Bill Burr Funniest Podcast Moments

[Music] we discovered that there's the weirdest story anybody's ever said oh it's the serial killer like tonne of the histories a complete lack of emotion thank you yes yeah you know what and I know but missing from our stories the sound of somebody gagged screaming in the other room right now I know that you yeah and I know that you suspect that my husband is a psycho I've heard I've heard about use yeah no I know and I've actually yeah and I've been trying to prove this on this show for it's just like you know is like Bud in his Bud Light there's like psycho and psycho light like he just he's not the the high-calorie one that can't get married and have kids right yes but if you if his thoughts were a movie yeah definitely nc-17 yeah he's a functioning psychopath yeah you know why because when I started dating involved this is a true story when I started dating Tom Segura back in 205 there were red flags little stuff like when we were remembering dead animals behind you you know in the beginning you're all lovey-dovey and uh and he'd be like I like you so much I like you so much I just want to gouge your eyes out I want to squish your face and kill you and and put a sledgehammer in your head like that stuff Tom you're like I love you so much I just want to smash your goddamn head in I'm being serious you know somebody said that about my kid one time oh my God look at those feet I just want to cut them off and I was just like [ __ ] lunatic yeah right there you can't you can't be with a person like that so we got a guest room well I'm two kids deep now I think I used to say like I want to put your head through that dress yes yeah yeah but I was like as an expression of love right and there were other things to like because you don't like love and you hate that it makes you feel weak or something that you want to violently take it out right exactly right yeah and you know it worked out it did actually are you frustrated that you knew you had no control over the love that you had for your wife so then then you just used starting to feel trapped I think it was more of like I didn't know how to express how good I felt you know he tried to play like dim witted they're calculated yeah you're everything you need to be to make in this business yeah just get creative and just be floating around like oh that tickles my artistic fantasy you have to have a plan where you can talk about oh can you believe this guy said that about someone on a podcast and it just becomes like you know yeah my rule became you guys you guys don't have this luxury you have to like have discipline and like do like do jokes and those are gonna involve the rest of the world but my rule became because I'm babbling I had to go okay it's at the end of my nose we're all you know I can confess I can talk about anything no one if I talked about you know a Sharpie pen Jim and sharp a pen like yeah I try it because I read I read a playboy article about the prostate getting stimulated and stuff and so I try to sharpie pen but and then there's some hand sanitizer on it or something first or just find a pen and I that pen is the thing that got dirty not me way to go squirting ink the camp is designed to be like a grappling hook you wouldn't want to actually put that up there hey you know you always learned stelae Jim you got to learn but so well it was fine enough I mean something in your butt is better than something not in your butt I guess is what we find out but the problem is is it worth like you so then you finish orgasming and you're you got to go back to staples and now and now now you were 30 there's traffic they have to gingerly pull a pen out of your ass that wasn't worth this moment you think I'm actually going up but you think he got offered that he's [ __ ] Joanie yeah no but I figured you know they'd be like it's bill bird [ __ ] let's take a look bilberry sells no movie tickets he sold out an improv hey didn't you have a clip from a bill show oh is this here I don't know our producer says us folders of [ __ ] I don't know this is it what is this black guys who love the [ __ ] [ __ ] good if you're a hot black guy you want to [ __ ] me at 2395 if you want to move and you can move in but you gotta [ __ ] me I mean I need to be [ __ ] a lot man get ripped free free free rent and everything else man and the deal man that from your show no I'm just fascinated by that guy that's about as free as it gets mother sees that free rent you get free food the reason why he's alone is he suffocates you yeah yeah he's a very needy very I need to be [ __ ] and he [ __ ] sounds like you know if you were into that that he'd be enjoyable for about two three days tire you out yeah then from jail homeless or your thug gonna come move in a friend come home with you man free rent to go decent aqui [ __ ] piss somebody beat me at home you know you see me when I come over today and try it out try it out man what do you think now I'm just trying to think what happened he definitely was not built up as a child know all that stuff beat me pee on me and all that it's just like your parents are just I think this whole childhoods were just yelling you're not good enough yeah it's probably disappointing you I wish the kid across the street was my son and not use this horrible [ __ ] I felt bad for that guy I know but I'm it's funny however yeah but you know what's funny is like he so hates himself that he just [ __ ] it he doesn't give a [ __ ] yeah I mean how do you get like this no how does he have a jolly what do you mean rent-free like what are you doing does he drive like a UPS truck and like well you know what he does in his own time he's but we can't give him any black and I partners though that deliver in the white neighborhoods so we keep that side of my what do you think about drug use what do you think's going yeah I think he's a little high yeah the eyes are pretty serious I think but that's such a crazy mustache that if he shaved that off I don't think I'd recognize him I didn't even really think about the mustache it's a good point every Cheech Marin yeah it's like dated it's very good look and if he wants to attract my piss let me try it out here's applied homeless [ __ ] man I'm looking for hardcore guys I mean it do it mean it I want to deliver it I'm a high pop my trash come dump let's [ __ ] true it's a good offer I meant free he's a hot [ __ ] dumpster yeah he's got a lot going on doesn't he have enough pain in his life he's got to be on this show too you know that wasn't like low-hanging that was actually if you did that in a movie if that was the character you would be nominated because that was an amazing performance I actually what I was kind of addicted to was his cadence yeah the way he he had a very unique way of see you know now he's 40 but when those came out he's mid third crazy [ __ ] oh you mean putting a blindfold on smoking a cigarette and letting Bulls the Russell was young run him over all those yeah oh my god the rest of them are way younger so it's like a couple crazy kids nah man try not to damage I go to Seth all of those guys were [ __ ] lunatics some of the [ __ ] that they even just little baby turtle dude just stuck his nose and he's like yeah there's no [ __ ] way because you never know like what if it just clips the end of your nose and just takes that off on well what about what about I said to Steve I go what scares you the most cuz I mean anything that usually anything with venomous snakes her big cats oh did you oh is it the wild boys that was a cult yeah where he got the wild red zebra in a lion's cage but they had homeboy though he said he took he told me one time they they took headgear that you wear in boxing yeah just sparring and he wrapped that around his neck and like they just was sort of running along you had to have somebody with a gun you know Steve Jose and guys well they had a king cobra they put the guy in the [ __ ] in a horse I think it was a like a stable who's the other kid Bam Margera no no they on the wild well Oh Chris Pontus Pontus do he kissed a cobra on its head the thing was that is [ __ ] insane they can't get a vase you're gonna die that's a bad situation steve-o still doing crazy [ __ ] and he's back then he was on drugs and stuff now he's sober and he's taking the show on the road still doing crazy [ __ ] he's sober tattoo everybody gets a tattoo of a snake so he goes like that's you know what we want I want to have a snake bite and then get a tattoo of the bite so there was like this [ __ ] Python laying there and he just starts I got a kiss how could you got the [ __ ] camera strikes and like wasn't aiming just like these guys just pulling this [ __ ] snake off them and then while it was still bleeding they just you're insane me nuts they're nuts I don't know what a quip is so the new toothbrush oh you know you look you're looking to write a prescription I feel like this is the end of a therapy session I'm gonna send you a clip okay just let me say what is equip it's a toothbrush is it a good one yeah it's really good fancy we're really fancy one please try it out is this how you handle your relationships and people what I was just should have bitched about something bigger yeah [ __ ] hate my car you know I get you a car now you've been with your lovely wife for how long how long you guys been together Oh like 14 15 years [ __ ] yeah it's good run I love them more than ever it's nice I know it's refreshing I hate when people hate their spouses you can always hi [ __ ] about her onstage but I love it no but you meant it I [ __ ] saw that bit and you meant it alright don't yell at me so put my head through the dresser you're always looking for ways to spice it up every relationship is one ring that to me I'm wondering if that's what you're looking at you don't say that I'm you will consider something different Scottie oh with ecstatic hearts Tantra and we just want to share that there are many ways to orgasm mm-hmm you don't actually have to be having sex just from hmm you know it's funny is they like if you switch their hair they could be each other yeah but thank God because if I did not be I can't imagine trying to make a living as an actor and and even though I work they don't pay actors anymore you know I it would have been I would I would have gone crazy anybody that's thinking about doing what you have to do you have to the same way you get into stand-up or get into anything you have to do it because you love it yeah and then if you love it you'll have a passion and you will stick with it despite what's going on but if you don't love it it's being a comedian or an actor or be in construction I got construction and I didn't love it too I lasted eight days eight days dude I have never been that [ __ ] existing run I remember I couldn't make enough sandwiches I would be eating three sandwiches for lunch and I was still losing weight still losing weight we were roofing in July my favorite part of that that [ __ ] job in the eight days was we had to do you know you snapped a chalk line to line the thing up on the board we were doing it in the basement of the house that which was all [ __ ] dirt and it was actually cooled down and we were redoing this house and I remember I'm hanging outside an unfinished window sticking the thing up making this scaffolding for this Irish guy who kept going Billy I must work quicker and I was like listen man I never put one of these [ __ ] things up before you want me to go faster I'll go faster he's like gosh I [ __ ] shite and right over the fence was this house with a pool and it was summer vacation there was kids like my age and you could see was like the quarterback of the football team these hot chicks and all that's my whole life and they would every one time I was just going what the [ __ ] am I doing with I have my whole life oh [ __ ] be miserable I should be doing what Dec I mean dude they were just like like that's it because it was so good looking you could tell they were popula he didn't have one ounce of guilt like me if I stretched out I would look down over I would've like started cleaning the blue felt guilty this guy had no guilt he did everything but just sit there drinking iced tea and give me the little toodaloo there was a guy on the construction site to wear the same jeans every day and he had no underwear on and there was a right to the left of his [ __ ] junk wick with a pocket should be and I'm in one point I was bent down picking something up and he stepped over something in the whole movement but he was the brother of the guy I was working for dude you want to put some [ __ ] something some Evel Knievel [ __ ] underwear wrap it up right over and you know I thought it was weird then but now like you know with all the information now above [ __ ] weird like like I thought he was he was getting he was getting off on something no here's my situation you [ __ ] [ __ ] a prepubescent college boy I'll do I mean that was it was so [ __ ] shocking like if I sat down with the police sketch artist okay yeah I'm talking about where they're like the the morbidly obese runway modeling and you're like but we're beautiful and you're like I don't think I think if you're gonna be in a movie you should be if you're gonna get naked on film and TV and movie you should be in the best [ __ ] shaking possibly yeah or you go the other way for the laugh right what you're doing it for the left but like to sit there and just show off and unworked out body and say that that's brave right it's like the brave 'ti is the person who has to look at it yeah because listen we all look at each other's [ __ ] regular bodies you know it when you're a relationship yeah because you love the other person right you you have to love somebody right you don't I mean that's what's amazing about beautiful people is you're not in love with them but you can see them naked right like that's how that's that's that's really in shape right I mean I know the whole idea is like no one want you to see me naked I joke you know what I look like naked I look like I have the exact same body is the Pink Panther just a big head and it's just straight down no ass and then I have like the Pink Panther it was like a first trimester yeah like and but there was but we live in an age though that if I was completely naked I would be called brave courageous rather than [ __ ] rude yeah and inconsiderate to make you guys look at me oh yeah I mean I've been asked I mean be shirtless I'm like it's disgusting like is it for because it's funny because if it's going to be funny that's one thing but like if like it can I act like I think I'm good-looking right right then I would do it right but if I'm gonna do it like yeah man areas this is my body deal with it and and and and literally put the pressure on you to not laugh at me and ridicule me as I am living in such a world of [ __ ] delusion I don't have any [ __ ] pigment yeah just for me you no matter what shape I got into to take my shirt off I would be blinding people right yeah I have other things that I'm good at right okay so you're the non-binary comedian very good yeah good here's another vine by the way they didn't mention I'm going to be wearing a dress yes okay would you rather everywhere you go you have to run to get there I'm out doing that I don't even care what the next one is my back can't take it it's literally like you go to the next room in your house to say five no always running in ever stretching just always running someone knocked on your front door you have to run there used to run on stage or join Isis Isis let's get those [ __ ] infidels or every time you speak you're shouting so you're basically a toddler you're your soul it hurt my voice to Dorsey of course neither of these are going to be fun you have to go like the phony hello yeah like that you always you see everything in that range I understand I would just ignore people so then I wouldn't have to talk to him and then when they I just wait till they save my name 10 times and I'd be like what so it made sense there's the loophole you need your health in am i I bite my body would just hurt so much if I think is that you're sweet what you love be like Bill yeah yeah do you think you get yeah and then your sweet daughter but I could explain to what you're gonna have to do the purchase yeah whispered during the movie [Laughter] I actually that would be fun my wife was into it I would just be totally having sex I would just take a pillow around but if you run everywhere you'd be in great shape there you go and you can maintain your human relationships yeah you wouldn't yell it but it's it's as simple it's like you have to go piss in the middle tonight no but I would be miserable would start yelling at people because your body can't take that yeah yeah but you get used to it what do you mean you begin in fantastic shapes right I used to say you start singing a song right that would have been perfect the Loess changed the world I had this really bad habit from just growing up in the 70s in the Midwest like when I was in the Edit Bay working on community as late as 2010 I would say take that back let's what's the saying ah that's gay get rid of that like I was still I was still doing that I can I had to like there's been a it was a sea change during these last five years like I I like had to up because I and then I found out what it was is I shouldn't be saying that anyway what I found out the editor was gay and and realized I had been non-stop using that word just to mean like ain't dumb [ __ ] you know and it saw and then I apologized to him and then his the way he accepted the apology broke my heart cuz it was like he was because he was like yeah that word just reminds me of a lot of stuff you know is and it was like God really you know it's like it used to mean happy and I was weren't really happy and I mean you never heard them complain when it got hijacked like the really happy people didn't like protest that word you cement we're really enjoying our today you guys turn around and took it

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 986,864

Keywords: bill burr, bill burr funniest podcast moments, yinyangmonkey, funny clips, bill burr funny, podcast compilation, stand up comedy

Id: 6yFY04GbGi8

Length: 22min 39sec (1359 seconds)

Published: Thu May 30 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/TattedUp]

Jesus christ the whole channel is just stolen content. I turned the adblocker off and the videos are showing commercials; is this fuck trying to make money off the views too?

[u/Rysan7]

The bit at 1830 when he started yelling actually made me cry laughing. That never happens to me anymore. Best bit in the video

[u/[deleted]]

It pisses me off to no end when people have ads on stolen videos. Why should you get that money instead of Bill?

[u/TattedUp]

If this were a montage of MMPC moments I probably wouldn't tell you to fuck off with this stolen recycled content.