Translator: Ivana Krivokuća
Reviewer: Peter van de Ven From one generation to another frustrated moms think and often say, "Just wait 'till you have
your teenage daughter," meaning that their daughters
would experience that same kind of drama
that they went through; this type of karmic justice. But what if moms and daughters
could avoid that drama trap and experience a close
and enjoyable connection? As a child, I thought my mom was perfect. She was cultured, intelligent and strong. There was a right way to do everything, from making the beds to cutting a tomato. Back then she could do no wrong,
but I felt like a slacker. When I was about 11,
she had a mother of a moment. After I quickly beat her
in a checkers game, she yelled, "If you're so damn smart, why don't you
make straight A's in school?" The result was not straight A's
but a lot of drama, and I pushed her out of my teenage life. Fast forward, it's 1996,
in a dark hospital room. I promised my baby girl,
I'll be different, and by the way, you can cut
that tomato any way you want. Skip ahead. My daughter is 11 and very preteen. I've been a family therapist for 16 years. I am an expert on teen,
when I had my mother of a moment. I had an agenda and she
did not get it right, and I laid into her. When I looked in her eyes, my heart sank. I'd become the enemy. Five years later, my daughter is a junior in a prestigious high school
for performing arts. She's pursuing a career in dance, and I'm thrilled -
this is what I want for her. Then she decided to quit dance
because of pressure and knee injuries. This wasn't my agenda, but this time
it drew us closer as mother and daughter. There were no angry words
and that door stayed open. How did my relationship go
from being the enemy to being her ally? It started with me. I realized I had become this 24/7 monitor, sounding like, "Would you clean your room?
Start your homework! Aaah!" The problem is that monitor
is a monologue. It's not a relationship. I'd factored my daughter
out of the equation. As I shifted from being
obsessed with my agenda, I started paying attention to her. I realized I only saw
the tip of the iceberg, that I needed to slow down and make space
to see what was below the surface, to see who my daughter really is,
to see her brilliance and her pain. Then I noticed that at the core
of most of the drama was stress and pressure, and yes, there are
biological reasons for this. Teens are hard-wired for drama with that undeveloped prefrontal cortex
and the dominant limbic system. But there's something else going on,
that's not biological but environmental, that not only has impacted
my teenage daughter, but it's impacting girls
from around the world. One study revealed
that two out of five girls will experience significant anxiety. Another study revealed that one-third
of girls will experience depression. What's going on? More that ever before, teens are under this tremendous
pressure to get it right. Societal pressure amped-up by social media is attacking girls' self-esteem as they try to stay afloat in a harsh,
competitive teenage culture, and I see this in my private practice. Top ranking girls are having panic attacks
and they can't focus. Brittany is a senior; she makes straight A's
and she's super stressed. Literally no downtime. She puts post-it notes in the shower stall so she can wash her hair
while she studies. Amber is in the top
eight percentile of her class, and yet she tells me,
"I can't get anything right. My mom has a right way to do everything.
As hard as I try, I feel unworthy." So, do moms add to this pressure? Yes, they do, and this is a common trap
that we can often fall into. See, moms feel this pressure
to have successful daughters so that we can feel like good mothers
and avoid feeling judged. Societal pressure shapes
mom's definition of success, which forms her agenda
and fuels that 24/7 monitor. This is not a recipe for success
for either mother or daughter; it's a recipe for drama,
shame, unworthiness. Because no one can achieve
these perfectionistic standards, and that's not success,
so something's wrong here. With a cultural bias
towards productivity and achievement, there's no time to relax. Key ingredients that bring happiness
and meaning to our lives - they're being devalued
and therefore neglected. But we can do something about this. Here are three key strategies
that you can use to dial down the drama. Here's the first. It's the lost art of hanging out. This is where mom
takes off her monitor hat, and her daughter knows it
because she no longer gets that look, she gets a smile, which is her signal
it's safe to come near. Hanging out is a no pressure zone where mom lays aside her agenda
for even an hour. Because there are no expectations,
both mom and daughter can relax, and this is where the magic happens. Hanging out creates
this inviting atmosphere for your daughter to approach you. That second key strategy
is positive distractions. I know that sounds like a waste of time,
but there are important benefits. For one, it's a natural way to de-stress, and it attunes moms
and daughters together. Dr. Stuart Brown says
that the opposite of play is not work - it's depression, and there are a lot
of depressed teenage girls. But can moms and daughters
really play together? Well, yes, they can.
It just looks different. Recently, I was on a vacation
with my daughter, and I'm reading the book "Play"
by dr. Stuart Brown, and my daughter
looks over to me and she says, "Oh my gosh, mom,
why are you reading a book on play? I can show you how!" And our teens can. They'll say, "Listen to this song.
Watch this cat video. Look at these cute shoes." And though it feels completely frivolous,
if you accept this casual invitation, it opens the door
to your daughter's heart. The beauty of these positive distractions is that it often leads
to that third key strategy, which is spontaneous check-ins. This is when your daughter says,
"Hey mom, guess what!" Your job is to listen and be curious and not frown
at those clothes on the floor. If you keep that monitor away,
she will open up to you. Spontaneous check-ins
maybe last 15 minutes before she's off to the next thing. But these daily positive experiences
are building a bridge of connection that can be her lifeline. Let me offer you another strategy,
which is soothing conversations. This is an invitation
for a deeper intimacy with your daughter. But beware, these are treacherous waters. When your daughter comes to you,
all upset and negative, that monitor in you
wants to go, "Get a grip!" But she does not need a mother lecture. She needs what we all need, which is to be seen
and heard and understood, and experience unconditional love. See, teens are lost
in a sea of difficult emotions like humiliation and regret and betrayal. Helping name these emotions is soothing. Kindness and empathy
can also calm those stormy waters. Advice can come later. Making time every day to hang out, for positive distractions,
spontaneous check-ins and soothing conversations - it not only dials down the drama, but it opens up
these amazing opportunities for you and your daughter. After I started putting into practice
the things that I've shared with you, something remarkable happened one evening, back when my daughter
was a senior in high school. She was in her busy spring semester
and she was out with her friends, or so I thought. I was home alone, feeling sad
that my daughter would be leaving soon. Then, I hear this knock at the door. It was my daughter, and she said,
"Mom, get in the car!" And I thought, "Now what?" But we drive off, that music blaring,
through downtown Houston, and she turns to me and she says, "I know you're my mom,
but you're the best person to ask. We're kind of alike; I mean,
you're writing your book and you speak, but we both want to change the world. Mom, where do I start?" I was stunned. She'd been watching my life. That's what impacted her. Not my agenda. So the hope I have to offer you is this. Those mother moments,
they can happen, and they probably will. There are no perfect mothers
or perfect daughters. The good news: it's never too late
to heal that connection. In my quest to free my daughter
of expectations and agendas, I became free. What is that freedom? It's the freedom to love
and like your daughter. It's the freedom
from that pressure to be perfect. It's the freedom to play
no matter how old you are. It's the freedom
for both mother and daughter to each find their own
unique definitions of success. It's the freedom to keep
choosing love, and not judgement. You can transform the drama
into limitless opportunities for you and your daughter
now and for future generations. (Applause)
