Do Video Games Cause Violence? | Mark Smalls | Full Stand Up Set

i don't want to on outdoor comedy it's better than zoom comedy i don't know if you ever yeah well i had to do it and it's hard to look like a comedian over zoom it's hard to look like a comedian over webcam i don't look like a comedian over webcam i look like i'm about to show you my dick on chat roulette i'm excited to be back doing comedy man i was i was locked up for a while man i and i during the lockup like no one tells you i just moved in with my girlfriend and no one told me anything you know no no one tells you when you move in with someone they're always there i didn't know till i closed that door i was like oh you're here all right i didn't know certain things about i didn't know you had to make the bed every day day one my girlfriend's like you gonna make the bed i was like are we in the army sergeant is breakfast still at 800 hours i didn't know how important paper towels were in the relationship oh you want to end the relationship don't have paper towels it's over dude my girlfriend she's got cleaning superpowers i spilled a glass of water silently in the other room didn't make a sound and she was just like do you need a paper towel i was like can you smell wet by the way we don't have any i didn't know i didn't know she got mad at me for playing video games too um and i always thought it was because she hated video games turns out it's the way i play the video games she had never seen a man more dedicated and focused in his entire life take me on a date i'm a dog at the beach hand me a xbox controller i am bobby fisher in front of a chessboard [Music] i didn't know i and i thought it was because she thought like maybe they caused violence do you guys think that's true i didn't think it was true till till the pandemic right like i didn't because i was like how do video games cause violence i've been playing madden which is a football video game for 20 years right never once have i wanted to play football i had never been playing madden for eight hours and been like man i'm ready to take some snaps how does that cause violence if it don't even cause sports all right [Laughter] then i started playing that game fortnite started getting cyber bullied by little nine-year-olds or something you sound old what are you like 20 i'm 34 little you still live with your parents i'll shoot up your school kid i was like oh my god [Music] i'm uh i'm pumped to see the masked mandate come back too because i just bought my first cloth mask and boy does it feel good judging people you know it feels so good like i it's i it's the only time i get political like i as soon as i got that clog mask i would just see someone with a surgical mask on i'd be like you're poor like boy are you a nurse stop stealing valor then i see someone with a mask on driving in their car and i'd be like oh what the dude it's a pandemic i moved from san francisco and uh i had to get out of there because it was expensive man down here is a little cheaper i don't know up there man i paid three thousand dollars a month to to live there and that was just in parking tickets and it was always street cleaning can someone tell me how that's how i'm paying 80. well mark just wake up and move your car have you ever tried to wake up that early it's not possible you're in a dream state bro and how the hell do i gotta wake up at the year 2022 i got to wake up is it 2021 anybody else get too high before my scent [Applause] i gotta wake up to move my car so you could clean the streets you mean to tell me you can't invent a brush that goes under my vehicle i know that technology exists i've been reading sharper image catalogs for 30 years do i gotta go on shark tank call the shamwow guy and be like we got an idea eighty dollars to clean the streets right that's what eighty dollars so much money and yet i'm stepping over people that look like me okay that's the truth that's the truth why don't we spend that fine money on the homeless you know homeless problems why don't we spend that fine money on the homeless that's what i thought and then someone come up to me and and they were like hey actually do you know that california spends the most money on homeless people in the nation it's true and i heard that and i was like well we should probably stop buying them [Laughter] i'm not a business guy but i think the market is flooded yo i think it's a bubble it's gonna pop and we gotta start selling these i'm talking buy crypto and buy cardone sell homeless and that's why i look like this you gotta look like this you have to you look like this they don't talk to you you you blend in i walk by one he's like what's up i go hey guys wanna buy a pool table i was like i was like what i was like does it look like i can afford a pool table we're wearing the same outfit he was like it's just 200 i was like hell yeah he was like cool man just needs new felt and new bumpers are you selling me a table right [Applause] now a table with six drink holders what the yeah man living with the with living with the with the partner during the pandemic gets weird you know at one point she was like we started doing the couples therapy thing and and and we're still doing it now but like it's a weird thing because when she first was like i think we should go to couples therapy and i was like i think we need to get a divorce she was like we're not married and i was like why the are we going to couples therapy i was uh but then i don't know if any of you guys have been to college therapy but if you've ever won an argument in front of an audience yo that's just invigorating though first session out therapist mark you know what you have a point and i was like let's go let's go ever catch a dub in therapy damn it feels good i was getting asmr talking i was like damn and we're trying to be like more open in the relationship right that's that's the best part right we went to good vibrations for the first time together this is a sex toy shop i'm looking at guy's face anytime i mention sex toys in front of guys they're all they always get like [Laughter] what i can't get the job done no am i right they can't you can i get it i i i related like this like i play a lot of video games right sometimes the video games are hard to beat um so i go online and i get the chicos game's still fun to play you know still a very fun game i took my girl yeah so we went there and uh and some guys will be like oh i'm just trying to spice it up that's what that's code word oh i'm just trying to spice up and that's just code for or you can't make her come either huh and that's where we went we went to go spice it up you know we went to the sex story shop some i was gonna buy something for me she was gonna buy you know i was gonna we're gonna buy something for her and turns out there's not a lot for me guys we don't have a lot of sex toys to choose from and i realized that when we went shopping together because we walk in and it's just just all the is for women y'all different you all got the rabbit it's cool name that's inviting yo it's the rat's got a little duck feed on it and it looked like i don't know if you've ever seen the movie the matrix but there's a scene in that movie where the room gets white and it's just like an aisles of guns and it's like pick your weapon what that's what it is for women every toy has different colorways like air jordans and oh y'all got the magenta throwback rabbit from 96. that's limited edition she's having a ball i'm getting excited i'm like hell yeah well now me you know i go up to the guy that's helping us i was like yo what about for me and he goes do you like things up your butt [Laughter] i was like hey dog she's right i was like no he goes we don't gotta out for you and then he leads me to the back of the room there's like cobwebs there and and like and and he goes yeah here you go and he tosses me the fleshlight which guys don't get silent on me because i know you know what the i'm talking about because it's our only sex toy and it's ridiculous it's disrespectful dude a flashlight that i'm supposed to have sex with i don't want to have sex with a flashlight i want to have sex with the rabbit you know but why because we're guys and we're tough we don't get to a toy we gotta a tool you know it's like has anybody got a crescent wrench that i could have sex with can i just lay under a car you splash oil on my face is that cool so we bring it we ring it up i i pay for them both and she brings it out i i i buy that i buy something for my girlfriend called the womanizer and this is a little device you know you know about it you don't know he doesn't know that you have it god i bring it up it's 250 dollars yeah fleshlight 1999 matt black you know womanizer 250 that's how much i pay for my honda civic every monday so i'm looking at this thing i'm like yo is this jd power award winning this thing come with a warranty what kind of kind of specs on this thing we take it home for a test drive and uh listen man bust that out buy the womanizer bro yo buy the womanizer because my girlfriend started making faces that i had never seen before i'm talking i had never unlocked these levels i'm talking level eight level nine i was like where are we she started doing this thing you ever seen that face you ever seen that face by the it looked like she was going back through time i was like there's a portal opening up right now so i'm like this is going good yo in the middle of it she tries to tag me and she was like all right babe your turn i was like what the coach i didn't i didn't know me and this thing were tag team champions and i'm supposed to fly over the ropes finish you off after the robot that was built to finish you off i thought i'm playing on easy all of a sudden i'm on all madden playing jeopardy against watson what the i wasn't built to finish you off i was built to disappoint you that's why i bought the goddamn thing that's why i paid 250 dollars i'm taking the night off and i grabbed my pillow grabbed my fleshlight i got the out of that guys thank you very much man i'm mark smalls have a great night

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 940,121

Keywords: mark smalls, stand up comedy, dont tell comedy, video games comedy, dont tell comedy secret sets, mark smalls comedy, don't tell comedy, best stand up, stand-up comedy, new stand up comedy, best stand up comedy, latest stand up comedy, stand up, comedy, comedy videos, funny jokes, comedians, funny, standup comedy, secret comedy shows, comedian, mark smalls stand up, mark smalls comedian, standup, secret comedy show, secret comedy, stand up comedian, stand up youtube

Id: wiSZm2I1h8g

Length: 14min 18sec (858 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 24 2022