Walking On Eggshells

[Music] it felt like being in prison he started telling me to hurt myself and taunting me for not hurting myself badly enough he eventually got me hooked on to heroin wasn't until our father occurred among sister that we actually realized just how dangerous control is [Music] coercive control is an insidious form of abuse youch forever for too long it has gone unnoticed and it can ruin lives for many victims it is an isolating secret they bear alone you're talking to I'm not talking to anyone I'm just lying to people coercive control is a subtle form of abuse the survivor may not even recognize it as abusive it's a repeated pattern of behaviour stripping away a survivor's self-esteem and it can increase the isolation of the survivor in that relationship what's really important for people to understand is that they may not even recognize that they are actually a victim of domestic abuse a Mumsnet survey said 38% of women have been in an abusive or controlling relationship with 6 in 10 saying they suspected a friend or family member was in one Sadie is one of them she entered into an arranged marriage at 19 it started off with language then it started off with how I was walking and talking if I sat down at you don't sit down like that you need to sit down slower like than this how you stand you don't don't stand like that I'm an educated man you need to stand like this and then it went on to who I was going to meet and whether I should be in contact with them the clothes that I wore I didn't bind my clothes he bought all of my clothes I knew it was wrong I went for the phone in this time he threatened to kill me he said I was gonna bring shame on my father that was the last thing I wanted my father was my life it's hard because you don't have anywhere to turn to and when you don't have any support then you start believing that you there is something wrong with you that you are at fault that you are making this happen it's your fault that he's angry it's your fault that he's violent so yeah it was really lonely it was really lonely yeah Mumsnet found 24 percent of the victims of domestic abuse never said anything to anyone about what they were going through perpetrators are very clever it's like a drip drip drip effect over tying your own perception of reality is diminished clue was 13 when she met her partner and I met my boyfriend on Twitter online I don't you think I thought something wasn't right for like a really long time like it took such a long because things built up so gradually like each thing I was just like well it's just another little thing and I think looking back there were signs in the very beginning that something wasn't right he could go from being like he'll be really lovely when we met and then in between he'd be really really unpleasant and I think like there are lots of little things he did that were quite controlling like he could like lose his temper it may be just like me liking the wrong facebook page or like hit tell me like he liked girls to dress a certain way like if they only find people at girls attractive if they wear like short dresses and like low tops and that kind of thing and then if I dressed like that when I was with him afterwards he'd like shout at me for being a slag and a [ __ ] I was constantly like monitoring my behavior and trying to think like what have I done to make him think this and what can I do to make him like stop getting angry what am I doing wrong and and he started like self harming and saying he wondered he stashed pills for an overdose and he said he was going to kill himself that if I told anyone he'd do it straightaway and it'd be all my fault so it's all just a way to kind of keep to keep control over you and to have some kind of power I guess in some cases abusers use addiction to control their partners we were really good friends at first I really thought this man was the one progressively things got worse he would want to know where I was all the time the niggling in the air you know my family were no good eventually I ended up with him and me so he would always say it doesn't matter it's me and you against the world you're my world it's me and you against the world he would he used to drink an awful lot they used to take drugs as well and he eventually got me hooked on to heroin I remember the first day he came home with heroin I said just try it I got very very sick and he said don't worry about the sickness keep doing it you will get over the sickness and within a month I was hooked literally hurts and then of course by then he had every bit of control over my life and my life and his life literally is Boleo under legislation introduced in 2015 coercive control became a crime the law defines coercive control as an act or a pattern of acts of assault threats humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm punish or frighten their victim controlling behavior is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain depriving them of the means needed for independence resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behavior it is currently punishable by a maximum sentence of five years jail time although sentences are often much less coercive or controlling behavior was criminalized nearly three years ago but it continues to be a largely misunderstood and underreported offense 1.2 million women experience domestic abuse last year alone yet the convictions in the last year or two have been a handful around 300 while controlling behavior is a serious offense it can often be the first step towards a much more serious crime as Ryan and Luke Hart know all too well domestic abuse costs lives the Hart brothers are making such a difference because by talking about the coercive and controlling behavior of their father who ultimately exercised total control they're explaining the dangers of coercive and controlling behavior and how seriously we have to take it in our society yes sir on the 19th of July 2016 my mom and my sister met with our dad to exchange documents and to start to formalize a divorce they met in a swim pool car park in Spaulding our father was there with a sawn-off shotgun and he killed them both in cold blood you the thing that we realized retrospectively was that control is abuse and we've never considered that as young children we grew up with our father setting boundaries for us and we perceive that they were natural our father knew to control a woman you create dependency [Music] it wasn't until our father who killed a man and sister that we actually realized just how dangerous control is when we looked back over our fathers behaviour it became clear that every single one of them was designed to restrict our lives and actually he got to the point where he'd almost forced us to leave because we had so little life left with him and that in itself is indicative of the danger I think the important thing to know about coercive control and domestic abuse is that the perpetrator paves differently to the victims and he just the general public and the family friends and outside of the home our Father was completely different when we had friends over than when we were alone at home the control was put in place before we were ever in any way conscious of what was going on [Music] many of the stories follow a chilling leaf similar pattern it was fine for first 12 months 18 months it started off as one little thing and then got bigger and bigger whatever I did however hard I tried to like monster everything I said to him everywhere behaved around him it always find another reason like to get angry in an abusive relationship it's all about an imbalance of power and control and the perpetrator has that control over the victim so the difficulties for a victim of domestic abuse is even recognizing that they're being abused in the first place I started to notice that my friends were disappearing he made it difficult for me to have upper friends and to talk to other people because like I felt like I should be I need to sort of like his messages all the time he never rang me and said hi how are you the first words would be where are you what you're doing and I'd show him Auto and it got to the stage where I would automatically shall we on the phone where I was I wasn't allowed to go near a phone I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom but at the time it was like my first Nathan jet and I just thought or maybe this is what it's supposed to be like you don't you don't think anything I just thought this was what marriage was when someone's controlling like that they're doing it to have power over you and to control you and it it does just get gradually worse and worse slow poisoning is a good way to describe coercive control it's not a one-off incident it's a repeated pattern of behaviors designed to isolate intimidate control and frighten your partner the control with him was the look he didn't have to say anything if I saw the look I would be on eggshells and I just thought this is my life this is what I have to do I have to deal with it the best way I can I just sat and spoke to myself to tell myself that something good was gonna come out of this leaving an abusive relationship can be complex but talking to someone is the first step nobody should be frightened of their partner if you're frightened of your partner and you're worried even about talking to somebody for fear of what they might do or think of you then try to find the courage to speak to somebody about it the National Domestic Violence helpline is always there for you if you are worried about your own life or your safety or that of another person in your life the emergency services are there for you and you should always feel you can go to the police if that's what you wish to do we've had a lot of training now in this area so that where I think a lot better in recognizing the victims concerns and worries about coming forward and speaking to us director the police station I just know for I can't do this anymore Southside the police station crying which are done on numerous occasions before and hadn't had the strength to walking but this time I knew I knew it was over and I knew I had to do something about it so walked into the police station asked for help - amazing police officers from domestic abuse unit came down to see me seven and a half hours late and I came out the police station after night spilled I literally once I started talking to them I couldn't stop everything came out and it was like such a relief so to relief hmm it can be hard to spot from the outside but people should be aware of the danger signs every relationship is different and every abusive relationship is different but some of the warning signs could be perhaps your friend or family member is becoming isolated withdrawn it looks as though they're being prevented by their partner for seeing friends or family perhaps they're mentioning that their moves are being monitored by their partner on social media and the phone most importantly of all they may report feeling frightened by what their partner's doing threatening to do to them perpetrators of coercive controlling behavior are very clever at manipulating situations so that the victim feels like their behavior and their family life and their relationship is normal when clearly it isn't it's so important that all of us have a little bit of knowledge and confidence so that if somebody opens up to us about their abusive relationship we know to listen to them believe them and support them we need to empower people to know that this isn't right in any format and we need to get people to speak up to stand out and to take action please please be brave and get help there is help out there there really is help out there and people do understand it should be taken as seriously as all forms of abuse and there should be more help out there for people more awareness about it and it shouldn't be something that we tolerate in society at all it's the most difficult thing to admit that you're in that sort of relationship take that step and be brave and it is be brave call the domestic abuse helpline and explain to them and let them make a judgement you have one life and you have the right to live it in the best possible way and that you have to be happy and that you should be happy and you have a right to be happy and you have a right to be safe help is available don't suffer in silence you

Channel: Mumsnet

Views: 131,059

Keywords: walking on eggshells, coercive control, Mumsnet, domestic abuse women's aid, controlling behavior, coercive control abuse, women's aid domestic abuse, domestic abuse, ryan and luke hart, surrey police mumsnet, womens aid 2018, sadi khan, mumsnet domestic abuse, katie ghose women's aid, International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, white ribbon day, emotional abuse, stop walking on eggshells

Id: hC1pCi-GwGU

Length: 16min 55sec (1015 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 29 2018