A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV - Melee DPS

everyone always says you should be a team player but honestly i've always felt like the best way to help the team is by crushing whatever obstacle that's in the way with my heavily toned squat receipts so that's it no more playing for anybody else i play for me baby any reason the raid wipes from now on is no longer my fault i only exist to make big numbers fly towards the screen and watch my skill bar light up like a christmas tree at a rave party and you bet your precious platoon the progress preventers will be promptly pounded because this potent projector of pain will be peppering those pieces until your pack is paved with enough resulting pellets that every peddler will pray to be pampered by a more palatable pacifist welcome to a crap guide to final fantasy [Music] being a dps is like being the king of capitalism because the way you play taking care of others is for [ __ ] pay no attention to anybody else's well-being unless it directly affects you and so long as you're alive and safe you can act like anything bad that happens around you is probably not your fault all that brain power instead will be put towards what really matters you're complicated as [ __ ] damage rotation that's right step aside tanks one two three and healers two damage buttons these are where the big guys and gals play or at least that's what they like to tell themselves since one of the only party utilities they have to worry about is pressing the faint button once in a blue moon their hot bar will more often have dozens of buttons all dedicated to big damage the melee dps is the most important person in the party as you are the one on the front lines inspecting the bad guy's anus like it's where all the hrothgar hats are hiding while avoiding the enemy's sprays of hot poisonous gamers think not only are you going to be up in their grill turning their cheeks into a ripe tomato while flip-flopping in and out of danger like you're a politician making pancakes you're also going to make like an adult film star and learn positionals certain attacks in your damage rotation will require you to land them in specific areas around the enemy target specifically the rear and the flank in order to deal additional damage how do you tell where those positions are by the massive disembodied titty underneath the target see this nipple that's the front where the tank will be sucking on the sweet milkies that are tank busters which obviously means this conspicuous ticulus on the opposite end is the rear what about the flank that'll be on either side of the enemy and if you're ever confused as to where each area begins and ends a useful tip on how to tell is imagine there's a big x dividing each of the quadrants or you could just press true north and pretend positionals don't exist like it's an embarrassing memory of that time you did the gangnam style at school unironically the only time it isn't the case is when the enemy has a full ring without an opening in which case you won't have to worry about any of that guff and you can just sit there like an off tank who's actually having fun otherwise between hopping back and forth in these two spots and running around catching up to the boss whenever the tank feels like doing cardio your little wall's legs are gonna get so much working out that they'll be thick as the milk from the teats of a whale made of molasses which is to say expect to move a lot oh what if i'm not in the right place for a position or the boss is far away just remember the old adage always casting even if you're not able to land your positionals or if the boss is too far away to make a melee attack be sure to always be pressing your buttons no matter what unless you're a monk who has no ranged attack and you have to sit there thinking about how your job will inevitably be reworked yet again in the next patch however there is another secret epic gamer option that allows you to maximize the dps you output at the risk of yourself as well as potentially everybody else but it's usually the healers this technique is called greed the funny thing about aoe markers in final fantasy 14 is that they only ever mark you for damage if you are standing in them the moment they go away this means that if you're fast on your fingers you can stand there dpsing the bad guy while soaking in their radioactive orange juice until the very last second where you backflip out just as the dropkick of doom skims your fuzzy anime hairs and you don't lose a second of up time as i said however this is a high risk if your timing is off and you spend just a millisecond too long you'll be covered in cheese puffs you might even die or in some cases you'll have to suffer a fate worse than having to read the entire 24 hour chat log of limsa damn it's down sh it's okay nobody's gonna take away your big damage numbers papa's here to make sure you don't greed too hard if you're not ready okay okay as the melee dps you also have first dibs on limit break against most bosses since yours deals the most damage specifically when they're single this is because when you hit the limit break button you're not actually attacking them just showing them pictures of a happy healthy relationship and nothing hurts more than emotional damage just ask orianje but what are the individual jobs whom of which may layeth said up close slappers to thine adversaries there are five and each one is a different flavor of anime and edge monk for those of you who want to go fast having one of the shortest global cooldowns in the game means you'll be dealing out punches like you're a pissed off caterer at a middle school sock hop instead of the traditional combos each attack puts you in a specific stance bird cat and monkey each one combos into another attack that benefits from each respective stance your rotation will be all about swapping stances around more than a kid trying sick moves to impress their crush at a middle school stockholm you also have perfect balance which allows you to go freestyle and pick whichever stance you're feeling more at the moment without having to do any of the normal stance setup if you repeat the same stance three times during your freestyle you get a purple token on your stylish moves punch card and if you do three different stances during the freestyle you get a white one do a freestyle with three unique moves one more time while you have both a purple and white tokens on your punch card and you get to turn it in to make your crush dripping wet with damage because for some reason you get to kick them in the face the only problem is you are the only melee without a ranged attack to keep your up time and although you do have a dash that lets you zip around like goku on a triple shot restredo down blend machiato if ever you find yourself without a target to punch during combat you can call timeout on your buff so they stop moving while you have a little cry because your crush rejected you at the middle school sock hop dragoon is probably the most straightforward of the melee classes than the one most likely to have a tragic backstory you've got a five button combo that swaps between hard slaps and sakura flowers and a handful of buffs that will turn anybody else in the party into your partner and dragon slaying what kind of dragon slaying that's up for you to decide which you'll have plenty of time to do while you're suspended 20 moms in the air dropping in like a scantily clad human airstrike who's got a date with nidhogg at five in a party at the quicksand at six yes the matanga in the room dragoon has several damage stealing jumps necessary to unlocking special attacks in their rotation that will lock you into an animation which means you're stuck and unable to move out of your location while the boss is just about ready to piss all over the floor right before you land so be wary when using your jumps lest you fling yourself right into a danger puddle and perpetuate the tired singular joke the 14 community has for the class on the bright side though you do get the objectively best job mentor in the form of ninja is great for people who enjoy american football because for every 10 seconds of excitement there's a minute of [ __ ] all your rotation is all about fitting every goddamn cooldown you can into a small window of time where you make the enemy take more damage and on top of that you also have the ability to live out every weeb's dream and do a bunch of hand gestures to cast magic attacks and also drop down into a low position and run with your arms slopping behind you in the breeze which final fantasy objectively proves makes you go faster you got three hand symbols and depending on what order you do you will make a different kind of anime reference for example going qi ten jin ten chin chichi jin unlocks the secret dark ending of kori in the house and causes the enemy to be susceptible to bonus damage but maybe you're facing a mob of enemies who are immune to a rank powered life form so you'll instead have to go ten jinjin chi chi jin tenchi jintenci for three seasons of sonic underground which will kick sand into their eyes with how fast you'll be running circles around the slow pokes more or less you'll have to do some studying up on what combos do what but here's a secret cheat sheet only the final mudra in the sequence matters [ __ ] it's the skill floor please cheesy samurai the job most likely to have a dick measuring context with a black mage i'd be careful though their dad works at square enix this weeb is the most selfish of the melees as it provides no utility for the rest of the party and instead acts like the average soccer player focusing on being the star of the show who gets all the attention especially when it drops to the floor clutching its knee when somebody sneezes on them your attacks contribute to a kink bar which allows you to shame the enemy in a variety of ways as your katana is also a substitute for a horny bag so you remember how the monk has a punch card well so do you except yours is your sword and the punches are stickers you have three basic combos each one giving you a slight buff and slapping a sticker onto your katana and depending on how many stickers you have you will get one of three different rewards when you turn in your sticker sheet with one sticker you'll apply a dot that'll last longer than it takes to clean your room don't lie to me i know a majority of my audience has depression two stickers will charge up an aoe around you and three stickers will make [Music] [Music] [Music] each sticker attack also gives you an additional separate sticker and once you have three of those you get to do an additional and finally the reaper the transfer student from garland who got the rest to maul that the fact that they think they're better than the rest of the melees which i mean they are but don't let any reaper hear you say that it'll go to their heads being the tallest of melees means that your job gauge is the dark souls hud similar to the samurai you build up a bar that can be spent on big slaps and those big slaps give you edgy boy points that can be spent on additional big slaps except this time their coral blue number 57 gloss lipstick once you've kissed enough boys to build up your fashion bar you get to turn into a spooky ghost you do the slice you do the spooky slice the spooky slice now your swings have some spice you do the slice it's just your soul that's the price you do the slice you do the spooky slice and now you know how to play melee you're welcome for the northern snow front of ilsa the land was cold the people scarred [Music] you do the slice it's just your soul that's the price you do the slice you do the spooky slice

Channel: JoCat

Views: 1,112,871

Keywords: jocat, hijek, crap guide

Id: EcQzgMvwbT4

Length: 9min 15sec (555 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 24 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/shockwave1211]

THIIS IS SLANDER! monks ranged attack is to punch SUPER HARD before running away and then spamming chakra like its DragonBall XD

[u/SurprisedCabbage]

My favorite part of jocat videos is that it feels like a joke but you somehow still learn stuff.

[u/evildrtran]

The Spooky Slice Lyrics

By Jocat

"From the northern snow fronts of Ilsabard,

The land is cold, and the people scarred.

They sought the void with a daring act,

Empowered themselves with a devious pact.

You do the Slice,

The Spoooky Slice!

You do the Slice!

Now your swings have some spice!

You do the Slice!

You do the Spooky Slice!

You do the Slice,

It's just your soul thats the price!"

[u/MightyGyrum]

Well, we can see where those two weeks went to in the Samurai part.

[u/randomdud3]

The Midare Setsugekka joke fucking slayed me given how fast-paced JoCat's videos usually are.

[u/MiKapo]

Im renaming void reaping to Spooky Slice

[u/JonTheWizard]

Dragoon to Reaper: Ever notice that all our friends are weebs?

[u/katosu]

Shitting on monk gives me life.

[u/ReXiriam]

As a Dragoon main... Yeah. That's fair.

We do get Estinien dibs tho, so suck it everyone else!