33 min of Patrice O'neal doing comedy on women & black people.

[Applause] fantastic here's what i found out about my girl she's been with me for five years i've only been working for eight months i didn't i'm looking at her like [ __ ] you didn't realize she was a hoe for four years and four months women love a little better y'all look better than us you ever get sick and [ __ ] you got something you should go to the hospital but [ __ ] don't go to hospital so you're just like oh [ __ ] i'm getting ready to die i don't know what the [ __ ] is going on you coffee and then your girl come in and she look at you like [ __ ] you ain't gonna die i'mma save you oh my god i'm gonna get you soup i'm gonna kiss your back i don't give a [ __ ] if i catch what you got and she gets you through that sickness then she gets sick and you be like god damn [Applause] [ __ ] you can't make soup you that [ __ ] [Laughter] holy [ __ ] i can't catch this again i took a week off because i had it last week [ __ ] here's something i gotta understand man cause y'all think you know man you don't know god damn [ __ ] thing cause you don't need to know we need to know about you sense of humor if this is if you want us to like you i mean you go around and do what you do but if we really want to like us this is what you know men sense and humans based on this this is the principle it's we're philosophical about dumb [ __ ] we're philosophical about [ __ ] we're very thoughtful about [ __ ] that means nothing here's his conversation two dudes can have if women went around and [ __ ] up the fun of the conversation i could look at you and go hey yo hey would you [ __ ] a [ __ ] if she didn't have a nose and look wait but here's what he'll do he'll do this [Applause] what you mean no no's like the the tip is gone nah [ __ ] a hole in the face like a skeleton [Applause] can i cover the hole with my hand and [ __ ] nah [ __ ] you got a [ __ ] and looking right in the hole in the face [Applause] what's she look like other than the hole in the face she finds a [ __ ] all right [ __ ] [ __ ] a [ __ ] what i don't know now ask your girl that [ __ ] cause you're trying to you broke a guy without a nose i got that guy without a nose that [ __ ] is stupid you can't [ __ ] it up [Music] [Applause] can you just be hypothetical for five minutes [ __ ] hypothetical that's what we do it [Applause] transformers yeah yeah that's stupid a carter a robot y'all to learn oh here's something else here's something for you seriously if you want to know um here's how you learn how to make your man uh like you and desire what you want which is love all right equate how you feel about your vagina to how we feel about our time and our space you understand what we have to do to get busy the things we have to do now i can't [ __ ] you against your will you got a desire to want to [ __ ] me if i [ __ ] against your will that's rape now if i'm on the phone i say look i gotta go and you say well i gotta go i wanna talk to you some more you are raping my time you are taking something from me no means no [ __ ] i said i don't gotta go [Applause] why are you forcing me to stay on the phone and talk to you about nothing [Applause] [Laughter] a lot of black women here you wonder why [ __ ] [ __ ] white girls here it is white women i'm serious you just do this because [ __ ] men love [ __ ] in general so we try to learn about it all white women are about 15 to 20 years ahead of y'all and doing nasty [ __ ] hold on black women just started taking an ass when what 12 13 years ago when hennessy got popular when hennessy got popular y'all would take it in the ass when i was 19 i couldn't even do the wet thumb if i was [ __ ] like i couldn't even do that and sticking an [ __ ] i had a [ __ ] have a butt naked meeting with me when i tried to put a thumbnail she stopped and was like why would you why would you put your thumb in my ass oh serious no you talked to me did you get hepatitis and all types of [ __ ] from that [Applause] and you don't even know what to say oh i just feel like putting my thumb and ass off it was there i just was going to switch it in and it's just there [Applause] that's what it is you see women going uh here's the lesson anything selfish that you go do that don't be pretty with it look at i want a girl when she's sucking my dick i want her to look like an ugly [ __ ] playing dice and spin on it and choke on it a little bit we like that too that's sexy all right i gotta go man you look at this girl's face like the stone indian which that's your girl bro oh i like that i like that you feel that you know what he said he said look at her and look at me that was a compliment to you or to her oh i thought it was to you and i thought you was kind of good looking so the head was kind of like over here but she meant you so but we all thought you meant that so basically he he was saying that she's too pretty for this they got that misconstrued because they couldn't believe somebody could be that much of a lying ass liar see what happens when you lie down it's just whatever this she just a friend of yours so how long you been trying how long you've been trying how long you've been trying to have sex with her and friendship your way into it it ain't gonna happen she's gonna use you until you're finished she's going to tell you all kind of her problems she's going to have you go out to dinner with her hair annie up man have her annie up man give it up how long you been knowing them uh uh not having a good time how long you been knowing this guy because i don't like her i don't even know i don't like her already she's just sitting there hey she's not fun and you've been trying to make this unfun [ __ ] one day lay down and give you some booty by what how how how that's just curious to me man i want to hold you bro 25 25 25 all right i know it was that's that's 15 20 years ago for me man so i don't remember those i don't even i don't even play around no more with all that crap man i was like man friendship is friendship uh sex ain't happening man i got a bedtime now i used to be man i'm telling you i was a pimp man you don't understand not not that i put women on the street just open but like i had man god damn i had swag i had a little bit left but like not as much as i you know i mean like i go to bed just you know she's like come on let's go to bed watch like it's 8 30 what are you seriously gonna ask me to come to bed at 8 30. get out of here why let's fire it let's just come on let's go to bed why don't you want to come to bed why are you staying up and i'm thinking to myself i don't have a reason other than i'm an adult [ __ ] what excuse do i have to have to stay up if i feel like staying up oh come on let's just go to bed what time you're gonna come to bed you'll be like i don't want to commit to a time five o'clock in the morning 18 more hours i might come to bed i'm gonna sit up all night and stare at this fly that's trying to land on my sandwich that's sitting on my stomach me in this fly developer relationship we're friends because i'm trying to i'm dozing off and the flies running and she's like okay well i'll sit out here with you and you'd be like oh and then the fly be like yeah all right i'm like wait fly wait a second the fly's like i'm gonna be dead tomorrow man enjoy enjoy going to bed yeah i'm like nah nah don't sit out here with me you're gonna spoil everything go ahead get in the bed get the bed ready go ahead get it ready go get it i throw my sandwich away and say goodbye fly and then i'll walk in the room where the bedroom's supposed to be ready but it's just ready for her i thought this was us an us thing our walk-in is 197 degrees i'm sweating as soon as i walk oh my god as hot as and she's underneath 47 duvets shivering i'm like are you all right are you not well she's like yeah hey you're in the bed please i'm freezing i turn on the ceiling fan she's like ah ouch alex is burning the freezing arctic wind burning my face turn it off god and i turn off the ceiling fan it's hot and i go okay all right what up when i get on top of the blanket she's ain't no no no please get under here with me oh god i can't sleep without you underneath the 45 comforters [Applause] are you serious like you don't have no respect at all for me i'm getting under the hot god and her feet are cold so she wasn't lying like i'm like maybe she's dead she's dead this [ __ ] is a zombie [Music] oh i'm trying to turn the tv on the tv i had the lights i'm dying from tv like [Laughter] i said can i leave it down so i can read the words [Applause] [Laughter] so now i'm burning up my retinas because i'm trying to read a magazine with the cell phone like to make her life better and you don't care that's why guys get all like weird because you don't respect what we go through you think he wants to see you every day this face just look at her face it's just like a stroke victim just it's just can you imagine if i'm your man and i have to be with like i'm trying to disco dance to make your life better i'm sorry say that again you have to make me laugh no no don't even go home that's what i knew she was gonna say that's the face she has and that's the that's what you deal with that's what she has to add yeah the way you laugh who's gonna make your miserableness that's not my job to pull your misery from inside your gut i don't know what happened to you i can't make the things you're still dealing with from when you were six come out and laughter she and this is why you know she's not this is women you have movies in your head that only star you directed by you everybody else is laughing and she goes you have to make me laugh the fact that laughter's contagious should help you dead on the inside that's you stop it stop it you don't know what you're talking about she does look at that face she knows don't get mad i'm just saying you need to stop being so wrapped up but that's like he's saying you're auditioning for him to be your man at some point this guy is a nice guy he actually you know how fast i would get rid of her as a friend i would throw something in the garbage just so i can blame her for stealing it i'll be like hey [ __ ] my watch was right here i put it right here [ __ ] [Applause] you stole from me ho cuz i could never talk to her again cause let me ask you okay bye show of hands guys uh how many of you your woman tells wonderful stories the guy holding this woman and she's cold okay go ahead no no no no okay no hey you you yeah yeah great stories well let's see that hand held high bro told you and he look at this white couple right and she's just like because she don't look like a villain and so she just but she don't tell good stories she just she don't what's your name dave what's your name hi hi this is truth when you call dave from another room dave immediately he goes the what does she want now [Applause] dave you want to hear what happened to me today you'd be like oh i make my girl tell me the end of a story first before i invest any more time into listening to the rest of it you wanna hear what happened to me today no what happened somebody got shot all right go ahead try the toy story [Applause] she starts off wrong you know my friend diane right uh no i don't really i don't you know diane i don't know diane i i don't yeah now i gotta tell you another two-hour story so you know who died remember ten years ago i made you go to a party you didn't want to go to and i introduced you to some people you didn't care about well diane what's one of them remember [Applause] yeah yeah i remember you don't remember you're just saying you'll remember so i could tell the story faster well why don't you tell the story faster sweetie who got shot did diane get shot no did she did she shoot somebody no well why did you say diane because we were talking and she don't like guns and i don't like guns and i think they should make a rocket ship and shoot all guns into another oh god shot nobody if you're gonna yell at me forget it oh you made me feel bad were you not hopeful that there would be change with obama in office we love magic man we don't like talking reality that's why i never really fell for the whole thing we like that's why people think ancient dishwashers have predicted the end of the world in 2012 man i don't believe in that ancient dishwasher the apocalypto goofy little short dude i don't i don't believe in it you feel this though you feel this it's just like oh cause i said ancient dishwashers but let's be honest that's some funny [ __ ] but what ryan predicted the end of the world bob you gotta [ __ ] joke about something about the end of the world [ __ ] um jump in roseanne i don't know i hate hope i got into a little trouble at the airport because you know i have a whole issue with the uh tsa and all that [ __ ] security which is a [ __ ] puppet show let's be honest it's a joke it's a total fraud well i um i i've spent a little time in some small windowless rooms because i don't want to be complacent because complacency is the problem you know people just go oh well that's the way it is and well that will be the way it is so but but then you know i got to make a flight because every year or two i have a gig so i i just was hot under the collar one day i was traveling a lot and then you know they started with the [ __ ] and i got a little hissy fit and the guy goes hey i'm just doing my job and i said oh yeah where's the last time i heard that oh yes nuremberg and boom right into the little room but i'm always afraid they'll go up my butt like you know where they take you and i it's like where do you fly no the guys they put me in the little room and the guy started putting on rubber gloves i'm like you can't go with my butt you can't i'm terrified because who knows what the [ __ ] people are going to do now here's my problem with that whole thing a fat black [ __ ] that is at the [ __ ] gate right i mean can you name the to say her name it has to be tamika and don't and don't try to set me up they should do your white humor for you [ __ ] i i i feel you bob i want to know i'm going to call it right our first offense is someone trying to get home at five o'clock to see maury versus somebody who lives breathes and eats killing me and i don't trust them to make my life safe because they're they're reactive they're not thinking of things i think of things all the time on how do i blow up the airport if i'm a terrorist i still don't understand what the problem is with having people looking inside your ass i don't understand did you ever think that when we were young you know back when we were alive that we would like be going we would be going to the [ __ ] airport see the army guys with like guns and badges and [ __ ] like this [ __ ] nazi germany did you ever think it was going to be like that well of course i didn't are you telling me okay no i didn't think that say something attached to what the [ __ ] they just said all right okay what can come out your ass after that let's figure it out that's some chewing gum [ __ ] what's coming out your i have never had the n-word thrown at me more really i like saying [ __ ] that i i want to use it exactly so it's not and this is the thing i love the [ __ ] word right and not cause i love to say call anybody and they got called why you want me [ __ ] it's just i like that word why do you like that word can i ask because black people ain't getting no money for slavery we ain't gotta go we're gonna get reparations what we did have is language we got to say anything we want the way we want which is the reparations which is the fact that i can say cracker all day and everybody goes but because that was my payoff as a black man i get to say what the [ __ ] i want to white people any time i want to say so are we [ __ ] even yet or what i think that maybe it's for women that it's dangerous to have anything but a right wing opinion i think it goes like this black women can say anything they want white women can say 95 percent of things they want black guys can say the next level things are what and straight white dudes can't say nothing i want to ask rosie about this speaking of uh women taking risks yeah i got in a little bit of trouble for that too that is [ __ ] it's so [ __ ] it's so funny but like yeah thank you check out my [ __ ] hitler [ __ ] it's it's hitler these are little gingerbread jews aren't they yeah it's like a jewish woman and she's dressed up like hitler and um you know he's in drag hitler and he's making cookies and he's really proud of him but also he's looking off into the horizon because he has a dream it was for heed magazine it was their germany issue and who who better a symbol of germany than hitler and now what did your detractors have to say about it oh my god you don't want to piss off jews even if you're a jew don't piss off trump nobody piss pisses off jews worse than jews yeah all jews hate each other jews went crazy over this understandably i don't see understandably i'm like i'm it really pissed me off because they're like you're making fun of the the people in the ovens well i'm not making fun of the people you kind of are though i kind of have not i mean let's be honest here the only thing would have been worse if you made the cookie skinny [Applause] so not wow people ask me who my favorite comedians are is richard pryor and george carlin i didn't look at them and go i could do that's what i could do i looked at them and said i want to i'm funny but i can't do that but you know what now people watch comedy and go shhh i was hilarious to start doing comedy man i hear that took all my money away man let me ask you this is it the commerce that did it to you it's the fact that i had to pay a bill and the fact that when i first started i used to care about whether this guy left this guy or this woman but then as i got my first uh compliment on my first paycheck or whatever it i started to use people you talking about in the business like if i think somebody is in here that could do something for my career i'm using these people to show you how funny i am to get what i want as opposed to really loving them but i'm trying to love the people again that's what made me start comedy so at what point did you realize that that had happened to you and you decided to when i got suicidal when i was sitting there broke this is back when burger king first came out with 99 cent sandwiches and i had two of them on my stomach one in my hand if i had a gun because i came from the first time i ever did the aspen comedy festival i killed so hard i was scared i was gonna be famous and [ __ ] and then it didn't happen like i wanted it to happen and i got disappointed and i said [ __ ] it let me just i'ma just do what i do which is why [ __ ] don't know me from a goddamn home you heard the claps roseanne wow wow whoa we should be wooing and what about your material man you're feeling good about that yeah i love that i love being able to say anything i want i had to learn to stop caring about people not laughing because the idea of comedy really is not everybody should be laughing it should be about 50 people laughing and 50 people horrified you know what i mean it's supposed to be people that get it and people that don't get it people if for some reason the people who don't get it have a lot more energy to say you suck harder than the people who love you we only hear the one person that looks at us with hatred but they usually also get up in the middle of your show and say [ __ ] you and walk out i've had that i haven't and i i actually thought i heard that you have to stop worrying about your careers what you because you are stopped worrying about it it's done mini meat no burns 40 with high blood pressure diabetes i'm feeling i'm the oldest dude during this show man you're fine vern troyer is gonna do another movie minnie me if he can get shot out of a cannon into a vagina you're gonna work the rest of your here's the life [ __ ] about bob he leaves it like this shit's poignant let me tell you something about vagina son just finger something with all due respect as a friend my suggestion i have three daughters uh you are trying to fix them up no i'm suggesting wow man you really are cool i knew this was going to go there what i'm telling you is you got to get outside yourself everybody has to get out of the narcissistic and i'm a big narcissist what i'm suggesting to you is have a child first thing it's seven minutes but a child will give you a projection outside a minute seven minutes of material immediately okay but but it's a panel what you need to do though is get outside yourself congratulations thank you [ __ ] it's a type 20. don't say don't say tight about my child but but i'm saying if you get out of yourself and not make it about you and have a a kid is a thing that does give you hope bob i i understand what you're saying but it also makes you go when they go patrice you want to do celebrity fit club if i have a kid i go yes if i don't have a kid i'd go nah by celebrity fip cup patrice means full house okay i i did the show hello my name is bob i did full house hi bob okay no kids you have no children do you do full house and do you do america's funnies on videos if you didn't have any kids and i'm not disrespecting you i'm asking you that would you want the answer yes uh the the first thing i did it took me eight years of hosting at the comedy store and the improv in town and working clubs and trying to get a job and then the first thing i got was richard pryor movie critical condition i went and did that and then never thought i'd work again i did just have a baby and i wanted to be on a sitcom forever and the producers of it saw me in the richard pryor movie critical condition and that's why they hired me so i wanted to be on a sitcom so the answer is would i do it over again this is the path you go through the doors that open and uh if the door doesn't open you can't push on it because you're [ __ ] yeah so you know i would uh play the gay father of three again fair enough fair enough not now i'm gay on that show you weren't gay on that show were you no i lived with two men in san francisco i was not gay i don't judge people in hollywood that do anything cause you just don't know man if steven spielberg says hey you're gonna be in jaws 12. if you get a call from steven spielberg and he says you're in jaws 12 you're going to be chum [ __ ] you you don't want it okay do not take do not take it don't take that it'll be the same call that roseanne gets from steven spielberg when he says he loved that picture of you as the nazis oh yeah yeah that'll happen that's [Laughter] um hey guys this has been phenomenal thanks for being here the show you've got thank you this is your show by the way which i think is exciting [Music] [Applause] wait a second i'm happy about that too because provincial got [ __ ] luck and if he get a show on tv i know i could get one on television thank you thanks for coming and playing man roseanne patrice o'neill sandra bernhard [Applause] do [Music] you

Channel: Laugh Up Club

Views: 273,918

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Id: hSEAtEyKz7g

Length: 33min 43sec (2023 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 25 2020