Can Violent Men Change? | Domestic Violence Documentary | Absolute Documentaries

paper was light gold in medieval times i want tobacco sugar [Music] that everything we thought we knew about the world might turn out to be completely wrong [Music] i can hear the yelling going on and i'm going to try and get some help to you now so just hold while i call triple zero he came charging towards me and he grabbed my neck so i'll kill you i'll kill you her partner has come home who's extremely violent she's currently locked herself in the bathroom at home and she's waiting on place to arrive at the moment i can hear yelling in the background and it sounds like things being thrown i just flipped just had no control no control he would regularly threaten to slit my throat that was his favorite one my big fear is that our kids will end up like us if we keep pushing someone into a corner yeah what do you think's gonna happen yeah and she'd be freaked out the way that i'm acting at the moment because it's possessive like just psycho i get clients where police have attended or he's pushed her and shoved her and then the first thing she's done is got her keys got into the car and left and then spoken to him saying i can't do this anymore you need to get help and that's when my phone will ring [Music] i'm a big believer men can change i know i've changed we don't have to live like this [Music] what's at stake is my family [Music] start focusing on your breaths just breathe in and taking a nice deep breath and breathing out now i want you to go back to a time when you had an explosion what's happening with your physical body when you're in build up right knee twitches hands clench into fists stomach cramps arms tense glassy eyes headache blackout just try doing that again get over it i am so angry i'm done i've had it i want to die belittled flustered alone stressed confronted agitated uneasy i don't feel heard i feel like yelling i feel justified and frustrated i mean i was volunteer and angry and smash stuff and pushed her around verbal abuse was terrible grabbed hold of her and pinned her on the on the bed and i was you know almost well i was strangling her i've been doing this for the last 15 years and i've literally worked with hundreds of men there's no typical abuser there's no typical client these men come from all walks of life i grew up in an abusive family my father was very loud very controlling in the last four or five years i've become very loud very controlling i'm here because i want to stop the abuse i want my kids to be happy and safe [Music] no drugs no alcohol i have zero tolerance to violence so no threats no put downs no violence if i hear that there's been an act of violence at home jackie and i have got a duty of care by law to disclose most of them present that they'll do anything they want their family back they want to change this bad behavior they acknowledge it but my biggest concern is how sincere they are how real are they i'm justin and you know i'm single you know a couple of kids i've been getting told a lot that i'm an angry angry man alcohol was getting to be a major factor and it led me to rehab first then to aaa into the men's group which referred me onto your group i've been controlling the money i've been controlling of their friends i've done everything from grabber to hitter to hold her on the ground a lot of things way out of line so we move forward from here put a stop to that you're trying when you say try at this stage it's oh you don't just change overnight i think it's really important to stress and i can't stress this enough that it doesn't matter what your partners and kids do it doesn't matter what they do family violence is absolutely never okay [Music] [Music] it's been brought up many a time about my anger and the way i deal with things [Music] i've recently separated from the missus for 19 years big boy he doesn't talk a lot he's a confused little kid at the moment and his answer to everything is i don't know [Music] just a good kid maybe i didn't show as much attention as i should have it's not just the relationship side of it it happens at work too i don't think you're going to turn me into no prince charming but oh look i've made plenty more mistakes than the ones i'm making now i was in trouble for most of me adolescent life for me to come from what i was to where i am now was a big step and now everyone wants to tell me that this is wrong and that's wrong i'll see what i can do about it but don't expect me to change overnight [Music] it'd be interesting to find out if you get in and out of it you know because i wouldn't mind you know if it works and you get some good pointers i wouldn't mind doing it myself you know because i got a couple of things i wouldn't mind fine-tuning no one wants a ring lifeline or something like that because you don't think it's that bad but if you can talk to someone that's on mutual grounds then then you know it might save someone having a few black eyes [Laughter] i i think what what helps me is just being around bikes that normal blood clot myself you know a bit of bloke times what what what people name but i better get back into it before i get in trouble because he'll start yelling [Music] the thing about explosion is i don't like the word i don't like it because it kind of minimizes it some guys will say to me hey it's like a sticker dynamite i've got this short fuse and i don't know when it's going to go off but when it does it does it can go like that ben my dad had one my brother had one i've got one i know i've got one we actually choose it's a choice to be abusive it's your cycle but you take your partner and your children around this cycle with you this is the man's cycle and your family follow you until someone says i can't do this anymore i can't live my life like this [Music] i was abusing myself at some stage i noticed in my relationships as i was growing up if i'd get angry or things weren't going my way i started to sound like my farmer one day i lost it i smashed up my own car our family car in front of everybody i got a bit of pipe out of the work vehicle and if i couldn't have the car well then nobody can have the car and i landed up smashing the windscreen and going healthy weather on it with this bitter pipe these family friends just all stood there frozen and the hard part was the children seeing the children's faces that was pretty tough because the children's faces reminded me of my own self with my own father looking at this guy who's out of control that was the turning point that was when everyone knew what david could be like you could be a real [ __ ] i'd pledge that i'll never be that man again and i needed to show other men you can change you can put a stop to this if you really want to hey i've been trying to shut out thoughts and feelings and all that about my ex partner because it's not constructive i don't think i just got to concentrate on my kids and to be honest i had a shitty moment tonight actually before i come here i was running short of time i had a big day at work i was trying to organize some dinner and then be here on time and i actually got the shits up because there was nothing done because we have a sort of a deal gown in the kids i cook the dinner i do everything for them they help me out we help each other so it's conditional well no is it is that conditional sounds like everybody putting in a little bit of effort that's what it sounds like to me as long as everything everything costs a day nothing's for free i don't know what where would you come from but i don't come from a world where nothing is free but you know work 12 hours a day and you know my work's very very demanding hold it hold it just see what you're just doing to it right now what are you doing and i'm justifying it yeah straight away well i didn't want to say anything you're forcing me to say [ __ ] so i was quite happy sitting here saying nothing now what are you doing to me oh i'm shutting up then so this is the thing we're so conditioned to justify well and i don't know how to be a [ __ ] father then dave right i don't know how to be a father then and you know just feeling really uncomfortable with me challenging you on that i'm not uncomfortable i'm shitty about it so what okay so if you're feeling shitty you must be feeling uncomfortable well i'm not uncomfortable jackie i'm very comfortable being a shitty person they've been all my life okay but then it's uncomfortable for those around you when you're shitty so it's uncomfortable for you girls hmm probably right [Music] i've been to a lot of fights what not only you know um with people at the pub or people you go out my father of it i'd had a fight with him on christmas day and it ruined christmas day i broke my brother's collarbone years ago through fighting it didn't matter if it was the guy down the road my wife um my mother anybody it was just what i said that's how it was and uh if you didn't like it you're gonna get [ __ ] nathan's abuse was mental physical emotional towards me and towards the children we used to go out i'd be driving home and he'd be drunk and he didn't like the way i was driving and it would just hit me his explosions were unpredictable that's the frightening thing i've been out with a girlfriend he wasn't happy with me going out so i didn't even bother going to bed i just went late on the couch and about three o'clock in the morning i was woken by him dragging me off the couch by my throat and he he nearly choked me to the point where i nearly blanked out that was the point where i'd said enough he refused to leave so i had to leave i knew my kids were safe with him they were older so he'd never be physical with them so it was their home so i i left and left them with him which in hindsight i wish i'd never done it's my biggest regret my bond with my girls is gone we're getting it back slightly but it's not the same okay i never really knew my daughters at all i had a great big shed bar all that stuff had all the good stuff in there used to drink a lot and that was my life my trucks my shed my mates and yeah i didn't really pay any attention to sue or what was wrong with her i just sort of took the approach to the old style approach and hardened up you know and now i come to meet dave because she'd left me and i was fairly distraught yeah [Music] i'll just make some sandwiches yeah you're happy with that yeah um i've got group tonight you know that don't you [Music] sasco's done a lot of work prior to coming to us he's very open about wanting to work on himself but has never been able to get tools or skills to change [Music] he wants to be this father figure for his children that he's loving supportive unconditional we're challenging him i think that's been good for cisco all righty all right let's get the show on the road what's been happening over the week on saturday my boss unleashed his anger like he was he was screaming full-on at me and i had no idea what he's asked me to leave but i spent a lot of the day thinking could i have done something differently to have to achieve the different outcome i was playing different scenarios over and over and over again and i was really getting myself worked up and how did that make you feel oh helpless helpless fearful embarrassed lost confused belittled all those feelings phenomenal amount of feelings so you took it on i was trying to work out what was going on the power and control was all in his court it sounds like how he's been treated as probably how uh like i've treated my wife it sounds like the universe is giving you a taste of your own medicine yeah do you know just as um oscar was saying that i haven't reflected on how my partner feels when i unleash yeah now imagine if that happens all the time whether it's once a day or once a week or once a month you carry it [Music] [Music] we met at the front of taxis in 2005 on the 2nd of may and we fell in love on instantly and it was yeah about 7 o'clock that night i said would you like to go out to dinner she said yes i was so hungry that i had entre mains and dessert where susan had one meal and so the funny thing about that is she thought i was a great listener but i was eating he was just eating i was just eating susan was talking and we got married 12 months after that we spent 12 months you know having fun we went on a three-week honeymoon and then you know we got pregnant and then we moved out of home november of 2011 i was really angry we were out the back door i started screaming and i headbutted the door like really hard and i headbutted it again and again susan was up on the step i've looked up and she's horrified she was in shock and she said i'm scared of you and that was the most painful thing that i've ever heard come out of susan's bath he's someone that i love telling me that they're scared of me there was a time where my son was not really putting his pajamas on he was playing around he could pick up that his dad's really angry so he got up and he went straight in the bed and he said okay sasha we're going to do it over and over again get out of the bed and do it again get out of the bed do it again so i was yelling and yelling and sasha would curl up in the fetal position my son and he would just be shaking the whole time his strength becomes tenfold i can't stop him he'll push me out of the way and he will harm the children in my opinion when i was a child when my dad got angry i remember feeling scared and i remember as a child thinking i don't want to do this if i've had kids i'm not going to do this here i am trying to create a beautiful family and everyone's scared [Music] susanna's engaged in the women's program and seeking support too so i really hope she embraces it and he continues to do the work he does [Music] how many women here have felt like they're going crazy just put up your hand if you felt it's really common that you take responsibility you don't know what's real anymore and you feel like you're going absolutely crazy there is shame there is embarrassment where you just think to yourself why has this happened you know did i do it is it my fault is it something that i triggered i should have been a better wife i should have cleaned better i should have ironed better i should have done all these things there's all these pressures you start clearing those files in your brain and think hang on it's not me it's a situation that he did when he was angry and it's the decision he made straight after i feel like this group is like open-heart surgery and then you just feel relieved when you walk out you feel like oh there's that support structure yeah so what this has also brought me is strength and independence for women it's not making them accountable or responsible for the man's behaviour but it's making them responsible for their own choices in responding to that behaviour so it's about educating them with what abuse is the patterns that they're they're part of and giving them tools to do it differently i've personally experienced all forms of abuse and i've witnessed change in my own family my abuse started through my childhood i was sexually abused by my father there was a lot of other subtle abuses there was a lot of manipulation and control and a lot of stuff that wasn't obvious and that had a huge impact on who i was i did a women's program back then and that made a huge difference [Music] in the men's program i'm the voice of the women and the children i'm a reminder for them that this has an impact hey fellas i want to just do a debrief after last week what's been going on for you since then what's the matter justin you just shifted sometimes a little harder i don't know when we're talking about it and it's putting it in a scenario and it all makes it sound like it's easy and we've got all the time in the world to be able to do that what i found with men is i'll get the skeptic that'll come along who sits there and goes why should i look at change why should i bother with these ideas that we talk about one of the biggest things is um sometimes wanting to let go of power and control and some men just won't look at letting that go i'll say to them that by holding on to that then you're wanting to be abusive so we're going to have a snapshot you're on the job site all right so we've got a tree that's just fallen pipes broken water's pouring everywhere we've had a bit of stress with this client prior to this let's hear all the thoughts that are going through your head while all this is happening so i didn't need her and her [ __ ] on my job yep so what's going through your head as you hear her talking [ __ ] off [ __ ] do you reckon referring to her as a [ __ ] is going to help this situation yeah is that positive what else we thinking what's after [ __ ] off she's still there talking what are your ears [ __ ] painted on she thought i'd just tell you a woman but she made oliver fuss about nothing you know for me if it you said look this is an accident but rest assured that this will be fixed it's not difficult to fix i give you that guarantee excuse me i don't have the vocab skills in the heat of a moment at the end of the day yeah and i guess that's why we're doing this how do we now throw that switch and start thinking the positives about all this what can we be thinking don't know what you want me to say though don't worry we'll leave it there all righty um have a seat we'll do this another time [Music] how much did you have to drink before tonight it's two cans dave i can smell it on you and that's what i'm worried about it's a roadblock one minute i see you make this really positive shift and then tonight it's almost chalk and cheese she could be in talib on the bed and i've got to [ __ ] empathize with everyone that doesn't give a [ __ ] about me or my job or what the pressures of my life having a couple under your belt's not going to help [Music] it's like pouring petrol on the fire especially if we're going through build up especially if we're being challenged it just worries me [Music] he's certainly in a bad place hopefully we can just hold on to him and keep him engaged the damage at home is severe he he doesn't have the answers he doesn't have the tools it's just got to a point where it's destroyed the family [Music] the work we do is really challenging we're dealing with people's lives and the reality of what we're doing is quite it can be quite serious it can be life threatening right at this moment i want to focus in and support you in those really strong instincts that you had you know you've got previous experience you know how this goes you were able to make a decision on the spot it was time to get out now tonight [Music] being stuck in the house was very scary and obviously you have a child and you want to protect them i just went on autopilot and i grabbed the girls and put them straight in the car then i drove off thinking that i'd never seen i guess it's a fear of change it's been a particular way for so long and what will i do now you've lost your partner in spite of the fact that he wasn't a very good partner and you've lost all the i guess the hopes for the future all the dreams that you had [Music] there's nothing that i have done or that i could do that i would deserve to be treated the way it was okay so the first feeling that we all connect with or most of us are connecting with is that there's a feeling that i'm being attacked what's underneath that what's the first feeling that comes to mind anger okay what does anger make you feel what's under anger uh vulnerable okay feel vulnerable how does vulnerability make you feel you know i feel vulnerable i feel what small so what's on this i'm feeling small i'm scared okay when you're behaving badly or reacting to something it will always be fear-based always what are you scared of well losing what i had and i lost him so yeah my soon-to-be ex-wife rang me up and told me she was serving divorce papers on me so i didn't hear that too well i sort of broke down on the phone to her yeah that would have been very tough it's emotional for you girls too because it's the end of their mum and dad's relationship and that's not why you got together yeah so what do we have to do different communicate rather than react because the reaction never leads to anything good and in some ways you're lucky yeah you've got an opportunity to make change and make this way whereas some of the men don't have that opportunity but they're working on themselves so that their future relationships will be different and their relationship with their children will be different they don't have to turn out likely of so [Music] in some ways it's a struggle because they haven't been taught you know they look at their upbringing and you know they've got to provide they lose sight of the the little things about you know being able to cuddle their children to be able to have that talk and watch that child grow so what's happiness a lot of these guys have got no idea [Music] you know family is really important to me my grandson he just recharges my battery every time i see him i just he's just so gorgeous and my son my daughter they've kept me balanced i kind of find an internal strength here we go [Applause] [Music] we're gonna eat it man [Music] i want you to read through the traditional man's raw book and circle any of these points that you can say at some stage you've you've hung on to and then you might come up with a rule that we haven't thought of that we haven't got on our list anything we should add to it yep we'll get some paper what does the old rule book which is the old your old style of thinking this is a teacher teach you about women and men who is more important who is responsible for what the old rule book well the old rule book would be the woman who's responsible for the home yep then the man goes out to work and eats turns to bread you know when's the bucks um nathan's what happened there hello sign the divorce papers too yeah yeah it's really closure for him but he hasn't closed yeah it wasn't his choice what have you and others in bracken's partner friends children lost by adhering to traditional men's rulebook first three things that come out of our mouths myself oscar and justin was trust love and family family is missing out and not feeling important and then the reverse of the question what we have created is we create fear they by adhering to it what a huge cost we had um respect trust marriage and relationship breakdown [Music] you can't change what's happened yeah i can't i can't change it i just gotta try and deal with it you said earlier even though you haven't been together and sue's moved on you always hoped he always hopes you know you get another chance yeah it's been too late for that relationship and you have two beautiful girls with you at the moment that deserve you the best you can be it's not too late for them it's not too late for you it's letting go of someone you loved [Music] [Music] [Applause] my ex-wife had come here and wanted me to sign the door of horse papers and i just can't help thinking it might have been just something to hurt me just that one last time and it did hurt me a lot and maybe i'd deserve it i don't know maybe i did you can't break down crying every time you see her i live in the same town there's times where i'm going to run into her and you know even run into her boyfriend never going to shake his hand or say g'day but i know if i hadn't come to see jack and dave he would be in a whole different place right now and i would probably be in jail because that's the sort of person i was i know i could walk past him in the street now and just suck it up like a big boy three positions yeah but we move depending on what we're trying to do up here the persecutor and as i'm persecuting you i might go too far and i actually see that it's not working and i'm not getting what i want i wear the position of being the rescuer i can move back and persecute more or i might take the position of being the victim i'm just going to try and role-play some statements [ __ ] what would that be persecuted keeping your break will you victim you dislike your mother i'm not bloody superman everyone does this male 1 what do you mean everyone does it male 1 i agree justin everyone's playing this game who's not playing it i don't play it you don't play it not today not once were you one of those people you weren't a rescuer at once today am i right to assume that you're saying these three positions are unhealthy yes because that's what it sounds like i don't think those three positions are unhealthy they are it's a survival mode what happens if you do all this you put your thoughts and feelings on the shelf and listen to the other person all right and then you want to try and express yourself about what you're going through or whatever and they don't want to listen challenge but what happens if it just keeps going on that you wait your turn for for so many weeks or whatever it is or years or years yeah or years for some people and you're there for everyone else and you put your thoughts and feelings on the side to listen and then nothing happens we can only deal with working on us here changing us i got that dave so what about my kids who are going to walk into a society where eighty percent fifty percent of people are doing this so you're gonna teach them how do you deal with it no no i won't teach them they will respond that way won't they because of nature not if you teach this both people have got to be on the same page no they don't i think so what brought you guys to this group was this type of behaviour this is real after a break smokey coffee go toilet have a break [Music] if nothing's changing at home and only i'm changing then it feels like i'm doing it for nothing i feel like at home i'm playing happy family and the more i see that the more aggravated i am inside how would you imagine it being different how would i imagine it different no guilt no shame with you with me no no pretend happy family understanding how the only way i can describe it so we make three steps go three steps forward yeah six back three steps forward six back happy family real happy family doesn't exist it's a [ __ ] myth what's happening to him is that he's losing his power and control his partner is working on herself she's engaged in the women's program she's learning to set boundaries and in doing so sasco is probably finding that some of this behavior that he's doing isn't working she's actually calling him on it [Music] hi susanna it's jackie from heavy metal how are you [Music] good are you able to talk at the moment [Music] okay it's quite stressful for you obviously i can hear in your voice something really serious has happened yeah there's been an incident involving sasuke and his son yeah but are you feeling safe [Music] i came back from the women's group and i said how the kids everything's great didn't think anything of it went to bed in the mornings my son gets up and i notice his cheek was red and i said what happened did you fall at school i didn't notice that when i picked you up he said no daddy hit me and i ran into the room he was sleeping because he was working night shift and i said did you hear a son he goes no i said no i'm going to ask you again did you hit him he goes yeah but i said i don't want to hear butts get your bags get out of here i don't want to see you ever again i reported it to the police and dhs i'm not going to let this happen again it's too damaging to to our son to the family it's not worth it so just to check in of what's been happening over the last week um on thursday night [Applause] i chose to be violent and um i abused my son and my partner has asked me to leave everything that's happened is totally my fault and i'm really sad so the trust has been violated and has been broken so it will take time and who knows where it goes a lot will be on the choices you make it took incredible strength for her to stand up she needs to keep herself and the children safe absolutely [Music] we've made a report to child protection which has led to getting the police involved and they'll be investigating this we have to now offer susanna and the children a lot of ongoing support here and at the same time we've got a lot of work to do with sasco and keeping an eye on him hi cesco it's um dave calling from the program i'm just um giving you a follow-up call um to see where you're at and how you're traveling um maybe you could be a call back i was a little bit worried about how you left last night when you work so close to these guys the months go by and you see the growth you see the changes and then something like this happens it's really disheartening and then there's a little voice in the back of your head going oh you see men really don't change this is all waste of time this is [ __ ] and you know there's times when you have this self-doubt you're going oh what do we do you throw the talon and you quit we keep working we keep supporting him we keep working with her supporting her we challenge him we we don't you know we don't dismiss it we call it it's of it's abuse it's violence there's no excuse it was a choice but at the same time we have to be supportive [Music] i'm not going to have any expectations where it's going to repair in a day it won't nothing repairs in a day especially any kind of violence whether it's emotional or physical because it affects the children it affects me and at the end i just think to myself why am i doing this why am i in this relationship [Music] david speaking yes we we ran a women's support program on thursday evenings program runs on a thursday evening from seven till until 9 30. [Music] okay and you sound like a bit a little bit nervous about the idea of doing that i am women and men will ring up and say is it you know if i do your program will i change women's sec will it change i guess that's the question that um is often asked look honestly it comes back to the to the individual we've got to be realistic in some cases the abuse might not stop all right guys um tanya's joining us tonight tanya is very much part of our team i was in a domestic violence relationship many years ago and i have after that process gone through and gone on to join women's programs and things just like you guys are doing so we might as well just get straight into it tonight so the first thing i want you to do i just want you to get comfortable in your seats and close your eyes try and center yourself now i want to take you back to a time where you were really angry at your partner and what are the words you're saying to your partner what are you thinking just write the words or phrases on a single piece of paper and then screw it up and throw it in the bin why do i have to put up with this why are you just deaf or you're just [ __ ] stupid you're a [ __ ] why don't you why don't you pack up and leave for christ's sake i am so sick of this [ __ ] sick of it you hear me i'm sick of it why is it you can't just back me up for once i just can't stand you anymore do you want to share what that was like um i'm still shaking um as you know i haven't been in this relationship for 17 years but this still impacts me it's there it's with me forever what was that like to see that being done to me made me feel sick yeah especially when my words were heard out yeah what about you guys shameful yeah this is all about fear control power have you changed that how do you do it different good outlook just feel really selfish [Music] [Music] there's a fair amount of uh shame ill feeling towards myself shattered me but uh i am feeling a lot better not that it's showing but uh about everything i'm not as stressed and pulling the air out as as what i was when i was with her mr hoops i can understand why she left a little bit of a heart ass um i was there at home by 14 i never went back after that and lived on the streets got myself in a lot of trouble ended up in jail and i picked up a lot of probably bad habits you might call them maybe bad morals and uh they're instilled in me and hard lessons to relearn or reprogram yourself [Music] i see i see what we're doing in group and i i see its advantages and i can see it's working and unfortunately it's just a little bit tight [Music] for me if i hold on to these myths then i'm going to respond accordingly to that i'm just writing the old values promote old behaviors yeah my boy i'd if he's crying or that he's um it's what he's talking about you know um stop crying or um suck it up princess you're not the only one my boy says it too all right so just read out the old one and then read out your new one expression of emotion is unmasculine and sign of weakness little and big boys don't cry [Applause] we come up with real men are in touch with their emotions and are able to identify and express them in a non-violent and non-abusive manner the weakness is in hiding their feelings wow that's really good really good i think it's i think he was written better yeah did you cheat easy you're hurting his feelings [Music] so [Music] hello dave justin not too bad mate i'm just getting a little bit of work coming in now so [Music] watching the boy try and kill himself on a motorbike yeah we'll do mate i'll see you on monday cheers [Music] all right take it easy just sit down okay [Music] get up get knocked off your bike you get back up and get on it he's tough now we like to get out amongst them hills plenty of tracks out there for the forbidden and that yeah going to my nuns mum's side on christmas eve and getting most of my presents then and then coming to dad's for christmas day that cuddle might see me [Music] for us the myths with the children some of the myths are doesn't affect them they're too young they can't hear us they're asleep it was good enough for me it's good enough for my children i'm okay aren't i why do children and partners need support so they do not grow up thinking violence and abuse is okay so they feel loved so they feel worthy so they know it's not their fault just anything stand out or what what's going on for you when you're hearing that i know that i've i've i've done violence to my family and i feel quite ashamed when i hear those words yeah um and i keep working um both my kids i did get a little bit of feedback from my daughter she at least made contact it's making headway a little bit that's great good on you cheers but even if she doesn't don't stress i'm trying to figure out what to get her for her birthday for christmas there's something she can can i want to get off something that she actually wants too but yeah maybe you could ask her too and if if you're able to connect say that you'd like to get her something she could keep are you able to take her shopping so she could choose something she loves that might be something you could do but i think initially because it's been a bit of time since she connected just keep it really low-key and no pressure you're gonna have to build the trust between the two of you so it's about you know reaching out to her but in small ways initially until she feels safe and that she can trust you good job i think you're doing an amazing job and they're worth fighting for oh no and good on you for hugging their son i think that's awesome cute thing all right see you later see you next week [Music] since the violent abuse that i did two weeks ago now my partner is super sensitive even my tone's a voice you know she's lost trust in me i've promised her twice i've let her down twice i'm back at home but there's nothing certain for me at the moment there's there's no givens i'm grateful and i can really see when i look back how selfish i was there was no gratefulness there was just me my daughter's she doesn't articulate it but what she does say is daddy i want to be with you today and so when she does that i feel she's [Music] feels safe enough to stay with me for longer periods of time because before when she feels that that build up that energy tension she i want mommy whereas before i didn't get that i'm creating that i just thought [Music] children play a huge role in men really recognising their behaviour and making a change it could be that they see their five-year-old yelling at their partner the way they yell and saying the things they say even during the program when we talk about their daughters and talk about you're actually educating your daughter to accept this if you're abusive that ripple affects that to everyone you're connected to [Music] if you're changing that has the ripple effect too for everyone you touch and connect with the other day i said to my oldest daughter i said god do you have to be so much like your mother that was it that was it she cracked it you know you should not say anything about your ex-partner that's dragon tree you should be very respectful of her you're not together anymore don't think i'll ever be respectful to her well there's a major block because you have two daughters and it's their mum that's why i don't i just try not to talk about her at all and the girls will know that that's walk on eggshells around you about mum you don't have to put her down okay come up here with me give us a description what happened before the build-up well i opened all their bathroom and always what am i thinking i'm thinking i bet this is riley because one of my kids is a queen freak now the one who's just [ __ ] shocking okay just like her mum okay so the outcome is boom yeah but i've got control of my thought process here how can i work this differently right uh ah take a deep breath okay i'm gonna just breathe yeah breathe okay right oh it's a mess um i can't have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea kids get aim i go guys can you please clean up your mess in the bathroom i just have thought a best breeze yeah yeah come over how does that make you feel now how do you feel uh it's pretty calm uh pretty relaxed relaxed yeah good well i love my girls it's good i love my girls i feel good what else you feel um [Music] i feel proud proud yeah you reckon you're bad at feelings you're doing really weird all right so we had all those thoughts here yeah yeah those feelings they're real aren't they those thoughts feelings absolutely you can't change that that's happened but you you've got this new thought process henry and it's triggered all these feelings proud i feel great i feel happy i feel relaxed whatever we did that night in the program created this 360 degree shift at the end of the program he came up and he said i'm going to ring my partner and apologize i've just realised what i've been doing it's been about me i just want to say those guys that are still with their partners just really work at it what's that there you say i said if you're still with your partner really work here yep [Applause] [Music] when i say to my daughter but you're just like your mother she gets really upset with that maybe 20 minutes later i walked into a bedroom to find her and she was sitting on the on the floor in a walk-in cupboard just with the doors open just sit in the back of her cupboard just sitting there just staring into space and i've just got to be mindful of that and i've got to be not slip back into my old ways and of gruff horribleness and just she'll be right mate you know because she won't be right [Music] i mean knife's not too good should be all right check the date on it oh it's not good it's not good i don't want to look at it [Music] it ain't no good i said to you the other week that you're just like your mum yeah and then you cracked it yeah when mom used to say you're just like little nice and you know i cracked it big time and she goes there you go and i'm like well don't call me that as much as i love you but you know i want to be me don't act like both of you because you both need work like i want to have your strength and will i want to have i don't know what does not matter she's just got she's just just a strong woman she's a strong woman with courage and you know that's what i say in both of you so back way back in a few like 12 months ago when he wasn't angry he was actually he was like this he was just most caring like care bear you just you know cuddling you know but you know when when he was the angry bird like you just want to step away from him but now he's like he's like the cuddly bear 24 7. the bear the bear don't bug the bear poke the bear okay no i don't honestly [Music] [Laughter] they say leopard never changes their spots i i don't believe that i think any abuser male or female makes a choice so once he stops and thinks about the choice he's about to make that's the day i can say that he's a changed person i don't think anyone could ever or should ever write off anyone ever some men are just so entrenched in their beliefs of i'm the head of this family and she's my wife i can do whatever i like and nobody can stop me from doing it i do feel a lot stronger with the distance that is between us and i don't live with fear anymore which was a constant companion [Music] there's no brushing it under the covers anymore our friends family know about what happened so there's no hiding behind it anymore i need to move forward i don't want it to define me [Music] this time of year um pretty happy but um there could be some sad moments because we you know sash could slip into a situation where he could get upset so it's walking on eggshells so we just have to just monitor the triggers to make sure it doesn't happen again i've seen a lot of areas in him that is good he's a great dad and he does know that if this ever happens again this is it this this will break the camel back if they say either make it work now or it'll never work again [Music] so tonight we want to concentrate on how are you guys going to get through christmas in a previous christmas there was 2308 calls from women in victoria asking for help christmas eve there was 125 incidences of family violence it's christmas eve that's the time that's supposed to be about families and we want every one of you not to be part of this so we want you to reflect on really taking away the one thing for you that's been the most powerful biggest thing for me has been uh um learning to let go you know i've had to let go of my marriage my wife everything i had to let it all go because i held my marriage in very high regard and to learn that i've probably destroyed it has been a real shitty experience i'm wearing a lot of patience and um not to be in such a rush and get that frustration all the rest of it the negative the build-up plan to talk to my kids rather than sort of yell at them a little excited to see how it comes out one of the things that i didn't even realize is because my kids are you know seven and three it's there's a lot of imagination and running with that and yeah letting them be letting them be kids walking that door the first time is really challenging and difficult you know this room should be filled with hundreds of people but you guys are the ones here that made the commitment to be different and to allow your families to feel safe it changes lives and it will change the lives of the people you love and your life so embrace what you've learned and carry it out into the world with you it was asked to me earlier today why do i do this work and i'll tell you right now it's guys like you you give me strength to just keep coming back and not quitting and doing it again and so hang in there and go do it and we'll be back next year to give you more give your hard time kicking up the ass all right let's go do it let's get out of here [Music] have an awesome christmas guys [Music] [Music] [Music] there we go have a look in there who can you see in there me i can see your reflection too do you want to hang this one up [Music] at the end of the program we know we don't have a crystal ball for where these people are going to end up but what i do know is that something has shifted in these people and whatever way i contributed to that that made a difference and helped that family feel safer that's reason enough to keep doing it [Music] there he is hello hello look at his eyes all right here he goes ready here you go little fella men tend to lose sight of how much power they really have how much positive influence that they can have they lose sight of that you know we talk about power and control in a negative way but if we look at the opposite of that they can have a massive influence on breaking this cycle by being positive role models for their children [Music] i'm ashamed of what i've done i'm not gonna hide it [Music] i'm happy to address it and sorted out [Music] six months time i'm hoping i'm a dad again and i've got a couple of happy kids that are happy to be with me happy to talk with me i'm just happy to be my kids [Music] oh [Music] and that's just persistence it's trying to create that safe environment [Music] today while we are here there will be women in their homes who are afraid for their lives and there will be children that witness that trauma this is strength this is strength getting up every day making the best of your life strength isn't about muscles and force and power strength is about being the best person we can be [Applause] this is on your shoulders this is on my shoulders it's up to us to raise gentlemen and to create cultures of respect we owe that to the many many victims that do not always have a voice [Music] [Applause] david's people yeah good mate yourself [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Absolute Documentaries

Views: 66,091

Keywords: Absolute Documentaries, addressing past trauma, breaking the cycle, breaking the silence, combatting violence, community support, emotional intelligence, family dynamics, healthier families, inspiring change, men's behavior change, nurturing healthy families, positive masculinity, promoting empathy, promoting healing, raising awareness, stopping abuse, strength in vulnerability, support group, understanding trauma

Id: FCZVl2eqdVw

Length: 80min 5sec (4805 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 03 2021