Be More Toddler How 3yr olds can teach us to be better humans | Matt Coyne | TEDxUniversityofNicosia

so this is a photograph of me and my little boy Charlie he's about four hours old in this picture absolute angel is about four years old now and let me assure you that angelic state did not last but say if you look at my face in this picture you'll notice some of the tell-tale signs of the brand-new parent that's a bewildered dopey expression and that's her fear around the eyes that says oh my god what have we done this has all been some sort of terrible mistake and I was afraid I was absolutely terrified that in there in a few hours time we'd be expected to take this tiny fragile creature home with us with absolutely no idea what we were doing and so I spoke to our doctor a wise old Indian gentleman and asked him okay doc what is the number one piece of advice you can give me about getting this parenting thing right and I'll always remember what he said he said just remember you are the greatest teacher your child will ever have and I'll let that sink in for a moment and I shook his hand and turned away thinking wow wow that is the worst advice you have to understand at this point I wanted to know how to hold a baby so that a head didn't fall off I don't know how to change your baby boy's nappy without and fountain urinating directly into your eyeballs because they do that but over the next few months I began to understand what dr. Padilla was saying we are the greatest teacher our children will ever have from this point until today has been mining and his lovely mom's job to teach Charlie how to do everything from walk to talk to not go to the toilet in his trousers and really important stuff as well like have to be kind and good and happy and I'm not sure that's the entire that should be the whole story though really as important as we are as teachers in our kids lives as Charlie's got older I started to wonder whether these ways in which we'd be better served as pupils with something to learn from them and realization started to come about as Charlie metamorphosed into that from a baby into that most remarkable of human beings the toddler it seems to come instantaneously it catches you off-guard when you baby becomes a toddler it's almost as though overnight that's a placid calm burbling bundle of dependence just disappears and it's almost as though someone leaves a box on your doorstep and you you pick up that box and you carry it excitedly into your living room when you you unpack it with with care and excitement only to discover that inside is a three-foot tall short drunk mad lunatic who were now lives in your house or or a toddler and that comparison between a drunk mad lunatic and a toddler that's it that's a fair one I remember at the time or after after a couple of months of toddler 'dom I wrote Lima Dora in my diary about that comparison the drunk and the toddler both the destructive rude crazy and prone to peaks and troughs of wild emotion they think themselves invincible and vulnerable to danger whether it's from road traffic or falls from a height they both slur their few words they fall over all the time and don't always have exemplary bowel control they pass out in random places they have rubbish coordination no impulse control and little sense of shame they hurt themselves all the time they removed their trousers for no good reason their decision-making skills are and when the mood takes them they really really want to find you but there's another side to our drunk idiot friend and I think that's where we find the toddler too it can make you laugh until until your jaw and your stomach hurt they can be crazy ways that make you marvel at the imagination and they can be where foolishness like a bright happy coat but they can also be incredibly sensitive and desperate to let you know how much you mean to them and I think it's in this mess and in this madness where we maybe have just as much to learn from a toddler as we have to teach the something as simple as that the importance of play is there anything more joyous than play time with the toddler I'm not I'll be honest I'm not always the most enthusiastic person when it comes to play town with the toddler for obvious Reese trivia seasons but for Charlie it's like his number one priority all the time I remember I was five stay-at-home dad and I remember being home one day and and with an insurmountable number of chores to do and Charlie used Ben as usual helpful self was sitting in our laundry basket this laundry basket in fact and it was just sitting in it refusing to get out what it was he said a space rocket and impatiently and kind of tired and exasperated to my shame I explained to him that it wasn't a space rocket it's just a laundry basket and it's what I used to get the washing out the washing machine onto the washing line and I need it and it took a while but but yeah eventually conceded and stepped out of out of the basket a couple of hours later when things were less fractious and we were trying to play a game I suggested to Charlie that maybe he go fetch a space rocket and we could maybe include it in the game to which I replied we couldn't do that and for a really simple reason and that was that it wasn't a space rocket it was a laundry basket just a laundry basket that you put the washing in out on the washing line and I tell that story for for a simple reason really I think these are the ways in which plays conditioned out of us as we get older were made to think of players are important secondary to really super important adult stuff that we shouldn't be doing and it strikes me that maybe we're the ones who were wrongheaded about that that maybe toddlers are they're the ones that got their priorities straight because everybody knows that childhood play is really important for their development and all that sort of stuff but playing adults has been shown to be equally important if not more important it's been shown to improve cognitive function to slow down the onset of dementia it's it releases a thing called BPRD which is a chemical that encourages the growth of new brain cells it makes us better communicators it creates better relationships it makes us happier and the World Health Organization announced fairly recently that the biggest epidemic of the 21st century is stress and play in adults is like a silver bullet for stress releases dopamine and endorphins and and gives us a sense that we have a better work/life balance the theme of the talk so these next two days sorry today is the word unbelievable and you might think that there's nothing we had to learn from a toddler that could ever be considered unbelievable but it is unbelievable to think that a solution to the greatest epidemic of the modern age our plague could be just in realizing what three-year-olds have known all along which is that plays really important anyway I felt really bad for shooting down Charlie's space rocket like it was nothing and I came up with some weird and pathetic story about how he was actually a space rocket all along and the laundry basket was just it's disguised it was his camouflage and we had to friend to be really convinced we had to attach some tinsel and glitter and bits of cardboard and stuff like but it was worth it because because aside from all the really good reasons why I play is important cognitive function all that rubbish the truth of it is is that life is short and yeah the laundry the washing the stress of all those unanswered emails that will always be there the opportunity to go to space in a laundry basket with my favorite person on the planet that won't be Charlie's space rocket brings on to another facet of human nature I think that elevates us as a species that that toddler celebrates and that humans kind of devalue too much and that's the that's the imagination in 1991 a researcher called Harris carried out an experiment that involves 48 toddlers and an empty cardboard box what he did is he took those 48 toddlers and divided them into two and then individually took child into a room and presented him with an empty cardboard box and half of those toddlers he told to imagine the inside where's this cuddly cute puppy and then the other half he told him that inside was a monster and they found something they told all these kids and then reassured them this was all just pretend and all just make-believe and all these kids agreed and they said yeah this is just pretend it's just a game it's just play but they found something interesting when they when they made an excuse to leave the room the end of the game put the cardboard box in the corner of room made an excuse to leave in absorb observe the kids and they discovered that those kids who've been told to imagine I could leap up II would still approach the box and peer excitedly inside and those that are told to imagine a monster would shy away from the box still and not go anywhere near it and that's the power of the imagination at this age when a when an empty box is a magic doorway and it's true in our houses Ralph it's self-evident that so since Charlie was born we bankrupted ourselves on buying him toys so we bought him everything I mean one corner of our room as a play kitchen another corner is a six foot inflatable dinosaur we have toy boxes that grown with jigsaws and train tracks and all that stuff educational flashy lighty toys and but between the ages of two and three Charlie's number one toy was was this it's a spatula not even a very good spatula in fact I've got it with me today and the reason for that is because for him it wasn't a spatula for him it's a sword or a lightsaber or a or a tool for digging up dinosaur bones in our back garden and this is the imagination it's transformative best and it's the closest thing we have to magic and yet we do devalue it as we grow older as we become become and become adults the thing is as we get older we think of imagination is something childish so we think of people who over use their imagination as as kind of people with a head in the clouds or day dreamers as though that's a bad thing but of course imagination nothing is ever created without without imagination it's the only reason we have pyramids and iPods and and moon landings and stuff so it's just I think it would be better if we took a leaf out of toddlers book and and it may be valued it and celebrated it a little bit more the other thing about if you imagine that nothing is being created without first being envisioned and first been imagined nothing has ever been created without this stubbornness and passion to drive that forward and there is nothing more nothing more stubborn or passionate on the planet than a toddler as adults we kind of law without laughing out loud and we faint fury about everything from God to litter in the streets but a toddler can be passionate about the smallest things like a slide or or at the possibility of an ice-cream and if you think that toddlers don't necessarily have that much passion or or stubbornness then I would guess that you've never dealt with the terrible twos and the the Tantrums that are their hallmark I know if I was to to think of the things that enrage me or the things that exercise me it's not all I could probably count them on on one hand but I've done a comprehensive list of the things that exercise a toddler and will cause them to have a habit Antrim it's literally absolutely anything I asked on Twitter for some parents to give me some examples things that they're at toddler had had a meltdown about just that day and these are all genuine reasons why they've had a level-10 meltdown he lost his eyebrows the son kept following us I wouldn't let her get in the oven I finished having a shower before he finished his poo apparently we were racing I wouldn't stop the car and let him get out and live in the trees I wouldn't let him stick his finger in his oblivious brother's butt nice one his middle name is David it's a bit harsh on the David's sorry about her she has teeth I wouldn't let her eat a battery his milk was too loud she wanted to touch a chicken we don't own chickens and don't know anybody that does her pet cat wouldn't sing starships by Nicki Minaj I wouldn't let him honk my boobs fast food shopping one for the ladies I refuse to take the bones out of her legs and whilst visiting a church I wouldn't let him literally dance on people's graves and my personal favorite my daughter went mad because I took her dirty diaper off and put it in the bin the only way that she could become sold was by taking it back out of the bin and burying it in the back garden we had a small ceremony as she said a very tearful bye bye poopoo I love do [Applause] yes that's a weird one but but what are tensions I mean the word that are the origin of the word is disputed but one of the possibilities it's an old English dialect that means a ghost a ghost of passion and thats all makes sense to me I think what is a tantrum unless it's passion before we were told to temper ourselves and and keep down our emotions and conform and I think sometimes as adults we might become form and temper ourselves a little bit too much I certainly think it's I think it's true to say that sir I wouldn't I wouldn't say that we should necessarily learn scream and shout when we don't get our own way I don't think necessarily next time you're asking your boss for a raise and he says no you should collapse to the floor like all your bones have been removed their toddlers do but by the same token I think I think it's possible that you could combine that's a childlike passion you can combine that with our imaginations are playful nature's then it's true to say that there's maybe nothing that we can we can't achieve so as I said at the very start Charlie has just turned 4 and being aware that that means that he's that he's moving away from these toddler years and heading off to school it makes me think a lot about what I want for him in that expanse of that expanse of his future and and I think that's simple to be more toddler and so on his birthday I wrote him a letter dear Charlie I love you very much this is a fact not like the earth goes round the Sun is a fact because one day one not like something written in stone is a fact because wind and rain can make the pass to the fact like that now this is fact like Oh peas up and down is down and this truth is an immovable object a law like gravity or the speed of light as I write this you just turned four years old and at times I'll be honest you've been a real pain in the that's nothing personal literally all toddlers carry this tray a whole one day that you'll find this out for yourself and when you do I'm stood nearby to see it but you're also kind and funny and imaginative and toddlers carry these traits - and these are traits that a lot of people tend to lose as they get older which is a shame toddlers are better than adults in every possible way that matters so here it is the purpose of this note here is what I hope for you I don't wish for you to be rich or famous or super smarts or that you marry into royalty or that yours is the first footprint on Mars I wish only that you keep as much of who you are right now as possible and carry into the person who you will become because who you are right now as a toddler is something remarkable you have no self doubt no shame embarrassment or awkwardness you think love is not something to pursue but something to share you think rain is an opportunity and snow a wonder where there isn't good or bad it's just a backdrop to the greatest show on earth in which you are the star you think the garden is a jungle pebbles are treasure a bathtub a pirate ship you think far in is hilarious always your religion isn't something to fight over your religion is a fat guy in a red suit a bunny or a fairy that pays you for your teeth you laugh without a hand to cover your mouth your jokes make absolutely no sense but they are never at someone else's expense you think broccoli is disgusting and you're not scared to say so loudly and you don't care a serial is rich in fiber only whether it comes with a free toy or a shape like UFOs you think money is just paper and metal you think of home as a castle but the nursery you go to every Wednesday and Friday this is a place where you can fall in love between breakfast and lunch time your only experience of sadness or a broken heart is a ball over a fence or a cuddly toy left on a bus and more than anything me and your mom wish this could always be the case it hurts to know that it won't be we maybe the greatest teacher you will ever have but you are most certainly ours we may have taught you how to walk but you have taught us how to dance like complete fools we may have taught you to talk but you have taught as the language of monsters and we may have taught you how to make rice krispies buns you have taught us how to dig in our heels and be dragged through the passage of time rather than go hurtling through it obsessed with work and money and things sunshine as much time as you have spent in the last two years sitting on my shoulders the truth is that in so many ways it's me who was saying yours I may make you a giant but you make me want to be good dad [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 13,752

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Family, Life Development, Parenting

Id: ysS3PFAw63I

Length: 19min 30sec (1170 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 13 2019