Brené Brown SECRETS For HEALING YOURSELF & Making An IMPACT In The World |Lewis Howes

we can't ever get rid of shame what we can do is develop resilience to shame so when it happens and it washes over that warm wash that makes you feel small and not enough when that washes over me rather than yelling at my kids are just decimating myself with hateful language you know and like you're stupid or you're not now now when it washes over me I'm like okay I'm in shame don't talk text or type what happened so there are still I mean I still have triggers around it welcome back everyone to the school of greatness podcast I'm very excited today we have the incredible brené Brown on thank you so much for having me I really appreciate it yes I'm very excited to be here we have an event called the summit of greatness every year an annual event and the people on my team in our program write down the person that they want to have on the school of greatness and most of our team is women and most of them put your name down as the people the person we want to have on so we're finally making it happen in my team can stop asking for Barnea is happening and I'm very excited about this because you have a new book out called braving the wilderness the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone make sure you guys get this book right now it's gonna change the game and I got a chance to go through it love everything that you you write about in here and I feel very connected to you yeah because I felt very alone for almost my entire life I feel like I didn't belong anywhere I was the youngest of four I was always picked on bullied I was sexually abused when I was a kid by a man that I didn't know I was always picked last on sports teams and I know you weren't even picked for I think was the step team or some type of oh yeah the dress name the drill team I remember how that made that kind of transformed your life it was defining defining right these moments that we go through as kids can really define and shape us and so I'm just I feel connected to you in that sense that I felt very alone and didn't know who I was for a very long time and still I'm trying to learn Who I am yeah yeah you are did you seem like you have it all figured out oh god no I don't know I don't have I mean first of all I think the one thing I've learned in my research above all else is that in the absence of love and belonging there's always suffering so when I hear about your experiences growing up not suffering yeah that's real suffering and for me not making the drill team when I was I think it was in eighth grade by itself is not a lot but how my family responded to it was like when things changed for me and I didn't feel like I belonged to my family anymore so I think that I still I'm trying to figure it out I don't know I don't know that I've entered I don't know that interviewed anyone even spiritual leaders who have the belonging thing completely nailed because I don't think it is what we think it is you know I don't think that it's having a big posse of friends or having a crew or rolling with a bunch of people I think I'm still trying to figure it out because I still feel lonely and alone and on the outside of things on a really regular basis really I mean you're going on a book tour with thousands of people are 15 city tour yeah millions of fans around the world and you still feel alone yeah I can feel really lonely well then it's really hard because you know you talk about that book tour I'm a severely introverted yes super private and so I love that connection between me and audience but it can also be hard on me and also I'm talking about things that no one it's weird to me that people sign up to talk about them but they're hard topics sometimes and we laugh and we have fun and we'll sing but I think what I've learned in doing the research on belonging is that belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself but it's also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else and so I think I spend a lot of time belonging to myself and sometimes that makes other people uncomfortable hmm and so I think that's hard I think I do feel I'm always looking for it and about you but I'm always looking for the roadmap like I want to find the researcher storyteller Christian lover of all people fighter of the resistance I want to find the blueprint of who's ahead of me believing what I believe in and doing it really well mm-hmm but there's not really a blueprint sometimes figure it out yeah we're all trying to figure it out I don't get to copy anybody and so it's hard yeah it's still hard but here's the thing that has changed everything for me I belong to me so even when I feel alone and I wonder like who's my crew and who are my people I belong to me for sure and for the first time in my life maybe yeah and I think we lose ourselves sometimes by trying to belong in groups that we don't fit in yeah you know I remember being in you know the youngest on these sports teams growing up I was playing on the junior varsity as a freshman or the varsity or whatever so the youngest and I remember just wanting to fit in just like you did in the that team and I wanted to fit in I wanted to feel like they liked me like I matter yeah like I was the cool kid or whatever and when they would do things that I didn't really agree with her they would bully other kids or make fun of people I was like I didn't want to not say anything you know I didn't want to stand against them because I want that long Wow so if I did stand up against them then that means I was alone and that was my biggest fear was being alone yeah oh yeah because that's what that's what teams and groups deliver mm-hmm they deliver this thing that you're not alone yeah the problem is there's just I was so shocked to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking who do I need to be what do I need to say where I need to where how do I need to act and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are it demands that we be who we are because if we are we both if we fit in because how we've changed ourselves that's not belonging that's not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people mm-hmm and that's not sustainable yeah you start to lose yourself you start to lose yourself exactly what you said and so I think it's hard you have to show up as who you are how do we find out who we are that's the life's work right that's freaking hard you know who you are uh yeah I do who are you in what way if someone just said who are you burn a what would you say Renee Braun mom partner researcher storyteller Texan I don't know I asked them how much time they have because you know the thing is that we want to when we ask people who they are and we want to know we like those really easy files to put them in but I'm a complicated person are you yeah and so I think I know who I am what makes you complicated I'm complicated I'm complex um you're interesting what makes me complexes I think what makes everyone complex is the paradoxical nature of people mm-hmm so you know like I speak in public I love doing that but I was readily introverted I'm kind of a traditionalist around things my kids say yes ma'am no ma'am but I also raise them to challenge authority every time they get the opportunity to do that mm-hmm but to be really polite when they're doing yeah so I think I'm I'm unapologetically earnest like I believe in the goodness of people but I believe it's hard work to stay out of fear and stay good yeah and so I think I understand people I think I have a lot of empathy but I'm also not afraid of discomfort yeah so I think there's just a lot of push and pull sure and I think that's true of all of us I do not like to be defined hmm I think that do you I I was gonna say I feel like my entire life I don't want to be defined as well they were like you're gonna be this jock in college you're gonna be like this alcoholic you're gonna be in the frats yeah all my siblings said this to me and I was like no I'm not I made a bet with each one of my siblings $100 each that I want to have one sip of alcohol in college because I was like I want to go against everything you think I'm gonna be yeah I joined the school musical because they're like you're just gonna do sports I sang I play guitar I salsa dance I was like I'm gonna do everything different than what people would expect of a tall white man right that's all I was like I want to be different yeah and I think in that process I was like trying to discover who I really was what I liked my dreams what you know what was fun for me yeah as opposed to just trying to fit the box in the mold of everybody else because you can lose yourself in that fitting and I think you can lose yourself in the fitting in and you can lose yourself in the rebuttal to the fitting in that's true trying to go against it all oh yeah yeah it's really hard I mean it's the thing that it's it's a quote that is braving the wilderness is all about this starts with this quote from Maya Angelou that you were never free until we belong nowhere which we belong everywhere which is nowhere which is no place at all which I thought was a terrible quote for many years and I was like why are you singing that dr. Angelou you see me ah but then I realized really the and she says the the cost is high but the reward is great and I think I think that's the thing that I feel like I belong everywhere I go no no matter where it is or who I'm with as long as I never betray myself and the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere mmm and that is hard yeah I mean that's a hard practice that's everyday practice Wow yeah cuz I can I can be whoever you want me to be like that chameleon you said oh I can be totally like a chameleon like sometimes it's really funny because like I always because I travel so much I have all these miles I always sit in business class and I'm normally the only woman in business class and every now and then there's one other maybe which is station we should be having to sure but it doesn't matter what dude sits next to me like I can talk about whatever that person like and it's so funny because we'll talk about sports usually first our football or we'll talk about politics and he'll say what do you do nothing study vulnerability and shame oh well huh well I'm gonna play some Angry Birds you know and right that moment like I could just it's not that I know everything about everything it's just so you're saying most men don't want to chime in and learn more about that's usually if I want to go to sleep in like researcher okay but I think I can be anything like yeah you're doubtful I'm adaptable and adaptable is great okay because anyone that comes to my home or here to work I can make you feel comfortable of course but then if I get so adaptable that my goal my intention of adapting is to make sure you like me then that's when I betrayed myself yeah yeah what would you say is the time in your life you've been the most alone high school it's the whole journey yeah I just sucked it does suck at anyone and my daughter just graduate from high school and she had this amazing experience you know just just incredible experience and it was so healing to watch well that's nice yeah and I think it happened because she I think she's the confidence to put herself out there and shoot me you know student council president and the you know that kind I think because we have a rule at our house that no matter what you belong here no matter how goofy awkward afraid wrong it doesn't matter you belong here and so I think when we give our kids a platform like that at home it gives them the courage to take risks outside of home does that make sense they feel safe coming back no matter what happens they always have a place to come home to and I grew up in a house where it was very chaotic I'm the oldest of four and fitting in and being cool was the most important thing so I think without that pressure I probably would have never tried out for that drill team but in my in my world growing up you only did two things you were a cheerleader or you were on the drill team and preferably you married a running back or a quarterback I mean that was the way it went and so for me I probably would have been like president of the French club you know I would have been in debate or those kind of things paper oh for sure yeah yeah photographer the yearbook yeah but those things did not have a lot of value really not no errants didn't instill that is something credible or worthwhile no it's just I cool was the number one value at home cool lots of friends popular yeah and that just wasn't my I wasn't that thing hmm you know I was yeah I was and so what I did is I just started drinking smoking weed hanging out with you know I found I found a place to be you know cool and yeah that just goes bad fast yeah yeah have you ever had a conversation with your parents about this oh yeah we've talked about all of it yeah yeah you've let it go you've processed it all yeah cuz they you know they read my books as I write them and they're you know they're like [ __ ] this is exactly what every parent wants a child who grows up to be ashame researcher but no they just that's the miracle of my parents like my parents they've taught me the best thing about parenting that anyone I think could ever know which is it doesn't end when your kids leave mmm like they keep growing and exploring and learnt you know and however hard it was for me not being able to be Vault you know we did not do vulnerability growing up really no no no no like yeah like our family motto was literally lock and load like get ready you know family trips you're in the car for five hours that's all six of us you really have to go to the bathroom but the rest stop is on the other side of the highway we're not pulling ever like suck it up oh yeah like we were tough we were tough mmm like we'd fall down and get hurt you know my dad I would say like I got bigger scratches in that oh my ball yeah like yeah like we were tough and so and we were and we were taught to outrun vulnerability we were taught to suck it up soldier on get her done yeah and so however hard that was for me growing up imagine what it was like for my parents in the 50s mmm you know my dad who was the youngest of six his dad died when he was 16 you know was he able to process that or no no he just did the next thing you do played football played college ball my mom who's my grandmother who I named my daughter after was an alcoholic and she was drunk every other day of my mom's life well but she was the most amazing person in the world but everyone knew she was an alcoholic so my mom wasn't allowed to have friends that are at her house growing up because it was the 50s and when she was divorced you know and so my mom became the head of the drill team and the you know the valedictorian and and so however hard it was for me growing up having to try to outrun vulnerability it was a million times harder on my parents and they didn't they did what they knew how to do and they loved us as much as they could love us with the tools they had and so I don't have I think the hard part comes for people that I've interviewed my whole life where the parents don't grow and change and they see anything a child trying to do differently as criticism of what they did as opposed to my parents who lean in and say tell me more about that till I have a funny story or funny story yeah it's great so we do a lot of choice theory with my daughter and my son and so choice my husband's a pediatrician so like yeah well you knew a lot about child development from our just from school right and so when I what Ellen was little we used to do this thing where we would say you know you have two choices like Louis you have two choices you can either hand me the water I'm gonna have to take it from you what is your choice so that if you decide not to hand it to me and I have to take it it's a choice right and so what one night I was talking to Eleanor we were my dad's house in San Tan he and I was like hey Ellie you need to turn off Dora the Explorer it's time to go to bed and she's like mm-hmm and I said Alan you have two choices you can get up and turn off the TV or I'm gonna get it up and turn it off for you and if I have to get up and you know turn off the TV you're gonna lose privileges to watch it too mara and that's your choice hey that's your choice so do you know and I would hate that for you but that will be your choice and my dad was sitting in the recliner dextran like ah damn sis what are you raising a hostage negotiator I was like dad and he's like seriously Brunei we had four of y'all we didn't have time for that yeah so the next day I come home I'm visiting friends in San Antonio and he's watching Ellen and he's in the driveway it's like a hundred and ten degrees Antonia and he's sweating he's like Ellen you have two choices you can either put the bicycle up or I'm gonna have to blow it up for you and the second one's a dumbass choice my parents are amazing in that way but like they're learning and changing so I think it's harder when parents say I'm done what you got was what you got no apologies no changes take it or leave it and if you do it differently with your own kids you're a sucker Wow and I think we see that a lot yeah we do I mean what should parents be learning about how they can grow I mean how can they start to be aware because I think it starts with being aware for sure of what they know and what they don't know and being receptive to learning something different which is really hard to do I think you've had these habits for so long so that's the first thing and I want to dive into the lack of vulnerability with what's happening in Charlottesville right now as well cuz I know you did something on that this morning so I guess how can parents listen to this and be aware and be willing to move forward in a different way I'm learning something new when they're so stuck in their ways potentially that it's worked for them to this point to get to the where they're at you know I think I believe this with my my whole heart I believe that 99.9% of parents are truly waking up every day and doing the very best they can with what they have yeah I don't think there are a lot of parents who wake up and maliciously try to screw up their kids or hurt their kids or belittle or shame their kids I think we're doing the best we can with what we have and so I think to let go the idea that if I have done something that I could have done better or that I could learn from that I have to just come dat people defend their parenting like they're defending their lives because it's such a shame minefield yeah you know I mean a great example is the work you're doing around men and vulnerability I cannot tell you the number of fathers in the hundreds if not thousands of fathers I've interviewed that said I shamed my son every time he was vulnerable yeah I put him down I made fun of them I hit him every time he was vulnerable and now I look back and I know it's because that's the way I was raised or I was afraid he'd be soft and get hurt at school or you know whatever the thing is and so I think for parents it's about understanding giving yourself permission to not have it I'm not perfect like you know like I've never not been a researcher and a parent my husband's a pediatrician our kids will be in therapy right and the reason why I think that'll be so successful is there's only two kind of kids you raise kids who will ask for help when they need it our kids who won't and that's as good as it gets is to raise a kid who will ask for help yeah I never asked for help yeah I was always suffering inside yeah right and I always felt shameful guilty I just my way of asking was being angry resentful mad hitting people in sports or outside of sports because that's all I knew I'll tell you a story about a guy that entered that I interviewed very when the first man I interviewed when I went from interviewing all women to men was a guy who said I said what is shame for you and he used the PSP you ssy word which is like just synonymous with shame and male culture right and he said I'll never forget the day that changed my life he said I was at the bug practice I was a freshman in high school and he said the code shield get on the line and I didn't want to get on the line the line of scrimmage in case people don't know I know you know but he asked me to make sure I walked through all the sports metaphors with them and he said I was afraid to get on the line because I know you know that's where people crash into each other and so I must have had fear on my face because my coach looked at me and said don't be a PU s sy get on the line and he said that's the day that I learned that the way you deal with that is you change that fear into rage and he said and I just plowed over the guy across from me and then he said then I spent the lap next 20 years plowing over my wife my children my colleagues the people who worked for me yeah he said that's what I did with my favor yeah I mean I can definitely relate yeah I mean I remember being picked last on a on a team once when it was a co-ed sport we were playing dodgeball on the playground I think its third or fourth grade and there's two captains two guys and they were picking one at a time right and they don't they pick all the guys yeah and I'm like okay I'm gonna be the last guy chosen yeah but then they go and pick all the girls and then then I'm gonna pick my name I'm just by default the last pickers team and so as a as a you know a boy trying to fit in in third fourth grade it was devastating and I told myself at that moment I was like never again will I be picked last at any sport I'll do whatever it takes I am going to be a machine I'm gonna train for six hours a night I'm going to you know take no prisoners mentality is just I mean I dominated on that dodgeball game that day I was just like throwing the ball like just dive the everywhere I was like never again you know do you ever get picked last again never got picked last again right but and it helped me achieve you know was all stayed in multiple sports was all-american into sports I broke world records I played professional football I play them us a handball team now and it guided me towards achieving these things but it left me feeling very unfulfilled every time I achieve them or any time we lose it was like an attack of my life every loss we ever had in a sport it was like my life was at stake and I felt like I was worthless because if I didn't win yeah that meant no one was gonna accept me when I wasn't good enough where I was gonna be picked last or something so I would take it so personally when I wouldn't win and then I would take it out of my family my girlfriends my friends everything and I didn't know how to communicate and I'm still learning you know I'm still a perfect everyday but it's like I wasn't even aware there was never information about how to connect or how to communicate and feel like it was okay are you allowed to because anytime you try to talk about any vulnerabilities as a guy growing up for me it was like you're pu SS y ya don't be a little girl I won't be a BITC age you know all these things and so it's very I think it's very hard for me and especially for a lot of men who grew up to stand alone and feel like they belong in an isolated world if they're not going to join a group that's going to make fun of them or put other people down so how do we stand alone when we're not introverted or we want to be around other people how do we how can men communicate better or feel like it's okay to be vulnerable yeah we were talking before about how you know most men that I know played sports with would never watch the power of vulnerability TED talk or they would never read you know books from you or Oprah that I'm aware of because they would talk bad about you know female leaders trying to talk about vulnerability yeah you know they would say that's soft that's weak yeah you want to watch that stuff I don't read that stuff when really that's the stuff we need the most in my opinion and I think it's changing I think I told you earlier they think 50% of the readers of daring greatly or men and and the vast majority of leaders who bring me into organizations are men and I'll tell you I'll tell you why wise men I can uh I can flip it for you on a dime yeah so used to take me when men when men would say this is how the call would go hey we'd love for you to come in and work with our leadership team we saw your TED talk we thought it was great are you available and I'd say sure what he got me to talk about and they say anything but vulnerability and shame and I would say why so what do you want me to talk about that talked a little bit and they take courage and then I would say okay then I would try to spend like a half an hour explaining the relationship between vulnerability and courage yeah cuz all men want to be brave isn't vulnerability courage vulnerabilities courage so here's my ability power yes I have to ask one question to flip the whole thing it's this vulnerability is defined as uncertainty risk and emotional exposure can you name one act of courage that you've ever been involved in or that you've ever even witnessed that did not involve uncertainty risk and emotional exposure and it's a loaded question cuz I know the answer's no because I've asked it thousands and thousands I've stood in front of Navy SEALs and Special Forces military personnel and said give me an exam I want you to try hard to give me an example of courage that didn't require vulnerability and in ten years I've never had a single person be able to come up I've even had two guys come up to me who were in the military that said we're gonna think about it and get with you oh my god I said do it I would love it give me an example of courage even on the field mmm that doesn't involve vulnerability like if you if it if you think you're being brave and it doesn't involve risk or uncertainty you're not being that brave mm-hmm yeah if you know that's gonna turn out it's not courage mm-hmm and so in that moment people go shut but I want to be brave and I don't want to be vulnerable and I'm like therein lies the great dilemma of our day right yeah no one wants to be uncomfortable mm-hmm no one wants to be vulnerable and everyone wants to be brave and it just doesn't work like that right and anytime we try something new we've got a we've got to be like okay well yeah it's fall I mean when I ask people what his vulnerability people would say initiating sex with my wife sending my child out the door who thinks he's going to make the first chair in Orchestra and knowing he's probably not going to make the orchestra at all getting fired starting my own business saying I love you first in a relationship trying to get pregnant after my first miscarriage I mean like vulnerability is its uncertainty it's not knowing but doing it anyway because it's the brave thing to do and so the problem is I think that the greatest shame trigger for men is do not be perceived as weak and in our culture we believe that vulnerability is weakness so you don't have to skip too many steps before you go hey it's shaming to be vulnerable and so then do two things in the face of shame pissed off or shut down mm-hmm put on a mask put on a mask yeah and so what we're learning and what people are starting to see very quickly is you cannot be a courageous leader if you're not vulnerable if you're not willing to have hard uncomfortable conversations give hard feedback receive hard feedback excavate issues like charlottesville that no one wants to talk about like discomfort is the great enemy of courage like my motto is we say it here all the time choose courage over comfort because you can't have both and if you think you're being brave and you're super comfortable you're not being that brave is there an area of your life right now where you don't feel you're courageous enough or something you've been wanting to say to people that you haven't said fully or holding back the Charlottesville Facebook live today was hard was it yeah oh yes I wish my voice was shaking I was shaking in fact we got here today and we knew we were gonna film us together but we were gonna film some other stuff first I said just need to do the Facebook live because I don't want to lose my courage and I think that's hard because when you're when you talk about race and privilege and power first of all you're I'm gonna get like you know death threats and people are gonna say you know all that stuff you're wrong either way but the the ability that I have to opt out of speaking out about it because it doesn't supposedly affect me is the definition of privilege mm-hmm so I don't believe we can opt out of it yeah and I know that I'm white upper-middle-class really educated judeo-christian straight I know that I've got blinders on that no matter how hard I work I will say something that is not right and it will people will come back and they will fire off against me around it and it will hurt but I'd rather take the chance and it hurting and learning but it's always it's scary to talk about this stuff today it's hot do you think it's really hard and I try to come from a place of like super authentic and loving of all humanity all the time yeah I was raised by you know I had two great parents but my mom and told her sisters were really the ones who came back to me after they would go on a date with a guy they'd be like Lewis never do this on a date you always treat women this way so I've always tried my best yeah you know I'm imperfect in so many ways and constantly make mistakes with people yeah me too but most of my team I was telling you before most of my team is women I think 80% of my team is women and they successful well they and they get paid more than the men on my team not because they're women but because they produce better results and I my business based on results yeah I've got people of different ethnicities I've got people of different sexual orientations and I had someone tell me last week they said you know white male privilege is a thing and I think you need to incorporate more values into your organization so that you're not living from this white male privilege place and I was thinking about I was hurt by this because I get it I'm white I can't there's nothing I can do and based on the way I was born there's nothing I can do I can't change the way I was born but I can choose to determine how I want to live and I want to show up on a well so I'm constantly trying to be mindful of speaking out more yeah of because I think that's what a lot of my friends are saying about Charlotte's fell if white men aren't opening up and talking about this more it's not going to come across to the people that are I guess marching with torches which is just blows my mind that this is happening still it blows me away that this is happening I don't even understand it I'm like I'm blown away I don't know and I'm just like how can I be a better more impactful in this place and how can we get rid of this how can we end it yeah it just blows my mind no and I think we need to do a lot more listening then you know and hear what hear from the people who've been affected by this the longest I think we do need to speak out I think white silence around these issues is death I mean I just think it's it's it's terrible I don't think we can come in and save the day I think we need to come in and with humility and curiosity and say this is what I think and I want to learn and I want if I make mistakes let me know and I'll try to make them better and I think we need to take responsibility and I think it's easier sometimes for me in my life to just keep asking questions just keep reading just keep just keep talking about it and when I am so uncomfortable that I don't want to do it anymore just to keep doing it because to remember that my discomfort is you know that's my privilege yeah and so I don't know that there's an answer other than discussions and I'm not I wasn't surprised about Charlottesville's know I just really it just blows my mind maybe I'm just ignorant to that I don't I don't think it's about being ignorant to it it doesn't never Studies shame for 15 years and fear like that's what it looks like yeah what do you think there is any visuals margin like this our most shameful of in their own life why there so I would never mention to guess I don't know but I do think it's about powerlessness they feel powerless yeah and I think that people go oh my god okay so the white you know the white guy and the khakis and the you know fancy polo shirt Phil's powerless and you know cry me a river right I think we don't we don't give a [ __ ] about that at our own peril not caring about it and not trying to understand it I'm not taking it on my load for sure I'm not gonna add it to my back I got other stuff to do but I am gonna try to understand it because I can't imagine a way through what needs to happen over the next decade that does not involve understanding pain there's just incredible james baldwin quote that says now I understand why people hold on to their hate so stubbornly because once they let it go there's nothing but pain and I think we we dismiss and don't care about that pain at our own peril because pain will make itself known it will not be dismissed it's not an effect or an emotion that dissipates when it's ignored yeah well I think this is this is fascinating you're saying that's because I never wanted to feel the emotional pain it was so hard to go through I got him I'll break up with a girlfriend like I didn't know how to deal with the emotional loss yeah of any type of pain or stuff laughs as a man and I remember being in the fetal position my freshman year at college for days sobbing in my dorm room just curled up in a ball because I you know a relationship ended and I was so sad to be alone and I didn't have this person in my life anymore and I would take it out on the football field yeah I was like I don't want to feel this type of motion so how can I inflict as much physical pain on myself and other people you should get it out and it's hard to switch that off and just be like this loving vulnerable man after you're on the football field like inflicting pain on other people because you're supposed to know and I think whether we play football or not we're much better at causing pain than we are feeling pain it's you don't want to feel it no you don't and so we caused it and we hurt other people yeah and so and if you look at leadership whether you're an organization leading a country leading a family as a parent one of the cheapest easiest ways to lead is to give people someone to hate and blame for your own your misery and so we have to really watch that in our country right now so if we all you have to do when people are in uncertainty and fear is to give them someone to blame and give them a reason to blame them and then step back and watch everything just fall apart and so I think that's happening right now in our country and so we have to push away the rhetoric you know we have to own our pain and let me tell you it's not like you tell that story about the football field and that's so prophetic because every crisis we're up against right now almost without exception is about our inability or unwillingness to deal with pain if you look at the opiod addiction right now across you know somewhere beginning with physicians sent the message there's no reason for you to hurt at all mmm-hmm here's a pain reliever here's a pain reliever you know and things are not going well in your life well here's a way to discharge hate and pain that'll make you feel better like like anger but yeah medicated addicted in debt and obese Americans in history like our tolerance for discomfort is zero soft yeah yeah so here's the irony soft so in football I'll be soft I'll be sod it's actually inability to be vulnerable yeah that makes this week yeah I agree one of the things that I talk about and try to express as many people as possible is to actually put yourself through pain and discomfort every single day I try to do this physically through working out to try to push myself farther than I want to where I'm like emotionally want to cry yeah because I I just know by condition of myself to feel pain every single day that when a lot of stuff comes my way I'm capable of taking it on and processing the emotions as opposed to being like I just need to drink I need this I need that I've never been drunk in my life so I don't even know what that feels like but it's hard especially as for myself will speak for myself as a man it's hard growing up learning how to deal with those type of emotions it's really challenging there's no class in school it says okay when you're feeling this way Louis here's how you're supposed to act ability yeah here's how you're supposed to act here's the step by step process like there's no process that we're taught unless it's our parents or we seek it out and it's not modeled because I think parents fear kind of soft boys training too soft men who you know I remember interviewing this guy who was in the 70s and I said what has shamed you and he's like shame as being the kid you can shove up against the lockers yeah yeah shame is being the kid that you shovel yeah being a kid that you can shove up against the lockers yeah you know and it's like but really we've got to shift it and we've got to shift it I think it starts parenting school athletics is huge huge I mean it's a really I mean let me let me let me do this you're K this let's do the sports thing do it okay ready okay two football teams you're gonna place a bat okay both of them have hurt quarterbacks hmm both of them are playing well both of them have hurt quarterbacks this team over here recognizes its vulnerability it's gonna put in a second stream quarterback this team ignores its vulnerability and pretends like it doesn't exist who are you betting on hmm depends on the injury Hey because I played hurt my whole life you know so to say that most of us would say you are more you are less likely to win if you do not acknowledge your vulnerabilities as so even if you play your quarterback right you got to make sure your line is ready exactly you got a choice to plays up right hurt you're gonna bounce it off so give it more time in the hole whatever you're gonna do you acknowledge as their vulnerabilities it's gonna be more successful as adaptable right change right it's gonna be more success right yes right so why do we think it's men to pretend like you're not vulnerable makes you the most vulnerable yeah makes you the most susceptible I mean we just have data I mean just like I could fill this whole room with data about you don't get to opt out let me ask you this do you know a guy in the world you know a lot of guys right who can say I've existed this point in my life without being uncertain at risk or emotionally exposed right you can't not do vulnerability but you can pretend like you don't then you're not making choices over the behaviors you engage in when you're vulnerable yeah then you don't know when you're vulnerable and then you're acting nutty and I think you pay major prices oh yeah when you don't when you're unaware or when you're not acting like you're aware yeah you just act like everything's fine or you don't need help you don't need support you don't need to address a situation or yeah grieve or whatever it is now that's when you get hurt the most it's when you get hurt the mess you suffer the most and I think that's when the most anger frustration range rage and I guess divergent happens and I was watching this video last night where they were documenting the whole process of the Charlottesville thing I think vice was doing this the person interviewing like the leader one of the guys was like the leader of the Marches or whatever was saying about how you know this is our land and our forefathers were whites and it belongs to us it's like this whole thing that it belongs to a certain race or something is it I can't just blows my mind it's like forgetting clearly about the Native Americans who are who are you we took it right exactly but I mean just blows my mind that all this comes back to like feeling like we need to belong I guess to know and protect what was ours or what's our rights something it all comes back to identity and belonging belong it yeah but it but underneath identity and belonging there's something that we don't talk about and it comes it comes down to power it comes down to power I mean I think what we're witnessing is power overs last stand and that's what I love talk you you write about how I think most men who come from this place feel like power is only one person on one group can have the power as opposed so we can spread the power yeah throughout the world like it's a pepperoni pizza right like if I give Louis a little power I'm gonna have less so make sure I'm comfortable giving it to you when it's not don't give any slices away don't give slices away hold all that and so what we see around the world right now not just with this administration but globally is we see the concept of power over making a last stand and and it is not going to work what is going to work moving forward with the completely devastatingly difficult problems we have at hand is power within power to power with each other collective power the things that are killing us right now we're not going to solve by ourselves as a nation they're global issues we need global solutions we need everyone at the table for them but that is a really I mean we are at a huge turning point in history this should not be minimized or misunderstood I mean for the first time ever the problems that challenge us us challenge us the most are problems that will not be solved with national solutions they are global problems that require global solutions and collaboration and for a lot of people that's really scary or hard hard what about us what about me you know and last stands you know about last stands last stands are violent yeah last dance are fueled by desperation whatever it takes in fear and whatever it takes and we see at all risking it all and so what you're right now are people risking it all showing up at these marches with freaking tiki torches I mean like something that start around the Polynesia our Polynesian people feel about their tiki torches I mean like with tiki torches basically basically mimicking the Ku Klux Klan it's so but without sheets this is lat this is power overs last hand and these folks are nostalgic for a time that never existed what they thought they had the power where they yeah they're what they're interested in it was so much better back then and what they're not saying is when people knew their place and so it's going to get harder mm-hmm if you had a message to give to our nation's leader what would you say Roosevelt said that the president's the presidency above all else is a place for moral leadership and I believe there are lines that we do not cross their morality lines edged in dignity about people's inherent Worth and we should never across those lines and they have been crossed so many times around immigration around women around building walls and that at the very least we can we can argue about policy we can argue about whether you know Social Security lock boxes or what should we do around taxation health care those are important things but at the very least a person in that office should be a moral leader and that line should never be crossed because when you cross it it says so much more about your integrity than it does about the people you're attacking yeah yeah if you had a microphone and everyone had headphones on was listening to the end of this microphone and you got a message to share to all the men in the world within 60 seconds or less and all the men were to put on headphones and hear a message from you Jerry or well again I like it and you got one chance to say something to these men from all of the world and they could all understand English and they understood you you're taking care of all the logistics they got it on the it's not fuzzy there's no Wi-Fi signal at all everyone's got access to hearing your voice for 60 seconds all the men and all the women are actually standing by listening as well what would you say to all the men of the world in general golly you know I wouldn't want to screw that up let me think yeah I think I would say that vulnerability is not weakness it's about the willingness to show up and be seen when you can't control the outcome and it is actually our greatest measure of courage so show up in an authentic way and let us see your hearts because we know how lonely you actually are Wow yeah men are lonely mm-hmm I mean it's it's it's really mineral only it's really hard yeah but I I would not I think that's I don't think I would say anything differently to women is he either you know because I think there is certainly you know for women the greatest shame trigger is do it all do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat look perfect work perfect and all areas in all areas yeah yeah be smoking hot and brilliant and this but don't ever look like you're putting any effort toward it and so so easy right right is it is I know I don't understand what my sisters have not nailed that but I think so it's hard for women to be vulnerable because it's less than perfect you know I don't mean we're not wearing masks yeah yeah and it's terrible because then the two collide and you see in a lot of partnerships I mean I've seen it so much in my research this contract we have where I'll stay smoke and hot and awesome and you know money and earn and provider shame is such a real thing for men and you know you do this and this is our contract and we're both in straightjackets till we die yeah and so like we removed those chats we just start getting real with each other we do start being really honest and we see each other you know we really see each other yeah Wow I've got a few minutes left so I'm gonna be mindful of these questions I know now okay I can ask you I could talk to you for hours is there anything you feel ashamed of still I have moments for sure like I will have moments of but now I know I mean it's we can't ever get rid of shame what we can do is develop resilience to shame so when it happens and it washes over that warm wash that makes you feel small and not enough when that washes over me rather than yelling at my kids are just decimating myself with hateful language you know and like you're stupid or you're not now now when it washes over me I'm like okay man shame don't talk text or type what happened so there are still I mean I still have triggers around it I still have triggers around it I still think it's probably the same motherhood trying to you know do everything and balance everything and be where I'm supposed to be and that's still hard sometimes yeah you know what's the process that someone should take on when they feel shame anger rage well shame is shame I can't really help you with is first and foremost talk to someone talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love so if you really if you if something happens and you're overwhelmed with shame the first thing you need to do is get back on your emotional feet don't talk text or type to anyone because the firt one of things we want to do is push that [ __ ] out on other people I'm good yeah I'm guilty of that yeah yeah so just get into a dark quiet place and then talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love just be like do you it's okay like you screwed this up you what you said was super hurtful you're gonna have to circle back and clean that stuff up but give yourself a break here just like I would talk to Eleanor Charlie if they made a mistake then reach out and talk to someone about what you're feeling shame cannot survive being spoken so if you if I call you and I'm like Lewis I'm in a shame shitstorm you're not gonna believe what happened and you listen to me and you respond empathically or empathetically with something like oh my god I've been there or oh god I get it I'm sorry that sucks mmm shame can't hold on because shame can't survive empathy I hundred percent agree with that a quick example for 25 years I held on to this shame of being sexually abused by a man that I didn't know and I was like if anyone knew this about me you know my life was over that's how shameful I felt embarrassed and yeah you know abused I felt from the experience and when I finally had the courage to share it it took me you know a couple years to shared over and over many many times I don't feel shameful like I can talk about it openly and freely without feeling embarrassed without feeling weak soft vulnerable because you know I own the experience and it's not something I have to hold in and like rate and react to rage because I can just share it and I can communicate as opposed to so great holed into this yeah and I think whenever I face anything that I'm scared to talk about now I just say well how can I talk about it how can I journal I like to journal first oh that's huge so no one can shame me rather than awesome huge yeah and then start having conversations and when we have ownership over that shame I feel like it doesn't notice anymore I mean so that's a perfect example first of all um it's devastating than that happens it happens to boys one in six yeah and they think that's an underestimate you think that that no one in six is what's known yeah and they think it's probably double that because of our culture and inability of boys to speak safely even to their own parents around it I never told anyone write a Paris oh no right so so here's the example exactly you talk about it now so we so two choices you own your story you get to write the ending you don't own the story the story owns you yeah so then you talk about it now so shame can't hold on but then people see and hear you talking about it and it gives them permission to talk about it that's why cannot hold on to being spoken so your courage to talk about that deflates shame it takes it out of the air it's like filtering poison out of water because you've got the courage to speak up I mean and that's how it works and that's how all of this works is that we own our story or it owns us mm-hmm final two questions this is called the three truths I asked everyone at the end of this yap the interviews the three truths you've written many books you know all new number one New York Times bestsellers let's imagine it's your last day many many years from yeah you get to write the story when it's your last day on your own terms all right you've written every book you've ever wanted to write about everything you've always wanted to say you've done every video interview whatever it is you've achieved anything you set out to do okay but for whatever reason it's all erased and gone so no one has access to any of this information okay and you're there with all the people you care about mm-hmm you have a piece of paper and a pen and you get to write down three things you know to be true about everything you've experienced in life this is all people would have of your message left behind what would you say are the three truths for you Steve Ellen and Charlie were my greatest true loves for sure after that everything seems small love takes courage be brave let yourself be seen and don't wait for the grown-ups to get there it's that's that's the myth we don't know what we're doing we're just putting our best foot forward so if you have an idea or an answer go for it yeah yeah yeah before I ask the final flush yeah I want to make sure you guys go get the file let's go it's easy but this is braving the wilderness the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone make sure you guys go get this book it's gonna be a game-changer highly recommend it's all how to linked up everywhere on the site and below this video very powerful you're an incredible writer and I just know this is gonna serve so many people who feel alone in the world of uncertainty and I want ignosi Bernay for being an incredible gift to the world with all of your imperfections the beautifulness that you have within you I think it takes so much courage to share these things the way you've been doing them for years decades you've been opening up and talking about it and to bring it out to a public platform and continue to dive in deeper I acknowledge you because the weight that it carries of listening to everyone else's pain as I've started to open up about mine I just feel the weight of everyone now sharing with me I can only imagine it's a lot the weight that you get to carry and our you know privilege to carry because of the work you're getting to do and the impact you have on so many people who feel who are suffering who feel like there is no hope there is no way out who are stuck in all areas of life you give people such inspiration and tools and education on how to transform their life so I acknowledge you for all the work that you do you're welcome you're welcome this is the final question it's amazing you're welcome it's my pleasure yeah the final question is simple it's what's your definition of greatness to own your story and love yourself through that process that's greatness to me appreciate you thank you very much thank you you

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 1,048,672

Rating: 4.8661628 out of 5

Keywords: lewis howes, audio podcast, best selling author, brene brown, braving the wilderness, belonging, vulnerability, daring greatly, courage, brené brown, ted talk, the school of greatness, dr. brené brown, the power of vulnerability, the gifts of imperfection, brene brown shame, mask of masculinity, brené brown (author), personal development, brene brown interview, oprah winfrey, self help, self improvement, self development, perosonal development, how to have courage, success

Id: TbsRU-crgsc

Length: 59min 27sec (3567 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 13 2017