Eight out of 10 cats does countdown. Sean Locke. Jon Richardson Victoria Mitchell James Acaster Natalie Cassidy Susie Dent Rachel Riley Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. A show all about letters numbers and conundrums Okay, let's meet a nice place first up. It's Sean Locke Sean Locke is a star in that he's full of gas and if he explodes he'll destroy everything around him Joining Sean tonight, Victoria Karen Mitchell Victoria hosts only connect which has been described as the toughest quiz on TV Presumably by someone who's never had to sit next to Sean Locke on this show Up against them this evening is John Richardson John gets anxious about stuff He's what my old nan would call a worrywart a fusspot a flibbertigibbet a nutjob a weirdo twat Dead? Nan yeah, Oh long gone. Jokes on her John's teammate James Acaster Despite what you might think James is very popular with the ladies and those ladies are both his grandmothers John do you have any habits that annoy your wife.
Well? She told me once she wanted me to lose myself at a festival. I Don't know if she means let rip and have some fun or just go missing Probably the second one. I think she wishes I'd let loose a bit more and not be so uptight But when you're having a conversation with your wife about the things you do that might mean she divorces you one day It's very difficult to let loose and relax Oh James you're up against a very tough competition tonight. Would you describe yourself as smart? Yes, I would Ask your question Jimmy. Yeah. Yes. He does. It actually asks it as well Very smart Jimmy. I know all the numbers in a sodoku Test me on him I what are the numbers in the Sudoku pick one at random nine eight Don't help me on any of these 6 What happens when we get to the end Well, I'm ran my mouth off. It's really all that can happen even be surprised how tolerant account down audience is to just count it Well get ready because I think there's at least 50 more Free I think soon you're gonna forget which ones you haven't done and now I'm genuinely Grit 2 4 5 7 Victoria question for you. If you're on death row, what would be your final meal? Here's my thing with that question. What would you eat on death row? What's your final meal? People ask it. It makes you think about it because you wouldn't enjoy it, would you whatever it was? It would taste of ashes because you're going to be imminently dead. So it's thinking about how much you wouldn't enjoy it it really brings home the Awful dread of finite consciousness Having said all that, probably KFC. I suppose if you're in death row, foods not really your thing. You're not a foodie. You're more killie Sure, you're a very generous man, yes you get involved in helping your local community. Yes, I do Jimmy All right, the motives quite a lot of money to my local dog fighting arena. I Say arena it's just a container with the lid peel back They offered to name it after me they Sherlock dog fighting arena now I don't be seen as some kind of local saint a Lot of money to the area and dog shit Okay now Victoria have you got mascot? I have got a mascot They told me that I couldn't have my phone on in the studio and it's tricky because I'm quite addicted to Twitter So what I quickly did was just printed out the last 10 minutes of Twitter before I came on No, just so that I could I could flick through during the did you like me because that's sometimes when you're away from it you sort of What's going on I've just got it here this is just a nice commit so I can just just to see what's going on it's not I like looking at the pictures, you know, like You know, here's my dog in the snow here are my tits My replies because the last tweet that I did Before I came on I said I'm going on cats does countdown. I'm taking as my mascot to print out of Twitter So then I can see the replies. This is one of my fans is written That's not funny. You're not a comedian. I don't know why you even do that props bit at the beginning. I don't laugh Also, you're a fat cow Mitchell could have done better. So James have you got a mascot? Yes, I have Jimmy What have you got when I come on this show? I get very worried that people going to copy my answers And so I'm so smart like we established and might try and see what I've written So I've brought some along that spies used to write in code So no one can read what I've written is my code spike in this and here's how it works, right? This looks like a candle. It's a pen you idiot I've been right here. Whatever. I like right I like like whatever I like I've written your name there, right? I just didn't tell you that Because it's a code What does that say? Probably nothing as far as you're concerned you moron? then Look, I've got some paints here, right? I'll just get my brush and then I paint over it just Like this this is what all the spies do Jimmy stinks, that was a secret message. I mean, I love it. I think it's if I want to I can Boulder bought that This for mistakes And do things that way okay John have you got a mascot There's a lot of holidays in this country frankly too many people waste them with their family. Let's be honest Nobody wants to nobody wants an extra day off. You suddenly find you've got one. You're all in the same house You can't say do you know what I've got some shit to catch up on if you don't mind So you waste it not my new day. I'm launching admin day It's a moveable feast you bucket in whenever you want. You tell your family you tell your friends Nobody's allowed to contact me on this day. So admin day or as its official announcement Ryman's day The patron saint of admin you nominate your add me date and the most exciting part of admin day Is the month leading up to admin day where you get your admin event calendar? I think that went fine You pop this sunk just above your kids bed are you Are you a little bit out breath? I'm all right. I had a hernia anyway And running up to Admin day you open up your little admin vent calendar each day and you pull out a piece of stationery You might need your highlighter. Everyone uses a highlighter once don't they and then you highlight it across ink it gets dirty You put it in the bin You've got you've got rubbers in there of course both kinds sometimes the the excitement of admin overtakes Important to be safe. Got some stationery might help with the show. Want a pen? Yeah, man. Oh, no I don't! And we've reached the end of the bit now and the moment that I have to contemplate putting that thing back down again Shawn, have you got mascot?
Yes, I do Jimmy I was lucky enough to be sent recently a copy of a newspaper from the day I was born, 22nd of April 1963, and here we go It's the simpler times and as you can see some, you know, so interesting news going on The ladder crisis had deepened at that point And as you can see the national joy has felt-tip pens are invented This day It's quite an auspicious day 22nd of April because it's the day they announced the finalists for the cheekiest chimney sweep So that's another lovely little part of the newspaper, I mean here scientists say we're just 10 years away from dry-roasted Peter PC goes mad this is about police constable who had mad Game you can seize on the turn there Is that what's the other story at the bottom there I think Carol Vorderman joins countdown is the Horsham Warbler, what is this? There was a fashion for gentlemen to warble under women's windows Did warbling And there's story that foreign muck Suggests foreign mark becoming more popular than our traditional boiled stuff And on the back page of the sports here we've got this thing about tell you some pyres remain grounded due to evening leather crisis There's one other arts girl what a fine because it's about it's the the Beatles album first album was released That week and there's a really good piece in here about it Beautiful to release their first album, is there a story on me on the other side of that Why don't I get more acting work I know when dictionary corner. It's a Natalie Cassidy Thank you to be three dice three dice to be here hello Are you busy at the moment anything coming up? Yeah, I'm doing that with Sparrow because we sister Kat has moved out She's got Dubai for like little bit of table dancing for a year. Some people get all the luck How's that all going. oh really well, thank you. So I've decided to go floral on the main feature wall then Aubergine on the other 3. Now that I know what my scheme is I could go doolally and dun hell? That's the plan.
Sounds great. Anyway, what's great to have you back where you belong on EastEnders? You're sort of a regular fixture there now, aren't you? Yes, so yeah it's lovely to be back in the square. I really like it It's lovely but yeah, I just um, you get a bit nervous because you never know when someone's going to Just you know kill you off Run you over or something? Do you have any sort of backup career plan? Oh, yeah, I'm a trained electrician And with Natalie. Of course, it's Susie Dent Susie recently went on tour her show got five stars spread across five reviews Susie we've got a proper Eastender on the show tonight. Any favorite cockney phrases people pop up in rhyming slang all the time so modern rhyming slang and kind of riffs on people's names Ilana Blair flares and Pete song wrong a new in fact have a bit of rhyming slang named after you which is Berkeley Cunt And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley Rachel has a degree in maths, physics and quantum mechanics Using her to do the numbers on countdown is like using Susie Dent as a glorified spell checker Which, thinking about it is what we do Rachel, um we've got some pretty smart people on the show tonight. Who do you think is the biggest nerd? I've been thinking about this actually So I checked on the urban dictionary definition of nerd and a nerd is someone whose IQ is bigger than their weight So obviously it's Countdown's own Mr. Jon richardson Nice thing I think it's a nice thing. I think you're you're you're a tiny little fella. You're very clever Okay, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight? Is this the countdown beekeeping kit Okay, let's uh let's countdown everyone for the first time today, um John James you get the first pick of the letters Would you like to pick or do you not care? I'd like at least one consonant in there. That's of my only request. All right, go for it Let's get that out of the way, and then you can drift off Yeah, oh yeah start with D best of all the ones vowel please a Consonant, please T and another consonant, please aa Vowel, please. I and another vowel please
E Yeah a consonant, please C and a consonant V. Oh And a final go on,
Vowel O
Oh no Okay for the first time today here's the countdown clock AWW Thought it was a dinosaur it's just it's just a dog dressed up No, yeah, this is the bit they don't put on tell me where we keep going How many of you get John seven, okay, James six six Yep Sean how many six? Victoria I think eight James let's hear your six traced What I mean, that couldn't be more perfect. Yes. So quite happy with that Yeah, as you guys well, you should be um, you're six Sean
tirade John you're seven carotid As in a sort of carotid artery sort of thing. Yeah
Excellent Victoria cavorted brilliant So a that's pretty impressive I mean for cat's countdown that's a remarkable thing. Yeah that never happens and could they have done any better? Susie's written down deviator That's as good as 8 so it's equal
So at the end of that Sean and Victoria are in the lead with 8 Shirley special the top four little and they are two seven three ten 125 and the target five six five. Okay. So your target is five six one your time starts now Candles down Okay, so Victoria, did you get it I'm nowhere I can make seven Okay, sure, did you get it no Yeah, I kind of did get near it Okay, John. Did you get it about five hundred and sixty Oh James did you get it 500 I got Okay, um, so Sean did you get it yeah How did you get it? Well, let's think about this Just explain your message. I Reckon the 25 yep time something like three No, I reckon it's the hundred by hundred Why am I help in this book? It's 400 times twenty five hundred times 25 is 2000 Oh 100 minus 25 Yeah, and then you div times that by seven yep And that gets you to five to five then you add your three with your ten That's times three times ten Yeah, amazing, right, yeah Yeah, that's how you yes one way doing it Hi John, how did you get 564 the points? Really? You could see the cracks in that could you John 25 plus 3 25 plus 3 28 times 2 times 256 times 2. Well do one away So the end of that I can tell you that Victorian she'll have eight John the James have seven More time now to go across Victoria corner, Natalie. What have you got for us? But basically I spit on professional but I've got a voiceover Sambhav oh, I need to practice with somebody and it's for a radio feed we do it with they Yeah, sure. Okay is a bloke part that's you and we'll just play dad's rule. Yeah Yeah, sure dad hello I'm natalie cassidy and let me tell you like a lot of busy british barb stress don't half go to my bub Getting ready for a celebrity party are trying to get the kids to bed like a phoenix flare it up already Maybe I can be of assistance I'm the bomb fairy Yes, there is and whatever is wrong with your bum bum fairy all-purpose balm cream for busy moms does the trick so How can I help well? You could start by helping to carve down the hey trash that came all this after Downes When I went to later quests in a pair of fixed tights That sounds like a bummer it's Telling Beibei and it hasn't made it easier up anything Duffy but strong chairs are always. Oh It sounds like you need my soothing action Wouldn't say debate, especially these bloody piles plate up Let me take care of that. Hey spike. What did you say your davis again? I'm the bomb fairy I'm Stan I think is this whole bit just designed so I say I'm the bum fairy Your teaser the words are less barking the clue is be discreet that's less but be discreet see after the break Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were less but the clue was be discreet it was of course subtlest Okay So Sean and Victoria are in the lead over the game time for another letters round are shown in Victoria your turn to choose Can I have a consonant, please? Ah and another continent s and the continent and Foul, please. I bow you another vowel, please a Consonant to consonant Be Like Another consonant and why oh, I wish I had a coach feel a bit sick Okay your time starts now Okay 7i James, how many could have put the candle down? I got Seven seven. All right, Sean. How many? Six can't take your eyes on vacation Wish I had one like that this monster Victoria how many distracted? Yeah why it's a lovely shower cap, isn't it? Victoria how many I'll say seven? I don't know if it's a word. I don't know if I'm saying words now a person I'm gonna I'm gonna get my dressing-gown. Hang on I've done this show three times that happened twice Give me these tiny no Sure moisture sex berries berries. Ah Probably inspired by my testicles. There's another word inspired by your dick a Victory you son? Bunters is that a word Suzie don't is it a word? No, I'm afraid that's just proper now. I'm Billy Bunter. I'm sorry James you're seven "Bruisey" With an "E"? No, not there I'm afraid. John your 7? I think I was influenced by you as well Jimmy. "bustier" Natalie Cassidy off of EastEnders. Could they have done any better? Yes, there's an 8 what Susie's written down is turbines Okay. So the end of that Shauna Victoria have 8 John and James have 14 Okay, they've been playing new tune so far this game is just for John and Victoria John your turn to pick the numbers I would Like six small ones, please. No big ones coming up 305 four and seven and the target 299. Okay and your time starts now? This really helps me when you both show Come on John you prick Ask John first thing John's only gonna bloody done Esme. No, he might have if people weren't shouting at him the whole Victoria did you get it? Oh, I didn't get it. Oh Not for telly but just for my life Did you get it five fours or 20? Yep 8 plus 7 is 15. Yep, multiply them together 300 and take off the one lovely Okay, well no points 21 on that round Okay, so surely Victoria have eight John and James have 14 Ok time now to go for victory corner and Natalie, are you are you sticking around for a drink after the show I'd love to Coach charity shop. Are you donating? Yes, I just it might feel good give you the stuff to charity It's very conscientious of you. What are you what are you dropping off? Well, I mean it will change but Donald CD a very good kid dish even though I played it within an inch of its life But Jay if you're watching I am still your biggest fan. I've just got your spot find out, babe I mean it would now I Used to do be blessed being Sonia lied to him Cold air if owls could so okay It seems a shame to get rid of that. Yeah, but I thought he just looks a bit. He's looking at me funny She's always bit nod see Yeah, it's gonna be like that This Is my ten thousands of one British soap bubble widow's basket hamper basket Are you sure you're ready to let go with a box? That sounds pretty precious. Well the figures should be Past is a double country. I mean One minute. You're just a little girl flying across the gymnastics for all that paper in the wings Next minute your action on a TV set with Michael Greco Family it's a soap rewards to thousands of one and you wake up pinching yourself and there's a hamper on the doorstep for a cheese Of pickles and breadsticks of things you've never dreamt on It's so young to drink the Whitey's dad taxi And he's half cup and it's out here, but you started proud It's enough So that keep the dog toys And here is your teaser to work our fire plop, the clue is not as hard as you thought that's fire plot Not as hard as you thought see you after the break Welcome back the answer to the Chiefs of the Wordsworth fire plot The clue was not as hard as you thought it was of course floppier Okay time now for a quick bonus round Victoria hosts only connect which is the smartest quiz on TV, but this is Kats countdown So once again, we're gonna test our teams with the stupidest quiz on television Okay picture round first take a look at this Can you tell me is that a picture of James a Castor's hare or a highland cow? I Think that's a highland cow personally and if it's me It'll be the worst day of my life so James Johnny Sain highland cow Shawn and Victoria are saying James a caster. Are that are so help We've got that better be a highland cow, okay? Well, I can tell you it is a Highland cow No bit of fun for you that that picture was taken in 2016 so that ko is now dead Walk into a road you can see what was coming classic fringe accident you'll be all right on that front Time to test your celebrity knowledge Thanks. Sure look like he's gonna spark you out Time to test your celebrity knowledge Now we've got pictures of some celebrity wax works from Lois Tussauds in Niagara Falls. All you have to do is identify them So who is this? It's a feverish and frankly ill looking gentleman. Who do you think that might be? Why is that? Is that a waxwork or a person that is a waxwork of a person? Okay So what have you gone for James John Travolta? John Travolta, it's pretty good. Guess that collar doing a lot of the work there Sean. Who do you think Stevens to go? Let's have a look it is in fact Tom Cruise Okay, next once work this should be easier Oh, could you just zoom in on the name batch Fitting answering these questions with a candle in it. That's enough to make a whole John Richardson nice Okay, so who do you think Princess Anne We're seeing at different different angles either it was Art Garfunkel If you know her wax work is not brilliant when you can't tell whether it's an Art Garfunkel And Daniels, it's a waxwork Museum in in Negril Falls Yeah, it might be Helen Daniels off of neighbors as she looks now It is in fact our queen There's a waxwork for you and we try to help them along with the crazy hair they've decided our queen definitely has a Princess and was closely should get points for princess out When the Queen was going through her Prince's ANFO Okay last question which one of these is not a real person our weather presenter Sarah Blizzard spider expert and web policeman Nick Lance Dentist bath tooth Minh footballer mark de man and Vasectomy specialist, dr. Dick chopped I'm in bath tooth, man. I don't think I understand what the joke is It's called tooth Minh Well that must be real because it's not funny Like my latest DVD, we think it's policeman. Nick lads. I think is your least funny so far, dear Insult what we do but the round of applause can fuck right There's a camera on the audience I'll be watching this footage back We've all out to apply your Vologda bug search. There's an address for every one of your mother's You can expect some wobbling under your witness Okay, so you're saying the fake one is Nick lads what do you think sister you Well, I thought see as well. So if not, then be there's there's spider expert. Yeah Ii would say FN f no no you to know Wrong about my fucking DVD You're going f protecting me especially this dick chop, or I can tell you the answer is c policeman nick lads is not real Okay, so Tom attempts you are the winners of this two-piece quiz on TV five bonus points to you. Oh, yeah Okay over the game Jonah James you're to excuse the lettuce didn't enjoy that we didn't do well I'm like a racehorse Jimmy. I'm a pedigree Countdown quiz man. I'm not just some donkey you drag in just spot waxworks Okay on with the game okay, John James choose your letters have 5,000 four constants, please. Sure get along on this mouse. Hey Hey I oh Thank god M s T And H, okay and your time starts now? James a caster hemily. Did you get five five? Yeah, that's okay Oh John how many six? Sean yeah, well, that's a top countdown player a specialist not believe you say yes a racehorse The ground is not quite right for me today. I Felt that it's five Got five did your thighs? Yes Victoria how much yeah, well six again, it might not be in the dictionary, but I've got six okay, uh Your your five James apologies to people who don't like this word moist sucker ways Sean you're five they say there's no s in team la but there is in steam That's a racehorse that's a professional countdown player Okay, John your six smooth Smooth they say there's no s in muth Victoria what happened? No. No, I'm just noticed. There's an eight but I didn't say eight So let's take what was the eight that you didn't say? Smoothie. Yeah. Yeah you missed by B's dick That's not what I got that you should what did you get homies Yeah, and you can see on my homies I wondered about homies it's kind of America Emily no need you gave me yeah, but You said I think there might be a nine-letter word the way you pronounce it Saying it sounds like there's more letters in there moths Tongues too big for me about foster. IJ me Oliver tongue, isn't it? Good stuff that I could actually see through You know faux stones Live in glass houses shouldn't be you know have little pieces Okay, so the owner that Shana Victoria at 14 John and James have 25 And here is your final T, so the words are ripe nads the clue is see your doctor that's right Now see your doctor see after the break Welcome back the answer to the t's the words world ripe nads and the clue was see your doctor It was of course sprained Okay time trial final no this game Shawn Victoria your turn to choose and you can still win this. I'll have a Consonant, please s and avow Hey cousin. Take thou eight God's me Out foul, please you Consonants F a vowel, please Hey and a consonant and Elk, okay and your time starts now? shores real age 67 Suzy on the wine 69 Jones appalled 44 Oh You could both have a toaster I sure how many no, no ask John Sorry Shawn my apologies and John how many seven seven okay, how'd you feel about that Shawn? James how many definitely got six and is there a riskier one? There's a seven that I'd never heard said as a word before that I'd kind of be You're a maverick. You don't play by everyone else's rules. I'd say go for it. Sometimes I need to be reminded that Okay. So seven for John seven from James Victoria how many oh There's a definite seven seven. Okay. What about you Shawn? How many six Jimmy? He's only one less than seven Yeah, what's your sex flute Scuse me floats, I James your whiskey seven. This is not a word I put fateful sage for no sated like if you feel sated yeah, and some words end with full a Full fateful is it a word Suzy and don't be a dick about this? John your seven fullest fullest. Hmm Draw your definite seven. That's definitely a word I had fullest as well although for the sake of variety Maybe fat towel you can have in the plural only With fan okay with that case full astern sudden points to both teams Okay, naturally Cassidy, could they have done you better no Ok, so Sean and Victoria have 21 John and James have 32 Okay fingers on buzzers Piper today's countdown conundrum Bother cuz you can't win so I might as well just go back to the paddock cooldown Chow down on some oats and prepare for the next race now I may be Because I'm so trained once I look at it I'll have to die Blinkers Be careful with him when you're buzzing is well cuz he's easily startled your time starts now Ducklings ducklings, let's have a look So the fungus pull down to under the toy you have 21ip on the James are the winners with 42 Congratulations Johnny James, you'll know the crowd. I noticed the colonel down beekeeping kids Thanks for the father saw one of those TV usage the owner before if you know them that's it from us good night Gary girls All Seasons completely free stream of the box set right now on all four Ashlyn B She's got a new comedy on Channel four this way up and tonight. She's moe Gilligan's of SE + David Schwimmer the latish show up next
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James Acaster and Victoria Coren are great, nice to have them both on the show.
It's a shame they're also on an episode with the Natalie Cassidy impersonator again, which as always is more baffling than amusing.
Of all the people to base an act around... why her?
I don't get Natalie Cassidy. Is her persona a joke that requires outside knowledge to be funny?
Loved James' commitment to the bit, usually that stuff stays in the mascot round.
I can only assume that Natalie is fine with this.
God I love Jon Richardson.
That whole impersonation skit is weird as fuck. Very personal and oddly harsh. Not a fan, to say the least.
Thanks for explaining what the girl in dictionary corner was doing, as an American I was confused as to what she was trying to pull off
Sean’s voice is fried again. Poor guy. Funniest person I’ve ever come across. Love him.