How to Get Your Kids to Listen and Engage | Kris Prochaska | TEDxBend

sometimes I have conversations with my kids that go like this um can I play on the computer no why not because and the four because why and the four words that kill that conversation faster than you can blink because I said so you know that conversation don't you it's really just a variation on the theme of not now go ask your mother and just do what I said why is it okay for me to talk to my kids that way when with every other adult in my life I would never say because I said so I would say because my gut says no or because I have other plans or because I tried this and I work for me and I thought of you I talked this way to other adults because I respect them I see them as equal as having a stake in the conversation and deserving of something more than a one-sided conversation like because I said so I assume you're having respectful conversations with the adults in your life too and if you're not I'm guessing those interactions don't feel so good so why is it that we think it's okay to talk to our kids like this or when is it when do kids become deserving of more than just a pat answer is it when they start puberty when they learn to drive when they vote for president is it their level of education their life experience why don't we see kids this way don't they have a stake in the conversation too what if you and your child have equal value neither of you better or less than the other what if you saw your child as equal and they're compatible to you in their capacity for creativity intuition intelligence even if it's not yet fully formed kids they need guidance they don't have these same abilities and the same privileges that we do as adults but that doesn't mean they don't have equal value I wouldn't give my ten-year-old the car keys but that doesn't mean he's not equal to me why don't we see our kids as equal here are a few reasons that I came up with and I'm embarrassed to say that during my 10 year parenting career I think I've said or thought just about all of them I'm the adult you're the child I know better don't ask me right now I'm too busy just do what I said I don't have time to explain it why bother kids never listen anyway that's how I was taught to that's just how you talk to kids or I don't think kids understand if you were to explain it they're too young I'm the adult you're the child you got to listen to me what are the potential long-term consequences of talking to our kids with this orientation in my work with my clients who are finding their natural genius their authentic voice several themes arise over and over again they sound like this I don't know what I want I don't know what's best for me what I want need doesn't matter what I have to say doesn't count I want to get it right I don't want to be wrong so I'm scared to just start it an overarching pattern that I see in their lives is that they accommodate everyone else at their own expense yesterday I had the opportunity to spend some time with some students here at Bend high and I asked them why do you think your parents don't see you as equal and they gave me a lot of different answers but there were three that stuck out one of them was I don't think they're paying attention I think they're on autopilot they don't care another one said they're lying I said they're lying tell me more about that well they say you can't do this or do that or say this or say that but then they go ahead and do it themselves I said oh so they're a hypocrite they said no they're a liar give you that and finally the last one was this attitude of oh I already know where you're going with this I've been down this road before you just need to listen to me because I've already been there but what if we saw our kids as just foraging on this road for the first time but they're asking questions of us and they're seeking validation because they need navigation I told those kids I was scared as hell to stand on this pot today because I was afraid I'm afraid I would forget and screw up which I already got that out of the way so that's good but but I was scared because I was afraid this this idea didn't matter that it didn't have value and I felt a lot like my clients feel I was scared because this idea of equality is still changing me it touches something deep and raw and vulnerable in me something where I'd like to believe that I always saw my kids as equal to me in value but I realize that I don't always speak to them that way I saw parenting as a role not a relationship and certainly not a relationship of equality but more like I'm the mom just listen what if you saw your kids not as empty vessels to fill with all your wisdom and knowledge and that if they didn't follow it you somehow failed or that their behavior is a poor reflection upon you and instead perceive them as individual sovereign beings who have inherent value and preferences what if instead of feeling like you had to have all the answers you said I don't know what's going on here but I'm pretty sure we can figure it out together what if instead of blaming your parents for what you didn't get when you were growing up you looked at your kid and you just gave it to them anyway how would your interactions go if you saw your kid as integral to the conversation not as a little adult but as someone who also has something to say what if you were willing to have radically different conversations with your kids how would that go here's an example that I think we can all relate to from daily life and if you don't have kids think about this in the context of your employees or your colleagues your clients your patients maybe even your partner or spouse so how many of us feel like we're just nagging people all the time yeah you're just nagging them in my house it's around home work specifically with my six-year-old because she does a lot of homework way more than her brother who's older and recently we had an interaction where I started to feel that tight constricted irritated feeling like and I just knew what was coming it was like I'm in charge just do the hallmark and I used this cue as you know a signal to myself to stop and take a deep breath i sat on the step I look during the I said honey what happens when you do your homework my teacher checks it at recess what do you think will happen if you don't do your homework love to stay in at recess and do it do you want to do it now or at recess now it's done like that and all I had to do was point out her options she made the decision she took responsibility for it so the next time you feel like because I said so or some variation on the theme is coming out of your mouth stop take a deep breath notice the space between you and the other look them in the eye notice that the decision doesn't rest solely on your shoulders there's another person there and they a stake in the conversation - I've been asking myself a couple questions recently and I invite you to ask yourself the same questions what would stop me from having a radically different conversation with my kid right here right now what would stop me from seeing my kid as equal make the next interaction you have with your child one that lets them know that you value their voice - thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 439,144

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Childhood, Children, Education, Life Development

Id: HtAtBBpXhjk

Length: 10min 24sec (624 seconds)

Published: Tue May 26 2015