Fear of Intimacy Caused by Codependency, Abandonment, and Lack of Boundaries

hi beautiful YouTube family namaste Lisa a Romano here and I have been asked to do a video about codependent love and what's the difference between like a codependent love versus a healthy love and a healthy mature love so the first thing that I want to do is preface this video by talking a little bit about what I think codependency is so we all have this equal playing field so we all understand you know that we're on the same page so um when I first found out that I was codependent I was actually diagnosed with codependency and depression simultaneously and my brilliant therapist said to me you're codependent but you're codependent you're depressed but you're depressed because you're codependent I was like what a codependent my only definition in my head about codependency was related to alcoholism or drug addiction and I was neither an alcoholic or a drug addict and my ex-husband was neither a drug addict or an alcoholic so I didn't quite understand how he could associate me with codependent I was ignorant I had no no understanding of it but I really had nowhere else to turn my life was spinning out of control very very quickly and I knew that I had to do something fast so I read everything I could about codependency now over the years I have expanded my understanding of codependency and I see codependency almost in everything for me I believe that codependency is tied to a need to feel seen that has been frustrated and children have a natural need to feel seen in their childhood they need to feel psychologically seen and when our parents are addicted or when our parents suffer from depression or when our parents have some other issue that blocks them off from being able to relate to us we grow up feeling unseen and so now what happens as we grow up we have this unmet psychological need to feel seen and attached and to bond it bonded with others which is very natural and so what happens is we now are unconscious of this unmet need and we don't feel worthy because we've been made to feel like we're not worthy of this this bonding that we never received so we know that we want to feel seen so what we do is we go out of our way to try to make other people see us by trying to be good enough so unconsciously as codependence what we'll do in love situations is if we're a needy codependent we will try to be good enough for someone else unfortunately we don't attract someone who is able to love us just for who we are we will attract somebody who in my opinion mirrors the energy energy of one of our parents who there goes my paper whatever so but what we end up doing is we attract people who cannot see us because that's a carbon copy or a template of our childhood experience and we are unconscious of this idea that we're stuck recreating the same template from the past trying to feel seen by energetic beings who mirror the vibrations of our parents that's the energetic scope of things in my humble opinion so we don't know that so here we are as codependence seeking love relationships but we're really trying to do is get this unmet childhood need met in our adult relationships and we attract people who cannot see us so now if I'm a needy codependent I will attract somebody who is avoidant unfortunately um because they're not they don't have they're not very good when it comes to intimacy either I'm not good when it comes to intimacy if I'm a needy codependent because I'm not being intimate with myself I come into the relationship looking and expecting the other person to see me and validate me so it's sort of like where these puppies that are starving and hungry you know please see me please feed me and we unfortunately attract people that can feel this in us can feel this and they're very comfortable closing themselves off so they're loved avoidant in most cases now what happens is in a codependent love relationship is when the person who is the needy codependent gets sick of chasing after the avoided analogy what'll happen is they'll start to back off and the avoidant personality will sense this this disconnect and then they come they start pursuing and they start advancing the needy codependent and then the needy codependent thinks oh great he or she is finally on board they understand that I'm not playing around anymore and then the needy codependent will begin to engage the way he or she used to and guess what happens the avoidant personality goes back to the other side and this is the swing so in most cases this is what it looks like the needy codependent is chasing the avoided the avoidant codependent and then when the needy codependent gets sick and tired of chasing the avoidant personality what will happen is they'll retreat and then once this gap gets further enough along and the avoidant feels like uh-oh I've lost there you know my narcissistic supply or I've lost their affection oh they're not chasing me anymore and I can't get to play out this you know cat and mouse game with love what will happen is they'll start to turn around they'll come around and they'll give the needy codependent some attention just enough to get them back on the hook and then this dynamic begins again so codependent love never feels comfortable codependent love feels very you're always on edge codependent love feels like imagine being a puppy who's starving for their owners attention and affection and today we're going to play ball and today today we're going to go out for a walk today today today it's going to finally happen I'm finally going to be enough they're finally going to see me there is this a lot of a lot of emotional energy when you're in a codependent relationship codependent love if you are the avoidant you are constant you are also seeking the other person's validation you're just very cool you're very cool about it you're like you know you're like Rico suave you don't let the other person know that you actually need their attention when you're the needy codependent you're very obvious about it you buy the other person gifts you you know you know somebody on my live stream event from my coaching program today said that she's dating somebody who makes her soup and checks on her just lovely but when you're a needy codependent you're always on call for the other person the other person so you know if you're the needy codependent you're always thinking what are they doing what are they feeling what do they need what didn't eat what what need can i fulfill what thing can I do for them now how can I prove to them that I love them how can I show show them how good I am now if you're the needy codependent what you're really trying to do unconsciously is to prove that you're good enough for them and sometimes what we'll do is we will try to appeal to this person and make this make them need us so that they never leave us so we take on all these demands of the other person willingly we've become an extension of the others other person because unconsciously what we're really seeking is we want to get them on the hook we want them to need us because if they need us they have to see us but the problem is after a certain amount of time we grow old of that and once we feel like we've secured their need we want something deeper and when we want something deeper and we start to retreat like wait a minute what about May the dynamic flips and that's where we experience chaos because the person who has been chased after is like what do you mean you know what do you mean you're not bleaching my socks and so on my socks anymore what do you mean you're not making me three meals a day what do you mean you're not picking up my dry cleaning what do you mean you know you're not making me chicken soup because I've got the sniffles what do you mean they're shocked you know it's like what I mean but inevitably this is what happens if you are a needy codependent who finally attracts someone into your life and they allow you to take care of them so there's someone who's like yeah sure cut my toenails it's fine you're sure I massage my feet you know they're liking it you know they don't have to give you they don't have to give because you're constantly giving and you don't know how to receive so there's no opportunity for them to or really they don't have to give you because you don't know how to stand there and expect a need to get met because you're out of touch with what you need really as an adult because what you're still doing is you're still chasing after these childhood needs these needs that were unmet when you were a child but of course we're unconscious and we don't know that and so as an adult what will happen is when you are in this codependent relationship and you finally find somebody who will let you cut their toenails and wipe their butts for them what'll happen when it'll happen is you will eventually grow old of that you will eventually grow tired of that you will eventually grow grow so exhausted and ultimately what happens is with needy codependence sometimes this happens in a few months sometimes it took me about 30 12 years to really get sick of that type of relationship where I was like I'm freakin exhausted dude buy buy your own damn underwear like buy your socks I want to buy your sneakers anymore take care of yourself but it's but at time that happened in my life I had three children that I had to take care of I had a business that I had to take care of you know I mean the the responsibilities that I had in a day were overwhelming but it really wasn't my ex-husbands fault I went into the relationship feeling like like I needed to prove myself for his love and I was the person really both of us he liked to be taken care of and unconsciously I was seeking my mother's approval I did not know that he was my mother's energetic twin so very early on in our relationship I absolutely created the template that ultimately destroyed our marriage because I was I'll do it I'll do it me me me I'm a good girl I'll take care of it what do you need what were the you know that was me and after 12 years and my body collapsing and I just couldn't take it anymore and when I came to him and I told him I can't live this way anymore he was stunned not his fault so codependent love feels very much reminiscent of our childhood experiences with trying to gain parental love so for anyone watching this video you know if this resonates with you what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to ask yourself take out a sheet of paper you know maybe journal how does the relationship that I'm in today remind me of my relationship with my mom or my relationship with my dad or if you've been adopted or if you've spent time in foster care you know what I'd like you to do is on a piece of paper in your journal ask yourself how do the relationships that I attract today remind me of how I used to feel or dream about the parents that I had you know which they had or how does if you were in foster care for instance so many of you who write me have have suffered attachment trauma have been given up for adoption or your parents have passed on early on in your life and your childhood and you suffered a severe attachment trauma where you never felt validated by the being that brought you into this world that's that's a true attachment trauma and any of you who have suffered in foster care or have been given up for adoption I really really beg you to research attachment trauma you know if interested my coaching program deals with attachment trauma you know and eventually hopefully you can take part in that right now I have a program that's going to start not in not September first after that won't happen till 2017 but even if you don't take part in the program I really want you to start investigating attachment trauma because it's real you all of us needed to feel seen by especially the mother who brought us into this world there was a true connection there and when that connection goes interrupted for any reason for any reason and our connection and bond with our mother gets corrupted we suffer an attachment trauma even though we have no memory of it the amygdala has downloaded that trauma and it is within our body it's in our visceral body the trauma associated with that that break that interruption in our bond with our parents has been downloaded into our bodies and it doesn't matter if you can't remember the trauma that's irrelevant before the age of three or four the the hippocampus which is what catalogs trauma isn't even matured yet so but the amygdala is mature and the amygdala is downloading this trauma so it's in your body and it's not your fault so those of us most often codependency as a result of that type of a trauma so I implore you to please investigate that so codependent love let's wrap this up codependent love feels very anxious and it feels makes us feel like we're always trying to achieve a love so if we're the needy codependent we're always trying to achieve we're always waiting for the other shoe to drop but it's a happy shoe we're always we're waiting for the day our spouse finally says you're a good girl or thanks honey be the best husband in the whole world it just took me 25 years to figure out that's what the needy codependent is waiting for that's codependent love and that's unnecessary we have to learn that we are enough and that we don't we have to learn how we have to learn the tools that we need to learn so we stop seeking validation and other people and that is possible that's what I teach if you are the avoidant codependent who isn't comfortable expressing yourself because perhaps in your childhood you were so wounded and you were so abused that you know the idea that you had learned to wall yourself off can be protected from the people that you loved it wasn't safe to verbalize it wasn't safe to let your emotions out but hey you know even though it wasn't safe you're stealing human being and you still need to feel loved and you still feel need to feel connected to but the way you go through life is you go through life avoiding intimacy and you attract needy codependence but both people are in the same boat both people are trying to find ways to get there need to feel seen met but you could be the avoidant who walls himself off and who tries to men are very good at this what they do is they show their wives that they love them in doing things in raking the yard in mowing the lawn and going to work like in a man's head that's how I'm loving you and in a man's head maybe she'll tell me she loves me and maybe she'll tell me she's I'm great because I went to work today that's really the way a lot of men's minds work and men out there if you're watching this video and you agree with me please give me a shout-out because women don't know this stuff we really know we have to we don't know that you know if you were abused as it as a young boy and also it's also the stigma in society what we've done to men as little boys we've told them that you know boys don't cry that's not true you know beyond your gender you're a human being and human beings cry it is a release so there's nothing wrong with crying it's actually a natural and healthy to cry but we don't know this but when when we're men and I'm speaking for you guys out there so send me a shout out please thumbs up hello speaking from my brothers out there oh we just have to understand one another you know if you're a little boy and you've got this downloaded that it's not good to cry and I have to be big and macho you know um you will need to get your needs met to feel see in some way and a safe way without having to show your feelings a safe way will be in the doing and the caring and men think with I put on my suit every day or I put on my work uniform every day and I go out and I make money for my family that's the way I love them and a man wants really does believe that that's the way I'm showing you that I love you and that's the safe way they have to men have to learn how to come out of their shell a little bit come out of that fort that they build them they keep themselves trapped in and learn to verbalize and vocalize with their mouth with their throat chakra I love you and I go to work and I it's my way of showing you that I love you and I'm sorry if I haven't really verbalized that you know and I'm sorry if I haven't found a way to make you as my wife or my partner whatever it is I'm sorry that I haven't really made it completely clear that this is the way I'm trying to love you you know but I do love you and that's why I go to work and that's why I come home every day and that's why the money from my check goes into a joint bank account you know because I love you um be awesome if men could could verbalize that so women can understand women really don't know that that's how a lot of men who are withdrawn and don't speak about their feelings but are comfortable with the wife chasing them women really don't know that that is the safe way that a man is trying to relate its relate to the person in his life so there are a lot of women that blade that way to where men are more you know my brother is very very verbal he's he lives with his heart on his sleeve and he's very variable about he what he wants with his wife um and his wife is actually in my opinion more avoided so this you know this it could be a man or a female relating but what I want you guys to take away is the codependent love style where there's usually somebody who is very needy and more aggressive towards the relationship and more active and more emotionally invested verbally and obviously and the other person the partner to this needy codependent is someone who walls himself off and likes the attention but is afraid to be verbal and put themselves out there both of us are doing the same thing there's the Italian there it is there it is but both people are doing the same thing both people want to feel loved and both people want to feel seen so a little exercise I hope couples are watching this that would be awesome so if you're a husband out there or that that wants his partner to watch this video go grab or send her this video watch it together if you're a female out there that you're the needy codependent you want your husband to see where you're at that'd be awesome because I believe that this type of a codependent relationship if both people are on board they can actually heal it and have an amazing life experience because you're both wounded you might not know it but you're both wounded and you both want the same thing so I suggest that what you guys do is if you're on board is both of you so into the relationship a little bit every day you need to see a marriage as a separate entity so imagine that the two of you are standing inside your kitchen and you're looking outside your window and you see this beautiful patch of beautiful soil in front of you outside your window and that patch represents your garden and it's a responsibility of each of you to sow that garden with a little bit of love the marriage has to be seen as a separate entity you know when we're in relationships we forget that the marriage is actually a third entity right that both people have to sew into so when you're the needy codependent you're the one taking care of it when you're the avoidant codependent you're just letting the needy could have better take care of everything it doesn't work dear ones it just doesn't work and a lot of marriages end unnecessarily so I want you both to imagine that the garden is the separate entity is your marriage and it's responsibility of both of you to sow a seed of love into that garden every single day so if you're the avoidant codependent it's your job to actually come out of your shell a little bit and to deliberately make a conscious choice to sow a seed into that garden or to water it or to add some sunshine to it or to you know just tend to the garden and how we tend to the garden is we learn to speak from our heart space we give our partner and acknowledgement what your partner needs more than anything is to feel seen a simple thank you for making me breakfast you know thank you for doing my laundry you know thank you for making sure that I always have toilet paper when I need it I mean that's a big deal you know yeah those of us who run homes hello that's me I run this house you know and four people live here and two dogs a bunch of a bunch of fish you know I'm the person making sure that everybody's got toothpaste and deodorant and new toothbrushes and and toilet paper and everybody's socks are done and but a little bit I'm the person making sure that all that stuff gets done that's a big deal you know the dogs always have dog food in the drawer container has it happened because somebody like me is paying attention when my husband says to me babe thanks for taking care of that I really appreciate I really feel like I have a partner you know I feel seen and that child wound that I had from feeling unseen gets healed when we as women say babe thanks so much you know go to a litter your job I know it's hard for you you beat traffic and you come home every day at the same time you know just thank you you know just thank you for being a great partner I see you you know that allows our husbands or our partners to feel seen also it makes it easier for him to come out of his shell so I hope this video has enlightened you codependent love I think is the most popular kind of love but it doesn't have to be we can heal dear ones you have to understand what's going on once you understand why you relate the way you relate in relationship once you clarify it then you can heal it it has been my pleasure and my end my complete honor to come to you today namaste I love you I love you humanity you are worthy we can beat this we can involve the Indian death or break we can become choice beings we can see the world the glass is half-full we don't have to be needy codependence and we don't have to be withdrawn codependents we got this we can change namaste everybody thanks for watching bye

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 62,982

Rating: 4.9344559 out of 5

Keywords: codependency, codependent relationships, intimacy, what is codependency, lisa a romano codependency, intimacy issues, codependent tango, intimacy in marriage, love addiction youtube, codependency and intimacy youtube, intimacy issues youtube, fear of intimacy youtube, codependency healing, codependency in relationships, abandonment issues, setting boundaries, codependent no more, codependency relationships youtube, codependency youtube, self help

Id: ihwioTSGLCs

Length: 22min 56sec (1376 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 06 2016