Best Of Elaine | Seinfeld

you don't think she'd yada yada sex I've yachty added sex really yeah I met this lawyer we went out to dinner I had the lobster bisque we went back to my place yada yada yada I never heard from him again over the best part no I mentioned the bisque it's a astronaut too many of those pills astronaut say it astronaut astro good okay what about last year when I took him to the hospital every day did he ever say thank you oh God Uncle Leo hello Marty are you nervous what nervous what's with the sunglasses huya Van Johnson I got a black guy hello our line this is my aunt Stella we saw you on The Tonight Show last week I thought Johnny was very rude to you he didn't even let you talk no no you need some new material I've heard you do that dog routine three times already so did you hear this message it was unbelievable really I can't get over it sexy this woman drove us out of our minds like uh how did she sound she had this throaty sexy kind of whisper really like uh like uh Jerry I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake [Applause] you you that was you how did you I stopped in the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on right and there was this tape recorder there and I got this impulse what no that's nothing now listen promise me you won't tell him okay I wanna have a little fun with this I had no idea you were filled with such sexuality it's nothing I wonder what happened to my fiance I know he's here somewhere Ellen my fiance he's upstairs are you going upstairs come looking for him I have lost my fiancee the poor baby [Laughter] the dingo ate your baby foreign [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] hi hi did you get your hair done today no I just uh fixed it a little bit you know who isn't here he was in the early class today but I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday what what who me me I made an impressionable impression let me just put this back no no tell me now what did he say he asked about you he asked about me John Kennedy answers he wanted to know your situation what situation I have a situation I I told him he was single that was good that was very good he said you were just his type okay you're trying to hurt me are you trying to try the instrument right right you're trying to hurt me he also told me to tell you he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o'clock so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello why'd you have a fake really and the guy never knows how could he not know that I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway you didn't know [Applause] you didn't know are you saying I think I'll have a piece of cake with me well you faked with me yeah you faked with me yes no yeah you affected I think that whole thing the whole production it was all an act not bad huh what about the breathing the panting the moaning the screaming fake fake fake I'm stunning I'm shocked how many times did you do this all the time all the time I'm sorry this is uh this is kind of embarrassing but there's no toilet paper over here are you talking to me yeah I just forgot to check so if you could spare some no I'm sorry what no I'm sorry I can't spare it you can't spare it no there's not enough to spare well I don't eat much just three squares will do it I'm sorry I don't have three squares now if you don't mind three squares you can't spare three squares no I don't have a square to spare I can't Spare a Square oh is it two flying because if it's two ply I'll take one Bond one five one puny little ply I'll take one measly twice look I don't have a square and I don't have a Ply no no no no thank you [Music] I must have had at least eight in my mouth I couldn't talk I couldn't talk why'd you have to eat so many because they're Georgy fruit I like them I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the independent publishing in the end of Kramer's coffee table I knew he had a cold how do you expect him to blow his nose do you know what's going on here can't you see what's happened or become George don't say that it's true I'm George I'm George of course Jackie oh was a great lady those are gonna be some tough shoes to fill everyone loved her she had such Grace yes not many people have Grace well you know Grace is a tough one I like to think I have a little Grace not as much as Jackson have a little Grace you either have Grace or you don't okay fine I have no Grace and you can't fire Grace well I I have no intention of getting Grace Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market all right look I don't have Grace one phrase I don't even say grace okay foreign we'll make our choice in a few days and we'll let you know I have no chance do I no it's just a minute to see you Justin Pitt he was a very close friend of Mrs Onassis Mrs o' Neal that's hard to pronounce excuse me nothing this land is there's something wrong with this copying machine it's all coming out slanted now I don't know if this is your department or not Justin Pitt this is Elaine Venice I was a great admirer of Mrs Onassis I'm in love it's a person he's real he's honest he's unpretentious oh I'm really lucky did you tell him I was sorry I didn't know from the drink no I forgot the best part is he doesn't play games you know there are no games no games what is the point of dating without games how do you know if you're winning or losing well all I know is he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games you know he has too much character and integrity uh-huh and what is his stand on abortion what what is his stand on a bush well I'm sure he's pro-choice how do you know because he well he's just so good looking well you should probably ask because if he's going to be coming over with those pequeno's pizzas could be trouble so you think you're sponge worthy yes I think I'm sponge worthy I think I'm very SpongeBob run down your case for me again well we've gone out several times we obviously have a good rapport I own a very profitable Electronics Distributing firm I eat well I exercise blood tests immaculate and if I can speak frankly I'm actually quite good at it you gonna do something about your sideburns yeah I told you I'm gonna trim my sideburns in the bathroom in your apartment cleaned it this morning sink the tub everything got clean everything yeah it's spotless all right let's go Thomas out of your baby it smells good well that's sweet being a mother has made me feel so beautiful a lame you gotta have a baby oh hey you know I had a piece of white fish over at Barney green grass the other day and I moved to Long Island and have a baby already I really like the city the city's a toilet when's the last time you saw my little Adam um it was in the Hamptons oh no no that's okay look at him how about leading us on the toast oh sure hey guys you want to make a toast um here's to those who wish us well and those who don't can go to hell [Music] all right who's dancing come on assistant you want me you want me to get it started [Applause] [Music] wait fancy Elaine where's Susie I want her to head up our new fingerless glove division oh but I thought I was in line for that assignment all right then I was gonna wait to tell you this but last night's Susie Elaine I hope you're watching the clothes because I can't take my eyes off of this no I I can't do this anymore I can't it's too long quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already Elaine you don't like the movie I hate it I'm going to hell why didn't you say so in the first place you're fired great I'll wait for you outside what is wrong with my body check shoulder blades that's it no but that's one problem one while I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day walking around naked that is not a not a good for a man [Laughter] why not it's a good look for a woman look female body is a work of art the male body is utilitarian it's for getting around it's like a Jeep so you don't think it's attractive it's hideous the hair of them lumpiness it's Simeon well some women like it Sickies go on leave get out anything next hello you think you can get soup please you're wasting everyone's time wow no one's Sue I can make my own soup five cups chopped porcini mushrooms half a cup of olive oil three pound celery this is my recipe for wild mushroom yeah that's right I got them all called cucumber corn and crab chowder malagatani you're through The Soup Nazi no more soup for you next [Music] foreign

Channel: Seinfeld

Views: 577,842

Keywords: seinfeld, seinfeld theme, seinfeld bloopers, jerry seinfeld, seinfeld full episodes, jerry seinfeld stand up, seinfeld the contest, seinfeld stand up, best of seinfeld, larry david, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Wayne Knight, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg, seinfeld best moments, seinfeld man hands, Seinfeld soup, Seinfeld the race, seinfeld newman, seinfeld shrinkage, Elaine Benes, Elaine, Best Of, Compilation, Best Moments

Id: v0kSXoQHb4c

Length: 15min 45sec (945 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 08 2023