Therapists are like Strippers | Paige Weldon | Stand Up Comedy

okay I'm Paige a fun fact about me before I did comedy one of my first jobs actually was I used to work at a public library some nerds can we have them removed or the rest of you exactly right don't react that's the thing whenever I tell people I used to work at a library nobody's ever how can I put this surprised by that um nobody's ever shaken to their core like you did what they accept it pretty fast and I've thought about this a lot because it does hurt my feelings and I'm pretty sure the reason people are not surprised I worked at a library is the simple fact that I wear glasses and I just want to let you guys in on a little secret not everybody knows this you can actually wear glasses and also be a dumbass getting away with it for years like straight up I'm not a big reader I know I'm giving you a lot to process and I think the reason I'm not a big reader is I figured out over time I don't have to read people just assume that I do if they go you wear glasses kind of quiet you must be a voracious reader nope I just can't see and I don't like anyone but I also think people get confused for some reason they think if you worked at a library that means you love books what fantasy world do we live in where that's how jobs work that would be so nice like do you think everyone who ever worked at a HomeTown Buffet did it because they love food poisoning no it's not about passion it's who's hiring okay another thing about me I'm an only child even worse than Library I don't mind it I do not mind being an only child the only time I don't like it is whenever I have to tell someone for the first time that I am an only child there are not a lot of good reactions as we just proved like at best you get oh yeah so am I and then you talk about something else that's best case but a lot of the time people got more to say they got more to say like sometimes I'll say I'm an only child and the reaction will be oh yeah okay I see that very hurtful people with siblings love to make fun of you for being an only child and it's like man I literally just told you I never developed the coping mechanisms to deal with teasing maybe don't go this route the other one I've gotten a few times in my life that's sort of like a pseudo compliment people go oh really you don't seem like an only child you think I don't hear the subtext oh really I don't know you're a selfish it's always someone I've known for a while and they sound like horrified like I've been keeping this dark secret like you never told me you don't have any siblings well you never asked so who's self-centered now I don't seem like an only child you kind of do that's interesting what a twist there's just this belief that growing up an only child turns you into this strange adult and I really don't believe in that like I think at least in my case it was the reverse you know like I think what happened is I was born my parents waited an appropriate amount of time to make an assessment they were like she seems weird let's stop [Laughter] much more of a quit while you're ahead situation one thing that I think did affect me from being an only child is I still like doing things alone uh like one of my favorite things to do in the world is go out to dinner alone I love it if you want to get the fastest service you have ever gotten you go into a sit-down restaurant you say table for one please they're like we gotta get her out of here fill that table with two people she is bumming everyone out at this Red Robin as it turns out all the bottomless fries in the world they just don't fill that other chair you know it's not a good look you have to be careful though if you go out by yourself this can happen one time I showed up at a restaurant at the same time as this guy who was also alone yeah so the staff of the restaurant decided that the two of us should fall in love they sat us next to each other they'd come over and ask us questions together you know did you two want the appetizers I was like can he afford appetizers no that I'm so sorry I'm going back to my book just kidding my phone you guys remember yeah that's actually true I've noticed something about myself when I do read I do not like to do it in public and I think it's because I don't like giving people the satisfaction you know I don't need someone walking by like of course she is I guess at this point I should try to reassure you guys I am in therapy court ordered and no I'm kidding I'm Ill and I know it so I've asked for help a therapist over the years because it can be hard to find one that you really like you know that's a good fit like sometimes you do have one where it's just a bad fit like I had one therapist I stopped seeing because she told me that if I was gonna see her I needed to keep a journal I don't know if you guys have ever journaled it sucks it's so boring every time I would write in my journal I would think why am I telling me this story I was there who are we recapping for what is this so I can read it later and go oh yeah I am depressed great it's good to have some physical evidence sometimes it's a bad match and then sometimes you have a therapist where you're like should I like report you to someone or I don't know if you should be out here taking on new clients I had one therapist she was so terrible I ended things with her over email uh but I what I wanted to do my fantasy I chickened out is I wanted to end things with her by telling her during a session that she's a bad therapist wouldn't that be fun right because then legally she couldn't tell anyone I said that you know she just have to hold that right here later that day her husband would be like what's going on babe you seem like you're in kind of a bad mood she'd have to be like I can't say she did not have a husband uh people do talk about that that it would suck to be like dating or married to a therapist because they'd always be analyzing you but I do think those people are ignoring this key benefit right which is that if you're dating a therapist they come home from work you get to be like honey I would love to hear about your day I wish I could my hands are tied legally I cannot you know I don't want to get you in trouble we should just watch TV and go to bed right yeah I do have a therapist now that I love though which is really exciting and I was asking myself recently I was like what's different this time why do I like her more than I've liked my past therapists and I was like oh I think it's because I believe that she really cares about me yeah and then I heard myself think that I was like oh no is thinking your therapist cares about you the same as thinking the stripper likes you oh no I think it is sending this woman this woman 31 dollar bills every week just to feel human connection which is fine but I'm like maybe we should address it you know maybe I should start Doling out those dollars at appropriate times during the session right oh my God you're so right I'm gonna have to make it rain on that one for sure you know I swear to God this is our relationship like sometimes this woman she champagne rooms me she really does she invites me into the back this is how she'll do it she'll tell me hey I know you're having a really tough week please feel free to reach out if you need another session pretty hot worst part is I have on occasion reached out and it's at least a little bit because I've convinced myself that I'm the only one she offers that to right like we're in love I should probably go back there pay for at least one more dance she's earned it all right I'm Paige have a good night [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 298,776

Keywords: stand up comedy, stand up, dont tell comedy, standup comedy, stand up comedian, don't tell comedy, best stand up, comedy specials, best stand up comedy, jokes, funny comedy specials, best comedy specials, comedy videos, stand up comedy full, best stand up comedy 2022, julio diaz comedy, best comedy 2023, new comedians, paige weldon, paige weldon stand up, paige weldon comedian

Id: er3ZMBhnoJE

Length: 9min 46sec (586 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 12 2023