(film whirring) (logo beeps) (gentle music) (musician singing in foreign language) - I don't know if there was ever a moment, if like a specific moment in time where it clicked that being
Chassid wasn't for me. It was really a process. (gentle music continues) At a very young age, I doubted a lot of what I was being told. The doubts that I had
about the existence of God, and how the world functions,
how the universe functions, those questions weren't being answered. (singer singing in foreign language) I was excited about leaving
the Hasidic movement mostly because I was about to experience what I always secretly
wanted to experience. I'd be able to listen to
non-Jewish music, watch movies. go to bars, get drunk, socialize, maybe get laid without feeling guilty, or without, without it being wrong. There's a correct way to do
almost every single thing you do in your day, from
waking up in the morning, to going to sleep at night,
every single little thing, from the way you're washing your hands, to whether or not you made
a blessing on a fruit, on a snack that you're trying to have, or, you know, the way you put
your pants on in the morning. If you don't tie your right shoe lace before you tie your left shoe lace. For instance, when I used
to wake up in the morning, I would wanna rub my eyes,
you know, to get the, you know sleep out of my eyes, and to just, you know wake up. Whenever my father was present, he always used to knock
my hands away from my eyes because you're not
supposed to rub your eyes, which become impure over night, until you wash your hands
and purify your hands. It's not like something
I can't live without, rubbing my eyes. It's a very simple, small, subtle thing. But when you're just
trying to go about your day the way you would normally do it, and there, you get, it's frustrating to be interfered with at that moment. (Snir speaking in foreign language) (women speaking in foreign language) (Snir speaking in foreign language) (gentle upbeat music) Well for a very long time my parents would reason that
the biggest problem with me not being religious wasn't so much what I'm doing to myself, but
for the sake of my siblings, I should try to modify my lifestyle. The rationale was that my younger brother, who looks up to me and emulates me, would no doubt become non-religious, and follow in my footsteps, which is kind of what happened. - I believe that there
is something out there that's, there is a higher power or something controlling,
or over watching, watching over here everything,
but I don't really believe in any God that has to do with religion. I think religion is evil, and it's the rules made
by man to control that. (people singing in foreign language) But I believe there is something
out there, a higher power. I wouldn't really say
controlling everything, but he has something to
do with what's going on. (people singing in foreign language) I felt I was brainwashed,
but from a very early age they chose certain topics to
kind of drill into your head. And it was very hard to
kind of break away from them because I noticed even once
I stopped being religious, I would still do something that was considered a sin
according to the religion, and it would still bother me
for a couple of years after. (people singing in foreign language) Music is music, you know. It's more of the language of the soul. So when I was younger, I'd
buy myself radios all the time just so I can listen to non-Jewish music, and my dad would take them away and I'd just go out and buy another one. And it was kind of a little war going on between me and my dad with my music. And that's pretty much
where it started, you know. But after that I started
tasting food that wasn't kosher, like bacon and sausage,
and going to McDonald's and stuff like that. And they always told me it was so bad, but when you take that bite out of it, and it's juicy and tasty, it was like, "Mm, how can this be bad?" - I don't frown upon his lifestyle. So for me to assume some sort of, you know, guilt or responsibility over his not been religious would be kind of hypocritical of me. There's nothing wrong with it. - These are my kids. They're part of my essence. You don't just go and bring
a child into this world and abandon them for whatever reason. If a child, God forbid, had some sickness, what would you do, take a baseball bat and hit him over the head and
say, "You fool you're sick." No, so if a child has
a spiritual sickness, or has a spiritual insensitivity which needs to be corrected,
so what do you do? You sever them, you cut the umbilical cord the spiritual umbilical cord, God forbid. No, you don't. You continue to nurture,
you continue to love them. They're part of you, and
you hope and you pray that God will give them the experiences that they need to realize who
they are and what they have. (gentle upbeat music) I turn to myself and I
say, "What did I do wrong? How did I fail Levi and Hudi? What did I not give them that allowed them to find the outside world so attractive?" (gentle upbeat music continues) - It's not that being a
Chassid is necessarily so bad, but there's something so attractive and so desirable about
just being your own man, and, you know, not having
anyone else decide for you. So it's less about premarital sex, and, you know, good music, and good food, and indulgence in general, it's really about being
able to choose for yourself. (Snir speaking in foreign language) - [Levi] Come on in. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too. I'm Levi, have a seat. (Snir speaking in foreign language) - Okay, this experiment consists
of a lexical decision task. So your job will be to
look at the stimuli, which are either a real English
word or a nonsense word. And your job will be to basically evaluate whether it is or it isn't. The general attitude, or
the lifestyle that I lead, is one of, you know,
curiosity and exploration, where I don't have to consider, you know, whether I'm transgressing against God. That is my lifestyle,
the freedom to be able to explore without guilt. And that's something you
can have as a Cassid. I, you know, it's not like, you know, my intellectual curiosity is
necessarily in transgression against the faith. I can read everything I want, but if I'm going to read Darwin then I'd have to necessarily
criticize them when I'm done. You know, I'd have to at least be reading him with, you know, the attitude that this is rubbish. - Nothing happens by chance. They were born into a Lubavitch family. They were born with a Jewish soul. So these things are with them
for the rest of their days. It's not something that they can take off like they take off a garment. This is their treasure,
this is their inheritance. So externally, if they
don't want to open up their treasure chest, and they don't want to look at what they have, or they don't want to polish
their gold and silver ornaments that they've been given as an inheritance, that's their choice right now. (gentle guitar music) ♪ Feel like an island ♪ ♪ Lost in the sea ♪ ♪ You were more than an island ♪ ♪ You're a father to me ♪ ♪ From the day she was taken ♪ ♪ I see a strength in your eyes ♪ ♪ I hear the crack in your voice ♪ ♪ Reveal the weight of your smile ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ (man speaking in foreign language) (men chattering in foreign language) - I think my coping process is one of how do I be a better father? How do I keep my home open to them? How do I encourage them to reassess some of the decisions that they've made? (man speaking in foreign language) (gentle guitar music) ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ ♪ For whatever it's worth ♪ ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ - My leaving the faith has,
has affected him a lot. I know it causes a lot of pain. His biggest dream is that I
will become Hasidic again. I just hope there's a time
when he can get over it and realize that it probably won't happen, and he can be happy. (men chattering in foreign language) - I want you to know
that each and every day, I pray for their return. (Pinchus chanting in foreign language) As part of my religious
service each and every morning, I think about things. And on a daily basis,
I think about the boys, and I, and I pray for them to come home. (gentle music) (gentle upbeat music) - I think it was a lot
of the artistic parts of my personality that
seemed to be out of place in the Ultra Orthodox world. I went to a camp called
Camp Panos, for example, and it was an all girls camp, and it was all girls audiences, and we had a dance festival every year. And they had different
choreographed dances. And I think I was about nine years old, and they taught me the
dance and I loved the moves. I was like really expressing
myself in the moves. And after the first
performance of the dance, a few people came up to me and they said, "You can't move like that,
that's really prust." Prust is like a way of
describing something that's like erotic and dirty, just dirty, just not
part, you know, you can't, it's prust, you know, "So
you can't dance like that. It's really prust." And I felt so embarrassed,
and it was an all girls camp. I was nine years old. I don't know what I could have done. The movements were not even with the hips. I was just expressive,
and I was just exuberant. And that alone was
something that was a signal to something much, you
know, it's a sign post that yeah, I'm gonna be
doing something much worse, which I think maybe ended up being true. (guitar strumming) (upbeat guitar music) (Basya singing in foreign language) As a woman, I felt mostly that there was a
marginalization of the voice. I felt like it was really,
world where the women's voice wasn't really celebrated. I mean, it was meant to be hidden. We don't grow up preparing
for a musical career. I mean, it's impossible. You know, a woman's not
allowed to sing in public. A woman's supposed to be preparing to get married and having children. You can develop skills in
other areas that are safe, that are never going to
challenge your relationship to orthodoxy, but there's
almost no paradigm for training as an artist. (men singing in foreign language) But what I take from that
world is a joy of singing. Everyone loves to sing. I've rarely seen a
community where everyone loves to sing that much. And those songs became
very much my influences. They became very much my basic influences, and the texts that I had to memorize in school became the
words that I sing now. (gentle guitar music) (Basya singing in foreign language) The music that I compose
is still influenced by some of those things,
but it's also influenced by the outside world that I
got exposed to by traveling. (Basya singing in foreign language) (gentle upbeat music) (Basya singing in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (gentle music) (young man speaking in foreign language) - I left and I didn't leave. I feel like there's a
very strong part of me that still, that still adheres
and still feels very close to the ideals of the religion
in its highest moments. At its best it's a religion that's very ethically connected, very much about doing the
right thing in every moment. It's like in every moment we have a choice to do something that feeds our ego, feeds our desire, feeds our lorn nature. And there's something that we can do that's going to be an
investment into our spirit, investment into our future, investment into our, you know,
into making the world better and making ourselves better. And those things, I still
feel very connected to. (Snir speaking in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (people chattering in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) - I can remember experiences
from the age of seven. When I had a dream about the eagle, we learned in school that the big eagle, (speaks in foreign
language) was gonna come. And that, that, that eagle was gonna land on everybody's street,
and is going to like, it's just gonna be there. And everyone's going to come out with all their suitcases and
go on to the eagle's back. And then the eagle was gonna
just stop off everywhere. And then the eagle's gonna go
(speaks in foreign language) and then it was (speaks in
foreign language) you know. And I learned that at seven. And when I, I had the most vivid dream at that age that the
eagle landed on my street, on 18th Avenue, 49th street,
on the dead end block that I lived on. And that everybody was able to go on. My family went, everyone on the block like left their houses, went on top of the eagle and I was just left scraping the ice off the window watching. And it was just understood in
the dream that I couldn't go. And that was a really powerful moment because if you're not observant of the laws and the commandments. In school, they say if you're not (speaks in foreign language)
you know, like this, then you're not gonna be able to go on the eagle. And I think that that
was such a powerful fear that it ended up in my dream and that kind of dream that was so vivid is becomes part of your psyche. That there's something about you that's not like everybody else, that won't be worthy of going
on to this big cyanic eagle. (gentle music)
(singer vocalizing) (young man speaking in foreign language) (people chattering in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (people chattering in foreign language) (Sara speaking in foreign language) (Sara speaking in foreign language) ♪ Run like the future ♪ ♪ Has no past ♪ (Sara speaking in foreign language) ♪ Run from those thinkers ♪ ♪ Whose thoughts never change ♪ ♪ Run from your hometown ♪ ♪ 'Cause it keeps you the same ♪ ♪ Don't be a fool like those ♪ ♪ Who hold on to their shame ♪ (Snir speaking in foreign language) (gentle upbeat music)
(singer vocalizing) (Sara speaking in foreign language) (gentle upbeat music)
(singer vocalizing) (Sara speaking in foreign language) (Rachel speaking in foreign language) (children speaking in foreign language) (Sara speaking in foreign language) - [Pinchus] This one says four. How's school going, what's happening? - [Levi] You know, same old. - [Pinchus] How's the new place? - [Levi] Good. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - You know, I haven't been there yet. - [Levi] I know. - So when-
- Now's the time. Just gotta check with my
roommates of course, first. - [Pinchus] Maybe we should wait until the Canadians are playing. - [Levi] That's gonna be a good times. What's up, Hudi? - [Pinchus] We guys, we ready to go. - It looks like it's
almost finished. (laughs). - Hudi, there's the walls, there's the (speaks in foreign language). There's the ceiling, we've got work to do. Okay.
- We've got out work cut out for us. - I love being Jewish. I'm proud of being Jewish. My biggest heroes are all Jewish. Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen,
Sandy Kofax, Einstein. (Hudi speaking in foreign language) There's nothing about a non-Jew
that I find objectionable in a lifetime partner. But I ultimately do have this obligation to my family, and I don't know if I can do it. What marrying a non-Jew would
actually mean to my family is that I am officially severing the tie between myself and God, by cutting off the chain and the lineage. If I reproduce with a non-Jew,
my child won't be Jewish, and therefore that's it, the family ends. There's nothing more tragic
to my family than that. I've lost a girlfriend over this, right? I did have a relationship
with someone who I loved, and perhaps still love dearly, that I ended because there was no way to reconcile this relationship and the relationship with my family. And she was a non-Jewish girl. I guess I should specify that. That's, that's, that's
where the struggle was. And so when it came down to the wire, when it came down to choose, I couldn't, I felt like I couldn't, that like, that would be a betrayal. Even though, even though
these are not values that I endorsed, personally. You know, I think a lot of other people would be, would say, "Fuck off." You know, "This is someone I love. How could you demand this of me?" (gentle music) (Snir speaking in foreign language) (Sara speaking in foreign language) - I wanted more than
anything to have a boyfriend. I thought, wow, that would be so amazing. But I realized I had no skills, like the boy that was interested in me, who was cute, and cool,
and charming, you know. He liked me and we started going out. But to me, that meant let's race to the tree, who can racce faster, who can jump, you know, I was tomboy. I liked to jump, and run, and race. And to him, it was like,
when are you gonna kiss me? And I was like, eh, you
know, it wasn't in my, it wasn't in my vocabulary. We weren't allowed to touch. They said you can't
even touch a man, a boy. So he's, I mean, the idea of him kissing, it was just unfathomable. It was like, you know, too many steps. I couldn't cross that bridge at that time. (young man speaking in foreign language) (people chattering in foreign language) (rabbi speaking in foreign language) (upbeat music) (musicians speaking in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (musicians speaking in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (Pinchus speaking in foreign language) - You know, we can't be
right about everything. And when you're sort of
born into this environment, there's a very, very small chance that you're actually right
about your worldview, right? That, that the worldview you've inherited is exactly the way it is. - First of all, I don't even understand where we're going there because
I mean there's a basic thing that I think what we would like to, I'm just gonna- - Can I just finish, but let
me tell you where I'm going. This is very important
that I finish this point. And this is the point. The point is that you
can't just go through life moving from an inherited truth, and whatever difficulties
you encounter along the way that threaten your
worldview, go out of your way and create these like
convoluted, you know, counter examples to defend your position. You have to be able to
welcome the possibility that you may be wrong,
and at least be willing to explore other areas. - [Pinchus] Levi, can you just
hold this for a second, okay. That's an inherited truth. I just passed you that napkin. - Right.
- You have now inherited the knowledge that that's true. Well, the Jewish people
from the time of the giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai- - But how can you prove it? - Inherited truth, and they
inherit and they passed it down. All right, the same way that
I passed you that napkin. Now I understand the logical part about is it true, is it not true. I'm not going there. I just wanna know one thing. I wanna know one thing. - Yes.
- All right. First of all, give you my napkin back. I wanna know thing.
- Okay, have it back. I don't want your narrative dirty napkin. - (laughs) So all I
wanna know as a father is that if I'm passing
that to you, all right, did you know that you have
that in your bag of tricks, that at some point in your life, whenever you should so choose, all right, that you can investigate something in order to perhaps get
more meaning in life than what you've tried to get the meaning- - I will say this, I
investigate it every day. I'm constantly evaluating. - [Pinchus] Can we celebrate now? (all chuckling) (Pinchus speaking in foreign language) - Do you want my dirty napkin? - But maybe we have
investigated this already, and we've come to our decision. - Both of you have had tough
experiences growing up. - I don't think that's
necessarily the case to tell you the truth. You know, I, in a sense, I've
heard this notion before, and I think it's sort of
patronizing in a sense, you know. There was this Facebook group created, I was invited to by a
rabbi in the community, and it was about what to do with kids who went off, who
don't fit into the system, as if there's like some kind of like you know, cure fine.
- Cure. - But at the same time, as if it's like there's some sort of
profile where you have to be a little bit odd, or
like you have to endure some kind of like traumatizing experience within the system for you to reject it. That isn't, that isn't the case, you know. People are different,
and you can be, you know, a well disciplined child. You can be a smart child. You can be an enthusiastic
learner as a child, and still the system might not be for you. You know, this system
might not be for you. - We are who we are and
we're not afraid to show it. And we don't care what anybody thinks, we're gonna live how we wanna live. And if that bothers you,
that's your problem. But it's, we try not to
let other people affect the way we live our lives. So, I think no matter what
you would have done, yeah, probably wouldn't have changed who we are. We are who we are and we stick by it. - Okay, give me some of that three chords, we might have something we can work with. (gentle guitar music) ♪ I will find a way ♪ ♪ You will see the day ♪ ♪ We will find a way to say ♪ ♪ I will find a way ♪ ♪ You will see the day ♪ ♪ And I will find a way ♪ (Snir speaking in foreign language) ♪ So, so ♪ ♪ We will find before so long ♪ (Snir speaking in foreign language) - Levi, can I just bring
it down to simple things? You find yourself, you find
yourself in Kruger park, right? And you walk out of your Jeep,
which basically protects you from the wild animals, and
a hundred yards down there you see a lion and now, wow. Let's just interact with that lion. So you're just gonna go
up and shake his hand. - You're always talking,
you always come back to these dangers right? Where, you know, you shouldn't explore because there's these, you
know, something's lurking that might threaten you. - I'm your father, I worry about it. - Yeah, but dad, that's
not an accurate depiction of the way things are. Yes, there are dangers out there. - I'm purposely-
- And what I'm talking about, you know, evolving and
embracing other things. - Not every experience enriches your life. - Every experience does.
- Some experiences hurt you. - They hurt you, but you learn from them, and it makes you stronger. - Well, yes, if you're
a heroin addict, yes. You learn from your
experience not to take heroin. Yes, it's another lion
lurking in the corner. I understand, but I mean, come on, guys. Not everything is meant to be experienced. Use your heads, you're
both intelligent boys. - [Levi] Okay, I'm not going to do heroin. Let me ask you this. Where's the danger in the
lifestyles we've chosen? - You really wanna know? - [Levi] Yes, what's gonna happen? And, I anticipate that-
- I'll tell you what's, I'll tell you what's gonna happen, something you're not gonna like. 120 years, right, you've lived 120 years. It's time for you to go and
make your account, right? So that's it, you know, that's
the time you're allotted. And when you do a review, right, you look at everything and
every detail that you've done, and you look back and
you say now you're wise, you're 120 years. You have no more time
left, but you're wise. Isn't that great, you
finally arrive, right? You've got no more time to use it, right? And you're gonna say, you know what? Ah, that age, you know
what, that was real dumb. I was stupid, I shouldn't have done that. Oh, you know what? When I was a little bit
older, that was cool. Or even maybe with
something, look, you just, it's not everything that's out
there is meant to be tasted, and not everything out there
is meant to be experienced. You have to, the earlier that you can find and focus yourself on
something that's meaningful and truthful to you, it
doesn't have to be a whole global experience over here, right? The sooner you'll be a
happy, directed individual who's focused on getting into it. - [Levi] I assure you I will
not eat poisonous mushrooms and I will not try to tickle a lion. (all laughing) (gentle music) (Basya singing in foreign language) (young man speaking in foreign language) (Basya singing in foreign language) (Sara speaking in foreign language) (Basya singing in foreign language) - I guess you've kept the door open for us because, plain and simple, you love us. And that sort of transcends all, you know, the nitty gritty of,
you know, the fisticuffs that we've come to. - You know, I remember my late uncle Izzy used to take me to all the
Canadians hockey games. I remember as a kid going
to a Stanley cup playoffs. It was like the greatest thrill. One day we were going, and it was cold. It was winter, but we
were going in the car, I guess we were gonna park
underground, I don't remember. And I said to him, "I don't
want to take my coat." He said, "Take your coat,
you can always leave it in the car, but always know that you have the back door open, you can
always get it if you need it." You know, you're right, I'm right. You're wrong, I'm wrong. We're just people, right? There are things that are
above us and beyond us. That's all I want you to appreciate. - [Levi] And I tell you, dad. - Yeah. - I'm going to play off hockey. It's April, it's May. I will not need the coat,
but it's in the backseat. (all laughing) - [Pinchus] As long as
it's in the backseat, that's what counts. As long as the bet is low- - I know I won't use it. - It's a silly thing to have a house without a door in the back. You've gotta have a door in the front and a door-
- You've gotta have a backdoor.
- You've gotta have a backdoor.
- But what's a house without a backdoor, it's no kinda house. - It's a mall. - But it's okay if you
put like a bookshelf in front of the back door. - We are coming to this point now where I think Levi wants to bless us with a (speaks in foreign language). - God bless you all (speaks
in foreign language). Whoo. (upbeat music) (musicians singing in foreign language)
