Breaking Generational Cycles of Trauma | Brandy Wells | TEDxKingLincolnBronzeville

dear Brandi yesterday was your first day in school you and mom went to the mall to pick out a super dope outfit I outfit that matches your charismatic personality one that screams I don't need attention only to realize that your outfit was just to show I'll fit that your daddy bought but never saw you wear Brandi you'll begin to realize that there are many outfits that you wore to cover your trauma the reward was never in the clothes it was discovering what you were masking and smothering Brandi there will be a time for you to wear a different outfit I'll fit equipped to deliver daughter's outfit that's gonna have you face your triggers on and say today I wear nothing letter to my eight-year-old self when I was eight years old I didn't realize that what I was experiencing collator fuel a mental health diagnosis most people believe including my past self is that our current mental health status is in direct connection with our dog experiences our perceptions of children can be that they are to be seen and not heard and not the things that transpire in their lives they'll somehow just forget and move forward and for a mere moment in my life I too did a really good job at masking my fears I thought that every little girl lives life without a father that's the crazy thing about the concept of nature versus nurture my environment literally shaped my expectations so I had to sit with that eight-year-old girl because if I didn't amass my traumas it would later show up in my relationships my friendships and how I carried myself into this world and when I got done talking to her she told me to show up more consciously not only for me but for my children and their children because I refuse to leave a story written of pain I rather for my legacy to be built on purpose so the beginning of my rebirth was in connection to my passion and supporting other others in the in the birth of my first daughter Kennedy I found myself pregnant at 21 just about to graduate college and when I carried her in my womb I made my manifestation so clear I knew that if I was going to give birth to her that I wanted to do it right and by right I wanted to assure that she was going to receive the best outcomes I'm not even sure where that idea came from other than knowing that if my father wanted the same for me maybe I wouldn't be pregnant so young in the first place but the universe has a funny way of shifting you making you move in ways that make you show up as your best self the birth of Kennedy was in a direct connection to me becoming a social worker I literally immersed myself in careers where I was supporting or learning about children so I began to work with the juvenile population my goal for that population was simply to help them life plan give them some basic skills that can help them go a long way but I constantly found myself frustrated by the lack of progress in constant recidivism I was going in and out of homes of 12 to 18 year olds and their families who exemplify what it meant to have learned behavior they were so deep in their cycles and I'm guessing it was hard to see your way out I knew that if I wanted to continue to do this work that I needed to be in environments where I was discovering the why it is then that I learned that 50% of mental health diagnoses are given to children under the age of 14 so I decided that I was going to go back and receive my masters and I began to hear the terms early prevention early intervention terms used to describe the need to support a trial in the most critical part of their development ages zero to six it's at that time that a child's brain literally doubles in size and almost it's fully grown so at the cusp of me graduating with my masters and I had my second daughter Carter I found myself planted in an early childhood mental health program with Nationwide Children's Hospital at the same time I was beginning to cultivate my own family but I couldn't rejoice I was trying to translate the things that I learned to how I was becoming a mother myself I began to receive some of the best supervision and has some of the best trainings in which I was told that children only thrive in connection to the work that the caregiver puts in research tells us that when one trust of the dog is in the life of a child in the first year law in life they can receive the best outcomes but then I begin to get triggered by watching my husband be a father to our children he fathered beautifully what appeared to my fresh eyes as perfectly he led with intention and everything he did moving forward I knew that my girls were a priority but it was the small most simple moments that triggered me the kisses on their forehead the books at bedtime the wiping of the tears when they fail and then came their response their confidence their trust in him their faces when he walked into any room I wanted that I needed that and the more I witnessed it the more pain I felt so I naturally just placed that energy into work learning about concepts of parenting and early childhood mental health that I had never heard before it forced me to begin to dig into my roots and the roots of others I was supporting caregivers who told me stories of long histories of ancestral trauma I would talk to both mothers and fathers who told me about their own suffering I would sit on living room floors with grandmothers and grandfathers who had custody of their grandchildren because of the way that they have parented their children themselves it forced me to investigate more and it led me to the concept of epigenetics epigenetics tells us how take a moment to ponder are there things that you learn simply from watching observing your parents and are there things that you and Naegele inherit like in your blood streams like oceans to rivers epigenetics tells us just like diabetes that trauma can be passed down in the most simpler terms we now know that you can inherit things outside your DNA sequence of genes so yes your temperament is part of your biology watching your parents physically fight two problems off that's how you become to learn about how to deal with conflict so I had the reason to do the healing work I knew that the blame was not supposed to be or my father and the father's before him is it that our parents parent us from a place in which they were raised and if we really wanted to take it there can we think of our ancestors who have been stripped away from their children to be taught to disconnect from their families as a way to push a slave agenda it is those same traumas that stick to us and those same traumas that make us parent from a place of fear rather than comfort because if I that my baby would be so tomorrow or today be killed by a police officer simply for being black or that I just had to afford my child's next meal my priority and parenting would only be to survive not to thrive and I would have to witness their survival and the parents and the caregivers that I worked with I would see family trees with branches of addiction abuse neglect in limited attachment and so I was seeing an influx of behavioral disorders that showed up in children that looks like mania bipolar ADHD and ODB the treatment focus was always and repairing the caregiver and child relationship and really thinking about what we're caregivers holding onto themselves and so I have to begin to ask the people that I work with and myself questions like tell me a little bit about your family tree are there times that you wish that your mother and father has showed up for you and they didn't are you giving your children a childhood that they would have to recover from and those answers were really hard in real-time because I found myself doing things naturally like a body reflex I would get mad and scream and yell at my kids and then on the opposite end I wouldn't give them boundaries at all it was draining I knew that I had to continue the journey of self healing and when I did and when I was done this is what it looks like in real time it meant me giving quality time with my children versus quantities of time it meant me and dodging in their framework of learning which was play and giving them positive attention it meant me apologizing for mismanaging my temper there is nothing more humbling then doing something wrong to your child sitting with that guilt coming back to them and saying I'm sorry it forced me to stop using a belt and to use disciplinary strategies that were based upon teaching and modeling the behavior that I want it to see I adjusted my expectations to meet where they were developmentally and most importantly I let them be little with the understanding that they are still growing and learning and I am too and guess what it's working not perfectly because there are times that I still take my timeouts and I still have to tag-team my husband and sometimes I simply lose my but I always keep a mental health framework in mind I begin at the same time to go online and showcase my wisdom through pictures I begin to mix a little bit of that with my education my background and knowledge and it's there where I branded my motherhood magic a place where parents could go to challenge the ideas that they heard from their ancestors and if they were of benefit people were willing to keep them but if they learn something new they were willing to let it go at the same time I transition into a school setting and I began to educate teachers or meeting the social and emotional needs of children in the classroom and that we build a child's academic success by meeting their most basic needs especially ones rooted in relationship building and so for me my awakening has came from reap Aron ting going back to the place in which I was wronged as a child and telling her I'm sorry that happens you I want my daughters to know that the best gift that I can give them is the gift of mending myself I am no good to anyone if I am no good to myself when I think about the values that I want to leave my children they are those of self-love I want my girls to know that they can't pour from an empty cup and so I want for you guys to challenge your show itself to show up stronger as individuals and something I'd like to teach people around me and adults around me because I think at some point we're all responsible for touching the lives of a child even if you're not appearing yourself so think of it like this when you get on the airplane in case there's an emergency before you place the oxygen mask on your child you place it on yourself first you are no good to anyone if you can't do the work for yourself because you have to show up better as an individual individually you will be able to show up stronger in your family your family will be able to build stronger communities and the communities will be able to build the resiliency of an entire culture starting with our youngest people there's an antidote to the curse and it starts with you hello my name is Brandi Wells and I'm an independently licensed social worker and conscious mother of three I live in King Lincoln district with my husband and three daughters where my mother and her siblings were raised by my grandmother and grandfather I am filled with so much gratitude tonight and I hope that you hear my purpose in life and it's worth sharing thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 24,699

Rating: 4.9463086 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Health, Childhood, Children, Mental health, Parenting

Id: YXbg6e-A9V4

Length: 15min 49sec (949 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 09 2019