Bride Wars reviewed by Mark Kermode

this was the first film back of 2009 for me and it was one of those things when you go it's the first film I've seen in 2009 and I'm already fast forward into the end of 2009 and thinking if this is not in my top 10 worst of the Year top five worst of the year I will then the then the year will have been so bad that I make you this promise now if Bride Wars isn't in my top 10 worst films of the year if there are 10 films worse than Bride Wars this year I quit Okay so literally bear this in mind no don't no don't say that cuz then people will hold you to it I know no but but it's like you know every now and then you have to you have to make a stand and this is it if the the state of players make a stand I kick cats but it's no point making a stand over Bride Wars Simon you don't have to see them you didn't have to sit there and watch Bride Wars okay but I'm not a film reviewer no no but I am right right yeah that's fine and if there are 10 films worse than Bride Wars this year I quit Okay so there are two an Hathaway movies at the moment which are you know an Hathaway nut chill projects one of them is Rachel getting married which is directed by Jonathan Demi which is this kind of edgy handheld Affair about these really horrible people who you know you're meant to kind of empathize with but you don't and uh but it's it's for your consideration and then we have this which is this not edgy not handheld movie about horrible people who you meant to find funny but you don't which is for your money and the story is Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson are two uh close friends and they've grown up together with dreams of weddings ever since they were little girls they dreamt about weddings and now they're both going out with boys who are both going to propose them and they're going to have the weddings but you never guess what they both dream of having the same wedding and oh The Coincidence on the same day and in the same place that's going to create a clash of loyalties here's a clip at the end of the day I want you at my wedding and whichever way this works out one of us will just have to be married on a different day absolutely I mean you know I want you at my wedding too obviously if we can't can't think of any other way out of this one of us will simply have to be flexible yeah one of us will just have to change venues right one of us good probably um not the one of us who's been saving up for a decade because she makes a pittance compared to the other one of us but true I mean or it would be if the other one of us wasn't so desperate to get married to the plaza because the plaza practically is the only happy memory she has of her childhood so oops that's right one of us will have to move her date y one of was Will and until one of us decides we should make any concrete plans agreed there's some time before we lock things in let's just not do anything right until one of us moves her day okay so [Music] um talk to you soon one of us should call you one you deliberately choose the worst clip from the movie no no that's the that's the one that's the clip that's the do you hear the music in the background py puy puy funny Jolly h ha ha now everyone will tell you it's a chick flick only in only in the sense that if you ground it up and fed it to battery hens it might be better served than running it through a projector I know quite a few battery hands who want to go and see this am I saying so look where do we begin with the problems okay what because obviously what they do is you know they rivalry breaks out they switch each other's videos they switch each other's hair D so one of them ends up with blue hair they switch spoil it I'm not this is all in the trailer spoiler no oh fine I given away the thing about one of them ends up with blue hair you know what if you saw the trailer walking around with blue hair guess what it was the other one what did it and that goes on for a while so now an hathway an hathway she's okay and I I don't have a problem with that the way she has done some very good movies she was in things like she was in Brokeback Mountain she was in Princess dyus which is okay she's been in some real stiffs as well like Havoc which is a really really terrible movie and then she's in you know Rachel getting married which she's now being sort of touted as a kind of awards Contender Kate Hudson on the other hand completely different matter Kate Hudson has been in loads and loads of rubbish movies alongside one good movie which is Almost Famous and Kate Hudson for this and much is made of this in the Press notes makes her producing debut and she says I really wanted to do a movie that was about women pushing the comedic envelope well how is the comedic envelope pushed well firstly it's pushed by giving us two female characters who say with completely straight faces there's nothing in the world better than Vera Wang and we're meant to think that this is you this perfectly acceptable okay so they so secondly she casts herself as a high-powered lawyer Kate Hudson right Kate Hudson is a high powerered lawyer that comes up in about the first 5 minutes and that's the point which I go sorry leaving no Kate Hudson is not high powered lawyer not having that I mean I buy Kate Hudson as the sort of ditsy Floy in Almost Famous that's fine Kate Hudson's a high powered lawyer no seriously this is similar to your Meg Ryan is a helicopter pilot yeah well that's fun enough it's exactly the same as that Meg Ryan is a helicopter pilot Kate Hudson is a hpad law neither of the two are true secondly thirdly it's a film which asks you to laugh at the following joke okay Kate Hudson right who looks like this okay she gets into a dress Puck it up li to Lemon well really thin okay she gets into a dress that is apparently size I don't know nil or something right and then the gag is you never get it's so funny an hathway gets her to eat lots of chocolate right and she gets really fat so she can't fit into the dress so she gets in dress and she tries to do it up still looking to zip she says oh I'm too fat to get into the dress now number of problems firstly in physical terms she's even less existent than in kind of intellectual I mean she she she has less of a physical presence than she does as a production thing you know she she just is not there turn around not there okay in no fine secondly she needs a Kit Kat while she she does but not a one that we're boycotting while she while she's doing the gag about being too fat to get into the dress the camera is looking at her incredibly skinny and apparently not being able to but it's like she said now look here's how the gag is going to work work okay the thing is I've eaten a bunch of chocolate she is I've really put on such a lot of weight you're never going to believe so but the thing is obviously I haven't really put on cuz I'm Kate hson okay as Kate Hudson I'm not really like that so what I want you to do you do the angle from behind so you see the zip okay the zip won't go up but at the same time make sure it's on displayed that I'm not really fat I'm making a joke about being fat but I'm not really fat because I want people to laugh at the idea of me being fat but I don't want anyone to think I'm actually fat okay because I'm a lawyer but I'm not fat I'm but I'm pretending to be F I challenge you to do that on news night review that will be fantastic then third Point apparently at some point in the production process she's fallen asleep in a in a vat of plastic right and it's gone like this and her whole face has locked like that so Anne Hathaway who is all eyebrows and teeth here's an an haway for I'm having to interpret all telis eyebrows ey no no fine meanwhile literally look face like this she okay fine imagine if you got F on the webcam the lights are on don't do this at home right if you get uh what you call it cing film right and you wrapped it around your face with your Fringe down right that would be what um Kate Hudson's performance is like meanwhile if you got a mulinex Minah and put it on either side of your eyebrows don't do this at home and your eyebrows were going up and down was that would be Kate Hudson's performance so what you have is on the one hand a performance of a face which has no movement on the other hand the performance of her face which is all eyebrows and teeth now for some reason somebody's got it into their head that this is hilariously funny and you know and the funniest scene in the movie the movie that actually made me wonder whether the ghost of Harold Pinter wasn't actually hanging over all this is there's a scene in which two characters argue about their wedding plans while somebody else sits in the background doing their tax returns I mean you think oh I get it right it's not meant to be a chick-flick it's meant to be a hideous existential drama that makes you lose the will to live and it's actually peopled by you know strange Walk-Ons from the Stepford white that's what it is it's a satire and then I go no it's not it's a movie that's not funny and it's 2009 and everything's starting really bad and I I'm going to say so take a m x and a cling film no obviously don't do any of these things because if you do you'll hospitalize yourself but I'm just trying to I'm trying to paint a picture with words like that bloke describing The Fleets lit up you know I'm trying to paint you trying apart from doing Impressions which were ridiculous on the radio cuz I had to describe them unless you're watching on the webcam cuz the lights are on and it's big live stream okay Kate Hudson right who looks like this okay she gets into a dress Puck it up lip to Lemon well ready okay

Channel: kermodeandmayo

Views: 270,978

Keywords: Kate, hudson, anne, hathaway, mark, kermode, film, review, bride, wars, movie, five, live, bbc, radio, simon, mayo

Id: ao5fW6VUYxo

Length: 9min 1sec (541 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 10 2009