9 Signs that You Should Say Nothing and Let it Go

is it always a good idea to address an issue that you're having with someone else is it always in your best interest or in the best interest of the relationship to say something that has bothered you that has affected you that's had an impact on you in some way and the answer is no it's not always a good idea to bring something up or say something there are definitely times when it is and I have a whole talk on that that's the last talk that I gave was all about how to know when to address something bring something up or say something to someone else about an issue that's come up when is it appropriate to do that and I give you some guidelines to go by so that you can know when to speak up but there are definitely times where it is not a good idea to it where it's not in our best interest to do so and so I want to give you some guidelines today in this talk to go by so that you know when to not say anything or when it would be a better idea not to say anything are you ready for them give them to you in just a second here but first Welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet if you're new here take a second and introduce yourself in the comment section below if you are back again it is always good to have you make sure that you say hello um if you haven't already subscribe to the channel like the video hit those buttons that would be amazing and yeah either way my name is Julia Christina and I am a registered clinical therapist research researcher a coach and the creator of my membership Community the shift Society where we are going deep in to learning how to think better feel better have better show up better live better every single day we're doing the Deep work with accountability tools and step by steps that's happening in the shift Society you can click the link below get on the waitlist so that you know when we open up registration again I help heart-centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day so how do you know when you should shut it down and not say anything when there is an issue the first guideline to go by is when you know that the person does not handle feedback well when you know that with that person saying something they are not going to handle it well and it's probably going to make things worse so they are going to blow up at you they are going to retaliate towards you they are going to get all angry and worked up it's just nothing's gonna get resolved they're not going to be able to hear you to listen to what's going on to take responsibility for their part in it they're just not going to be able to and you know that it's just going to turn into something unhealthy and unhelpful and maybe even destructive so if that is is the case and you know that that person does not handle feedback well even if it's pretty light like like hey could you just maybe not cut me off while I'm in the middle of a sentence if you know that that would cause them to explode well might be time to make new friends kidding sort of but right if you are in a close relationship with someone who is that explosive then um it might be a really one-sided relationship and you need to decide whether or not that's something that you want in your life if they cannot address things talk about things or work through anything the next kind of guideline about when to not say something is um when you know that it's not going to make a difference so let's say you have someone in your life who complains a lot like complains a lot like we all complain that's just part of Being Human I don't think even there's necessarily anything wrong with having some complaints right as long as we as brene brown puts it piss and moan with perspective right being able to say like this sucks and also you know it's not literally it's not the end of the world it's annoying it's frustrating but I'll figure it out I'll get through it or I'll just sort of you know feel crummy for now and then you know get to the other side of it after I've had my little pity party or whatever that is so I'm talking about people in your life who may always be complaining or always being you know looking at the glass half empty always finding something wrong always funding finding something that's falling short not meeting their expectations not good enough whatever that is and you find it hard because you're like wow like you know it's not like I need you to be like rainbows and sunshine all the time but you kind of pointing out all of these things that are wrong all the time is it's a bit of a downer right it's a bit of a downer and um it doesn't feel great to have conversations when it's always spinning in that direction but you know that you have said something in the past and you've said like hey I noticed that you've been complaining a lot like could we just maybe focus on not complaining so much or can we focus on some things that are going well or you know I find it really hard to be around a lot of complaining and a lot of like looking at for everything that's wrong I just I find that hard or you know like it doesn't it's not necessary to be negative all the time right and you've addressed it and nothing changes right the person's just like oh yeah sure sure sure and then you know find something else to complain about starts going off about the price of gas or you know the state of I don't even know I'm trying to think of something the state of the their their child's bedroom how clean it is or how messy it is I guess how clean it isn't right they're always kind of finding something to pick apart something to be disgruntled about no matter what you say and so if that is the case and you find that no matter what you say nothing changes then it might be a good time to be like maybe I would just won't say anything and maybe I'll just work at um kind of just disengaging um when they are being really complaining they will just work at just like not getting pulled into and just being like Oh yeah and not trying to fix it not trying to solve it not trying to change them and just being like you know what this is just their thing it's not going to change I'm just gonna not participate in it not gonna engage it not going to get worked up about it just kind of leave it and just be like that's just what they need to do right so being able to manage yourself around it instead of thinking that you need to control them around it thinking that you need them to be a certain way so that you can be okay and instead you just being like you know what I've said something it's not changing so I'm just going to work on figuring out a way for me to be okay in this circumstance or when I am around this person the next sort of guideline to know when um you don't need to say anything or when it wouldn't be helpful to say something is when it will actually like I mentioned a minute ago make things worse if that person will um take what you've said and instead of addressing it being willing to have a conversation about it they're going to hang on to it and then use it against you or even in that moment they are gonna spit back with something really nasty like you've brought something up in a respectful way you've addressed something that's bothered you and they take it really personally it's really maybe it's hit some shame in them and we all know that when shame is hit in someone who you know struggling with shame that when that shame is hit there's a possibility one of the possible reactions is lashing out in anger and so if you know that if you bring something up this person is going to lash out this person is going to get defensive they're going to get angry it's not going to help to resolve the issue by saying something then might be time to um not say something which then it could escalate even more which is the next one is when it is unsafe to say something when the person could actually become explosive aggressive or violent then it's probably a good time to be like you know what I mean obviously I'm not going to say something if you know saying something to this person is going to end up putting me in danger that's an obvious one but sometimes we need that reminder that like you know what if this person cannot handle it and they become dangerous they become nasty they become cruel they become mean they fight back hard then I'm probably it's probably a good idea to not say anything I'm gonna say no it's probably and it's a good idea to not say anything the next guideline for when to not say something is for us ourselves for you yourself when you haven't had the time to calm down and process this is such a big one this is what I teach a lot of in my master Workshop speak and feel heard about really getting clear about what's happening inside of you before you say anything and I teach you how to do that in that Workshop you can get more information about that in the description below but before you've had time to process if you're just reacting and you know that you're going to say something that you're going to regret if you're going to say something nasty or hurtful or you know you're feeling defensive so you're trying to offend in your defensive state take a second take a beat take a breath take a break process what's going on get clear on how you're really feeling what's coming up for you and then addressing it in a clean clear and classy way which I also teach in my master yeah in that Workshop speak and feel heard but it's not usually a great idea to say something in the height of an emotion in the height of anger in the height of Shame right in the height of whatever it is that's coming up for you that's going to make you react in a way that's intended to hurt or harm when you're feeling defensive and flipping out into offense so take a minute process it don't try not to I know this is like a really big undertaking and it can be really difficult to kind of do that work to stop yourself before saying something but thinking about even too like when have you said something in the height of that emotion um that has really hurt harmed or even destroyed a relationship I mean like you know what like I want to learn how to not do that and practice that probably a good idea the next guideline for when to not say something is um when saying something is intended to hurt or harm someone else when again you're so caught up in the emotion like I was just talking about where all you can see is red and all you want to do is hurt someone because you have felt hurt to retaliate because you have felt wounded you want to wound them from your own wounding and there is a way to address an issue in a clear and assertive and strong way holding your ground is different than trying to push someone else over so it doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and just be okay with everyone just be okay with everything and just lie down when someone is attacking you absolutely not but learning how to be strong and stable and assertive when that is happening in a way that holds your ground without trying to shove push kick or punch someone else over either figuratively or actually literally but more often for most of us it's figuratively when we're really trying to wound someone else then it's not a great time to say something um another time where it might not be appropriate to say something is when the relationship isn't deep enough to handle that level of authenticity right so let's say your uh boss uh didn't give you uh the praise that you were expecting for a project you just completed they didn't give you kind of the shout out the recognition or the praise and the meeting that you're hoping for and you're feeling disappointed about that uh and if you don't have that kind of relationship with your boss if it's a very kind of surface level professional relationship it might not be appropriate to then go in their office afterwards and be like you know what like that really hurt my feelings when you didn't when you didn't give me that shout out when you didn't publicly praise my effort or my result or whatever that was it really hurt my feelings because it really kind of brought up stuff from my childhood not really feeling ever good enough for my parents not really feeling recognized not feeling important and it really triggered that in me and that really yeah that really like that really hurt and I found that really um I found that really painful right now that might be something appropriate that you would say to a partner that you would say to a best friend um but probably not something that most of us are going to say to our boss and so in that case not giving that kind of full transparency vulnerability and honesty in a relationship that isn't deep enough to hold it so that's another time not to say something or being really kind of reflective about how you're going to address something and making sure that you are addressing something in to the parallel depth of the relationship so you're not going to go into kind of deep feelings and vulnerabilities and insecurities that are kind of deeper things with a surface relationship because the relationship doesn't have that capacity to hold it so when it's not appropriate to say something is when the relationship isn't deep enough so trying to figure out where that parallel is and that's how deep you go based on the depth of the relationship another time when not to say something is when it goes against someone else's boundaries so um if someone has said to you you know right now I'm going through a really hard time and you know regardless of what you think about the decisions that I'm making or what's happening with me um or where I'm at in my life regardless of what your opinions are of that right now I don't need suggestions or constructive feedback right now all I need is um support or at the very least an attempt at understanding that's all that I have the capacity for right now and while I'm going through this and so if someone has said that to you have his asset of you and they're doing something and they're making a choice that you're like oh I don't know about that like you know I have thoughts about that but they have asked you not to share those kinds of thoughts then that would be a good time to not if someone has asked you specifically not to bring something up not to talk about something not to point a particular thing out right if someone has asked you not to comment on their weight their eating habits their relationship status and you all of a sudden have a thought about that but they've asked you specifically not to comment on it then that is the time to not say something if saying something is crossing a request or a boundary that they have set another time when to not say something is when saying nothing is more powerful than saying something when not taking the bait not getting pulled in not reacting is more powerful than getting into the argument then stating your peace then trying to make them see things your way or trying to be right when you're like you know what I don't need to get pulled into this and this isn't being a doormat and just being passive this is called selective and intentional non-engagement when someone is kind of making a comment to try to get under your skin get a reaction out of you and you're intentionally just choosing to just be like you know what no not going to engage this not going to participate in this not going to take the bait not going to say anything because I don't need to and I know that saying something is not going to help it's not going anywhere positive it's not going to be good for me not going to be good for the relationship not going to be a good conversation not necessary I am going to choose to not say anything and I'm going to protect my peace as a result there are times to speak up to address to say something and there are definitely times when not to these are some guidelines for you pick one which one are you like yep that really uh I need to remember that one I'm gonna write it down put it in my back pocket write it in lipstick on my mirror whatever it's going to take for me to remember that and practice it I'm gonna do that let me know what that one is in the comment section below working on the skills for effective and assertive clear respected style of communicating way to speak and feel heard is all laid out for you in my workshop speak and feel heard the link is right down there it's always good to have you here always so excited by the humans who are here for better the humans who value the short time that they have on worth you who are here valuing the short time that you have on work on this Earth by wanting to think better feel better have better and live better and create better for yourself and for the world as a whole knowing that this individual work is not only changing within you changing things within you but it's also changing the world you show up better you show up cleaner classier with more confidence with more strength with more authenticity with more compassion it makes the world a better place be proud of yourself for that I know I am always good to have you here be good to yourselves be good to those around you until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 108,276

Keywords: speak up, address an issue, julia kristina, assertive communication, speak and feel heard, effective communication, communication skills, don't say anything, kati morton, therapy in a nutshell, emotional intelligence, feeling good, cbt skills, self-control, psych2go, youtube therapist, black and white therapist, psychologist, cbt therapy, say nothing, let it go

Id: 6SPH-agssMU

Length: 20min 19sec (1219 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 24 2022