8 Out of 10 Cats Season 16 Episode 4 | 8 Out of 10 Cats Full Episode | Jimmy Carr

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats uncut a show about opinion polls surveys and statistics did you know for example 10 of British people let their pets sleep in their bed there's nothing more relaxing than waking up in the night to feel the weight of your dog on your chest to feel his fur hear his gentle panting and sense his eyes staring at you in the darkness Until you realize hang on a minute Ivan guard dog 54 of teenagers never go to the cinema really where do they made their phone calls and 25 of Brits rate themselves 10 out of 10 in the bedroom I'd give myself 9.9 because I fell over on the dismount [Applause] [Music] yeah that's the name of our first round it's our panelist job against the British Public's top five most popular talking points John's team what do you think people have been talking about this week I don't really talk to people then to move away we put two girls on your team this week because we thought it would force you to talk to girls okay hey all right John yeah girls done [Laughter] uh what about Tesco's saying that we're throwing away is it two-thirds of our food that we buy so much wasted food yeah well specifically it's the bagged salad they reckon two-thirds of it goes in the bin Tess you waste any food well I try not to but yeah hands up I'm guilty of occasionally throwing away a bag of salad that's gone past Itself by day I've got kids give it to them well I do whatever whatever you and Verna don't have it's true to them and if it's not them it's the dog but occasionally you do find yourself throwing stuff away don't you the thing is the labeling isn't it because they say bag salad mixed leaves but actually it's not that's not accurate it should be mixed leaf stroke compost you're basically buying a bag of compost because sometimes you know it's gone off by the time you've got it home I go through red lights just to get the hot food I think that's a smell test well we all believe the best before date just give it a sniff if you're not sick in your mouth it's fine yeah it seems like a lot of waste two-thirds of everything but I thought about it it's true because I've got a sample of like if I'm eating a packet of three Scotch eggs I'll eat one and throw the other two at cyclists [Music] you've already put that in terms everyone can relate to I waste so little I went on holiday and took some nurofen because you can never be too prepared on a holiday can you and when I got back I saw that one of the nurofen had popped out of the little uh metal thing they're in and I didn't want to waste it so I ate it don't even have a headache then I have to get [ __ ] faced just to get the benefits I hate food waste I think it's the worst thing in the world I'd eat things off the floor just to make sure there's no waste I also hate mice and one time my flatmate to catch a mice for me while I was asleep left some peanut butter by the toaster with rat poison on it and I came downstairs the next morning I was like always not want not to go to hospital and get my stomach pumped I chose how much I hate food waste and also how easy I'd be to trap Christian do you waste food I do waste food I'm really bad I'm a bit obsessive about the dates so I'm always the one who who looks at the date and it says it runs out on the 23rd so I can't eat it because if it's off then I might want to be sick or something so Christian and you've been reading the news and all these stories about you know conspiracies too long years ago there was a flood in Honduras and a woman was in a tree giving birth to a baby a helicopter came along and pulled her out of the tree as she gave birth to the baby and she was bought into the helicopter with the umbilical cord still attached and they both survived your bag salad isn't going to kill you all right I feel that story might have been a sledgehammer don't crack your nut there really that was a helicopter and a flooding Honduras to get him to eat some salad bad bag of salad might make you rush the news stomach and reading the news on a weak stomach is not good my sister once had to throw up she's a news reader as well and she had to throw up in between the stories so she would do an intro and I get was it a particularly gory story there's nobody to relieve her Madonna has a new video out where she tries to be sexy John do you do you read the best before don't hear to them no no I've got I've got pesto in my fridge that Assad wouldn't fire insurgent the monkeys I'm fine I've got cast iron stomach yeah the problem is we have a generation Growing Up Now who have never seen Ready Steady [ __ ] so they don't know how to make a meal out of a Mars bar or red pepper in a stock Cube do they open the cupboards and everything's a meal anyway and they go oh I've got nothing in Ainsley Harris would have turned that into a gourmet feast and been delightful company in the meantime all right okay let's have a look and see if it's up there [Music] yes Tesco has revealed the extent of food wastage in the country according to the survey 53 of food in this country goes to waste the rest goes to hips and bums Right girls [Laughter] I shall see what else did the donation been talking about uh Alex Ferguson has written a book he's basically got a few things off his chest about the various players did you find did you think was controversial I see people having a go at him saying how why is he washing his dirty laundry in public but imagine managing footballers for that many years we all know what Monumental tosses they are Imagine just having to manage 22 25 of those for 26 years you'd be just I can't believe he just hasn't just shot himself one day I can't believe he can get those guys on a bus it must be like trying to heard cats no no yeah we have to be there by two honestly there's a kicker there's a whistle I thought was interesting is the cover his nose isn't red it's the one photograph where his nose isn't red you've got a picture of him is a picture there he is there look at his nose it's brilliant that's his home nose that's what he wears to the United home games [Laughter] someone should have told him to hold it a bit higher that looks like his penis is a tiny little Alex Ferguson he called his my autobiography which isn't quite lazy title the only way it could have been [ __ ] if it was just called book the most disgusting line in his book it was the Revelation that the hardest part of Roy Kane's body is his tongue I don't want to know how we found that out but what a disgusting image that is someone who's broken legs what can he do with his tongue he can break hearts I was a bit gutted it came out this week uh if honest because I am I released my autobiography this week yeah it's called um it's called Sex Panther um I'll be honest with you it's mainly about Panthers yeah it's making pictures in there yeah yeah there's a couple with my top on I can't find them morrissey's got one out as well morrissey's got one out yep I like to read them in tandem I read a line of fergies in a line of Morrissey there he goes I wept for days when I realized my bicycle would one day rust Rooney is an [ __ ] okay let's have a look and see if Alex Ferguson's up there [Music] yes Alex Ferguson talk about if he was released this week in the book Ferguson is scathing about David Beckham Roy Keane and Wayne Rooney if that ever learned to read they'll be livid okay what do you think the name should be talking about are you gonna hug him self people are talking about strictly of course aren't they of course they are because people are dancing and it's nice you send them to the park so they sleep that's for mums and nanas in it strictly they get all excited and you go oh she'll sleep tonight is a little bit of something for everyone isn't it there's like the the reality TV element for the 20 year olds and for the 30 year olds is a celebrity thing and then for the nunners there's live music well let's not forget there's a lot of stuff for the dads and for the dads yeah so who's Vanessa Felts for I'm always fascinated by Britain's refusal to let Bruce Forsyth Go I mean he's just like Britain's Nelson Mandela these are Nelson Mandela he is they're going to be Wheeling that man out in 20 years time and going what was that Bruce is that a joke tap once for yes and tap twice foreign men to cover up have they done that oh Ben last week or was it then when you're doing the samba well it no because the rumors where he's gonna have a bare chest and I'm sure it's further down the line ladies and gents he will have a bare chest oh my God you've heard it here first he's frustrating though not that they can't take their tops off in it I just think it's a shake like I thought it frustrating I'm not allowed to go bottomless on this show they make me wear my trousers and pants even though I'm behind a desk what's the point through this never going strictly I had been asked um it's basically middle class pawns Strictly Come Down it's the job of the female news readers to sort of Bounce Around to entertain blue like your sister and what this is what if I'm particularly annoying about strictly is that if you are a camp man you are allowed to be Ruder than a man who is not camp for example if I were to watch Rachel Riley dance and I would say your bottom looked like a sack of potatoes there and frankly it made me sick there'd be complaints but if I were a camp man like Bruno and your bottom look like potatoes foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] one of the celebrities Patrick Robinson is from casualty his dance starts well but halfway through he starts climbing a stepladder to hang Christmas lights over a bath and you think this isn't going to end well we're still trying to guess the most talked about things this week Sean's team the the thrilling climax to the Great British Bake Off yeah yeah or as I like to call it Britain's Got trifle um did you watch your Sean yeah I don't watch out of any kind of you know another problem with it any issue with it just didn't happen to watch it I was a bit disappointed by the winning pie this is pie what were you hoping well something a bit special like I don't know pie with Wi-Fi do that [ __ ] foreign people who called Ruby was in the final a filthy slag I mean to get into the habit of calling cake makers a filthy slag is dangerous because most of them are in their 70s I'll swear at a cake if a cake is really nice I might go oh you dirty bastard you never shouted at a baker before no I don't think so yeah I don't watch it an awful lot but I do see Mary Berry a lot because she lives very close to me so I bump into the local supermarket which is brilliant because I get to look in a trolley in a basket if you buy Mr Kipling I bet she is no but interestingly enough we've got a local um Frozen food shop allegedly she goes in and buys a pre-cooked brownie tray bake at a bus stop in buckinghamshire you see her she thinks she's all that she buys pre-made Christian did you did you partake uh well it's a bit like Breaking Bad um the the great the great Bake Off the idea of it is a bit ludicrous and you wouldn't want to watch it but then if you catch it it's amazing and you learn a lot and it's quite addictive I would rather see the kind of [ __ ] Bakers you know like you know at the start of X Factor when they showed a really deluded I want to see the guy that baked a pie with like a lever Arch file in it decorate a cake with his own hair that's why I wanted it lashes out when he doesn't get through what you're saying is you want to be on the show yeah I love it okay let's have a look and see if it's up there here's the number one story yes we've got anybody's fake off we can most talked about things this week bake off's not been a great success in America of course over there it's a dieting show okay fingers on positives one more thing still to get [Music] I think I think it's maybe heat and energy there's all these new nuclear plants that they're launching to because the heat has gone up 10 and the only people who are going to win from that are the perverts in the strip clubs because they're going to get more dams for their dollar now because the strippers will be like we're going to take off my woolly horse with off my big coal shouldn't go on for an extra 20 minutes before they get to the nipple tassels I don't think the first bit is really what the men are there for really I don't think the Bobble hat bit they're enjoying do you go foreign well there's going to be no energy left so we're gonna have to build some more nuclear power plants is what's happening because well basically because we've all come weak I like the cold I like a little bit of it's romantic isn't it the colds but to ought to fill the uh deficit from the energy company's prices going up and up and up we're going to build nuclear power stations it's a non-renewable source of energy so it has to go up because we can't we can't keep drawing from the Earth forever guys yeah well we can to a while we're alive um which is the main issue on the table at the moment I think what we should do is all refuse to pay our energy bills if everyone did it like in a mass Disobedience just that woman in you just just everybody just choose a quarter we just choose one quarter and everyone just says no sorry we're not because there's six energy companies and it's a cartel really there's no difference yeah and then what they need to do is people generally need to have like some kind of Civil Disobedience I'm trying to be like the uh utility Gandhi that's the way I see myself and everybody just says no we're not playing it and that quarter give us no because they can't cut everybody off they get their energy from Russia though so it'll be the Russians who just turn the tap off you don't pay for gas you don't get gas put their shoulder laugh in just because I thought I made him too evil incredible because Somerset has about five years worth of energy from burning dead badges they just set fire to the badges they could keep toasty don't shoot the badges put the Badgers in a in like a hamster wheel get them working you're probably an expert on this I would imagine what do you think about nuclear power well I'm not yeah I know we need more energy but I'm not really bothered about electricity because I I quite like sitting in the dock and I um I own a pair of night vision goggles don't quite happy what happens with night vision goggles if you wear them in the day it hurts real bad yeah I was wearing them I opened the curtains do it when I was eight in the morning lost one eye okay I can tell you one of the most talked about things this week but the nuclear power station will be built at Hinckley point or as it will be known in five years the forbidden zone fingers on Buzz there's one more thing to get go on let's stay christening of the royal baby yeah exciting wasn't it uh Christendom is official title which is Prince George at Asda they're in touch with common people yeah would you like to be nice to be one of the godparents I think um would have been a tough choice for them but I think it'd be very difficult choice for everybody involved I think it's wise that we discussed it and it was agreed that for both parties it wasn't going to work out and that's why Joe got the job quite liberal about these things in the church though I mean I'm a Godfather to uh someone and I say when they ask Master but I'm not a Christian and they said don't worry just come and meet the vicar and I said to the vicar obviously I'm not Christian and he said don't worry when I just say you know laughs sorry sorry carry on well you basically told me to lie he said you know when when they ask you the question you know will you bring this child up in the traditional whatever it is just say yes uh Joe I just had a big Scandal was that um some of the Royals didn't get invited I was like that's that's good Chris thing's a [ __ ] apparently there's no disco you can't smoke you have to get the gravy stains off your suit this is a gray suit it's just covered in gravy I'm very happy though did he in the photographs the official official photo oh wait look look at that he's got tentacles oh look there's only a second ever public appearance and he's wearing a frog these sort of things are the only days where weirdos get called well-wishers that's a very good point well-made yeah you can still go out and about in London that day I can wave at babies and no one arrests me it's great I don't care about other people's Christian I have just come from St James's Palace actually um from here I was at a royal reception um with Prince Charles and Camilla what were you doing at a royal reception and they wanted to get in the mood so they invited some British [ __ ] and um I'm glad you said it not me they're going away sorry they're going to India and Sri Lanka yeah me and a few friends get in the mood get some trouble we've got a picture of you there let's have a look there you are oh gosh that was quick um were there pictures there just you can email to go into Slappy snaps to get it developed uh yeah well there I am um sucking up to Camilla what did you talk to Camilla about oh I talked about something really serious we are both patrons of the same charity oh so I taught you about that it won't get reported as a serious conversation whatever the Royals say in the papers they put they quipped or they as if they're these piss funny the front page of the paper said it's the first time the baby's been quiet today joked William to joke is it that is a statement that's because he was noisy and now he's not noisy tell these people they're funny they get enough they get driven everywhere and carried in Gold carriages they need an honest appraiser at least of their comic talent to be told fine what you do but that's a [ __ ] joke okay let's see if George is up there [Music] yes it was Prince George's listening this week sadly DNA tests have revealed Prince George actually belongs to a Romani Gypsy couple from Greece so those were the most talked about things this week but in other news the German Chancellor Angela Merkel has accused the American Secret Service of bugging her phone I'm not being funny but if history's taught us anything it's keeping an eye on the Germans never a bad idea a cap in a moldovian prison has been caught smuggling cannabis into inmates the cat has now been sentenced to death which means it can only do eight more times and the Vatican has announced it's forming its very own cricket team they should be good because pretty much every Catholic priest can be described as not out [Applause] so at the end of that round Sean Joe and Christian have three points John Tess and Ashling have two points our next round he's picking the poles John Tess Ashley pick a question can we have the robot please of course you want the robot a recent survey revealed 61 of people would be happy to shop at a fully automated store with no human interaction so we asked our studio audience would you rather be served by a machine or a human being it's really annoying isn't when you're in a supermarket and use one of the automated tills and the light is flashing inside the DVD or a bottle of wine and you know you need help they never work those things you're supposed to pay for them before I've lost it I've lost it with them I've just shouted the machine so I've swiped this loads of times and I've just said look I've taken the chicken okay give me your words the chicken's coming with me hostage and I walk out of the shop I'm having this chicken okay I've tried to pay you won't take it I'm going drives me nuts and then you swipe nothing sweats and then you go an apple no sticker on it just goes Boop and you go what did get in your heads occasion occasionally I like to put an unexpected item in the bagging area just just to hear a woman's voice foreign [Music] interaction Christian or I it depends what kind of mood I'm in generally if the machine worked I'd rather have a machine in a shot but the machines don't work it's like when you go to Heathrow they've got the machine immigration thing so that you can avoid the large queue and then you queue up for the machine and you put your passport on the machine and the machine says go and talk to a person so if the machines worked fantastic but they don't I think they do I'd rather have a machine because sometimes I'm buying stuff I do not want to have a conversation about can we just look at your basket and you go well we're not getting through this without a little quiz are we the most combo of items you've you've had to buy at a supermarket it's more the reason I'm buying it once I had a dream about a kit I had a dream about a cake a very old Martin Luther a set yeah I have a dream today it's a sick rhubarb and custard flame it was rhubarb and custard but the rhubarb had been cooked in rose water so at a slight Turkish delight flavor it was a set round thing and the custard set on top round of pastry I wanted to bake it that afternoon I didn't want to have to explain why a 25 year old man was buying rose water and not booze I should have been buying a four pack of lager in a DVD I was buying rose water and rhubarb I didn't want what I got which was a cashier going oh what are you doing with this then look mental if you go I dreamed of a king I'm genuinely intrigued now as to how that turned out all I know is you know you said earlier you'd like to see an early round of Bake Off where they see The Nutters okay so let's get some answers on this we asked our studio audience would you rather be served by a machine or a human being what do you think they said what would you I'd say machine human being okay I can tell you the answer is 70 of our studio audience would rather be served by a human being whatever okay Sean what do you like to look up uh I like the look of a crying woman [Music] this week A man was jailed after forgetting to book his wedding venue and phoning in a hoax bomb threat to try and cover it up a brilliant story so we asked our studio audience have you ever lied to get out of an awkward situation yes or no I love that story it's a great story isn't it did you get that on the news um we we didn't have on the news but um but it was a fantastic story we should have had it on the news but I thought it was a bit harsh whether you got prison time you've got prison time because I thought well I understand that I would have done that oh bomb hoax though you say that's okay to do bomb hoaxes because you've messed up no I think it's quite right I I actually think he's so stupid he won't even know where he is you probably think it's just a really long tedious honeymoon what I like the idea of is that the idea is that he rejected he had a list of ideas like Triffids Vikings if you were getting married right to a lovely lady right no bear with me on this if you're getting married to a lovely lady and you've forgotten to book the venue I can't imagine you not being very organized but imagine that scenario where you've got to book the venue what would you do in that situation or a sniper rifle no one yeah yeah a rifle higher cool can the market thinking about it or I would uh I would just say the venue's double booked a better idea wouldn't it the venues [ __ ] up yeah yeah just don't ask them do you if you love me you'll trust me okay have you ever lied to get out of an awkward John I'd love to answer that question but uh my uh my nuns I've got to go and um you've got a date with your nan I've had plenty of times I wish I'd lied where honesty is not the best policy well you just don't want to see someone and you can't think of a lie quick enough let's go do you fancy coming out for a drink and you go no [ __ ] yeah you could have sugared that pill a little bit okay do you think our audience have ever lied to get out of an awkward situation yeah everyone knows my dog farted recently and uh to cover up the embarrassment I said I'd shout myself foreign so let's get some odds on this so uh yes or no yes yes okay I can tell you the answer is yes 93 of our studio audience have lied to get out of an awkward situation let's get our hands so quickly I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there's an entire religion [Applause] Sean steamman three points for Jon Stein and the winner is is the name of our final round here's your question hardest job how much is working in a sour cream factory it's like checking that it's it's off but not too off yeah that's all right I think the hardest job must be the little man who has to sit inside the ATM and push all the money out first job what do you think the hardest job is Tess one of my hardest jobs has been live kids television and not swearing every time a kid kicked you or vomited on you or you know we're in one football game eat my goal and oh you get slammed in the face with a football live television I used to work on a stud Farm as a tour guide for a second now I thought that is the worst job yeah that's what they have to do there's the the penis cleaner there's the the the person who has to guide the horse penis into the into the mare so that's a tough one as well was that I mean did you know the person that did that job what job did you didn't do it to me did you do that did you do that I had to bring American tourists around while they while they watch this John what do you think the hardest job is I imagine Alex Ferguson's wife is having a tough time it's pretty much had 30 years where he's never in and now he's just sat on their couch like the bench are all drafted switch it switching if you want to change the channel Alex you can do it yourself in room floor is it head of wasps at London Zoo I'm head of wasps feeding time's easy just empty a bin in the cage it was it's not a head of wasps no Daily Mail reggae correspondent reggae at the Daily Mail the company that makes Tim will fix it badges are struggling is it police nurse because they did both difficult jobs imagine if you had to do two of them at one at least no the police nurse do you please put up there oh you're not feeling very much police nurse police nurse mum they're saying mother's most difficult job in the world [Applause] Sean take that back rather than welding an off-sea oil rig you get a lunch break on a North seal rig don't you don't get a break if you're a mother though Sean yes you do oh it's all jobs one long tea break it's just a long tea break I stayed at home all day with a small child yes I have yeah yeah have you fed it from your boobs um I think it's quite an easy one to get it's regarded as a very difficult job teacher that's the right answer yes the hardest job is a teacher all the teachers in my school were very strict I remember every Monday morning I had to give the deputy head [Applause] well that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are John Tess and Ashling have three points Sean Joe and Christian are the winners with six points our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching that's it from us good night foreign [Applause] [Music] the guy you just saw in that video thanks for watching it because uh somehow I get money from that I don't know how I don't I don't know thanks for watching it I'd somehow that benefits me and I'm free I'll see a live show at some point further down the sunny Road good luck

Channel: Jimmy Carr

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Id: 92muVJSGbzA

Length: 35min 10sec (2110 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 12 2023