see what we're doing in group and I see its advantages and I can say it's working unfortunately it's just so a little bit right [Music] for me if I hold on to these myths then I'm going to respond accordingly to that I'm just writing the old values promote old behaviors yeah my boy if he's crying alone and he son it's what are you still gonna be out you know stop crying suck it up princess you're not the only one my boy says it all right so just read out the old one and then read out your new one expression of emotion is unmasculine and song of weakness little and big boys don't cry we go with real men are in touch with their emotions and are able to identify and express them in a non-violent and non abusive manner the weakness is in hiding their feelings Wow it's absolutely illegal that's written better EG j AZ you're hurting his feelings [Music] hey Dave Justin not - they might just getting a little bit of work coming in there so [Music] what you mean boy go and kill himself on the matter boy hit movie right I'll stay out my night geez I see me [Music] alright take it easy just [ __ ] in okay [Music] get up get knocked off your bike you can get back up and get on a stuff then we like to get out amongst them Hills money attracts out there for the for being right don't do my Nan's mum side on Christmas Eve and getting most my presence then and then coming to Dad's for Christmas Day Oh me I meant Kevin watch Jamie [Music] for us the myths with the children some of the myths are doesn't affect them they're too young they can't hear us they're asleep it was good enough for me it's good enough for my children or make a on time why do children and partners need support so that do not grow up thinking violence and abuse is okay so they feel loved so they feel worthy so they know it's not their fault just anything stand out Oh what what's going on for you and you're hearing that I know that I've I've done violence to my family and I feel quite ashamed when I hear those words and I keep working I think kids I did get a little bit of feedback from my daughter she at least made contact it's making headway a little bit that's great good on you [Music] even if she doesn't stink and she actually wants to do it yeah maybe you can ask her to and if you're able to connect say that you'd like to get her something she Kiki may be able to take her shopping so she could choose something she loves you might be something I could do but I think initially because it's been a bit of time since she connected just keep it really located I know for sure you're gonna have to build the trust between the two of you so it's about you know reaching out to her but in small ways initially until she feels safe and that she can trust you and they're worth fighting for oh good I need forgiveness on I think that's awesome she like [Music] since the violent abuse that I did two weeks ago now my partner is super sensitive even my tones of voice you know she's lost trust in me I promised her twice I've let her down twice I'm back at home but there's nothing certain for me at the moment is there's there's no Givens I'm grateful and I can really see when I look back how selfish I was there was no gratefulness there was just me my daughter's she doesn't articulate it but what she does say is daddy I want to be with you today and so when she does that I feel she feels safe enough to stay with me for longer periods of time because before and she feels that that build up that energy tension she I want mommy whereas before I didn't get that I'm creating that I just thought [Music] children play a huge role in men really recognizing their behavior and making a change it could be that they see their five-year-old yelling at their partner the way they yell and saying the things they say even during the program when we talk about their daughters and talk about you're actually educating a daughter to accept this if you're abusive that ripple effects that to everyone you're connected to if you're changing that has the ripple effect to everyone new touch and connect with the other day I said that my oldest daughter I said yeah do you have to be so much like your mother that was it oh that was it she cracked it you know you should not say anything about your ex-partner that's chaga tree it should be very respectful of who you're not together anymore don't think I'll ever be respectful to her well there's a major block because you have two daughters and it's their mum that's why I just want to talk about her at all and the girls will neither that's walk on eggshells around you about mum you don't have to put her down okay come up here with me give us the description what happened before that buildup why don't they do their bathroom it was what am I thinking I don't thinking I think this is Riley because one of my kids is acquaintance freak now the one who's just been shocking okay just lock in a moment okay so the outcome is boom yeah but I've got control of my thought process here how can I work this differently take a deep breath okay I'm gonna just breathe yeah breathe go right eye it's a mess I'm gonna have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea kids get I'm okay guys can you please clean up you may seem the bathroom I just said thought of us brave yeah yeah come over Heather's that makes you feel now it's pretty kind of pretty relaxed relaxed yeah all of my girls it's good I love my girls I feel good what else you feel more feel proud proud yeah you reckon you better feelings you're doing really good all right so we had all those thoughts here yeah yeah thanks Felix a real life is fulfilled absolutely can't change that that's happened but you've got this new thought process here me and it's triggered all those feelings and proud I feel great I feel happy I feel relaxed yeah whatever we did that night in the program created this 360 degree shift at the end of the program he came up and he said I'm going to be my partner and apologize I've just realized what I've been doing it's been about me tonsai those guys are still with their pylons just really wicked it what's that man you say I said if you're still with the final really wicked [Music] [Applause] [Music] when I say to my daughter that you're just like your mother she gets really upset today maybe 20 minutes later I walked into a bedroom to find her and she was sitting on that on the floor you know walking cupboard just with the doors open just hitting the back of her cabin just sitting there just staring into space and I've just got to be mindful that and I gotta be not slip back into my old ways and of gruff horribleness and just she'll be right mate you know cuz she won't be right [Music] I mean offs not too good she'll be alright when I said to you the other week that you just [ __ ] your mom yeah and then you cracked it yeah when mommy say you just like a little nice and you know attractive big time and she doesn't call me that as much as I love yeast but you know I want to be don't act like both me because he's both made work why I wanna have your strengthened wheel she's she's just a strong woman she she's struggling with her age in the United I say goodbye city be safe back wet I can keep like top months ago but he wasn't angry he was actually he was like this he was just nice caring like came in but now he's like he's like the cuddly bear 24/7 [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] they say a leopard never changes their spots I don't believe that I think any abuser male or female makes a choice so once he stops and thinks about the choice he's about to make that's the day I can say that he is a changed person but he I don't think anyone could ever or should ever write off anyone ever some meaning that just so entrenched in their beliefs of on the head of this family and she's my wife I can do whatever I like and nobody can stop me from doing it I do feel a lot stronger but with the distance that is between us and I don't live with fear anymore which was a constant companion [Music] there's no brushing and under the covers anymore our friends family know about what happened so there's no hiding behind it anymore buddy to move forward they don't wanted to divide me [Music] this time of year pretty happy but there could be some sad moments because we you know ash could slip into a situation where he could get upset so it's walking on eggshells so we just have to just monitor the triggers to make sure it doesn't happen again I've seen a lot of areas in him that is good he's a great dad and he does know that if this ever happens again this is it this this will break the camel's back if they say either make it work now or you'll never work again [Music] so tonight we want to concentrate on how are you guys gonna get through Christmas your previous Christmas there was two thousand three hundred and eight calls from women in Victoria ask him for help Christmas Eve there was a hundred twenty-five incidences to family violence it's Christmas Eve that's the time that's supposed to be about families and we want every one of you not to be part of this so we want you to reflect on really taking away the one thing for you that's been the most powerful biggest thing for me has been learning to let go no I've had to let go of my marriage my wife everything I went to let it all go because I held my marriage in very hard we yet been doing that I probably destroyed it is been real shitty experience wait a lot of patience and not to be in such a rush and get that frustration all the rest of it negative the build-up clear did talk to me kids rather and what are you yelling I'm a little excited just the air comes in one of the things I know I didn't even realize is because my kids are you know 7 and 3 there is there's a lot of imagination and running with that and yeah letting them be letting them be kids yeah walking that door the first time is really challenging and difficult you know this room should be filled with hundreds of people but you guys are the ones here that made the commitment to be different and to allow your families to feel things it changes lives and it will change the lives of the people you love and your life so embrace what you've learnt and carry it out into the world with you I was asked to me earlier today why do I do this work and I'll tell you right now it's guys like you you keep me strength you just keep coming back I'm not quitting I'm doing it again so hang in there and go do it and we'll be back next year to give me more give you odds on kick you up the ass all right let's go do it let's get out of here [Music] having awesome Christmas guys [Music] [Music] [Music] I'm look in there how can you say yeah I see your reflection - you wanna hang this one up at the end of the program when I we don't have a crystal ball where these my plugin end up but what I do know is that something is shifted in these people and whatever why I contributed to that it made a difference and help that family feel safer that's reason enough to keep doing it and up but what is it might be a slander that's a banjo shark immunity right wand your line in money there he is I don't know alright any guys ready you go men tend to lose sight of how much pal I really have how much positive influence that they can have I lose sight of that you know we talk about power and control in a negative way but if we look at the opposite of that they can have a massive influence on breaking this cycle by being positive role models for their children [Music] I'm ashamed of what I've done I'm not gonna hide it I'm happy to address it and sort it out six months I'm I'm hoping I'm a dad again and I got a couple happy kids that are happy to be with me happy to talk with me I'm just happy to bring me kids [Music] [Music] [Music] that's this persistence it's it's trying to create that safe environment [Music] here there will be women in their homes who are afraid for their lives and there will be children that witness that trauma this is strength this is strength getting up every day making the best of your life strength isn't about muscles and force and power strength is about being the best person we can be this is on your shoulders this is on my shoulders it's up to us to raise gentlemen and to create cultures of respect we owe that to them many many victims [Music] [Applause] diamonds faithful yeah goodbye yourself [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Real Stories

Views: 330,440

Keywords: TV Shows - Topic, Channel 4 documentary, only human, 2018 documentaries, Amazing Documentaries, Documentary, full documentary, BBC documentary, angry dads, Real Stories Documentary, Real Stories Full Documentary, 2018 documentary, Documentary Movies - Topic, 2017 documentary, Amazing Stories, bbc three, timeline, Real Stories, Extraordinary people, tlc, Full length Documentaries, domestic abuse, 2018, bbc 3

Id: -H8k-D7kYPw

Length: 80min 18sec (4818 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 02 2019