Mark Kermode Reviews Pirates Of The Caribbean 3

hello and welcome to our second vodcast this is Simon Mayer and I'm at Wentworth for the PGA golf mark is in can for the film festival which you know he loves so much so I'm here he's their bit of split screen fun and as you know there's a big rant coming up because this week saw the release of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 hold on to your hats Salameh oh it went with Mark Kermode in can this from James king's palace of earthly delight Alex Neve in East Dulwich says having just seen the 3rd installment of this nauseating franchise I can safely assure the listening public that there is not a single element that suggests to me that we won't be getting a full-on commodians style rant of the century put away your eye patches give up your rum bottles turn your radios up to 11 it's going to be an absolute screamer mark what did you think of the new Pirates movie well I think it's important to say that one has to go into these things with an open mic yeah right no I know but look ok so I mean historically the first Pirates movie was actually billed right and ended up no it was it was rubbish and it ended up taking like a billion dollars worldwide which was really really terrifying the second one was kind of worse because it was longer and it was a holding pattern because it went like a 150 minutes and nothing happened I mean a bunch of stuff happened but nothing actually happened just a bunch of stuff happened and then when it came out on DVD I said to everybody nation boycott this movie this stuff does well it's your own fault and it came out on DVD and I was told this terrifying fact that it was the fastest selling DVD of all time somebody may even have been you said that on the day that it was released one in five DVDs that were sold was Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so we get I had to go to nice firstly so I got needs to see you know in the in version original and I'm really heartened because I get into the cinema there's only four other people in the cinema 2 2 o'clock screening ok admittedly it's an English screening in France but there's quite a lot of English speaking people in France it was large the Americans in the for so you sit down ok I think ok we're here for 168 minutes film starts off with a hanging sequence a sequence in which a whole bunch people including underage personally but but probably the most misjudged opening of any allegedly family-friendly movie I've seen in a long time you sit there thinking she's they've they've totally lost the plot they've decided to go dark for the you know for the third Pirates movie what on earth are they playing it this is not something that needs to go dark this is something that needs to lighten up a little this something that actually needs you know to be entertaining but no we have this really long really sort of drawn-out really completely out of place at hanging sequence at the beginning and the BBFC guidelines I looked it up says contains moderate horror and action-adventure violence we said contains you know completely inappropriate darkness at the beginning that is absolutely out killed with the rest of the film and has no right being at 5:00 so we get through that then after the opening sequence the plot or more precisely the plots start and if you remember any of the plot threads that were at the end of pirates the Carribean - it's like I was somebody's gotta go off and find a heart somebody gotta find an island somebody's got to get treasure map somebody's got to get a compass somebody's got to sing a song somebody's got to stand on their head and turn around 38 times that old loon dole and has got to go and find his dad for some reason that's not clear to anybody but other than the fact that stellan skarsgård is clearly picking up the check and he's a great actor so I'm happy that he's employed so it starts and it goes on a little bit and I'm thinking I'm really dreading the moment that Johnny Depp is going to come on and do that Keith Richards impression that we all know wasn't funny the first time and really wasn't funny the second time and here we go he's going to do it the third time and then the movie plods along with you know Keira Knightley and Orlando bland and all the rest of it all happening and no Johnny dead it's 35 minutes before Johnny Depp Bakshi arrives on the screen and I'm starting to think this is really clever because what they've done is they realized that Johnny Depp is so terrible in the feel that they're withholding him they were holding him because actually everything else in the film's going to be better without him but no 35 minutes in Johnny Depp turns up but not just one Johnny Depp 10 Johnny Depp stand up at the beginning and there's a there's a brilliant line in Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy which is referring to a Arthur Dent meeting up with a human flip got the martin freeman character and he says is one of those people that you couldn't see him for months at a time and then as soon as you saw him he was immediately annoying and Johnny Depp in Pirates the Carribean three is exactly but he's immediately annoying squared he's immediately knighted to the power 10 because there are 10 of him and there's a little bit of business about Oh Johnny Depp's dead but he's in the underworld all this stuff seems to exist purely to show off the fact they've got a special effect that can turn a stone into a crab great brilliant Mulder's not enough to hang a feature film on but hey well done to the special effects guys and they escaped from the underworld that he got into at the end of the last movie because I think Kira killed him at a court can't quite remember there's something with a Kraken and then they all get together they say okay off we go on the various plot strands again and it's business as usual there's a there's actually one like this when somebody says one person there's the ninth piece of eight which is just about as coherent as any forward plot synopsis gets on the earth on the IMDB trivia page it says the most amazing thing about pirates 3 is that they started filming without a completed script no they finished filming without a completed script so they just ended up like a montage of bits a whole bunch of special effects a little bit of him doing that a little bit everyone else and they just stuck them together in any order and they didn't cut any of it out just there's 160 eight minutes shove it out into the cinema and everyone will buy it because everyone has clearly had some kind of terrible you know joint lobotomy so the nobody any longer has the guts to stand up and say this is absolutely terrible and what we doing here actually we should walk out the cinema and go next door where they're showing zodiac however Johnny Depp Lisa the problems let's start with Keira Knightley cuz clearly Keira Knightley's agent has been speaking to the scriptwriter and saying look it's fabulous we're really pleased that Kier is back in the mood again obviously wonderful thing is up until now she has really been window dressing and what we really think is that Kira needs to sort of expand her role and why don't why don't you make Keira a pirate because I think really she could do pirates so through the most ridiculous contrived a you know plot device Keira Knightley actually ends up being king of all pirates in all the world ever so Keira Knightley king of the Pirates this means that Keira Knightley has to do two things firstly she has to do the pirate are you know hahahaha but of course when Keira Knightley does it it's like that yar yeah hello ah ha ha ha ha then she has to do a rabble rousing speech which is basically like that speech that Mel Gibson does in Braveheart about you know they can take our lives but they can never take her freedom only when Keira Knightley does that speak it basically sounds like the head girl addressing a convention of fifth formers on prize-giving day at the end of term so Keira disastrous given more to do messes it up terribly and then we have the Magisterial talent of Elune doe gland now there has always been a problem with or lindo which is that very early on the script had a relationship between the Keira Knightley character and the or lune dog line character nobody at that point realized the minute you've got or lindo blind on-screen nobody would care I happened to be so wet he's so drippy so completely ineffectual nobody cares about him so in the second one there was this sort of attempt to make the Keira Knightley character somehow interested in the Johnny Depp character cuz everybody else in the audience other than me was interested in the Johnny Depp character and kind of didn't care what happened to a loon doe bland so this time we have to you know we have to we have to take all in a van Tex I'm kind of interested in that he's acting this love interest against Keira Knightley no Keira Knightley's acting has always been wooden but this time it is like a Petrified Forest of woodenness I mean you really feel like you could build a very nice piece of Ikea furniture out of her performance it's that bad and when she and a loon doe bland are on-screen together it's like watching two chairs mating I mean there's a scene in which they have the kiss and it's literally what is that is that a nest of tables no it's orlando bloom and keira knightley having sort of some red-hot passionate embrace the you know is positively Tiki and you feel like you need to get out of the varnish and varnish it so that so it's a two central character I'm good I'm going to give away a plot point now if you're going to sit through Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End and never was a film more accurately named turn your ears away from the radio now because there is a moment towards the end of this film in which it is contrived to have Keira Knightley can get married to Orlando Bloom but she can only see him for one day in every 10 years I'm sorry if somebody made me that offer I take it right now if somebody said to me if I marry Orlando Bloom you won't have to see him again for another 10 years and when you do you take this man yes absolutely I will take him right now if I only have to see him one day every 10 years sign me up because I don't think I can stand another moment of sitting there in the cinema watching this dribble some bore you know waltz around like somebody out of a milk try advert I mean what how on earth has he become the prominent actor that he has many killed kingdom of heaven stone dead and in this he's actually got worse than before and then we have the mighty Johnny Depp performance so Johnny Depp started off doing this performance as basically Keith Richards although actually he wasn't really doing Keith Richards as far as I can tell he seemed to be doing David Bowie around the period of the Laughing know everyone says I was a great impression of Keith Richards we did sounded like David Bowie alone I won the Pirate King Jack Sparrow that's not Keith Keith Richards that's David Bowie but the big gag with pirates the Caribbean 3 is guess what Keith Richards is actually going to up so you sit there and you fall asleep when you wake up and you fall asleep you stretch you back a little bit and you feel most of your lower body starting to go numb and then about two hours the way through Keith Richards turns up and here's how it goes Keith Richards goes hey there and Johnny Depp that's hiya and Keith Richards goes hi yeah if you thought Johnny Depp was bad at being Keith Richards you should see Keith Richards trying to be Keith Richards I mean there was a ripple of sort of appreciation in the audience but as far as I could tell was entirely for the fact that Keith Richards was still alive at all but he's even worse at doing it on screen Keith Richards than Johnny Depp is and between them is of you know incredible in joke about oh it's so funny up until now I've been doing Keith Richards now here he actually is like no no all of you or the Rolling Stones don't care go away I mean you know I never want to see the Rolling Stones I don't ever see another Pirates of the Caribbean movie despite the fact at the end of this there is a door left open for there to be another one the whole thing goes on forever I added this upright first movie 142 minutes second 150 minutes this 168 minutes I make that the best part of eight hours of my life Stanley Kubrick went from the beginning of civilization to you know the dawn of a new breed of human being in just over two hours this is taken eight hours to get from point A to point A it's enough it has to stop now and really if you go in if you pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault and you're bringing down the collapse of Western civilization and I I had it feeling in my water that actually Gore Verbinski was going to pull it out of the bag and do something that would make me have to say I'm wrong but you know what I'm so I am so right it is so bad I've been on for 15 minutes I've been to the 17th tee and I checked on the leaderboard let me know when you're done you asked I'm done you

Channel: DrMarkKermode

Views: 339,150

Keywords: BBC, Five, 5, Live, Mark, Kermode, Film, Review, Pirates, Of, The, Caribbean, 3, Dead, Mans, Chest

Id: lZMfe4qnoKU

Length: 11min 6sec (666 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 26 2007