Arranged marriage in Judaism - Jewish arranged marriage

[Music] it says on friday finger and toenails should be cut on the same day so will you cut your nails then today i don't know yeah yeah i bite my hair it's disgustingly bites isn't it if you've already bitten your nails you don't need to cut them nobody can become a 10-minute jew it takes weeks and weeks and months and months of studying and learning and understanding these laws it's so vastly away from your way of life that you wouldn't have no understanding of it whatsoever i could try [Music] stamford hill london just a few miles north east from the heart of the capital it's home to a devoutly religious community of around 20 000 hasidic jews and it's the largest of its kind in europe the hasidam lived by an extraordinarily detailed set of ancient commandments that have their roots in the torah stamford hill is a bewildering blend of biblical law and modern day life and for the next few months it was to be my home [Music] one of stamford hills most outspoken residents is gabby lot a retired teacher who now dedicates several hours a day to learning the torah and jewish law slander vengeance and bearing a grudge rules concerning physical well-being things forbidden because they are dangerous laws concerning charity this is a code of jewish law this was made by absalom against street it's called the kitchen and it's really just basic laws it doesn't discuss how a law came about from where but these are the laws that you live your life by that we live your life by and they're based on the 630 613 mitzvot commandments 613 commandments and they loosely based on sorry the ten commandments they are loosely based on the ten commandments the salting of meat eating and drinking before the regular meals laws concerning meals everything is controlled the way how you go to toilet what are your or whether whether your toilet's permitted a communal toilet would it be permitted is it embarrassing or do you not have it embarrassing everything is is controlled for instance you're not allowed to if you well excused by english but you're not allowed to fart with felon with the phylacteries on your head the laws of circumcision the redemption of the firstborn the trading of children a man will not put in a woman's garment and vice versa laws concerning new crops the separation of hal the first portion of the dough and how much of your life have you dedicated to studying these these laws most of it my wife's coming in oh yeah one of the people asking you stop it we can talk away to me hello it's the intent you see some people think that shaking hands itself that's a terrible thing but it's not that really this extra shaker it's the intent but i shouldn't in in acidic life the man i'd i shouldn't shake hands with a woman is that right they shouldn't have any physical cough there's no contact i'm very sorry i'll forgive you how should you know do you think this is the first time we've done some filming we're going to be filming for a few months in the area do you think you'll be able to kind of guide us around the area why why not because everybody's very very secretive because they always think about the children they have to marry of what will harm their name that's not important and we haven't got that problem anymore we've got two children they're married and blowing all we just say what we like especially my husband one of the most important commandments of all is to get married and most acidic people marry young at around 19 or 20. can i ask a question if it's too personal to say but you've been married um 40 years wow what did you feel that you were you you felt attraction and you felt compatibility i don't know i don't know what it was i'm not i was 24 24 and a half an hour and i didn't really want to get married i'm scared of him really yeah i was pretty scared i tried to put off the going to bed but put it off as long as possible i was scared of it stiff yeah they made a whole mess of it [Music] living in stamford hill it's not unusual to be invited to as many as a hundred weddings a year later that week gabby and tikwa were invited to a wedding by an old friend from the neighborhood and to my surprise he was happy for me to come along too what's your name my name is avi breslau right i live in stamforthill i came here 21 years ago i got married to israeli girl who came here a few years before me okay and we have five children today is the day that my oldest is getting married okay and how old is he he's 20. how do you feel about him getting married very excited really yes she's the grandmother she's my wife's mother hello that's hello my first hasidic wedding [Music] and works at his father's grocery shop [Music] he met his bride six months ago working behind the till [Music] but in accordance with jewish law they've avoided all physical contact [Music] once married the couple still won't be able to touch until the end of the night during the last dance [Music] [Music] some of them are playing now the second player of the day will you do that as well yes i'm going to join them now enjoy your cigarette yes that's right yes of course pressure pressure yes after the ceremony avi had put on a big meal for all his guests [Music] the hall was divided into two because under jewish law men and women are forbidden from mixing at public events even for the dancing [Music] there's nothing in this entire world bigger and greater and more enjoying than a real jewish heartful simcha means a wedding you can feel it in the spirit in the in the air how much people are loving and i feel like stop it i'd anticipated something more serious more somber from such devoutly religious peoples [Music] this wasn't what i'd expected at all too much [Music] as the night went on gabby seemed to withdraw a little [Music] what did he make of the party and its host avi pressler [Music] hello coming after you've been filming mr russell's wedding that's right i didn't enjoy it why not it's so queer it's it's people from yemen they come from a total different backgrounds and people from eastern europe it's just it was queer that's always the bracelet did you yeah i said is the young couple happy yes thank god yes i said that's the main thing yeah he's a really nice guy he's sweet made a bit of a mess of his life okay you do did you find it moving the the the wedding did you i i don't get emotionally involved i liked it very much when i i saw them the other people happy but i'm not really i i look at happiness completely as a different thing it's just inside thing of happiness happiness is not something just when you dance around like i'm not caves that's not happiness and there was a bit uh in my eyes a bit wild dancing and some people expressed the happiness and i was very pleased father he's married of his child because he sees the future and i hope the marriage is a successful one but in their marriage they have to understand let's go back in marriage is like god that's what god's aim is on this world two different people get together and try to build a life the idea is to make one person of them the more one you make out of your unity of marriage the more one you are and the more love there is that's what real love is about love is not about when i when you get married first you love yourself but then you learn that love is not loving yourself loving your partner is loving your partner and being in love has nothing to do with a physical it's a spiritual connection which you feel near to each other it's also practiced through physical but it is mostly a spiritual connection do you know i have lunch together [Music] i eat when i i feel hungry i don't eat every day exactly the same time that's why you're fat what that's why he was fit because he goes for sweet things he eats too many three things yeah and he doesn't eat at the right time i'm making salads what shall i do i eat whatever's there i don't er food is not my life of don't eat if my body tells me it's hungry then i eat i don't have to have three meals today because somebody has decided but it didn't happen [Music] although not unheard of divorce is rare among hasidic people [Music] even more unusually avi bresla is separated from his wife and lives alone in a gated residence on the outskirts of the community is that what you do every morning you wash your hands tight is that law yeah how many times you meant to wash your hands three times each hand i'm doing norther right left right left right left right left right left right there why'd he do that why'd he do that that's what it says in the book little kid from when you two years old will do it every morning i mean of course you feel clean after that it's in your mind it's like it's it's it's above the understanding place where it is in there you know where it is it's like inside deep deep inside you're not joking you don't think you know how was the wedding for you how did it how did it make you feel because it was lively right because that was very lively yeah quite a lot of people in the town knows me and come to make my son happy my son is working in the shop so they came to to make him happy he's got many customers who come in everybody just came to wishing congratulations they were helping in the dancing and stuff and avi is a father of five his second son tully has just returned from five years of religious studies in israel [Music] he's come back to work in his dad's property business [Music] philly how old are you i'm 19. you're 19. yeah i know so you're avi's second oldest that's right i think he's the best dad seriously do you like a friend as well yeah he is it's not he's like a friend he is a friend at 19 and with his older brother married off avi has decided it's time to find a match for tully hello yes hello yes i am the owner i've just met your son oh what do you think of him yeah good lad good lad he's a good lady when he sleeps he's very good hello i understand and where's the water going and where's the water leading to hello hello we need to talk to a few matchmakers to get them out of the way what sort of woman would say him do you think i hope you'll get a good wife i don't know good young girl yes good behavior girl who's got a bit of brain hello yes i'm with you you know i'll i'll i'll come i'll be i'll be there in like for five ten minutes all right see you later give me works for you right yeah i'm trying to get them into the business into the property business so how's he doing how is he doing at the moment everything he's touching is joking [Music] see you later take care do you really think he's ready to get married yeah i've taken 19 the time to start hoping for much okay so um what else do i need to know about your son so what's he doing you said he's working he's working for me now in property management okay so what does that mean what's he doing it could be anything he's managing my properties collecting grants what sort of personality i mean i would like to meet him at some stage i think or even to talk to him on the phone just to find out what he's like what would you say his personality is like he's a very very nice guy i'm sure he's nice what's he like is he quiet is he is he loud is he he's quite shy shy how would you describe the level that he learns about does he is he a good learner is he average he is he is he's clever he's very clear right right very smart so he's definitely built to work but he's learning he's very interested to learn right okay fine i've got a picture of this okay we'll tell you anything how can you tell me my first song just got married a couple of months ago so i got a picture from the wedding oh let's see [Music] very nice um how can i put this it shouldn't be a problem for him the only thing is most of the girls who come to me are um university educated girls it's not so much the um you know that i don't i don't get so much the type of girl that you'd be looking for one very important fact of you to know uh i was convicted for money laundering a few years ago and i spent four and a half years in jail so some families maybe it will not be suitable and listen you need to not in advance there's no comebacks why didn't you tell me why all right it's maybe uh what do you call it ketten like a bad mark but about make out of a lot of good stuff it's not the good side will cover for it i was in prison four and a half years for money laundering that's right and what was the money used for the dirty money it was used to the money came from classic drugs and it was shipped to colombia to buy probably some more cocaine or whatever and how much money was was laundered according to the prosecution six and a half million just over six and a half million pounds [Music] was that right the right figure how did you manage to find a wife for your oldest son where did she come from my first son is working for me i've got three grocery shops in summertime i'm partnering them and he's working there and he met a girl by serving on the team i see that might be how you're going to find someone for this son because i think it's going to be very difficult for me to phone up someone and say right would you like you know to explain all the facts because um i don't know you at all everybody knows me sure no i'm sure they do it's just i'm not from stanford so you're out of my will you take the head left here in the second corner on the right corners uh no i don't know i don't amazingly i don't know everyone in the street do you know duncan no no just no your son is a bit out of the box so i think it's not going to be an easy one too i mean i'll be honest with you i'm prepared to compensate in that way example with the previous documents i've taken i've paid all the expenses from the hasanah wedding uh dressing god i mean there's a lead for every bottle they say oh sure sure no that's right i don't feel like i've done my best that i tried i wanted to show him when i stole him sure he's a very special boy if you see him if you get to know him i would very much like it because i'm his father yeah okay um yeah okay [Music] [Music] i had a bit of a shock when he announced that he'd been in prison it threw me completely i really did have a shock did you launder the money no it was a conspiracy i had a personal conspiracy which i allowed to use my office to receive and collect money i hope it was all right with him i hope it didn't offend him in any way um i don't i've never come across this before at all um so it was very difficult for me so you just housed it that's right you and did you know a lot about what the money was being used for not really but the money had some dirty smell i suppose on reflection you know it's not it shouldn't be something that will be held against his son but unfortunately in the jewish community it's a very small community people will know about this and people will judge accordingly the whole package disturbs a bit there's no question about it but there's some goods there's a lot of good sides to us people know i request there is people love wrestlers got no enemies people respect them for what is [Music] and i think that covers a lot [Music] obviously ever had a heart bringing up his father died when he was only seven he didn't have the father background and drifted him to bad company and bad baby and really sometimes kept people from manslaughter don't get annoyed here sentence and it caused him to drift away from the original marriage and his wife wants to stay tuned but he sort of learned different ways of enjoyment in life which are very sad and he likes loves his children but he wants to stick to the old the new rules he's learned and something once you learn a new rule you get used to it it's very hard and i don't want to go into details but anybody who understands understands what i mean and this has caused the marriage to to drift apart not the hasidic way not the religious way not hasidic we're not religious in any way it is but you can't take what you expect our persons are full of these kind of people them loaded with these kind of people who come from all these kinds of backgrounds so of course you learn bad way the government alone admits that in prison is the best school the best college for educating thieves and everything else and it's all kind of behavior [Music] a week later i was off with abby and some of his friends to the ukraine for one of the biggest dates in the jewish calendar rosh hashanah new year [Music] [Music] can you have a drink here yes vodka i can drink vodka whiskey don't it don't need to be kosher girl yes you okay yeah hold on something for charity a donation for charity oh i've got to go this way for now for one week of every year the town of uman is taken over by tens of thousands of hasidim it's one of the biggest festivals of its kind anywhere in the world [Music] [Music] as you can see we've got some bunk beds it's probably gonna be it's the second time in my life i'm sitting asleep on a bunk bed previous time was in prison as you see everyone's you see everyone's wearing white down there why are they wearing that um white is a colorful clean of sins god forgives us once rosh hashanah begins there are very strict rules about what festival goers can and cannot do since the festival started do not put off cigarettes put off no no you can just leave it in the side put it in an ash tray i'll not put it off like you can also light also you can light from one to another you can write from a candle but you cannot light the file i want to count the money next to you i mean i'll count if you count it and then you keep it are you not allowed to keep money that's fine no why not because it's against the law to all the money okay that's one how much is 500 and 1000 grievance i want to give you my passport oh my god patrick if you want we got tons of enough sour sticks haribos chocolates and peanut juice crackers a suitcase here which i've brought full of nast from his shop we got the ready-made meals for hot water so i can have any other you could have whatever you want you're part of the member now you cannot like oneself this thing like for me the hasidam make the yearly pilgrimage to visit the grave of rabbi nachman a key figure of the hasidic branch of orthodox judaism who died a little over 200 years ago promised he would save those followers from hell who came to his grave at new year where are we going good get as close as you can yes seeing avi at the grave reminded me how important his faith was to him later that night we attended a meal prepared for the stamford hill party [Music] how are you abby i'm cool man you're having a good night yeah of course where are we going had been a long day for abby and prayers were due to begin again at first light are you tired abby [Music] [Music] you see everyone's going to the synagogues to play now people wake up early and we try to pray all day and not to sleep because they say if you sleep during this day you can have a sleepy [Music] on this holiday i'm standing like an idiot smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee i'm sure god will understand me having fun yeah love it too avi is 41. most of his roommates were in their mid to late 20s and all of them were single not many guys here that are married right mostly guys here with us now in our apartment yes yeah that's right that's quite unusual isn't it normally people are guys right here younger they're a bit of the troublemakers you're not meant to like have sex outside of a marriage or oh yeah [Laughter] avi's still married but has now been separated from his wife for over four years when did you start to realize that that it wasn't right for you and your wife the very first night but i was too young i didn't have a father and i knew that the wedding cost a lot of money and my family is happy that i got married i didn't want to break to break everybody's hearts i thought i got married stick to what you've got be happy and continue life so the first night you knew it wasn't right how did you how did you know on our first night uh it's not really nice to discuss it it's private so you that very first night you knew you weren't it wasn't right but yet you you stayed together for how many years stayed together for about 16 17 years that must have been difficult it's difficult for me and for her i mean if i feel like that she feels what i feel also that's not easy i just accidentally turned the light off which is you must do this thing called mixer which is uh uh where you're not allowed to do certain things like carry electrical stuff on on the uh festival that we've got now you've just switched it i've done it by mistake yes so there won't be a problem because i've never intentionally done it if i had potentially done it then i would have had to pray to to uh god to forgive me but thank god that was not the case what could the pro what would the problem be no not much no the problem would then it would then then i don't know it'd be up to god it won't be up to me bradley has only lived in stamford hill for six years basically the song starts off an accomplished woman who can find for beyond pills is her value she opens mouth with wisdom and a lesson of kindness is on her tongue born to jewish parents but brought up in a non-observant home he came to the community for help after the death of his father i let her be placed in the gates of her own deeds since then the community has taken him in as one of their own could you please turn the lights off please [Music] all the religious purposes you're not allowed to ask a non-jewish person to switch the light you have to explain them like i'm not allowed to sleep with the light i can't suppose like um but you should understand to switch it off he's crossed with you know he's upset because i told that's not the way the jewish lord goes and i didn't mean anything bad to him just like to help michael he wants to learn and maybe he doesn't like when people teach him anything you tell them what to do i'm not mean to know what to do just to help him out it was our final night in uman and after four days of religious observance we were on our way to the post-festival concert [Music] the headline act was stamford hill's own shimmy goldstein a friend of the boys is so was it without shimmy would have been shimmy rocked it my bro man he's gonna be the king of the singers of the world look at me guys look at me look at me are you guys ready yes like this pick me up even the police is scared of him even the police nice [Music] i'd had a great time in uman avi and the boys all took their faith seriously but there was a sense of fun at the festival i hadn't expected [Music] it made me look again at the faces around stamford hill and wonder if under their hats and coats they were more like me than i had ever imagined [Music] so did you hear i went to uh yes what man you went to yeah yes well you found them nuts who you found them all nuts there who these people a lot of people who come there they throw their emotions into the religion religion is not an emotional thing religion is understanding an extreme way of life is not the religious way of life having children and going normally that is the normal way of life and living with a wife and a partner as i'm just going with the people that would sort of invited me along yeah of course but let's say there are rabbis who pray all day but prayer is not made for all day it's made to pray to half whatever time you want to pray a bit in the morning come home sit down with your family have a normal life friday night make kids sit down with your family together on my table that's the normal way of life these people don't spread the normal way of life at all and if you think they do then there's anybody watching this things they do then there's something wrong with him and i think and it's not if avi if to avi that helps him stay religious fair enough good enough but i don't think it i i can't see him staying more religious through going to oman do you think so do you think abby is going to be a more religious person a more upstanding person for going to oman well abby was quite loving towards me towards you maybe out your swords maybe maybe it does do something for avi but i think that more important things which could do avi structural studying would be more important had every state atonement studied for those days would it be more important stay stay with his family will be more important than going away wouldn't it if wouldn't you think so wouldn't you think the new year spending around your family is more important than going to oman maybe he does it at a different time no no no no not really god cries when there's a divorce and god cries when there's when there's a couple not getting along your aim in life is to get along and break your character that's what my life control of yourself understanding not to give you the go after your desires that's what jewish married life is about but abby doesn't understand that he has no thousand understand because his father died when he's very young that's usually you're going to be pleased that i went to oman i'm not i'm not pleased to talk to you right now i think you're voting after completely wrong concept of the jewish religion i couldn't argue with gabby on religious grounds but to me family seemed hugely important to abby when i caught up with him he was back on the trail of a match for tully hi tilly hello paddy how are you nice to see you hello hello how are you sir hello how are you [Music] foreign how do you feel about that tilly yeah that's okay and to hear it's not there's no harm on hearing would you meet her yeah [Music] for a week of every year the stamford hill residents celebrate sukkot a festival commemorating the 40 years when the israelites were wandering in the desert living in temporary shelters today avi is building his sukkah as instructed by the 325th commandment it's made of food and not mine is not made of food yes god used to take food and knock with nails and stuff is to come i remember i came out with my dad in the garden in israel we took all different bits of garbage and we knocked it together because we didn't have any money to make proper sukkah i mean that's a proper one really and it was interesting for children great memories being with you yeah yeah i don't have much memories of him but that's one of the things i remember that's my father in this wedding that's with the beard there with a beard there this is my father holding me when i was a baby i think my father and me is maybe the only picture i've got how old are you when you're when when your father died i was seven years old how do you think your behavior was affected by not having your dad i think father dad i don't know for sure but i think i might i might have not gone to prison i'm not going through a lot of stuff in my life because that would be somebody i respect and he will tell me do this do that do not cross the line here don't cross the line then i would not blame that because i didn't um [Music] do you think she's done a good job your mum oh yeah couldn't be better she got on the phone straight away didn't she not the idea was on the phone she spoke the right words she managed to arrange the right arrangement i'm saying if we come late we're already started on the wrong foot which is no good i think he's excited he's upset take it easy foreign i'm nervous i'm more nervous than until he was before they've already met for an hour they don't really they couldn't really know they cannot yeah i mean don't forget in my mother and father generation they didn't even meet for an hour they met maybe for one minute two minutes hello to each other and they said yes no no yes you know just this now some sitting getting married after meeting an hour an hour and a half and getting engaged here nice to meet you thank you nice to meet you how did it go it was great it was great actually yeah it went quite well you like her a lot yes you guys think you can end up with been together in such a car like here what do you think today um do you think one do you and i can sit in such a car initially thought yeah possibly nervous she was also nervous she she was a nurse now do you think she met a lot of she didn't boys before future actually today is her birthday really she was 20 today wow yeah the conversation went smooth everything went yeah two hours flew really flew do you think she liked it she liked you yeah i think so yeah well done of course she likes you too not for the questions did you get an ice cream yeah why not have you spoken to about that you want to work and live in england actually yes um she's not happy about it she wants to be in here family which is which is very understandable she wants to stay in israel yeah which is very unstandable would you come to live in israel if you think she's nice and everything you are you like her yeah i suppose so you would if she's the right one julie actually truly likes life he's prepared to move to israel if he is willing to live in israel he likes her [Music] it's sabbath in stamford hill for 24 hours in the community everything comes to a halt as residents prepare themselves for a day of rest it felt like a good time to say goodbye [Music] by here [Applause] you know when i came here i never expected to meet anyone quite like you abby it says in the book that is no rabbi who doesn't make any sense everyone nobody's perfect you've got to try to do your best to to be bound to the torah as much as you can to do the best but you cannot be perfect you're not perfect no one is perfect [Music] you

Channel: ProudSephardic

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Keywords: Arranged marriages in Judaism, Arranged marriage in Judaism, Jewish arranged marriages, Jewish arranged marriage, Israeli marriage, Jewish marriage, Hebrew marriage, Israeli arranged marriages, Israeli arranged marriage, Jewish documentary, Marriage Judaism, Jewish matchmaker, Jewish, Jewish matchmaking, Judaism, Israeli, Hebrew, Jewish finding love, Kosher love, Jewish bride documentary, Religious Jews, Arranged marriage, Arranged marriages, Judaism documentary

Id: AE2JX9IGcQU

Length: 59min 10sec (3550 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2020