There she is. -All right?
-Here's one. Why did the chicken
cross the road? Dunno. To get away from the smell
of two gypsies fucking my wife. They're not even
proper jokes. Also, it's racist. Shut up. Why? The smell of two gypsies
fucking my wife? The smell
was coming from her. Use your noggin. She had a terrible
feminine hygiene problem. She was the one that stank. I used to say to her
"You got a proper stink on going down there
in that cabbage". Okay. Okay, we love that. Okay. And we roll. Anti. I'm so proud of you. Anti, this isn't your line. This isn't your line. We broadcast on Twitter and show you
how we do the work. Testing my testes all over
your nan! Right in her fucking mooey. She was like
Oh, thanks babes-- I've never heard mooey
before. I've never heard mooey
before. So go back
and do that again. Let me give you-- I've never heard
mooey in my life. Oi, what you been eating? Don't fucking worry about
what I've been eating. What I won't be eating is that fucking number seven
breakfast down below She was like
"Oh, thanks darling. I fucking needed that". "Gone in me eye,
I've gone blind". What you been eating? Don't fucking worry about
what I've been eating-- Stop it. Sorry, sorry. I tried. I tried. I tried. What you been eating. Okay,
just pick it up from there. Hey, what you been eating? Don't fucking worry about
what I've been eating nana. You fucking get yourself
out the fucking door and don't slip over all
that fucking hairy monkey, you dirty old toss pot. Hairy monk-- She's like "Thanks babe,
I fucking needed that". Fucking looked at her. Right, okay. Listen, okay. To anyone who doesn't
understand, this is really difficult. I can't tell you. Mind you,
I was high risk with AIDS. That's 'cause I liked it
up the ass. My choice. I'm never gonna get that. You go again.
Just do one more. Mind you, I was high risk
with AIDS as well. That's 'cause I liked it
up the ass. My choice. My choice. Missionary, missionary,
missionary, missionary, missionary, missionary,
missionary, bored. Turn round,
let me see your ass. Let me see your ass. Sorry. Sorry. Don't apologise. Jesus Christ. Boring. Turn round, love.
Let me see that ass. Not even the ass,
I like the anus. Let me see that ass. Not even the ass actually,
I like the anus. I don't like the ass,
I like the anus. The eye of mystery. Right down her neck. Sorry. Saved by the bell. Show me your ass. Please sho-- Sorry, sorry. I can do it. You know
the Wilson brothers? -Yeah.
-Yeah? They had a go on her once. One of each tit,
one on the barnacle. You know Lucas Holt? -Yeah, kind of.
-Right-angled dick. Goes off on one direction,
shoots off on another. Know Adam Hayworth? Yeah. Biggest willy in Tambury. You know Gordon Walker,
the groundsman? Yeah. He hung her up
by her ankles once. Fed on her minge
like a hot pie. Joe, I don't know
how you're doing it. -I'm thinking about--
-I fell over. I'm thinking about
dead relatives. And do bring
your wife along. It's mostly for women. I don't have a wife. Gay? Even better. Definitely not. I can see the fear. I can see the fear. We're like "No". I know your "I'm not gonna
laugh" face now. Which is always exactly
the same as laughing. Gay? Even better. Definitely not. Gay? Even better. What was that? I can't tell him I work
for a free local paper, he'll think I'm a loser. None taken. Tell him… You're an investi-- I can't say the word now. Investigative journalist. Tell him you're an investi-- Okay, I can never say
the word now. That's it. Lunch? Tell him you're
an investigave jour-- Tell him you're
an investigave journalist. I know,
let's go from the top. Okay, yeah. I can't tell him I work
for a free local paper, he'll think I'm a-- Can't look at you. It's going… I can feel it creeping on. -What?
-Your willy. Thoughts? He can take a little bit
harder without hurting him. I know
you're trying to miss. Just a little bit, like a-- Like you sort of.
Like you really wanna-- That was too close. Bad idea. One more. Last time, Brian. He's never gonna work
with me again. D'you like chess? -Pardon?
-There's a horse. There's a what? I'm sorry? There's a horse. Must be a new one. She had a terrible
feminine hygiene problem. I should know,
I live with it. Believe me. Just do it again.
Just like that. The smell was coming from-- Right, okay. Lovely pair of eyes. I used to say to her "You got a proper stink on
down there". She'd say "If God had wanted
my snatch to smell nice, he wouldn't have stuck it
next to me asshole". Right, that is unbelievable. The Larry Grayson look he
had. It is amazing. I used to say to her "You got a proper stink on
in those knickers". -Cut.
-Sorry. Who qualms with the asshole? So, I'm young, free
and single again. So… I was wondering… Right, okay. So, I was thinking… Do you… So… I was wondering… So… I was wondering… Look at Daniel Day Lewis
in My Left Foot. Fuck me,
what was up with him? No one cared. -Rain Man was the same.
-D'you know what-- No one knew
what that cunt was up to. Alright, I'm ready. Okay, get this. Okay, get this. Gill thinks-- It's the eye roll. Man talk "Get this". Okay, get this, right, Gill thinks
I'm not very adventurous. Gill thinks
I'm not very adventurous. The puff. And action. The olives have still got
the stones in, so just be a bit careful
with them Okay, I can't take people
being boring. It makes me laugh. Nice drop, innit? Okay, right. Okay. You can't speak. -Have we started?
-We haven't started yet. He keeps being boring
on purpose. Which was did you come? No, okay. Is it merino wool? It's pure cotton. I think she always wanted
to do something artistic 'cause she could
always find the camera. You know,
wherever I was in the room. Even if I shoved it
underneath her minge. Even when I stuck it
underneath her chuff chuff. Bang! She looked over, waved at me
and came on the lens. She was laughing
at one moment. Ecstasy. Laughing at me. And coming. At one point she was
laughing at me and coming. At the same-- He was a big man. I enjoyed having him
in the house. What you thinking? I don't want to think. Heart-breaking what he said. Let's watch The Chase. You know, five years ago
I could have knocked one out and got it straight down
your throat. Fuck! Sorry. You all right? It's like a big ol' barrage
balloon up there. Sorry sir, I just don't like
little Gary staring at me. No, that's fine. Put your map down,
look at your stockers. You keep
looking at her tits? -No.
-Why not? Well, he's a baby. Right, yeah, he's not the one
making all the noise, is he? You are. To keep him amused. You're a big, annoying cunt. You big cunt! You're a big, fucking cunt! It's great down here. You've got a little bit of
aftershave on, don't ya? Yeah, little bit. Anti, quick. Lie down. Get up. Go, get up. I think we've blown
this take. Lie down. Good girl. I'm soaked. I can't-- -Hello you!
-Stay. Anti. I've washed in a sausage and
she still doesn't love me. Oh God! -D'you have any ice?
-Yeah. Is that the fridge? I don't
know, I don't live here. Is it? Hygiene is paramount. -You can write it down.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you went every day
for what? six hours? Six or seven hours. Bernard.
Did Bernard get you? Bernard got me. I wasn't eating
all the time. I'd fall asleep now
and again, but-- Just a machine.
Just keeps going. I wasn't eating
all the time. I'd fall asleep now
and again, but I'd wake up if they tried to
take my plate away What is he looking at-- -Tired?
-Hmm, little bit. -What you been in?
-What? -What?
-What, what? I di--
A musical, Taxi Driver. Fair enough. Are you looking at me,
'Cause I'm looking at you I don't see anyone else You could be fucking
looking at Bang Bang! I'm a taxi driver Pick up my fare and I'll
drive you where you wanna go Bang Bang! I don't know what to do.
