The BEST Joe Lycett Emails | 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown

i have been trying to sell fake stories to newspapers and this is one i tried to sell to the sun newspaper i'll just read it to you right i was recently walking through london soho when i spotted matt baker from the bbc one show on his phone in the street he seemed angry about something and at one point he was so angry that to my amazement he tried to kick a pigeon he had about three attempts and on one of them he did clip its wing he was shouting what sounded like die pigeon prick this didn't happen anyway i've never met matt baker i managed to get some pictures i was wondering how much you might be interested in buying them for i got a reply from the sun newspaper within two minutes they said joe kicking a pigeon question mark that is pretty shitty for a one show bloke it's quite colloquial for a first email back i think can you send me the pictures cheers i can't give his real name for legal reason so i call him rodney i said rodney my lawyer says i shouldn't send you the full pictures until i have an offer from you as to how much you'll pay for them i've attached a cropped version of one of the shots for the time being here's my photo of a pigeon he attached that one on the top there he also touched a picture of matt baker and said can you send me a picture of this man kicking a pigeon so i sent him a curveball and i just said is that a picture of matt baker i thought he was chinese he replied you thought he was chinese question mark you mean you have a picture of a chinese man kicking a picture i said yes how much will you pay for it i said i fear we might be wasting each other's time good day you'll be sorry when you see tomorrow's guardian front page uh so i spend a lot of time writing letters and i found the email address of the ceo of network rail he owns all of the train stations in the united kingdom so i genuinely wrote this dear sir i am contacting you regarding an urgent emergency at london houston last night i enjoyed a prawn masala and garlic naan from a curry house in peckham i had concerns about the hygiene standards of the establishment but was blinded by my hunger and chose to ignore the warning signs thus today i have been as my father would say pissing through my ass the reason this is relevant to you is that i currently find myself at london houston train station without 30 pence some of you might be ahead of me on this as your toilet facilities demand this fee and i'm about to explode i am left in a most perilous position i have managed to find some privacy and i'm currently perched behind a bin on one of the platforms near deletion of france desperately trying to hold in what i anticipate to be a towering cascading waterfall of post masala sadness [Laughter] i was wondering if you might be able to lend me some of your 675 000 salary then i put in brackets that would buy you 2.25 million train station toilet trips you lucky bugger to avoid this impending atrocity either that or perhaps stop charging for what most people would consider to be a basic human right regards j lysa i also put ps should you lend me the money i would be delighted to invite you for tea at my home to say thank you but please give me plenty of notice as i'll need to install a turnstile outside the bathroom pps you're literally taking the piss i get a lot of parking fines and i i've realized if you ask for evidence then often you can get out of the fine now i was up north doing a show and i got to find so i emailed the council asking for the evidence i got an email from some woman called steph who said mr lysette i have passed your email onto the freedom of information team hopefully they'll be in touch with you soon now i didn't like that word hopefully so i replied steph sadly hopefully doth butter no parsnips can i have an email address for the person you have contacted my lawyers would like to contact them directly you have been very helpful and hopefully you won't get caught up in the forthcoming forthcoming was sinister enough clearly replied mr lysa i'm not sure what you mean about buttered parsnips i've ceced in the foi team who will advise now i got an email from someone called colin who said mr lysette your request is very broad so i've assumed you only want information pertinent to your recent parking fine attached is the evidence which we have which are photographs of your car clearly parked in a taxi right now the photographs they had are of my window which had taxi rank written on it by presumably a disgruntled taxi driver there's actually no evidence of a taxi rank in that photograph so i went back to colin didn't i i said mr collin when you assume you make an ass out of you and me i see that your evidence is nothing more than a picture of the words taxi rank written on my car i would argue this evidence is insufficient i also put ps apologies for the delay and replying to your previous email i'm currently on the costa del sol i provided evidence of this and then i just put this picture in order to reverse the fine you will need to provide evidence that your vehicle was not in a taxi rank so i said oh mr colin evidence supplied i was actually parked on the moon as you can see clearly mr i've cancelled the fine last time i was on the show i received a little bit of feedback from a viewer who for legal reasons we're going to call brian i received about 3 am after the broadcast the subject was eight out of ten cars just saw you on the show and had to email you to tell you you are [ __ ] jimmy carr is the best thing about that show by miles you're not even remotely funny here's some advice find another job you're a dick please consider the environment do you really need to print this email what brian did foolishly is he left his email signature on from his workplace solicitors so i replied dearest brian thank you for your email regarding my recent appearance on eight out of ten cars the spin off show to the very popular 8 out of 10 cats i read with great interest your thoughts on jimmy carr he is indeed a fantastic comedian and broadcaster as you left your address for your workplace on your email signature i've had it arranged for a signed photograph of jimmy to be posted to you to thank you for your feedback yours joe i also put ps i will now spend some time considering the environment before printing your emails he then sent me an email very quickly back he replied please don't send me any stuff this is my workplace sorry about the last email i was drunk brian but regardless i sent him this picture which is your picture with my autograph i then replied to him my beloved brian thank you for your apology but it is unnecessary if anything i actually owe you an apology as i've sent what is clearly my autograph on a jimmy car picture i practiced my signature on leftover photographs of jimmy and there must have been a clerical error i've had this morning with my compliments forever yours jay leicester i also put ps i'm still considering the environment he replied please please don't send stuff to my office i'm sorry for sending the first email i was drunk too late i sent him this that is how i signed my name he then replied honestly mate what the actual [ __ ] i've apologized and you're still sending stuff this is my workplace man the glitter got everywhere oh i added glitter to the honor so i replied okay brian i'll stop sending you stuff i should tell you i've finished my considerations as to the environment before printing your emails and have decided to print them regardless they are in the post to your offices and addressed to the manager got a one-word reply from brian [ __ ] don't lie to everyone i like writing letters particularly letters of complaint and i um i recently got a parking fine on christmas eve in birmingham city center so i i wrote this letter of complaint now my friends say that they think i went in too heavy i don't think i did i wrote dear bastards that's fair isn't it i got a parking ticket in birmingham city centre on the 24th of december you may be more familiar with this state's more popular name christmas eve i was in town buying food and toys for some sick and starving children that i look after in a local orphanage plus a small gift for my aging mother brackets some novelty chocolates in the shape of male genitalia actually named cocklets when i return to my car you can imagine my surprise and disappointment to find a parking ticket was affixed to the windscreen i cried as jesus did on christmas day forgive these sinners they know not what they do that's actually easter but i got confused i may have also chased your parking enforcement officer shouting die judas i am willing to offer as payment a bottle of sherry christmas cheer and all that if you fail to pay within 14 days it will be reduced to half a bottle if you refuse this offer i will have to pay the fine using money from the orphanage which will force me to starve one of the weaker children names graham i attached a picture [Laughter] me as a child he's a six-year-old boy with fair hair in the voice of an angel i also put p.s just to be absolutely clear if you do not cancel the fine i will kill a child well jimmy i've got some of my comedy correspondence i always leave my christmas shopping to the last minute and last year was no exception on the 23rd of december i found a bowl a fruit bowl that i thought my mother would quite like on a online store based in birmingham which is where i live so i emailed them to ask if i could get the delivery quicker than their usual five working days because i needed it for christmas i received this email from chris he said mr lysette thank you for your email this item is an online exclusive therefore we can only arrange it online delivery is five working days kind regards chris i'm not sure his regards were kind actually so i replied dear chris thank you for your kind regards the issue is that i need the bowl tomorrow as it's a christmas gift is there no way i can pay extra for next day delivery or pay online and collect it very kind regards joe he replied dear mr lycee we only offer delivery in five working days unfortunately kind regards chris definitely unkind so i replied chris i need this bowl for christmas day which occurs famously on the 25th where does the bowl reside is it in physical form in your shop in birmingham or does it exist as an ethereal spirit within the internet manifesting itself only when purchased through your online store regards joe you replied mr leicester i see well done chris we wouldn't normally as it is an online exclusive but as a gesture of goodwill that can be arranged if you order through the website and come in later you can collect kind regards chris so i went in paid 4.99 postage and packaging on the website went in collected the bowl gave it to mum she loved it very nice christmas a few days after new year another bowl arrives at the house listen get this email mr license i'm contacting you regarding your purchase we sent you a bowling error after you collected one from our shop could you return it to us if you would like to keep it we can arrange payment for it kind regards chris so i replied hello chris here is the bowl and just attached a picture of the bowl yes mr leicester that's the bowl i'm referring to could you advise when you'll be returning the bowl i replied i don't understand chris i returned the bowl in the last email the bowl is online only it exists within the email as a gesture of goodwill if you sent me the 4.99 i paid for postage and packaging i'll return it in physical form all my love joe he replied keep the bowl and keep the change and just attach a picture of a fiver

Channel: Channel 4 Comedy

Views: 1,093,007

Keywords: Channel 4, All 4, Comedy, Channel 4 Comedy, Joe Lycett, Funny, 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Comedian, 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Emails, Correspondence, Hilarious, Troll, Trolling, LOL, Panel Show, British Comedy

Id: 9JysMqSzjL8

Length: 13min 43sec (823 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 25 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/ijaydub]

This guy is hilarious. I love his letters and emails.

[u/shikiroin]

I wish I could believe that any of these were real. I mean I know most comedy stuff is made up, but he sells it as if these ridiculous things have actually happened