How to be socially magnetic | Ben Chai | TEDxSurreyUniversity

how many people here would like to live 5 10 15 20 years longer than their life expectancy many people are here so oh that's about 70 percent the rest of you how many people the hair would love to have a backup to your best friends you know the people who who've got your back but you know things happen to them they get married and no one to talk to you anymore they emigrate to another country where there's no snow you know crazy things happen how many would you like 5 besties or 10 or 20 people who've got your back yeah this is about about 60 70 percent of the rest of the 30 percent your goods well I have to make confession I was probably with the 30 percent who didn't want to live longer who didn't care about people in fact I would have been afraid of people to make it worse I was trying to shorten my life by doing things that would make me not be hair anymore because that was my growing up days and Here I am you're thinking you're trying to teach me how to be magnetic and I'm telling you the exact opposite because that's how I felt now at the age of 4 and a half I went to school I was a little little kid yes and I got beaten up by some giant monster I think somebody from junior school and I came home crying I said mom what's Chinese I had no clue because in those days the UK used to be quite gracious compared to the really embracing country it is today now my parents didn't really know what to do because they won't taught how to be parents and I remember telling my aunt about what it happened and my aunt told my parents and and my parents told me off for telling my aunt and in the couch that I come from you you have to save face all the time you you can't admit any weakness in your family so I had no there was just no way to go now when I got to ten my dad trans job changed and we moved to Singapore where they thought I'd be fine so I went to a local school there and I was fine but remember I'm actually a leg bro I didn't shoot up to be the handsome guy I am till 19 so I was still this small person and immediately I opened my mouth there was a great difference because out came this lovely English accent and so I was in fights for quite a quite a long time and really I it turns you into this kind of person who wants to shy away from everybody and when you're away from everybody and you don't have much value in yourself you create this vicious cycle you become that person that other bullies can go after so that was my life fast forward several decades and there are things that I'd never dreamed I would have done I was sharing with some of my fellow speakers being on stage last year rapping with my son who somewhere in the audience and I don't even know how to rap I just like improv II be an improv er so so just amazing things famous people I've spent time with and this is what I'm sharing about how to be magnetic my journey through from being that that person who hated himself and like 30 percent of you didn't want to live much much nothing I'm teasing you it's okay I'm not gonna send the assassins after you'd find so so there I was thinking what shall I do to get myself out of out of this rut and by the way it gets better with time I went to university and the people there were embracing of this crazy little boy because I grew up a year later after being at university just shut up and my my son helped me write a book last year be called social magnetism and it's based along some of the life lessons that I've learnt on how to really get out there in tracked some phenomenal people in your life and live longer and have fun at it so the first out of three things that I'm going to be sharing is you have to develop self-worth self-worth it's number one thing now I know some of you have seen many TED talks and I know you're doing positive affirmations maybe some of you have even done self-hypnosis or some of you don't care you just hate yourself so much who cares come and speak to me afterwards and the one thing that I learnt that was most effective to get your your self-worth up because remember I didn't like myself with something called a mirror technique and I have a lovely mirror here see you can see all your lovely cells look in that mirror and say how beautiful you are with the light doesn't reflect and blind you and so so this is part one of the three things that you can do so you the mirror technique is you look in that mirror oh by the way you need to be naked which seems inappropriate for tedx so you need to take off all your clothes and look in that mirror and you have to look at that person as someone who is your best person and you've need to tell that person in the mirror that you love them yeah look at them hey Ben I love you you're fantastic it's a wonderful I love the way your eyes slug that's so amazing nobody else is Isilon like that that mole in the middle of your nose that's a beauty mole I love it there big stomach there yeah maybe you could lose a few bits of weight but you know I'm gonna love you and you know if you want to get rid of the weight I'm gonna help you but if you don't I'm still going to love you and I tell you what I'm going to do more than love you I'm going to wake up with you every day and just tell you how much I love you you're fantastic yes yes I know I know I know you cut up somebody in your car the other day I know that and I know you you didn't call your friends give wels what's a little bit of flakiness between friends so you've got to not just look at your physical self but your emotional stuff and you have to accept yourself the way you are and this is why looking in the mirror is perhaps a little bittle bit better than self affirmations because I hear people with these self affirmations I'm confident but inside yourself is thinking no you're not and your heart is arcing with your head I'm really confident no you know I just saw you the other day you were just chickened out so when you are concert by the way this took me three or four years probably I'm still getting more value in myself by doing this work as you believe in yourself and get more value in yourself you actually start looking more and more handsome I was told how ugly I was as a as a little boy by close relatives air practically every day today I just think I'm one of the most handsome guys ever I really do I look in the thank you but it took time it took time so that's the number one thing and this is the foundational to being magnetic to be attracting all the great people like as many of you have already attracted to me this is a I'm overwhelmed so the second thing is to be able to add value to people everywhere you go now somewhere in my life I thought what's your mission and and the my first mission was to give everyone their 15 minutes of fame so who would like 15 minutes of fame here one person - yeah I can't name this young man I don't know you do I come up here please please come up here whoa Wow look at the way you walk ah I love that right now um oh you took off your glasses as well yes so um can you share what's your name - everyone my name is three on three on can you all hear him Fran Wow we're a big clap for TRAI crayon I'm only gonna ask you one question and the question is this what are you most passionate about what makes you wake up in the morning and you think whoa please don't think sex anything apart from that that's it art art and which side of art form on the musical wand the musical art and what about musical art makes you get up anything maybe even not sleep like iin I went to bed at 9:00 I know I woke up at 9:30 last night what keeps you moving away it's a different dimension and different says it's a higher frequency to uplift you it changed your perspective it just changed your whole personality the moment you just start absorbing at the moment here if you're doing it because I'm so so what kind of music is it is it instrumental is a good change the hard rock I just recently did like a little experiment when I was asked to do different tasks with music and without music interchange of performance struck me as it actually changed my whole personality during the music and Wow observed that with five other people that were doing the experiment in there on your music experiment yeah yeah exercise right and how do I spell your name it's a big question tra tra YN TR y tra tra why a and train okay that's try and trace train thank you so much can I get a selfie with you let's have it like so we can seal this lovely audience behind us here we go so this is gonna count down here we go oh you want to see who let's do one more cuz I can do many it's digital three two one good thank you thank you three oh now when you add value there are so many great ways to add value to people but if I could just share something I didn't ask Trejo I didn't say what do you do how old are you how big is your family none of those questions when you live I asked him a question what makes you feel really excited about life that's one of the best questions you I can ask anyone there is a whole set of TED Talks is about 10 of them on how to get great at conversation adding value is a little bit more than conversation and asking them Auto response questions because after while you get fed up what do you do yeah and you know what the answer is and I used to when people ask me I used to make it up after a while I just said I'm a milkman I deliver soya cheese goat's milk whatever you want yeah and and I adduced you used to make it up so ask them at some question that makes them feel excited when you meet a stranger I've never met Traian before in my life by the way I talk to people on the underground in restaurants wherever I go and constantly and I'm doing these kind of talks with people this is part of being magnetic how do I add value to tray on well the first thing is some of you don't have this but a lot of people would love to be in a TEDx talk so that's the first thing I did but you don't have that in your disposal so the second thing I did when I engaged with him is I didn't have my phone out while I was talking with him the third thing in this lost art of conversation because of social media is is I'm going deeper with him I didn't just say oh so music that's great what kind of music going deeper and deeper and the fourth thing even if I may not have like loved music I love music the speaker's saw me singing in the room but the fourth thing I did was I took a selfie with him and that's something you can easily do take a selfie with someone and put it on your social media gives some points about I just met Trey on and he told me this about music and how it changes your mood and is he going to like my social media my Instagram or my Facebook or whatever it is so these are different ways over time you will develop a whole set of people that you know the next way is you start connecting them with each other that's another way of adding value to people even if you personally don't have any value to give now in the book we actually teach you the values that you have so I said I was bullied but I also like to dance I saw from X Mar I love comics somebody I loved my bowtie that's because I love Doctor Who these are all areas that I can talk and add value to you about with especially about Doctor Who and all the anecdotes you have those things that you've been through and you can add value to other people's lives now the third and final final component of being magnetic is you need to learn to walk away run away from some of the crocodiles have a phrase which I post on my facebook never teach a crocodile to floss because you might lose your arm and you'll annoy the crocodile anyway and the reason for that is because there are some people who for whatever reason either they don't like you and they're just tolerating you who wants to be tolerated I mean look you've just looked in the mirror and you've seen that wonderful person why would that person want to be tolerated who wants to be made to feel guilty there are people in your life I'm really sorry there might be a close relative he's always my wagon sadly was my cousin was often made to feel like that he was a star student something terrible happened to him because of that so you you want to to be able to walk away from the crocodile sometimes we call them sigh psycho vampires who just suck you and your trust trying to give and help them and they don't want it there's a story where I because because I'm really good at technology and person I was working with asked me to go and fix the servers that had got been infected on a Sunday and that son it was a special day with someone who I was I I wanted to marry her this lady and it took me three hours to go to the server room four hours to 2d infect the servers three hours to come back I missed that lady because I'm not lucky with her and I missed that day and the person who sent me there I said well you know that's just whatever didn't pay my bills yes you'd think at that point because I didn't have the self-worth that I do today I should have walked away buying carried on engaging with that person a close relative of mine she fell in love with somebody who has extreme paranoia and there's not the first year or the second year but in the third fourth year she became extremely paranoid and started impacting on me so you want to be able to recognize those crocodiles and surround yourself with people who just get you they love your beauty mole they don't care if you got a few extra pounds on you they just love you for your personality and who you are so the three things mirror technique for self-worth the second thing had fairly be an oasis in the storm waiters waitresses security guys whoever and the third thing walk away from the crocodiles my name is Ben choy thank you so much [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 1,449,926

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Friendship, Motivation, Relationships, Self improvement, Social Interaction

Id: y0tVnE-8mwU

Length: 18min 11sec (1091 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 30 2018