Biggest Lies Ever (Reddit Compilation)

have your childhood fibs ever had serious consequences my mom tells me that the first day after preschool i told her i had a really bad time when she asked why i told a story of how i was locked in the game closet there was a big closet at the daycare filled with games and i couldn't get out i told her i could look through the little crack in the door and see all the other kids playing and i was screaming mommy help but mommy never came my mum taking the news as any mother would cried and cried and went to the daycare for answers they said they saw me playing and being happy with the other kids the whole time but she believed me until the next day when i came home and told her that me and my friend burned the preschool down with matches and then all the little kids danced around the fire then all the little kids danced around the fire that's just priceless when i was younger i told my mom that i saw a leprechaun on the way home from school she told me that she didn't believe me but i kept insisting i even told her the boy across the street saw it too so after i got bored of telling the story i went to my room a few minutes later my mom comes running into my room going through my closet and telling me to get ready because the news is coming over panic has now set in why is the news coming over in which she replies because it's not every day someone sees a leprechaun so i called them i start bullying my eyes out telling her i didn't really see a leprechaun and i don't want to lie to the news she then calms me down and tells me she didn't call the news and to also never lie to her again can't tell if your mom's a genius or a butthole kind of unrelated when my friend's dad was in middle school a band came and performed at assembly one afternoon sort of a marching band type thing he and his friends were sitting on one side of the auditorium and started discussing the band they would like to form and who would play what instrument they called over to another friend of theirs lucas who was sitting on the other side of the bleachers lucas they cried we're starting a band you're going to play flute cool replied lucas in excitement lucas came to school the next day with a flute hey guys he asked the group of friends when's our first practice the friends blinked at him lucas we were kidding we're not really forming a band lucas laughed sheepishly then he went home and told his dad that it had been a misunderstanding his dad told him i didn't raise a quitter lucas then took flute lessons for the next three years not sure he ever forgave my friend's dad and the others lucas is the real life version of butters i told my friend in second grade that this other kid at school was a bad guy and he was on the run from the police my friend confronted him and the bad guy kid punched my friend in the eye i see the bad guy kid regularly now in a professional capacity and sure if he knows or remembers he remembers he is just beginning phase two in his plan to destroy your career better kill him first to be safe if you watch p and don't admit to it when your mum checks your browsing history i was young and naive your dad's gonna have a bad time i was chased by a barking dog and i slipped on my way up the hill gashing my knee when i got home i wanted others to appreciate my escape so i told my parents i was chased and bitten of course they said we must find this dog so we went around the neighborhood looking for it in case it had rabies i knew where it was so we went there and we met the dog its owners showed us how nice it was i petted it and liked it and i couldn't in good conscience blame the dog it was a border collie this went on and on around the neighborhood lots of dogs for about three hours until we exhausted dogs and decided it must have been a stray eight rabies shots later i had learned my lesson about 20 years ago in seventh grade i forgot that it was my girlfriend's birthday scrambling to figure something out before we met up after the first class of the day i jotted down the lyrics to dire straits romeo and juliet and said i wrote it for her about how ten years high school reunion she said that she still has it and cherishes it it's the best poem anyone's ever written for her the greatest note she ever got blah blah blah i couldn't bring myself to fess up so i kept up the lie i wish i could be there to see the look on her face when she eventually crosses paths with that song and it starts to sink in haha i read this really awesome kids book in second grade about a grandmother who sleeps in the bathtub or something like that whatever it was about a really weird family with odd habits and it reminded me of my family nine of us including uncles cousins and my grandmother all lived in the same house so i went home and i told my family the story over dinner i started telling it like a joke without introducing where i had heard it from after i was finished telling it they all laughed so hard like it was the most amazing thing in the world best story ever then my mother goes wow we knew you should be a writer but this takes a cake we need to write this down and see if we can get it published way to go she presumed i came up with it myself i didn't correct her she fought with me for 10 years trying to get me to write it down telling me i was a genius i still didn't correct her after a few years once i was old enough to understand the seriousness of plagiarism i was too frightened to admit that i feb even though it was a mistake the worst part i really do want to be a writer it's all i've ever wanted to be whenever i bring up the topic of my dreams my mother gets very frustrated that i refuse to seek publishing for the bathtub story she'll read what i have written and say it's not as good as the bathtub story you should write that one down and my dreams take a tiny beating all my work gets compared to a story i didn't even write because i wasn't brave enough to admit to her fib if i tell the truth now my mother will kill me she's told all her friends and our family the story fml tl dr accidentally took credit for a story i didn't write in second grade family now compares all my legit writing to the plagiarized story and isn't satisfied with the quality of my actual work in comparison i've never told anyone this not really a consequence when i was a kid my mom owned her own store and over the weekend i would always follow her to work although there wasn't a lot to do i really liked going with her because there was a hobby store a couple of stores down i was in that phase with all the ugr cards and magic the gathering and those mini go-kart track cars well i really wanted to buy all these things and i didn't have the money so i would steal money from my mom from her register purse while she wasn't looking and i mean lots of it probably a couple hundred and this was every weekend well my mom got suspicious because the weekends was when she would count her profits money to manage her employees paychecks she noticed a huge discrepancy she started to take her more precautions and i got even more sneakier i knew what i was doing was wrong and i felt bad she set up some cameras and locks somehow i got through them but after a while i stopped i just felt really bad luckily however this led to another scandal my mom was looking into all her assets credit card etc apparently someone stole her identity it was one of her employees and she just find out her employee was also stealing money the same time i was well my mom took her to court the whole shabang and couple of months later my mom sued if that's right got most of her money back including what i stole except for cost of lawyers and got her employee in jail i got pretty lucky and no one knows except you guys now i'd sneak money back into her purse now that i have money seems like a decent thing to do at least for the lawyer costs a few friends of mine and i were playing mary poppins which involved us climbing a tree getting on the roof of the house and jumping off onto the trampoline while holding an umbrella this was a truly stupid idea and of course someone got hurt one of the kids bounced into the side of the house and broke his arm we told all of our parents that he did this all on his own and he got into a lot of trouble he was pretty much banned from hanging out with anyone because he was a bad seed maybe that doesn't sound so serious but it definitely made for a shittier childhood for him when he would see us playing together and he knew he couldn't join in i still feel awful about it i walked halfway to school on my own when i was about six i just felt so pleased with myself and eager to show off my walking prowess that i decided i had to sup up my story a little so that my friends were a little more impressed anyway i told them that my mum had had a car crash on the way to school and she told me to walk the rest of the way on my own while the ambulance came a little bit far-fetched and stupid but i was weird like that anyway news must have gotten around because fast forward to home time and a whole bunch of teachers had approached my mum in the playground and asked her if she was okay she obviously had no idea what they were going on about eventually a teacher said that i had been saying that she had been in a car crash in the morning she said that i must have been lying when we got home she gave me a big lecture on why you shouldn't tell lies and made me sit on the naughty stair not exactly serious consequences but it seemed like it's a six-year-old me lost it at naughty stare i told lies all the time when i was little my best one was in kindergarten right after my little sister was born i think i needed attention or something i came in from recess one day and decided it would be fun to lose my memory i kept saying where am i who are you etc i really freaked the teachers out by the time my mom got there my principal was in tears my mom took me home pretending to be all concerned but she saw right through my act when reminiscing about this story she always likes to finish with you with such a little crap when i was in middle school some friends and i were really into team fortress classic we would talk about it all the time during school one day i was lying about some awesome maneuver involving throwing a hand grenade when a teacher in the hallway overheard me apparently she only picked up on the word grenade and i was reported to the office they pulled me out of my next class searched my locker searched the lockers of all my friends and called my parents to come in and speak with the assistant principal my mom blew up at the administration rightfully so and i ended up being on their shitless for the remainder of middle school which also resulted in a note in my file for high school whoops my mom blew up at the administration excellent unintentional pun when i was six my friend and i decided after school that we should cut up our t-shirts with scissors we basically clipped them into swiss cheese when we got home and my mother asked what happened to our shirts we casually explained that two fifth graders terrifying people really ran up to us with scissors and started cutting out shirts next thing i know i'm called into the school to testify about who did this as they lined up several likely culprits and just needed our official word not realizing what i had done we simply confessed acting like it was obvious the whole time and we couldn't believe anyone had believed our initial story oh to think of the insane manhunts that went down due to children's misunderstanding of the consequences of lying well i sort of febbed but i thought it was part of a game there was this girl in my primary school and our parents were friends so we'd be round each other's houses quite a bit and she thought up this game we just called it lies not too imaginative all you had to do was try and get the adults to believe some stupid lie mostly we did silly things like i threw the cat on the roof and laura started a fire in the bath that one got a reaction though i'll admit just stupid things but you won if they believe you anyway on one of our sleepovers she said she was too scared to sleep on her own so she asked for the double bed for the two of us which was fine because why not i'm a kid however it was not fine and she was pretending to be asleep while getting worried too handsy for comfort not providing details here and getting closer and closer to me and i kept pushing her off and trying to wake her up but with no reaction so i went to tell my parents that she wouldn't leave me alone the most i could manage to say getting freaked out and all and they never believed me and just sent me back in there repeatedly i spent all night sat on the floor at the foot of the bed because she boy who cried wolf fed me one of my fibs almost caused an international incident my father used to be a higher level scientist working at sandia national laboratories i was in second grade at a time and friends with a kid whom i'll refer to as joe one day joe and i were out digging in the sand that lined our playground when i started telling a story about how i'd been conscripted as a spy for some secret shadow organization joe was bright enough to wonder why such a clandestine group would be stupid enough to enlist a kid so i told him that they were actually interested in my father but that they needed my cooperation as well since the two of us my father and i have the same name i ended the story by saying that my entire family was going to move to las vegas by the end of the month at the time i didn't think much of it i mean come on it was just some crazy fabrication and if i'd been called on it i would have confessed as it happened though i wasn't called on it not until joe reiterated the entire thing to his parents that wouldn't have been so bad except that joe's father was one of the security administrators for sandia and he took the tale very seriously the day after i'd told my little fib my mother sat me down and had a talk with me she asked why i told such a terrible lie and insisted that she had taught me better than that i didn't really understand what was so bad until she told me that joe's father had personally interviewed my father about my story which was a stroke of insane luck if he had filed an official report there would have been some pretty far-reaching consequences for my father for the laboratory where he worked and for the ukrainian scientist who had come from las vegas less than a week prior tl dr second graders should not be spies boy that escalated quickly i used to go to my cousin's grandparents farm when my aunt was still married to their dad i don't think i could have been older than four once while visiting there i went with them and their dad fishing in a pond i remember being suddenly filled with terror at the edge of that pond a crocodile lurking under the water i live in the united states in an area devoid of any large reptiles but hey i was little i ran back to the house and later when i went to the bathroom the toilet frightened me as well would the crack come through the pipes to bite me on my butt i didn't want to find out i held it in a few days later i was home and i finally peed bit my pp what i called my vagina hurt and itched i had an infection and when i was asked what happened i made something up i lied a lot as a child i told them my older cousin who was like 10 had put ladybugs in my underwear years later my mom told me this made her think he had touched me or something and no amount of me explaining my childish fears would soothe her such wtf when i was eight or nine i had some kind of spooky theme activity book you know with word puzzles and searches and all that junk to keep a young mind occupied i was doing one of those decode the secret message puzzles where you had to use the keypad on a phone to determine what the letters were when for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to call the number i was supposed to be decoding it was some unreasonable amount of digits long but i still managed to reach some family's voicemail i figured since i was doing a spooky themed book i should leave a spooky message genius i can't remember what i said but i vaguely recall it being pretty unsettling i hung up then went outside to play few hours later my parents started asking if my siblings and i had used the phone at any point well of course i say no heck if i'm getting in trouble they take our word for it i guess whatever i had said had been just that creepy that my parents figure i wouldn't have been capable of saying it and start getting worried apparently the people i'd left the message for her back traced the number and called my mom to tell her about it she was now freaking out that someone had broken into our house and was still hiding somewhere inside they even considered calling the cops i felt awful but i never told them the truth once they backtrace it consequences will never be the same once they call the internet police i was crossing the canadian border with my dad when i was like 10 or so and i thought it would be hilarious to tell the border guard i had no idea who the strange man accompanying me was my dad's face turned went from normal to shock to anger very quickly and we were detained for a short while despite me saying it was a joke my dad was not happy with me and it wasn't that hilarious this wasn't childhood it was teenage years but yeah it was the morning of four stroke 20 and driving randomly in my truck we find a good condition couch being thrown out my friend and i grabbed it and threw it in the back cue an awesome day of smoking and riding around on a couch in the bed of the truck general 420 fun a couple days later we need to ditch the couch living on campus and being stupid didn't have much place to do it so we pulled to a local park and decided to leave it on the ground by a picnic table so we could have it there in the future for chillin yo as we put it on the ground this guy comes over and starts yelling at us to put it back we're like dude we're just leaving this here for a friend he'll be by to pick it up then he pulls out a badge and he's an off-duty cop crap so he takes my details for illegal dumping and i leave with the couch it rides around in the back with me for a few days before i see my parents again i told them the story i didn't get in trouble so they thought it was pretty humorous but i still had to get rid of it and they didn't want it at the end of their driveway so i took it back to campus in a different jurisdiction than that cops and illegally dumped it at the side of the parking lot this time without getting caught my parents asked what happened to it i didn't want to tell them i repeated the stupid illegal mistake but they wouldn't find it funny twice so i quickly told them it was stolen out of my truck pretty convenient hey someone came up and took it good for them they were very upset they thought this was awful news suddenly they think i live on a terrible campus full of crime nothing is safe people bringing their own trucks to rob other cars in the parking lot they made me file a police report anyways and my pleas of the couch was trash and i didn't want it had no effect i had to then speak with an officer about it and how it went missing what a coincidence the campus police had located my couch dumped into the ditch by my very own parking lot funny thing that i hadn't even seen it there then they returned it to me and i had no choice but to accept it i finally drove the couch far away to some neighborhood and dropped it off at the end of someone else's driveway they watched me from the window but didn't do anything now my mom flips out when i'll leave things in the back of the truck unattended for even brief times or bringing anything valuable to campus there are thieves afoot tl dr stole a couch and had a hard time getting rid of it had to lie to the police and make written records and reports of my lie when i was around seven years old my sister and i were selling lemonade in front of our house we were racking in the cash when this guy in a black suv pulls up he asks us if we've seen his kid go by on a scooter we both respond nope and the guy pulls away about half an hour later we tell our mom this story of how this guy came looking for his son and asked us to get in the car with him and assist him in locating him i said he offered us candy as a reward or some crap like that if we found him my mom being the responsible parent freaked out and called the police lol loops but several cops come to our house for questioning and we tell them the exact same story the cops say that they will do their best to find this man and bring him in for questioning i don't know what happened after that a substitute teacher in third grade humiliated me when i gave a stupid answer to a question i thought milk was cow's pee she mocked me and then went on to explain milk came from cows unders just like milk from a woman's breast i went home and told my mom my teacher was talking about her boobs in class as my mom asked more questions i contrived how she was squeezing them and talking about how big they were that substitute was never invited back i don't like what you did but the thought of a substitute that humiliated children when they gave incorrect answers not being invited back doesn't really bother me when i was a kid i actually loved school and had perfect attendance one day i got sick and had to stay home for some reason i thought that illness was not a proper excuse to not go so the next day i told my teacher my grandmother had died and i had gone to her funeral she decided to call my parents to offer her condolences the next week my grandmother actually ended up in the hospital due to a bad fall it wasn't my fault but i felt guilty for lying about it when i was around six i told my older step-siblings about this girl i had a crush on for some reason i convinced them that i had sex with her the summer before despite not having much of a clue what i was talking about i made up a bunch of details where and when we did it etc apparently they believed me a few days later my sister found some reason to blackmail me and threatened to tell my dad about it of course he overheard our little fight and i ended up in his room with my stepmom having a closed door very serious talk i didn't have the words to explain myself i tried to tell them it was all a lie but they insisted that i explain exactly what i had said to my sister i was crying which to them implied that what i said was true really i was mortified at having to repeat it all to them they refuse to believe that i made it up so to this day my dad and stepmom think that i lost my vaginity in kindergarten i lost my virginity in kindergarten just keep up this lie your whole life in fourth grade many of the kids decided getting glasses would be a fun idea even though we didn't need them so we all managed to convince our parents that we did need them now nearly 10 years later i'm still being told i have a prescription for glasses that needs to be fulfilled that i don't need in the second grade i lied about what i did over summer vacation i was wearing a hand-me-down shirt from the hard rock cafe in some town that i do not remember and said that we went there and that is where i got the shirt i felt bad because i went to a public school that had a bunch of rich kids and i was poor and they all went on awesome vacations and i did nothing my teacher found out tried to bust me out and eventually got fired over trying to bust me out unhelpful elementary teacher sees you lie about going on an awesome vacation to rich kids tries to bust you and humiliate you in front of everyone when i was in seventh grade i made a baseball bat in woodshop the day i finished i was so proud and i brought it home my mom hadn't gotten home from work yet and the neighbor kid had come over to check it out and noticed my bb gun next to the back door i told him it was a crappy gun you could see the bb come out of it because it was so underpowered and that i could even shoot the window of my dad's truck and it wouldn't break i had done this before and it didn't first shot bam broken window told the parents i hit a baseball through it because if my dad had found out i was playing with the gun while nobody was home my butt would have been beaten nobody was mad i just had to clean up the mess six moths later i'm playing with the dog in the yard and i roll over and feel a nice stinging on my arm one of the tiny shards of safety glass cut my arm open about six inches and 20 stitches were required maybe it's not really a fib going badly but after that day i definitely believed in karma when i was in the 4th grade i dropped a softball down the 5 inches sewer drain in our backyard it fit just perfectly and i left it there later that night the toilets were backing up and my dad as he usually did enlisted my help to teach me about how to fix problems around the house we went into the backyard and it was flooded with crap water he knelt down into the crap and placed his hand into the mouth of the sewer drain but he couldn't get it down he looked at me and said you're gonna have to reach down there since your arms are the smallest in the house i knelt down and reached into the drain the crap water was about six inches from my face and i was about shoulder deep in it when i pulled the ball out covered in toilet paper my dad looked at me accusingly and i could only reply i saw the dog playing with the ball earlier i guess there weren't severe consequences but it was a fit nonetheless not childhood but this happened in my teens this might get confusing but i had been dating a girl named all of these names are fake chelsea for a year we broke up when she moved to college during my junior year she was older but were still on and off so we haven't been dating for a month or so and i get to myspace message from a girl i had met recently at a concert we'll call her kelly she asked if i wanted to come hang out with her and her friend alex she also said they were home alone cool i'll be over in a bit keep in mind i have only met one of these girls very briefly and don't know much about her i get out to her house and she lives near chelsea's parents house this kind of worried me because chelsea and i were in different school districts and lived about 15 miles 24 km apart so it was unusual that i'd run into someone that she might know i get to the house and i end up having a threesome with them immediately after kelly starts going off about how great of a boyfriend i would be and how she would want to date me after some small talk i figure out that she goes to the school chelsea went to though they don't know each other and she is friends with some people chelsea is friends with i get a little worried that chelsea might find out about this i was planning on going to the same school as her the next year and if she found out it might ruin things so i dip out over there over the next month i get a frick load of texts from kelly almost non-stop i didn't respond so finally she stops texting me a month after that i get a text from chelsea's best friend sam whom i haven't talked to in the months did you have a threesome with kelly and alexa number i know who they are though kelly has been stalking me on the myspace it's freaking creepy haha yeah sounded too weird to be true they're telling everybody in their friend group that it happened well sam ends up telling everybody that kelly and alex are liars they lose all of their friends trust and a lot of them stop talking to kelly and alex i still feel really bad about it tldr i had a threesome with some girls i lie about it and say i didn't the girls lose a lot of their friends what is the longest running lie you have continued to tell i was seeing this girl once back in college that was also a workout buddy after our classes she had really bad body odor when she got to sweating but we are in the gym a lot so of course it's going to happen however instead of just telling her about it i told her i could never notice it because i didn't have a sense of smell well this lie spread from this one girl all the way to my family that still believes that i don't have a sense of smell it's been eight years and i still can't add to any conversations about the smell of rain or a new candle that somebody bought i'm in too deep at this point so i'm gonna ride this bee out till they put me in the ground when i first started dating my ex-wife i told her my little brother was samoan but this is because though he is six years younger than me he is about six inches taller much broader and his hair is way dark compared to the rest of the family she didn't think anything of it met my brother she even understood that we both had the same parents it just never clicked with her she would bring it up occasionally and i'd just go along with it eventually she brought it up at a family dinner and my whole family was like what then we got divorced don't really do it anymore but for years in middle and high school i would tell everyone that me and another kid were related since we had the same last name since i knew it annoyed him my sister and i used to tell people we weren't related at all we just lived together because get parents kicked her out of the house and one of my classmates and i convinced all the freshmen that we were brother and sister but our parents were divorced they believed until about two years later when we joked about dating i didn't want crab salad my wife then gf had made so i told her i was allergic to shellfish continued for about 10 years when we went to go visit my family in ca and didn't want to pass up this awesome seafood place i got better at the beginning of the year in school we were all supposed to tell the class one interesting thing we had done over the summer and i of course had stayed home and done nothing all summer but i didn't want everyone else to know that so when it came to be my turn i just made something up for some reason the first thing that came to my head was africa and that's what i said that i went to africa for years i've had to remember who heard that and to keep my lie going it has been the most stressful thing i've ever done at least africa was nice though i wrote erotica for many years before i switched over to romance novels glorious filth that basically allowed me to pay off my student loans if anyone in my family asks i was writing corporate reports no one has ever asked me what a corporate report is thankfully because i'm pretty sure my response would be something along the lines of you know it's business stuff for businesses followed by me repeating the word synergy until they went away explanation of public and private relationships with deep physical market penetration in both standard and non-standard openings discussion of implausible firm members performing for unrealistic time frames resulting in overly expressive artificial outcomes i posted this a while back many years ago back in our teenage years my younger sister landed her first job and was so proud that she was able to use her own money to buy christmas presents for her siblings but while not extravagant her gift to me was a box of chocolate covered mints now i'm not a big fan of said mints but i could see how much it meant to her so i pretend like they were delicious like full-on savoring every bite i'm talking some meryl streep level acting so much so that i finish the box in minutes flat this makes such an impression on her that she has bought the same chocolate covered mints for me very year since it's been almost 30 years that i've kept up the charade this is where it gets dark about five years ago i met my wife on our first christmas together she's looking for cute ideas on what to buy me cue her talking to my family and it comes out how much i love chocolate covered mints i get them every year my sister says and always finish the box before eating breakfast wife thinks this is a perfect way to celebrate our first holiday together a little taste of home now for the past five years the lie i had only had to live through on christmas has become the living heck of each and every week no one knows my secret shame any time my wife wants to surprise me with a sweet [ __ ] chocolate covered mints when my sister and i were kids we were sleeping on an inflatable mattress at home we had just gotten back from the seaside and weren't quite ready to part with it so we got to sleep on it one last night well rather than sleep we were playing jumping etc and at one point my sister jumped and broke of ours that my parents had gotten as a present when they got married from quite close friends it always had candy in it my mom rushed in my sister started crying and i immediately started apologizing saying how i accidentally knocked it over i didn't mean to etc etc i got my boss chewed out for that but my younger sister just kept crying the mattress was immediately taken away of course and we went to bed now it's 20 years later my parents still think that i was the one who broke it when we get together one of us will sometimes mention it in passing not how i thought that story was going to turn out username added hint of nsw but congrats on your pure soul amazing there are people still out there uncorrupted by the internet already growing up my brother mom and i went to visit my grandma one day on the way home we found a puppy on the side of the road and brought it home with us we had that dog for like 12 14 years he passed away last july he was a huge german shepherd like six feet long from snout to the end of his tale he was as big as our saint bernard because my grandma lives in the mountain area we live in the foothills we would always joke that he was a vault or something that we just brought home nope my mom took me and my brother to the pound that day to pick out a puppy because she wanted one only us three and the internet no and we still haven't told our dad or our other siblings not so much a lie as an omission of truth when i was 15 my parents and siblings went out of state and i was left to house sit and mind the dogs wasn't supposed to have anyone over but of course i did so my two friends and i had taken out all my dad's guns and spread them out on the floor in the living room just to mess around with them the only loaded gun was the .357 revolver which i unloaded pretty much just dry firing them a couple times anyways when we were done i reloaded the revolver and told mike i reloaded it he acknowledged he heard me while still playing a game on my sega genesis minutes later i'm playing the game leo other friend is upstairs on the computer and mike is sitting next to me all of a sudden the whole house fills with the crack of a firearm going off i drop the controller and look over at mike who is pale as a sheet with the revolver in his hand leo almost falls down the stairs running to see what happened mike had been twirling the gun around his finger when it went off the round went through the wall separating the living room from my parents bedroom and about two inches from hitting the wood stove pipe that goes up through the second story and into the roof i checked my parents room to see where the slug went but there is no exit hole mike's freaked out we lived in a pretty small community where most people at least knew of everyone else and my dad was one of the two sheriff's deputies on the west shore mike was always the good kid in town so he was all over himself with panic that his parents would find out and left for home leo and i grabbed some spackle and patched the hole even griming the patch so it matched the discoloration of the rest of the wall since it sat behind a wood stove 27 years later my parents still don't know what went down while they were gone i figure there's still a round stuck in a stud behind the wall what scared me straight was the thought of mike accidentally blowing his head off in my living room i cleaned the gun and good thing because when my parents came home my dad actually smelled the guns to see if any of them had been fired one of the very few things i got away with as a kid pretty lucky i lied about going to a bartending competition as an excuse to not go on a date in 1991 i realized that i was still telling it 15 years later to people it had absolutely no bearing on i had told the lie so many times that it became ingrained as part of my story i literally stopped myself in mid-sentence and said wait no i didn't i totally lied about that and hence released the untruth from myself forever okay really it was no burden i thought it was kind of funny to be thoughtlessly still lying about something completely insignificant so many years later not me but this kid in high school pretended to be australian for three years our school was in california everyone believed him even when he practiced his american accent on the phone whenever his mom called because she didn't like when he used his australian accent the life fell apart when he took one of his gfs home to meet his family she then made him go around the entire school and apologize for lying to everyone one day when i was eight i was in the car with my dad and the song rock and rock all night by kiss came on the radio and i decided to sing along to it i knew my dad loved classic rock and i figured it would be nice to share a moment with him he took it as me being spontaneously inspired by the music and he still brings it up 16 years later best not to tell him i was throwing him a bone at the time similar thing with me my uncle and zz top q was easy top greatest height cd for my next birthday we were just fishing and he liked it and i wanted him to think i was cool and grown up so i exaggerated how much i was enjoying the music that i am allergic to pot told this to get out of trying it when i was 15 for various reasons have had to keep it up for 20 years i have no problem with weed smokers i just don't like having to get hassled when i turn it down not that that happens much anymore see i actually am and people are total douches about it saying they don't believe me telling me to try it anyway blowing smoke in my face like no i will actually swell up barf all over you and blackout stop i'm pretty good friends with a colleague that teaches the same group of kids that i do one day in class i made an off-the-cuff comment about how we don't get along the kids believed it so i went with it and texted her to go along with it too we kept it going for almost two years with the kids openly badmouthing each of us in the others classes now that's commitment that i like my best friend's husband ah he's a vile bitter hateful human being who thinks he's better than everyone i have literally not told anyone now we know sad score i always tell people i scored in 1140 this was when 1600 was highest it's a believable score for someone who sucks at math like me i got below one thousand twice just so you know one 1600 is the highest again don't ask me why they changed it basically everything about how university is going to my parents thieve been pressuring me for months about it so if they found out i've done nothing with myself for almost two months they'd just be disappointed yeah i'm doing fine yeah i'm going out and not just staying in all the time yeah i have friends i'm in the same boat random stranger of the internet i tell my parents that i'm not completely alone when in fact all of the conversations i have at the university is polite conversation with the subway worker that i don't want to get married i actually do i don't want kids though and i feel like i'd be bad in a relationship it's been a long time since i was a boyfriend and who wants to marry a guy that doesn't want kids maybe i'm biased since i can't conceive naturally but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me there are plenty of people such as yourself for whom kids and a requirement i get most of my news and information through reddit i pass it off as something i heard from a friend if i divulge my source everyone will start using reddit and i won't have anything interesting to say lol same or people won't know what reddit is or they might not take it seriously as a source almost all of my stories start off with so i read this thing or i heard that some people uses that losing an arm didn't affect me that much it's now been eight or nine years i've lost it i was such a good liar even i believed it at some point then i had to make the choice of putting down my dog or letting him suffer to his death after a four hours long stroke but you know i'm a man then my gf left me i was distant and detached from my feelings and she found someone who was more in tune with her throwing a 10-year relationship to the side heck at first i just shrugged her life i was able to survive on my own but slowly but surely the mask shattered my ex and a friend i confided and saw behind the mask when i was at my lowest but most friends and family still think everything is fine and i was more aggravated for the doctors cutting my hair than my arm dude just wait till we get bionic limbs you're gonna be the sickest mother out there my first day on the job at a local fast food restaurant we were robbed at gunpoint it was my first job as a teenager and i knew if i told my parents they would make me quit when they asked how my first day went i said fine when i was 14 and in a long distance race during gym class my friend tripped over my leg it was pretty crowded and rolled over in front of all those people she blamed someone else and has no idea it was me it's been 20 years we're still friends and she'll never know wahahaha i live in the uk where being circumcised isn't that common i am circumcised i also have a massive beard when i first met my ex i told her very seriously that i was circumcised because i was jewish she believed it for way longer than she should have same ended up with extra holidays for six months before i moved jobs i'm gay my mom always thought i was gay and did one of thous coming out parties just kinda rolled with it even though i have a girlfriend i invented a mentally disabled younger brother when i was at university and used him as an excuse to get out of seminars early to go and take care of him i hated you in group work sick grandmother that you know will die four days before work due date fricker entered her contribution separately one paragraph a couple of years back when i was living in my apartment complex i had a neighbor convinced that i was some sort of government agent spy etc it was a neighbor who i would constantly see in passing seemingly always when i was either leaving or arriving to my apartment it was usually odd hours 7am 7pm i also don't work on mondays but also sometimes work on the weekends so my schedule probably seemed very erratic combine that with the fact that i would always be carrying multiple non-descript bags usually camera equipment my gym bag or hockey stuff sometimes i would be carrying my range bag for when i went to the shooting range to practice or for a competition one time after unloading from the range a few stray empty shell casings must have spilled out from my bag and around my car i didn't see them until i came back out later in the day and saw my neighbor she pointed them out and asked me what do you do for a living in a very dramatic serious tone i replied i work an asset protection and asset recovery after a couple of silent moments with a puzzled look she asked what does that mean furthering the ruse i replied i protect things that are very valuable to very important people and i recover very valuable things from very bad people the look that came across her face was priceless i immediately turned and walked away as a punctuation on an oscar-worthy performance she bought a hook line and sinker i made it about 10 steps before i started laughing hysterically to myself i kept up that persona for the next two years i'll be honest it was pretty fun well not me but my father and it's kind of morbid my parents live in a pretty big house and have a patch of land for horses once a year my father hires a farmer that lives nearby to cut the grass with a large machine attached to a tractor the farmer did as requested and drove the tractor through the land however once he was about halfway he suddenly heard a loud shriek turns out the neighbor's cat was there and he cut off all four paws clean must have looked pretty horrific but worst of all the cat was still alive the farmer rushed to my dad to tell him what happened my father brought a shovel and released the cat from its misery it was quite heartbreaking right after they buried the cat there in the field to this day nobody ever told the neighbors the cat simply went missing and never returned nobody had the heart to tell them what happened i applaud your family for that secret really i would not want to know any of my pets had that be their last moments better to dream they found a new family that cared for them even if deep down i didn't believe that in third grade a girl moved to my school and instantly i had the biggest crush on her when we got to talking she was convinced that she knew me from her old school third grade logic was to lie and say that i did go there and just moved as well it started as just a quick yeah that was me so that her and i would have something to talk about but quickly progressed into elaborate stories about other classmates or teachers there and even included stories about our play dates that we had this went on extensively from third grade until 10th grade when i moved away a friend of mine and i who go to the same college constantly tell people with siblings because we look alike we have like at least 10 people who believe it now funniest part is that my actual sister goes to the same college as well that i miss my family everyone is always telling me how sorry they are for me and how hard it must be to have no contact with them anymore and it's just too much to try and explain that i have zero emotional attachments to any of them the one time i tried explaining it to someone they kept shrugging it off like oh you just need some time to move past it and then you'll get along again and be one big happy family even if i get into the deep dark depths of their betrayal life long abuse and neglect i still get the same answer why is it so odd that sometimes families just don't work out it's perfectly acceptable and encouraged to completely cut ties with ex-friends and lovers who treat you like crap so why the double standard just because we're related i told one colleague that i played two seasons at a local football club which is in the third german division in my youth im not bad at football and sometimes i help his team out when they have too little players and he always says yeah he is pretty good he played at club name in his youth and then i get asked about my time there he also told it to some colleagues and sometimes some of my friends are doing an internship at my work and i always hope that he doesn't talk with them about it i don't know why i told him this i wish i didn't but the good thing is i have friends who played there in their youth so i have all the info i need to keep this up it's been three years wish me luck and with football i mean football but some may call it soccer you would say too few players in general if it's something you can count you say too few if it's something you can't count you would say too little for example too few players versus too little energy most english speakers have trouble with that i'm pretty sure i get it wrong half the time that i'm christian i have told friends and more understanding family members my true beliefs but my 90 something year old grandparents are going to die thinking their sweet little you evan dude is a good christian boy sometimes keeping the peace is good i had a strange spanish teacher she was extremely gullible and might have been too old for teaching one day she called role and i told her my name was billy and that my real name was just my twin brother everyone went along with it for three years i would put a jacket on when i was me and take it off when i was billy teachers would send appreciation letters to this occasionally and i have two one for me and one for billy i'm not sure if i found it funny or if i was hurt when she came to see billy's graduation and not mine because billy didn't wear that jacket that i'm allergic to bananas i'm not allergic it's just that the smell of them makes me physically sick it's easier to say i'm allergic for people to not open them around me than it is to justify my physical reaction my wife tells places that she's allergic to pickles because she hates pickles so much i don't think anyone on earth is allergic to a pickle that i hate caramel i don't know why i ever said it don't know how to change it now that everyone thinks that i actually really enjoy caramel this one you could change in steps oh i found this kind of caramel i actually like then i've gained a new appreciation for caramel my wife and i tell people we met through a mutual friend in reality she randomly added me on facebook and was like ibby you fine as frick her family is just packed with uptight judgmental people it's just easier to tell the lie i met to gf on my space the same way talk to everyone it was a blind date that everything is fine and i'm happy it's not but i don't know why not or how to fix it i've been trying to get therapy for a little while but the nhs provided ones have burned me so many times and the private therapists with evening appointments either don't reply or aren't taking patients like people just say see a therapist when you're depressed like it's easy but it's just not in kindergarten a friend of mine and i found one of those old stove kettles you boiled water with outside on the playground we filled it with wet sand to make it heavy and decided to throw it high in the air towards each other so much fun what you think was bound to happen happened i got it right in the head which cracked my skull open and has now given me a scar however i tell people that i was playing in the nearby sandbox and some idiot thought it would be fun throwing around that kettle which then hit me in the head i feel so stupid that i to this day cannot admit i was actually a part of it myself my very close friend is the only person in the world i've told the true story to about 10 years after it happened yikes hi thanks for calling x restaurant this is cedric69 how can i help you hi insert more common similar sounding name i need x doesn't correct them over the course of a 10 minutes conversation hates myself every minute of it i had a couple attempts at suicide went to therapy a few weeks at a mental hospital family knew i had depression but not that it got that bad when i was in ap biology in high school i had a really difficult time reading litmus tests i think the lighting at my lab station must have been off because my answer was always incorrect i was so frustrated that i ended up telling the teacher i was colorblind because it was ap bio she ended up making an example of me when it came time to demonstrate hereditary traits maybe you are colorblind or maybe you just have a different idea of what constitutes a specific color like the difference between gray blue and blue gray i often find myself arguing with my friends about what color something is if the color is very borderline what is the most ridiculous freaked up lie your parents told you my dad got fed up of watching barney the dinosaur when i was a kid and one day when i asked to watch it he said you can't why because barney died i never did watch barney again that if i didn't brush my teeth tiny teeth goblins would sneak into my room at night and pull out my teeth while i slept i was genuinely afraid of the teeth goblins not too freaked up but ridiculous when i was little my mom told me if i didn't finish my dinner my stomach would get very hungry and come up and eat my brain a few nights later i woke her up at midnight crying because my stomach growled and i needed a second dinner or it would eat my brain a lot more tame than the other ones here but my mom once told me not to sleep on my left couch that causes pressure on your heart not sure how true that was but i was nervous for years whenever i had to sleep on my left side i heard that on roseanne and absolutely believed it that my siblings and i had a sister named alice apparently she wouldn't stop talking in the car so they dropped her off on the side of the road never spoke on road trips ever again my parents had a similar thing they would threaten to leave myself and my brother at a bad boys school ran by mrs mullins if we didn't behave in the car you can imagine my trepidation when i got to secondary school and my teacher was named mrs mullins around the time toy story first came out my dad drove an infinity and he told us that he could press a button and go to infinity and beyond to jump over other cars he'd have us close our eyes and press the button and he'd speed up and pass the car in front of us while our eyes were closed as a kid i was d-u-m-b-f-o-u-n-d-e-d and thought he was magic it's actually a nice memory compared to the other ones on here lol had a somewhat abusive father growing up only bone i ever broke was his handiwork both he and my mother insist to this day that have never happened that i broke my foot in a marching band accident must have just slipped my mind wasn't surprised when the term gaslighting became more prevalent in society remember we discussed few years ago and we've been planning for it that you'll stay in the nursing home for now when i was a kid my father told me about the can he said it contained a family secret of incredible value and that when i turned 18 i could see it on my 18th birthday i asked my father about the can he said the frick is a command after i reminded him of it he burst out laughing saying that he was freaking with me for almost a decade i believed that i would be privy to some cosmic secret on my 18th birthday turns out i'm just very impressionable i thought he would hand you a can of beer my dad died in a car accident a few years ago until this day my mom says that he is still on vacation i don't know if it is a coping method for her but i haven't said anything about it wow i'm sorry to hear that can't be easy we used to have a farm when i was a kid my uncle gave me few hands he had and i told my dad that i want them to have baby chicks and sell them he told me we need to buy you a rooster for your hands i said why they lay eggs and they don't need to have a male around he told me the eggs won't be fertile and will never hatch but what can a rooster do to make it hatch he picks the back of their necks well i can do that with a needle every day and then he farts in their butts the worst part i remember is me running to my mom after we went home to tell her about my recent discovery i fail to see how farting in their butt isn't even more ridiculous than the truth i lived with my grandma until i was 16 my mom is currently telling me that never happened and she never left me with grandma i guess i imagined my entire childhood don't give in even jokingly it's what she wants my mom lied about my father's death for nine years until my brother posted the anniversary of him hanging himself he is my half brother same dad different mom a lot of these are sad so here's a silly nice one my birthday is the 11th of july the gas station 7 stroke 11 gives away free slushies on seven stroke 11. at seven eight and nine years old my parents just told me that the seven stroke 11 wanted to celebrate my birthday by giving me free slushies and i did not question it i thought the gas station just really liked me in a similar vein my name starts with a k and when i was little my town had a kmart that had a giant neon red k outside it they told me the k was there just for me me and some nights they'd drive me over to look at my k all the lit up that backfired a bit when the kmart went out of business and that giant k went dark gaslighting about obviously wrong or easily disputable things like i hated the babysitter i had from age three to four she was a bee who favored boys and didn't much like me either i was an easygoing kid but i hated her my mother insisted all the way through college that i love this woman we'd go back to visit my hometown and she'd force me to skip seeing my friends to visit this lady at 16 these visits would go something like hi oh it's you and then she'd ignore me and talk to my mother while i stared at a wall and nodded politely until we could leave my mother doubled down on this every time i disagreed until one visit back to the church we used to attend social center of small towns this lady saw my mother coming and began the conversation with wasn't it funny how much your daughter and i always hated each other i only watch little boys these days can't stand girls my mom briefly attempted to convince both of us that we shared fond memories but by that point we were approaching 20 years of mutual dislike it was a bit absurd i don't know what's worse that your babysitter is a huge b or your mom is delusional if i acted up my mom would say she was sending me to the hospital to be put down it really really freaked me up she even drove a sobbing puking me to the hospital to be put down one day she said she would give me a second chance and didn't take me in my dad once told me if i didn't say a single word the whole way home he'd take me to arby's in the driveway i came to the realization that we couldn't go to arby's as we were home me we're not going are we him well you talk just now so guess not man that's no fair i got told to play the if you don't talk we'll get fast food game but they actually took me to mcdonald's and had to spend 10 minutes convincing me it was okay to talk so i could tell them what i wanted to order reading these comments thinking that having one alcoholic parent feels normal now because you all have messed up childhoods had two raging narcissists who hated each other and had four more kids than they should have zero plenty of abuse but mostly neglect feeling lucky after reading some crap here when my parents didn't want to go through the effort of having me join a sport or a club at school they just told me i would be terrible at it and should give up when i was younger i learned that mushrooms were a fungus and refused to eat them my dad made me some soup with mushrooms in it and i threw a fit about eating it so he inspected the bowl and told me they were whale toes apparently i was old enough to know that mushrooms were a fungus but not old enough to know that whales didn't have feet when my dad wanted me to stop bothering him he would send me your nameless errands go to the shed and get me the chain stretcher i'd be looking for hours parents always claimed we were a poor family growing up so didn't have money for sport clubs hobbies or expensive school trips got older and realized it was due to the amount of money they would spend on weed they still don't see it as an issue to this day similar for me except it was booze my old man would put away 20 plus beers a night adds up pretty quick they told me kids came from a government agency called the caa child assignment agency and that they can exchange me whenever they want if i ever misbehaved they told me they were eyeing a well-behaved little girl but hadn't decided yet they used it against me for years oh i was told i was getting sent back to the little boy store and they would always point to a friendly special needs kid at my school they would replace me with i was three five kinda messed me up a bit as a kid my cat died and my mom told me that he moved to florida sorry but this one made me laugh a little it's not that fricked up but it's kind of a revenge story when i was very young my parents told me i couldn't get carbonated soft drinks cause they said it was bad for me and i could die mind you i was a hyperactive kid at the time at one point i got a genius idea i lived with my mother and my father would pick me up every weekend my plan was friday evening when my father would pick me up i would tell him mom gave me coca-cola cause she said it's okay you're going to your father's anyway and at this moment my father accepted the fake challenge i have given him the next sunday evening my father gave me like a 1l of 7 up just before dropping me off so i was pretty excited my mother asked me like what's up with you and i told her pretty much the same thing dad gave me seven up cause he said it's okay you're going to your mother afterward anyway and then my mom took on the challenge too they never spoke about it out loud it was kind of a war and i was the instruments what they didn't know was that i was the evil mind behind it all so all in all i got my revenge i got carbonated soft drinks and they never learned the truth until i told them years later my narcissistic abuser mother made up a story so real i believed as a kid she said people have kids to save them to eat when the apocalypse comes whether nuclear war or some other apocalypse type she made a highly detailed story saying kids were just food stocks that i was to be eating first even though i was the skinniest and tallest and basically just skin and bones and i was the scapegoat most hated and blamed on for everyone else's misery and she said why do you think i feed you all that yummy food i'm growing you up nice and fat so when the apocalypse comes you'll all be eaten there was three of us kids but she also explained that cruel explained that cruel explained that cruel yeah it was really fricked up and i actually believed it she used this as a way to control us kids saying if we didn't do what she said we'd be killed and eaten early i was her punching bag and she physically and emotionally abused me in ways that a child should never have to suffer her master manipulative ways and gaslighting was some of the most disturbing crap i've seen a parent do i'm free now and i'm thriving she also controlled my finances for a long time and i finally have my own money careers i wanted and i'm very happy my mum told me that she found me in the chicken isle at sainsbury's in amongst the chickens and decided to take me home plot twist she actually found you among the chicken kinda a funny one i grew up on a farm with cattle and we had two dogs i had really bad allergies growing up and was allergic to everything with a fur coat but i still hugged our dogs and kept getting sick over it so to prevent from hugging or playing with our dogs my mom told me that by doing so would make them want to chase cows and getting our cows worked up was a no no so i stop hugging with the dogs in order to make them stop chasing cows funny thing is that now when i bring that up my mom doesn't even remember telling me that i came home and my dog was missing i searched for her for weeks i was 10 so i couldn't really go anywhere to see if she'd been turned in i called vet's offices and stuff though in my 20s i found out my mom took her to the humane society and dropped her off i hope she found a new family that loved her the way she deserved to be loved i hope that she didn't wait for us to come get her every day crying for me my mom has a dog now that she adores and the thought has crossed my mind to take her and drop her off at the local humane society and let my mom know how it fricking feels but i could never do that to another person holy crap if i were you i wouldn't actually take her dog to the humane society but i would take the dog somewhere else and tell her i did just to let her feel that feeling for a few minutes then bring the dog back my mom has severe bipolar disorder she once told me she would never yell at me again after a huge meltdown when i was very young like five or six i thought of that every time she ever yelled after that my whole life which was at least every other day it's just one of those things from childhood that always stuck with me any asian knows the bull their parents or grandparents say to gets them to stop doing something they say you'll either die or get cancer when i was a young teenager and anticipating my first period my grandma told me to never sit on the toilet for too long while on your period because you'll get a blood clot and die i later found out she just didn't want me sitting on the toilet with my phone i don't know why she didn't just say that and no blood clots from your period will not kill you my mom told me that when she was a kid my grandma told her that she was gonna die countless times for doing something that was completely fine good old chinese guilt bonus story my grandma hates the internet and computers and sees it as a gateway to pee and child molesters i mean she's got a point but she hated it to a point where she thought people used it for those purposes only she's very out of touch with the world when i was 13 my dad got me my first laptop and i brought it to my grandma's house to do an essay for school the second she saw the computer she said to me right in front of company she had over don't watch p that p is bad thanks nana now everyone thinks i was gonna watch p smh so embarrassing or they say you're gonna kill them like if you sit on the cold ground or drink ice water they will die not really messed up but i was told that watermelon seeds would grow inside me and sprout out of my head if i swallowed them needless to say i cried until i threw up when i accidentally swallowed watermelon seeds the way my grandparents told it one of them told me the same thing so i ate a few seeds drank some water ate some dirt and then stood in the yard facing the sun with my mouth open trying to get them to grow i like watermelon i was all of maybe nine years old but i was responsible for getting my younger sister up ready and out the door for school in the morning maybe once a month in a rush i would forget to set the alarm apparently this bothered my mom enough that she unexpectedly picked me up from school early one day she told me that because i had forgotten to lock the door the house had been robbed and all of our tvs and game systems had been stolen she led me into my room which for some reason was the only room in the house that had been trashed she went on and on about how it was entirely my fault i deserved this how i was going to be working to pay off every stolen thing after a few hours she let up that it was all just a setup to teach me not to forget set the alarm that she hid the electronics and trashed a nine-year-old's room to make a point anyways i have severe general anxiety now my parents decided to tell me that santa's elves were actually kids that saw him they showed me a picture of a semi-creepy santa and said this is why we don't want you looking for him yeah thank you so freaking much mom i totally didn't have nightmares and now i'm paranoid that a fat man with fangs and bloodshot eyes is gonna freaking take me cause i saw him i'll start off with one you have extra teeth because you are related to the dollar party two there is no more strawberry milk ever they killed all the pink cows that's where strawberry milk comes from obviously to make the milk that i drank and now they are dead three all the oil stains on the road were kids that didn't look both ways these are weird you were a toilet seat baby accidents happen dad truth is my dad was homeless and he met my mom at an alice cooper concert they ended up banging in a tent and that's where i was conceived in a tent at an alice cooper concert then nine months later named after a blonde w in a movie called american pie my uncle had me terrified to go outside barefoot for years apparently if you go outside barefoot the toe gophers will come and eat your toes i hated wearing shoes as a kid still hate it as an adult the crust of the bread is the most nutritious part i was just really smart and deserved to be in the gifted kids program really i was just dealing with adhd and i'm not that smart as an adult related to childhood you don't have adhd you did fine in school you were just like me when i was little my mother refuses to see a therapist psychiatrist because she thinks they just tell you what you want to hear i was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar at age 29 my life could have been a lot better if she had gotten me the help i needed when i first started having problems but i was told i was just too smart and unique how my mom told us three girls that she was a virgin when she married my father and that's how us girls should be that anyone who has sex outside of marriage is a w you only have sex to have kids and blah blah she made herself out to be this higher than thou person who was pure and innocent wrong she ran off at 17 and married her boyfriend they were married for six months then divorced that's all i know my mom denied it at first when my older sister confronted her when sister told her to stop lying of course sis got a slap in the face mom finally admitted it then said they never had sex so she was a virgin when she married our father wrong again she slept over at my dad's house so much people thought they lived together if she never admitted to that this information was told by several of her own sisters but my mom was a compulsive liar and a narcissist more ridiculous than anything else but my dad told me that if i drank mountain dew i wouldn't be able to have kids for a solid three or four days i was really sad about never having kids until he finally told me funny now but it really messed me up for those couple days a bunch of guys in my high school 100 believed this to be the truth and would chug two liters in order to make themselves sterile i told them they were idiots and asked my ob next time i went and she told me they were indeed idiots they still didn't believe me even after a doctor confirmed my dad told me i was lucky because no one would ever want me for my looks crazy damaging and also led to a lot of confusion in my teenage young adult years when i'd get aggressively hit on by men why because actually i'm pretty good looking i guess he just decided to tell me otherwise because i resemble his ex-wife my mother what the actual freak when i was about 12 my parents told me my beloved cat was lost years later i found out they gave her away because they didn't want to take her when we moved i had been so heartbroken over it combing the woods putting up signs etc her name was rosie and she was only a couple years old she'd sleep with me every night i still can't believe they could be so cruel it's like my dad witnessed how much my cat meant to me and still something similar happened it just makes me sick to think about the evil he is we went to see the moon rise at the beach one evening when i was about four my dad told me it was a brand new moon and that the old one had fallen into the ocean i'm in my 30s now and he still laughs about it that's a harmless one and it's cute well crap how much time do you have these are not in any particular order one any food eaten before the prayer is over is literal poison and will kill you i was physically restrained painfully to prevent me from testing this obvious lie 2 i do not have rights until i turn 18 3 because we caught you looking up pictures of nude women online now you're going to burn in heck forever and we can't be together in the afterlife if this is your fault 4. the reason your mother and i wear this special underwear is that it protects us there are people who survived fires and stabbings because of this underwear five if you are in an accident and you have someone else in the car the person's parents will sue us and we will literally lose everything and be homeless therefore you are forbidden to have passengers in your car six the reason there are only right-wing radio hosts on the air is because the liberal ones are run off for being idiots while they never outright said sex is illegal their actions led me to believe it was for most of my childhood blocking my view in a movie or show if anything more than a light peck occurred along with scenes containing violence really kindled the concept in my mind that it was against the law i don't talk to my parents much my dad punched my mom in the face so hard that he broke his hand and her cheekbone they convinced me and everyone else that i hit her with my baseball bat by accident and he fell off the roof while cleaning the gutters as i got older i remembered the truth oh this is awful at least three ways i'm sorry got caught smoking weed in eighth grade dad is the one who caught us i insisted it was incense he told us my mother was downstairs in tears crying about how it couldn't be true told friends parents who seem to take it a lot better than my own parents i'm late gen x this incident is in late heyday of dare program which only made kids want to try drugs early 90s part of me was still thinking what i'm doing is super wrong i felt terrible about letting down my mom turns out my mom was an avid weed smoker in her hippie days but never said anything about it until i was 30 and living in ca where it's legal i didn't enjoy it at that point nor do i really enjoy it today i spent a month on lockdown and the entirety of my next four years in high school on parole parents would pretend to hug me and sniff me to see if i smelled if i had a bad soccer or hockey game it's cause i was high teacher accidentally marked me absent from class it's cause i was getting high got a bad grade in a class you guessed it cause i was getting high when that afroman song came out i was in college so no longer lived with parents but it spoke to me in the weirdest way felt like how my parents were always judging me only reason i didn't learn the truth earlier was because i was afraid to bring it up and any shortcoming on my part would make my parents think it's cause i was getting stoned instead of trying as hard as i can at life all of that was a lie my parents used to guilt and scare me into conformity and obedience when i was about three or four and my sister was six or seven my parents got a seizure pet rabbit one day my mom took us to the store to get stuff for dinner while we were gone there must have been a thunderstorm and it knocked our rabbit hutch over and our rabbits escaped even though it was bright and sunny we were dumb but kids i guess we searched the yard for peter and thumper and couldn't find them that night we had chicken for dinner when my sister and i were teenagers my mom told us the truth we ate them what is the most elaborate lie you have ever told shared this many times seems that people get a kick out of it every time when i was 18 i mentioned to this girl who was a friend at church that i was looking into going into the peace corporation i really was but had no immediate plans whatsoever a few days later the pastor came up to me and said how cool it was what i was doing i had no idea what he was talking about but i took the kind words and went on my way over the next few weeks a few other people said the same thing i still didn't realize what they were talking about but still people were saying nice things building me up so i'm taking them a cut to a month later i'm in church and the pastor calls me up this was a small church he then proceeds to tell the congregation that i was leaving for the peace corps within the next few months i had to make up where i was going what i was doing basically everything it ended with the pastor and the elders coming on stage and praying over me may god forgive me weeks go on with no word of me leaving from anyone i think it may have just blown over and i'll make an excuse one day to people as to why i didn't go that is until i get to church one wednesday afternoon and as i walk into the door i'm greeted with a surprise that's right they threw me a freaking surprise going away party long story short i enjoy the cake talk about my trip and end the night what else am i supposed to do lo and behold two weeks later 9 11 happens and i use that as an excuse that my trip got cancelled you know terrorism and all 911 sucked but it really saved my butt you dodged a bullet there i didn't intentionally lie but i am currently too deep in a lie to come clean my youngest son is biracial my wife and i are both white i take my son to a black barber shop to get his cut they do a much better job of cutting his hair than our local place and i enjoy going there as well anyway one of the barbers there casually said something like well you would know since you're married to a black woman rather than correct him i just laughed and nodded i should have just explained the situation and mentioned that my son was adopted but i didn't they have made references to me having a black wife a few times now and i don't know how to correct them without it coming off as weird my son is just under 2 so he won't say anything yet but he may in the future might have to find the new barber you're in too deep man and a good barber is hard to find you're going to have to get a new wife a black one oh my best friend and i had a falling out over trivial adolescent bs when i was a teen so this is what i did we had the same internet provider so i called them up and asked to talk to an agent about security illegal downloads pornography what happens if i accidentally download it etc and asked for a reference number i then scanned one of their letters changed the text to say something along the lines of we have detected illicit downloads the reference number of the phone call i made and fill path to his p folder on the family computer i then printed out the letter printed the appropriate logos onto a blank envelope my friend's mother's name and address went to the post office said this was placed in my p.o box by mistake and voila my friend got banned from the pc for at least a year i think pure evil to our pity revenge please i was an 18 year old salon assistant and really wanted the night off of work so i went into the basement of the salon and pretended to fall down the stairs when i was alone i did a weak little stumble and then sat on the dirty floor to mess up my pants put some visine in my eyes to simulate tears and then limped in claiming i had a sprained ankle and had to go home totally worked too until a co-worker saw me on the dance floor of a nightclub that night we had a decorative wicker piece of furniture in our house growing up it was my mother's and was not sturdy or used for anything other than decoration one day while my parents were away disappeared it was later discovered smashed in the woods behind our house for years my parents blamed me for breaking it about five or six years ago in my thirties now i finally confessed at christmas time that i had a huge party while they were gone and one of the guests got drunk and smashed the thing that was the lie i never had the party and to this day i have no idea wtf happened to that piece of furniture i just got tired of hearing about it at literally every family function in the last two weeks i've convinced everyone at my workplace that i was born without a sense of smell just as a little experiment i work in a supermarket and just last night we had some off dog food that stunk but because everyone thought i didn't have a sense of smell they made me go take it out the back i picked it up and tried my very best not to show any emotion but in reality i wanted to cry because of how bad it smelled not completely elaborate but has haunted me i was 17 and spinning my jeep around in a patch of wet grass pulling the emergency brake while going fast when i hit a rain drain in the middle of a field it was about a foot high and concrete i blew out both of my passenger side tires and shipped the aluminium rim i was in the middle of nowhere florida and had to run a couple miles to a pay phone this was before cell phones were common i worked myself up into a frenzy before dialing my home my dad answered and i said i fell asleep at the wheel he totally bought it picked me up and i never was in trouble he was really supportive and amazing at the time i felt a bit guilty it wasn't until a year and a half later when he died that i felt way worse he had written out the things i remember about my son letter it recounted his fondest memories throughout my existence he updated it when he got the terminal diagnosis to include the nighty that is man of a son wasn't too old to need his father's help i read this after his death and never felt more like a lying bastard for fun i once told a kid in school that my family owned the liberty bell because he actually seemed like he might buy it i kept making up details they needed money in world war ii and so they sold off shares in various things and my grandfather bought a bunch we actually own 51 percent of it and now when people pay 50 cents to see it we get a quarter true story it's free to see the liberty bell in high school my spanish 3 final was an interview i was to talk to a person who was raised in a spanish-speaking country and talk to them in spanish about their experiences here in america to give context for why i did this you should know that i have very bad social anxiety and at this time in my life i don't think i was on meds for it yet so since i really don't want to have an hour long conversation with someone i don't know and visibly start freaking out when i need to have a break from talking to this person i have to lol completely fake my final project at this time i remember watching a draw my life father youtuber i watch who is from el salvador perfect he doxed himself i thought so i fill out the worksheet questions about him with the information i saw and in the interview questions with generic crap as well as some of the things he talked about in the video next was the hard part he had to fill out a worksheet in spanish about how well i did knowing teachers can read handwriting and this guy i'm interviewing moved to america when he was seven i fill out his part of the paper with my left hand and said sorry for the not so perfect spanish and that he mainly uses english in his daily life my lie was a success the teacher was never suspicious and i never had to take a foreign language class ever again note sorry for the probably bad formatting i'm on mobile brilliant the left-handed sorry for bad spanish was great i know a lot of non-native english speakers usually say sorry for bad english so this was very good 25 years this monster is still following me junior year in high school i was out at night with my four best friends tom chris oscar and jeff names have been changed to protect emmy we were all in chris carr and stopped for a bite but before i went and i ditched around the back of the building to pee as i am peeing i look down and see her extremely gay all black men p magazine i pick up the magazine and run to chris carr and stash it in the glove compartment fast forward to about one week later and chris is picking me up to go wherever and when i get and he is absolutely encouraged enraged i ask what's up and he explains that he and jeff jeff is the guy in the group that will ride you and ride you for any misstep you may have done were driving and jeff was fiddling in the car as they were driving and opened the glove to have a freaking queer mag falls out and jeff reacts as if it were a dead baby landing on your lap all the justified denials chris is throwing at jeff are falling on deaf ears as jeff now has found this damning evidence and there is no changing his mind i had really forgotten what i had done and immediately went into man that's messed up who the heck would do that there is no way i can tell chris redheaded scottish temper as one he will literally whip my button too he will do it again so this is now the news in the group and is spreading throughout the social circles in school chris has now turned into a csi investigator and was literally retracing everyone's steps in and around that time frame but he was never really connecting me i was in fairness also giving him false leads and fake whodunits just enough that they were feasible suspects this has and will be chris greatest scandal as it is still talked about at least twice a year just brought up in front of wives at our 25th reunion yikes chris has sworn that he will show no mercy on the culprit one night in a drunken stupor came within a millimeter of spilling the beans but in a moment of clarity i went back to my original theory that is was tom tom needs to pay for this crime and sooner or later i am going to find the evidence for chris now i know how db cooper or the zodiac killer must feel with constant over-the-shoulder lifestyle pray for me or tom whoever gets it first go find another gay black dudes magazine and during the next event where everyone is attending stash it's in his car let the cycle begin again my girlfriend is laboring under the misapprehension that i'm a normal functioning member of the human race so probably that greeting fellow humans too am a normal functioning member of the robot human race i got a new job last year and i really needed halloween weekend off in order to go to a music festival i told them that every year the family goes to mexico to celebrate dia de los muertos but they gave me the time off but when i came back to work they asked to see photos a good thing the music festival was located in a very rural area so i showed them actual photos from the music festival and they thought it was all in mexico all my managers were american so they really had no idea what and the heck i was talking about d not sure how elaborate this is but when my son was eight we moved from out in the middle of nowhere with no television into town with cable when he first encountered a tv show that was rated tvma he asked me what that meant i told him that it meant you had to ask your ma if it was okay to watch it and remarkably he believed it for a while haha i mean you aren't wrong when i was in elementary i was put on medication for abbott no clue what it was called little pink pills and they made me feel horrible and lose a ton of weight my stepdad was very strict about me taking them so much that if i twitched my leg or was talking too much he would promptly say did you take your pill this morning i finally got fed up of taking them and so when he would hand it to me in the morning to take i would act like i took it but actually drop in in the cup of water and then drop the pill behind the stove after he walked away all was good and well until we had to get a new stove after a year of me stashing my pills i just remember freaking out the entire day knowing at some point they was gonna have to pull the stove out asterisk attempt to zoom when my niece was around eight years old or so my husband and i told her an elaborate lie about eggnog niece what is eggnog made out of snarky grown-ups it's a combination of eggs and nog nice what's nog snarky grown-ups squirrel milk nice what squirrels don't make milk snarky grown-ups of course they do anything with a nipple can make milk nice really i don't know about that snarky grown-ups yeah but the problem is that it's really hard to harvest the milk because the squirrels are so small it takes a really long time to do it that's why we can only drink eggnog once a year at christmas time it takes all year long to milk enough squirrels to get enough for eggnog that last line was what got her made so much sense my husband also convinced her one time that bike tires have poisonous gas inside them so if you crash your bike you better jump up and run away real quick before the bike tire poison leaks out and gets you b niece's mom found out about that one real quick my niece is a teenager now and has thankfully chosen to look on these incidents with much humor she's awesome over the past year i have been slowly convincing my cousin that my girlfriend is a practicing pagan gave him little totems we found at a flea market made up a backstory for each one and how they will bring him in a piece which he keeps on his dresser before he left for college i gave him a little vial of fruit juice that was a good luck potion that he sips before his football games he likes to brag to other people about the things we get him i wonder how sick he's going to get from that old fruit juice when i was growing up in the mid to late 90s paul frank monkeys were just becoming popular and were everywhere in school everyone had those dinky little notebooks and all sorts of memorabilia i personally cannot stand monkeys animated or real doesn't matter which i think it's an uncanny valley thing to me the way they move and their faces and hands have always put me off i don't care if other people like monkeys nor do i particularly care that monkeys exist elsewhere but i quickly learned that my opinion was a fairly unpopular one around kids my age the obvious step was to come up with a justifiable reason for my hatred the story went like this comma when i was little my kindergarten class went on a field trip to the zoo this was before they had the glass separating the animals from the people i had a dollar and some pennies and i was going to use the press machine and the gift shop to make a souvenir penny on our way we saw the monkey exhibit and i put my hands between the bars while still holding the dollar to watch them comma one of the monkeys spotted me and came over to look at me and i wanted to pet it but it suddenly lunged forward with this horrible look in its eyes and bit me and i dropped my dollar then i had to go get a rabies shot in the butt and i never got my dollar back or my souvenir penny because monkeys are evil and they ruin everything and that's why i don't want any paul frank crap for my birthday grace follow up last year i was on a christmas skype call with my family and my brother brought the monkey story up which i had always been careful not to tell my mum because she would call me on my crap after a good 15-year streak of sympathetic oh my god no wonder you don't like monkeys now reactions i had to own up to the lie it lived a long life tl dr i don't want paul frank merchandise because an imaginary monkey bit me and stole my dollar and ruined my field trip i thought i was the only one who didn't like monkeys i've lived my whole life thinking there was nobody else but seriously you're completely right they're similar enough to humans that it's creepy but they're also animals tl dr i come from a family of criminals many of which are presently incarcerated and have to habitually come up with elaborate partly true lies for my boyfriend's ridiculously nice family i don't remember most of what i've told them anymore i come from a very dysfunctional family with an extensive criminal background many members presently incarcerated my long-term boyfriend's family is ridiculously nice and normal and always ask about how my insert family member here is doing whenever we meet up anyways i am not at all like my family and didn't want them to think less of me so i've made up a number of backstories egg about what so and so was presently up to even though i talked to them once in a blue moon the only one that becomes super problematic is my brother he's serving time in max security when they asked about him i liked them said he was welding which he did before going to prison bill had just relocated to the location of the prison for a change then he was transferred he is a pretty violent fellow so when they asked again it was oh he's doing okay he's just moved his business onto location of new prison but then the plot thickens they ask questions about what's going on in his life how often he gets to see his kids with the move he recently had split up with my terror other sister-in-law and how their new kitten was doing well he was recently slashed up with a razor at the new place he hasn't seen his kids in years and my ex-sister-in-law let the kitten out to roam freely and it was run over by a car i don't remember what i've told them anymore including where he was at last we spoke as he was transferred again so it's really hard keeping up with the lies i know i'm going to slip up one day what's worse is i had my last name legally changed in university as i know it would haunt me post-grad i'm going for my md and they recently discovered that i don't share a last name with my parents thank you christmas cards i was caught off guard when they asked me about it pretty sure i told them it was because my new name sounded nicer so i've now joined the ranks of ringo starr i guess my girlfriend's family is super nice and when my dad was addicted to drugs and later when he went to prison i wanted to come up with a lie just like you did instead i opted with the truth and they were totally accepting and offered to help me with whatever i needed the mom ended up helping me graduate high school a year early and has us over for dinner almost every night i told my girlfriend her mother and several of our friends that roger federer bathed in alpine milk as it helped him recover from injuries they believed this for over a year until i cracked and told them the truth it seems they had even told other people the sly one of whom even tweeted him to ask for the truth i don't remember how this got started but we have convinced nearly every that we know that my brother is adopted he definitely isn't adopted and we look similar the entire family is in on it everyone always says no he's not adopted and i'll tell them just go ask our mother and she just plays along it got to the point where when he switched from middle school to high school everyone in his class just believed it and after a while the entire school just accepted it it was a small high school everybody knew everybody else but it gets better it has gone so far that some of our extended family now believes that he is adopted my aunt was at his birth but we convinced her that he is adopted that i'm confident outgoing and care about a lot of things i don't given the chance i'd rather build a cave and read books all day be yourself free yourself build that cave i was going away with my friends by a train two summers ago in our country it's pretty common that railway stations have an old train wagon on display outside so when i saw it i started this joke with my friend how my father his father and his father all used to drive trains now she knew i was kidding and she went along with it acting all surprised and asking me all these questions about trains but this old man that was sitting behind us overheard and all excitingly started telling how he used to drive trains and all that i still went along with it because i found it funny but the enthusiasm that man had about trains was really adorable in second grade my mom and i moved from one state to another i would send letters to my old classmates and they would write me back i told them that my dad a rancher had bought me a horse i don't remember what i named this fictional horse but i sent multiple letters with drawings of me riding the horse one day i don't know why but i felt really guilty about it and broke down and told my mom that i had been lying to my old classmates she had no idea i had invented a pet horse and i think she was just amused i don't remember being punished for it my brother works at a restaurant with high tourist traffic in orlando he likes to tell all the customers he's from allen texas arlen is an amalgamation of richardson and garland have briefly lived in both i can say they should just drop the g already tagged b on the side of our own house at age 8 with a can of spray paint i found lying around i denied knowing anything about it at the time and my father eventually came to the loose conclusion it was one of the neighborhood kids i held on to that life for at least 10 years and finally told my dad a month or two ago but the paint is too faded to be legible by now but it just makes me smile whenever i walk past that particular wall i break into tiffany's at midnight do i go for the vault no i go for the chandelier it's priceless as i'm taking it down a woman catches me she tells me to stop it's her father's business she's tiffany i say no we make love all night in the morning the cops come and i escape in one of their uniforms i tell her to meet me in mexico but i go to canada i don't trust her besides i like the cold 30 years later i get a postcard i have a son and he's the chief of police this is where the story gets interesting i tell tiffany to meet me in paris by the trocadero she's been waiting for me all these years she's never taken another lover i don't care i don't show up i go to berlin that's where i stashed the chandelier i had someone tell me a 10-minute story of how they didn't speak a word of anything until third grade but learned read and write before that in third grade this person walked up in front of the class and said i am now competently speaking the english language this was told to me seriously and with a straight face as if it actually happened when i was about 11 i lied to my family and friends and then the police and the school that some psycho had tried to get me into his car i got such a buzz from it that i lied that he'd waited for me on my evening paper round and swung at me with a knife or screwdriver i ended up having cops tail me on the round once or twice i had to go class to class in school to tell the story to make sure the other kids were vigilant for the made-up child catcher i must have frightened the wits out of my poor parents i've never come clean about it 30 years later i convinced my co-workers i had a biological african-american sister-sister and it was because both my mother and father had african-american heritage even though we are all pretty white i made up a whole bit about how it was a recessive gene and that she just happened to be dark-skinned my real sister is white as snow so i convinced a friend from college to take a few brother-sister photos including one in my high school graduation robes to really sell it well my dad decided to come into the store where i worked and one of my co-workers immediately asked him about her demanding to know if she was adopted my dad looked at me and knew what i had done and decided to roll with it for me and began berating my co-worker ruthlessly and got the manager involved and ended up leaving with a shotgun for 50 off [Music] right now i am helping clean out my friend's apartment she got evicted and has to move to another state her apartment is a mess and three stroke four of the stuff and they has to go to goodwill or the trash two other friends and i are packing sorting and throwing stuff out occasionally my friend calls to ask where such and such an object is we managed to pack all the valuables and sentimental stuff but most everything else is gone if she asks about something that we've tossed or given away we all pretend like we haven't seen it it may be cruel but she doesn't have a lot of options and this is for her own good as her apartment looks like one of those places off of hoarders you're being a good friend back in the day when i was a young and foolish lad my girlfriend and i wanted some uninterrupted alone time but i was heading out of state for the start of the fall semester soon so we came up with the story that i was leaving on a thursday afternoon to avoid the crush of traffic that would occur without the kids moving into the dorms over the weekend in reality we booked a local motel room from thursday to sunday morning i was going to actually leave after our fun time but call my parents thursday night saying i had arrived at school safely so the time came and i called them and told them i was there and safe and sound checked into my room which in some way was a truth but not the truth my girlfriend and i then proceeded to have an interesting couple of days to our own sunday afternoon came and as planned i departed for school from the motel what was not planned was the fact that my car decided to break down about halfway there i was stuck in the middle of the next state over about four hours from my destination and about four hours from home it was quite the awkward phone call i had to make home my dad had to take his truck and rent a tow bar to get my car down to a garage that was near the dorms we rode in silence for about two and a half hours until we stopped at a rest area for gas and food when we were walking back to the truck he stopped and turned to me to say i have no idea how you thought you could get away with this little escapade of yours considering how poorly maintained your car is i just want you to know that i am more disappointed in you for that than the fact that you lied to this about when you were leaving and the whole motel thing but for three quarts of oil you would have gotten away with it he then proceeded to beat the living crap out of me with a set of jumper cables right there in the parking lot ever since that day i have always kept the fluids in my cars topped up and checked regularly yes he's back freaking awesome champ first to spot are you reject zero one zero in the wild when i was young there was always that kid who owned a nintendo 65 or new tomb raider nude cheats what blatant lies were told to you by that kid my friend had a pet tiger but it gets messy so it had to live in the shed and no one was allowed in the shed to see the tiger and he had a leprechaun that lived in the tree but it wouldn't stick around for cameras so everyone had to just say they saw it back in middle school there was a guy i went to school with who would tell us all the crazy stories about a friend named turk he would tell us how turk was a gang member how they stole cars and smoked weed on the weekends got in fights etc he told us that he lost his virginity to turk's girlfriend when we were in the sixth grade lots of stories like that which no one believed most of the stories were pretty funny actually i liked hearing him tell them even if i knew he was making them up in eighth grade turk died and he stopped telling us stories about him r.i.p turk him at my old karate dojo they taught us to throw fireballs me oh and why the frick would you leave that dojo it burned down down that he was the goalie of a travelling hockey team and he was already being scouted by the blackhawks kid was age 13 and obese barely able to run for a minute without stopping that same kid said he took his bb gun out on the weekends and looked for kids wearing reebok pump sneakers and he would hide in the bushes and shoot their pumps so that the air pouches inside would explode that very same kid told us he was in a laser tag league and that he knew of all kinds of secret passages and trap doors in the local laser tag place he said there's a trap door that you can open and get a laser bazooka if you knew where to find it that very same kid what a coincidence right also told us that his family was friends with all of the richest families in chicago and that he could get free cars candy mcdonald's basically whatever he wants whenever a new video game was coming out he would claim to have already played it and beaten it because he gets all the games before they come out i never met anyone in school who actually ever saw that kid's real house or how he lived in high school he got really into drag racing and killed a kid when he slammed into a family's minivan when he was dragged racing one of his friends on a street after midnight that story ended up being true frick that guy another kid said he saved a kid from a car accident but the car fell on him and broke both his arms this was after he was absent from school for three weeks and then came back with two broken arms it turns out he was waiting for the school bus and he was freestyle dancing this was in the year of hammer time in the street and he got hit by a car i worked with a guy like that now it's ridiculous this 35 year old man who has the exact same salary that i do claims to have a multi-story car garage in iowa with 35-41 cars depending on the story that day perpetual sentence finished and one upper as well drives me crazy even though it is largely harmless this guy and i are in the military together so i can pull his records and see pretty detailed info on his past activities here are some more since this picked up steam went to africa to help clear landmines graduated from texas a m has a computer with multiple sound cards owns a successful landscaping business he is considering trading for a mcdonald's and maybe a wendy's has over 15 000 acres of farmland in iowa row what the frick it's just sad that he'd lie about that at 35 besides i have a 5 million car garage in space when i was 8 i desperately wanted a walkman with all my heart that kid not only had one but then said he had five of them and would bring in two of his spares to school on monday one for me and one for my brother no matter how often my mum said not to believe him i was convinced i'd get a walkman first thing monday i even took one of my older brothers mj tapes to school when i asked him if he brought it he shrugged and said he gave them to his cousins what a dong this happened with me but it was with any says he had like five of them and offered to sell them to me for really cheap then when i finally got to see one it was really old and he wasn't actually selling it on the topic of video games this one kid said that he was flown in by helicopter by nintendo power the magazine to test out some really cool video games that the general public would never see other lies told by this kid he got married to her princess in japan and to get to the island from the states they stuffed him into a giant cannon and shot him over there he could absorb electricity through a telephone pole and shoot it out of his fingertips like raiden from mortal kombat i said i could run a mile in seven minutes determined to sound better than me my neighbor said he could run a mile in 6 minutes and 74 seconds maybe he was making a joke there was a girl in high school who was a constant liar she always made up these dramatic stories about herself to get attention the worst lie she ever told was that she had cancer garnered a whole bunch of sympathy from everyone in our school and then magically one day poof no more cancer when we asked her about it she would say that she got a shot that cured it what a bee has the cure for cancer and then doesn't share it with everyone else a buddy's uncle apparently worked for nintendo and got him like seven copies of goldeneye before it even came out i have no idea why he would lie about that in 2005 while playing halo surely you mean zero zero seven copies my dad is a spy he can get me motorbikes made of lava do you want one oh and guns too do you want any guns he was an english accountant by day that is i was once that kid there was a little bragging crap talking about how he had the latest mario while we were in preschool i told him i had mario 33 just to frick with him he believed me and was so spoiled that he pitched a huge fit because someone had something better than him his mom came to pick him up and he was in full tantrum mode the teacher and his mom kept telling him it wasn't true but i wouldn't back down they had to wait until my mom showed to try to get her to make me tell the truth she supported my freaking with the little crap my dad approves back when i played pokemon silver i was stuck on a certain part there was a guy blocking the door blocking the mahogany town gym and i had no idea how to get him out of the way the kid who lived next door to me told me to release the red juradas i caught at the mahogany lake and the guy would move out of the way i did and of course nothing happened that was the only jiradus of its kind in the game and the only way to get it back would be to start a new game i stopped talking to him he moved away a year later i hope he's dead in a ditch somewhere hahaha have i got the kid for you my buddy let's call him david was this kid and on a number of occasions he was always telling us about these revolutionary new things he had or could do one he was part of the triads on a trip to china two he discovered a city of pure gold underneath hong kong three he was given a playstation nine that took multiple games and morphed them into one super game four he could flick pennies into trees and run up them five while playing wow he discovered gear that had plus nine 000 stats on them right after burning crusade was released but the admins came and took them from him because they were glitched items six on a trip to europe he met some djs and got to go on tour with them to some of the big major clubs and dj with them these are just a few off the top of my head i'll try and think of some more this one kid came to school elementary bragging about how he got this awesome optimus prime toy the big one like one foot long in truck form with a trailer he said he paid like thirty dollars i was like holy crap i have thirty dollars so i beg and beg my parents to take me to the toy store and finally we go there it is optimus prime one hundred dollars defect i was so sad i asked him about it the next day and he's like oh yeah my parents paid the rest frick you butthole i had that one some dick face stole it from me in elementary school my parents were pretty broke so it was amazing that i had it in the first place it was actually the only dang transformer i had i still wanna find that guy and break his kneecaps my friend always said that his father worked for a tnt so he got all of the ipads free he also said that his dad worked at blizzard the fb the marines and was a former astronaut his dad worked at mcdonald's this one is actually sad dang sad for the kid not the father if you go to the space center in pokemon ruby and sapphire and talk to the guy who is counting off rockets when he reaches 1100 you can go to the moon and catch deoxys the internal battery would always die before then but my emerald is still counting and is nearing 400 after nearly eight years we'll finally find out around 2025. oh man 2 come to mind both from the same friend first when six flags was first opening batman the ride or something like that he told me that he had gotten to go on it what he described was essentially a haunted house type situation except you were stuck in there for days me being the gullible little idiot i am believed it despite having thoughts like is that even allowable the other one was slightly more subtle he claimed he had a friend who was in the movie hook he would point out this one kid on the screen at various points in the movie and claimed that was him he made up stories that he had heard from his friend like how old he ate on set was the frosting served during the meal scenes and crap like that by the way if you're referring to the batman roller coaster at six flags over texas it is an awesome roller coaster albeit less than a minute long that kid was my cousin and he claimed he had beaten battle toads for the nintendo this was obviously a lie no one has ever beaten that game when people mention the most difficult video games i always bring up battletoads it is impossible this one's a lie i told growing up we had a computer with windows 95 it was starting to get a little old and i wanted a new one so i told my dad that we need a new computer because i really want this new game that's only for windows 96 my dad works in i.t so he just laughed at me but it almost worked on my mom that is rich cousin had a car that he could drive using a playstation controller as the steering wheel because he qualified through some simulation and it was then legal i was about seven or so at the time and it was pretty hard for me to believe but i couldn't disprove it i too have seen me too i worked with children for a while a few years back it was an after-school program where we would just supervise them and keep them busy until their parents showed up a group of a ten-year-old kids were sitting around talking to me about video games and were all amazed to hear about the adult games i played that their parents wouldn't let them play i was talking about gears of war leaving out the gory bits of course and one kid started insisting that he played it all the time on his wii he was really arrogant about it and was talking to me like i was an idiot i maintained my composure and didn't call him out but in my head i was screaming you sit on a throne of lies you little piece of crap yeah i didn't work with kids for very long when i was younger i remember we went to the movies and there was an older guy maybe 18 wearing a flame shirt and had greasy hair was ranting about the playstation 3 that he had in japan because it was out over there already this was when ps2 was still new this guy was saying the graphics were way more amazing and they had more metal gear solid games out for it and whatnot i never believed him he's a redditor now i actually kinda was that kid at one point i don't know where it came from and i've never really done anything similar again because i cringe pretty hard when i think back on it basically when i was in primary school during pay i would tell my friend that i played basketball in a team this is because i'd always wear this basketball jersey i had with some made up team on it i'd say stuff about how i was really good and when i'd play like crap during pay i just brush it off by saying stuff like no man i'm not going to put effort in just playing for fun but on the flip side if i pulled something cool off it would be because i was so pro at basketball anyway this went on for quite a while until one day my mom asks me why my friend's mother called and asked about when to catch my games because they would love to come check one out i never thought that he would tell anybody else but in hindsight it makes sense what reason did he have to doubt i was telling the truth i think the thing that hit the hardest though was just a look on my mother's face when she explained to me that i shouldn't just make stuff up the stupid thing is after all these years i can't even do a proper basketball shot i had this same thing but my story was that i put a pencil in my urethra don't know why i told people the story don't know why they believed it never got disproved frick i feel really weird for that story a decade later how to catch mew in pokemon red although i remember seeing a video on youtube proving something similar to this i was told that when going on board the ssn to get hm01 cut if you battled one of the sailors and lost after getting the hum you would get taken back to the pocket center and the ssn wouldn't leave you would then progress through the game until you got the surf hum then go back to the ssn surf behind it and you could push it and you would find new underneath it my friend had me convinced that harris didn't die in his playthrough of ffviii i thought i had done something wrong for the longest time yeah you held down circle you heartless bastard my neighbor told me his uncle gave him a special n64 controller with an extra button that enabled characters in super smash brothers to perform what would later be called final smashes his favorite character was pikachu and so pikachu's final smash was the best it greatly resembled what the actual final smash would be a ball of electricity that flies around the stage my favorite character was luigi and the final smash he made up for luigi was crappy just like the real final smash my friend was kind of unbutthole sometimes our favorite game of the time for the n64 was battlezone rise of the black dogs great game mix of space tank battles between the us and ussr and rts anyway one of the later levels in the game was about finding alien technology on europa or some crap in one of the soviet missions you could be one of the crazy alien spaceship thingies well my friend told me that you could be any of the alien spaceships by using the special cheat code which was chosen by the developers because they were all old fat guys who wished they had abs needless to say i was pretty miffed when i figured out he was lying a friend told me that on the path to mt moon if you waited for a certain time a cave would open inside that cave that cave you would find an old man he would give you a blue book but only in exchange of a red book how do you get the red book then you had to talk to someone don't remember where and he would give you a red book in exchange of a blue book when i repeated this instructions to my friend he replied yeah that's right and that is how i learnt the meaning of deadlock thug i have a really bad one i felt so dumb only excuse is that i was in fourth or fifth grade this new kid moved into town and bragged that his dad owned a spy store that sold hidden cameras invisible ink and with aviao he had a cool laser pointer that he used to disrupt the teachers and get the class to laugh one day we found out that our birthdays were remarkably close and he told me that if i got him a birthday present he would reciprocate with a laser pointer that could actually cut through things naturally i was stoked went to my parents had them buy some premium ghirardelli chocolate for my new best friend's birthday leaving out the detail of what i expected in return so i give him his gift he is mildly amused and tells me that he will get the laser to me asap after that he started avoiding me and i came to the realization that i had been duped brandon i think the kids name was brandon if i ever run into you i will cuss you despite not having the laser to do it with slightly off-topic but related when i was in middle school my mom remarried and i inherited an older step-brother he's four years older than i and when i was 11-16 he was just the coolest guy ever he's a man in pretty much every way possible and generates ridiculous stories everywhere he goes when i was in high school i'd be the naggy little brother tagging along to his parties hanging out with his college friends etc i was the opposite of cool at the time but i was still allowed to be sidekick at some of these parties like i said my brother was and still is the man he left home and nh went to college in florida partied constantly with insanely hot women went semi-pro as a whack-a-boarder was an amateur boxer with a 2-0 record got his black belt in tkd commissioned in the usmc after college and is now a captain and is generally just an all-around badass p magnet of a man he also has a great sense of humor and is always the life of whatever party he goes to anyways i'm done polishing his dong to all of you you get my point and yeah i fully admit that i have a bit of a man crush on him in the sense that i wish i could live his life i'd go into school with all these stories like a man over the weekend we had a party at mom's house and dana hooked up with two chicks in the bathtub at the same time all my friends thought i was full of crap i wasn't he really did those things and i could write a freaking novel of stupid and hilariously awesome things he's done i remember hearing of a hidden hum in the first gen pokemon games that would allow you to cut through boundary areas and get to hidden tall grass area which would allow you to capture all manner of evolved powerful monsters for instance that area off to the side of pallet town ah yes the particular rumor in my neighborhood was you had to talk to your mother 1000 times and professor oak would come in and tell you to follow him then he would give you hm6 to cut through the wall and meet bill who would fly you to his garden behind his house where you could catch level 100 pokemon when i got a gamma cube for my confirmation kinda like a christian bar mitzvah except girls for them too he said he was getting something called a game q or game q it was like a gamma cube but it could play cds and all the older nintendo cartridges constant one upper and a sore loser there was a planned cd dvd compatible gamecube mad under license by panasonic i think it was called the q-cube it was only released in japan i think in this case he may have wanted or expected one i know i did a high school friend tried to convince everyone that one time he forgot how to breath and almost died he also told everyone that he gets free kfc in wales only wales my friend in third grade told me he had a laptop that would do all his homework for him when i called him out he ripped his pants off and fisted his own butt you silly kids and your drugs i once asked this sucker why he seemed so popular and he said because his dad was archie manning i said no one was that popular cause of their dad and walked away a few days later i found out i had asked peyton manning why he was so popular one kid told me that there was a cheat in harvest moon a wonderful life to shoot exploding seeds at bandits with a slingshot he then told me that you could farm hybrid plants in windwaker he was a very confused kid this one kid just made up completely fake games that didn't exist that he claimed to have the one that i remember most was called school revenge everyday school items like pencils were weapons teachers were bosses the principal was the final boss sounded so bad but my eyes have seen the glory of the closing of the school we have tortured every teacher we have broken every rule we plan to kill the principal tomorrow afternoon i had this friend who claimed that his mom who lived two states away and remarried to another man had like a giant mansion and they had like 10 cars there and a boatload of dvd players of course the question becomes why didn't you move in with your mom instead of living in that shack with your dad the best lie came when i was getting kind of sick of him and he said that he had the world's fastest commercial computer and his proof he circled an ad from a magazine and showed it to us we called out his bulls on that and later on when it was brought up again he was like well it's not the fastest now that just sounds sad i knew a kid in grade school who bragged about how his dad was a doctor and bought him all the americans games and some japanese ones too my mom worked with his mom and while it's true that his dad was a doctor it turns out that he'd walked out on them a few years prior and he was now completely absent from their lives i still feel sorry for that kid that he smoked so much weed that in middle school he just had to sniff it to get high also about how he was always on mushrooms because his brother grew them in his closet that was until he got suspended for it then started to blame everyone else i think he is still living in his parents basement a kid told me of a nudality in mortal kombat don't remember which one before killing them you could strip them of their clothes it would have been nice for katana i am a native spanish speaker and was told by my brother that da nada translates to english as denim queen so i was arguing with my english teacher because she said it was your welcome a kid back in middle school quickly became notorious for lying but his very first one was that his dad owned a corvette with five spoilers and he was going to get when he was 16. the one that made people stop talking to him was when he said fiona apple was his babysitter when he was three four years old i remember my friend's brother telling me you could get gray fox's sword in metal gear solid he said you had to beat the ninja boss battle on extreme difficulty while smoking and could not use your gun once i tried it over and over again [Music] i reconnected with that kid recently and he tells me that he's pulling 185 whp from his hyundai accent with a ported and polished engine and an ecu reflash i chortle heartily at it when i was 12 my dream guy asked me if i liked nirvana i was still in the boy bands and dance routines and said yeah i like the new stuff this was in 2001. read it what other embarrassingly obvious lies have you told to seem cooler i was probably about 10 years old my friend's older brother asked me if i like alice cooper i wanted to be cool so i was like yeah man she's hot they laughed their asses off at me yeah i really enjoy allison chains and panthera not a lie so much as it was obvious i had no idea what was going on moments in sixth grade i moved and went into a new school district incidentally the new school system had three elementary schools grades k5 feeding into two different middle schools grade six eight so not a lot of kids knew each other in one random class we did an exercise where you partner up interview the person then present what you learned about them to the class young meek socially inept and culturally unaware little me was partnered with one of the coolest dudes in the room i couldn't really explain why he was cool he was just one of the guys that seemed calm and confident and everyone knew him and liked him popular in a word so anyway i was interviewing him asked his favorite band and he says tupac i wrote it down and moved to the next question and while presenting i go and andy likes the band two pack twas met with giggles stares and a correction from the teacher i was not a very cool kid it's okay i still do these things once when i was 14 my friends asked me if i was up for some mj i replied that i'm not really huge fan of michael jackson but wouldn't care if they played some truth is i hated michael jackson they meant pot when i was in an elementary school fourth or fifth grade i lied about having a water bed because i thought it was the coolest thing ever i kept up this life for months but one day when half my cub scout troop was at my house for a pack meeting they went into my bedroom and exposed me for the fraud i was i have a similar-ish story i went to camp when i was younger i was about eight i was just a really typical little girl i wore overalls and pigtails and really wanted to be cool my friend's elder sister was our gateway to cool music so i'd bring around burned cds off sublime and blink 182 this is the early 90s without having any idea what we were listening to one of my camp counselors a boy in his late teens early 20s was clearly slightly punkish or at least into music and dressed how a lot of kids in suburbia did when it was 1996 and they liked alternative bands i decided he was cool and he needed to like me one day he had on a shirt that if you looked at it for a while had the smashing pumpkins logo on it i only knew of one song by the smashing pumpkins 1979 from listening to radio it was played maybe every four songs or so it was quite popular so one day i was walking behind him reading the lyrics on the back of the shirt i already know from the front it's smashing pumpkins i'm staring intently and he sees me so i decide to not knowingly as if i'm quite absorbed in these lyrics clearly over my head he joked you like what you're reading and i just go smashing pumpkins yeah they are cool he seemed quite surprised and asked his friend if the back of his shirt said the band's name it didn't he asked me if i recognized the band just from the lyrics and i said of course like the little social climbing a swipe i was slowly becoming he asked me what albums i liked and i crap you not said a the older stuff mostly not what's on the radio because that's what my best friend's cool older sister always said about bands for the rest of the summer he seemed pretty impressed by me not in a creepy he was too interested in me kind of way but if i was near the other counselors he'd say i was awesome and that i was his bud obviously it felt very very cool but i was in constant fear of him asking me more music related questions and i'd have to reveal i didn't know anything i think that was the same summer i was too scared to go in the pool because i was a bundle of neurosis so i'd read in a field near the quarry he also found that rad as if i was being counter culture i have been faking coolness for decades i think you accidentally are cool gnarly dude when i was in daycare i saw a commercial for a hot wheels track set that had a loop and a badass voice said it defies gravity for later that winter i went sledding with the daycare ladies son and friends they were older they built a big jump on the hill and put me on the sled and sent me off i took off and landed pretty much at the bottom of the hill then went through a fence and into a little brook they cleaned me up terrified and i sat like a badass i defied gravity and they laughed their asses off i had no idea what defy gravity meant at the time that's absolutely adorable when i was five i told my older cousins that i was actually from the jungle had a pet tiger and could drink water through my ear i bet they were so jealous i swirled a glass of red wine smelled it and said wow you can really smell those tannins the girl i was out with informed me you can't smell tannins back when i was in kindergarten baggy pants were huge pun intended this cool kid that i didn't really know would always wear these awesome black pants with flames up the side i asked him about them and he gave a typical cool sounding name for them after he asked if i had any i told him my mom was getting me a pair the next day i avoided him from then on until my family moved 1200 miles away later that year a few years ago i was in dublin with my family unhappy with my eastern european origins i decided to pretend i was british i bought a poster from a street vendor guy asks me where you from comma london nice i used to live in the city as well which borough are you from i could have given a million plausible answers being 16 and a dumbass i'm like at the east end where exactly at this point i make my escape to wherever i was going cringing all the way there it's one of the few awkward moments in my life that make me physically cringe to this day i told a girl i liked i smoked cigarettes to show off to her my mom found this out and did the whole smoke a pack of cigarettes until your sick punishment and by god it worked i mean i never smoked in the first place but it worked and now you have lung cancer this always stands out in my mind even though i was a child when i did it i was on vacation with my family when i was around 9 or 10 i slipped and fell on the pool deck at our hotel a very nice looking older man helped me up and asked if i was ok i was so embarrassed i shouted i did it on purpose and ran away just saying if i were him i probably would assume you meant their later work not the stuff that has been made very recently but everyone's their own worst critic and this was with a crush so i can see why you'd beat yourself up over it so much you know your right was previously and released until it came out around that time that might have worked as well see if you always say you like their early stuff before they hit it big you're always covered and you sound hipster cool cause they probably haven't heard it i liked end sync when they were underground when lost was still on a girl i liked asked me if i watched it i said i don't watch it all the time maybe once a week i didn't know it only came on once a week she called me out on it one time i was talking to some guy at choir practice and he asked me if i played pokemon my brother played pokemon and magic the gathering but i didn't really know the difference so i responded with you i think the islands and swamps are really cool looking he kind of just blank stared for a moment i was pretty sure i said something wrong so our conversation consisted of him telling me stuff and me mhm and oh yeah thanksgiving when i was 14 my older cooler cousin and i were hanging out while the adults were drinking wine and getting silly my cousin pulled out a joint took a hit and said you smoke weed right i said of course as i took a massive hit and choked dinner was served and i was so dang high all i could do is sit and stare i remember my mom saying why aren't you eating i looked over at my cousin and he was laughing his butt off geez on my 13th halloween night of my life my very protective mother let me go out with my friends unsupervised we met up with some other friends from school who were hanging out with a couple older kids around 14 or 15. i thought i was cool because i was skateboarding and probably saying the word frick a lot well we ended up at the house the older kids wanted to get to all night and the lady living there answered the door and said dang you brought all of these people my sheltered little self let out oh it's okay i don't want any candy the lady was not worried about giving out candy it was the blunt in her hand she was worried about passing around to all of us was on a date with a young handsome doctor he told me his family were persian i commented i don't know much about persia at least you didn't say i don't know much about cats i used to lie about my favorite color and said it was green cause i'm a tool bag and did whatever it took to fit in my favorite color is orange op is your name brooke if so pm me were the same age and i recall asking this very same question when i was 12 2 we had english junior high together not really a lie or a line but embarrassing still i had a photography class with this girl i had a crush on since elementary school our teacher makes us present the pictures to the class anonymously so he can get a class grade in his grade well there's a picture of a women in what appears clothes from the medieval era so i said aloud she looks like a gypsy turns out it was her mom i hid in shame for the rest of the year when you said dream guy i thought it was like the guys from inception and bonnie stinson needed them for something legendary he's got a guy for everything i was really ashy once and kept scratching my leg on the bus a kid asked how i had all of those scratches and i told him that my pet tiger always scratched me to wake me up in about fourth or fifth grade a new kid joined our class we had the largest class in k-12 at a whopping 40 kids so it was kinda a big deal whenever there was a new kid and he somehow instantly became the cool kid the one that everyone liked i was not the cool kid but as most children in elementary school i wanted to be the cool kid so i observed my enemy saw he had wrote aussie on his knuckles so i did that the next day he walks by sees my knuckles and asks if i like dozy now this was before i even knew what the heck aussie even was so instead of going all out and saying yeah i kept it subtle i said something along the lines of not really he is all right i guess nine years later he and i are best friends weird how that works in first grade i told this kid that i had a machine that could create new power rangers movies from blank tapes he believed me and came over to see it so i told him that my mom didn't let me show it to people flawless i have the opposite type of story i told one of my friends whose mother was babysitting us at the time that i wanted to be a stripper i was maybe 10 she of course like a little b runs off to tell her mom her mom comes over to talk to me and i tell her of course i want to be a stripper digging up dinosaur bone sounds awesome but i knew what a stripper was i knew full well it was bad and i shouldn't want to be a stripper but i never did understand why anyone would want to work a real job when they could just take their clothes off do a little dance and come home with hundreds of dollars to spend on candy i didn't have to play cool i was cool i had to lie about being so cool of course i want to be a stripper digging up dinosaur bone sounds awesome really smart save for a 10 year old kudos this will get buried but here goes in grade school a friend of mine told me all about how he loved to go on roller coasters he liked to name all the roller coasters he had been on and all the theme parks across the country he went to it was his thing and being naive kids we were all impressed in eighth grade there was a carnival at our school and we went on the super round-up together basically an open graviton that tilts he started sobbing before it even started to tilt and beg the operator to stop the ride it was then i realized he was a big fat phony and my little mind was blown here's a story about jacking off i was around 10 i would follow my older brother 14 when he would go hang out with the other boys in the neighborhood who were about 15 or 16 or one of their favorite pastimes was to basically corrupt me show me playboys etc one day they were discussing fapping what they like to use where they fap that sort of thing one neighbor asks me hey gokuj you ever choked the chicken i figured they would realize i was completely lost as to what they're talking about if i said number so my 10 year old self responded yeah i guess sometimes they laughed really hard i didn't know what was happening i pretend i watch a lot of popular movies like the avengers and don't kill me all the batman movies for some i'll just read the plot summary on wikipedia so i'll understand the references my friends are making i usually don't care enough to devote a 2.5 hours block of time to watching a movie unless friends are over the most pop culture i get is from watching movies on international flights i have bullshitted my way through many conversations about favorite characters and quotes and i'm pretty sure it's glaringly obvious i haven't seen anything colon i went into hot topic to buy a skirt and was kinda looking around for a top to wear with it when i was accosted with a sales girl she gave me a dropkick murphy's top and asked if i liked them and i said yeah i love them and bought the shirt i had no idea who they were and when i looked them up decided i really hated them still wear the shirt though hanging out with a slightly older family friend who i thought was super cool she asked if i liked marilyn manson to which i said i love her stuff so good i still couldn't tell manson was a guy when she showed me an image of him when my wife and i first met in college she told me that she was failing math and needed a tutor i offered to help she had an a plus in math and i was failing wasn't i know you're right released in 2001 on nirvana's self titled best of you would have looked like you know your crap if i didn't do the up i stopped her before then i could have passed okay is this the day i went to a private high school in seattle and once a year there was a trip in vance to canyonlands utah we drove down there for about a week of extended hiking and camping and at night the students camped in one area and the adults in another mostly so we could be up and loud in the early evening so a couple of popular boys said that they were high on a drug called sparenghe they acted really weird and i wanted to be cool so i said that i was on it too i was basically telling everyone in my graduating class that i was high when pretty much everyone else knew that the drug was made up and therefore i was standing there in front of them pretending and they all knew it and didn't let until later okay it gets worse when we return to the city i pointed out the definition of sperengium a sporing component of mushrooms and claimed that i thought they were on mushrooms and then i recanted and said that that wasn't true either i felt bad taking an out i heard about that for about a year until it was silenced by my next incident in which i came to school with a split lip and in the retelling dismissed someone's question about whether they were bigger than i and thus the word went out that i had been assaulted by a [ __ ] i an american was in australia and hanging with this english girl from liverpool a friend put on get back by the beatles and i said to her you like this band from your hometown she asked who it was and i responded the beatles to which she responded oh is it newish needless to say fatherpin to be fair that was probably forever ago kids listen to funny things these days a friend in elementary school asked young girl me do you know what redtube is me yeah of course him so what do you think so i knew either it was a fun website or a dirty site so i guessed oh it's funny what when i was six i told my friends i was the voice of ariel in the little mermaid and when they didn't believe that i said okay fine but family did have to donate a lot of rocks and shells and stuff to help make the set sophomore year i claimed i went on a date when in reality i just went to the movies with my lesbian friend i'm so ashamed one time my friend called me up and asked if i wanted to go to mickey d's with her and i replied yeah i need some new cds anyway everything i said up to 16 50 of what i said up to 20 25 of what i said up to 24 and so on think it's called the law of diminishing bullshitting or something but i might just be saying for to sound cool in fifth grade i heard the boy i liked talking about south park and he mentioned kenny i had never seen the show at the time but i wanted to impress him so i said oh yeah kenny the stuff he says is hilarious when i was in a primary school i told my classmate about how my mother found an old candy once and ate it he replied holy crap she should be mentioned in the guinness world records book i didn't know what it was so i thought he said something offensive in order to hurt him back i said something like oh yeah well your mother should be mentioned in stupid people's book then he explained to me what that book was about i still feel very ashamed about it when i was 15 16 i went to hotopic and was talking to the cashier who i had a huge crush on we somehow got on the topic of a clockwork orange and i really had only read like maybe the first 15 pgs of the book so i just dove in and talked to him as if i knew everything about it i had no idea what i was talking about and he knew it to be fair i can't recall when they released it but they came out with a compilation of nirvana bootlegs and unfinished tracks so they did technically release a new album at one point yeah sure i'm into scar society for creative anachronism fasopam not that there's anything wrong with that i'm just not he was that attractive all right ready time to fess up what's the biggest lie you've ever told when i was seven and in primary school we were in class sat on the floor and the teacher was reading something to us i was at the back really really bored i thought it would be funny if i fell asleep so i'll lay back and pretended about two minutes later one of the other kids started to laugh and shouted for hubble's fallen asleep some other kids laughed and i thought it was going to be hilarious the teacher stopped reading and shouted he better not be otherwise he is in huge trouble although at this point i decided there were two options continue to pretend and see where it goes or wake up and get in trouble i stayed asleep then things got a little crazy the teacher tried to wake me but i held my ground she became a little panicked which made me even more worried to wake up she called the headmaster they carried me to the nurse they called my dad and he came from work i am still pretending and quietly crapping myself about how i am going to get out of this dad turns up they call and ambulance this was my cue i fake waking up they are relieved but the ambulance still comes i spend the night in hospital feel really bad i made up a story that i hit my head when playing earlier in the day tl dr seven years old fake being asleep in school escalates spend a night in hospital still feel quite bad told my dad i faked it when i was 20 he didn't believe me this is a great kid logic is so devious sometimes a friend of mine has a running light going with the hairdressers the first time he went in there they thought he sounded american and asked if he was from there his brain must have massively trolled him at that point as he replied yes now every time he gets his hair cut he has to talk about how much he misses america and how different england is whilst pulling off a terrible accent it's been like four years he's in too deep it was my last quarter in college and i failed physics again everyone was coming down to see me graduate and have a party for me i'd been to lots of graduations in my almost six years in college so i knew that they didn't have a big list of names you handed the announcer a slip of paper with your name on it and they read it into the microphone then you get an empty diploma holder and go get your diploma after the ceremony so the morning of graduation i went to the auditorium with my cap and gown and found a person who was telling gradual swear to sit etc and said omg i left my slip of paper at home omg omg what can i do when she just asked me my name wrote it down and handed me a new slip i walked across the stage to the cheers of my friends and family had an awesome graduation party and everyone went home i moved to another state and the following summer came back took that class and really graduated didn't go to that ceremony i told my parents i was thinking about graduate school and wanted to take some classes to see if that's what i should do almost 20 years later and my they still don't know what happened i see no reason to tell them ever as a professor i often assist in planning this type of ruse for students failing my class they honestly appreciate the help in the fifth grade i thought it would be cool to convince the class that i had nerve damage in my right arm and couldn't feel anything in it every time i told someone this they would test it out by jabbing me in the arm with a pencil or pinching me or even outright punching me and i had to sit there with a straight face to keep up the lie i was not a bright child most painful lie i ever told they bought it though i had a super annoying friend david who i saw almost daily in elementary school because our parents were friends and we lived down the block from each other he was gullible and kind of stupid and one day on a whim i convinced him that i was running an underground laboratory at la dexter's laboratory from my basement and that i was working on giving us both superpowers i hiked it up for almost an entire year sketching out intricate designs and taking notes on exactly how he wanted his superpowers to work until one day i broke the news to him that an evil rival scientist destroyed my lab and poor david would just be short and normal forever i i think i'm that david i told the principal a big story about why i did not do my homework in second grade i explained that i had a pet alligator that shredded it up while we were playing little kid logic said that no one would believe that a dog ate my homework so i brilliantly deduced that i should use the same story but say it was an alligator i was convincing enough that they called my parents it took my mom about a minute to convince the principal that i had an active imagination and that there was no alligator wrestling going on we were just wrestling i faked being stereotypically gay so that i would get bigger tips at a restaurant where i worked i usually got 150 a night i don't know about my biggest but most likely my most elaborate stupid you know how the school report cards all have a unique font and means of preventing forgery nothing like modern currency but you couldn't just pull up the font on a computer well i was having a rough go of things all around from about junior high on i think it was 9th grade and my dad starts asking for the report card for that quarter knowing i'm going to get my crap kicked again for crapping out i managed to find a whole box of old report cards in the library when we were supposed to be doing research for a book report score so me being the resource for me grabbed a stack and tucked them away next day when we went back to the library i was prepared i had my xacto knife some whiteout scotch tape and unlimited use of the copy machine after careful analysis of what i would change to make it seem somewhat legit i went to work i had about an hour to make it happen having managed to avoid bloody fingerprints on the master from anzacto knife a nosy librarian and teacher or students i sat back just before the bell rang and admired my handiwork this would pass under scrutiny later on i give it to my dad and sure enough i'm in the clear a couple months go by and my dad is going through my room and a few papers fall out of one of my jacket pockets he opens them up and sees about four or five report cards not mine that are all hacked up for the individual letters i had used on my altered version busted funny part is he just kind of shook his head and smiled but didn't say much i was expecting the butt whooping of the century tl dr docted my report card passed it off but got busted later by my own evidence [ __ ] he isn't allowed to say it but he was very proud of you that day throw away for obvious reasons at work electronics retail i was called to work at the register for a while to help the line i was trained on it but not very thoroughly wasn't entirely comfortable with my knowledge of protocols and such but employer did not care got thrown up there anyways whenever they wanted an older couple came through my lane probably in their late 50s or early 60s they were very upbeat and personable but clearly in a rush didn't think too much of it since people are often in a rush around my area they were buying large sums of gift cards and some other stuff that i don't remember kept saying it was their grandkids birthday and how they were so excited total was about 2 500 i think seems like a lot but this is a very affluent area so it's not that unusual for someone to drop that much they split the purchase onto two credit cards and i processed their transaction without issue they went on their way about a week later a manager came to me and asked about an unusual purchase that i rang he told me that any purchase over 200 needed to have it checked and he asked if i checked their ids i wasn't aware of that fact but fearing for my job at this point i told him i did check their ids and everything matched turns out the older couple was using stolen credit cards i had to make a written statement for the police about everything had happened in the transaction including putting the lie that i verified ids for months after that i thought they would find out i lied and i would get fired i felt awful for the people whose cards were stolen and thought they would come in and blame me for it as they should have but nothing happened i remained in good standing with that employer for years tldr i naively enabled credit card fraud and light to not get fired dude that is not your fault i used to work for staples as a technician and they would pull me out to do cashier crap all the time and then get mad at me that i wasn't able to reach my quota retail sucks and it's not because the people it's because of the managers not mine but a friends my friend is a pretty huge doofus and is terrified of his parents even though they are the nicest people i know anyways he graduated and went to college and his parents were so happy for him and since he's a rich kid they are paying for it too after a few months he decided he couldn't do it and dropped out it's been almost a year now and he still hasn't told his parents he's been coming over our house whenever his parents think he's going to school just a few days ago he said he couldn't come over because he had to stay home and fake study for upcoming exams i have no idea why he's so afraid to tell his parents his parents are understanding people and he's making it worse by not telling them i keep asking him what he's going to do if the school calls or he well i don't know doesn't freaking graduate his response is always i'll figure it out when the time comes it may not have occurred to you but his parents might be the kind of people who put on a happy face for outsiders but are not actually that nice i told a girl i was dating that i was getting deployed because i was too big of a wuss to tell her that she was freaking weird and possessive two months later i actually did get deployed karma's a bee i told all my friends in first grade that i was a mexican princess and that my dad owned a helicopter i wanted to explain why we didn't have a car i didn't want to say it was because we didn't have any money to buy a car or a garage to put it in in the fifth grade my teacher was asking everyone if they were from another country i wasn't but on an insane whim i claimed that i was i'm from denmark i said looking around the room proudly my teacher raised an eyebrow but noted it on whatever she was doing and moved on after that a bunch of kids gathered around me and asked about denmark i said i barely remembered it because we moved to america when i was five a teacher's aide kind of guy walked up and asked if my parents spoke danish i gave him a condescending look and said no they speak denmarkian the guy was puzzled but he was either too shamed by the children's laughter or too kind to call me on it i suppose i'll never know the best part happened weeks later when i told my friend which girl i'd arbitrarily decided i had a crush on her friend overheard and rushed to tell her sarah she said acting way too excited about the whole thing old chili has a crush on you no no no i said thinking fast i said kara not sarah cara was the girl in denmark who i loved i haven't seen her since we moved here and i missed her the kids were skeptical but i painted such a romantic picture of our love that they didn't stay that way very long to this day i have never told anyone in my fifth grade class that i'm not from denmark not a super big deal but i told my very catholic mom that i was going to the church for adoration and in reality i just went to some girl's house for a make-out session i stand firmly by my decision that night you are one brave man i once lied in school that i was related to elvis yep the elvis presley my proof i sang love me tender as deep as i could yeah they didn't believe me could have been because i was a little seven-year-old swedish girl see i find this funny because i read this in an american baritone voice and as soon as i read little seven-year-old swedish girl the voice started changing for each new piece of information it was like a dude hitting negative puberty and turning into a girl girlfriend of six years lived together most of the time lied to me about her age said she was a year older than she really was started with the lie didn't want to admit it wrote it out weird when i was around five or six years old we would often visit my great great grandmother at the nursing home she lived at she was 106 years old i didn't know her well and she didn't talk much often she would be sleeping she loved to see me though something about the youth made her so happy i was terrified of her i didn't understand why she looked so sick and frail and i thought she smelled bad i was young and didn't understand my family asked me to hug and give her a kiss on the cheek or forehead i feigned trying to do so but pretended i couldn't reach over the crib like guardrails on the side of her bed i never saw her again i regret this lie very much don't feel guilty you were very young and shelved you no matter what i used to go to a scientology school where they teach you study methods of l ron hubbard but not the religion because l ron hubbard was such a cfe fan he believed that the human brain worked like a computer when you come across a word you don't understand you malfunction and show signs such as yawning and not wanting to study i used to open the dictionary and yawn give the supervisor a thumbs up there are not teachers only supervisors at this school everything is self-taught to pretend i looked up a word you should do an ama i've never heard of a school like that i once told my dad that the smell in my room was because of the gardener who mowed the lawn and some hot grass clippings got in through the window yeah i was high he knew the guy in the truck that just drove past threw a cigarette out the window when i was five or so i my dad and siblings were up shooting in the mountains i found a book of matches in his trunk and proceeded to light some grass on fire california in the summer equals very dry my dad unsuccessfully attempted to put it out with a blanket i had never seen fire spread so quick couple thousand acre fire was caused by me and me alone i still feel terrible about it i read that as my dad and siblings were shooting up in the mountains and it completely altered my perception of that story i told my tennis team all my friends and my girlfriend that i was going to california for spring break so i won't have to play in five days worth of tennis matches and waste my holiday picked up golf and met some great new friends had one of the best mini vacations of my life that is the whitest lie ever when i was a senior in high school i jumped my car bottomed out and destroyed the oil pan and some other stuff told my dad some butthole moved a roadblock sign from a pothole i owned up recently i am so ashamed of this story i was on a cleanse where you only drink lemonade blah blah blah and i hadn't eaten in three days so you can imagine how grumpy i was my husband had called me earlier that day to tell me he had to take our car into the shop again and that it was going to cost us another 300 this car had been nothing but trouble since the day we bought it and i was not happy about it so my mom picks me up from work and takes me to the auto shop and i march into the lobby and start shrieking at the man at the counter literally at the top of my lungs f bombs everywhere and calling him all kinds of names in front of everyone because we just had our car fixed and why is this still an issue the man is calm and politely asks me to stop yelling at him at this point i storm off and start crying in my mom's car she tries to console me but i am hysterical i realize how pathetic i am being so i demand she go and tell the man i am pregnant because there is no other excuse for my behavior as if screaming at a stranger isn't pathetic enough she reluctantly tells the man but she is also shamed by my behavior and wants to save face then the unthinkable happens the man comes out to the car where i am crying and he hugs me he tells me his daughter just had a baby and he knows about the mood swings and that everything will get better then he prays for me pats my head and gives me a discount on my car repairs i am going to heck see this is why we eat food instead of just drinking sugar water frick a throw away i'm not proud but i am honest last year my junior year of high school i broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half in teen time that was forever we broke up in october and in november i got a call apparently she was pregnant and i was flawed i was 16 i wasn't ready to have kids i had a life too led especially because she was bonkers i wasn't a man about it i avoided her and the potential of fatherhood and i lied to my parents for literally three months i wanted an abortion judge me as you will and she wanted the kid at some point i had to tell them and face their disappointment then i got a text mid-december she had miscarried and i wasn't going to be a father she told my her friends that i was apparently relieved that it happened and word found its way back to my mom she confronted me on new year's eve i told her everything and her only question was why didn't you tell us why lion say you were fine i told them i didn't want to disappoint them my mom told me the only reason i'm disappointed is because you didn't tell us sooner moral of the story i don't lie to them anymore because they show nothing but support the entire situation redefined me it made me grow up and accept responsibility for my actions you don't value youth until it could be taken away three friends and i told some guys at the flea market that our parents were dead so they'd let us buy really cool ninja weapons it ended poorly i hope nobody got a ninja star in their eye no this closeted b guy and i aren't dating he likes girls and i don't date straight guys technically everything i would say was true without revealing the truth i hate dating closet cases it feels like they're ashamed of me never again man never again my family thinks i'm happy and at such a good place in my life when i'm actually at my lowest and not knowing what to do with myself i'm extremely positive with them just so they don't give me speeches oh hi i think we're the same exact person i said that i beat temple run to a high school buddy at 50 million points you go into an underground cavern at 100 million you go back above ground at 150 million you jump into a u.s military chopper and fly off into the distance everyone i told believed me until someone googled it a month later i still think a few people actually believed it i have yet to get past 1.5 million i can't wait to see the underground cabin i almost hope this gets buried there was this friend of mine in high school who wasn't really a friend of mine one of those kids you know and your friends like but you just can't freaking stand let's call him h well he was dating this chick that i always had the bonus for let's call her r so i start talking to h and getting all buddy buddy and crap and eventually this dude i don't like at all considers me his best friend q phase 2 i start talking to r coercing her and crap and eventually i let out a string of lies about how age has been cheating on her for months but that because i cared about her i couldn't let it go on without her knowing phase three r tells he knows he's been cheating and that i told her h says that he knows me better than that and that i wouldn't make up some lie and h begins accusing her of trying to makes him turn on his best friend inevitably they break up i proceed to bang this girl for like three months while she's in the off on stage with h tl dr 16 year old me as a freaking butthole but i admire his determination sociopathic manipulation for the win i have a birthmark in the center of my palm that vaguely resembles a gunshot wound or any kind of puncture wound i've made up a story about how my dad took me to a range and i got shot in the hand and now have wires in my hand luke skywalker style they inevitably ask about an exit wound so i say i have skin grafts on the back of my hand that just looks so good because they've been on there for so long it's gotten me many phone numbers i also used it to get free food once a cashier at rmc donald's in maryland thought i was the second coming of jesus so i rolled with it and got my big mac meal for free as well as blessed his family and stuff i'm now fairly certain that if there was a god i'd be going to heck after a college friend threw gum out the window of a car i told her that turtles eat it and die because they can't spit she felt awful for the next year mostly because i always reminded her until the last month or so of school when i told her the truth turtles love gum i'm not married that's not a completely accurate statement but it's a decent enough quick summary basically i got involved in an online relationship when i was 16. i was living in england the woman in california come 18 and the relationship's still ongoing i decided that it would be an absolutely brilliant idea to move to the us to be together when i finished up the two-year college course i was taking the problem with that i knew there was no way that my family would be in support of this plan their argument being that i was too young and had too much growth yet to do before making a commitment like that they would turn out to be correct so i did it without telling them i planned out the whole visa application without telling them the truth about how i was getting into the country i honestly don't remember exactly what i told them i'm 99 certain that at least my dad saw through it just before i left the country he outright told me not to do anything so stupid as to go off and get married lied to his face told him i wouldn't in my stupid teenage mind the plan was to just proceed as if we weren't married then have a ceremony a few years down the line and pretend like that was when we got married for basically forever no the concept of how to keep the two families from talking ever entered our heads the marriage eventually fell apart as was inevitable in hindsight as an act of spite once it did my ex-wife contacted my mum and told her everything she immediately flew over with my grandmother the first time i'd seen them in about four years for one of the most awkward painful conversations of my entire life in the end it all worked out for the best i'm still living in the us as a permanent resident having been here for 10 years now i'm currently trying to get the funds together to take the citizenship test and have built a great life here but knowing how badly i hurt my family by doing that is something that's weighed heavily on my ever since and probably always will tl dr lied about being married to my family ex-wife told them when marriage fell apart the biggest best lie i ever told actually kept me from getting an underage my buddy and i were drinking at his house we were both 19. about 2 30 a.m we both decide we are hungry instead of driving we decide to walk the mile to the nearest convenience store but we get there get our snacks and start to head back about 50 feet outside of the convenience store we both decide we have to take a pee instead of walking back to the bathrooms outside the convenience store we decide to pee in some trees beside an old trailer this is when the cops show up turns out somebody in the nearby house thought we were prowling and were trying to rob the convenience store the cops asked for ids bit me and my buddy both say we don't have any total lie and that we don't even have anything that says our name we both tell the officers that we are our older brothers because they are both over 21. this is when one of the officers asks us how we paid for our food this is when i freak up i tell them i paid with a bank card which has my name on it and not the name of my brother as soon as i say this the officer asks for the card and immediately sees that i gave him a different name he then calls us out on not having it once the officer has our ids he starts yelling at us and asking why we lied to him about who we were i tell him that i have an army special forces contract lined up and i am supposed to leave in a week i then embellish a little and say that this is the night of my going away party and that the guy with me was my best friend who arranged the whole party if i got in trouble for anything especially drinking underage i would lose my contract and my family would kill me upon hearing this the officers immediately let us go wish me luck and warn us not to stop and pee anywhere on the way home tl dr about to get an underage tell the cops i am going to the military get off scot-free i wasn't a very popular girl in high school i'd do some really quite pathetic things to get attention makes me feel awful thinking about it tbh but during high school i pretended to have gotten pregnant by the most popular guy in school it was nice for a while people actually started to talk to me i wasn't really pregnant i was still a virgin but then it turned out the guy i said got me pregnant didn't actually exist two students made him up and it just spiraled out of control seriously the entire school was convinced he was real needless to say everyone was hating on the kids that made this guy up pretty hard it got pretty serious at one stage the kids had to get escorted from classes by a teacher they even had their own table in each classroom so the teacher could keep an eye on them and make sure they were all right but then everything went back to normal and gradually everyone went back to not knowing who i was very original wish i could hear the story from the guys who made up the fake dude i once convinced my entire high schooler student that wasn't real existed i got the idea from mash and my friend and i created this kid out of thin air and for the rest of the semester we got everything we could think of blamed on this kid it got to the point that people were saying how awesome he was and a pregnant girl even claimed that her baby was his just to get some attention when we eventually did come clean about making him up no one believed us for more than a month because everyone claimed to have met this awesome dude at a party or in the library and also the one chick who was sure she was having his kid turns out the guy she hooked up with just used the name we made up to get into her pants people eventually got so angry at my friend and i for claiming he wasn't real that we actually had to have a teacher escort us to and from classes because people were trying to beat the crap out of us but the school administration finally convinced everyone by offering the students a reward to come forward and sure enough he didn't although i can't imagine who would have come forward for the low price of 350. if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] so bye for now

Channel: UE Stories

Views: 23,370

Keywords: biggest lie you told mom, biggest lies told in history, biggest lie you told your parents, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: nqO_tspJyJU

Length: 176min 31sec (10591 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 29 2022