8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown S21E04 - 4 February 2021

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tonight on eight out of ten cats does countdown   shaw unlock john richardson  sarah pascoe richard ioadi rachel riley and your host jim hello and welcome to edit of 10 cats does down  a show all about letters numbers and conundrums   okay let's meet tonight's players first  up it's team captain john richardson john if you're here who's back at   your house desperately trying to  persuade your wife not to leave and john steve made this evening sarah pascoe sarah is a vegan so she's always  making people who visit her vegetables   bit like shawn but he does it with a hammer i get away with it up against him this  evening it's team captain sean lock sean locke he's taking a  countdown like a duck to snooker   i'm joining sean tonight it's richard iwadi richard iwadi if he was any stiffer we'd  have to pixelate him can i ask you sean   do you have any celebrity beefs nose uh paloma  faith what's your issue with paloma all i said all i said was she had a [ __ ] hat and she's a pound shop bjork oh kaboom yoko oh no come on woman you're talented we  want another album get out there and do it um nick knowles no money what did you nick makes  his own viagra in a lock-up and uh right it's good it's but it's too good it's like rigor mortis i said you haven't tested this on anyone  have you i'm not paying for this until it's   been rigorously tested so we've fallen out  um tom hanks because he keeps i bought an   audio book you know he does his audio books  he's got his audio book of him he keeps gulping and stephen hawking the same problem but not  goldping was i've got his audio books he did   brief history time yeah and cheeky bugger because  he knows nobody finishes it halfway through it   just starts humming okay uh john is there any  john richardson merchandise available you know   for your fans um very little official there's  stuff knocking about on the dark web there's a   few sort of crotchless onesie cardigans that i've  got my face on but they're nothing to do with me   to make that very clear um i have uh things i'm  launching that are mine um the ricoh sphere we're   working on at the moment which is like it creates  a sort of john richardson atmosphere in any room   it's a bit like a dehumidifier but for fun um so  we're working on those and the one thing we're   very excited about is my scented candle which  is we're a bit late because gwyneth got hers out   first the old vagina came so i've got one that  smells of my testicles but um sadly the day we   did the lab day i just had a bath so that it's  just a lavender candle just a few pubes on it   just a sense of authenticity it'd be a nice  thing for visitors like smell that what do   you think that is yeah left testicle they  they come in the back of two left and right um sarah what's the most important life lesson  you've ever learned oh this is quite recently   never give your address out to lily allen i got a  phone call saying um lily allen would like to make   you feel more sexually empowered can she have your  address of course a couple of hours later doorbell   goes and there's a man there and he's really  really blushing because he's holding a bag that   says i masturbate down in really large letters and  he can't park anywhere in my house so it's had to   walk like a really long way and i didn't think  i just put it down in the hall the bag and but   my dog found it ripped it all apart took it out  in the garden i didn't realize that i looked out   the window and the dog is playing on the lawn with  a dildo i didn't feel very sexually empowered at   all and eventually threw the bag away and with the  obviously ruined dildo but then what happened was   when the recycling men came they were very sloppy  and the bag fell out and it was going up and down   the road in the wind why didn't i didn't see  it it had my address on it so someone came and   put it on my doorknob and so i came home and  just said i masturbate outside the front door   and now i can't masturbate anymore  without thinking about lily allen   she's got our own brand sex toys the womanizer  which i believe is named after john richardson   isn't it i mean how much can you polish up a sex  toy i mean how much can you improve it well no   it's a different it's a it's a it's a suction yeah  i feel 38 years in i just got to grips with sex   but isn't that what you do to a man you  suck no you blow on the man you blow no nights to be blown but no i just think  that's obviously that's a very cynical   celebrity ploy isn't it that thing where they go  i'm helping women liberate themselves i see no i'm   shifting some [ __ ] gear mate well i think it's  basically what she's doing i'm liberating women   no you're not you're making a few quid love  i'll be honest with you sean i don't think   you'd get away with it i challenge lily adam  now chrissy who is the master sex toy designer   what would your what would your brand  name be would it be just be lock and load thank you thank you very  much no more than 20 percent   no more uh richard apparently you're in the  new star wars series the mandalorian so what   do you play like a jedi or a cool sort  of han solo figure well um i play a droid   they didn't actually have to put any treatment  on my voice i already sound like a robot   so it was a very easy experience in and  out and i didn't have to visit the set um   or speak to anyone or be near it can i ask you  a question i would love an honest answer here   yes have you seen the mandalorian that you're  in no i if i was in it i'd definitely watch it   right you're in it what more do you need the  disney to do to get you to watch a star wars thing   me being in it is like a kryptonite for me  yeah i i do not i have to live with this   why would i want it reflected back at me okay  uh richard have you got a mascot this evening   i'm i'm wearing it what have you done it's my  lucky cast well hang on it's got a calculator on   it that's what brings me the luck well you can't  have a calculator on countdown that's not in the   rules that is not good luck okay i'll um i've all  i've always got a backup regular non-calculator   cast you've actually broken your arm yes how did  you brought your arm i was fighting for justice could you be slightly more specific  world justice less specific isn't it   national justice sean have you got a mascot yes  of course during the lockdown had to look for new   revenue streams because obviously the comedy  business has dried up right so i thought i'd   go back to what i was good at before what  what were you doing before i'm modeling i was a quite successful male model to let you  know how just how famous and successful i was   i had one name i was just called by it  what was the name what were you known by   i didn't think that up um richard and i had a really good career and it was  going really well until i had the accident   and i had to give up modelling what was the  accident well i was doing a tour of the canister   factory like you do a tour of a brewery  and uh how are you pronouncing canister candy you know the country in the middle east   i fell in i fell in the vat and uh it's not  really clear what happened but nobody wanted   to offer me any work after that just sort of  dried up so i thought i'd better go back to   modelling but i can't obviously do the facial  stuff anymore so i had to do sort of a bit more   resourceful do by the bits of my body this  is my one i do for um toenail infections and that's your foot is it that's my  foot oh uh so i'll tell you what one   of the ironies is they asked me to  be the uh not the face afghanistan i was asked to be the crotch of afghanistan   like full circle i would not describe that as a  full circle but yeah that's it's a semi circle and with that money i bought hot  tub which actually made it worse of course i do get i do a lot  of plaque work and gum disease   so let's have a look oh when someone says  to you a month don't brush your teeth you go   i saw the numbers this one is for  um just horrible tongue oh god what even is that the stuff i had to lick   the things that i had to lick to get my  tongue like that you would not believe um you know when people run marathons yeah they  get joggers nipple all right who do they use   could you hold that just a little bit lower for me  over a bit no the other way yeah oh that's perfect   oh that's the money shot there that's  an album covered by the liver teams   she'll knock everyone sarah did you bring a  mascot this evening i did what have you got well   i thought a lot about how i wanted to be better  at the games and i thought about the cleverest   person that i know and that is my dog mouse um so  i've got a picture of him this is what he looks   like if you want to see what he looks like in like  three dimensions this is like a little statue so   you've had you've had a statue and a portrait done  of your dog yeah you know you can just stuff them um so i thought about channeling my dog's  cleverness and it works on two levels because   actually when you say a dog's a clever boy good  boy usually they've just sniffed something or   eaten something and everyone's so horribly  so clever so i thought i'd dress up as my dog   even if i get naught points you'd be  like well that dog's playing countdown   clever girl what a good let's just see  oh i found some more pictures of him   actually this is a real life photograph um  he had the same uh modelling agent as sean   look at him isn't that the most handsome dog  you've ever seen well i'm going to become him   these are my paws i mean i i love my dogs but  this feels like a problem i love him so much   jimmy so look now when i'm doing countdown  like it's just my dog doing his laughs and then what a clever dog okay well that'll bring you good luck  i feel sure um john have you got mascot   well i mean hands up jimmy i didn't i didn't have  one so anyway i got here a bit early and i nipped   to you know the second hand shop next to the  studio it's opposite the ancient burial ground   you know that one and they only had  one thing left would you believe it   and it was this so i just managed to pick this  up and it feels like i was just meant to find it   and i thought we could be like a  double act i call him richard johnson   i don't like his size it's your [ __ ]  problem with my eyes oh it's genuinely crazy i think you should be messing with this kind of  voodoo stuff there's nothing there's nothing i   don't understand people keep saying i keep  showing people it i showed my daughter it   this morning she went [ __ ] bananas you didn't  wake her up with it did you what's it morning he loves a one-liner so he's going to do some  gags he loves a blue joke hey oh what's dear to   joke yeah yeah i'd love to hear a joke hey you  know they discovered diarrhea it's hereditary   not another ah it runs in your jeans jeans do  do one for susie that's about words like this   a [ __ ] i shoot myself on a count site the other  day and as i was running to the toilet is it not   running to the toilet no no it's on the couch  site so you're always going past tense oh good good okay well i'll sit here i'll help you with  letters as well okay uh john richardson everyone over in dictory corner it's nickel we put nick  helm in dictionary corner which makes about as   much sense as booking an orangutan  to perform your laser eye surgery nick what have you been up to since we last saw  you hello jimmy hello nick um what have i been   up to um mainly um i've been like uh moving on  i've got a girlfriend i've got a girlfriend now   really yeah yeah where's she from uh she's  from canada uh her name's um her name's alice   uh quebec and she is a hockey player who uh  works in a maple syrup factory for the weekend and she's gorgeous yeah good who's gorgeous  because when you said she's gorgeous you were   looking directly at susie dent there because you  used to like susie didn't you yeah you used to   come on it's been a long year it's been a [ __ ]  old year isn't it jimmy we all got a [ __ ] uh   we've got to move on with our lives don't  we with nick of course is susie dance susie's latest book was printed  with a load of mistakes how could   that happen while i imagine the  proofreader kept falling asleep we all know you tweet a word of the day  what's today's word susie this one was   just random because you know i like to read  the dictionary and um and i came up with this   great word which is coniferous yeah i like it  already yeah and you will like this one because   it means bearing locks of new hair it's not  new it's just been it's just been redistributed   but that's how you can describe yourself  from now on what what is it again   carmiferous it's got [ __ ]  in it so you like it c-o-m-e only charge of the numbers is rachel riley last year rachel gave birth to a baby girl she   was in labor for three hours but then  left because of all the anti-semitism rachel you're a big man united fan are you  hoping the baby's going to be a fan too   definitely i was really proud we finally got  to sit down and watch a game because she's only   little it was man united against tottenham and  united scored first and she was actually clapping   i was really proud and then it got to 4-1 to  tottenham and she clapped every single goal   she just liked slapping she was clapping  trump rallies and all sorts she just what age do you find out if a baby is evil   she might just be really horrible  sarah angling to be godmother okay the prize the teams will be competing for  tonight is this the countdown break dancing kits okay let's count down every one time for the first  game uh john sarah you get the first book of the   letters um i'll start with a constant please a  consonant very good for a dog another consonant   s one vowel a and then one consonant t and  then another consonant r and then one vowel   e uh one more consonant l and one more vowel o  and one more consonant thank you and an n okay for   the first time today here's the countdown clock  get the seafood platter thank you oh [ __ ] off i think it's all right from that camera  but from that shot this looks kind of wrong   i found it in suzie's dressing  room lily allen sent it that's what happened after you  take nick knoll's secret viagra uh john how many letters uh seven uh sarah  how many seven richard how many seven sean   six um sean what's your six strobe strobe  okay uh richard you're seven lobster   lobster lobsters an excellent word john  you're seven blaster okay and sarah was   yours mine's an anagram of lobster bolster  seven boys to both teams magnificent work you've got seven there which is good that's the  end of it for a dog that is really remarkable   that's it you might be feeling proud of  yourself seven then you remember oh a   two-year-old dog got the same score as you for  a man who's only hired for his lack of humanity   it is impressive the british are making me  really sad i know that's what's lovely about   a dog being there because  they do respond to emotions okay uh nick susie could they have done it  better they could have got an eight couldn't they   they could have got storable ah oh yes i know and  baronets also okay on to our first numbers round   sean richard you get to pick the numbers usual  please two biggies and four little ones nine   five seven and three and the big one 75 and  25 and the target 741 uh your time starts now the target was 741 richard did you get it  um i maybe yes maybe yes okay sarah did you   get it yeah john did you get it uh yeah where  you got it uh sure did you get it your thing sure thing partner i was worried that we  didn't have like an old western sort of   feel to the show but stagecoach came  through just about an hour ago there   how did you do it in that voice please well what i  did was i took about seven seven number three and   then i times that put to 75 and then i took off  the net i took office took off to nine nice skills   so did you do it the same way the same  way okay so uh both teams have 17 points and here is your teaser the  words are nuts hero the clue is   i'm heading down that's nuts hero i'm  heading down see you after the break welcome back the answer to the teaser  the words were nuts hero the clue was   i'm heading down it was of course  southern okay so both teams have 17 points   onto another letters game sean richard your  turn to choose four vowels and five consonants u   i e o w g p and then s and t your time starts now  hey rabbit have a count okay have a few oh you're   a hungry boy you're a hungry boy your greedy boy  is you are here's your boy come on boy come on you're a hungry little fella aren't you you you greedy fat bastard i think i've overfed it what happened was there  was a mix-up um susie ordered a giant rabbit off   amazon and this turned up i mean  that is a cute rabbit isn't it yeah   well this one we're taking very good care of this  one after this we just filmed for a couple of   seconds with it and and then we're going to give  it a nice bath backstage with carrots and onions and also isn't frightened of the dog which is nice  i reckon this rabbit could take you yeah it might   be oh bye-bye rabbit i love you love you rabbit  ah you know john ronson did that podcast and found   out about people like pay for niche porn i've just  found out mine is a man feeding a character rabbit   something within you i would pay a lot of money  just for a fully dressed man actually in a suit   worked giving a carrot to a rabbit so he was the  nice friend get the rabbit back i think she was   nearly finished richard what have you got five hi  sean what did you get five uh john we got a six   but we don't think he's a word sarah how many yeah  i wasn't playing because i was looking at you and   the rabbit okay sean what's your five swipe okay  richard you're five guests join your six well i   don't i don't know if it's a word or if it's spelt  like this but it feels like it should be a word   spigot bigot yeah susie don't stray with it yeah  yes big it's a word what does spigot mean to you   big it's like the tap on a cask or a a barrel oh  yeah wow very good six points to john for spigot   nick susie could they have done any  better um well yeah they could have   got an eight what was the eight  you're going to kick yourself guys   it was wipeouts okay so uh well at the end of that  sean and richard have 17 john and sarah have 23. right time for another numbers  game john sarah your turn to choose   john i've seen a lot of horror films with  puppets like this are you not worried about   it jumping into your body i think i want to change  bodies with that balding saggy mess get buggery freaking i'm not even touching it mate   we will have one big one please rachel and  five little ones your numbers a three five   one four eight and a big one 75 and the  target 273. okay and your time starts now so john what happened what have we done with it i've  done anything foxy gone never mind did you get it   273 jimmy so did you get it yeah sure did you  get it yeah i got it yeah and richard did you   get it i think so okay richard how did you do  it four times is 32 plus 1 is 33. yep 75 plus 5   times 3. yeah i haven't used any of those 240.  240 and then you add those that'd be brilliant did you get in the same way i've got a different  way 75 times 4 is 300 yep and then um i had a 3   8 times 3 is 24 plus the three is 27 and i  minus that from the 300. what sorry did i   not do it right do you mean eight plus one times  three and then minus that from 300. that's what   you meant wasn't it yeah can anyone else smell  [ __ ] that's a [ __ ] right this is a dog a dog   all right so what was that ten points  for both teams ten points for both teams okay so sean and richard have 27 john  and sarah are in the lead with 33. uh time now to go across to dictionary  corner nick helm what have you got for us   i'm getting to a song now  awesome yeah well you say that   uh i wrote it before uh i got over susie  it's off my forthcoming album 100 then so life is hard now so am i after all the words  between us all the books you made me buy   you've been playing games for years  but now i guess it's just a fact   you thought you broke my heart in two  but it barely even cracked you hit me   like an asteroid you shot me with your darn you  didn't break me baby but there's a dent in my you sent me all those letters the entire alphabet  but i'm partially dyslexic so there's some i   might forget i've been sat beside you all  this time can't work out what's gone wrong   don't understand the words you said  because your words were far too long   on a scale of mass distraction when all is  said and done it's a tiny inconvenience i   yes i'll carry on you trapped me like a  dictionary from half the highest thing   you thought you crushed me baby but it barely  made a ding just a little sense in my heart i made   giving zero [ __ ] look like a marshal there's  a death in my heart yeah my heart has a death a dance in my heart perhaps someday i'll take you  back then we can restart i'm really doing fine   stop asking how i feel i got a new canadian  girlfriend who is definitely really in my heart my heart wow yes please nick helm everyone that was fantastic incredible pipes what did you in the  song what do you drop the dictionary from   i think you don't get enough thing in  modern music i had to run with ding hey that's a rhyme with ding yeah real a real  glimpse behind the curtain of the song right today   bob dylan every song is working back from ding  ding ding you're gonna go back oh that was fantastic uh sean and richard are on 27 john  and sarah in the lead with 33. and here is your teaser the  words are anus trim the clue is   it's all on show that's anus trim  it's all on show see after the break welcome back the answer to the tease the words  were anus trim the clue was it's all on show   it was of course naturism okay  on to another letters game and   it's time to ramp up the tension  it's time for the tension round in this game we're playing for double point so the  pressure's on sarah how do you react to pressure   pressure i'm okay with it's fireworks dogs are  scared off so i hope there's nothing loud john   you don't like the tension round normally nobody  likes the tension round the viewers at home the   boys and girls at home they love the attention  round yeah i know they've done a focus group yeah   actually it's not the 90s or you'd  be gunged every time i take guns   guns fine i can shower off gunge i cannot wash my  soul of fear i'll explain it to you now okay it's   not that bad right during the tension round we're  playing for double points so we make it slightly   more difficult that seems fair right so there  are a few explosions through the tension round   second you're picking the letters and one of  the letters is booby trap oh no it's only it's   one letter out of 26. so if you pick that  letter there will be an explosion but it   won't hurt rachel wouldn't it it's important to  remember it doesn't matter we're all in trouble   what matters to me is the booby-trapped letter a  vowel or a consonant i'm not sure i can't remember   piece of [ __ ] hopefully we won't find out  because it won't come up it'll be a valve won't it   you think what sort of schmuck booby traps  consonant sure if you've got ear earplugs in   is it obvious well i would say you've got ear  plugs in but they sort of half in i would say see stop me okay i mean they're in for good  now they are in for good okay   john you're picking the letters consonant  d oh no i remembered the booby trap vowel e my person was gonna be what  did i say is gonna be a vowel   you did say it was gonna be a vowel it's  almost like you're the man behind the shot   it's uh it's done now so you've got another  word about consonant then m consonant vowel they lied to us eli tears yeah but would i lie  again that's what you've got to ask yourself   consonant please zed vowel you're [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] when would  you guess why did you go back when you   knew that was gonna because we  need a vowel that isn't an e   you want to throw away that last  e and then we'll get something   i [ __ ] earn that e you've just got two e's  another vowel i there you go a consonant please   t and a final vowel a final a for double  points tension round your time starts now hey ready is that it that's it you are  lying turd how many uh seven   uh sarah how did you do i got seven as well  you're a seven as well fear focused me actually   be a focus dude yeah very unusual for a dog yeah  uh richard iowa how'd you do i've only got five   five okay and sean oh i go for a six okay so  richard what's your five rated sean you're six   metered john you're seven merited very nice  sarah you're seven it's tasered tasered yes   oh oh but susie dennis are bound to be a dick is  it not in the dictionary no i just think it might   be um a trade name that's what i thought that's  why i died i didn't want to infringe copyright   but if you're happy to start an ip war sarah then  you put down tasered it's a war with no bloodshed   that's fine well sorry i'm gonna be the fun police  because it has to be with an s because it's an   acronym from yes tom swift's electric rifle  exactly um a basket basket go to your basket on a train from houston you're not my owner  basket she was up and down the aisle defecating i didn't like her when she was  dragging herself along the carpet okay um so i didn't i missed that why was  tasered not allowed susie just explained this yeah oh god hello everyone of course like a different world basket okay well it's double points for the tension  round so that's 14 points for john and sarah um nick susie dent could they have done any better  no seventh the most they could have had meat here   oh so at the end of that round john and  sarah are in the lead with 47 points just time to go across the literacy corner  one last time nick what have you got for us   i've got one uh poem it's called numbers numbers  a million zillion particles ten thousand billion   stars eight or nine round planets including earth  and mars 97 minutes make up jingle all the way   100 works of literature and 50 shades of grey  seven harry potter books nine pounds in my bank   a thousand souls who perished  on the titanic when it sank seven dwarfs and seven days seven deadly sins  seven wonders of the world seven police academies four fingers in a kitkat well sometimes you  get two there's eight billion people out there   but only one of you can't believe you didn't lean all the  way absolutely reach you'll get up you've come to see him in prison  touch the screen uh nick helm everyone here is your final teaser the  words are oral [ __ ] the clue is   just go round and round that's oral bits  just go round and round see after the break welcome back the answer to the teasers the words  were oral bits the clue was just go round and   round it was of course orbitals okay time for  our final letters game sean richard your turn   to choose rachel can i have a vowel please of  course you can sean oh and a consonant please l   and a vowel u and a consonant h and a  vowel i and a consonant j uh a vowel please   a consonant r consonant and s  okay and your time starts now dear diary something really weird happened i guess  it happens to a lot of guys i was in bed and i   found myself enjoying one of susie dent's books i  feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed it was full of   fascinating facts and she's a wonderful writer  but i've been slagging off her books for years   i should apologize and say something nice but  it's probably too late now i'll think about it susie i just want to say in in front  of everyone um your books are sure do you think anybody ever goes to buy one  of your books and then remember something   jimmy said and goes i actually have one maybe not   genuinely i'll say this on the record i'm i'm  slightly i've got a couple of them and i really   like them and i'm obsessed by the podcast  are you i really like the podcast oh you told i'll try a six but i don't like it you don't need  to push yourself on this do you because you've   already absolutely nailed it 47 to 27. sean how  many have you got i took that approach and went   for jars jars yeah you went for jars i decided not  to push myself because john's already won let me   just check with susie down if jars is a word is  jars a word yes well sarah had you had five yeah   what did richie have five five what was your five  richard hales yeah susie's quite bored by that   sarah yours i had shoal like a shoal of fish  that's a good word yeah uh john you're six   well i thought i'd try rousal without the a well  you can be roused and aroused so i wondered if   you could have rousal and arousal i bet you can in  historical ditch me john get it out from under the   desk mate and let's celebrate it's not in this  one i'm afraid okay five points to both teams okay uh so sean and richard have  32 points john and sarah have 52. okay fingers on buzzers it's time  for today's countdown conundrum   sean's got it it's it's unusual  for someone to come in before   we've seen the mixed up jumble but what do you  think it might be if you get it now double points   yeah and he wins the game 100 million points  eric for 100 million points what do you think   the nine-letter word is okay um bob slay caretaker  oh yeah yeah you know no really think of something   that when you make an anagram of it has got the  word spunk or dick i mean that's really reductive   of the job that i do on this show that's really  exciting to see what that is i feel that's a real   cheap shot about the conundrum achieved a  cheap shot i like the idea that i just do   it because it's like a rude word and that's my  whole raise on doctrine your time starts now richard armani sirenball okay i'm gonna restart the clock you've  got six seconds to make the magic happen john richardson bum lasers it's not the right answer you've got like three  seconds and something you might need in the rain   sean umbrellas um the jeopardy of getting it before  it's revealed compared to getting   it when the clocks run out and  you've been told the answer is he's right so that's uh that's 10 points to  sean 10 million promising 10 million points i   know we're two meters apart because of the rules  but quick chat about whose [ __ ] side you're at dogs are very loyal to everyone they've seen  right so i'm on everyone's team yeah the real   winner is countdown yeah that's how you end the  show with a freeze break me punching the air   uh so the final scores are sean and  richard have 42 uh john and sarah have 52.   so john and sarah are now the proud owners  of this the countdown break dancing kicks thanks to all our panelists  our wonderful studio audience   and to all of you for watching at  home that's it from us good night live international cricket tomorrow morning  3 45 a.m to 11 30 with england's test tour   of india you can watch it here  on channel 4 and live on all four   now too much to jean and never cast  gets a taste of student life and has   stephen kicked the bottle have a look  in the hedge brand new back is next you
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Channel: pcrobec
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Keywords: 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown S21E04 - 4 February 2021, 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown S21E04, 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 8 Out of 10 Cats, Sara Pascoe, Richard Ayoade, Nick Helm
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Length: 46min 43sec (2803 seconds)
Published: Thu Feb 04 2021
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