5 REASONS Why You're NOT MANIFESTING Success... | Tony Robbins & Lewis Howes

look where i am right now because i wouldn't assemble the story that my past equals my future the past only equals your future if you live there if you're using a rear view mirror to guide yourself you're gonna crash so what you've been through is horrific what you've been through is unjust i'm on your side but if you hang on to it [Music] was there ever a moment where you didn't unconditionally love yourself and if so and if so when did that shift where you stopped that and you started saying okay i appreciate myself because of my contribution and my service and who i am what was that shift i don't think it was ever i just didn't love myself there were times obviously be angry with yourself or frustrated yourself or think you know i'm not doing enough i mean i can remember my birthdays to be honest with you probably up to my 40th birthday including my 40th birthday you know you have a birthday with a zero on it once you're over past 30 you know 35 sometimes five years on it as well people look at their life differently culturally and i just think it was but sure enough i would do it i remember turning 40 and i was really really unhappy i was like jesus i've not done enough i've not helped enough people i know tens of millions of people at that point already done all over the earth in 100 plus countries at that point but it was still kind of stuck in my head so i would earn the love by over delivering change somebody's life like i don't get it because somebody says oh i love you tony i mean i appreciate that or oh you're the greatest it's got to be my standard my standard's higher than their standard for me right so when i get up and someone's going to kill themself and it's they're suicidal and boom turn around they're no longer not going to kill themselves but they're transformed their life is there you know that's when i go okay you know now we've hit the center of what i'm made for now you know i deserve to feel this euphoric feeling within myself and appreciation and even then i still know it's god coming through me i don't have the delusion it's just me but i think sometime after 40 i finally saw the stupidity of it i accumulated enough that i looked at life with fresh eyes and i could say by the time i turned 60 a year ago i noticed it was interesting because my birthday i didn't have an ounce of it i was just like you know how could i at this stage of my life when i've had the privilege of serving so many humans in so many contexts you know from turning around you know guys going to kill themselves with ptsd to helping kids turn around to getting kids off cocaine or adults to you know help people build multi-billion dollar businesses from nothing and when i lived this long i can't go by without hearing half a dozen stories a day or dozen stories a day from people telling me how something i did change their life so it's not that i'm so smart now it's just i've stacked it by the way though stacking is the way you can do things most of us stack the negative if you are really angry it's not usually because it's just the moment it's that it happened again you know it's like if you've ever lost it or overreacted to your kid or to a friend or a business or even within yourself it's because it happened again we hit this one two three many point and then our nervous system overreacts but what i've learned is you can stack the good and but for example if you're if you go into a state of really strong anger for more than five minutes your immune system is suppressed between an hour and a half to two hours that's a physiological fact but no one had done any study i started stacking good like okay let me stack a dozen great memories feel them see them experience them and i thought this biochemical change that didn't just last a half hour an hour or 10 minutes it went on for a day or two and so i think i've learned to stack the good so just having the experience is not enough you got to stack the good to be able to appreciate it but i i think just come back to the main point here from my perspective which could be completely just my perspective so i want to point that out i think the more you find unconditional love for others the easier it is to find in yourself and i think the focus is serving and loving and that's what will get you the point where you start doing it but if you want to speed it up stack all the good you've done you'll feel great about yourself i already know all the comments that have come through thousands of comments tell me but what about my family that's toxic what about my partner who is toxic and how do i love someone unconditionally when they don't respect me i can't trust them what about situations all those reactions are natural human reactions from ego because it's all about you me me me what i'm not getting what i'm not doing and that's why you're in pain and so don't i'm not telling you like i haven't done this but i've done it too in the past but it's an old pattern i don't really do anymore and it used to affect me now not a dominant one i wouldn't have become who i become early in my life i developed this belief that life is calling not to give me something life is calling for me to deliver things for me to bring something to life and i felt the the joy that came from not getting but giving and i got hooked on that core pattern and then the pattern of learning so i'd have something to give which i know one things i respect about you louis is that you have that same pattern in you you're you're always trying to learn more because underneath it all you also want to give it you want it you want it for you but you want to share it right and so those patterns help me not be and what they're not giving and all this language language today people don't understand the power of their language like toxic what the hell are you talking about you've been wanting too much social media and thinking about yourself or somebody raised you to constantly judge your videos we live in a culture now where people you know you're evil or you're like me that's basically how it is right the whole world everybody else does it more unless they do what you do think what you think experience you think i mean being a liberal i was a liberal right being a liberal growing up meant you i would i would fight for your ability to say and believe whatever you want different than me today now everybody wants everybody to think the same thing otherwise they're evil or otherwise they could hurt me whatever happens sticks and stones will break your bones and words will never hurt me we have this whole thing that words are evil words are action word it's and all it does is make you incredibly weak as a human being and you're more than that we all are more than that but you know what like a kid that's never broken their bones definitely afraid of breaking the bone but if you're a kid and you're rough and dumb you broke multiple bones and they heal you don't have any fear of it there's so many kids that have been raised to be safe and secure every moment anything that's insecure or unsafe they don't want to be a part of including language and what it does is make you incredibly weak and fearful and that's why there's so many people that are abundant that are angry all the time because they're angry because they're not growing so don't get me wrong i know some people are not a good influence i'm not denying that i'm just saying you're more than somebody's influence unless you obsess about it every moment and make them wrong so you can make yourself feel superior morally psychologically or spiritually that's stop the pattern we've all done it catch yourself because if you want joy happiness and freedom and extraordinary life it will not come from blame never there's no pride that comes from blame i don't mean fake pride when you make to feel good i'm talking about real pride pride is something you earn like people tell me oh i have no self-esteem because my parents used to say this or they'd say that i'd say that's such i'm not saying it's both they didn't say that i said it's that's why you're self-esteem self-esteem does not come from what people say about you self-esteem comes from what you experience about yourself see someone tell your whole life you're a piece of crap and part of you goes you're full of it i'm gonna show you lots of people have done that they never bought it or someone tell you're beautiful your life you go i'm not really beautiful so what people tell you doesn't matter at all it's what you stack it's what you assemble it's what you create it's the habit of what you put in your head and today i don't blame you because we got a whole culture that's always blaming somebody else for something in their life but blame is not a strategy for pride that's why you listen these blaming people they're all angry all the time listen if i wanted to blame i grew up in an environment i didn't even share it to my mom past and even then i didn't share i grew up in a pretty rough environment my mom was a beautiful soul but when she drank alcohol and she mixed it with prescription drugs it was a different creature and it was a violent creature and i have a younger brother five years younger and a younger sister seven years younger and my mom would get nuts and i didn't want them to get hurt so i was five one in high school she grabbed me about here and smashed me against the wall until i bled now i never shared this and i'm not denigrating her in any way i only shared it like four or five years after she died um because i was talking a group of kids in new york city all without fathers um 80 african-american about 20 hispanic out of their group roughly no white kids and i'm talking about your biography is not your destiny and it doesn't matter what you've been through what you decide now is what's going to control your life what you decide each day going forwards inside your life and i me i can read their minds this big tall white rich guy is going to tell me biography doesn't matter so i said you let me tell you my story and i told them the whole story way more than i'm telling you and every one of them was crying their eyes up when they're done i said look where i am right now because i wouldn't assemble the story that my past equals my future the past only equals your future if you live there if you're using a rear view mirror to guide yourself you're going to crash so what you've been through is horrific what you've been through is unjust i'm on your side but if you hang on to it you have no future and you have no one to blame but yourself and these kids to their credit man they just responded to the challenge because they first cried their eyes out hearing all the stories my mom would think i was lying and i wasn't lying she poured liquid soap down my throat until i threw up and i wasn't lying so it's not the physical abuse it's the fact that this is the person you love most that's trying to hurt you that messes with your head so i could have been messed up for life but i didn't because something inside me says i'm responsible for this life and part of that's because i started reading when i was 13 14 biographies of people the greatest people in history and reading their lives and finding out guess what their lives were far from perfect some of them had worse lives than i had but when you have no reference and all you just go online you talk to other people making everybody else toxic and i'm like this and they didn't do that then you get to have the she life just like those other people why are they online so much because they don't have a life right don't be one of those free yourself from the chains of your past i'm not saying your past doesn't matter but listen my mother i tell people this all the time and it's the truth if my mother had been the mother i wanted to be the mother she should have been i would not be the man i'm proud to be today because i had to become a practical psychologist way before any schooling figure out when's she going to go in the mood how do i change your state how to protect it from the kids what are we i mean it was felt life and death and it was to some extent so i developed skills at such a young age that when i learned things i just added to my skills but i had a core sense of certainty that i could turn anybody around because it started with my mother and thank god for her and she encouraged me in so many ways she did so many great things and she loved me even though it didn't look like it at times so all right but if your parents if the people around you said all the things you thought they should have if they had just not been toxic if they'd encouraged you you wouldn't have any muscle and right now you don't have any muscle because you're using that as an excuse if you're thinking that and i'm not attacking you brothers and sisters i'm calling to you because i know you're more otherwise i just keep my mouth shut we're just you've been hypnotized by a culture of weakness now having said that i'll say one last thing i know you haven't got other questions but it's so important what you ask yes there are people that you don't want to hang out with that will not serve you but then move on don't sit there and talk about it constantly don't waste your time and you say but what if it's family tony mine was family too you learn to grow you go there in my life if someone can get your goat if someone can piss you off if someone can make you feel less than that's god coming to you saying grow you need some spiritual growth there's got to be some change in your perception your belief your emotions your spiritual look of life so that can't happen anymore and when it happens like at 61 i've been through so many of those things and i like to do things in mass i took on big challenges so i'd have to grow more but then life throws them at you too when they come you just go okay it's gonna have me until i grow what needs a shift in me so that no longer has an impact but you know jim rohn used to say my original teacher he used to say tony what happens if i've got a cup of coffee here and he'd say what if your worst enemy drops sugar in your coffee what's going to happen and i go well you have sweet coffee and he goes what if your best friend your mother your father your brother your sister your loved one drops one drop of strychnine i said you'd you'd be dead he goes that's right life is both sugar and strychnine so watch your coffee this whole thing was stand guard at the door of your brain but some people take it and go oh my god you can kill me it was a metaphor these people are not so toxic they're toxic because you give them energy so if your mom's crazy and constantly criticizing you and it drives you nuts just go that's my mom that's her way of showing love and i find a new perspective and no matter what she does just stay in a beautiful state and love on her and think boy think of all that she cares and feels for all that she's frustrated in life or all that she's going through that's made her this way think i don't have to go through this i can love her it's like your growth is the only limit to your happiness if you're not happy you're not growing in some area and usually it's a place where you're blaming you're pointing the finger i don't care if it's government don't get me wrong people can be unfair unjust that's for sure happens but you can't control that you can't make it not happen what you have to do is become stronger than any of it so you're free freedom comes from growth freedom does not come from control because control is an illusion you can't control everybody no matter how hard you try you can't control what they think or feel and not everybody's going to be fair and just and you my dear friends and i have not always been fair and just whether we admit it or not it's just the nature of being a being a human being but we can make the largest pattern fair and just and loving and powerful and serving and growing until it becomes the dominant thing inside you and then you experience life as being great not your great life's great because you're living a great path it seems like what i'm seeing and hearing from a lot of people that this past year everything has fallen apart for them their health their relationships their finances their mission or purpose and these their spiritual awareness like every area of life has been in breakdown mode for for some people not everyone some people have had incredible lives and have stepped up to the occasion and broken through on all these things but i'm seeing a pattern of a lot of people breaking down in many areas hypothetical scenario let's say you you could only focus on one thing to get you started you only have the time and energy to focus on one of these areas your health your relationships are all breaking down your finances you're in failing failing everywhere where should people lean into first to kind of create that foundation so that everything else can start to rise as well i think before you answer what to do you're gonna answer why you're there it is not because of the pandemic i remember when 9 11 happened and people tell oh my god our life was destroyed because of 9 11 and there were people in the same building who turned their life around became grew spiritually closer to their family made their businesses larger and the same building burned down um i know in my case you know 911 comes if you can imagine you know i'm fortunate to have now more than 80 companies and all these different industries and obviously you know i've done pretty darn well but by most people's standards of business and life but my core mission is what i do for a living that's why i'm here talking to you right now it's getting people to be free and alive and have the level of fulfillment that they deserve to have i know they desire but i also believe they deserve to have but to deserve to have it you got to do certain things right and so you're not in the place of being overweight because you lost your job so stop the bull blame blame is not a strategy for a meaningful life blame is not a strategy for greatness so you've got to resolve that number one and then your question was what's the one thing to focus on if you only focus on one i think it's smart to focus on one thing primarily focus on too many can be overwhelming other people it's good to focus on multiple things it depends on your personality so i wouldn't presuppose but then the answer would be whichever thing you're most desirous of changing whatever thing is giving you the most pain so if it's your relationship i'd go full force on that now in the world we're in today you know you don't usually have the the privilege of going okay i want to work on just being happy well i can train you to be happy while hell's breaking loose you can sit in this chair and be totally euphoric but if you do that in a western culture people come and take your furniture right so you probably have to work on both your business or financial side and some personal side i would be working on both and to me the way to attack that if you're not sure which area is to start with the body and i know you can relate to this lewis because you and i both share this in common it's like i always teach physiology first as you well know if you change the body you'll change the emotions if you change the emotions you'll change your decisions you'll change the quality of your life because the quality of life is your emotions it's not what you get you have a billion dollars and commit suicide people have done it right you can have beautiful relationships and commit suicide you can have people loving you and be sad all the time our pattern of emotion is our home and you have to upgrade your home you have to train it and one way to train it is the emotion comes the way you move the way you breathe the way you speak so if i said to your listeners uh there's a depressed person behind the curtain over here and i'll give a hundred thousand dollars to their favorite charity if they had to describe their body their posture and they're depressed you tell me i'll just use the example what does that person look like they're this lunch down they're looking down at their feet they're not looking upward their their shoulders are over they're are they breathing full or shallow do you think they're shallow are they talking fast or slow they're talking pro if they're depressed they're probably talking fast because they're not calm well no that's usually stressed depressed is different than stressed they're slow they're probably talking low volume slower than and all those physical characteristics change your biochemistry towards this feeling of being depressed and then depressed that you won't do anything when i used to be depressed i don't get it anymore i just took it out of my life i even took the language of it out of my life because the words you create create a biochemical response but when i did that decades ago because i was like having those thoughts like is there a reason to still be here that kind of crazy in your head i got out of it by using anger originally i'd much like sometimes if somebody's really sad or depressed i'll make them angry and be like what's he doing he's making him angry because angry is much more resourceful than depressed from anger i can get into laughter i can get you know taking action i so and then gradually i got what i didn't need anger it was about growth it was about contribution was about meaning so there's like stages to go through but to answer your question they should work on both their business side of their life and personal one of each and in order for either one of those to work you need to be in a strong emotional state and if you start with your body like you know i start every morning in my cold water starting morning with my workout i started every morning on feeding my mind right so there's certain things you got to do physically so you're strong enough to remember the truth because remember fear is physical you feel your throat your gut so it's courage courage doesn't mean you're not afraid it just means you're strong enough you push through in spite of the fear right and courage feels different in the body so when you go lift or you go for a sprint or a strong run or you jump in that freezing water when you push your mind to go beyond what's comfortable you feel a strength inside you and that strength will help you to change your body your emotions your relationships whatever but then the other thing i want to say is model someone who's successful don't just do this by trial and error like find somebody who has what you want ideally maybe more than one person two or three and see what are they doing different than you in their relationship what do they believe different than you about relationship if it's their body what are they doing they're not lucky they're doing things differently you might be slightly biochemically different but there's patterns there that you can see and so instead of learning by trial and error which can take decades you may never learn jim rohn taught me success leads clues man find someone's got what you want study what they do every aspect of it and then add yourself to it and that's the pathway to speed of transformation so now like you know i've done it i'm not the only person there's so many companies that went from worse off than they'd ever been in their history to the best off because they found a way to pivot but that required a psychological piece of not blame so maybe it's time for you to think for yourself and model what works instead of just what you're told that's something to consider for yourself [Music] you've shown that you have the financial freedom but you didn't always have financial freedom in fact when you were growing up you were really poor right extremely extremely poor we had no money for at thanksgiving for food it's part of why last year i fed i started feeding when i was 17. i started feeding families because i was fed when i was 11. and i've had two families literally and it was so moving i said i'm going to double it i went to four and then to eight and then it was like a game to see could i reach more people and then i started with some of my employees and then eventually i got two million people a year then two million then i started matching my foundation with two million so for 12 years i fed uh four million people a year and then when i was writing this book i'm interviewing if you can imagine all these people start with nothing in our multi-billionaires at the same time congress cut food stamps called snap now but it was food stamps originally by eight billion dollars so it's equivalent to give you an idea of every family that's being supported giving up all their meals one week out of every month for 12 months so i decided i wanted to do something about it so i got a 5 million advance of the book i gave all the money to feeding america and then i said if i want to feed 100 million people what i got to do so i wrote a much bigger check and now i'm so uh we did 102 million people last year but now i'm going to do 100 million again this year and i got a plan to feed a billion people over the next 10 years so i'm um it's so full circle from where i began it's crazy and it's uh it's an incredible privilege to be able to make a difference like that how is why is it important to be thinking of giving and contribution in order to generate wealth when people say that well i don't have much to give i'm barely making enough to pay my rent my food how can i have the mindset of giving in order to build wealth what would you say it's it's the only you never get beyond scarcity you got to start beyond it you got to plant your feet and you know so many people say well when i'm rich i'll get some money if you won't give a dime out of a dollar you're not i can promise you're not going to give 10 million out of 100 million not a trillion years so if you but if you start what i always believe is it it transforms you when you i had a group of kids that i went to like when i was 31 years old i was invited to this grade school in houston texas and i each grade did a little mini assembly for me of what they had to use my stuff you know at that year and at the end i was really emotional and i was like you guys asked me to come inspire you you've inspired me and so the sixth graders only done it for one year and i said i'm going to sponsor your college educations i had no idea i was going to do it i didn't have the money to do it i was 31 years old wow i was doing well but not that well and i said i'm gonna pay for your college education i said here are the rules of the game and i just made it up i was right there i said you got to keep a b average i'll get you mentors there's no excuse not to be above average you gotta not use drugs you not get yourself in prison and you got to give me 20 hours of community service a year wow and the reason i did that i don't have a college education but i knew if i got these kids who thought they needed something to be the ones to go give something it would change their identity would change their life more than college right and ironically i think we had 70 kids originally i lost 95 kids i was gonna lose i lost the first year like 30 kids and the reason was their parents did not want them to have to do community service they said they should be receiving they shouldn't have to work and it was just staggering to me but the ones that did it i mean some have phds now went through that process so i really believe that the secret to living is giving as corny as it sounds i had an experience where i was driving on the 57th freeway not far from here in san gabriel valley and it was midnight i was driving my 1968 volkswagen bug baja bug and i was been in business for you know a year year and a half and i was working my guts out and i was so frustrated because you know i always say that most people overestimate what they can do in a year and they underestimate when they do in a decade or two or three right so i've been working for this year and a half as hard as i work and nothing was working the level i wanted i was so frustrated i was mad with myself i was mad with the environment i was feeling overwhelmed and stressed it's midnight i'm exhausted and all of a sudden this thought hit me and i literally pulled over the side of the road and i've always kept physical journals i still have the journal of this day and i wrote on this one whole page the secret the living is giving and i sat there and i cried because i just realized my life for the last year had gotten focused on why isn't it working instead of how do i give more and i made that shift and it was the most important shifts in my entire life and for probably a year things started to get better and then you know you're in business you make mistakes you know to you know as young young kid and i found myself all of a sudden in a 400 square foot bachelor apartment i'd lost the progress that i'd made and i was so broke that i wrote about this at the end of my book because i was trying how do i get this thought across to somebody and the most seminal moment for me was i had i don't know 21 22 whatever it was to my name i'm living in a foreign bachelor apartment i'm feeling sorry for myself i'm watching luke and laura on general hospital i mean i was a mess i was a total mess and i realized i've not paid my rent and i'm out of money and i don't have any prospects for some new cash in the short term how am i even going to eat so i decided to go to this all-you-can-eat salad bar that they had around the corner this place called el torito still there marina del rey and i lived in venice so it was about a three mile walk i didn't take the car because i'm gonna pay for parking you know for the gas and i walked there and i went in and i had this meal right basically loaded up for the winter i you know i eat plates of food just tacos and salads and everything else and while i was sitting there there was this little boy that came in he opened the door and he was wearing this little vest this little suit and he i don't know probably nine years old something like that you know eight nine ten and and he held the door open and in walks behind him this beautiful woman who was clearly his mother and so you know i definitely took it in and then he sat down he pulled out the chair for her and he was just so attentive to his mother and he was just so with her that honestly i was moved and so i finished my meal and then i got up then i paid the bill and i was like six dollars in those days you know for all you could eat salad or whatever it was and so i had whatever's left 17 18 19 and i walked over this little boy before i left and i said hi and i introduced myself i said i'm tony and he told me his name was paul or whatever it was i don't remember his name this little boy i said paul i said you are class act i said i saw i held the door open for your woman i saw you pulled up the chair for her i said taking her out to lunch like that that is really cool and he goes well she's my mom right and i said that's even more cool and i said taking her lunch because well i didn't take her to lunch he goes you know what i think he said he was eight or nine so i'm nine years old i don't have a job yet yeah and i said yes you are taking her to lunch and i reached in my pocket and i took all the money i had left whatever it was 17 18 19 and i dropped it in front of him i had no plan to do this it wasn't like manufactured i wasn't trying to impress this woman and he looked up at me like shocked and he goes i can't take that and he said sure you can he said how come i said because i'm bigger than you are right and he laughed like crazy and i didn't even say another word i just walked out the door didn't even look his mom you didn't get her number huh no i didn't get her number and i got to tell you it was the most powerful experience of my life because i didn't walk home i kind of flew home and i should have been like what is the matter with you you have no money for food you get the last little pennies you have left but i had no fear i had no scarcity and i got home and i realized what i'd done it was like i have no money now i've like no money nothing right i was trying to conserve by going there you know and i don't i don't know that i just saw i've worked on a plan i figured i'll make some i'll figure this out and the next day i got the old snail mail and came in around like noon and i pulled out this letter and there was a a young man that i had loaned 1200 to and he had not paid me back and i was desperate for cash i probably called him 10 times trying to track him down not a single response and i was so hurt and pissed and here's the letter from this guy saying i'm really sorry i know you've been trying to reach me i've been avoiding you and here's the money you are and i'm going to give you some interest as well so i got at that point that was like more money than anything and so once again i'm sitting there tears going down my face i'm an emotional character and i just thought to myself you know why did this happen and i chose to believe i don't know if it's true but i chose to believe that it's because i let go of trying to just take care of myself i did what was right i didn't plan it i did it spontaneously i saw it that felt right to me i did it and i felt no scarcity and i can tell you i've had plenty of tough times you know 18 companies and 12 i manage actively i got 1200 employees on multiple continents we do 5 billion a year in sales across different industries now i mean it's a different world for me now but since that and i've been near bankruptcy multiple times in companies and things like that i didn't i pulled it off always never went bankrupt but i faced really tough times i never went back to that level of scarcity not since that day so it's a long way of saying when you have nothing is when you need to give you know if you're going to wait till you think you have something you're never going to have something of any size or scope there's something inside the human psyche that when you do what's right and you get outside of yourself there's something that'll click for you and also you know tithing is a perfect example i don't know anybody regardless of religious belief who's tied 10 of their income for a decade and not prospered massively and sir john templeton was the first billionaire investor was the first person who said that to me so tony i know you tied but he said tithe more he said do more give more and he said you'll receive more just how it works and i found it to be absolutely true really you're continuing to give more and more every year yeah well i was thinking i was writing checks for five million bucks let me work on a book for four years and give up all the profits and then i want to feed more people's or with another big check above that so and now i'm doing it this year i'm gonna do it for the next ten years amazing um if you can only have if you've got to strip them all away you can always use one strategy or one thing to use what would that be i wouldn't okay part of why i'm effective is because i don't buy that i'm always looking for more strategy because one strategy will work with one person not with another um but philosophically i would say that uh the capacity to strengthen and increase your hunger is the one common denominator amongst the most successful people you know you know richard branson's good friend of mine and peter guber steve wynn all these guys they've never lost their hunger most people are hungry to achieve a certain amount make a certain amount of money and then they get comfortable and relax or to get a certain level of fitness and then they relax but you know richard is as driven today as when he was 16 years old starting i mean he's like on fire and he's 65 years old warren buffett is 85 years old he's as driven today as when you know he began the journey right and so people that have that hunger i believe intelligence i love people that are wickedly smart and i work to be wickedly smart by educating and training myself and so forth and training my brain but intelligent there's a lot of intelligent people can't fight their way out of a paper bag right absolutely hunger is the ultimate driver because if you're hungry you can get the strategy you can get the answer if you can't model it you can find it so hunger modeling would be maybe the next best skill knowing that success leaves clues like why reinvent the wheel if someone took the this plane uh was uh mickey's plane who owns the miami heat and owns carnival right i mean you can learn so much from them like mickey blow your mind what this man has been able to do in his life and so why would i go learn by trial and error and maybe take 10 or 20 years when i can learn from somebody in a few weeks or a few months or a few hours something that could save me a decade that's what it is that's why that's why i read 700 books in the first seven years because i was like if somebody takes 10 years their life they pour into a book and i can read that an hour two or three or four why wouldn't i so how does someone continue to stay hungry how are we you know rediscover what they're hungry about the best way is get around where it's better and things will hit you say it again get around where it's better and things will hit you who you spend time with is who you become so you know when i started coaching all these billionaires you know there's a part of me that said i you know i i'm as smart in certain areas as they are i got to step my game up it's not about the money it's about how can i take the invisible and make it visible how can i find a way to add more value to other people to such an extent where economics are not a question whatsoever and then i can take those economics and do even more where i'm not there i look as money as portable power i can leverage my money to do things for people even when i sleep i love doing these for people and i work 18 20 hour days still but it's really nice to have the leverage of that as well sure sure um in a few senses what would you say is your current vision for life what's what's the vision you have and what's the legacy that you want to leave behind i saw uh have you seen hamilton the play in new york i hear it's incredible because everyone is raving about it you've seen it right nick yeah it's amazing it's an extraordinary it's amazing yeah i i loved it i thought it was a lot might be a lot of hype but it was as good as the promise there's a line in hamilton that i thought was really interesting it says legacy is planting seeds in a garden that you'll never see and that was really interesting um but so for me i know yeah for me it's human lives for me it's it's i love my life is about being a blessing in the lives of the people i meet i hope that whoever decides to watch your video um i hope something here will strike them and they can say you know i gotta get in proximity or i gotta raise my standard or i'm gonna go master my damn money i'm not gonna dabble i hope that it stimulates someone in a way where it becomes a blessing in their life and my legacy is the lives that i've touched and my legacy is the institutions that i'm building right now that when i'm gone will continue to touch people my foundation the work that i'm doing with mentoring with kids um i mean the ability to touch another generation but my heartfelt prayer every day is be a blessing and you know what's interesting sometimes you're a blessing just by giving somebody a few moments just by loving on them just being them sometimes you're being a blessing because you coach them or you intervene with them um you can be a blessing in so many ways but that's my daily focus and it's not what i'm going to build for the long term it's really what am i going to do right now why is that and why do you want to create that legacy um again it's less about legacy than it is about doing what i'm made for while i'm here and maximizing i you know i want the end to have me i want to be climbing the mountain when i die not sliding so to me it's about growth and it's about giving those the only things that fulfill human beings i always tell people if you want to be happy it's one word progress if you can make progress and if your progress is not only within yourself but it's actually doing something of value for more than yourself you're going to be a damn fulfilled person yeah how do you stay grounded in your personal and intimate relationships when everyone wants a piece of you you know you sell out events 10 20 30 000 people come to your conferences pay tens of thousands of dollars um everyone wants to interview you uh you're coaching presidents billionaires world-class athletes they call you they want you to help them break through the next level how do you stay grounded in your marriage or with your kids or with you know friends my mom my mom's craziness gave me a great gift um i wanted to be a professional athlete and i want to be a professional baseball player and when i got cut from the junior high school team i figured out i'm in trouble so i decided to become a sportscaster a sports writer and so i took typing when i was in junior high school i was the only boy in an all girl shorthand class so i could capture everything because i wanted to be the best reporter best sportscaster i interviewed howard cosell and woody hayes and dodgers and rams i got a job working for a daily newspaper when i was 13. and then i got this huge break which was i got these interviews no one had like joe namath when he was so famous i got these interviews and uh here in l.a kttv channel 11 is now a fox channel um they were trying to get viewership and so they kept trying different kinds of sportscasters they even tried fanny fox the stripper and somebody watched some interviews i did and went holy this 14 year old kid i was about to be 15. he's brilliant he's getting interviews nobody else is getting you know so they called me up and they offered me the job to be the nightly sportscaster at as i was turning 15. wow and i was out of my mind like the dream i was gonna have when i was like 25 or 30 was happening you know i'm gonna be 15. and my mom said to me your ego's too big and if i let you do this you're gonna even get bigger and she not only would not let me take the job she made me quit my job working for the progress bolton which was a daily newspaper in pomona california doing sports and i hated her and i was devastated but it created a sensitivity inside of me that that that along with i think watching athletes who would not sign a card for a kid because they were making money selling cards would make me so angry that i said i'm never going to be one of those people and so i'm not you know i certainly have plenty of pride in what i've been able to accomplish and people have been to help but i always know i'm just a guy and while i've worked my ass off i've also had grace in my life you know and it i think when you achieve things it comes from incredible obsessive focus massive action and figuring out the how to execute and do things effectively in its grace and i never forget that that's a part of the formula for where my life is today do you think people need a little bit of ego to have that kind of drive and insanity or obsession or is it more just belief in a bigger vision i think um you know ego can produce drive but that kind of ego will make you not be fulfilled yes and um and we all have it until we get a few hammers because in the beginning when you're young especially a young man i think even more so than a woman you know you're trying to find yourself you're trying to prove yourself to the world and really you're trying to prove it to yourself like in the very beginning for me i used to attack psychiatrists and psychologists because i care about people so much and because i learned how to handle them in an hour and they're working with someone for seven years and i just go crazy but i was also attacking them because i was also defensive because i didn't have a degree and so i figured i'm gonna be on the offense i'm gonna show them but as i grew up i realized holy these people care just as much as i do now i've trained a hundred thousand therapists around the world with my partner chloe madonnas who make films of people's lives like suicidal people people who've been through hell and you get to watch how i do it as i do it and then you can see them two years later to know it really worked right um do you ever question choices or decisions you make today okay and does does everything you touch turn into what you want it to be no of course not no no um failure is part of life i mean uh the difference for me though is i look at failure as a stepping stone to success it's a speed bump i know i'm gonna fail um but it's not failure if you learn something and so gosh i've made so many mistakes i've screwed so many things up but every time i do it just becomes it becomes a way for me to explain to someone else what it takes you know it's like here's what i've done i think i have the ability to influence people because i talk about my failures i talk about all the things that mess me up but i show people that i didn't let it stop me and you don't need to stop you and i think i think that's really the secret that area and if everything you touched was successful you probably won't be able to relate to people as much no you'll be related and also it's be total and everyone knows and also you'd be bored silly i mean think about it if you just said i want this to happen i want this and it happened you know people don't value what they don't fight for you know it's like you see kids sometimes in it you know your parents will say you're not going to value this if you don't work for it and you're kidding i'll value it just give it to me right but it's true you know the things we've worked the hardest for we value the most so i think you know the purpose of the goal is not getting it anyway the purpose of goal you know is what who you become who you become is going to make you happier it's going to make you sad so um i'm not looking for an effortless approach there's no such thing um now i'm curious about relationships and building wealth is it important to or how important is it to have the right partner in a marriage or an intimate relationship and relating to building wealth does it matter who you choose their mindset um does any of that play the effect on how much you're going to make or it won't affect how much you make but it'll take out your relationship a lot right you know getting on the same page is really really important but when my wife and i met my wife we both grew up very poor but i decided that i was gonna find a way to add so much value that money would never be a question for my family and you know it would never stop me from giving or doing or sharing anything and i made that decision early on so i became an earner ways of earning she became a negotiator a cost manager her mom's number one thing is somebody comes in sharpen your pencil that's not a good enough deal and so when we first met i remember we were we're in new york city and this dates me how old i am but i remember when they first came out with digital cameras the very first digital cameras from sony and it was like such a cool thing you could take 12 pictures or whatever it wasn't those things but we were down in um new york city we're in times square and we went into one of those camera shops it was christmas time and i saw the camera and i was like so excited about this camera and i said you know what we get one for my brother my sister my mom and you know i came up with i don't know i was like 12 cameras and they were very expensive then i think they're like 1200 or 2000 dollars each they were really crazy now they're like 200 for the same yeah they're not even it's a million times better but i went to the counter and the guy goes oh my god tony robbins can i take a picture with you i'll put on the wall and say i said sure and she goes hey she goes sharpen your pencil what kind of deal you're going to get my boyfriend here and i wanted to grab her by the throat and just go what are you doing here it's like what are you doing and she's like no no what's the deal here and he goes oh well uh i give you 10 off she goes sharpen your pencil 10 you're not taking a picture of my boyfriend and i'm wanting to murder her right and i was so mad i mean i was so mad and so she got like 15 off and free camera cases and all this stuff and i'm shaking my head we left i was like i am so we have this big fight wow today i just call her squeaky she's my squeaky girl she wants to go to walmart as if we'd ever need to go to walmart you know and what i do is i'm delighted by the difference and i go you know what what a beautiful gift i've been in relationships before where i gave everything and the people were totally unconscious with money so they answered your question it's nice to be on the same page but you know i one day i told my wife i was coaching someone and the person gave me a quarter of a million dollar bonus i don't care who you are it's mind-boggling it was like he didn't have to it wasn't part of the deal he pays me a million dollars a year plus a piece of the upside and you said you did so much for me i just want to give you this additional quarter million dollar bonus and it wasn't the money it was the generosity that just knocked me off my chuck seat and so i called my wife i said honey paul gave me a quarter million dollar bonus i mean it's like he's so generous and she goes oh that's nice honey hey do you know what i'm making for lunch and i'm like wow you know so i used to get upset about it now i'm like that's my squeaky little girl's i'm thrilled she doesn't have to think about it i'm in charge and so i don't think your partner has to one of you has to master it and you have to have some alignment okay right but you don't want them to be against you essentially well sometimes they're going to be we were against each other in some ways we're having fights but will you eventually decide is do i want to be right or do i want to be in love [Laughter] i'd rather be in love personally right and then also i just said you know i'd say listen honey i'm i i understand your intent i had to go to her intent instead of being frustrated with her saying this is really actually a cool quality and she's my opposite in that area and it's a we're a good we're a good balance together [Music] if you let the outside world control you you're toast because when anything goes wrong it's in control when you control from the inside like we're in control of ourself we're in control of our world so it doesn't matter what happens you figure out how to get to where you're going the goals don't change sometimes the methods of getting there do but [Music] i have never i think probably i had a great teachers i had a half a dozen phenomenal mentors and i think i was raised the right way you stay in control regardless you know yeah what would you say are some of the habits that you have that people wouldn't expect that you would have maybe they would expect certain things like waking up early or journaling or you know getting eight hours of sleep but what are some habits that you do differently that maybe are unexpected in the personal growth space i study every day every day um i've studied every day now for 60 years i started to study this book in 1961 and i read it every day same book think and grow rich i have uh just here behind me i've got the laws of success the original ones that napoleon hill wrote in 1928 and then he came up with this in 1937. and the man that gave it to me he said if you'll study this every day he said you're going to have a wonderful life and he pointed out napoleon hill spent his whole life studying the lives of 500 of the world's most successful people he was mentored by andrew carnegie who at the time was the wealthiest man in the world and he said since he spent his whole life putting this together he said it would be a prudent move on your part if you spent the rest of your life trying to understand and apply what he is teaching and right you know that just seemed to make some sense to me and that's what i started doing i've never stopped if there was only one principle inside of think and grow rich that you could only live by and only talk about and you wouldn't be able to talk about anything else inside the book what would that one principle be persistence you said there he said in the book he said there may be no heroic connotation to the word but the quality is to the character of the human like what carbon is to steal see i think the trick louis is get some good habit patterns and live with them all of your life because you're either going to grow or you're going to die it's uh it's create or disintegrate there's no such thing as leveling out and staying where we are and some people think they can just hold it where they're at but they can't do that you're either going to go ahead or you're going to go backwards it's create or disintegrate and so if you have good habits you're going to keep growing back i think around 1938-39 albert ian gray worked for the prudential and he wrote the common denominator of success it's a great article and he said the common denominator of success is informing the habit of doing things that failures don't like to do and he was speaking one time the young guy said why do successful people like doing these things and he said they don't that's why they've turned them into habits i thought that was beautiful because that's why they've turned them into habits they don't like doing them you see and of course what do you think well a habit is something we do automatically without any conscious thought we just it's part of our paradigm we're programmed what do you think are the three most difficult habits to develop that actual will actually will support us for the most growth long term if we can take these habits on one of they think the most difficult is repetition of studying the same thing um i have a uh a book here on my desk it's in a book holder and when i went to visit earl nightingale way back um 1968 six no it was other than that it was around 66 and i saw he had this book stand on his desk and i asked him what it was he said it was a book holder and i said why do you have it he says because i want to read those two pages every day for the next month maybe two months i said really the same thing and he said yeah he said then they'll become a part of me and he said that's really the success the secret of success is the repetition of an idea you see that in sports you play bother i mean it's definitely part of your game you know how many how many plays would you have in your head who um well a lot of different plays but in football there's really only like nine different routes a receiver can run yeah that's part of the tree of r of running a route but there's so many different variations within plays that that one receiver could run and then another person could run in tandem with that yeah so you have to there's a massive playbook that you go through at the beginning of the season and you've got to remember a lot of different things but if you typically know the route you need to run and what other people are doing around you then you can you can figure it out but it's repetition that enables you to do that isn't it over and over and over and over you see the same route over and over that doesn't just apply to football i think that applies to life and if a person will really understand that it's through repetition that you program your subjective mind and it's your subjective mind that controls your behavior it doesn't make sense to some people but if they would study it and start to understand it they would start to do it what's the most important thing on those two pages that you have up in front of you most important thing here read it to you the lesson to be learned from the practical aviation of the present day is that of triumph of principle over precedent of working out of an idea to its logical conclusion in spite of the accumulated testimony of all past experiences to the contrary with such a notable example before us can we say that it is futile to inquire whether by the same method we may not unlock still more important secrets and gain some knowledge of the unseen causes which are the back of external and visible conditions and then by bringing these unseen causes into a better order make practical working reality of possibilities which at present seem but fantastic dreams they're talking about the wright brothers he said there was a secret they got off the ground because nobody knew how to fly and neither did they until after they got it in the air but he pointed out that it was principle over precedent and we let president control us too often you know what's the difference between principle and precedent well president you're letting something that has happened in the past control you the principle uh is that there's always a better way doesn't matter what you're doing better is a beautiful word what's something in your life that took a long time where you were holding on to the precedent of something for a while maybe it was months maybe it was years decades that eventually the principal finally started to fly and you had a breakthrough is there an area of your life you can think of oh absolutely absolutely as soon as you said it yeah you see when i started in this when i first got this book i was such a loser and i mean in every every way you look at it i um i went to high school for two months and i didn't quit they kicked me out they didn't want me there um and i was kind of happy because i didn't like it there anyway um i held dumb jobs i never had a half decent job the idea that i could even get a good job never entered my mind i had such low self-esteem i didn't understand that at the time i didn't even know what self-esteem was and letting go of the fact that i didn't have a formal education that i never had any business experience the man that gave me the book he said none of that matters bob that's the past he said let it go well i had a difficult time letting that go because we're programmed that if you don't go to school you can't get a good job that if you're going to earn a lot of money you've got to be really smart well you see i didn't think i was very smart and i didn't have any formal education that's a hard thing to let go of but through the repetition of studying this over and over and over as he pointed out to me edison had grade three and he pointed at different people that had no formal education and i finally made a break and got left it behind i'm not quite sure exactly when but i let it go yeah what would you say are some deciding factors that can help someone with their self-esteem because you and i are very similar where my childhood i didn't i didn't have much confidence in myself or esteem because i was in the bottom of my class in school because i was you know had tutors and special needs classes because i just wasn't able to understand it and comprehend that well and felt awkward and goofy in my life what are some some things you think people that in their teens or even in their 40s and 50s who don't have confidence yet what are things we can be doing differently to gain confidence to build self-esteem because i think this is one of the key factors of is believing in yourself it doesn't matter if the world believes in you if you don't believe in you yeah what can we start to do to change that well i think a person has to start to study themselves most people know very little about themselves they think they're their body you're not a body you have a body and you have a marvelous mind and when i first started to study this i thought you know studying the mind that's where psychiatrists psychologists behavioral scientists and the man that told me he said no it's not he says that for anybody that's for little kids and so i think as we start to understand something about our mind and something about our higher faculties see we're all programmed to live through our senses we go by what we see here smell taste touch well i've got a little dog at home that you can see here smell taste touch all the animals in the world they're they're completely at home in their environment they blend in they operate by instinct which is perfect um we had instinct removed and we had higher faculties put in our place in the place and if we would study these and gain an understanding your self-image would automatically start to improve you have perception the will reason imagination memory and intuition those six faculties will give you the ability to create your own environment see we're totally disoriented in our environment where all the other little creatures are completely at home and theirs and we're we're disoriented in ours because we can create our own but we don't know that school doesn't teach us that school is more interested in the development of your intellect than in the development of awareness like um a person doesn't earn a hundred thousand dollars a year because they want a hundred a year they earn a hundred a year because they're not aware of how to earn a hundred a month awareness is really the key and when we become aware of who we are and what we've got working for us you know marvelous things start to happen to us and that's really what happened to me i never went back to school i i built a very successful company it operates all over the world um i didn't do myself i have tremendous team of people i've got a just an absolute genius of a business partner a woman who's an attorney i mentioned to you before you should have her on sometimes you she you'd be fascinated with her she's that interesting but there's a group of people we've attracted a phenomenal group of people in our company and we're operating now in 91 countries wow teaching this information you know it's i don't know another company that teaches what we teach i think tony robbins has probably done more for our industry than any individual the secret has probably done more for it as much as tony has um the movie um but there's i don't know anybody else teaching what we're teaching and what we're really doing is teaching people how their mind functions and um how to expand their understanding of how it operates what are the six faculties again you shared this before which i which i love and i think if people really understood this perception help them build their self image perception the will imagination memory reason and intuition which one is the hardest for people to i don't think any of them are awareness they're they're all equally valuable um you take your imagination think of this for a minute louis nothing is created or destroyed look here here's a little cell phone what you can do with this almost blows your mind when you think of it yeah well when i was a kid we didn't have a phone we didn't have a phone because we didn't have any money for the first reason but the second um not everybody could have a phone we were not aware that there was an infinite number of frequencies today there's what a zillion phones because there's an infinite number of frequencies this phone is on its own frequency yours it's on its own frequency if i have your number in here and i hit send you and i connect we're on the same frequency won't matter where you are we can see each other we can communicate because we get on the same frequency well the good that we desire is already here it's on a frequency the way to build this has always been here we weren't aware of it but somebody took their imagination that went off into no place what they were really doing is going on to a higher frequency and if you'll stay on that frequency you'll attract everything that you require that's why um dr warner von braun when president kennedy asked him what it would take to build a rocket that would carry a man to the moon and then bring him back safely to earth von braun said the will to do it the will is the mental faculty that gives you the ability to hold one id on the screen your mind to the exclusion of all outside distractions see if you take your imagination do it you have goals take your imagination and then take yourself there see yourself already have completed the goal and then hold that picture with your will when you go there with your imagination there is a place whatever it is you want you went there with your imagination there is a place you stay there in your imagination you will attract everything that's required for the manifestation of that picture you saw brady doing it last sunday yeah as a machine yeah absolutely phenomenal so holding the imagination the picture that you want in your mind and then attracting it on the steps to get yeah you see we don't work toward the goal we work from the goal you get the goal in your mind our problem is we measure everything on the physical and yeah you look at the physical and you say well i haven't got it yet if you think your conscious mind if you get an image there of your goal you've already got it intellectually if you didn't have it you couldn't share it with me but if you have it you can share it with me you can share with me the idea that you've got in your mind so you've already got it there haven't you right as you get emotionally involved with that idea you've got it also on an emotional level you've got it there you've got it intellectually you've got it emotionally the only place you haven't got it is physically now there's a period of time muscle lapse for that idea that you have intellectually and emotionally for that idea to move into physical form we understand how much time pardon how much time does it usually take we don't know we don't know that's the only thing we don't know is the gestation period for an idea we know what the gestation period is for wheat we know what it is for a carrot we know what it is for a baby moment of conception it's about 280 days we didn't always know these things but we do now we don't know what the gestation period is for a spiritual seed and that's what an idea is but it grows by exactly the same law and so if we hold that idea in our mind it must by law manifest in form it moves into form now that is called the perpetual transmutation of energy it's one of the laws of the universe wow uh there was something that i uh that you shared um just a moment ago that reminded me of an interview i did with uh joe dispenza recently where he said we're really good at remembering the past and actually building a story in our mind about something traumatic that was actually way worse in our mind than it actually probably was in person we're really good at remembering these stories but what we need to do he said is to remember the future and when he said that it kind of triggered something different it's like what you just shared it's like have an idea of the future of what we want to manifest and hold on to that idea and remember the memories of the future as opposed to holding on to the memories of the past so we can move into that as opposed to be stuck in the past why is it so hard why is it hard for us to hold on to or maybe not hold on to but keep in our minds and imagine the idea of a greater future for us as as opposed to constantly being stuck in the past why is that hard for so many of us because we're programmed to go the other way you know what language do you speak uh i barely speak english how about russian uh privyet gag de la that's all i know well the point is you were raised with the english language yes you don't know another language i was raised with the english language i don't know another language i was working with people over in kuala lumpur a number of years ago and they had a little boy four years old that little boy could speak four languages they thought nothing of that there's people speak many more than four languages because that's the way they're raised we're the product of our environment from the time we're born but prior to that genetically were programmed you're you're genetically programmed at the moment of conception you get all mom's dna in all dads dna and god knows how far it goes back on either side well that is programming that's in our subconscious mind and that's called a paradigm that's what it is it's a program in our subconscious mind now here's the crazy part you have programs in your phone or in your computer the people that write the code for these programs are really smart when it comes to writing code they really know what the hell they're doing the people that wrote the code for our bio computer had no idea what the hell they were doing they don't they did not they were writing the code for my subconscious mind and for yours that's our paradigm and that probably controls our life to an enormous degree it did with me until i was 26. now i was fortunate when i met ray stanford and he got me into the think and grow rich book and that led me into god knows what else i have been working at changing that program since i was 26 i'm 86 right now so i've been at it for a long time and i work at it every day most people don't even know that they have the problem so they stay stuck their whole life listen you interview some pretty interesting people um i watched the interview here a billionaire a while ago um [Music] which one i forgot i forgot who it was anyway ray dalio charles coke it was a pretty interesting interview anyway but yeah the point is anybody can become a billionaire if that's what you want to do you say well wouldn't everybody know everybody wouldn't i wouldn't want to put all my energy into that now does that mean i don't want money no hell i earn all kinds of money and i probably want to earn more but that's not my focus we are programmed to live a certain way and uh rarely do we change that now i change it and i teach people to change it but most people don't stop and think of how few people um are really well off three four four five percent maximum if that and 95 are struggling and these are some of these are really bright people you've got people that have a um a doctorate degree in commerce and finance and they're broke how the hell could that happen well they never learned how to earn money they learn how to count it invest it and what to do with it they never learned how to earn it school doesn't teach us how to earn money it's absurd when you stop and think about it right they teach us all kinds of stuff that's a lot of it's useless they don't teach us about how to earn money and money is the medium of exchange that's negotiable all over the world [Music] we know that there's some fundamental truths to achieving success and every successful person will tell you you know and jim rohn is i know you you love gymnastics so you either pay the price of discipline or you pay the price of regret discipline weighs ounces regret weighs tons that's good but the the thing is can you teach discipline the answer is yes how you have to have a willing participant and if the participants reason why is big enough if they know i want to achieve x and the reason why the motive for their action motivation the motive for their action is a reason beyond just themselves chances are they will do more to achieve that success than if it was just left up to their own but there are some people that are born you know with incredible drive they just have this insatiable drive and they'll just i'll do whatever it takes for the things that i want and there's other people that want things but they just don't have this insatiable drive and this is where you know i as much as i hated school i love to use schools and analogy in the game of life whether it's health wealth relationships career business spirituality fun experiences you have to decide what level of the game do i want to play at is it the great school level the kindergarten level the high school level the university level the pro level because each one of those levels requires a totally different mindset and totally different skill set they're building blocks on each other but if you are extremely talented but you're not prepared to practice and rehearse and drill and fall and fail forward to the next attempt you will never make it as a pro you will never make as a pro business person you'll never make it as a pro husband or wife or athlete or musician you just never will so just get used to that if you're not prepared to pay the price if you are prepared to pay the price and you have the aptitude and the talent now we're tired but there's some real potential here and what we don't know is you know what's in your heart like what is the fire that stirs you that that you wake up saying i will do this even when i don't feel like it i will do whatever it takes to overcome my temptation for mediocracy my temptation for excuses my temptation for reasons and circumstances to hold me back i won't allow those to be in my way and if you have that within you you'll achieve whatever you choose right and so the question you asked before is how do you develop that start small yeah start small so if you don't have discipline show to your show yourself that you can give yourself one command and one follow-through so you know what um right now i'm gonna get up i'm gonna do two push-ups right now not not like later now can you give yourself a simple command one sit-up right now i'm gonna go get a glass of water you start with something ridiculous i learned many years ago reduce it to the ridiculous so for reduce it to the ridiculousness i start i said can you do that great will you because that's the difference right there is that's the razor's edge the people who great when now now yeah right so if you develop that skill and specifically from a brain plasticity a neuroplasticity perspective as soon as you do that you give yourself a command and you take the action you have just created a neural pattern you can give yourself a command and take action now that maybe just be one time well what if you did that every hour by putting a little bell on your computer and every hour like if you were if my computer was open i'd have um every hour it would say it's twelve o'clock it's one o'clock and i take sixty seconds just to be in control of my mind sixty-seven i don't care where i stop what you're doing stop take six breaths just get just get centered am i on track am i off track am i doing something i shouldn't be doing versus a high impact activity that i need to be doing every hour i've trained myself to just reset i didn't always do that so i just started with one a day right then two sure then three then it was working so well i said great let's do this every hour but more importantly is as soon as you become the person who believes in themselves you see every thing you do or don't do leaves an imprint on your self-worth and self-esteem scale and you know it absolutely you know it yeah every time you have that cake or that cookie right either believe in yourself or you don't believe in yourself right yeah every time you're you're voting with every decision you're disqualifying with every negative belief you're qualifying with every positive same with behaviors so you start to get getting aware of am i qualifying myself to move forward or am i disqualifying myself do what i say i want and what i do or don't do over and over and over again because thought patterns become emotional patterns which become behavioral patterns and our brains pick up on our thought emotional and behavioral patterns and says hey you know what you've done that one enough i'm just going to make that automatic for you so all of a sudden you know if you're a person has lots of positive thoughts but you suck at taking action your brain says let me make that a permanent pattern for you you don't have to think about anymore but i'm also going to create some neural tension and i'm going to make you pissed off at yourself now now you're going to start talking to yourself about how you don't want to not take action but you're still taking action and this is where we have this conscious non-conscious ping-pong match going on all the complex yeah it's actually complex but it's actually pretty easy too so someone's listening right now and they're thinking you know there's a lot of things i want you know i want to get out of this relationship or i want the relationship i want to have a better health i want to have more money whatever it may be and they've been saying that for years and they feel like they've been consuming all the information they need to have but they haven't been able to take action maybe because their why isn't powerful enough what would you say should be their first step well the first step is to take one thing i'm going to go back to one thing yeah and say great let me move one thing forward why because that just changes the trajectory of the same pattern repeating itself and as soon as you interrupt a pattern and then you repeatedly interrupt the pattern it's like taking a detour and as soon as you take a detour one day you're like okay that was that was okay but you intended your tendencies to go back to what's comfortable but if you take the detour two days six days seven days we know from a neuroscience perspective it takes about 66 days to create a solid enough neural pattern that it'll go from conscious effort and thinking about it to a non-conscious pattern that has the beginnings of automaticity happening without your involvement you're just doing yeah and so for me what i do and for myself is i uh whenever i want to change something whether it's a habit whether it's a thought or emotion or behavior i say i'm going to work on this for 100 days not 30 days not 21 days not 66 which is right around there i say 100 days and then i focus all of my just on that one thing for 100 days why do we give an example of something you've done sugar sugar sugar i'm a sugar me too i'm a sugar like if it was an alcoholic i'm a sugar a whole pizza right it's so bad yeah so i i go like you know a week two weeks no sugar then a month i eat dessert every night 90 days me too you know like a cake and cookie and five of them a day and then and then the same way i can be very disciplined but it's either way yeah i'm extreme i'm an extremist as well right so it's all or nothing higher off there's like no no in between right if you have one you have a dead yeah i don't i i don't have one cookie if there's only one cookie i go no you can have like six or seven more my cookie bills my cookie bills at hotels are 21 not three sorry keep replenishing so so you take one thing just one thing that you know maybe a little challenging 100 days 100 days just 100 days so let's say you want to drink more water 100 days a glass a day conscious effort to one a day whatever you did before you'll still do but one glass a day so you know i started that with my assistant so i want to drink you know like four of these a day you know like you know 32 ounces whatever the case is and so every we got a mug and it's on my desk every time i walk in and then i have some support from her saying hey remember to drink your water so just do it so the first you know two three weeks i feel like i'm gonna drown myself with so much water um but then it's like okay now i'm used to it now i'm drinking as much water as possible because the habit is there and one of the rules that i love to follow is the habit is more important than the intensity at first so don't worry about the intensity right develop the habit so can you take one minute a day to focus on how you will achieve a goal just one minute a day can you take one minute a day to focus on your health yeah can you take one day to retrain your brain yeah can i take one day you know or one action a day right and you start off with something you know and reduce it down to just a minute or two minutes or one behavior if you can get that behavior to be a habit it's easy to stack right of course it's just like the foundation of a building once you have the foundation if you build it right you stack yeah and so every good discipline affects another and every bad discipline affects others what do you think about when you have a bad day or when you have a bad moment where you react and you're not on your game where you're calm in a frustrating moment or someone on your team does something you don't want or traffic or whatever what how do you process that um do you have bad days yeah yeah i have um not not days i have bad moments events there's when when we're i want to separate like behaviors and emotions so usually when people say they have they're having a bad day sure certain things may have gone wrong or something that they tried to do you know didn't work out all information and experiences are processed at the non-conscious brain first and then it gives rise to something we call a feeling so emotions are processed non-consciously the electrical and chemical reaction to that is called a feeling so when i'm not feeling the way that i want to feel i don't focus on the feeling i focus on the cause the neuroelectrical charge that's occurred in my brain and in most cases it's something that you're doing to interpret an event that's causing the neuroelectrical signal causing the feeling so in meditation for example why do you meditate well obviously it's great for a whole host of of health reasons whether it's um it's uh less stress less you know lower blood pressure less cortisol release etc but the one thing meditation does more than anything else is it gives you the ability to have a pause of awareness so that you sense what's happening at the non-conscious level right and what's happening outside of you so when somebody behaves a certain way it's processed at the non-conscious level gives rise to your conscious mind for you to respond and so when something happens i like to be able to check in so that i don't react and i have the ability to respond and if you do that enough through mindfulness being aware just being aware of exactly what's going on then you have fewer and fewer of those times so you know something happened last week i was in a hotel room and i spilled some water on a shirt that i needed um for a wedding that we were going to and my wife was oh she was going off deep and i was just calm yeah and she was aren't you worried about this will it help right but no let's just figure out what to do the accident already happened why are we so wired to react in situations i'm supposed to be calm and say well this this reaction is not going to serve a solution well we have a misunderstanding of flow of information and the way information is processed and so the reaction happens again at the reptilian non-conscious level so every external stimuli if you if you get into some of the brain which is my passion is um one of my friends is dr evian gordon kind of the great model he says you know the number one thing to understand about the brain is safety and comfort first right so in the environment that you're in whether you like it or you don't is irrelevant your brain finds that comfortable because it's the homeostasis but safety first so any loud noise any type of uh real or imagined present or future pain based on the interpretation at the non-conscious level gives rise to automatic feelings so the signal is sent from the reptilian or lizard brain to the emotional brain and it's only later logically understood if we take the time to be aware of it be aware of it i think people react so much in traffic instantly that's right instant reactions yeah but but here's something you could do quickly it's called a reframe so so let's say you're driving in traffic and let's say somebody cuts you off and you've been sitting at the same spot for you know 20 minutes like i did this morning and somebody you know you're maybe looking down at your cell phone because you have some time because you're parked right and um somebody cut you off so you could automatically react go son of a i can't believe he just did that and just use all of this energy the cortisol epinephrine adrenaline that's flowing through your body and causing stress in your body or you can say well what if that person just found out their dog died they're really trying to get home quickly they go okay i guess it's okay if she or he cut in front of me right or they just got a call from their mother their mother fell yeah would you change the way you felt about it and the answer is yeah probably and the reason because you changed the frame so you can learn how to create frames for yourself how you see the world how you see failure how you see effort how you see your habits how you create frames in advance that actually serve you through awareness and response versus reactivity and that is what a lot of people who for example i'm going to go back to professional athlete what do you learn how to do respond in a variety of different ways in advance or through practice yeah so that when it's game time you're just unconsciously doing what you yeah especially like you know i used to react a lot whenever i felt like anyone was attacking me physically or verbally on the on the game in the game i used to react and want to beat people up and hit people and respond if i got hit in a weird way i would always want to have the last say right the last hit and my coaches would always train me because i would always get flagged the person who's just the second person is the one who gets flagged about the first person who does the foul yeah and um so i started to train myself and visualize okay this is going to happen in this game like someone's gonna punch me in the nuts someone's gonna bite me someone's gonna do this and i can either be calm and focus on the next play or i can respond and have a penalty for our team right i started to train my my mind seeing it in the future as if it already is happening and that really supported me in not reacting and that's actually one of the best ways it's it's a cognitive behavior therapy process where you practice in advance anything good or anything challenging and what's really amazing some of the latest research on goal achieving is the ability you know in the past i used to teach and also do uh visualize my goals whether it's my body health relationships money charity whatever i used to visualize the outcome and some of the latest research now shows um in addition to visualizing the outcome visualize the obstacles and in the past when we talk about this law of attraction no don't visualize the ops because you attract them to no no your brain's way smarter than that so if you have whether it's a belief that's in your way um a story that's holding you back a circumstance references it you know something that's holding you back from achieving x so take a look at whatever it is that you already know is holding you back i don't believe i'm worthy i don't believe i'm smart enough don't mean i'm good enough don't believe me if i'm skilled if i'm too young too old i'm i'm to this or to that or not enough of this not enough that so address that and say okay here is an obstacle i'm going to visualize that obstacle being real and i'm going to visualize just moving it aside and me moving towards my goal the very act of acknowledging that releases the neural tension around if you do that over and over and over again what your brain starts to see is yes there was a struggle and so it's worthy of me creating this neural pattern around this new effort right because most of what we're doing is you know we're being we're on autopilot we're just eeking through the day you know on autopilot and so the brain loves anything that makes it curious the brain likes anything novel the brain likes a challenge so earlier you're asking me about you know one of the brain training companies other than ours he said does it work i said yeah it's a workout for your brain and if you can strengthen the neural patterns of you seeing yourself with an obstacle and overcoming it what do you think that does to your self-confidence and certainty builds it up big time builds it up so if you'd if you actually do the work and develop those patterns in your brain as you're doing the stuff you need to do in the physical world you just strengthen those neural patterns and that's what becomes your habits yeah and that's where it becomes really fun because you can develop the the habits and and the skills that you need that you'll actually take action on versus having knowledge and skills in your head now i feel like you've been testing things for decades now with all the research and the work you've done yeah so what does your morning routine look like now what what's you know so today was a little bit different except for one thing because i drove from san diego to la to be with you but i wake up i pee i do my meditation 20 to 30 minutes every morning i don't care where i am in the world during that time i i do a variety of different meditations so there's meditations that i can do where i'm just observing my thoughts now a lot of people think well if i'm not supposed to have thoughts when you meditate says whom there's hundreds of different ways to practice awareness see meditation is the art of awareness awareness internally awareness externally but also the various millions of layers that exist in the physical and the non-physical world so this morning i did a meditation with some ocean sounds and so it was um about five o'clock i woke up this morning sat in my little sofa you know with my feet propped up and did a 20-so minute meditation in the dark with the ocean just listening to the ocean just paying attention going into a trance-like state where after two or three minutes like i disappeared like my body was part of air in space so today was i was using sound to get into that trance-like state other days i'll do a mantra whether it's you know a lot of people know transcendental meditation so it's the all mantra so you just take a deep breath in and then as you exhale [Laughter] and the question is why would you do that and the answer is anytime you can give your brain a rhythm it will entrain to that rhythm that's one anytime you could pay attention to your breath inhale and exhale you turn off the parasympathetic nervous system um you could you turn on the parasympathetic nervous system which is your rest and relaxation and your calm state of flow versus your sympathetic nervous system which is the stress response system of adrenaline norepinephrine cortisol etc so when you get the serotonin oxytocin and dopamine going and you're in that state of calmness you're able to enter deeper levels of consciousness and awareness so you're able to observe a thought you're able to hear your heartbeat you're able to sense different things that are giving are being risen in your body through thoughts that you're having so you can actually start to see when i have this thought here's the sensation in my body and you start to get so attuned to what's happening what stimuli is happening within you that's producing these sensations that cause you to either take action or not retreat or move forward you can start to get a feel for how the mechanics work before we continue this video make sure to subscribe below and turn on the notification bell right now so you don't miss out on these great videos every single day [Music] at the end of the day it looks like you know you're talking about uh using the power of affirmations uh confronting your fears it doesn't seem like that these gimmicky thing it's really addressing the core root of what yes everyone needs to to achieve success in their life but also to overcome any challenge in this case directly addressing it to alcohol although you could also write in the word overeating or anything there but there are certain fears that go along with not drinking i won't be fun uh people at work like if you work in new york in the stock market everyone goes out and drinks at night yes a good friend of mine who runs a company called grocery ships here in town walked away from eight million dollars in bonuses from wall street and and everyone was going come on drink drink drink and he knew he couldn't drink anymore and everyone was like give him a hard time what do you wish you come on be a man and so that's part of the culture it is and so it's going to affect my career i won't know what to do when i'm out with the guys you know whatever but we teach people you can still go there you order a club soda with cranberry juice in it or whatever and people get off your case because they think you're drinking sure but the point being that there's a lot of cultural pressure to do these things and most people don't have the tools and what we're saying is affirmations related to sobriety affirmations related to getting rid of the addiction as opposed to just affirmations in general right and what people are saying and you might know this too lewis is that you know most people know these general principles now now they're saying well but apply them to me as a manager apply them to me being a good husband applying to me being a world-class skier i want it more niched now yes of course so that's this attempt to do that yeah i love this and you know for me i've never been drunk in my life i don't know if i've told you that but i've never experienced what it feels like to be drunk on alcohol and then when i was in college i played college football and same thing happened where every uh weekend after the games all the guys went out and just got drunk and trashed at parties and they were always pressuring me they knew that i wasn't gonna drink because i made a commitment for four years in college i wasn't gonna have a sip of alcohol right because i wanted to have every advantage to be the best i could be in football yeah but they still tried to like give me every night they would just throw drinks at me and i was like no i'm good i'm good i'm good and it's uh i can only imagine the pressures that people have with drinking from their peers alone yeah even if they don't want to right they're just like okay well i have one and then it ends up being three or four because they want to make they want to please their friends so how do we set up our social circles so that when we do we do want to go out and spend time with our friends but when they're drinking or they're going out and having a few drinks maybe we don't want to but how do we have a conversation with our friends in a way that doesn't turn them off or make them feel like you're better than them or you're too good to drink or something like that but also so they can relate and understand and not continue to pressure you every time and say just have one sip just try this what's the conversation we could have with our friends well for me when i was doing my 60 days and where we recommended people in the book is to just say you know what i'm doing right now i'm just doing a little little 30-day experiment in my life to see how it works and i'm what i'm finding is you know i'm waking up earlier i'm feeling better or whatever i'm just going to keep doing that for a while um and it's not about i'm not one of the guys you're still one of the guys you were still won the football player yeah of course did well what you ever did probably did better and if you were to look back and say take all those guys on a football team and see where they are right now and compare them to your success i would bet most of them are not anywhere near exactly new york times bestseller top 100 podcast whatever so donald trump never drank tom cruise never drank really you know uh we have a statistic i can't remember all the names right now but seven of the top ten grossing film stars of all time never drank wow yeah and a couple of them actually did well two drink and quit right and the rest samuel jackson was a terrible drunk and then he stopped and once he stopped that's when his career took off and he's made literally hundreds of millions of dollars you know i mean he's amazing actor sure plus his little credit card commercials yeah so there's there's a lot of uh research on the people that don't drink tend to do a little better but i would say the the conversation for me would be you know i get it you think i should be drinking right now i'm not going to thank you very much i'm really happy the way i am and uh you know just stop what happens exactly and just let people know and what happens is people are going to press you like a teenager is going to pressure you over and over can i have the keys in the car please get the keys again come on and eventually you get dad just doesn't lend the keys to the car right you know it becomes a policy like you know i don't think many people are offering you know donald trump a drink they know he doesn't drink and they respect him and they're just gonna not do it right so um and we actually give some excuses you can give to people on the list your website too they're a little more fun and sexy but just generally it's called it's not against you it's for me that's a really good thing when you tell it's not against you it's for me it's not against you it's for me you know when people say can you do this you say no no and they say well you don't like me or whatever no no i'm not saying it's not against you i'm making a decision for me right now i like that i'm just experimenting with this i'll let you know how it turns out i like that that's really powerful huh what do you think um what do you think's one of the biggest challenges for people getting started with this process of actually saying okay i don't want to drink anymore maybe for years they've known it doesn't feel good but they're afraid fear is a big issue okay yeah what's the what's the thing they're afraid of they're not gonna have that that crutch they're they're afraid well first of all they're afraid they're never gonna drink again so would you tell people people yeah if you tell people you gotta go to a and they says you never drink again that's why a lot of people don't go i mean they don't go for other reasons public shame they don't go for something that's too religious for some people whatever but the big fear is i'll never drink again and if i never drink again i won't have fun again i it's like life's going to become dull and boring and i can tell you from my experiment from my kids lives and from dave my co-author you know dave coaches a basketball for his daughters he runs marathons he is a speaker he dances he's a big football fan with the the denver team that just won the super bowl you know it takes his kids to the park every day i mean he's having a lot of fun and he thought it would be boring because he had social anxiety as a teenager and then when he went to college and he drank all of a sudden he didn't have the social anxiety he started having more fun but it wasn't the fact that he wasn't drinking in other words nobody's not having fun because they have a deprivation of alcohol in their system you know right it's like you know you're not you don't have depression because you have a lithium deficiency sure sure you have depression because you're depressing pushing down on feelings you don't want to feel so one of the things that does come up for people and it's a valid fear is that feelings are going to emerge and perhaps past memories are going to emerge but if you know what to do with them when they do which most people don't because we're a psychologically ignorant culture we didn't learn this stuff in school then it's scary what do i do with these feelings i feel they feel like they overwhelm me i can't you know whatever my wife uh his father committed suicide when she was eight and uh one night four years into our marriage she just woke up screaming daddy don't do it all of a sudden all this pain if i'd loved my father more he wouldn't have killed himself i'd have been a better daughter and so did she want to feel those feelings absolutely not but because i knew what to do with them because there's ways to learn to express them through that we have a thing called the total truth process where you go through anger hurt fear remorse and regret unfulfilled i want and then what i do want and then forgiveness and if you know that model you can get to forgiveness and love and release it with tapping you can release guilt you can release shame you can release fear and you can release pain this nick ordnance new book your reference talks about so if you have the tools you know you can heal if you go into the jungle without a gun you're going into africa without a gun you're a little concerned yeah yeah but if you've got a guide and a gun now you know you have the tools to survive in the jungle yes most people go into that jungle called sobriety without the tools they need and most people can't afford the 30 000 a month to go to rehab most people don't want to take that time off work especially if you're a solo entrepreneur you can't afford it uh we had one guy he's a number one of the top sales trainers in america in the real estate world and i won't mention his name because it's confidential but he read the book uh when we did it in the beta test and uh he had not been sober more than 12 days his entire adult life every night drank until he passed out totally ashamed didn't want anyone to know when we sent him the book he went and got a post office box so it wouldn't come to his home or his option sure he wrote he wanted two hours of coaching so we did that he wrote a check on a cashier's check so no one would ever know where it went and that's how ashamed he was that's why he could never get help because he could never go to a he could never go to rehab he i don't even think his wife he didn't want other people to know he wanted people to know and he's now been sober for four months and he's lost weight he's happier he feels better when he's running his seminars more people are coming and enrolling because he's more wonderful up on stage he's having more fun greater sense of humor sure i mean it's changed his whole life amazing and why do people love the aaa approach or the rehab approach and why do they not love it and and is there a support group that people will get when they go through this book do you guys have something like that i have nothing against a aaa was very helpful to my two sons for getting sober a.a there are people there who care about you they've been through it they understand it they give you mentorship yeah they become a sponsor for you both of my sons have now become sponsors for other people there is a camaraderie going through anything alone is really difficult any behavioral change just if you decide to go run every morning it's tough so much easier if you know bob's waiting downstairs at 6 30 outside your apartment yeah then you've got the accountability this guy is going to where are you louis and it's easier you talking to him time goes faster etc so basically aaa has a lot of value but a lot of people just won't go you know and the other thing we talk about with aa is you have to admit over and over you have to say in the beginning you have to get out of denial i'm an alcoholic but if you keep referring if you keep affirming that for 10 years later 30 years later yeah not great and the challenge with aaa and this was a friend of mine named tommy rosen who puts on recovery 2.0 which is a teleseminar for recovery people and he said when he got his 20-year chip his sponsor hugged him and said you're one in ten thousand and he said only one in ten thousand people who joined an a make it to 20 years sober and he said that's when i knew something was wrong something was missing and when i would go to aaa meetings with my kids i would always want to jump up and say god let me run an exercise here for you we could all do this meditation if i could teach you how to breathe and relax if we could do this thing where you forgive your parents you can quit having this story about how you've been abused your whole life you know yeah you were but you need to let it go because this anger is killing you you know and so they feel that anger and then they don't know what to do with it and they go drink again they relapse and they relapse and they relapse and then people feel ashamed to go back to aaa because they've relapsed yeah you know because they supposed to be abstinent 100 so that's a challenge and we know that 20 i think it's 29 million people have they say they're in recovery based on a survey that said did you ever have a problem with drugs and alcohol and is it gone now yes we only have 1.3 million people that belong to aaa so we know people are getting sober without aa the problem with rehab is that you've got it well first of all somewhere about a 20 if you can believe the statistics recovery only 20 percent of people go keep going like go to aaa keep going yeah gotcha and that that number is suspect because we don't know how clear it is but let's let's give it to them rehab 15 to 30 percent and that's also suspect because there's no real long term longitudinal recovery or 15 to 20 percent recover that's what they say rehab but we have 80 79.5 to be exact recovery rate after five years still sober um you know from the first coaching program and now after the book it's you know when we did the beta test four to five months still sober so the reality is that with with rehab you go there and i rehab has some challenges there are some good rehab centers like there's good therapists and there's bad therapists but a lot of rehab centers especially the ones with places like malibu and places they're basically real estate investment opportunities i'm going to buy this big mansion it's worth 6 million in 10 years it'll be worth 12 million and you're going to pay my mortgage every month because i'm you're charging me 30 i'm charging 30 000 for the 12 or 15 people there and the staff other than your therapist for a week once a week for a therapist once a week for a counselor you have a 12-step meeting every day maybe a yoga class maybe you get a massage now you got like 13 hours left what do you do the rest what do you do and you're sitting around with other people who have these addictive challenges talk it's like it's like prison where the prisoners are like children better prisoners you know better criminals and so they're bored and and and you've got really lovingly dedicated people who are young who've been through rehab who now want to help but they don't have the skill sets right so one of the things we're saying with this book if you're a rehab counselor get a copy of this book start doing this stuff with the people in your rehab center if you're an addiction counselor bridget lank is an addiction counselor she's a psychotherapist up in in san rafael was building a whole program around this book she said oh my god this is what we need this is what people need they need a systematic approach and that's the thing if you don't have a system you know you went you played football your coach had a system yes for exercise for training for fitness nutrition practice plays all that kind of stuff and if your system worked you won games and you won championships and better systems beat bad systems right and so this is a system and as we said earlier you could apply this to over eating you could apply this to pretty much any addiction you wanted i love it and i'm curious to to know about the difference between cutting back and cutting out cold turkey yes is there a better approach to say you know what i drink every night two glasses maybe i'll just start with cutting back to one glass at night or is it better to do you think it's more effective to cut out cold turkey which one's the way to go whether i'm talking about drinking smoking whatever maybe two aspects to that number one if you're drinking a lot you quit cold turkey you could have seizures so you should see a doctor if you're the kind of guy that's drinking like you know 12 beers a night drunk every night yeah every night there is a possibility of of of dts delirious tremens so you want to check with your doctor do a blood test we tell people that the first chapter sure if you're a casual drinker a couple of drinks a night we think you could just stop and we encourage you to do that uh when i do my breakthrough to success training which is a seven day training i tell people you're not going to drink for seven days i want you sober here every morning you're paying way too much money to come in with a hangover and if you can't show up and do that you got a drinking problem you know so it's better to stop but we tell people in this program we give you a week to stop and but we don't want you doing this program while you're drinking because you won't get the value out of it at the end of 30 days you can assess whether you want to start to try to casually throw another you know maybe drink once and we we find five to ten percent of the people that go through this program can quit but those those were the people in the beta test who are serious alcoholics so we haven't tested it yet with people that are just drinking a couple drinks a night want to cut back with that it might be 20 to 30 percent could cut back according to the statistics only one out of nine um no 9 out of 10 excessive drinkers can actually cut back only one can't so it could be that cutting back is a possibility but we want you to do the program sober and then at the end if you feel like you want to introduce drinking again try it but if you do it the first two times you get drunk again you're not a candidate for that exactly yeah yeah okay and what's the difference between thriving and sobriety and just staying sober let me just say one more thing about sure because we talked about different uh addictions there was a harvard psychology professor william james famous psychologist who said when you're trying to change a behavior it's best if you go cold turkey like you know you're going to stop smoking stop drinking whatever or you're starting a new habit you know make a public declaration so now everyone around you says hey wait you said you were stopping drinker you weren't gonna eat sugar anymore you said you were gonna exercise and you're not you're just sitting here being a lounge lizard you know whatever so and then have an accountability partner so on our website because you mentioned earlier about support we have a forum we have over a thousand people in that forum right now chatting with each other every day talking about day nine what comes up for them and how they're dealing with it and the support is there plus we have a psychologist who goes in every week and responds to questions for people sure um and um dave's wife's actually as a psychologist and i go in and comment and give people support and encouragement and answer questions and um it's it's really important not to try to do this alone so we would say if there's someone else you can do it with great if you want to do it alone because of the shame factor and you want to hide it that's great but if you can find a buddy and when we're doing a 30 day sobriety solution for our third day sobriety challenge for normal folks who are not excessive drinkers partner up with one woman who is the um the graphic designer for the book and things and she said well i was reading the book deciding what the graphic design should look like and i decided i was going to start a book club on this and so i got uh 12 women we're all not drinking we're up to 25 now we're gonna do it for a month now we decided we're gonna do it for a whole year wow because i realized wine time was about five when the kids were driving me crazy they'd have my two glasses of wine but then i was like kind of not really there for them and my husband for dinner i didn't really want to cook so now what i do i go down in the basement to do a little bit of juice it's a fitness instructor and a yoga teacher so i go down and i work out for an hour yeah i'm spending more time with the kids i feel better i'm writing a book you know she's like doing all this stuff now and so she's got 25 people all in a support group supporting her without some of the negative overlay of aaa where you feel like you have to go in and tell your drunk we call it your drunkalog you know people wouldn't tell but they're terrible how they got drunk and lost their job and stuff like that but it's much more positive kind of approach if someone's got an addiction and they know they have it they've acknowledged it whether it's drinking smoking sex something workaholic whatever it may be even fitness addiction you know there's people that work out all day yeah we have people addicted to plastic surgery of course yeah there's all sorts of addictions when we realize okay there's an addiction that i have that i'm that i want to end and i want to move on to something more positive in my life and i'm sure you probably have this in here but is there a a process you think that everyone should follow in the morning to get them ready for the day and at night to get them ready for a date specifically focusing in on that addiction is there yeah you want it you want you want to get up in the morning and you want to visualize going through the day with not doing the addiction okay uh there's something in the we call it evening review at the end of the day where you close your eyes you say where could have i been more on purpose or more unfocused for this commitment i have oh you know you did that thing you did that thing and the thing um and so it's just checking in checking and checking him you want to program your day schedule your day what are your activities going to be the problem is see if something shows up at five o'clock and i'm bored not everything to do i'm in trouble and there's this thing called decision fatigue and there's also something called compassion fatigue it started they first learned this where they were doing federal uh in prisons where they were doing parole boards in the morning 70 percent of the people who were up for parole got paroled in the afternoon it was like anywhere between 10 and 30 percent depending on the prison people got tired of making decisions they did don't screw it not getting up wow and so what happens is as the day goes on your willpower wanes willpower is like a meter and so in the morning if you're going to do an exercise if you're adding exercise into your day do it first thing in the morning yeah you know we put your shoes and your running shoes you have to trip over them before you go into the bathroom and if you have a partner your shorts your workout shorts to bed there you go there you go and so and then having that accountability partner someone else you're doing it with that you're you're you know you can have it like you could be my accountability partner for this i call you every day say okay here's what i'm gonna do today this is my rule and at five o'clock i'm gonna do this exercise or i'm gonna go do a solution in the book or i'm gonna play my guitar for an hour whatever it is and we give people 101 alternative activities that bring joy into your life other than drinking in one of the chapters so you can pick one every day and do it or you pick one and stay with the same thing every day and then i mean one of my favorite ones is listening to comedy albums i mean there's so many great comedians guys go to itunes and download a comedy album yeah yeah just laugh and laughter secretes endorphins in the brain endorphins a natural opiate you don't need to drink if you're laughing you know and so laughter is is really important so laughing is great and you can do laughter yoga have you heard of laughter yoga no laughter yoga is really cool it's developed by a doctor in india and he gets people like and i teach it in my seminars now in the morning it's like a little warm-up exercise and you just start laughing see how you start to laugh right along with me and then you do these stupid things like milkshake laughter you go like you pretend you're making a milkshake and then instead of drinking it you just throw it on the other person and they're throwing theirs on you stupid stuff right but now you got 50 60 people all laughing together but i can wake up in the morning and just laugh or i can listen to a comedy thing in the morning and laugh the other thing is you want to do a gratitude exercise one of the things we found and we were kind of surprised by it we knew it was important law of attraction all that but one of the top things when we asked people what was the most important in the book gratitude people basically a lot of them drink because they think their life sucks but when you really start realizing that the half the world lives on two dollars a day your life doesn't suck that bad yeah you know and we have look at all the technology that you have in this office here and the people that are supporting you and the fact that someone made this table and someone printed that book and steve jobs gave you the computer you got there and it works really well you can communicate with people in singapore and you can just literally go around the room for five minutes and just appreciate everything gets you blissed out yeah so that's a really good thing to do in the morning as well i love that and meditation and breathing mm-hmm do you have a good breathing when someone's feeling the overwhelm and they're like yeah i really want to drink this right now or i really want to eat this or whatever it is there's a tech well do the cravings do the tapping but andrew wilde do you know andrew well yeah andrew wilde is one of the greatest uh integrative medicine doctors because his big white beard and i've met him a couple times anyway he teaches this thing it's called uh four seven eight breathing and what you do is you start by exhaling go get all the air out then through your nose you inhale to the con four and then you hold for the count of seven and then very slowly through the mouth exhale for the kind of eight you do four of those i just did one i already feel more relaxed and a little more energized that kind of like funny feeling in the head sure so you do four of those and it calms you out so again why do people drink well i'm gonna have a difficult meeting you know or i had a little stress at work today or i'm gonna go home and my wife's gonna be on my case because i forgot to clean the garage whatever just do that breathing sitting in the car before you get out or before you walk in the meeting or before the person comes in the door this is what is happening to people's lives they are trying to fix everything with their intellect the harder they try the more tattoos they've become with all this education tell me uneducated people are more unhappy or educated people are more unhappy

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 121,998

Rating: 4.8781829 out of 5

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation

Id: wHLRaNJ-kh4

Length: 116min 9sec (6969 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 29 2021