Vanessa:
Guess what? We are going to have a baby, another baby.
Dan: Yay.
Vanessa: Today I am here with my husband, Dan.
Dan: Hello.
Vanessa: And we are going to give you a real English
conversation. I know that a lot of you love these conversations. It's a great way to level
up your listening skills and just have a good time with English. And we have something
special Today. We asked you what questions you have for us about baby number three.
And boy oh boy, did you deliver? Ha ha ha. Dan:
Boy oh boy. I don't know about that. Vanessa:
Girl oh girl. Did you deliver? We have- Dan:
Hello girl. Vanessa:
12 questions that you asked us about our third baby and our lives. And we're
going to answer them, starting with the category of pregnancy, then going on to birth, and then
going on to life with three children. So I hope you enjoy this lesson. Like always, I have created
a free PDF worksheet, which is now covering Dan's face. That includes all of today's questions.
Some of the key vocabulary that you're going to see come up on the screen here, and that will
help you to be able to follow our conversation. You can click on the link in the description to
download that free PDF worksheet today. It is our gift to you. You are also welcome to click
CC so that you can view the full subtitles for our conversation. I have these questions, but we
haven't chatted about it at all. This is all just spontaneous.
Dan: Going in fresh.
Vanessa: Yeah, just off the cuff. So I don't know what's
going to happen. I hope it will be interesting and useful to you, but if there's any vocabulary or
anything that might be new for you, you can click CC and view the full subtitles. All right. Are
you ready to get started with the first category, pregnancy?
Dan: I'm so ready.
Vanessa: Okay. Well, I got a big old belly that's ready to
talk about pregnancy. Let's talk about the first question, which comes from Olga.
Dan: Olga.
Vanessa: Well, you might or might not know that we
have a name for our baby. First of all, is our baby a boy or a girl?
Dan: She's a girl.
Vanessa: Yes. So we have a five-year-old boy, a
three-year-old boy, and now we're going to have a third child who's a girl. Very exciting.
Dan: Yay.
Vanessa: And she has a name.
Dan: Yes. What is it?
Vanessa: Well, Olga's question is about that.
Dan: Oh.
Vanessa: She says, I love the name you chose, Matilda.
Dan: Matilda.
Vanessa: She said Matilda is my favorite Roald Dahl
book for children. Did you have any specific inspiration when choosing this beautiful name?
Thank you, Olga. So yeah, what do you think? Did we have any inspiration for choosing this name?
Dan: No, not really. I don't know if you did, but so
my process was to look at the most popular names, the top 1000, basically.
Vanessa: 1000?
Dan: Yes. I scrolled through all of them and I just
wrote down the ones that I liked. And I saw Matilda and I thought, "Hmm, that's a pretty
cool name, but I don't think Vanessa will like it." So I wrote down, I don't know, 25 names and
that Vanessa does the same thing and she writes down two names.
Vanessa: I said no to a lot of names.
Dan: She wrote down two names. One was
Louise and the other one was Matilda. Vanessa:
Yep. Dan:
And I was like, "Matilda, really?"
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: And I was like, "Why?" And I don't even know if
you had a good answer. Well, I mean, there is no good answer. What is your answer? Because-
Vanessa: I don't know.
Dan: I didn't even decide it.
Vanessa: I think what sold me on the name was not so much
the full name, but I really like the nickname, which is Tilly. I think Matilda
in English, it sounds very strong. It's not an extremely feminine name, but I feel
like the nickname Tilly is very cute. This is a absolutely unknown in the US. It
is so unusual in the US. But it's- Dan:
To be called Matilda. Vanessa:
To be called Matilda or Tilly. I think in the US on those lists, it was like...
Dan: It's in 400s.
Vanessa: Number, 400. It was not popular at all. But in
the UK, Australia, a bunch of Nordic countries, it was top 20. I was so surprised. So I don't know
why the US is lagging behind, but we are here- Dan:
We always are. Vanessa:
Bring back Matilda and it's a old-fashioned name, and our other kids' names are old-fashioned names.
Dan: Yeah. It definitely fits in with the other names.
Vanessa: Theodore, Frederick, Matilda. And each name has a
shortened version, Theo, Freddie Tilly. So it fit the theme of our family.
Dan: We like to have big, bold names and then we
chop them up into smaller names that sound cute? Although I think I might call her Matilda a lot.
Vanessa: Yeah. We've been calling her Matilda so far.
Dan: That that name has grown on me quite a bit
because at first I was like, it's really strong to Americans. It sounds really strong, I think.
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: Although most people we've talked to, they've
been like, "Matilda's so cute. I love it." Vanessa:
Yeah. It's really- Dan:
We've gotten really good reactions about it, but the more I say it
and the more I hear my kids say it, especially. Vanessa:
Oh, it's so cute when they say it. Dan:
Say it when Theo and Freddy say, "Oh, how's Matilda in there?" It's very cute.
I think I'm just going to call her Matilda. Vanessa:
Yeah, we'll see. Dan:
Or actually her middle name is May. So that's actually my grandma's middle name. And so
we decided to take that and call her Matilda May. Vanessa:
Or Tilly May. Dan:
Or Tilly May. Yeah. So I'll probably call her all of those things.
Vanessa: All right. Let's go on to our next question.
Waffa has a question about deciding to have a third child. She said-
Dan: Oh dear.
Vanessa: Many families hesitate before deciding to
have a third child. So was it your case, did you have any concerns about deciding to have
a third child? This is a deeper question. Did we have any concerns about having a third child?
Dan: Well, yes, for sure. Both of us hesitated quite a
bit. I hesitated less because in my family growing up, there were three of us. So actually it's
exactly the same as my family's going to be. So I have one brother and one sister, older
brother, older sister. I'm in the middle. Vanessa:
Younger sister. Dan:
Younger sister. And so it just seemed natural to me to have three
kids in the family. And so I was into the idea. And I would've probably been somewhat
disappointed if we didn't shoot for three. Vanessa:
Sure. Yeah, we talked about that. Dan:
But I would've ultimately been okay with it because yeah, when you take
out a piece of paper and you start writing down, why do I want a third kid? And you're like,
"I don't even know, this is going to be a lot more work and we're going to have to have
a minivan forever and stuff like that." Vanessa:
And you don't have to deal with this well, so it's a lot easier for-
Dan: That's another thing altogether.
Vanessa: The man to say, "Oh sure, let's have three kids."
And for me, I think there is a lot more hesitation and I think rightly so. I want to make sure that
it's a good decision for our family. I definitely hesitate more. And I think that that's very normal
considering I have to be pregnant. I have to give birth. I have to breastfeed our child. There's
a lot more duties on me and run this business and take care of our other children. So there's a
lot of hesitation. But in the end, I think it came down to the question of what if we chose not to?
Would I feel like I was missing out on the unknown? And I think a lot of women
feel this, that when they have one kid, maybe they expect that they'll have a
second kid. And then the question of, "Am I done? Am I done having children?" That's a big question.
I think a lot of moms that I know feel that really strongly, am I done? Can I be okay with being
done having children? How do I feel about that? And it's a really tricky question to answer and
very personal. So if you have only two children, that can be okay for your family. Our family's
choice doesn't have to be the same for everyone. So yeah, it came down to, well, are we missing
out on something? I don't know. Let's see. Dan:
Were you shooting for a girl at all? Did you think about that?
Vanessa: I did not think about the gender because I feel
like when you decide to have a third child, especially if you have two of the same gender
like us. We have two boys. You have to want a third child because you're going to get a third
child. It can't be about just boy or just girl. Dan:
Boy or girl. Vanessa:
For us, it was a very great, happy surprise to have a
girl. But I think I would have been just as happy, less surprised. But I think I would've been just
as happy to have a boy because the idea for us was will this third child complete our family?
Instead of will this girl complete our family? So we'll see what Matilda's
like. I have no idea. I don't know if my idea of this completing our family will
be correct if we made a good decision or not. Dan:
I think it will. That's just me. Vanessa:
Yeah, we try. Dan:
Cherry on top. Vanessa:
Try to have some high hopes. All right. Let's go to the next question.
This question's mainly for me, but you're welcome to have any input.
Dan: I'll listen.
Vanessa: It is from Chelsea and she says, is this pregnancy
different from your pregnancy with the boys? Well, you were not pregnant
with any of them, unfortunately. Dan:
Yes. Very different. Vanessa:
I would say this pregnancy is different, but not because she's a
girl. That's my guess. This pregnancy is different because it's my third pregnancy, and that makes
it a lot harder. So my body hurts more. My belly's a lot bigger than with them. Just everything
is harder because it's the third pregnancy. I don't know if it's the same for everyone. I know
some people have a very smooth, easy pregnancy. For me, this pregnancy is very difficult
and I'm very ready for it to be finished. So that's pretty much it.
Dan: Was the morning sickness about the same though?
Vanessa: Yeah, I'd say morning sickness, which is when
you feel nauseous during the first trimester. That was pretty similar. Dan:
Yeah. Vanessa:
I think it's just that everything happened sooner and my body hurts more in general.
Dan: I have noted that with every child,
she complains about her body earlier. Vanessa:
Yes. And I think that that's very possible. My body is having a
harder time this time, and that's normal. So yeah, anyway, it's different. It's harder,
but not because she's a girl, I think. All right, let's go to the next question. Now, this was one
of our most asked questions, and sometimes this question can be perceived as rude. But because
I asked my students directly to ask me anything, it's okay that they ask this, but I want
you to be careful when you're talking with a random person who's pregnant. Do not ask
this, but now it's okay. So for those of you who asked me this question, it's okay.
The question is, can you guess what it is? Dan:
Was she an accident or on purpose? Vanessa:
That's it. That's one of the... Dan:
That's the rude way to say it. Vanessa:
Yeah. So Gloria asked us in a very nice way, she said, "Did you plan this baby or was it
a surprise?" Surprise is very positive words. Dan:
That's a nice way to say it is a surprise. Vanessa:
So I'd like to explain really quick before we answer this, why it can be considered rude.
And it's not really because it's too personal. It's more because if you did not plan your
pregnancy and you just got pregnant by accident, there's a concern. Maybe for me,
if I got pregnant by accident then and someone said, "Is this an accidental
pregnancy?" And I said, "Yes." I might feel like, "Oh, they might think I don't love my child."
Dan: It puts you on the spot.
Vanessa: It feels like maybe you don't care about
your child as much as someone who plans their pregnancy. So I think it can make,
especially the mother feel uncomfortable. But for those of you who asked this to us, no
problem. I allowed you to ask any question. Dan: We don't have a problem with it.
Vanessa: Answer-
Dan: Especially because-
Vanessa: Did we plan this baby?
Dan: We always plan all children. You cannot be
married to this woman and not have a plan. Vanessa:
So generally, I'm very careful about... I know things could always happen, but I try to be very
careful about planning when we have a baby and all of those types of things. I think that that's
important for the family unit. It's Important for me. I know that your body and your life is often
unpredictable, but that's just how it went for us. The next category is questions about birth and
around the birth time. So our first question is from Lucas and he says, "Will you give birth
at home like you did with Theo and Freddie?" Quick correction. I gave birth in a birth
center for Theo and Freddie. So it's like a home environment, but they have all of the
emergency supplies. Should your baby need oxygen, if you hemorrhage and you can't stop bleeding,
they can help you with all of that. And it's a very comforting environment. It's not the
hospital, but it's beside the hospital. Anyway, it was a beautiful experience.
Dan: Feels like a bedroom.
Vanessa: Yeah, it's like a bedroom, a really
nice hotel room. I feel extremely lucky that we had that available in our
city, but about a year and a half ago- Dan:
Now we don't. Vanessa:
The birth center had to close. There was just insurance problems. It was really a big
shame. I know the US doesn't have a good healthcare reputation, and this is one of the
problems. So the birth center closed down and I needed to find an alternative. And we had two
options. One was to go to the hospital and one was to have a home birth because I already
had two very smooth, pretty straightforward- Dan:
Successful. Vanessa:
Successful, simple births. And I feel very lucky about that. I know a lot of people
have scary birth stories, but for me it was really empowering and great, not fun, but certainly a
positive experience, overall. I felt comfortable not giving birth in the hospital. So I interviewed
a couple midwives who come to your house and help you as you're giving birth. And we found one that
we really liked. So I've been having appointments with her. It's just like normal, really. She takes
my blood, she does various tests, all of those types of things. And when she comes to the house
when I'm in labor, she said she has three gigantic bags of all of the emergency supplies and anything
that she might need to help me or the baby. And yeah, we'll see what happens.
Dan: She seems very capable.
Vanessa: Yeah, very capable, very-
Dan: She's delivered thousands of babies.
Vanessa: And I think because I've given birth before, I feel more comfortable with the experience
in general. So yeah, that's what we're going to do. We'll let you know how it turns out. All right, the next question could be more for
both of us. And a lot of people ask this. Carmen, Michelle, Evangelina and Ophelia asked, "Do you
think Freddie and Theo will be jealous of their little sister?" What do you think?
Dan: I don't think so. No.
Vanessa: Okay.
Dan: I think they're going to be just very excited to
see her and be with her. And I think they won't be jealous. I think they might get frustrated if
we're doing something with her and they want to play with us or talk to us or something.
Vanessa: That's part of jealousy though. I think
that's how kids can express jealousy in a way. Dan:
Oh, okay. Vanessa:
Is extra anger, extra frustration. Dan:
They're just like that now anyways. If we're doing something and they want
our attention, they're going to be upset about it. jealousy. I don't think so.
Vanessa: No, they've think so really positively to other
babies. And whenever we talk about Matilda, it's funny because you know how as adults, whenever
we're near babies, your voice goes up like, "Oh, little baby." You create this baby voice.
Our kids do that too. They'll say, "Oh, I wonder if Matilda's going to have little cute
fingers." And they have that voice too. So you can tell that they are expecting her to be a cute
little play thing. I think it will become harder as she gets older and starts grabbing their
things. It's always growing pains. But yeah, I feel like in general it'll be okay.
Dan: Yeah. And I associate jealousy behavior
with something like hitting the baby because they're upset.
Vanessa: Aggressive?
Dan: Mommy's holding the baby. I don't
think they're going to be like that. Vanessa:
In general, what I've found is that having a newborn is okay. Having a three-year-old
is the problem. So I expect that the very age appropriate three-year-old tantrums that our
three-year-old is experiencing now will also happen later. And it will just be harder for us
because we also will have a small baby to care for. So I don't really expect it will be that
much more, but it will just continue and we'll have more responsibilities, which will make it
trickier for us. So yeah, that's the idea. We'll see. All right, Anna, [inaudible 00:17:27], and
Olindo had a similar type of question. Will you have some help with the kids after she's
born? Olinda specifically asked about the role of grandparents because he's a grandfather.
So he helps to take care of his grandkids, takes them to sports games. And this is specifically
about after birth, but they asked, "Is it normal to have help with your kids, either paid help or
grandparent help after the baby's born?" So yeah, what will we do? Do we know?
Dan: I believe my mom will be here for a while.
Vanessa: We'll see how long a while is.
Dan: I don't think this is set in stone yet.
Vanessa: It's not.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: So because we're going to be,
because we have other children, even if we weren't giving birth at home, even
if it were at a hospital or birth center, you still need someone to take care of your kids
while you're gone. So Dan's mom's going to come during the birth and probably the next day. With
Theo and Freddy, with Theo, our oldest child, she stayed for two weeks and then with Freddy, she
stayed less time. But in the end, I'm not exactly sure what will happen this time. But we do have
several babysitters who help in our daily lives now so that I can film these videos and do my job-
Dan: And be sane.
Vanessa: And be sane. Everyone needs help in their life.
So they will also be coming to be with our oldest children and we'll be with the baby. So it's
perfect timing because she'll be born at the beginning of June. We didn't mention she's
going to be born at the beginning of June. Dan:
Oh yeah. Vanessa:
We don't know when, but sometimes the beginning of June.
Dan: Maybe May.
Vanessa: And Dan works at a school, so school will be
out, which is perfect because we will both be home all summer. So for me, I feel like we can
care for me and the baby. And then if someone helps to care for Theo and Freddy, that would be
great. Obviously we'll still spend time with them, but I think I am less worried about someone
caring for the baby. And if you can take care of me and I take care of her and someone
else takes care of them, we'll be good. Right? Dan:
Right. Vanessa:
We're basically asking all of our friends and family to... We don't
really need baby stuff, so we're asking them, "If you want to give us something, please give
us food. Please make a meal and we can put it in our freezer." I think that's the perfect gift.
So I think we will be taken care of. I hope. Along with the idea of help and getting help,
Sharon and Valentina had an interesting question that shows how not American this is. Is it
expensive to have a baby in the US and will you receive a government subsidy for a newborn baby?
That's what I laughed at. So my first thought, and then you can say
something about this. My first thought was if you are already receiving government subsidies,
maybe you are on welfare or you get food stamps or something like that. You will receive some
care, some extra subsidy or something to help you pay for baby food or something like that.
Dan: You have to be under a certain income level.
Vanessa: Yeah, if you're already receiving that, you
might get something also for your baby. But for most people, the government doesn't
care if you have a baby or not. Dan:
Well, you count them on your taxes and you probably pay less taxes.
Vanessa: There's a little bit less taxes because you
have... For each child, but it's not much. Yeah, it's not worth it.
Dan: The certainly don't give you money.
Vanessa: No. And they don't give... I know some countries-
Dan: They don't give you a time
off or anything like that. Vanessa:
Yeah, no time off. They won't give you a package. I know some countries give a
baby package to every new family and you get... It's kind of famous, I think in Norway where they
give you a baby box and the baby box is big enough to be a crib for a newborn and they have towels
and swaddles and bottles and tons of stuff for a baby. And I don't know, that would be amazing if
someone wants to send us that. But the government does not do that.
Dan: No. Our government's more
interested in making bombs. Vanessa:
That's the truth of the matter. So the first question was, is it
expensive to have a baby in the US? It depends what you think about money.
Dan: Yeah, it depends on... I don't know. We've just
always really worked into our budget, child stuff. I don't think it's incredibly expensive.
Vanessa: So I know a couple different costs. The first
one is Americans pay health insurance monthly. And that's around... I wouldn't say at the
moment, it's specifically a requirement, but almost everybody has some health
insurance. And usually your company, if you work full-time, will pay 50% of the
healthcare or the health insurance monthly costs. So if you work for a company, your health
insurance is much cheaper than someone like us. Dan:
We're not the best people to ask because we're self-employed.
Vanessa: Oh, and you get the short end of the stick.
Let me tell you why. Yeah. You got to pay the full price of health insurance. You have to find
your own health insurance independently. Not fun. Dan:
It's expensive. Yeah. I mean, America is not known for cheap healthcare.
Vanessa: No. Yeah, in general, I would say if you work
for a company, you might pay a hundred dollars a month in health insurance. If you work
for yourself, you might pay between 500 and a thousand dollars per month in health insurance.
So thinking about that, that is part of the cost. When we went to the birth center and for
this home birth midwife that we're paying, the cost is about $6,000. So our health insurance
we pay a lot for per month. We will get reimbursed a big chunk of that, over 50% of that, we will
get reimbursed if you have a hospital birth... I know some friends have had a hospital birth, they
had a C-section and they did not have insurance, and it cost $10,000, which is a lot of money.
Dan: It's less than I would've expected.
Vanessa: But that's what I thought. Yeah, I
thought it would be like a hundred thousand dollars.
Dan: Well...
Vanessa: And usually the hospital gives you some kind
of payment plan, so you could pay a hundred dollars every month for the rest of your life
or something like that. So that's the cost that I know. I know some people who have... I don't
know how expensive their insurance is monthly, but their whole birth was like $25. But maybe
they're paying $500 a month in insurance. Dan:
Or more. Vanessa:
They're more or more, so it's hard to say exactly. It's a very complicated question.
But if you plan on having a baby in the US, save some money. Save some money, and yeah,
just check with your insurance company. I know some insurance companies like ours,
you can't start a new insurance company if you're already pregnant.
Okay. Are we ready to move on to our next question?
Dan: I think we should.
Vanessa: Okay. The next question is also a
new category. We just talked about pregnancy, then we talked about birth and
around the birth time. Next is our life with three children. So we have a lot of people who
asked the same question. Maggie, Amery, Melody, and Lizzie all asked, dun, dun, duh. "Do you want
to have another baby after Matilda?" First of all, never ask a seven month, eight month pregnant
woman. If she wants another baby, that's okay. I'm just saying that as a joke. But yeah.
Dan: Don't ask her to her face.
Vanessa: Oh, let's answer together on three. Are you ready?
Dan: Okay.
Vanessa: Three, two, one. No.
Dan: No.
Vanessa: So this is it. I think I will do everything in my
power and so will Dan to make sure that this is it. Our family is done.
Dan: Yeah, three feels perfect to me. I mean,
obviously I grew up with two siblings, so it makes sense. And I know it was already quite a
push for you to go with three. So four is a bit... Vanessa:
If we- Dan:
As close to out of the question as possible.
Vanessa: So the underlying feature here is if I said in
the future that, "Oh, guess what, we're having a fourth baby." You'll know it was not planned.
Dan: That one is next.
Vanessa: Yes. So I think three is good.
My baby, my belly and my body is suffering a lot. So we'll stop it here.
Dan: She can finally recuperate after this.
Vanessa: Yes, it would be great to say, "Okay, now my body
is mine, kind of. I still have at least another year of taking care of a baby with my body. But
the idea that I can go to the gym, I can work out, I can try to repair my body, all of these things,
and that's it. I'm not going to get pregnant again and then have to go through all that again. All
right, the next one is also a big question and a lot of people asked it, Ella Eleanora, Jeff, Anna
and Claudia all asked, "How in the world will you arrange your day between your professional duties,
housekeeping, and your three beautiful children?" I don't know.
Dan: Lots of... Well, babysitters are pretty key. We
could have a nanny, honestly, but we have good babysitters already.
Vanessa: As far as childcare, our oldest will be going
to first grade. He's in kindergarten this year. He'll be going to first grade. Our second,
he's three, he will be going to preschool and that's nine o'clock to
one o'clock, four days a week. And the baby will be with me and Dan
will be working at our oldest's school. Dan:
Our oldest son's school. Vanessa:
So he has the same hours, the same vacations. Dan:
I take him to school, all that. Vanessa:
You help to commute him to school. So that's a good puzzle
piece in our life. As far as childcare, I think the hard time comes when children are
sick. You just have mad chaos no matter what. But so that's for childcare, I feel like when-
Dan: That's also the time you work.
Vanessa: Yeah. When Matilda is young, really young,
she'll nap a lot. And I plan to just lower my standards. I'll still film YouTube
videos. I'll still be active in my business, but I'm not going to be making a ton of new
courses and lots of new stuff over the next year. Dan:
She always does that. Vanessa:
I always do, that's true. But I do have a lot of help in my business,
in Speak English with Vanessa. There's about 10 or so people who participate in helping make this
business run. Help to edit videos, help to answer- Dan:
She's got a real team now. Vanessa:
Student questions. All of this, whether you know it or not, there's a lot of work that
goes into making this run. So it's not just me. And I think that due to other people helping, it
will continue. Right now, I am working very hard to prepare for the next six months. So I would
love to... I'm filming a lot of YouTube videos, like four months worth of YouTube videos.
I have a lot of things prepared in advance, and a lot of the people who are working for the
business are also preparing for a maternity leave. I'm still going to be doing something,
but it's not going to be as busy. And it's a good thing when you get pregnant, you have
nine months to prepare. So I'm using this time to prepare for the business. And I'm sure at some
point Matilda will be taking less naps, she'll be sleeping less, and I'll need to have someone
come a couple mornings a week to watch her so that I can do my business, which is what we do now. But
I think at the beginning we'll just take it slow, see how it goes.
Dan: We'll have some time, especially early on,
to just be with our family. Build a new relationship with this child, and then
after that we'll have help via babysitters. Vanessa:
Yeah. One of the parts of this is as I said professional duties,
three beautiful children and housekeeping. Dan:
Oh. Vanessa:
Yeah. That's why we have Dan. Dan:
Who does that. Yeah, right now I'm the housekeeper.
Vanessa: Yeah. So at the moment, Dan
does everything for the house, and that's a halfway through pregnancy into
the future. Who knows? Maybe Dan will always do all the household chores, probably not. But
I think that's really useful to try to help each other out when you can. Especially when having
a third child having a business. Both of us are working part-time, but also full-time, and there's
a lot going on in our lives. You just need to be there for each other really. Which-
Dan: At least we have the robot.
Vanessa: Oh yeah. And we have-
Dan: Robo vac, I mean.
Vanessa: 10 robots who also live in our house and do
everything. Just kidding. Talking about us though. We have one bonus question, but before we get to
the bonus question. Edita has a question about us. She said, how can you keep up your relationship
with each other when you have three children? Dan:
We don't know yet. Vanessa:
No. How do you do it when you have one child or two children?
Dan: Well, anytime you have a toddler in the house,
it gets pretty difficult, let's put it that way. Vanessa:
Yeah. I feel like- Dan:
Because by the end of the day, you're like, "I'm done."
Vanessa: I'm so tired.
Dan: We don't have time to work out our problems.
It's like, "Can I just pass out now?" Vanessa:
Yeah. I think anyone who has kids period realizes that there's a big extra effort that you
have to put into your relationship to just find the energy for each other. And I think we try to
do that. We don't always succeed, but yeah. Trying to find some time for each other is good.
Dan: A big thing for us is that we have a
couple's therapist that we see every week or every other week or so. And so that
really helps us check in with each other. And having a middle man there really helps being
like, "Hey, how do I really feel right now?" Vanessa:
So highly recommend talking with a couple's therapist for anyone who is in a
relationship. You don't have to be on the brink of divorce to go see a therapist.
Dan: You don't have to wait till then.
Vanessa: No. Do not wait till then. I know when we
started meeting with him, we were like, "Yeah, our relationship has normal problems, but it's not
disastrous." And it's been so helpful for us. You don't have to be-
Dan: It's very eye-opening.
Vanessa: At the very end of your relationship to do
that. So I think that's been... It's helped us to understand each other better. And also
all of these big life changes. It's like a teacher. You have a teacher guiding you through
that, because I don't know, we don't really live in a culture where you have great-grandparents
and grandparents and parents all living together helping with your life a lot and teaching you
about how to do different things. So having a professional give you some insight and ask
the hard questions. Yeah, that's been really helpful for us.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: So yeah, highly recommend.
Dan: We also occasionally go on a date.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think whenever we get a chance
to go out to lunch or drop the children off at Dan's parent's house for a couple
days. We're going to do that next week. Dan:
Yes. Vanessa:
And it feels so refreshing. And I think just try to take those
chances when you can. Don't feel guilty about enjoying spending time away from your children.
First of all, your children need other people in their lives, not just you. They need grandparents.
They need babysitters. They need a community, not just their parents. So it's good for us, but it's
also good for them, I think, too. All right. We have one final question. It is a bonus question.
Dan: Ooh bonus.
Vanessa: Are you ready? Yes. All right. Well, we've
talked a lot about our experiences and our lives. But Ava has a great question. Ava says,
"Do you have any recommendations for someone who's pregnant for the first time?" Well,
we are not the world's foremost experts, but we've gone through this a couple times.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: What would you say?
Dan: I think you're an expert.
Vanessa: At this point. If you've gone through
pregnancy one time, all of a sudden you have so much more experience. And
then two times, and then three times. Dan:
Well, does she mean actually the pregnancy part or?
Vanessa: Yeah, I would say-
Dan: Because, you're a better person to answer-
Vanessa: Pregnancy. The mindset, your relationship, all of
that stuff. I think we could take this question in many directions.
Dan: Yeah. Well, I hope that you have time to spend
with your partner for one. I hope the partner is there. That's pretty key. Having somebody
who's really your support person is extremely important. So even if the partner's not in the
picture, then you're going to need somebody. Vanessa:
Yeah. Dan:
Who's super committed to being with you during that time.
Vanessa: I think that's a good starting place is having...
Well, if you're already pregnant is too late. But choosing-
Dan: Let's turn the chapter back a little bit.
Find the right person to get pregnant with. Vanessa:
Choosing someone who you like and having kids with them. I know when one
of my friends was thinking about having a baby, she's like, "I just don't know when the right
time is." And I was like, "Yeah, maybe there's some times that are better than other times. But
the biggest question is. Is he the right person?" Dan:
Yeah. Vanessa:
Because it's never going to be a perfect time to get pregnant, but if
you're with the person that you want to be with, in the end, it will work out. Yes.
Sometimes we'll be harder than others, but I think the first question is who?
And I would say the second thing is a lot of people, a lot of women who are pregnant
for the first time, it's very normal. I was like this too. Do a lot of research and feel a lot more
anxious about their first child, especially for us, compared to number two and number three.
It's not that they are neglected, it's just you're more realistic about
what your life is going to be like. So I would say talk to other people who have two
or three children or more when you're pregnant with your first child. Because I think it helps to
give some perspective when you're worried about, well, is this type of dish or washing detergent? I
know new mothers sometimes think I need to wash my baby's clothes and this specific type of soap
or this, those little things that can really stress you out. Talking to someone who's had
more children just chit-chatting with them. Or even if I know there's some great YouTube channels
of parents who have 11 children, don't look at the crazy ones. Look at people who seem pretty
normal, still. And it can be really grounding to see their advice where we are thinking about,
"Oh, okay, we have two boys and then a baby girl." Are they all going to sleep in the same room? What
are they going to do? We have three kids. So we have a lot of experience. But when you hear about
someone who has six or seven children and you see their life living situations, it helps give
you more perspective. So you feel not anxious about everything. There's some things that are
worth spending a lot of time on, but in general, I think that can help give you good perspective.
A little tip that I am just learning now. Dan:
Oh, is a little late. Vanessa:
A little late, but it's not too late yet. There's a very interesting book called The Fourth
Trimester. And a lot of talk when you have a baby is how to take care of the baby. What do you do
with the baby? But a lot of the focus goes off of you when you're pregnant. It's like, "Oh,
your belly. Oh, the mom, mom, mom." But then when you have the baby, a lot of the focus is on
the baby. So this book focuses on how to take care of yourself. And I guess the spoiler is that you
don't take care of yourself. You have other people helping to take care of you, and you set up your-
Dan: You need your pamper people.
Vanessa: Yes. You set up your life so that the first
couple months after birth, you are taken care of because it can be a really big shock. It is going
to be a big shock starting your life as a mother. And so I think this book would be extremely
helpful to a third time mother or a first time mother. To help you be able to be your
best self so that you can come out of the first three months of having a baby and
you feel stronger. You feel more capable, and you feel like ready for starting that new part
of your life. Or I feel like that book would've been very helpful to me. Maybe you live in a
culture that really takes care of new mothers. We don't. So I think the ideas in this book were
really helpful to me. So anyway, that's my advice. Dan:
I think I have another tip. Vanessa:
Oh, okay. Dan:
First time mother. Yeah. You should go to a birth class.
Vanessa: Definitely.
Dan: Yeah. Because we went to a class together that- Vanessa:
Go together. Yes. Dan:
Make sure you bring your partner, your support person.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dan: And yeah, they just went over all the different
things you can do to not basically freak out and help the person through it. What all the different
signs are during the labor so you're not totally surprised. And I probably need a refresher last
time with Freddy, our second child, I just read the paper over and I was like, "Oh yeah, those are
the good tips." And so I was more prepared with- Vanessa:
And he just came so fast that there's no time to think.
Dan: Yeah. But with your first, it will probably take
a lot longer. So it's good to be very prepared, especially the husbands out there, or partners of
various shapes and sizes and forms. Take a birth class with your wife or partner.
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: And yeah, you need to be prepared too.
Vanessa: I think that sets you up for the birth, but it
sets you up for being parents together. Because a lot of moms will have a pregnancy app on their
phone. I remember the first day of that pregnancy or the birth class. The teacher asked us, "So
who has a pregnancy app on your phone? All of the women raise their hands." And they said,
"Okay guys, which one of you have a pregnancy app on your phone?" And none of the men raise their
hands? So if you're the one who's not pregnant, doing a birth class together, or just even having
a day where you go over some birth articles or watch a couple birth videos together, those types
of things. It sets you up to be partners with your baby. It's not just the mom's duty. There's a lot
that is on the mom that the mom has to do and the other person can't do. But in general, that
mindset that you're in this together is really important. So yeah, that was a good tip.
Dan: Thank you.
Vanessa: Thank you everyone. Well, thank you so
much for asking your pressing questions about our third baby. If you enjoyed this
conversation, we did have a conversation about polite and rude questions that you
can ask someone who's pregnant when I was pregnant with my first child six years ago.
And you can watch that video up here. And that will just expand your cultural
knowledge, but also vocabulary about talking about babies in pregnancy in English.
Well, thank you so much, Dan, for joining me. Dan:
You're welcome. Vanessa:
I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed our spontaneous conversation. A lot came up a lot
of great vocabulary and ideas, and I hope that you could expand your English knowledge, like always.
You are welcome to download the free PDF worksheet that goes along with this conversation. All of the
vocabulary, ideas, sample sentences, anything that came up, you can download in that free worksheet.
It is our gift to you to help you be able to empower yourself with English and birth.
Dan: Yes.
Vanessa: Well, thanks so much for
learning English with me and Dan. Dan:
And me. Vanessa:
And we'll see you again next Friday for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel. Bye.
Dan: Bye.
Vanessa: But wait, do you want more? I recommend
watching this video next. Which is the one I just mentioned, where you will learn the
top polite and rude questions that you should never ask someone who's pregnant. Make sure
that you are polite and you are kind to the people around you. Watch that video to find
out what they are and I'll see you there.
