4 Common mistakes to avoid with narcissists

we are all guilty of enabling narcissistic people sometimes we are just too tired to try to be a communication coach or a fighter we just need to get through the damn day so we want the script so we can say it just the way they want it so let's talk about the five things that happen when you call out a narcissist remember that calling out a narcissist is not only a pointless Endeavor it can actually be dangerous dangerous for yourself or for others that they're able to punish because they can you know I know why you want to why you want to call them out but they don't care right if they were capable of hearing your feedback then they would likely have enough self-reflective capacity to not do the terrible things they do in the first place and then I they really wouldn't be narcissistic people would they so let's break down the five things that happen when you call out a narcissist and as always if you have more please toss them in the comments section the first thing that happens if you call them out is Rage this is obviously the most universal reaction calling these folks out as narcissists evokes shame in them which then starts the whole Cascade of rage and shame and acting out in passive aggression you know the drill some people might call them out in the Heat of the Moment and in the midst of the frustration of the narcissistic relationship will call the narcissist out but the rage that follows can be even more destabilizing turning frustr ation into fear and it may not be as simple or black and white as you calling them a narcissist narcissistic people have the internet too and should you decide to deconstruct it for them and say you know what I don't I don't think you have no empathy and you are so entitled and you're so arrogant blah blah blah they're going to Google it all and see that all of it adds up to narcissism or they will take umbrage at being called out on those bad patterns because actually narcissistic people do kind of know what narciss what they actually do know what nice people are supposed to look like and even as they do their own terrible things that they do they like to see themselves as wonderful so they don't need you telling them that they're doing bad things so when you call them out either straight up as a narcissist or subtly as a person that lacks empathy or even more subjective names like calling them a monster or evil expect rage that can range from dangerous and terrifying to passive aggressive and takes a frustrating situation and makes it worse the second issue the second Fallout I should say that comes of calling them out is gaslighting you all know what gaslighting is a form of manipulation whereby a person's reality is denied and it is the narcissistic person's ground game if you are to call them out on narcissistic patterns then the Fallout is things like well that never happened or actually you're the one who did that or you're the one who said that or you're being ridiculous or you seem to have a significant mental illness if this is how you see it and they'll go on and on if you know what gaslighting is it can help you be a bit more resistant to it but again you are engaging in a pointless Endeavor of calling them out but if if it matters that much to you to do it then be prepared to be gaslighted the challenge here is that you will then start pulling out the text messages and emails and behavioral examples to make your case they don't care they aren't listening to you the third thing that likely is happen will happen if you called them out as a narcissist is you being accused of being the narcissist this this is sort of a riff on the gaslighting one unless you actually do happen to be a narcissistic person as well I don't know there's lots of people hopefully that watch this but remember the narcissists like I said have the internet too and so if you were to level the accusation against them that they're The Narcissist then you can expect that they're going to come at you with the whole list of reasons why the various things that comprise narcissism actually apply to you one of the major fallouts of narcissistic relationship sh is that the people in them often wonder if they themselves are the narcissist despite that person who thinks they're narcissistic having empathy and not being egocentric and all the rest of it but people in narcissistic relationships are so often told they're narcissistic or may believe that if they set boundaries in this relationship that they're being selfish and they think of themselves as narcissistic so if you call them out and they hit you with this you may be vulnerable to falling for it but in a significant majority of cases where someone told me that they called out the narcissistic person they were hit with the accusation that they the other person was was narcissistic the number four thing that's likely to happen if you call the narcissist out is blame shifting remember that it is very difficult for people with narcissistic personalities to take responsibility so if they behave badly they will blame other people and other situations and other circumstances such as their childhood or their workday or their stress or the unfairness of the world or money or their mean co-workers or you or your children or their parents anybody anybody but themselves and never will they take responsibility for their behavior oh well they'll say things like you think I have anger issues maybe I wouldn't be frustrated if I wasn't the only one around here who actually works and actually does something and I still manage to do well despite working with a bunch of morons and then that narcissistic person will go on and talking talk about about having been abused by their parents or having a crappy spouse that would be you we're having all these ungrateful kids so in that case maybe they're not denying the anger but after they go on their rant everyone else is responsible for their terrifying anger everyone else but themselves and finally the narcissistic person's tried and true response to being called out which is the silent treatment this is more often a tool of the covert narcissist the shame rage spiral tends to set off more of the passive aggressive brooding and figuring out how to get revenge rage rather than the screaming and yelling if you call them a narcissist or on their narcissistic behavior patterns you may initially get Rage or gaslighting of all the all or any of those other things but then they'll go silent maybe they will Prelude it and say hey well I don't know why you want to talk to me who would ever want to talk to a narcissist I'm just so terrible and then silence sometimes for days maybe weeks I've even heard of months and years people generally don't like receiving the silent treatment it makes them uncomfortable and it may even induce us to apologize for our own being abused so a person rages at you because you pointed out their narcissistic parent uh patterns and then they go silent and then you apologize which in essence is you apologizing for them raging at you the silent treatment is abusive and it allows them to maintain their self victimization through silent rage it is tense and it is punitive the key with the silent treatment is to not fall into the trauma bonded pattern of wanting to fix it I am sure I am missing some patterns but Step One is don't call them out work on you instead if you do call them out you can anticipate any or all of these reactions and you may not care about these reactions as I say maybe it feels worth it to call out their behavior and that's for you to decide in your own situation but I don't want you to maintain the fantasy that you can call out the narcissistic patterns in a narcissistic person without any Fallout or that by calling them out it will result in any kind of meaningful sustainable or observable change no excuses sort of falls under that larger topic of things like second chances any one of you any one of you watching these videos knows that part of the reason you got so deep into this mess in the narcissistic relationship you were in whoever it was with is because you kept giving Second Chances and a big part of those Second Chances were the excuses you made for the narcissist so part of this requires us to go backwards and think about one big issue where does narcissism come from anyone any of you who read my books and watched other videos we know that narcissism comes from a mix of a little bit of a temperament like people come into the world some people are just born a little bit more grumpy and difficult but that mixes with things that happen in childhood and we know that people can become narcissistic through a variety of paths parents who spoiled them parents who are emotionally unavailable parents who neglected them parents who abuse them having gone through trauma having grown up grown up in a traumatic situation or setting all of those things can potentially contribute to the development and manifestation of adulthood narcissism so if we go back on that and if you think about ah you know what this person is quite selfish self-absorbed unempathic entitled superficial etc etc etc but you're like he had a real really hard childhood or like God his mom is so awful that's what I mean by an excuse many times a person's history becomes an excuse a sort of proverbial get out of jail free card on their current behavior now while it might be compassionate to always account for a person's history to understand how they may respond in a given situation for example you may meet someone and they've had a traumatic history in childhood or even in adulthood and we'll say you know what because this really tough thing happened to me it's hard for me to make a commitment so I'm going to be taking this slow and I hope you understand that that's a very honest and vulnerable disclosure that somebody can work with that's very different than a person who chronically invalidates you verbally abuses you gasl you manipulates you lies to you yells at you and when you finally call them out on that they'll say oh God you got to give me a second chance you know how it was I grew up with such a rough Dad no that's an explanation after the fact a rationalization of the bad behavior that came first it this is not someone who sat with you and said hey you know what I often have trouble communicating in this in a relationship because of how I was raised please catch me on that because I want to grow that's not how it happens when it's used as a rationalization when their backstory when their history is conveniently pulled out as an excuse for their bad behavior this is a great chance for you to gracefully exit in a very compassionate way and say I'm sorry that happened to them not my problem because that's the key you've got to remember you're not responsible for their history and nothing you do can undo that history for them so many people buy into the fairy tale myth that if I love this person enough if I'm good enough to them if I sit here and listen to them the way their parents didn't then that will clean the sleep and all of that bad stuff will go away and they'll fall into the warmth of my love and they'll get it kind of not how it goes if they've already done that growth before they get get to you wonderful keep in mind that a toxic difficult traumatic early history does not Doom a person to not being able to have healthy loving adult relationships I have worked with countless individuals who have had very traumatic histories and have gone on to deeply loving adult relationships but that's because the person who experienced the trauma did the Deep dive they did the work to get to the core of it instead of taking it out on somebody else so narcissists will often pull their sometimes really difficult histories out and almost weaponize it use it as an excuse so that in the midst of a heartfelt debate when you're me you're sharing your feelings you're sharing your hurt they'll pull that out and in many ways it sort of invalidates your experience because now you say h he's playing the Early Childhood trauma card again how am I supposed to say anything cuz now you feel guilty it's a really inappropriate Gambit to take in a relationship and it needs to be a wakeup call if you keep making excuses for somebody's inappropriate mean cruel harsh abusive behavior in a relationship I can promise you one thing and one thing only their behavior is not going to change it is so tempting to make excuses on the Bas of basis of a person's history but a person who's really had a difficult life history will often take ownership of it on the front end and really commit themselves to getting it right and be open to communication from their partner or whoever's close to them about how to get it right and this isn't just limited to Intimate Relationships this could even happen with a parent your own parent you might say to them listen you've been invalidating me my entire life please stop and your parent will say oh that's all I know you're grandmother or grandfather abused the heck out of me the same thing the fact is the moment they got they became a parent they needed to get their house in order and they needed to work on their history and not make it your problem so catch yourself the best sort of rule of thumb when working with or being with or trying to love or trying to have a relationship with a narcissist is no excuses as much as excuses may feel like comp a compass passionate path to take instead what it does is it informs you that this person may not have done the work and the growth they need to have a healthy relationship doesn't mean you have to walk away from the relationship but it is a wakeup call that if you find yourself chronically making excuses for this person the one thing you can be sure of this relationship is going to go nowhere fast making excuses for narcissists is the reason many times these relationships can last 10 20 50 60 years years because if you make enough excuses you construct an entirely new reality and a reality that's probably not good for you so good luck stop making those excuses and you know what I'd be curious to hear what excuses have you made in your relationship with your narcissist the comments help because the fact is everyone watching this they read each other's comments you're all learning from each other's comments I'm getting amazing emails from people or are saying you know what just reading the comments sections on these videos have created so much empathy for me because I know what other people are going through so please know that the comments you put on these videos are helping a lot of other people so please let us know what kinds of excuses have you made for the narcissist in your life you I know you have done this before I know you have let's say it's in the midst of a frustration with a toxic or difficult or high conflict or narcissistic person in your life you do this after nothing you say is working no matter what what you try nothing works it always ends up with you getting it wrong with you being manipulated with you being gaslighted or with you being raged at what comes next out of sheer exasperation you finally say please just tell me please I beg you just tell me tell me what to say tell me how to say it tell me how to be and I will do it you want the arguments and the anger and all of it to end you just can't figure it out so you figure out you figure that you will just ask for the right answers to the test have you ever gotten to that point when you say just tell me what to say drop a comment if you've ever gotten to this point now let's say you do this the difficult person in your life will then say I'm not doing that it wouldn't be satisfying for me to know that you're reading a script and a that point you just want to put your head in your hands and cry so you may be wondering what the hell do they want so let's break this down this phrase that many people find themselves saying actually to me it tells me they're probably in a narcissistic relationship but this phrase just tell me what to say tell me how to say it tell me what to do again a sure fire sign sign that someone is in a narcissistic toxic or antagonistic relationship it is in many ways a manifestation of the expectation of mind reading that so many people with narcissistic personalities have if you really take mind reading back to a very Primal space it's really a throwback to infancy isn't it the baby who doesn't know where they end and where their caregiver Begins the baby needs the caregiver or wants the caregiver to anticipate their needs their needs for Hunger or Comfort or cold or warmth and when that doesn't happen the infant sort of panics cries and if all goes well the infant is responded to quickly and the infant is soothed over time the infant turns into a toddler who turns into a child who slowly learns how to communicate their needs initially with gestures and then with words and then hopefully those needs get met and then into an adolescent and adult who can sometimes meet those needs themselves and otherwise learns to communicate them that's the healthy path but around infancy and around toddlerhood that's where the child learns that other people can't read their mind listen it's a fortuitous coincidence when everything lines up and someone does just sort of meet your needs but we have language for a reason and the child learns I need to ask for what I need and hopefully their environment meets that need but alas the narcissistic person is forever stuck in infancy read my mind do it the way I need say it the way I need be who I want when I want as I want but as is the hypocrisy of the narcissistic relationship they will then don't expect me to be consistent don't expect me to be there for you sometimes I will be but usually I won't that's how those relationships work they resent that you cannot anticipate their needs they're grandiose enough to think that people should anticipate their needs and they are infantile enough to believe it can happen and they are entitled enough to get mad when it doesn't happen obviously this idea that somebody could read your mind and say things to you exactly the way you want is a deeply unreasonable and frankly unhealthy expectation in a relationship this idea that again that you'd be able to read their mind or get it right and say it and do it and be it exactly as they want at any given moment now another key Dynamic of the narcissistic relationship baiting also complicates this narcissistic people always want the fight so you couldn't you couldn't get it right if you try most healthy people don't want a fight most narcissistic people do so there's no right way at those times all roads lead to the fight the victimized element that characterizes most narcissism means that they are looking for the data to support their hypothesis that they are always going to be let down because no matter what you do they feel let down now remember that narcissistic people all of them they lack self-reflective capacity and they lack insight into the motivations for their own behavior basically they do not understand their own why so they don't understand their need for mind reading they don't understand their need pretty much for anything but go around and demand it they walk around the world posturing as though they are well put together people they try to they think that they're functioning well in the world but the contrast between the two the utter lack of insight but the acting as though they do have Insight means that the people who are closest to them are chronically frustrated yes they want you to read their minds yes their conscious mind recognizes it is not possible no they do not understand why they need you to read their mind and because they lack insight and empathy they get angry because the inadequacy in them gets activated they know that they can't regulate themselves and the more stressed and disappointed and frustrated and abandoned they feel the more they expect people to read their minds and you know when it gets to this point you know the rest of the story so let's play this out over time you get exhausted at not being able to communicate with your narcissistic partner because you don't want the fight you literally wish they would hand you a script so you can say it just the way they want it just so you can appease them keep in mind that this this is how everyone deals with them we are all guilty of enabling narcissistic people sometimes we are just too tired to try to be a communication coach or a fighter we just need to get through the damn day so we want the script so we can say it just the way they want it your conversations always end up with them being disappointed with them always feeling let down with them always feeling like you aren aren't doing it right and then lashing out at you you keep shifting strategies and just as an FYI that constant Strate strategy shifting is a trauma bonded State you keep chasing the right way to do things but there is no right way and in trying to stay alive in these relationships you keep trying new things to try to keep at work but the problem is that they want different things at different times and it can be impossible to anticipate their constantly shifting needs over time you may seem more strained and anxious in your communication and no surprise they get annoyed about that too they get annoyed that you are so tense and that you are so wide-eyed obviously you are because you're constantly constantly walking on eggshells and you don't know what's going to set them off so does this happen to you in your narcissistic relationships please drop a comment and let me know of a time when you just didn't know what else you could do to make it right sort of a trick question because there's nothing you could do I understand exactly why you want them to tell you what you they want you to say you figure if someone just gives you the answer key then you can get an A on the test but remember they don't like that either and that to me is a really fascinating part of narcissism and related personality Styles they don't like that people have to walk on eggshells around them and be solicitous and be oh so careful around them believe it or not narcissistic people like to think of themselves as chill and easygoing when they are not they don't like that they have to be handled it brings up lots of shame in them they just feel entitled to people doing things the way they want and being able to read their minds so you asking for a cheat sheet on how to talk with them that's not going to work for them it is so maddening because it's basically a maze with no way out for people who stay in these relationships or who ought not to leave these relationships or cannot leave these relationships this wishing for a script for them to tell you what to say it's a painful cycle and one I actually really hope to end just by this video because it's never going to work for you to ask for it remember what is the central or one of the central mantras of the narcissistic relationship you can't win you can't you can't ask for a script you can't even figure out how to say it because even they don't know the right answer obviously you can't be a mind reader but goodness knows that you've tried so the entire relationship is a series of guesses and some days you get lucky and you get it right and more days than not you don't get it right because you can't always in life predict whether the coin is going to end up Landing heads or tails in fact your odds of guessing a coin toss are better since what are the odds of guessing a toin coin toss 50/50 the odds of you getting it right with somebody who's narcissistic are probably lower than that life with a narcissistic person is like living in a cruel Casino where some days you may come out ahead but on more days than not not only are you not going to win you find out that the games are rigged so you can think this you can think this through inside this idea of I wish they'd just tell me what to say just tell me what to say but be aware that the moment you feel the need to say this out loud to someone just tell me what to say tell me how to say it tell me who to be remember that you are now managing a toxic difficult and very likely a narcissistic relationship if you say it that you wish they would tell you what to say they're only going to get more angry at you and you will then have to slide instead into the thickets of radical acceptance this is what it is this relationship's not going to change it's not your fault and as long as you're in this relationship this is it if you can find that way to radical acceptance and I'm not saying it feels good but if you can you will be less surprised perhaps less disappointed on The Daily though I can't make the argument that you will be less exhausted or less mentally fatigued these relationships are upsetting that's that let's let's talk about that difference between not personalizing what the narcissist says and then not taking it personally a lot of people have found this distinction to be very sort of confusing and they're saying golly this certainly feels personal to me and in fact there was one um one email in particular I got about I'm like this is actually this person was actually not happy about it so I thought let me break this one down so this is a tough one and it's one that more than a few people have asked about and even clients I've worked with have asked about this and I see now and I understand the confusion so part of this video is also to sort of break through that confusion so many of you know as I give guidelines for how to cope with narcissism narcissist and narcissistic abuse is to not personalize their Behavior okay but many people say to me dude how the hell am I not supposed to make this personal this person is gaslighting me insulting me criticizing me undermining me basically dehum dehumanizing me is freaking personal okay yes it is personal but let's take a step back in most cases I know it doesn't seem like this to you but they actually are sort of equal opportunity offend ERS they do tend to be dismissive of just about everyone contemptuous of just about everyone Gaslight just about everyone you the coffee shop clerk family members colleagues but you're going to get it worse the closer you are into the narcissist orbit the worst it's going to be especially if they're partner and then you say no no no Dr Romney they are two-faced they are nice to their friends they're nice to that jerky guy they work with they're nice to their grandiose business partner they're nice to their father who gives them money oh no I've seen them be nice so let's take a look let's break this down a little bit let's take a look at those relationships where your narcissist is nice you're right they can be two-faced they are two-faced narcissists will put their best face on and bring narcissistic Supply to people they value or admire those are often people with money with power people they deem as somehow virtuous or aspirational and it can be rare for them to find these people that they think so highly of because they themselves are so jealous and competitive of other people who have the things they want but when narcissists find people that they value and maybe they value these people because those other people these people with the power and the money make promises they want to hear bring some other value added they might be a great wingman or a great wing woman they may give be giving them money money um The Narcissist may be getting power or recognition simply by having this relationship for this person and then the narcissists might actually become really good at being narcissist enablers for bigger narcissists it's like that diagram where the big fish eats the smaller fish so that is why your narcissist can seem Too Faced and it's important to this video to understand that and narcissists are sprinters which is why they have an uncanny ability to fake it for a few hours and seem charismatic and Charming for one evening during one event during one family reunion but behind closed doors you get the pleasure of experiencing the very worst of them it's as though they get worn out from being Charming with other people they need Supply narcissist need Supply so they need to be Charming to get it they have you locked down so they need don't need to do that with you anymore so let's go back to this issue of personalizing I had to lay out that context so like you said they're two-faced they have those special people they're so nice to let's say one of those special people that they like so much lets them down or someone at a party that they're being so charming and charisma at insults them or slights them in some way just sit back and watch then that other person who seem to be getting the best of your narcissist is very quickly going to see the worst of them again equal opportunity offenders they're going to go at anyone who gets at their insecurity so let's go back to the original premise this is what this video is supposed to be about not taking it personally versus personalizing it when we talk about taking something personally it's an acknowledgment that their behavior hurts and taking it personally when a narcissist is abusing you absolutely makes sense if someone gaslights you it's abusive if someone invalidates you it hurts you feel something that's absolutely personal I get that but here's what's interesting their behavior is actually not about you you're like a piece of furniture to them it's really about their fragility their lack of empathy their incapacity for intimacy and their incapacity for closeness when I say don't personalize it it what I'm trying to say is it's not about you although it affected you it's like if it rains one day the rain isn't about you even even if it ruined your party this is an important distinction I never want anyone to feel ever in these videos or my work as though I or anyone else is telling them to not feel obviously you have to feel your feelings are always valid you feel when someone treats you badly you feel anxious angry hurt a whole host of feelings when I'm giving the guidance to not personalize it I'm trying to give you a tool to disempower the narcissist s words if you think someone really is calling you out on your shortcoming or failing or even something that's not really your failing it feels awful but if they're calling you out on something because of the voices in their head that's a very different example so bear with me while I use sort of two examples to try to teach this the first example is going to be a bit of an exaggeration to make my point you're walking down the street Street in a city a person you encounter is on the sidewalk disheveled un camped and clearly doesn't have a consistent home next to them are their strewn belongings in all sort of in and out of a shopping cart they start coming up to you and say you're ugly you're as ugly as a martian I know you're ugly inside and you and you're inside and out ugly because you were sent to get me go away you ugly person you're an ugly Martian and you stay away from me would you personalize that probably not you may assume this unfortunate person is living with a severe mental illness you may walk away quickly you may even feel uncomfortable fearful or even angry all feelings it it would feel personal because it was targeted at you in that moment but you wouldn't personalize it you wouldn't believe you're an ugly person from Mars right would you this example obviously is an easy one to get your head around because the commenter is clearly mentally ill and you don't know them it's there's nothing other than them saying terrible things to you but you wouldn't personalize it you might even barely take it personally so let me try another example a hypers sensitive narcissist in your midst gets snippy with you because you shared your feelings about a situation that had just unfolded between the two of you you you share your feelings appropriately perhaps you say to this narcissistic person you know I feel sad I'm sad that we just haven't been doing the basic things that people do in a relationship together and on top of that the bulk of the workload in this household is falling on me I'd love it if we could share it a little bit like divy it up so we could do things together and then they respond oh my God you are being ridiculous will you stop being so sensitive can't you see I have deadlines do you really think that cleaning out the garage is spending quality time together good Lord you sound like you're crazy get some help if something as small as oh we don't spend time cleaning the garage together makes you sad what about then all you did in that scenario was share a feeling that's it and in fact you wanted time with them that's it and then you got a soliloquy on how you are ridiculous at potential mentally ill so can you apply the same rubric here as you did when you were called a martian that this is the narcissist inability Can you view it through the lens that this is the narcissist inability to process any kind of emotion so they Gaslight you and minimize you your feeling is valid their response is what's abusive you aren't mentally ill for wanting to express a feeling and a desire for a connection if you can view it from that perspective then you are not personalizing it even though it feels personal you can then place the bad communication into the narcissist and yes there's nothing you can do no words you can say to stop their gaslighting I know it feels helpless but it's true all you can do though is take your power back by recognizing that their dismissiveness and unac is unacceptable frankly and your reality is valid dealing with narcissists is an exhausting way to live that's the bottom line anyone's going to acknowledge that the more you've got the more exhausting it is constantly reminding yourself to not personalize something that feels personal is a very tough distinction to make in the moment but whether you do it in the moment or in a few minutes it's important to make because if you do not have the luxury of no contact or getting distance or really good boundaries you need to find a way to stay sane so yeah your life with a narcissist is a series of dismissive invalidating minimizing even dehumanizing moments daily hourly and it is exhausting and yeah it is definitely taking a toll on your health but when you can create some kind of mental distance even if you can't create physical distance that's important you need to recognize you can't change them stop wasting your time on arguments that go nowhere and spend that time cultivating and owning your reality at Le at a minimum at least you can get some much needed perspective if you do that and of course it becomes very very important as part of your healing to establish healthy relationships healthy friendships collegial and Community relationships that go back and forth that are mutual anything that that gives you an antidote to the blackhole one-sidedness of a narcissistic relationship so I'm asking you to do something that feels impossible but it's very possible I'm asking you to stop personalizing the personal give it a shot it's my hope that this video explains the difference and even as I sat down and thought about this video I'm like I'm ask actually asking them to do the impossible and even as you're not personalizing when something's personal it does take a toll on you it absolutely takes a toll on you okay so you need to give yourself a moment at those times how whatever your healing ritual is and I'm going to be having a video coming out on healing rituals in in in the next few weeks but this idea of if if something feels personal it is exhausting it it it's awful to have your reality doubted it's awful to have someone make fun of you however when you can say yeah this doesn't feel good just like I don't know cold blustery rain doesn't necessarily feel good you can also recognize that I don't need to personalize this the rain isn't coming for me and while this narcissist words feel cold and harsh and awful they do this to everyone to protect their fragile sense of self if you can catch yourself in the moment and do that you will actually be amazed at how strong you feel in those moments it takes a lot of practice trust me even personally this is a skill I've been honing for years and when you get it right and it's a little bit easier when the settings not as personal like at work when I've done it I'm like I'm feeling mighty strong WR right now this is used to be a person and a situation that would get me worked up it's a lot harder when it's a family situation or a relationship situation but I swear you can get there you may not get it right every time if an argument's really really personal really cutting to the core of things that are core issues and core wounds for you this distinction I'm making here doesn't always work but if you can get it right a significant chunk of the time and really understand this personalizing personal distinction you'd be surprised Ed at how much more it makes these relationships endurable so as always thanks again for tuning in I hope I made this clear let me know if I did as always these comments become very important to all of us give me a like if you liked it if you didn't I get it and then also uh hit that notification Bell and we'll let you know every time we put out new content bye

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 22,628

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Id: j-ZtXsacH2c

Length: 44min 17sec (2657 seconds)

Published: Wed May 29 2024