How to Stop Getting Triggered & Keep the Ego in Check

we all have an ego it's just part of what makes us human and basically our ego is just our sense of self or how we interpret what's going on in our environment what's going on around us in relation to who we are it's the filter of what we make circumstances situations and interactions mean about us having an ego is not right or wrong or good or bad it just is and so you may have heard some people talking about how to kill the ego how to abolish the ego but I don't think that that should be our goal because you can't kill the ego it's just part of being human but what we can do is learn how to tame our egos how to manage our egos how to be aware of when the ego is flaring up so that we don't let it take over and create problems for us or get us into a whole bunch of unnecessary struggle which is what the ego can often do and so today I'm going to talk about seven different ways that you contain the ego so that again it's not taking over or holding you back or getting in your way or and causing issues and difficulties for you that are actually pretty easily avoidable the things I'm gonna teach are simple but they are deep and not always easy to implement so to not worry if you're like after this well this was a lot where do I start the answer is it doesn't matter start with whatever feels most doable and achievable and reasonable for you right now that's gonna be your best bet for having success and growth is if you do the things that feel the most doable given wherever you're at in your life in your growth in your healing process right now if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet please do introduce yourself in the comments section below and if you are back again I am so glad to have you back again thank you so much for continuing to show up and doing this work with me either way my name is Julia Chris and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of my membership program the shift' society which you can get more information about in the description below as well I help Heart Center Goa get our men and women break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and before we go on make sure you hit the subscribe button I think it's about right down there so that you get notifications when my new videos come out and for those of you who are my loyal Milo in my loyal community here on YouTube we've been doing this ego series we this is not where we're starting with the ego so you can go back and watch there's two other videos on ego that we've started with and this is the progression that's through that this is the third video in this ego series so this is a whole new concept for you I would recommend at least going back and watching the video that's two videos back from now starting there to get a bit of a deeper understanding about what the ego is before you watch this one or you can watch this one go back and watch that one and then come back and watch this one or you can do whatever you want because it is your life and your choice so let's talk about this ego stuff and how to manage it because yes absolutely this is if left unchecked our egos can absolutely run our lives in a lot of ways kind of start to ruin our lives if we don't get it in check if we don't learn how to manage it because like I said our ego is our sense of self and our ego can ask often puff up if it's feel if we're feeling threatened or it can shrink down even if we're feeling threatened or it can resist if we are feeling threatened because like I talked about in that other video our ego is just really about trying to protect us from vulnerability it's the shield that we put up to try to protect us from shame and vulnerability and so it does it shows up and it acts up and it actually ends up creating more problems for us because it prevents us from showing up authentic it prevents us from showing up without defensiveness with openness with curiosity the ego can really get in the way and prevent all of those things and so I'm gonna talk about what to do about it and the first thing that we can do and this is a really simple one but sometimes it's amazing how our heart it is for many of us me included I thought to really work on this part is to be open to learning to be open to learning new things even if you don't totally agree even if you think you already know everything about a certain thing allowing yourself to be open and listen before you jump into the yeah buts before you speak over and talk about why this doesn't apply to you or why you don't need to learn this or why this isn't relevant just allowing ourselves to be open to listening first to be able to receive without discounting to be able to take in new information and really let it sit for a second before we decide that it may not be for us and that's completely fair this isn't saying that you have to agree with and get on board with everything that you hear everything that you listen to everything that you learn but it is about being able to take a step back and listen we so often are so quick to speak before we actually listen we're so quick to push away before we're able to just sit with and reflect on and decide making a conscious decision without the ego threatened getting in the way without our ego feeling threatened that something new means bad and so often that's what the human brain does that's what the ego does is it thinks that new is a threat to my current state something that's new is a threat to my current understanding and so I have to push it away instead of being able to take a breath and a step back and see is this something that I could consider is this something that I could be open to and if not that's completely fine but at least I've given myself a second to consciously and curiously look at it the next thing is to not put all of our eggs in the outcome backhand basket and I'm gonna be honest with you this is something that I've worked on a lot in the last couple years because I am a goal-oriented person I like moving forward I like setting goals I like reaching goals and I love growing but I what I started to find was that I was doing these things I was reaching these goals and I was pushing pushing and then getting to the goal and then being like great celebrate for like five minutes and then okay on to the next thing and what I realized is my life became in a lot of ways just living for these moments of goal reaching and I was missing everything else in between and so I was kind of just missing out on life and only experiencing these few moments of joy and celebration when the goal is reached and the rest of it kind of just went unnoticed or at least maybe I thought that you know I just had to struggle for all this time and now I've gone to this thing and now I can feel good and I think so often we forget to allow ourselves to enjoy the struggle and to maybe not even see it as struggle but to see it as growth and evolving and learning and I've talked about this in one of my videos before that what I've learned and what has completely changed the game for me is understanding and knowing that the point of a goal is not to reach the goal which so often we think being in a very capitalistic and sort of patriarchal society that really values like success and power and and wealth and like all of these like big goals all of these big things that we think we need to get get to and achieve and accomplish and then we'll be happy and fulfilled and satisfied and as you know that is not the way that it works for anyone that rich successful powerful people are not fun mentally happier people than just regular old folks it's just not the way that it works but we think it is and we try so hard to get it which is why the bar keeps raising and we keep having to push it push and go because I think what I just need to do a little bit more well I just need you know maybe this wasn't quite enough I just need to do it you know bigger better and faster and in less time and then I'll feel satisfied so the point of a goal is not to reach the goal the point of having a goal having a dream is about what we need to learn how we need to grow what we need to unlearn how we can expand in that process and even what do we need to overcome what do we need to overcome in order to have that next level of growth that next level of understanding even that next level of success in whatever way success when in whatever way you define success so what do you need to overcome and the the kind of secret is in life it's all process we think that it's about achievement right that life is about achievement but it's not our lives are continuous state of process with moments of achievement and so if we ignore the process we're basically ignoring like 90 percent if not more maybe nineteen ninety nine percent I don't know the exact steps I'm just making this up but you know the point the large majority of our life we are missing out on the whole thing if we don't allow ourselves to be in and present with and even grateful for the process the next way to tame our ego is to let ourselves be beginners over and over again and I'm not going to lie to you this is the best part of my job because I teach I teach new people all the time these concepts from the beginning and so I get to relearn it's a little bit selfish on my part because I get to relearn the foundational stuff over and over again and the foundational information the foundational tools the foundational understandings are what build the solid foundation that's what makes us unwavering that's what makes us solid is to go back to the beginner's mind to go back to the beginner's process to go back again even in my shift Society so for those of you who are in the shift society you know this that there is a core foundational teaching in there about how to learn how the specific tools and skills to manage our minds and emotions and it's a series of eight different lessons that everyone who's in the shift' society goes through and then at the end I say okay now that you've gone through this go back to the beginning and do it again because this foundational stuff the first kind of steps those first kind of manger areas are what we need to have so good and solid before we can build any kind of structure that is going to be solid that is going to be unwavering that is going to withstand the storm and the weather and any kind of thing that kind of tries to come in and tear it down we need that strong foundation which is also something that I learned a lot from my husband so my husband is all about beginner's mind and by the way he's like he's like the least egotistical person that I've ever met I don't know what it is about this man but he does not have a big ego at all I don't even think he's some people are just born like that let's just say that some people are born you just sort of easygoing and and just more even-keeled and some of us have had to work on it but he has no shame or embarrassment in going back and doing the foundational stuff in whatever it comes to that comes to sports if it comes to dance if it come he's an engineer so if it comes to engineering going back and learning the foundational stuff letting yourself be a beginner time and time again and I remember Sochi he and I we met when we were swing dancing this was a long time ago oh my gosh it was almost 20 years ago that we met when swing dancing was a big thing white wait what was that back in like the early ish 2000s yeah about the early 2000 swing dancing and he was a really good swing dancer and I was brand-new and he was really good and a few years and we would dance together and learn together and stuff and a few years into our dancing together he said let's go back and take a beginners class I think we need to go back and take a beginners class and really just clean up the basics because when you have the basics good and solid and nice and cleaned up then you just become a cleaner better dancer overall so letting yourself be a beginner I know it's so often we think like okay I just got to get to the next step I just need to get further on it just need to go to and do the next thing which is completely fine but also letting ourselves go back and be a beginner time and time again and then the next one the fourth way to tame the ego which i think is the most important one is to work on putting defensiveness aside that so often the ego is trying to protect that vulnerable sense of self not our authentic self sense of self but this shame based sense of that self that takes everything as a personal affront that takes everything personally that makes things about us and about our worth as a human being that any bit of criticism any bit of judgment any bit of sideways glances we make it about us that we make it that there's something wrong with us and so then we get defensive and so I want to invite you to get curious instead of defensive if someone has done something if someone has said something notice the defensive miss up and then take a breath and a step back and ask yourself what am i trying to protect I am defending against something but what is feeling threatening and what am I trying to protect and is this a real threat or is this an ego threat and I go a lot more in that into the last in the last video that I did so you can go back and watch that one about ego fear versus real fear but really getting a handle on defense of this I think so often present company included we get defensive far too easily instead of just taking a breath and a step back and getting curious and reflecting and saying what am I getting defensive about and does this need to be defended because I think that if you haven't done anything wrong and if you know you haven't done anything wrong then there's nothing to defend and if you have done something wrong then again there's nothing to defend there's just accountability responsibility and apology but the defensive nichelle we I think when we think we've done something wrong but we don't want to admit it because we think that somehow that it's going to mean that something negative about us as a human being not that I made a mistake but more so that I am a mistake that that shame shows up and so the defensive 'no siz our egos way of trying to protect us from shame so really working on that one getting curious when defensive miss shows up and then the next one is to work on quieting the brain and not overthinking everything again overthinking is about the ego trying to protect us from vulnerability if I can if I can anticipate if I can project if I can plan for if I can prevent any bit of mistake or failure or anything any kind of undesirable outcome in any way then I'll be okay and so we overthink it we stress ourselves out we make ourselves anxious and worried and overwhelmed with overthinking things in order to try and protect us from being uncomfortable which is kind of ironic because we make ourselves terribly uncomfortable stressing and worrying and obsessing in order to prevent ourselves from maybe possibly becoming uncomfortable with an out that we don't want and so working to quiet the brain working to know and really just kind of realize and connect with the truth that we can handle when things don't go our way that it doesn't mean something about us as a human being if we have a failure if we make a mistake even if someone corrects us or criticizes us that we don't have to overthink and try and make ourselves beyond criticism or reproach or failure or rejection and that's what we're trying to do when we're overthinking instead of letting ourselves make mistakes letting things not go our way and knowing that we're going to be able to have our own backs if they do if they do not go our way if they don't turn out the way that we want them to if overthinking is something that you do struggle with I have a free 10-minute guided mindfulness audio that is in the description that you can grab that you can listen to it's really going to help you just be able to take a step back and not get so caught up in the hamster wheel thoughts that so many among us struggle with so grab that make sure you get it and it's for free in the description below and now the sixth way to get our egos in check and this one is a really big cliche I am so aware of how big of a cliche that it is but it is also so incredibly important and this one is to let yourself be yourself to not pretend to be something other than who you are as your authentic self and I know so often this one is really hard because most of us were raised to believe we were either taught or told or observed or absorbed or socialized to believe that you need to be or become something or someone else in order to be good enough in order to be worthy of love and belonging and so we do the ego tells us that you need to be this larger-than-life person you need to have all these things you need to look like this you need to accomplish this you need to achieve this in order to feel good about yourself but you've seen people who have achieved big things you've seen people that have accomplished big things you've seen people that have like we talked about achieve those goals and they still don't feel good about who they are on the inside so doing that inner work to become who you are in your full authenticity and this is the work that we're doing in the shift society this is a big part of that work is getting rid of that peeling back the layers peeling back the stuff the thoughts beliefs ideas programming that we've spent years observing and absorbing and replaying and we're learning how to undo that we're learning how to get rid of that we're learning how to peel back so that we can be our authentic selves without letting the ego flare up without letting all of these other things get in our way and hold us back and make us feel small and insecure and anxious that's the work we're doing so make sure you get on the wait list for the shift society that's right down there just in the description and now our final way to keep the ego in check and again this is a tough one and it might be a bit of a tough one to hear but just watch the defense of this that's the ego is - don't don't allow everything to be about you because that's what the ego does the ego makes everything about us other people's opinions other people's criticisms other people's feedback we take it as a personal affront even if it's just about the person not liking something that we did or said or walked or blinked or whatever that is I don't know what it is but we take that feedback personally make it about us the ego is very self-centered it's very much about filtering everything and making it about us and so understanding even if someone does something that is unfelt is uncaring that is insensitive maybe even Roo good or nasty or whatever that is understanding that it is not about you that every single human being is going through this world functioning at the current level of awareness the people are only can do what they can do based on what they have learned based on where they are in their healing and growth process and I know there are so many people that we wish could be doing better but they're not and so letting that not be about us I get nasty comments all the time I get nasty comments on my Instagram I get a Nestea comments on my Facebook page I get nasty comments here on YouTube but I get that people are just showing up in their current state of awareness from whatever it is that they have going on that's oh that's what any of us can ever do I look back on some of the ways that I used to behave the ways that I used to handle things way I used to understand things I salute I look back on my own defensive nasai own taking everything personally and I could judge that person I could be like oh my gosh what's wrong with her that's so pathetic or I could say hey hey past self that's where you were at based on your current level of awareness and that's all that anyone can do and so understanding I've talked about this before that nothing is personal that people are projecting from their own current state of understanding and awareness and I know it's not always easy but letting that sink in and so that we don't need to get defensive the ego doesn't need to defend against these things that are not actual threats there are only threats to the ego they're not threats to our authentic self if we know who we are authentically if we've done our ego work and we know who we are our authentic selves underneath that then that is that solid foundation that is very hard to knock over this is a work we're doing in the shift' society come and join us in there let me know what of this you found helpful what connected what made sense I would love to hear that in the comments section below it is always so good to have you here subscribe to the channel if you liked this and got something out of it please do like it because that helps it get in front of more people just because of the algorithm and also share it out that also helps it get in front of more people so that more people can have access to this kind of transformational work so good to have you here until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 58,586

Keywords: Julia Kristina Ego, ego work, how to control the ego, how to stop getting triggered, how to manage your emotions, manage your emotions, how to stop getting defensive, how to stop being defensive, defensiveness in relationships, emotionally triggered, ego explained, big ego, ego and defense mechanisms, how to not be defensive, stop getting defensive, stop being triggered, Julia Kristina Defensiveness

Id: Evj2qjpncgA

Length: 25min 13sec (1513 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 17 2020