30 things that people in narcissistic relationships are told

hey everyone it's Dr Romany welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships and anything you ever wanted to know about narcissism but we're afraid to ask and today we're going to talk about it's a long list the 30 things that people in narcissistic relationships are told so before we get to that all right let's start this video with a proverb that I included in my book just to get us oriented the proverb is this until the story of The Hunt is told by The Lion The Tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter so this month in the next couple weeks a lot of the content on this channel is going to line up with my new book it's not you usually I keep a copy around here but it seems to have gone missing it's a way to share some of what the book says and even expand in some ways this channel gives me a unique opportunity I was limited by a word length in the book so I get to talk a little bit more here than was actually in the book and then you have to go to the book to get the rest so today let's take a sneak peek at the introduction of my book so I'm going to start with the proverb okay so the proverb is one of those places where I sort of you know kind of nailed the book down right it's an old proverb and it's one that often catches people by surprise right because we view the lion as the strong the strong thing and it's a force to be reckoned with right but even though the lion certainly could take out the hunter the hunter has an advantage the hunter has the Weaponry to take the lion out despite the Lion's Own Strength so let's go back to the core of that saying right that the that the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunt Hunter I'm going to be frank with you when I read that proverb again and I was thinking about this video this channel is guilty of that too I talk a lot about the what and the why of narcissism what it is why they are the way they are how they behave their sensitivities their proclivities their wounds their traits their tactics their inner psychology all of it why do I do that because it's hurt so many of us right we want to understand it as though by understanding it might hurt us less or that we might actually figure out the thing we could change what's even more interesting is if you look at even just the literature even what the the psychologists and psychiatrists read and the therapists most of the literature about narcissism is about the narcissists right how they behave in relationships why they succeed how they lead how they behave in the workplace how to do therapy with them how they became the way they are here's the thing folks there's virtually no zero none literature on what happens to people in narcissistic relationships a little bit of the literature about what happens at work takes it on there's a couple of things about relationships but when we look at the science there's nothing and even that literature does this annoying little thing where the researchers at the end of their paper will make a suggestion like and so therapy with narcissistic people is important to help end these patterns that's silly right we know that's not going to help instead these authors should take the more courageous leap and speak the truth basically say something like we need to educate survivors on how harmful narcissism is but nobody takes that stance because if they did their work wouldn't be published mental health practitioners and researchers have been taught to not speak the painful truth about narcissistic relationships for a very long time up to the present day now I don't know that the literature on narcissism always glorifies narcissistic people it generally describes it kind of objectively it talks about the patterns and it talks about their personalities but if you read this literature you learn about this group of people who have a personality who despite their insecurities despite their shame to the world they seem really sure of themselves they may make more money than other people they have better dating profiles they have more sex higher Social Status they're often in leadership positions there can be a bit of a chicken egg situation there but by and large for almost all of them the narcissism was a jumping off point to their success some of the authors in this literature I talk about connect trauma to narcissism and it's true there is some relationship there but none of this ever talks about how narcissism affects other people but even those of us who have experienced narcissistic relationships and narcissistic abuse we've gone through something something that has been completely unacknowledged by the world of mental health so let's review the 30 things that people in narcissistic relationships are often told number one you're too sensitive number two you have no right to diagnose someone else number three you're a bad person for being critical of someone who has NPD that's an illness you know number four you have unrealistic expectations number five everyone has something going on you can't expect them to be perfect number six they had a tough backstory too number seven seven come on there are good things in the relationship focus on those instead number eight they're just yelling it's not abuse Let It Go number nine they're just speaking their mind and keeping it real number 10 stop taking them so seriously they don't mean it number 11 you aren't perfect either number 12 maybe you should ask yourself why you stay in this relationship maybe you're responsible too number 13 maybe you should take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you're doing as well number 14 maybe they're just responding to how you are behaving and your demands number 15 you have a nice house a nice life number 16 they just have a lot going on number 17 can't you find another way to say it maybe you aren't being clear with that them number 18 Express gratitude to them more often and tell them all the good things they do so they feel appreciated number 19 forgive them everyone deserves a second chance number 20 take the high road even when they take the low road number 21 you're too needy number 22 it's just a generational thing your parents just come from a different time time number 23 that's your version of what's going on but they have their story too number 24 they mean well number 25 is it really that bad number 26 he's just insecure got him a break number 27 just try harder with them number 28 maybe they changed they said they're trying number 29 if it's so bad just leave number 30 I've never had a problem with them maybe it's you it's not you while understanding narcissism may help with radical acceptance with realistic expectations with un nodding the self-blame with understanding how this works while all of that is really important it still isn't the tale of the hunt told by the lion it still isn't how the traits of narcissism translate into motivations like power that translate into behaviors like manipulation that translate into anxiety and confusion and self-doubt and hopelessness that's when it becomes the story of the Lion of you we need to focus more on how the trauma bond forms and what to do about it how subjugation by parents affects children when their parents deny their needs and shame their identities how victimhood can keep us locked in cycles of pity and guilt how our empathy can be used against us we need to focus on the tail of the lion the lion usually is strong and formidable until they come into the unfair fight of the hunter with their weapons and the hunter who tells a story that glorifies themselves and minimizes is the lion it's time to take back the story Take Back The Narrative from the narcissistic person who is bold and Visionary and a winner and shifted to a focus in the fact that it's simply not okay to subjugate another person and never allow them to be their true selves or to manipulate and Gaslight or to rage at them or passive aggress at them no matter what the narcissistic person's backstory is and just as the hunter rationalizes the hunt as sport as their prowess and their ability to take down their prey and the likelihood that they will trivialize the prey we have to stop blaming people for getting into these relationships we are told that charm Charisma confidence Swagger and success are good but we aren't told how important and frankly essential respect kindness compassion and goodness are we shame people for staying in these relationships we shame people for leaving these relationships it's time for the story of the Survivor so stay tuned this month today forward for the content that brings the book to life thank you again for your support to order it hit the link in the video notes and please do add this list of 30 I'm sure there are many things that have been said to you I didn't think of or have never heard again thanks for your support I hope that this video kind of gets you excited about the book and recognize that there's a whole lot else hanging out in that introduction for you to read to tell you the tale of the lion thanks so much

Channel: DoctorRamani

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Length: 11min 20sec (680 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 14 2024