Brene Brown's SECRET To Healing YOURSELF & MAKING AN IMPACT ON THE WORLD! | Lewis Howes

the one thing i've learned in my research above all else is that in the absence of love and belonging there's always suffering so when i hear about your experiences growing up that's suffering you know that's real suffering and for me not making the drill team when i was i think it was in eighth grade by itself is not a lot but how my family responded to it it was like when things changed for me i didn't feel like i belonged to my family anymore so i think that i still am trying to figure it out i don't know i don't know that i've entered i don't know that i've interviewed anyone even spiritual leaders who have the belonging thing completely nailed because i don't think it is what we think it is you know i don't think that it's having a big posse of friends or having a crew or rolling with a bunch of people i think i'm still trying to figure it out because i still feel lonely and alone and on the outside of things on a really regular basis really i mean you're going on a book tour with thousands of people 15 city tour yeah millions of fans around the world and you still feel alone yeah i can feel really lonely and it's really hard because you know you talk about that book tour i'm severely introverted yes super private and so i love that connection between me and an audience but it can also be hard on me and also i'm talking about things that no one it's weird to me that people sign up to talk about them but they're hard topics sometimes and we laugh and we have fun and we'll sing but um i think what i've learned in doing the research on belonging is that belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself but it's also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else and so i think i spend a lot of time belonging to myself and sometimes that makes other people uncomfortable and so i think that's hard i think i do feel i'm always looking for i don't know about you but i'm always looking for the road map like i want to find the researcher storyteller christian lover of all people fighter of the resistance i want to find the blueprint of who's ahead of me believing what i believe in and doing it really well mm-hmm but there's not really a blueprint sometimes from you know we're trying to figure it out yeah we're all trying to figure it out i don't get to copy anybody and so it's hard yeah it's still hard but here's a thing that has changed everything for me i belong to me so even when i feel alone and i wonder like who's my crew and who are my people um i belong to me for sure for the first time in my life maybe yeah and i think we lose ourselves sometimes by trying to belong in groups that we don't fit in yeah you know i remember being in you know the youngest on these sports teams growing up i was playing on the junior varsity as a freshman or the varsity or whatever so i was the youngest and i remember just wanting to fit in just like you did in the uh that team i wanted to fit in i wanted to feel like they liked me like i mattered like i was the cool kid or whatever and when they would do things that i didn't really agree with or they would bully other kids or make fun of people it's like i didn't want to not say anything you know i didn't want to stand against them because i wanted to belong yeah so if i did stand up against them then that means i was alone and that was my biggest fear was being alone no yeah because that's what that's what teams and groups deliver they deliver this thing that you're not alone the problem is there's just i was so shocked to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking who do i need to be what do i need to say what do i need to wear how do i need to act and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are it demands that we be who we are because if we if we belo if we fit in because how we've changed ourselves that's not belonging that's not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people and that's not sustainable yeah you start to lose yourself you start to lose yourself exactly what you said and so i think it's hard you have to show up as who you are how do we find out who we are that's the life's work right that's freaking hard um do you know who you are uh yeah i do who are you uh in what way if if someone just said who are you brene what would you say uh renee brown [Music] mom partner researcher storyteller texan i don't know i ask them how much time they have because you know the thing is that we want to when we ask people who they are and we want to know we'd like those really easy files to put them in but i'm a complicated person are you yeah and so i think i know who i am what makes you complicated i don't know i'm complicated but i'm complex um you're interesting i hope so very interesting that's some days now i think what makes me complex is i think what makes everyone complex is the paradoxical nature of people so you know like i speak in public i love doing that but i'm incredibly introverted um i'm kind of a traditionalist around things my kids say yes ma'am no ma'am but i also raise them to challenge authority every time they get the opportunity to do that but to be really polite when they're doing sure yeah so i think i'm um i'm unapologetically earnest like i believe in the goodness of people but i believe it's hard work to stay out of fear and stay good yeah and so i think i understand people i think have a lot of empathy but i'm also not afraid of discomfort so i think there's just a lot of push and pull sure and i think that's true of all of us i do not like to be defined mm-hmm i think that's you i i was gonna say i feel like my entire life i didn't wanna be defined as well they were like you're gonna be this jock in college you're gonna be like this alcoholic you're going to be in the frats yeah all my siblings said this to me and i was like no i'm not i made a bet with each one of my siblings 100 each that i want to have one sip of alcohol in college because i was like i want to go against everything you think i'm going to be yeah i joined the school of musical because they were like you're just gonna do sports i sang i play guitar i salsa dance i was like i'm gonna do everything different than what people would expect of a tall white man right that's awesome i was like i want to be different yeah and i think in that process i was like trying to discover who i really was what i liked my dreams what you know what was fun for me yeah as opposed to just trying to fit the box in the mold of everyone else because you can lose yourself in that fitting in i think you can lose yourself in the fitting in and you can lose yourself in the rebuttal to the fitting end that's true trying to go against it yeah yeah it's really hard i mean it's the thing that it's it's a quote that is braving the wilderness is all about this starts with this quote from maya angelou that you're we're never free until we belong nowhere which we belong everywhere which is nowhere which is no place at all which i thought was a terrible quote for many years and i was like why are you saying that dr angelo you're pissing me off but then i realized really the and she says the the cost is high but the reward is great and i think i think that's the thing that i feel like i belong everywhere i go no no matter where it is or who i'm with as long as i never betray myself and the minute i become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment i no longer belong anywhere and that is hard yeah i mean that's a hard practice that's an everyday practice wow yeah because i can i can be whoever you want me to be like that you're like a chameleon you said oh i could be totally like a chameleon like sometimes it's really funny because like i always because i travel so much i have all these miles i always sit in business class and i'm normally the the only woman in business class um every now and then there's one other maybe which is a conversation we should be having too sure um but it doesn't matter what dude sits next to me like i can talk about whatever that person like and it's so funny because we'll talk about sports usually first or football or we'll talk about politics and he'll say what do you do study vulnerability and shame oh well huh well i'm going to play some angry birds you know and right that moment like i can just it's it's not that i know everything about everything it's just so you're saying most men don't want to chime in and learn more about them no that's usually if i want to go to sleep i'm like i'm a shame researcher what do you do you're like okay um but i think i can be anything like yeah you're adaptable i'm adaptable and adaptable is great because because anyone that comes to my home or here to work i can make you feel comfortable of course but then if i get so adaptable that my goal my intention of adapting is to make sure you like me then that's when i betray myself yeah what would you say is the time in your life you've been the most alone high school it's the whole journey yeah it just sucked it does suck it does and you know my daughter just graduated from high school and she had this amazing experience you know just just incredible experience and um it was so healing to watch oh that's nice yeah and i think it happened because she i think she had the confidence to put herself out there and you know student council president and the you know that kind i think because we have a rule at our house that no matter what you belong here no matter how goofy awkward afraid wrong it doesn't matter you belong here and so i think when we give our kids a platform like that at home it gives them the courage to take risks outside of home does that make sense because they feel safe coming back no matter what happens they always have a place to come home to yeah and i grew up in a house where it was very chaotic i'm the oldest of four and fitting in and being cool was the most important thing so i think without that pressure i probably would have never tried out for that drill team um but in my in my world growing up you only did two things you were a cheerleader or you were on the drill team and preferably you married a running back or a quarterback i mean that was the way it went um and so for me i probably would have been like president of the french club you know or i would have been in debate or those kind of things newspaper yeah oh for sure yeah yeah photographer for the yearbook yeah but those things did not have a lot of value really no no parents didn't instill that as something credible or worthwhile no it's just i cool was the number one value at home cool lots of friends popular yeah and that just wasn't my i wasn't that thing you know i was yeah i wasn't and so what i did is i just started drinking smoking weed hanging out with you know i found i found a place to be you know cool and yeah that just goes bad fast yeah yeah have you ever had a conversation with your parents about this oh yeah we've talked about all of it you have yeah you've let it go you've processed it all oh yeah because they you know they read my books as i write them and they're you know they're like this is exactly what every parent wants a child who grows up to be a shame researcher um but no they just that's the miracle of my parents like my parents they've taught me the best thing about parenting that anyone i think could ever know which is it doesn't end when your kids leave like they keep growing and exploring and um learning you know and however hard it was for me not being able to be vulnerable we did not do vulnerability growing up really no no no like yeah like our family motto is literally lock and load like get ready you know family trips you're in the car for five hours that's all six of us you really have to go to the bathroom but the rest stop is on the other side of the highway we're not pulling over like suck it up hold it like we were tough we were tough like we'd fall down and get hurt you know my dad would say like i got bigger scratches than that on my eyeball you know like yeah yeah like we were tough and so and we were and we were taught to outrun vulnerability we were taught to suck it up soldier on get her done yeah and so however hard that was for me growing up imagine what it was like for my parents in the 50s you know my dad who was the youngest of six his dad died when he was 16. you know um was he able to process that or no no he just did the next thing you do played football played college ball um my mom who's my grandmother who i named my daughter after was an alcoholic and she was drunk every other day of my mom's life but she was the most amazing person in the world but everyone knew she was an alcoholic so my mom wasn't allowed to have friends at our at her house growing up because it was the 50s and she was divorced you know and so my mom became the head of the drill team and the you know the valedictorian and and so however hard it was for me growing up having to try to outrun vulnerability it was a million times harder on my parents and they didn't they did what they knew how to do and they loved us as much as they could love us with the tools they had and so i don't have i think the hard part comes from people that i've interviewed my whole life where the parents don't grow and change and they see anything a child trying to do differently as criticism of what they did as opposed to my parents who lean in and say tell me more about that i have a funny story you hear a funny story about my dad yeah it's great so we do a lot of choice theory with my daughter and my son and so choice my husband's a pediatrician so like we know a lot about child development from our just from school right and so when when ellen was little we used to do this thing where we would say um you know you have two choices like louis you have two choices you can either hand me the water i'm gonna have to take it from you what is your choice so that if you decide not to hand it to me and i have to take it it's not my fault that was your choice right and so one night i was talking to eleanor we were in my dad's house in san antonio and i was like ellie you need to turn off dora the explorer it's time to go to bed and she's like and i said ellen you have two choices you can get up and turn off the tv or i'm gonna get it up and turn it off for you and if i have to get up and you know turn off the tv you're gonna lose privileges to watch it tomorrow and that's your choice oh yeah that's your choice so do you know and i would hate that for you but that would be your choice and my dad was sitting in the recliner next to me he's like ah damn sis what are you raising a hostage negotiator and i was like dad and he's like seriously renee we had four of y'all we didn't have time for that yeah so the next day i come home i'm visiting friends in san antonio and he's watching ellen and he's in the driveway it's like 110 degrees in san antonio and he's sweating he's like alan you have two choices you can either put the bicycle up or i'm gonna have to put it up for you and the second one's a dumbass choice so i was like wow you're so close you're getting there but you're getting there my parents are amazing in that way that like they're learning and changing so i think it's harder when parents say i'm done what you got was what you got no apologies no change take it or leave it and if you do it differently with your own kids you're a sucker wow and i think we see that a lot yeah we do if you're looking for more greatness in your life make sure to check out this video right here and also check out our free pdf the three secrets to unlock the power of your mind to help you change your life download it right here but if it goes through the lens of who i am is this past story this limitation this person that tried to achieve it and failed

Channel: Greatness Clips - Lewis Howes

Views: 1,437,172

Keywords: lewis howes, audio podcast, best selling author, brene brown, braving the wilderness, belonging, vulnerability, daring greatly, courage, brené brown, ted talk, the school of greatness, dr. brené brown, the power of vulnerability, the gifts of imperfection, brene brown shame, mask of masculinity, brené brown (author), personal development, brene brown interview, oprah winfrey, self help, self improvement, self development, perosonal development, how to have courage, success

Id: J7xEDxzmGzo

Length: 16min 41sec (1001 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 11 2021