BOBBY LEE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP#129

i'm wearing headphones just for you bobby i have a bone to pick with you oh jesus christ what's fucking new what do you mean what so can i just pick a bone maybe sure they pick a bone so the other day i was at the conversation i know you have 500 podcasts but podcasts can start with some kind of formal intro like it's bobby lee is here you guys you know him from harold and kumar but you know sometimes movies you know they do the the opening credits like maybe 20 minutes in like 8 24 we'll do that or whatever that's to be that okay that's not 20 minutes let's not be a studio film let's be artsy about it okay okay cool yeah what do you think what do you guys think yeah this is definitely art go ahead we'll go start you know what no no please so um i was at the store i was talking to my friend the comedy store what story the comedy store jeff harris i'm in the park and and we're um i'm talking with the young comic from new york and you walk by and i'm like i want to impress you know i mean this young comic from new york that i know whitney cummings sure so i turn on i go what's up and you just keep fucking walking sure to the back sure where that wall is right you don't see hello nothing right so now i'm blushing right so when asians blush we turn purple we don't go pink and so um i'm blushing and then finally you kind of go let's out you're like you know i mean you can't come up and then by the way didn't this girl also have a wine stand on her face that's right that's what you can't say but that's the bone i want to pick with you is i was watching you meet her and you stared too much at her mole or a birthmark okay you like i when you meet someone like that you were like literally coming on this podcast telling me i looked at someone's weinstein that's the only reason why i'm on here i think it's rude so it wasn't that i ignored you yeah when you see a guy with no hand maybe if you had a wine stain on your face i would actually pay attention to you maybe you should get one yeah is it like a mark like here's what i'll say i i mean i'm sure we have to cut this out why oh we're not i think for me hilarious she's hilarious yeah and i'm sure she acknowledges it in her set yeah as someone whose face is ever evolving and who every time i go to the comics where people look at my face like what's happening here now i'm fine with staring at people's faces mine gets stared out a lot it gets googled a lot yeah uh but i there is this thing now where women like contour their makeup very hard and so i think i it was like at night and i was just trying to understand what i was looking at but the fact that you clocked me clocking it says so much more i was just trying to orient my face says so much about me well you you okay this is what happened you were staring at her wine staying too long and you felt shame for it i walked up i didn't know this person i met her for the first time and i was like wine stain got it uh harvey weinstein should be calling that and then you now have been you were watching me hoping i would fuck up and you did she probably looked at my face way longer than i looked at her trying to figure out what she was dealing with okay well that being said i apologize i apologize do you see the way you told that story it was going in the direction of whitney was gonna ignore me and was being shitty and rude and i was trying to impress this comic yeah okay and now we ended up just hurting her feelings by doing this podcast about no no first of all i don't think we're hurting her feelings because she is funny yeah she has a skill set yeah and um she's beautiful as well beautiful face beautiful everything and um i don't know why are you doing this by the way can we talk about the the wine state of a tattoo that's still on your arm that hasn't been finished yet okay that's rude i've said that i've stared at a really long time because i think it's ugly all right but this right here is a reminder it looks like the nbc logo well i was getting this done when i was on an nbc show and then they canceled it so i didn't finish it is that really not the truth if you were gonna be on an nbc show you should have noticed me soon thereafter i have another one my back is a cb and that's it [Laughter] so um i i've i i i've been seeing a psychiatrist for the first time by the way this is can i just tell you oh i might get too hard someone that is a professional comedian podcaster that just shows up like the way you do is such a dream why because i don't have to do anything oh i'm sorry in a good way like do you see how he just come he's like that story he's right he's like this like like it's just a dream i've had guests online a couple i want to name names but um good comics great comics sure and you go what's going on good and that's it and that's the worst guess you can have it's just it's like pulling teeth and then and then when someone comes on and doesn't say a lot or doesn't have like a game plan or whatever and then you end up having to pick up the slack and everyone's like why do you talk so much why didn't you let the guests speak yeah yeah yeah so the psychiatrist you're going to is this a new one because the old one should be no i have released no i have a great therapist okay she's great but i've never seen a psychiatrist how long have you been with the therapist for years okay she's the best and um why because the relapse i'm joking it's like you know when people that have made no progress keep telling you about their therapist and you're like i feel like yeah yeah like i feel like other people should be able to weigh in on if your therapist is good or not to see it not just you yeah i mean i know a lot of people that go yeah i'm working on myself but they don't really hate that because a lot of people like the therapist because their therapist allows them to just come in and complain and re-embed their own trauma and that's why they like them because the therapists that don't call them out on their shit no i prefer i always have aa sponsors and therapists that are harsh on me because i can't like for instance the last rehab i went to which is a couple of weeks ago they every time i would exaggerate or i no and i would tell a joke they would go stop we're not doing that right that's huge and they know that that's my way of deflecting that's my ml minimizing self-replicating yeah and if i say you know i'm a fat ugly guy they're like no you're actually um an attractive person you know i mean like so and then i go gotcha sexual harassment call hr fuck that we were suing this whole fucking rehab so um yeah i usually have harsh people because i i don't listen to anything out anyone else that's that's what i need in our relationship i feel like is very poignant oddly and deep because we're able to give each other really harsh feedback and we don't um it doesn't make it doesn't push us away from each other it makes well that's what i love about you and hate no i i strictly only love because the thing is is you're the only one that um and you and marin marin will do the same thing like stop that like if i'm like if i'm doing something where it's like um i'm either deflecting or i'm you know the thing that i do when i have a good set and then you go good set and i go that wasn't a good sign you and so you're calling me a liar no you and mark are you and mark are always like stop that because but you know that we're not doing it from a place of dismissing we're doing it for a place of like oh you can break that pattern or that habit so basically you and i i feel like our we went from like friends to like siblings when i was first able to go like stop doing that thing before you would go on stage i really appreciate it yeah that's all i wanted it's just like when someone calls us out on our shit the emotional version of you have food in your teeth yeah of the like i know you i love you i do the same thing you're doing but you don't need to emotionally cut yourself around me yeah when someone's able to do that in a way that isn't like trying to embarrass you in front of people or doesn't do it publicly it's more of just like a one-on-one thing yeah but it's also you you know when you you and i know you when you rise in the business and stuff people treat you a little differently at clubs and stuff and then also the new friends that you get it's based on a different what they perceive who you are or whatever and it's like not really that real right right but every once in a while you'll meet somebody like yourself and i mean i would have to say that you're bigger than i am you just didn't you feel like you're trying to be fat but anyway my point is is that um thank you but i i'm seeing this psychiatrist and um she said i think you have h well many psycho because when you go to these um treatment centers they have psychiatrists too i just got a second opinion and they were and she was basically you have adhd okay do you have the touchy thingy or no where you have to touch things three times so so this is this is i'm so glad you're here um we what are you doing i'm listening oh but why are you leaning that way we framed your camera perfectly and you've so far sat on the back and you've leaned out there's no way you can get my light we have rigged this in a way you've worked with a lot of malignant narcissists as soon as i started doing my coverage you like leaned away yeah um no but i just to just give everybody contacts like you know i know you talk about this like publicly like you've been going through a lot we both have been going through like i just say one last thing real quick imagine me tv cameras in the fucking this is like high tech that's for teleprompters go ahead so what do you guys read your ads off what a sticky note iphone yeah insane insane good but by the way the the quality of ad of the fact that blue chew or manscaped or any of these people pay you guys reading off your barely reading it out off your phone is it is the it is shocking to me as a minority i expect more from you you have single-handedly destroyed the model minority stereotype can i ask you a random question about your vagina uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah please because i don't ever want to see it i know not that it's grizzly or a monstrous monstrosity but i'm just saying that i'm sure it's normal and very christian looking slightly cumbersome yeah yeah but um you know it's funny because i view you only as a friend sure there's no sexual nothing this is your this is the meanest thing you've ever said why are you trying to hurt me i'm not trying to hurt you i'm sure it's beautiful okay i'm sure is any vagina beautiful or is there anything you said jazz hands i don't think jazz hands you know i mean when they're like hey i'm here i don't like that you know i mean i like it when it's tucked you know what i mean and that's just my own problem not tucked but like a little flower a little flower's fine okay what kind of flower are we talking a peony we talking an impatient are we talking about because of the ukraine thing sunflower the sunflower is more like a like a like a honeysuckle or like a morning glory yeah yours is more like those traps what do you call those venus a guacamole trap for some reason i don't know why because they're like those big green things yes okay so is it is it sexual harassment or is it weird if i asked like a friend who's just a girl because i've seen all my guy friends as penis as a comic you know what i mean where wouldn't we everywhere yeah yeah oh the pittsburgh can probably be everywhere i mean everywhere on a roller coaster you know i mean it doesn't yeah it's improv yes it is yeah yeah yeah so um but it's like i have female friends that i don't have any sexual desires or anything as this is a friend i would just love to see their genitals that's all sure sure but it's because of the climate and stuff you can't ask i've never asked and it's weird right because of the client because it's the climate it's hot and stuffy down there it's too hot for me to show you my pussy the climate right now is just it's too hot outside um i feel like i've shown you you've seen my boobs i feel like you have yeah yeah pretty good not the new ones you have new ones no i don't think i've seen i don't think i've dicks are easier to whip out and put back in the vaginas like by the time you show it to someone as a joke you've like caught a disease right it's an open wound like you can't they they're dick like that's my whole thing when i was like he just like pulled his dick out it's like it's a very easy thing to do to pull your dick out yeah but i'm not asking to see the lips i'm just asking to see just the entry part you know how you see like a beautiful house you'd love to see what's inside but it's like something you just drive by you want to do like a drive-by and just see the shutters that's right you just want to okay but i want to see what style it is to how close you can be to a platonic friend of the opposite sex if you haven't seen their genitals yeah it is it is wild because it's like if i don't know what you're working with it is hard to advise you on many things so like for example i remember a girlfriend of mine who uh um like you know i'm just gonna say her name fuck it stephanie zimbari uh we were like were girlfriends she opened for me on the road for a while a good friend and we're like touring together and she's like having all these like guy problems and this and this and then one time we were in soul cycle and i saw her completely naked and i was like wait had i known this was your body i would have given you different advice this whole time what do you mean like do not text him back you are totally i just hadn't seen her like fully make it and it's like she just has the most incredible body like most incredible like tits like incred like she had this like like pubes everywhere i was like bitch you like she had pubes everywhere i was like you know i just mean like when i saw her naked i was like you don't need to play any games with any guy they should be i just hadn't seen what she was working with right and i know that sounds insane it was emily the first time i saw emily i've known her for eight years and then i all of a sudden we discovered that she's got giant like big pendulous naturals we discovered we all discovered we discovered at the same time i would have dealt with you completely differently these past eight years knowing that you had these like honkers i was like you're a bully now like i used to feel like like you were allowed to have low self-esteem but now that i've seen your tits like how dare you you know like so it's like it's stuff like that i if i it's like when you find out when your guy friends has like a giant dick you're like i i like it just changed it changes the way you advise them you view them i was okay with paulie shore until i saw his penis you see a vagina dick it's not just giant it it does this is it the size of a weasel it it you know it's like a you know how you go to magic mountain there's that one ride you're like nope you know it's like that nope yep and it's so veiny by the way can you put i want to do a master class with comedians where they think they're making sense but it's just more confusing so like you're trying to you're like you know how like when you go on a roller coaster it's like no let me explain bitter about paulie's dick then okay all right so let's see this is the dick joining explain who polly sure is first for the listeners if you love son-in-law i like that one um biodome not so much but anyway so this is a penis right no no no no all right so um let me just draw it okay okay so um isn't it weird that we know each other really well but i've never seen your handwriting yeah so um okay that is a penis oh okay by the way you can tell that bobby's uh uh podcasts tiger belly and bad friends are very highly viewed on youtube because he only mimes he doesn't there's no audio experience i try to fucking do it with a hand man that's not an audio experience you have to explain what about just someone just listening okay sorry our our demo is not only youtube trolls like yours all right so anyway um i don't know how to explain this but this is a standard you have the palest fan base of anyone i know every time someone comes up to me looking like they have scurvy after one of my shows i'm like that's a tiger belly fan okay okay all right that's rude that's work nights okay so here so that's a regular penis that's not a regular piece wait yeah so this is it that's my actual size i just drew a photo of a penis and this and he fully goes to the world thinking this is the shape of a penis i don't know how to help you standing on the ball yeah the ball okay this is an erect penis to be clear and why did you add wrinkles like why does it have crow's feet okay now you're drawing what is that i can i can draw a picture of my vagina if you want me to okay and i can drop your shirt what penises i don't know i don't know okay paulie's dick is a siamese twins why does it is it's a it's twisted okay okay like a ride why is it a centos i have no idea i never asked him why did it go to some wars is there a purple heart i didn't ask him that so because it's just been through a lot so you're not saying it's big you're saying it's been it's it's um sinewy it's also it's not okay it is very thick and very long and very big okay very thick very long it's like an average black man's dick i think copy that but why is it all twisted up i think it's all the wars but can i say about the veins okay every vein that's in the penis is you can see what did you go to because i'd like to i'd like to write a yelp from you i think i think we need to go back did we do 20 did we through 30 days i think we went wonder okay so this is paulie's dick is he cool with you talking about this yeah and how what what context have you seen his dick in many contacts okay have you seen it hard no that's the scary part see that's the thing about all you guys you've seen each other's dick but not hard but then that's a different relationship you know i mean if my friend you want to see my dick and it's hard it just changes the relationship right there it's like dude don't call me for a couple years can i ask you about something what is up with guys that like to have threesomes that are friends i've done that i know have you nope oh it's the if you it's the what oh god i'm getting emotional i'm literally i know a lot of guys that are friends and they'll have threesomes with girls together and i just don't see how that's not awkward if i saw someone having sex with emily i would kill myself okay and her too you're so everyone would die your mind is closed friend my mind is and your heart is closed copy that yeah in every aspect i hope it is true that's something i've worked very hard at you have to once in your life have sex with three comedians with one of my friends you have to do it with ugly people like me guys ugly guys the women is beautiful okay so so then so anyone anyone that's talking about some of you they already know that that you think they're ugly no no but then the guy has to be ugly but why would you want to fuck isn't the whole point of a threesome is that everyone's hot and you want to fuck everyone there when you're a canadian right the options are like small right there's because by the way do you think this is small the whole thing is just me it's not something guy comics i would that are good looking are not a lot jezelnik right you got jeff dye uh-huh cutie jeff dye is cutie okay right there's that one guy from canada that i love guys talk about other guys that are hot it's like my i love watching football games with guys solely because they'll be like he's handsome he's good looking guy yeah like i love hearing this yeah i love to admit it too but um but this is fascinating because i think that any guy who is like funny and confident and on stage i can fall in love with and i think that's handsome the number one thing every woman says about what they want in a man is sense of humor that's so not true it it that you're gonna make me angry you know the worst thing was even as a young comic when i lived in la jolla okay right i have how do you think you got kalila because she has that jawline those cheekbones yeah yeah fuck you women do like a sense of humor okay fine some women some fucking women all right but i'm just saying i as a young guy i was always funny funnier than everyone else right and i would have girl you mean before you got into comedy yeah but yeah comparatively to other the best comics in the world i'm okay but anyway you are no fuckhead you know that i think you're one of those people i can follow anyone on planet earth and that's all i know if you put your hand in my camera one more time yeah sorry i apologize your show all right so what i i had up to my train of thought and you oh so oh yeah you're running a train no no in a threesome so no but i'm gonna i'm gonna get to that in a second but um this is like a myth conversation when you when you're on math i've never done math oh well i've done adderall yeah i know but real math like i've when you're with two guys and you're doing math you write down what you want to talk about so you don't forget that's what i do all the time just i don't know normally i was i was because i finished my fucking thing in my early 20s right i was always good there was this girl i can't name her name right and she was and i had a crush on her and i made a move she goes i just want to be friends just say it it's fine we're we can speak freely here you just talked about where you were so three months later she meets another guy she's like i can't wait to meet you meet my friend my new boyfriend ralph and i go yeah she's like he's hilarious like you and then you meet the guy and he's so not funny he's like yeah and women are always i've had 20 experiences like that right where someone says this guy's exactly like you his personality or they're just funny or you're going to get along they're super funny and then you go no no not funny at all in any way the girls version of that is oh my god my friend looks exactly like you and you're like oh here we go this is going to hurt my feelings and they show you a picture of just like an actual sweet potato yeah so let's go let's go to the threesome with three sorry i was drawing my vagina it says i'm i need to does not look like that that does not look like my vagina there's no you're right you're right yeah yeah yeah that is not yeah that looks like an uh or a pegalone yeah it's more like this anyway um so when you're having hooking up with three comics in a room threesomes like there's you will laugh harder than you've ever learned in your life but i don't but that's not sex isn't funny to me it's embarrassing and the idea of a commit being naked around other comedians like when you're supposed to be like feel like as a woman having sex i just feel like it's too vulnerable i don't want to be vulnerable around comedians you know this is my whole thing about how i don't think i'll ever be able to get married because how am i going to say like sincere vows in front of comedians i'm i won't yeah i literally i've been engaged i think my engagement was broken off because i started thinking about the vows i was just like how am i going to sincerely talk of like open my heart to somebody and cry in front of comedians but having sex with somebody oh because that happens three other people are different it's like you know nfl players they still go home and play madden why madam madden madden john madden it's a video game about a language barrier bobby yeah i don't know how to say maddox but i would rather play madame quite frankly madden so you as you can you know sex is different you know masturbation is different than having sex with a loved one having sex with a bunch of comics is different than having sex with a loved one it's different you go into it with a different mentality you don't go i'm going to come you go i'm going to laugh my ass off but that's not for sex that's that's you go is that because you we've been robbed of the ability to enjoy comedy because we're comics that you have to go to sex for your humor yeah but dude i'm not a i don't think sex i don't believe in sex being funny like when i go to porn now and i see all these like funny sketches where someone is roller skating they trip and fall on a dick and it's like oh like yeah i love lucy of porn i don't think i i don't get that yeah but sex is serious to me but imagine you know let's say you me let's give you a third comment brian scalaro because if you laugh at what here's here's what it is if you laugh at a woman during sex i'm not sexy or pre like i have walked out before in like lingerie like the first time i was able to have money and i'm like with a guy and i buy lingerie and i put it on and i i gotta get it wrong or whatever and it's just like i look like i'm like david carradine hanging myself with a fishnet or whatever and the guy was dating laughs yeah and that was like the most humiliating it left like such a mark the idea of a woman trying to be sexy and someone laughing yeah is too traumatic okay but imagine this your language when you had threesomes with a guy a comedian and a girl did she like that you were just laughing at her pussy yeah because she was laughing at my dick first but like why would you want to have sex because listen i pulled my penis out and she burst you popped it out yeah i popped it up but she burst into like holding her side going on the ground and just convulsing laughing which made me and the other which means the movies had not kicked yet and you needed to yeah but i started laughing so hard and my the other guy comic laughed so hard it's we spent laughing for 45 minutes and i think it's still out then you have in coitus and then we had intercourse later it was great you have to try it but no because we're 50. i guess i'm realizing that sex for me is more of a means to an end it's not like a joyful like let's have fun it's like uh i i don't i can't look you in the eye and apologize for that thing i did wrong so i guess something you know it's like it's more of a healing uh like chore than it is like a recreational hobby well this was 20 years ago and i don't do that because to me sex i feel like has so many yeah yeah there's no if so i love laughing during sex like what um uh like an ex of mine the one of the hardest times i've ever laughed is when i told him like i want you one time during sex to call me a pig and see if we can get through without laughing like don't tell me when you're gonna do it four months later we're in hong kong and had had some like weird brandy and he was like take it you fucking pig and i we laughed for like three days yeah yeah it was in the fight that's what i'm talking about that's hilarious that's what i'm talking about but it can't be lols from the jump i'd be embarrassed okay i'm too scared to reach his own i'm too sensitive okay i get insecure yeah but you know what because i you know i've gone to deep therapy and i'm deep therapy can i tell you what happened to me in the last couple of months sure did you know i will respond to your texts any minute yeah do i know what happened to the last couple months yeah but the last month did you know like but like i'm a little over a month ago did you know what happened i feel i i i i almost i felt like i was gonna die i um i started cop you're such a fucking asshole i'm sorry we now take a break you're good at that that was good why are you just deep throating on an imaginary dig over there oh cause it has to be imaginary once again that's good once again not a burn once again thank you mom i hate that for the self-esteem speaking of thanks mom this spot podcast is sponsored by better help if it's not one thing it's your mother or your whitney better help assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist you can start communicating in under 48 hours it's not a crisis line it's not a self-help line it's professional therapy done securely online if you're in a crisis don't call better help they don't that's not that's not what they do we'll put whitney's cell phone number on the bottom of the screen yeah yeah call call me for those matters call you should give you a bigger graces i'll show you guys that's a good crisis i'm in a crisis i'll show you chrysler well you think that ukraine and russia okay good point it's i just give you perspective and convince you that your crisis isn't that big of a deal that's genius you'll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions so you won't ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room as with traditional therapy i have to say i the more that we talk about better help on this podcast people come up to me and say that it's changed their life better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change therapists if needed it's more affordable than traditional offline therapy and financial aid is available betterhelp wants you to start living a happier life today special offer for good for you listeners get ten percent off your first month at betterhelp.com you better help yourself to better help because look i would like to call betterhelp uh i don't know does this count as something that i should call about i'm dating a man that is nine years my junior is that how you say it okay nine years younger than me and i had a scab uh i have a i have a scab on the side of my arm and i go i was like does this look bad he goes oh is that a liver spot that's called you should both be single now that's called emotional abuse that's called amusement i'm so shocked he said that he was joking i'm so disappointed but i can't stop thinking about it and then he just texted me i was like how how goes it and he wrote back just trying to get through this old day how was the pod is he attacking you i think maybe i'm gonna have a talk with him doordash now look i know i know what you're thinking this girl if she is nothing if not wife material like if she made a brisket i would gobble up look yes am i incredible at making chicken cordon bleu of course i am that doesn't mean she wants to can i make a banana flan in my sleep but i don't have that kind of time [Music] okay i have stuff to do i have myself to google okay that's why i use door dash okay along with the restaurants you love you can get groceries other essential items you can get drinks snacks and other household items in under one hour craving late night ice cream that was not an innuendo forget that the one key ingredient for your dinner where's the cilantro 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when you download the doordash app in the app store and enter code g f y they'll don't forget that's code g f y for 25 off your first order with door dash the subject to change term supply speaking of meals cooking family events where you go with this easter egg easter's coming up easter's coming up what a drag and easter you know how easter you know how easter goes every year you wait for jesus never comes never comes no this is not an ad for blue chew uh uh yes story of my life once a year waiting for a man to show up and he never does oh jesus we've decided that this easter we're not gonna we're not gonna let y'all just like go to a boozy brunch go home and watch the tinder swindler you know and then dm'ing him asking if he can hang we're not gonna let you make bad decisions this year we are going to be live doing a live podcast april 17th for easter live easter pop live online easter egg come on over we on april 17th are going to be doing a live exclusive online podcast we've never done a live podcast before for a bunch of reasons mostly because anxiety i can't get mostly because panic attacks at night terrors um and a litany of other addictions had to be real we're gonna find a way for me to curl my hair an hour before the show so i can actually be here on time and so that my ocd doesn't completely take over and sabotage my future so we're gonna try to do a live show on easter it's gonna happen you guys can send picture pictures send your dick pics we like feet send photos videos we're going to answer anything you ask but we have to be more specific where are they going to ask it ahead of time or you can ask we're going to take questions in advance and live we're going to have i mean everybody knows what this is that segora does it everyone does this why are we explaining the concept of a live podcast you guys get it i'm just in a panic okay and so go to momenthouse.com good for you it's being put on by moment house you can buy tickets there and you can buy them now april 17th we'll see you live online event we can't wait don't embarrass yourself this weekend she's talking to herself i am gonna be you dressed me today so i'm already consumed with humiliation um come see me live if you want to do my comedy yuck yuck still trying to get love from my dad dad in portland maine at the merrill auditorium on march 18th march 19th i'm in new hampshire colonial theater march 25th i'm going to be in new haven connecticut college street music hall not playing any music about my shrill voices harmonious april 1st oop austin texas paramount theater april 2nd i'm going to be in dallas march 26th i'm going to be in albany whitneycompanies.com i shouldn't have to read all these things to you because i'm dyslexic and you all know that and this is exhausting and i'm going to get lock draw back to our guest um i knew that um can we pitch gravestone ideas for bobby's um so i knew i knew i knew we're going to talk about some really heavy shit yeah yeah and as someone that has been incredibly uh that loves you like a um brother that truly considers you family and someone that's been so worried and scared and loves you i knew we're going to talk about this today but that's why i brought up paulie shore's dick a little evidence you know you know woman with paulie you know that's funny right right i opened with a couple you know so yes and listen we don't have to talk about the whole fucking time and i just want to check in with you i would love to talk about it i just um love you and i'm cutting tension with thank you silly and i'm sorry you almost died we got it all right so can i tell you what happened yes so what happened was i um when bob died i was still i was so i was doing like two thousand three thousand milligrams of edibles a day yeah smoking 24 hours a day and drinking and um by the time he died you would have built up today i built up to that because here's something that i think is just we're just worth talking about you know as people that are both in programs that are both trying to stay emotionally sober like i think that you know as someone that very publicly i think you saw had struggled with edibles over the pandemic uh ruined one of my friends um online zoom memorials because i was so high on edibles that that's the thing that i can't really take currently that is my allergy but you also go in 10 years maybe that'll change it's one day at a time for now the edibles don't work for me and as someone that you know has been you know sober there is this thing where you go like okay for now this doesn't work for me but i maybe in 10 years i'll experiment with smoking weed or yeah and you see people who can or can't or but there is like that period where you're like i've been sober for a while let me just try to see if i could do this like a gentleman now with all this recovery was that how it kind of started yeah but also what i realized through this is i've been told this by many therapists and and psychiatrists because i've been doing two rehabs in the last couple of months they say that when somebody has ptsd or extreme trauma and they do weed it does the adverse effect right so i became manic and i become um i can't eat or sleep so um but i was smoking cigarettes i mean i've been smoking since i was 18. so when bob died i started coughing up chunks of blood in my mucus and it was like dark blood and all the time and i would send it to kalila she's a nurse and stuff and just like am i dying she's like what the fuck you know stop sending me whitney's nudes yeah yeah no she wasn't like is that whitney's you know i mean period blood you know i go that's from my lungs you know and so you know when you're using not sleeping you're not eating and then all of a sudden your friends died and then louis i used to open for louie louie you know you're friends with blue yeah one of the greatest nicest guys in the world and um i just became i started thinking about death a lot and i was like and i convinced myself i was dying because i was coughing up blood and then i could not leave my bed i for weeks i couldn't i canceled everything i cancelled 18 weekends on the road you know i mean i did i i said i'm fucked and let me ask you like what was it because i remember you know being around you when like smoking weed and stuff and it was like oh like this is someone that has worked so hard in program this is someone who like a lot of the emotional wounds you've worked really hard to heal you're in this incredible relationship you have you and i both i think bond strongly over making this business hollywood tv movies whatever it is our higher power and this one too many a million not enough even if we do get a tv show it's like well i it's it's not good and now i'm embarrassed like we live in this constant state of shame and embarrassment and we allow we we cut ourselves with this business we allow it we have the stockholm syndrome with it so we're in this kind of like like uh loop with no matter how much success we get we still it's either not enough or not the right kind or we feel like we're accidentally shaming our peers by being successful if we are successful we're apologetic and embarrassed about it and if we're not we're fucking miserable and feel rejected so i used to do bad auditions and i would go to my car i would take a bottle of water and smash my head over the head until i was smash your head over the head no i had splashed up all over my head until i was bleeding i would punish myself physically for mistakes or when i would you know and that's because when i was a kid i mean i know this is a comedy podcast and people are listening like oh here we go this is no don't worry there we go with the dark stuff but um so you know you know when i was born you know i just was unsafe you know my dad used to beat everyone with golf clubs and chasing every rum knocking my mom's teeth out i mean this is what i witnessed right you got free dental care got it right i'm sorry bobby why did you laugh i'm sorry i know but it was funny i liked it but i know what it's like i feel like fucking which bitch i feel uniquely like when when you're sharing something really emotional as a comedian it's like it's it's hard so tell me if i should stop no no because online also people go i don't want you to feel like you're like i want whitney's podcast so i have to be emotional i'm gonna because i don't give a fuck okay i don't give a fuck right i wish you'd act like that before you go on stage that's not that's the body that i just i no longer give a fuck because i'm gonna tell you what happened you should give up you should give more of a fuck about your hair because that's a bummer what you're doing right now that you can improve okay okay so so i remember this happening and then did you feel like it was as soon as you heard the news about saggit then it was like without the bloody bloody you know i mean mucus you know i mean i i think i would have been able to just ride it a little longer but because you had proof you were like i also couldn't breathe like i couldn't breathe every time you even people would listen to me on podcast like there's something wrong with his breathing like he's breathing and coughing it's weird you know so it's like and it got to the point where i couldn't breathe at all like you know i'm fucking dying so anyway i have by the way i have 35 days no cigarettes no weed no alcohol no porn nothing okay broke your street so anyway um so i i i one kalala wasn't laying next to me and it was like four in the morning and i looked at her and i go i need help i need i'm gonna die and i went to a a rehab uh mill you know what a rehab mill is a puppy it's like a poppy mail button for rehab so now all these you can google it all these rehabs are being bought by corporations yeah right i like purdue the guys that put on oxycontin were like we really should get in the rehab business yeah yeah so they bought you know i mean so it's like instead of like we're gonna treat these people we're gonna get as many people in and as many people out yeah and i went to one of those i i showed up they're like just go in that room i laid next and how did you what was your do you mind if i just get granular about like what did you do obviously you are financially solvent like but like what did you just go ask your therapist for a suggestion because sometimes when people that go to rehab run their own thing it's like you're not well i did i mean like a gross guy i'm a gross guy because i'm like i'm just gonna go to the four seasons for a couple days no i actually asked where the celebrities go yeah i'm gonna go and they go this place and they they named me this guy you know years ago this person this person but what i didn't realize and what no one realized is that place was bought out by a corporation so they got rid of like high end and just say let's just get everyone in right so no one goes there anymore right yeah so i was laying next to a naked 60 year old man going through alcohol withdrawal and our beds were like literally what was this i can't tell you what okay okay okay i don't wanna but like it wasn't in california it was an in-house place and this guy was literally going screaming at the top was like just screaming at the top of his lungs and i'm just going what the fuck and then i see a kid being dragged by his hair he's like i'm gonna fucking guide your eyes with fucking ice picks and like people just wandering around in hospital garbs not knowing to go and i have to be here for fucking 30 days so i i i got out you left yeah and so i went to another place which is it just really quick is it's in and i'm not trying to ask where it was but you know in my experience with this kind of stuff it's like if you're like i'm going to choose a place that's close to home you'll probably will be able to leave if you need to you know so sometimes i was advised the first time i did i was involved in an intervention with somebody who needed to go to rehab they basically were like the first one's gonna be a wash don't don't spend money on the first one because they're gonna leave they're gonna go fuck this shit yeah detoxing is a nightmare yeah that's interesting so just don't spit because then you're just going to get resentful and you're and you're going to waste all this money and the health insurance stuff by going to a rehab that because we have so prohibitively expensive oh my god you know so the first one usually not that that's your first whatever but just like the first one's probably not going to take anyway because they're just going to go i'm going to get the fuck out of here and they can't make you stay unless you've been 51 50 during a conservatorship that's interesting yeah this one's in the middle of a desert though it's hard to leave sure so you were burning differently i was just burning man what you're describing it was coachella same general live yeah um so you were just like fuck this not doing this well they wouldn't let me leave and i had to call my lawyer sure they wouldn't let me leave but so try to stay there for four days and they had to they so you sh you know i was on weed and alcohol right because you were detoxing which is sometimes a separate from but three times a day you'd have to wait in this line and he would give you a bowl just filled with pills mm-hmm and i go what the fuck they're like just take it you take like 15 pills i don't know what the fuck is in it you didn't know what they were no yeah now i know it's adivan valley all these fucking things right gabba panted all these things yeah right it's a while when you get more drugs in rehab than you were on before i'm like now walking around this place for four days with a bunch of teenagers just smoking cigarettes in a soccer field in the middle like it's fucking breakfast my my question is what are the teenagers saying about you like i love it when i'm like i was this place of all these weirdos and they have the same story they're like and there was this fucking guy with long hair smoking cigarettes trying to leave no no no they were not they were like no those papaya they were like tiger belly people they were like your fans you went to rehab no people just all your fans no no not all of them but like there's like my 30 teenage kids maybe three or four of them would go yummy i love kalila what's going on you know this you know i mean so it's just you know it is so funny that you went to rehab and it was tiger belly fans yeah there's a couple i'm sure there was a couple whitney fans as well all right you have fans there too that is so funny so anyway like why is this a surprise i know there are fucking two or three people that fucking react that know the fuck i am sorry it's like when i went to crazy girls on sunset when i first started being on tv and i was like and everyone's like what's it like being like famous i was like i don't really feel that famous i can go to the airport i go to the grocery store like i didn't like and and me and zoe lister jones went to crazy girls which is not even a strip club it's like a bikini bar it's like the girls that don't make it to the fully nude ones like they don't book the audition like so they go to this bikini bar yeah and like half of them are pregnant like they've got tampon strings hanging out and they place the best like 90s hip-hop music and zoey and i went in there every girl that worked there as like a bikini bar stripper girl they were like yeah like oh this is where i'm famous yeah you're on a network tv show and you're also walking in with a fucking co-star i know but it was like it was like strippers what a surprise they have televisions too oh i don't know what i'll gouge your eyes out so anyway you're a witch bitch anyway um so i left the place and the new place wasn't open for seven days like an opening so i didn't know rehab yeah so i had to go to l.a is this a franchise no no the rehab wasn't open yet maybe no no there's because the what place i wanted to go is only eight they only allow eight people at a time okay right so it's like you know really specialized sure you know i mean it's the best i had been there before i went there two years ago and so it's an elevator [Applause] you're so good you're so quick and you're so great and that's what i have to remind myself you know it's whitney is who she is you accept her be mindful about what she's saying be very present and just have empathy i just there's a lot of holes in this story so you leave the first one and you're like i'm fuck this you're uncomfortable you're restless irritable discontent i want to go straight from here are you allowed to call people no at that place they take your phone so every time you call you call payphone you know so it's like it was really difficult to get out getting hold of people this and that anyway i got out i had to spend seven days in la and i just never left the house just laid in bed and i went to this new place and it so it's outpatient and i was at the hotel and i wait the wyatt hotel if it's outpatient oh it's a different state it's a different no it's the same state different city arizona that's where all the rehabs are yeah isn't that interesting it's interesting and i went to um the hotel room and that night i slept by the door of the hotel room because i literally thought if i because of bob died in a hotel room so i literally thought i want them to discover my body you know or if i'm having a stroke or or i'm dying don't make a joke don't fucking pick a chicken i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just that you and bob are the two people like i love the most and thinking about either of you dead i i is so that i don't cry you deflect so i i was going to open the door if i was getting a heart attack so that they could find my body i mean that's how fucking crazy i was and then when i went to the new place i didn't sleep for six nights in a row over 96 hours almost i no like 100 hours of not sleeping you know and not i'm not even talking laying in bed like my heart racing pacing in my hotel room and are you in those seven days did you come back and and like use to stay no i've been sober since the first place oh wow okay so i was like a couple weeks over at this new place and bob's dead and bob's dead and they they asked me to leave because they couldn't do any work because what i need is emdr trauma work yep you know i mean so um it's a game changer so they told me to go um home get blood work because if you think you're dying so like we get some blood work you're like what is that really fun so um they go and i got blood work i came at x-rays um blood pressure heart everything and everything's fine okay and my doctor was like you're smoking weed you know 24 hours a day and you're smoking cigarettes 24 hours a day and the amount you're smoking yeah you're gonna cough up a lot yeah so um so now i'm back and i got a psychiatrist and um i am on a little ritalin today for second day and um i'm going to go back to this place of in a month and where we were looping just the idea of like being was this the first time you felt like a psychiatrist brought up the idea of ocd and uh no two years ago when i went to this place it's a trauma place it's they have the best therapists in the world and it's the greatest place i've ever been to and i've been to five in my life and they um it's called betterhelp.com do you have better yeah you can go just to arizona and just get better help from hotel in arizona if you wanted to be outpatient yeah but they um they match you with your um therapist 48 hours or less you will get a response you can switch at any time anytime at any time they're constantly adding new therapists it's not it's you know what it's not it's not a crisis it's not self-help yeah anyway go for 30 more seconds and then we're going to yeah we got that in the bag yeah that's funny anyway so um so now i have 30 oh let's see seven i don't know what's the third what wait wait one two three four 36 days of everything now here's the thing porn porn poor look at you i didn't want to have sex with kalala anymore and she's wildly out of your league just let me okay sorry absorb that my my bad keep going god it hurt of course dude god made me god made me to go out without a with a 342 girl named ting tingting that's what god made god made me was like he's gonna be with tinkerine but but hold on but colla here's so here's what i'll say i'm not gonna say i'm just as someone that did read a bunch of neurology books to try to figure out how life works you two have been together for how long almost 10 years 10 years i mean like i'm not saying you shouldn't be off porn and that like it is one too many million not enough and porn can be very damaging and toxic but is is all of that just your fault is like being with someone have you ever been with someone for 10 years before it's a long time no i always had a two-year mark because this is going to i loved all my girlfriends but um i was which is why i had to kill them the way you say that is so i love all that which is why they had to die if i can't have you no one can but i've always at the two-year mark exactly two years i just go i'm done which is by the way there is a little bit of like science like biological basis for that which which is like yeah because it's like you know we're we're wired essentially to be making have you ever read cupid's poisoned arrow no one really i'm going to go i have it downstairs it's about how basically like you know in love and sex addiction porn addiction we're not designed to just have orgasms all the time you're kind of only designed to have an orgasm when you're procreating because that's how it was in tribal times you didn't just get to uh so so in you know a navajo indian didn't go back behind a tree and jerk off you know what i i i i i'm not you know what here's what i'm saying they jerked off all the time back then okay i don't think moses jerked off but how dare you he did with what myrrh no did you get two slabs with [Laughter] but um it is amazing how much we say oh god during sex yeah yeah um but no just what the idea was that it was a reward for procreating you know we now have sex for sport almost exclusively most of the time when we have sex the goal is to not get the person pregnant it's just the idea of what it does to your brain when you have an orgasm for the most part your primary brain thinks you've just procreated yeah so the idea of i'm having sex with you to not have a kid we've been together two years our primordial reptile brain thinks that two years ago when we had sex for the first time that a baby was made nine months later and that you need to stay in love with me and stick around to protect the child and your offspring for another year or so and then by the time the baby's one or two i don't really need you anymore and then you don't make dopamine for me anymore and then you move on and procreate with someone else so two years is about the amount of time wait wait they did that back in the day no that's how our primordial brain views it so we are our bread the two-year mark is about when i don't need your protection for my the offspring you made with me anymore so when did that when did that change there's a movie called the female brain and i encourage you all to watch it i don't want to watch it it's a nightmare but there's a whole storyline about this example it's really bad yeah you know what you heard correctly it is one compromise after another it was a nightmare ruined my life and took away my ability to have biological children but there is a storyline that is exactly about this it's the sofia vargara and dion cole storyline which is about like after you know after after you have an orgasm with somebody if you and i are together we have sex two years later is about when your reptilian brain stops making oxytocin for me because it's your your primary brain's internal clock of going i've procreated with this person we've raised the kid it can walk now it's they don't need me anymore i'm not gonna move on and procreate with someone else because my my males or females as well females is a little bit of this it depends on if they're on birth control or not that's a whole other thing and olfactory glands and it's a very boring thing yeah yeah but but so i would say don't i just am the person that's always saying to people like don't be mad at yourself for not being wanting to like fuck like bunnies after two years because we're the cupid's poison arrow lays the science out of that really helpfully yeah but you know that's fine and i believe you but um so 10 years but women also want intimacy right they want to be held they want to be told i love you they want to be some of them yeah but i wasn't doing any of that with kaleidos yeah it became you know you know because of my porn addiction it became strictly business sure and a friendship and that's not what she's in it for so sure she's doing it for also i also want to say because i'm a kid from trauma and ptsd sure you know i cannot engage in suffering anymore other people's suffering right so it's like you know you know i'm sure i know i know asa akira who's just a a businesswoman she's bright uh do we can we say porn star still or is it or is it an adult movie science worker okay adult movie star i'm an adult movie star yeah howdario she's like the number like she was the number one you know one of the best and um she's she has a kid now she's what does it mean to be one of the best porn stars one of the richest or one of the most flexible like it's no like in acting like you win oscar if you're great right they have the avian awards yes i know she's won many of those i know i've hosted them before right so she's got plaques and trophies and stuff but anyway um what i'm saying is um when you go to a strip club and you watch porn you know you're just supporting other people's trauma you know what i mean and ptsd i'm not saying all of them are like that but you know if you watch european ones obviously you know in especially eastern european ones they're forced into yeah just out of necessity yeah sure and you know sometimes families give their daughter but how do you know because it's like in this time where we're going we're supporting sex workers if you are a teacher and you're getting paid nothing and you want to breastfeed on only fans for an extra 100 grand a month we're supposed to be like that's totally fine now as long as it's your choice and it's consensual like when do you know i usually am like that bruise is a little too big for me to enjoy this porn how do you know if they're it's what it's whoever it's your individual decision right it's like i don't eat mcdonald's right because i think it's but my niece eats mcdonald's i think mcdonald's is poison sure and if you keep eating it you're gonna die but people eat it and i have nothing i don't think they should but they fucking do it anyway and i'll give a fuck but but to be if i may um that's are you saying that that's capitalizing on the trauma of animals because it's meat because the the porn thing is if if because there's here's the thing there is a huge rise in amateur porn where people that are dating can centrally film themselves having sex and put it on yeah i get what you're saying it's not my place to say i'm participating in a rape or a trauma because i don't know i'm not telling anyone to stop working in their field spending points or watching or watching it i'm just saying for me yeah yeah it feels right that's what it feels like it feels weird it feels like i'm supporting something that's evil yeah and um that's just me i'm working on a uh a bit about like how um because i'm dating a guy that seems like nine years younger than me and everyone's like well why would you want to be with someone that was like exclusively raised by porn and i i guess i'm just like no one talks about and you're talking about now the negative effects of porn on men and uh like he has all these fears uh that i've never seen in a man like he won't let me alone with the pizza guy like he gets really nervous that's really funny he won't let me hang out with my step brother yeah like he's really stressed graceful he won't let me do the laundry he thinks i'm going to like get stuck in the laundry machine that's 80s porn he's got that's when they used to do storylines they don't do that anymore they do gonzo it's fine yes he doesn't like it when i'm like on the yoga ball at the gym he's like get off that yoga ball don't you want me working out just like the new paranoias that guys have but yeah i mean good on you for like knowing that it was not uh because i think it seems like it's just taken me my entire life to to make peace with porn going okay if the guy i'm with is watching porn and jerking off it's not personal he's not trying to hurt me it's like taking a piss it's just like you know taking a shit or something but when you know that it's making your life unmanageable and you were able to tell on yourself that's yeah i mean well i felt like my relationship was falling apart and um she's a great girl and i just you know i want it to work and and did you feel like because what i hear is when you get desensitized when you watch enough porn that by the time you're with a person irl it's just becomes a transaction it's like transactional it's no also there's no it's impersonal there's a detachment to it and it's fast like i you know would do it like you know sex is a to do it's an event sometimes okay right there's you know foreplay there's you know i mean you have to consent i mean yeah it's got to be consensual i don't consent to foreplay quick as possible yeah so for me it's like you know i'd rather just go in my bathtub watch porn real quick your bathtub yeah because i don't want her to watch me doing it so i go i'm taking a bath she knows what i'm doing the number one that's how i know someone's jerking off because that's not true you take baths i'd never take showers and i've been like that's a kid i'm like that too actually that's really weird that's really weird yeah yeah if i'm in a rush i'll take a shower okay but if i'm i have some time back baby all day long yeah yeah so yeah i don't even clog up the bathtub at first i'll just sit in front the faucet part and just splash okay it's great okay so don't judge me one time i walked in a friend of mine in the bath and she was like taking forever this was like in college and i walked in and she was there was no water in the tub she her like undercarriage was up against the the faucet and it was just like that's how she masturbated it was the water just going on her genitals in the bath i did that my parents bathtub faucet in their bathtub in their bedroom yeah was so scary it was so strong right that during the days i would just go put my penis on the faucet right and just kind of hold my penis but but the sensation of the water rushing it made it feel so good and one day i was doing it like this and i hear and i turn around my dad had to come back home to pick something up and he saw me and we never talked about it bummer it was a bummer dude this is the emdr this is why this is one like the emperor from star wars was fucking traumatic that is i am so gr like every day that i like miss my dad who's passed away or feel bad about our relationship or have regrets i'm just grateful he never saw me naked that's the only thing i'm like totally fine i'm like he died before he ever accidentally saw me naked and that's all i could ever ask for but if you wait your toothpick covered in saliva at me one more time you know what we never here's the thing i'm not going to let you blue ball though zip x what is that is that your yeah this is a because i quit smoking this is a nicotine um toothpick can i have yeah two milligrams of the best oh see i love to i love tea tree oil toothpicks and you know it reminds me of do you remember the movie uncle buck yeah the guy with the guy at the bowling alley put the the the toothpick in his mouth yeah yeah i just i think about that as like a performer now and i'm like did they improvise that like did that actor improvise that moment like looking back don't you think he probably did yeah yeah so here's something as you're as you're drawing i'm gonna so i'm gonna you talk and i'm gonna write something down i'm very shy but i do i do think it's important that we address the the diagnosis of the add ocd thing because as someone that shies away from discussing that because i feel like in 10 years we're going to look back at this and it's just not going to hold up or that people get very sensitive about like this is what actual add is an ocd and whatever i've been diagnosed with both i know there's a spectrum but i do feel very um a little bit resentful that it took till i was like 37 years old for someone to diagnose my add uh uh because i i think that i don't present to someone that has a dd i've been able to achieve things i've been able to finish scripts i've been able to work really hard but it also manifests in little things like repeating yourself when you're talking like i struggled for the longest time like and i think a part of it has to do with not being like heard as a child i would repeat myself talk really loudly interrupt people yeah you said that you said that earlier that you finished people's sentences you said that early downstairs right uh i i i if you're bombing i'll try to help you that's a different thing than i had like a tick it was almost like a manic tip where i i was so afraid someone was going to get bored or abandon me that i would just like interrupt when they were talking yeah but you don't have like i have to like at a movie theater if i turn around one time yes i have to turn around two more times sure so this is what you'll see okay when you're looking back at this no this is a smoothie right here right [Laughter] yeah there could be gunshots in the back like real guns i won't turn around you're just trying to show off your thick main appearance so yeah so so i when i was a kid if i would like stub my toe on a table i'd have to stub my other toe on purpose it's like even it out so do you do that now or no so you have a little bit of that i have a lot of things have to be even like if i like i i have this little tick where i'll use my right thumbnail to sort of make a callus on my right pointer finger and i have to do it with my left one too so that they're even like if i did if i if i scratch this finger ten times i then have to do the left one ten times you know it's the same thing yeah yeah it's the same it's like little things like that where things just it's it's about control and i think as a child there's so little you can control that when you're able to like organize your books by color or whatever you just have this false sense of control in your little world so i think as i've gotten older al anon helped me with that in inner child work yeah and that's also what i love as you can tell by this podcast i need everything to be very neat and tidy i'm gonna leave all these toothpicks on the table but my point is is that um that's what i love about you because there's a couple of guys you and mark that i can go to and talk about you know um these things you know 12-step stuff you know the language you know and it's there's a safety in that but i want to show you this um what okay this is circles of intimacy let's just call it there so he's holding up an index card with two circles it kind of looks like an egg and then he he misjudged how big the card was so the the circle is like goes off the card right so in the center circle imagine the center circle right that's supposed to be me and god right and by god you mean whatever your perception of god or spirituality or it's within right it's like the spiritual connection within right and what i would say about god just really quick for people to hear god and they go ugh because they were like catholic and molested or something yeah because that could be a triggering word for people what we say in program is like you don't have to believe in god you just have to believe that you're not god yeah and if you believe that you're not your god can be anything right the universe eva duvernay scientology yeah yeah you know pete davidson's dick whatever you want mine is pete so um you know the center circle should be you and your spirituality the second circle should be um your loved ones you know like your girlfriend money got it loved ones yeah yeah does that is that chosen loved ones or does that family count that's the thing in that second circle this is what i was taught right is um should be not a lot of people it's you know you can't be that intimate with everyone right so it's like it's my right now my second circle is kalyla we forget about okay so in in i did this um attachment strategy course that was similar and you had tears of friends you had a's b's and c's because what we try to do is like people like us do you just wink at me yeah i don't know how to wave i've never i don't know how to wave no one ever told me i'm so bad waving you know how my boyfriend waves at people yeah yeah that's not see yeah do this just wait you just winked but this wasn't the time or the place for that i don't care you weren't i'm tired of people telling me what and why what i cannot tell you i was literally just curious because you earlier were talking about in this climate yeah and you want to see my pussy but no not worried about winking at me like that i'm just curious to see what that monster looks like is that eileen warnos anyway so anyway but but really quick there's i think that people like us not us i won't speak for i'll speak for myself i think that we get uh uh accused of having intimacy issues or we can confuse about intimacy because number one we um conflate intimacy with proximity of being you have to be with someone physically or around someone a lot in order to be intimate with them and number two we can trauma bond with strangers very intensely once a month yeah and it's a false sense of intimacy whereas intimacy the idea is having some kind of consistency and accountability and not just we're going to share about how we were molested for an hour 2 a.m that okay so once a month okay this is what i would so but my whole life especially in my 20s yeah the number one thing was always show business it was stand up i i cared more about that than anything else on planet earth the biz of show is to make it yeah right which i but but i think if i may because i just as we talk i'm sorry because i'm big on with you don't talk about my friend like that yeah like it's like we equate success in show business with physical safety financial freedom security and love so i i just think that it sounds a little bit like we're dickheads and we're like i just want to make it in show business it's not like i just want to be famous like it's no it's not about that it's also like our scarcity complex and like wanting to be solvent financially yeah but also when you st you know as especially if for you know i started comedy in 95 and there were no asians doing no no in san diego they were not really genuine yeah duty to negotiation bjork and judy so um you know i also was so difficult to get in and when i realized it's difficult now but when you first start doing stuff you don't know anybody you're just signing up at an open mic you get a you know one o'clock am one am you know called state of the time before the internet getting booked as a comedian looking back i cannot believe we start like physically are alive yeah we would show up to comedy clubs wait for hours with a bunch of legitimately narcissistic unhoused people yeah i don't think you can say homeless anymore unhoused people like mentally ill people yeah i used to hang out with a guy who wore a doll house on his head and he would give me a ride and he would drive me to the club with a dollhouse a little dollhouse on his head and i'd have to help him disassemble it to take it off yeah and then various drug addicts that did what you said earlier uh referred to as real meth yeah yeah i had a guy pull out my car at the comedy store parking lot tracks name is ari shafir yeah like it was just it's like and then even when you know and look i have nothing but like like glowing things to say about all the people that hazed me and growing up in that but then even when you do get in you're still getting like abused on purpose instead of just i mean i would sit outside for seven hours on sunset boulevard alone as a 23 year old woman like waiting to do three minutes yeah with a bunch of weird i mean it's wild but the problem when you put show business number one when you don't get the audition when there's a couple of years when you're not really working or hot and you know i had that those years right you just spend all that time completely depressed no self-worth and if i may yeah the couple people that would be the friends you would attune to that would understand what you're going through are your competition right so yeah yeah so for me coming up as a girl it was like the the at that time when no one that was not no one wanted women doing comedy uh the three or four other girls that were doing it with me the three people that i feel like could be comforting or medicinal to know and hang out with we were pitted against each other yeah so it was like even more lonely yeah and so um but what i've had to do is um it's also like you know i've had fears of being canceled you know i mean because of the things that i've said and and then that would be traumatic right for me and i would obsess about it yeah but what what i've done in the last month is i've literally i think i feel like i've changed how i view what i'm doing now and i don't care as much i care more about living and i have other dreams like i want to open an animal sanctuary like i want to buy a ranch and i want to get pigs and cows and raise them you know on land and stuff and i have other dreams and so when you rearrange your circles of intimacy right it i'm sorry can i just say really quick when people get sober isn't it ironic that they sound the most on drugs what do you mean just like what's like look i want to get pigs and cows and like that is the most high thing anyone could say which is i just love that whenever i hang out with my friends that are recently sober the shit they say is way more high yeah you know whereas when you're high you're like i want to start a business you know i want to raise land animals on land yeah i want pigs and cows like i'm like it's just a it's a funny thing that happens that well i'll tell you why though you fucking witch bitch this is your new thing you're the only one i'm going to call you that's your new name huncle okay do you like it you're just branding for me i've been out of i need a teacher of ideas it's going to be a hot uh shirt but my point is is that so um you know you love dogs right mm-hmm some of them no you no you know that's true you're like you're like us in the sense we foster yes right we i know that kalila when she has any questions about fostering or dogs she calls you right so i feel like we have that in common and we know that dogs have an emotional connection right they're sentient beings they recognize they become family and there's nothing more healing i think than the unconditional love of an animal that doesn't care what you do for a living doesn't care what show you're on doesn't care how much money you have you know so that that is for me a lot of my like recovery in in trying to scrape together a modicum of self-worth has just been like i respect and love this dog i trust its instincts it's evolved over millions of years to be able to tell who's safe and who's cool and who's not and if this dog likes me i must not be a complete piece of shit right so when you have you ever seen photos of the yulin dog eating festival in china the fact that you're bringing this up let me just finish what i have a point i have a fucking point which way no nobody just fucking listen to what i'm fucking saying all right i know i'm not riddled right now but you got me all crazy okay but what i'm gonna say is when people that are close friends of mine are like hey do you know about the yulin dog festival i'm like hey bitch unmute me you know that's like my major cause and i post about it all the time okay so it breaks your fucking heart right you get rage and anger yeah right why because you know that they're emotional sentient beings you're right that connect but cows and pigs do the same thing when you raise a cow from a calf right right right they let's say they're out in your pasture and you have a house some of them will wait by your door in the morning of course right and when you walk out they'll greet you right they'll sneak up behind you and lick your face right and they don't do that with anybody else because you have an emotional connection with that thing they have feelings right because they don't watch porn yeah i love cal poly porn is my favorite by the way so um and pigs do the same thing right there's so many animals do the same thing so um i've been maybe you know what you just maybe i'm newly sober i think you're right what's up maybe i'm on a pink cloud stop all right let me just say right i think cloud is what they say when you get sober and you're like suddenly everything's clear and you feel really good right and then go it goes away so um it doesn't have to be maybe i'm on a pink cloud maybe i'm i think you're seeing clearly i think that you're seeing like i am but i feel like i'm not as well no you're not you're not it's it's more like it's more like to say all this to me it's just like this is my shit like my main drug is animals at this point like you know so i totally i'm with you no one is more with you but but the one thing about the animal thing is when we adopt animals get farms have all the pigs and cows we are setting ourselves up for future heartbreak and that's the place i am right now in my life is going like i have all these dogs and animals in my life that i love so much that are gonna die soon and that is gonna fucking i've talked to my therapist about it i'm like when frank right over here when if something ever happens to frank he's gonna live forever um i am like planning a heroin addict i was like can i i'll just do heroin you can be there for like a month yeah because i i'm afraid of the the amount of like most of my fear in life revolves around what's gonna happen when my heart gets broken by my animals because it's kind of the only thing that can hurt me anymore at this point because i've i've i was born with a broken heart my heart's been broken so many times by people that now it's like the pain of losing an animal is unlike anything else well you don't save their hair saliva toenail that's what i do save their saliva so i can clothe them with what business clone no cloning is real bad no the process of cloning is really inhumane and you're getting i don't know what do you mean the process the process the way that they clone dogs is it's you know uh ask your relatives uh that's really that's where they do it and they basically take a dog who's like the surrogate dog they put an egg in it and they have like five or six pups they have to do it by cesarean section the surrogate mom does die most of them are wonky duds lemons and then you get one and it's still like a little off it's like there's just so many dogs that need to be rescued there's so many dogs that need something you don't need to and everybody who clones their dog i'm like your dog sucked before why are you making another one of your little okay think about the people who clone their dogs they were already weird alien breeder dogs in the first place yeah i love my dogs more than humans and you're right i and one of my dogs is 12. yeah and i keep looking i pet them every day and i know you can give an nad the nad which is the uh really good for humans the anti-aging thing uh there's some evidence that it works in dogs and oh i thought it was nda like n.a.d you do you have to sign the nda you yeah it's hard but but i think it's but but no what i'm hearing is this incredible recovery because you're you're like thinking about animals and the things that because happiness is an inside job and you're thinking about the things that make you happy and make you feel whole and without substances that's the whole deal yeah and i think a lot of addiction recovery is about replacing an addiction a negative addiction with a positive addiction so when someone's like i just got sober and i'm doing crossfit six times a week everyone goes like well that's just another addiction fine as long as you're not like driving drunk and killing yourself like why not so for me a lot of times it's rescuing animals i'm like i know this is addictive it's making my life unmanageable i'm missing like nine limbs i'm covered in scars i under i know but it's definitely better than yeah they try to get me because i said the last place i go i'm done with porn and they and they go this is what they i laughed so loud they go what about the video games i'm like fuck you because fuck you because it's whack-a-mole you know what i mean like why you deal with one and another comes up i mean the good news is that most video games are basically porn at this point but you shoot the hooker at the end right you shoot the idea you're hunting hookers yeah yeah um but uh how did you come on the realization that porn is making my life unmanageable did you just decide one day like no no no no no she would be i know my girlfriend would be like a lot of guys talk about that but why aren't we having sex and i would make excuses like um i'm getting old i'm 50. you know what i mean or you know i mean i can cut that out you know i have a lot of stress or whatever it might be you know what i mean but um it's to just to get in a healthier place in all like i don't call people back i don't text people back i i have an mo just disappearing and this and that yeah and i want to change but here's all of that if you if someone texts you and then you text them back then it just starts the whole process over again i know i kind of i i think you and i are like polar opposites in that as if someone texts me i would like pull over to respond to them right away and i could use a little more like i'll respond tomorrow when i have some time yeah you'll go weeks and months never yeah you just won't respond i won't respond to people at all right and then and what does that mean i don't know i mean i ran into my friend david arnold you know david of course but to be fair most people there's no nothing to say back i i do i am fine he was like hey what's up and you're like ah right so but david arnold goes he go you know he was a little distant and i go what's up cause i've known him for 30 years writer he's like dude i've called you 50 times in my life you've never called me back yeah right and in my head i was just like you know what man you're fucking right i mean what a terrible thing i apologize you know and i'm not doing that i don't i don't want to do that anymore but here's yes and here's what i will say i do think that we shouldn't be just responding to everyone out of obligation either yeah you know because that's all we would do if we just responded to people so so but when you don't respond to me or if i don't text you back i'm going like well i'm going to see him tonight anyway you know what i mean right right i think you have to look at your motives of why you're responding to somebody and if you're responding just out of obligation you just got to go maybe i'm at capacity i know that's not what you're doing yours is like pathological and self-sabotaging but i did find i've spent i spent so much of my life just responding to people because they texted me or going out to lunch and hikes just because someone asked me there is a point as an adult where you have to go like if i were to if i had responded every text and every phone call that's all i would do and we do have to protect our time and energy and not like force people to make us invest in friendships we don't want to be in yeah so there's a happy medium can i ask you a quick question it's kind of a side note okay because okay it's a behavioral thing so um last year when you don't respond to me i'm like thank god um last year i was in hungary and i was at you know how doing what obviously nothing just doing a tour the most interesting thing you say you give no you just throw away yeah i was just in rehab that was in rehab i go all over the world that's where that's that's where the um uh the ovaries is anonymous yeah that's for the overeaters we have sort of eating disorder so i wasn't hungry and i was in a store and they you know i they don't know who i am but i wasn't having a conversation with somebody because what do you do i go i'm a community goes i love bert kreicher that's what he said and i go what yeah and i go yeah he's a good friend of mine he's like no you don't know him right so i facetimed burke chrysler right he picked up this whenever any comedian facetimes another comedian you run into some you're ambushing me with a fan of mine right yeah so so that's exactly what it is so but but the question is this right and bert answered i go hey there's a fan here right and then i hung you know he was super nice i go thank you for picking up i hung out and they treated me different right but am i doing it for bert to reach out to a fan or am i doing it to brag she's someone you'll never see again yeah so what am i doing it for honestly to get the exchange over with i think so you're just trying to get it over with it that that honestly isn't bragging it's a fucking bracket it's the fastest way to get out of that situation that you've you're you're in and in bro yo is that how you pronounce it you're in a a morass of this person where someone's like do you know this person now you have to prove to that no you just you comedians are obsessed with justice and someone just accused you of being a liar yeah and now you're like all right i'm gonna fucking call this motherfucker so i don't have to go through the rest of my trip in hungary thinking that this guy that works at basically the hungarian version of forever 21 is gonna call me a liar yeah how dare you so it's really more that like when people will be like so yeah like accuse me of like i'll just like here i'm gonna call a bitch because we have to prove ourselves i think as comedians we have to prove ourselves every day all the time and the idea that you have to prove to your yourself to this fucking guy who just accused you of lying to him but why can't we just say why can't i just do this i know him no you don't okay and just move on because we're obsessed with justice and because someone called you a liar and we're comedians are a lot of things but we're not liars okay that is my biggest third rail when someone accuses me of like lying or being dishonest like if someone uh uh i have this thing where if i'm late for something i will take a picture of the traffic i'm in and just send it because i'm like i i never want anyone to think i'm lying so i'm obsessed with providing proof at all times oh i would totally fucking do that yeah okay and then i would um take gasoline and i would put it all over the store and then i would set it on fire yeah okay let me ask you another question then just real quick how dare you accuse someone you don't know of lying like why would you lie about knowing burke crystal why what a dumb lie yeah but also i he could also see you know i could lie too and say if i was an open mic yeah and he goes i love brook chrysler i know him right he could i could see an open mic or doing if they don't know him in hungary maybe why are you talking to people at stores in hungary like there's so many because they don't a lot of them don't speak english so when somebody does speak english because you know i you know i had like weeks off at a time yeah yeah yeah you know i was shooting something they were like you know you have two weeks off there's also sometimes you have to lie to get out of something so i had someone come and help me hang stuff up yeah like uh uh for this podcast studio and sometimes people will come to shows and they'll bring me like knickknacks and trinkets and i this is where i put them up and someone made like legos of me see they're all falling down i don't know how to keep them standing up so those are legos of me with like pink hair and blue hair and whatever yeah and so this guy was hanging stuff up and he was looking at the legos and he goes oh i collect legos and i was like oh these these are actually like little legos of me and he was like you were in the lego movie and i was like you live yes i just was like by the time i explained that i'm not in the lego movie and then people just make legos of me like it's just like and what's fucked up i was in a lego movie and i don't have a fucking lego because i'm saying i'm like the fact that he jumped from you were in the leg i'm like no i didn't buy the lego of my someone and then i'm like i'm gonna sound like i'm lying if i say no a fan just made me a lego of myself and he's coming back on thursday and i'm fully waiting for him to be like i googled you and you're not in the lego movie i was like yeah well you just made things weird no i want you to apologize so sometimes i'll lie just to get out of it's like easier to just say yes we now take a break from our guest to talk about another kind of break slash gap gaps in the diet oh my god i'm never letting you bring us into a sponsor copy again i'm so sorry ritual cause you know why this is why i go back to my thing when you try too hard it sounds fake and corny i have used ritual vitamins even before i had a podcast okay there's a strong argument to be made that taking ritual vitamins gave me the fortitude and the tenacity and the physical and emotional and mental strength to be able to start a podcast in the first place it is my fuel okay over 97 of women age 19 to 50 are not getting enough vitamin d from out of their diet that's psychotic and 95 are not getting the recommended daily intake of ketomega threes and that explains everything that's wrong with this world what ritual essential for women 18 plus multivitamin was formulated by exhaustive research to help fill nutrient gaps in the diet of women ages 18 plus so not near whitney it is formula speak for yourself it is 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hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone grab liquid iv in bulk nationwide at costco or you can get 25 off when you go to liquidity.com and use code whitney at checkout and you can put these in your purse and they don't explode everywhere that's great and then everyone doesn't think you're on cocaine yep and that's 25 off anything you order when you use promo code whitney liquidive.com experience better hydration today at liquidity.com comma promo code whitney they have great flavors mine is favorite is i just use the lemon lime oh i love pina colada oh i feel like i'm on vacation [Laughter] emily has lost her mind and i am so into it i think you're over i think this is your first time ever emily's finally hydrated this is your personality back to our guest one time so i did oddball once and oddball is a stand-up no one you they know what it is i love that you do your that like you go on podcast as if you're just talking to the live nation christmas all right so odd bell was a tour and it's like you know they have like 10 huge comics and it was like for like 25 000 seats we were doing these like outdoor arenas right but i did it the last year so anyway you know when you book a flight you you they don't book your flight you book your flight right so my manager always books me coach yeah because it's he she's like sweet is texas right yeah yeah but i show up at the airport there everyone's there right and they all have first class right so they seat first right and it's all my friends like sakura sebastian manoska dane cook everyone right and um i walk by and they booed me when i walked by so i took a nap on the couch i woke up and i had first class pillows piled up on me like 12 of them like i could have died but it's so funny that they would just go back and just put pillows on my body and they were laughing so you've done the warm cookies oh yeah yeah what's a warm cookie the warm cookie first classic at the end they give you a warm cookie where you're just like what yeah yeah yeah i love the warm cookies that is so funny so funny and then but this is how i love tom seguro so i didn't know him he was the only one i didn't know that well and he put most of the pillows on my back you know him well now he's so when i got off the flight we were my manager was supposed to get me a ride to the airport to the hotel and she never did that so i have to take a cab now sure so i go to luggage and he didn't leave and he goes hey you don't have a ride do you and i go no i have to get a cab he's like no we're going to the same hotel right i go yeah he goes get in my limo and and i was friends with sebastian friends with dane friends with all these guys and they obviously they're build higher and they got shit to do i guess i don't know but he i didn't know him at all i'd never talked to him in my life i knew who he was by name only and as soon as i went in that limo i just looked at him i went yeah this guy is a war buddy he's the best he's the best sebastian have you ever flown on a plane with sebastian no not not in that iteration many times yeah so we i've tried around the world one of the nicest guys ever sebastian yeah i mean i've been going through some hard times and i talked to him and he you know got emotional he's like you can call me 24 hours a day you know that right and you know his schedule and he says that because he knows you won't i'm always like bobby i'm always here at any time knowing that for the 15 years you wouldn't respond to a text yeah yeah but i'm just saying that he's just um i think comedians right now i think it's like the pandemic was a big mental health challenge i think for a lot of us yeah people that already were having mental health challenges if you wink at me one more time um like i think that it i think that that it either tore us apart or brought us together you know and i think that um comedians when the ability to tell you know make drunk strangers laugh at night when that was taken away i also think that this is a this is a hot take so comedians i do feel like a lot of what was keeping comedians and like anyone i'm sure this is the case in any field but this is just what i happen to know like what kept us sane was a lot of us in the hallway talking attuning to each other being able to have conversations that we now monetize for podcasts and we kind of stopped having the off microphone we stopped having like any comedian when i'm in the hallway we start talking about how's your life going with the problems i'm struggling with this like you know let's just podcast on third let's just save it for the podcast we started monetizing our therapeutic medicinal attuning and now we don't we only do it for public consumption yeah and i think that's unhealthy i agree yeah because what i learned is i use my shame my um my regret just all that stuff and i expose all of it like i was molested my dad used to beat me and just be specific but it's my way of pushing people away because you have to hold some things to yourself and process them yourself right but all my career i've been like look at my dick look at my body i'm ugly you know and just all this shit like i was you know constant constant and it's just a defense mechanism and this is i didn't make this up but um who was it that said i say it all the time uh and i don't know who i'm plagiarizing but that uh comedians do stand up to control how we're embarrassed because we're i know who said that i don't know who said it i don't know oh that's great and i bring it up all the time and it's something that made me that's what i do i go up and i'm like i'm this i'm ugly my last name is coming so i'm gonna be single forever i'm like i'm gonna say all the shit about myself before you get to say it that's exactly what it is it's exactly what it is yeah but it's not healthy you can't hurt me you can't fire me because i quit yeah because the first year i did opening anthony this is 20 years ago i left i left i left halfway during the um interview because they were fucking ripping me apart and when you're a young comic and you're like oh jim norton i was with jim norton greg geraldo patrice o'neill they're all in the room dad dad dad yeah yeah and they were ripping me apart and i'm friends with i love all of them but um and i left i go i'm never gonna do that again but the next year i had to go back because i had to celtic because i wasn't selling tickets i had to do open anthony but this time i said you know what i'm gonna see the darkest most fucked up shit about myself i'm gonna make shit up i'm gonna lie i'm gonna do all all this shit right and that's where i learned how to do all that i got you know before they could even rip into i was molested by a guy with down syndrome you know man just my dad used to beat him with golf club and just constant constant you know i mean because no i mean that's implied no one without down syndrome would have molested you no that is true i know what do you mean a guy with down to because he's what do you mean by that only someone down syndrome would find you attractive as a child i'm just saying it's obvious that the person at down syndrome i mean how dumb was i when you lure a kid you have to offer them candy or something [Laughter] he wasn't talking to last year you [Laughter] do you feel like you feel like though moving forward as people that are trying to better ourselves and still stay funny you know i definitely get scared a lot where i remember my therapist said to me once it's lonely at the the emotionally sober top you know because a lot of people you know are not going to be able to understand boundaries they're going to be whatever it is so i think there's a little bit of me that was like i don't want to get too well because number one i'm not going to be able to be friends with all these people that i tell people did i like love and i don't wanna have to like end friendship so i'm just gonna stay sick in these areas so that i can you know i'm gonna stay a doormat so i cannot or i'm so afraid of having a friendship breakup that i'm just gonna stay sick and or when i see this person i'm just gonna revert to that role you know even though it's toxic or abusive or whatever so i don't have to end it but number two if i get too well what if i won't be funny anymore because so much of what's funny is going i'm a piece of shit and i suck and i you know like do you worry about it but if you but if you rearrange because this podcast is this the better we get the less funnier we are i'm just telling you i know but if you rearrange that thing that i gave you the circles of intimacy or whatever yeah um if i rearrange it it's not as it's not as important right when everything is show business in your career and this and that right then it's like and you rearrange it it it doesn't it's like oh whatever you can i'm not as funny whatever yeah i'm i'm happier i'm healthier and i'm gonna live longer and also this isn't all this shit right here isn't that real it's like it's all we know what we're doing right right you and i are different because you know you and i can talk about real things i'm talking about like when you have a comic that's not i don't know and it's just jokes we're making fun of people doesn't that it's just it's entertainment right but it's not all of life right right all of like when you go and see like when you're hiking you can see it like a bird land on a somebody's head or whatever you go that's beautiful or whatever well i would i would live stream in a post-it yeah yeah but i mean you see nature and you go you know and you you ask i'm 50 when you turn 50 you go you know they say you know i think socrates says a life not self-examined is a life not worth living and um i guess they were doing self-help back then yeah right and so for me i've had to do a lot of self-examining and i've just rearranged things and it seems to be working like i don't i i don't have any auditions right now did you say you saw a bird land on someone's head are we just gonna skip i wanted to skip by that because i don't know how birds behave and i just made that like a squirrel yeah it's a squirrel better i just i i just i feel like to just let that slide i wanted to let it go once i said i'm like did that never happens okay yeah right but then i you're asking did you see a vulture attack and just stand by and not help that person let me ask you this then nowhere in history a bird has landed on a fucking guy's head i'm sure it has but you're just trying to um yeah i i this is like a um this is a i was telling the story the other day that uh this super famous person at snl once was trying to that spade that no that tom cruise was at snl and he was he's not gonna hire me uh yeah i'm too tall i've just come to terms with that all the actors that i'm taller than are never going to hire me and it's fine and that's the only reason tom cruise won't hire me because of my height that's what i'll tell myself and he was trying to just like um attune to the writers and like hang out with them and like just be one of them and he was just doing small talk and they were like what's it like to be tom cruise and he just went you know i i wish i just had regular problems like everybody else like he was married to katie holmes at the time and he was like i wish that katie would come home someday and just be like ah i don't know what to do for dinner they ran out of ravioli at the ravioli store so like in the jokes like he thinks there's a ravioli store that's how far gone yeah he it which is fascinating to me because i'm like maybe the places he does go out which are like like fancy towns in italy they might have a ravioli store yeah he that might be his truth or the other way to look at that is that everyone that works for him in order to like stay employed have uh gaslit him into believing there's like a store for every food so that like if he knew there was whole foods like you would there he'd have way less people on staff yeah so they're like we have to go to the ravioli store we have to go to the eggplant store then we have to head down to the candle store like they like it's just been crazy i'm gonna have to do overtime yeah okay but so the fact that you think birds just land on people's heads i guess i was like has he ever been on a highway has you ever seen a bird in the wild maybe you've been in the movie business too were you at animal practice don't make fun of don't fucking career shame don't when you why because of the monkey when when someone when when when someone's been on a tv show where they were trained animals they have no idea how real animals behave connected so i did the pilot you know the russo brothers directed uh predicting animal practice was on nbc and it was a bunch of animal it was about a few years i would play the veterinarian and so for the pilot you know the russo brothers are show running and they did all the avengers movies all that stuff right and they go we're going to put a um boa constructor so we're just going to do a pan of what people are doing in their like right so they panned by me and a constructor is strangling which is very funny very funny right but what they didn't realize they were jerking off yeah what they didn't realize is that sometimes every once in a while a bow constrictor even the the show business ones they will exude a poison through their skin right so the fucking bone constructions are on my neck the camera is going by and they go god and there was these fucking boils on my head and i started shaking there it was an emergency they took the fucking ball and i fell on the ground right and that's what that mark is on your and that's what this motherfucker no no um and then i went to the hospital i had an allergic reaction that anyway i don't know why i love going for hollywood is so fucked up i love people going from a fake hospital to soundstage getting injured in a fake hospital then it's like we got to take him to a real hospital it's like that's so fascinating to me but yeah it's funny when like when i'm around like hollywood actors and they like are around like dogs or pup they'll just they'll just like handle them in ways or i'm like no okay you've been on t you've been in too many movies or like movies like like i have a friend who like because everyone wants to do equine therapy with me now because they see what i do with my horse and i talk about how much has helped me and like i'll have friends that they'll just like come in and they'll be like oh i'm just gonna jump on that horse i'm like no no like like that's what you did in a movie you can't just jump on a horse yeah in real you had nine hands this isn't saddle ranch you can't just jump on a bunking bronco whenever you want but that reminds me of this story that i i i have been told this story from people in the exotic animal world um that uh uh that have there was this woman that was keeping a snake as a pet i i don't think it was a boat it might have been a boa constrictor because you can keep them as pets and if you raise them from being babies you can actually have them as a pet and you feed them eggs and rats and stuff like that and this woman had a boa constrictor because someone because there's all these exotic animals that were in movies that we now can't use animals in movies anymore nor should you it's always abuse but that means there's all these exotic animals that are like out of work basically yeah that need to be rescued or that they're using at like kids birthday parties and abusing them in other ways because it's expensive to keep a fucking elephant but you can't use them in movies anymore because it's abuse so all these like l.a weirdo animal trainers have a bunch of exotic animals and no way to pay for them so they're doing all this other fucked up shit right so or trying to get them rescued so this this this exotic animal chair in l.a was like i've got a couple snakes would you rescue them and i'm like how do i rescue a snake like what the fuck does that look like i don't wanna uh uh like and then i'm like looking into it and i and i watch this video and it's about you know when you see on youtube all these like weird pairings of like a bird and an elephant or best friends and a coyote and otter like all these just like little things that are really cute do you know what i'm talking about yeah you know and then there's the guy that lives with the hyenas like on youtube you can you know and so i'm looking at this girl she's got a bow constrictor that she's raised as a pet and they fully are like buddies like she's got the snake and they go to the grocery store together and they sleep together and the snake really seems to like know her and she feeds it like rat eggs or whatever the fuck and i'm like oh my you know you can you can anthropomorphize anything you can project i'm like this snake like loves this woman i'm like am i projecting or is this real and as we were talking about before with you and the cows and the pigs you just discovered at 50 that that pigs and cows like like people that feed them uh it was very sweet to watch and you're like cows will come up to you if they know you because when you're an eat meat eater your whole life you you're in complete the night you don't even that's right you have to look you have to be you have to be so there are there are the ability if you raise something from birth to have a real connection with it i'm like oh my god this girl has this connection with this bow constrictor but then it gets sick and it's not eating and that's the first thing if a dog doesn't eat it's sick something's wrong with it she takes it to the uh the exotic animal vat and the exotic animal vet goes um your bow constrictor is fine what it's doing is saving up space in its stomach to eat you so what happens is boa constrictors will starve themselves to stretch their stomachs big enough to fit the their prey so it's been sleeping with you every night and it's starving itself so that it can swallow you whole and she's like my snake's not eating it must be sick fucking insane wild that is fucking wild and that crazy i want to blow people's mind too the monkey on animal practice got sixteen thousand dollars an episode wait is that the monkey that chris extra takes chris over june yeah yeah so june diane rachel was on the podcast the actors would get like one take and then the ostrich would get like 15 takes crystal the monkey ran that set yeah yeah crystal on mine right yeah it was not even on him crystal the monkey who was in the hangover she's a famous crystal wasn't even it was my coverage right and i'm like and it's a big chunk of line so i'm like oh my god i don't know how i'm gonna get to this monologue right and i'm almost at the end they go cut i go what's the matter nigga crystal's playing with itself and chris was like [Music] [Laughter] maybe you turned her on i wrote something down because i don't want to forget let's just forget let's just first let's forget this whole thing happened yeah um no let's just anything that was outstanding i'm actually trying to make a coherent podcast believe it or not you didn't finish the third circle of your uh intimacy anus so oh the other circles of intimacy okay so um your fam your family goes in here you know your girlfriend your wife goes here and your family okay but okay so for people just listening the middle circle you're saying family however family life what the fuck i'm just saying you're people are go for runs they do laundry while they're listening to podcasts and you're just referring to something no one knows what you're referring to imagine if you're listening to this and someone just said family goes here goes where yeah but you just two minutes ago you we talked about the circles you're pointing to something people can't see all right so i have the circles okay only i have the fucking circles of intimacy right and you asked me what so the middle one should be god and yourself spirituality okay the second one your wife or you know i mean your significant chosen yes your third one family and whatnot and family if they're not toxic and horrible right okay and sometimes people have their careers in there but for me career is fourth now okay right and so um it seems to is that a choice that was made by casting directors or you they put me eighth i choose to put my career last year i'm totally my choice um which is so is weird to me bobby because you are like the hottest you've ever been career-wise is it because not only this all happened but now that you are working a lot in non-stop now you're like okay i got what i needed i feel validated no okay what i realized is that it wasn't fixing me yeah it wasn't it doesn't work it was making me crazier it you know it also didn't feel i mean there were some projects i did because it's going to be good optically for me and it was a fine experience but it just didn't do anything it would break my heart though actually like when i would see you and you would be in something like a huge movie like an adam sandler movie i'm like dude i just saw you that i'm saying would be like shut up just don't fuck you like i know what it's like to be a part of something and and then be embarrassed because then you're like oh no everyone's just gonna see how how uh bad i looked or how not i wasn't the star of that thing it's almost like a lot of people see something that you're not proud of it's almost worse than never having booked it at all or gotten the job at all oh yeah i've been in a couple of years yeah that were embarrassing to me or you signed up for a really big part and it got cut down and you're just like ugh like this is like or you get completely cut out of a movie that's the worst you know i mean i took my like dad before he died to a movie premiere of a movie that i was like had like eight scenes in and i it literally was like can i take your order like it was like i had like one line it was so embarrassing so and i was like talking to the publicist being like can i get five tickets like i was like i was like fighting to get they had seen the final cut and fully knew i'd been cut out of the entire thing no one told me no one tells you ahead of time don't fly in your friends and family to see this that happened to me four months five months ago i literally just went after tom cruise i feel like i feel like all events are up all right so four years ago three years ago i get a call from this director and he's like hey man i'm doing this gigantic sony animation movie it's on all asian cast i want you jackie chan john chu just right but you would be one of the main guys this and that and i go let me read it i read it it's an animation i don't know much about animation movies so i just did it and um i worked on it for years you know how you just movie sometimes an animation of course keep going takes forever a year later they're like come in do another session so i worked on it and then i saw i don't know so the i i was you know you're watching youtube and they do an ad of a movie so it's coming out it was one of those ads you could skip but i watched it and at the end of it it goes staring jimmy oh yeah it's just eight names right i'm not in it but then and then you look at the title n sequence and you you know the directed by all the things and i read there was like 15 names in there my name wasn't on there right yeah so i call my guy my agent i go oh next time just tell me when i'm cut out of something uh-huh they're like you're not cut out of it they confused you with no another asian person they thought they don't they think you're johnny bobby with the same people yeah gemma chan we're here yeah um so um i go well i'm not and they go we don't know why and this is the first time i made phone calls to everyone because normally i would let it go mm-hmm and not fight for myself it's disrespectful and disrespectful just tell me i'm an adult and and i called the ne the netflix sony made it i called sony and they were just oh yeah you know i mean they just didn't know and they they apologized profusely this and that but i had to express my resent not my resentment just confusion and just clear this up man or just like my thing is more like we're adults you know what i'm saying like it's sort of like people treat us like we're these children that can't be told anything i remember i did um animation is so weird the first animation thing i got was for planes remember planes great movies but i i was the i was a plane that was like the sexy plane and [Laughter] i went not the pitchy plane i'm not the bitch but i'm not for some reason and i go to the um table read and i'm it's like tj miller it's all the people that get every single job do you know what i mean right and i'm like the sexy plane i'm like very and she's very like that she's like i'm like i don't know how to act like a sexy i'm just gonna do me i'm just like hey what do you guys do because in my head like sexy doesn't have to be like this like it just was like i was like this is for children it's shaped like a dick did you get fired it was uh not only did i get fired oh no not only did i get fired but the note was like well she wasn't sexy and not she wasn't doing a sexy enough voice and it was a it was like a black jet and i was like this is in the shape of a black flying dick and i have to be like hey big boy isn't this for children yeah yeah and i remember just being like i am do not know how to do animation yeah but you know what this is another thing i used to do is until one time it was a disaster so is to ask before yeah yeah i mean like one time i was at a table read and i said shit take it just it was written in the shit tank right and afterwards like um that's shiitake dude and i go i and i knew because written weird yes right and i should have asked yes can i tell you so this really happened and this is where i asked and if i didn't ask i would have been fucked all right so i'm in a movie called borderlands coming out okay it was like um it was a obviously the table wasn't zoom right sure everyone's around the world and so my i had to be there like six in the morning saturday morning because it was at a certain time in hungary certain time in other europeans you know right so i had to get up early to do it and but before a week before the director eli roth who's one of the greatest direct you know eli i love eli and i i can't wait to see you again eli i love you one of the best directors i've ever worked so nice he's a genius he's a genius so but a week before his a sit and go listen we don't we haven't cast the whole thing so you have to read all these other parts so he's like you have to play the villain the main villain we haven't cast that out you know i mean and he gave me probably 20 parts so i spent all week literally memorizing because i didn't want to fuck up because i've never been in a table read with jack black and fucking cape blanchett right right right so i'm writing all of it down oh that's right you're in that giant movie yeah so five minutes before we do this gigantic title table read there's so many boxes of actors i don't know yeah and i just had this gut feeling and i called the assistant i go are you sure i'm reading all these parts he goes oh no you're just reading your part now but if i hadn't done that i would have talked over kate blanchet i would have talked over other actors and then they would have to stop and go what the fuck are you doing i go well then uh but your assistant said that you have to read all you know i mean but you it's always important to go i'm asian it's our time stop check your block you're out allie wong get it [Applause] i'm a crazy rich asian i do whatever the fuck i want yeah i mean audition for that this is why i could not get an audition for that couldn't get an audition for hangover couldn't get an audition for any age they just did a book on they just did a fuck they just did a fucking book on asians in pop culture sure not a mention of my oh but that's that's also not like they'll do like a documentary on like women in comedy and it'll come out and i'm like okay [Music] you're like cool it's like i'm not even gonna spend time taking this personally because i probably wouldn't want to do it anyway like it's just the kind of thing where you're like do you want to be right but you should oh that my point is is that i'd rather just being a documentary about comedians you would rather just be you should have gone to planes you should gone to the table read went to the writer or one of the producers no i just go listen i was gonna play it like this but what do you how do you guys think i should play it yeah but i'm given the fact that this is a children's movie and it's weird to make a plane sexy why don't i just be funny instead you fucking weirdo okay but instead of making a grand choice like that all right daniel day-lewis but here's i guess i guess i guess the thing is about me that that i i do trust me i i i am at the risk of seeming like a psycho a diva i i will ask 50 times i'm just confirming double confirming triple confirming i just want to make sure i get this right and then as a woman though you only have a couple you had to ask like three or four questions before you're difficult or you're annoying or you're a hassle so i always feel like i have to be like is there anything i need to know pl like please tell me if i'm doing something wrong you know i can do this and if i do it wrong it's your fault yeah it's your fault you haven't been clear okay but i think a lot of people are afraid to tell people how to do something because they don't want to get accused of like rape anymore so no one will tell me what's happening i go on a movie and no one will even talk to me they're so afraid that they're like i'm gonna call ron and pharaoh i'm like can someone tell me what to do and they're like you just do whatever you want whatever makes you comfortable we want to make a safe space and i'm like well can someone tell me where to stand and they're like wherever you want to stand i'm like you guys can't be so afraid to direct actors that i have no clue what's happening but people but here's the thing just don't rape me but i i know but when you're acting right what people sometimes don't realize is you're a comedian as well yeah right and so this actually happened i wasn't hungry and i don't want to drop names can i drop a name well you already said kate blanchett all right jamie curtis the woman from the activia commercial yeah yeah she goes um hey um this is literally okay i fly to hungary i'm scared shitless like i'm like don't fuck this opportunity up i knew my lines way before you know i mean i'm like don't fuck it up so i go to the hotel thing to replace you with everyone from crazy just fast they're working on the sequel you're sort of a fucking i'm sorry i miss having comedians so sh uh so i go to my hotel room and there's a letter on my bed sure with jamie lee curtis on top of the this letter heading she's like hey i don't know you but um welcome to the movie she's the best and she goes um tomorrow let's have lunch i go fuck yeah right i meet her for lunch but there's other actors a talented actor by the name of cheyenne jackson love amazing singer too singer dancer he's everything right so it's me cheyenne and um penn from penn teller i think you say bagley but okay yeah yeah so um she we have lunch and she goes i want to take you to the river and so along this river in hungary are all these bronze shoes right and that was back in 1945 or whatever when um germany went in there and they just shot a bunch of hungarian jews and threw them in the river right and it's a solemn place you don't tell jokes sure me too i just why are they bronze so they're like you guys got third place i would see if you were with me i would have been safe right so i i don't say anything and then cheyenne jackson goes oh these little shoes are little it was a boy right a little boy everyone's emotional and i go it could have been a midget and they all turn around and they walk away so i'm staring at these bronze shoes going those would fit me yeah yeah but going oh i'm off this movie this is terrible why why no one would think that was funnier than eli ross right but my point is is that sometimes it's like you know they don't know you're a comedian yeah yeah right and you're they just think that you're an actor they don't know anything about me you know they're not tiger belly bad friend friends but my point is is that you know so sometimes you know um you have to turn that off yes we're straight we should do this more often i feel like you i think we should do this more often on camera or off in general both i do too but here's what i'll say i feel like i i'm now going to adjust to the new bobby because i've spent a lot of time going just don't smother him don't pressure him but now that you don't watch porn i feel like you have a lot more time on your hands to hang out i feel like it just freed up eight or nine hours a day for you to have it's really hard to friendships with equals is the key to sanity i am learning for that is not work always it's nice to be in your 20 million dollar house wait you just turned around once you have to do it twice more that's not a movie theater okay okay that's well that's the question i want to ask you real quick fuck it right i thought you had to you kept saying marvel and working work is your dream to be in big movies um your bigger dreams that you have where you're at now if they are fun and like with amazing people uh there's nothing more fun so like doing the foo fighters movie i just did the machine gun kelly movie can i say something about david grohl sure he did mad tv i try to meet him i'm the biggest i saw nirvana play wow i know i have every foo fighters album yeah right and i just can't get him to even know i exist just tell him about me second thing is is this right do you have entitlement i'm writing that down tell girl tell dave yeah let me just remember can someone remind me grace can you remind me to tell dave i'm just the biggest fucking fan like i would suck i will suck that is on the top of my list yeah so i know what you're doing do you have entitlement issues yes like in terms of i believe i should be able to pee right now yeah and not answer this question or we'll we'll ask this later yeah because it's a whole thing yeah i gotta get the fuck out of here it's too long yes and i'm saying my entitlement stuff is not about like i'm entitled to i think when you work as hard as you and i work yeah we go we're entitled we deserve this thing but we're in a business that is is is your success is a confluence of hard work and some luck and a lot of other things yeah so are there places that trigger you places that trigger me but you're entitlement because i have two places that do oh that's interesting yeah yeah uh you you go first so i understand the question so um my thing is restaurants all right so here's what i do in restaurants okay okay hi i don't have a roast like i went to this place called houston's in scottsdale i love houston's right and i go um this is so embarrassing but i have to talk about it i was there at five not busy i go i don't have a reservation but can i get a seat it's a 45-minute wait by the way houston's that's actually short for houston's okay five o'clock on a thursday in phoenix yeah that's when everyone eats yeah but you know i know my eyes are a little smaller than yours but i have i can see i can see the people in the restaurant correct right and my observation is they're not slammed because i used to work at restaurants but also are we in a pandemic and they can't take as many people but that's not the thing they were sitting they sat 30 white people that walked in you think it was personal i don't know what it was personal but my mind says that right so then i got you know what no so i was so embarrassing i walk up to the hostess i go do you guys have a twitter handle and i had my twit tweet out with my verified this and that and i feel like the host just really deserved this and just listen sorry and she goes come in and they gave me a table right because you threaten them yeah so my point is is this do you have any instances like that where it triggers you so for me from now on what i'm going to do and what i've been doing is i know when i go to a restaurant that i i'm going to get triggered so if that happens i just step outside for five minutes and i just think it through i breathe and yeah you take things per i know what you mean mine is probably like an example i could probably think of many more i get triggered when i'm in you know what i'm sorry that i'm saying this and i'm not i don't mean this to be against you but when i am in a public place and someone loses their temper of people that have no control over the situation like when someone goes up to a hostess and is like why i don't deserve to wait like everybody knows when i am at the like jet blue counter and someone's screaming at the jet blue person who has absolutely no control over whether the plane's cancelled or yeah yeah i i am like can you stop yelling at this person that's not entitlement i know but i i i i we're talking about a completely different fucking thing right now when i'm at my house and people that i invited my home as a guest leave their saliva covered toothpicks all over my brand new table okay okay definitely okay i definitely feel entitled like maybe they could respect really good okay no i think for me it's it's when i take things personally that are not personal a lot of times it's when people like don't use coasters and look at the amount of coasters i have out and i've just i've i've dropped it right it's not everyone else's job to to accommodate that i just have to drop it because my scarcity complex growing up sometimes i'm friends with comics that are like very rain man like yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a little weird as well let's fucking end it don't write elephants i love you now you're 37 days over that's really funny [Music] wow [Applause]

Channel: Whitney Cummings

Views: 797,492

Keywords: whitney cummings, comedian, standup, female comic, female podcast, good for you podcast, podcast, stand up, roast, tour, ancestral trauma, whitney, special guest, sitcom, hbo, netflix, comedy, pop culture, ASA AKIRA, TOM CRUISE, ANIMAL PRACTICE, JUNE DIANE RAFEL, JAMIE LEE CURTIS, PENN AND TELLER, HUNGARY, CATE BLANCHETT, JACK BLACK, ELI ROTH, PORN, Kalyla, Trash Tuesday, Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl, Eli Roth, Awkwafina, Sebastian Manascalco, Tom Segura, Threesomes, Therapy, Pauly Shore

Id: akWP9p9kByM

Length: 130min 21sec (7821 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 17 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

These two fight like old friends. Bobby wants to be as successful as Whitney and Whitney wants to be as naturally funny as Bobby. They're equally insecure and aware of this and that's what makes their dynamic together so interesting.

Edit: She had a lot of funny moments in this.

[u/OKalrightOKAYalright]

Bobby was really funny here.

[u/Spongekelp]

Whitney asking Bobby to explain who Pauly Shore is to the audience 💀

[u/RonTRobot]

"I had to wait because the rehab only accepts 8 people at a time"

"Was the rehab just an elevator?"

LOL. This episode was great. It reminds me of my favourite TigerBelly episodes which had guests dunking on Bobby relentlessly and breaking his balls (like the Dr Drew episode).

I gotta watch the video version, I just listened to the audio podcast and Bobby keeps pointing at things.

I'm looking at the instagram post of this episode and it has A LOT of celebrity viewers. Bobby must really be loving this. lol. Even Avril Lavigne and Jewel have seen it (I think its time Bobby ask Jewel to be on his podcast and remind her of that time she bumped his spot).

[u/krazyboi]

As far as I'm concerned this is the Tigerbelly episode this week.

[u/mitochonpriya]

To preface this comment, I need to say: I've always liked bobby for bobby, his story, his history.

but goddamn he looks good here. I kept waiting for the camera to cut to him bc he looks so effing cute.

kinda feel weird saying that because his weight loss is most likelydue to his battle with addiction and I don't want to glamorize that. but either way, he's a gd cutie pie.

[u/bluecornholio]

witchbitch 😐

[u/nbayoungboy1994]

Love her 🤤

[u/designerdad]

Witch Bitch.