As I'm sure you know by now, people who are
highly narcissistic engage in a tactic known as love bombing and this happens in the initial
stage of the relationship where they are kind, helpful, promising you the world, buttering you
up with compliments and many other rewards but this loving, kind, compassionate behavior doesn't
last very long. Soon you will feel the negative shift in their attitude, in their emotions,
their behavior, and their energy towards you. They will get distant, cold, and even cruel.
Then out of the blue, they go back to acting kind and caring for a while. I'm Lise Leblanc and
today I'm talking about the narcissist's dance of kindness and cruelty and I will explain
10 hidden motives driving this [Music] behavior. Once the narcissist has gained
your trust and you're attached to them, they will begin to devalue you. At first, it
might be subtle just a little jab here and there, but soon you will find that they are irritable
emotionally distant and finding fault in everything you do. They don't appreciate anything
anymore and they certainly don't want to hear about your concerns and complaints, especially as
it relates to them uh in this relationship. Over time, they will belittle, dismiss, criticize,
and demean you almost constantly. You will be fighting for your sanity and your self-esteem as
the narcissist's disdain for you intensifies and their psychological cruelty worsens, and if you
don't like it and you're not interested in serving them and acting as narcissistic supply, then you
know where the door is. However, if you are still willing and useful then you may be allowed to
stick around and crumbs of kindness will be thrown your way once in a while and here let me explain
10 of the potential reasons for this. Number one: is to keep you motivated and optimistic. I mean no
one would keep putting money into a slot machine if there was zero chance of winning so you need
these small wins here and there to activate the reward center of your brain and remind you
what you're working for. With a narcissist, they hijack your reward system very very early on
um during that initial love bombing stage and they also use future faking to motivate you to work
really hard to get those initial rewards back and to prove that you're worthy of the fantastic
future rewards that are being promised. So, in time you're tricked into thinking that the
relation problems are all your fault and if you just work hard enough you may find a way to
regain the rewards from the past or get those big rewards sometime in the future, but in reality in
the NOW you will only receive very tiny rewards, short bursts of kindness that will act as
breadcrumbs to keep you hopeful, motivated, and on track. As long as you have hope
on a big return you'll keep investing! To learn more about breadcrumbing and future
faking, click on the link above. Okay, number two is that the narcissist wants or needs
something from you. This can be your attention, admiration, validation, it can be your money,
your resources, it can be your services, your sex, your whatever they need that they can't get
elsewhere right this very minute and perhaps that's because they are low on other sources
of supply, perhaps it's because you're just the closest and most convenient person that can
provide what they want... maybe it's because that they know they don't have to expend much energy
to get what they want from you. A tiny crumb of kindness usually does the trick so in this case,
their kindness is not about any fundamental change in their personality or their behavior. It's all
about extracting favors, resources, and attention from you and just furthering their agenda and
getting their needs met in the moment. Number three is emotional manipulation and control so by
creating an unpredictable emotional environment, the narcissist keeps you off balance leaving you
grasping for stability, approval, and emotional relief. They conditioned you early on to be
reliant on their intermittent reinforcements and rewards um for the sense of relief from anxiety,
confusion, and emotional suffering that they are causing so essentially, you've been trained to
turn to the source of your distress for Relief it's like they're using you as a punching bag
but also holding the key to the medicine cabinet and controlling if and when you get that pain
medication that you need number four which is shame and fear of exposure so when the narcissist
believes that you're starting to see them in their true light perhaps you've challenged them call
call them out caught them red-handed they will likely double down on you but if they realize that
this isn't working and you're not getting back in line as quickly as usual they may switch tactics
and turn on the charm remember the narcissist thrives on maintaining an image of flawlessness
but under the surface they are filled with shame and they will do anything to hide this shame and
and avoid exposure so if they get hit with a shame storm or they feel like you're close to exposing
this shameful hidden self they may suddenly turn nice and become more accommodating and agreeable
temporarily um almost like craving your approval but really it's that they need you to see them in
that positive light again to ease their shame and uphold their false fantasy s self so they work
to regain your admiration and get you off their scent but as soon as you're back on board they'll
go back to pulling away disapproving devaluing you to make sure that you're back in the program of
working like a dog to please Chase support and continue supplying them number five you're in the
spotlight and they want a piece of the action they won't be happy that you're getting this attention
but if they can't hold you back or prevent it the next best thing is to get in your good books and
get as close as possible to the action so that they can bask in the spotlight alongside you
and of course get as much credit as possible for supporting you coaching you inspiring you to
achieve whatever successes you're being celebrated for number six The Narcissist may be kind to you
in public to create a smoke screen an illusion to gain social approval and uphold their public
Persona of being a good person this allows them to avoid suspicion for their cruel behind the-scenes
behavior and it's also useful in the event that you should wake up and smell the coffee and start
reaching out for support because now your stories will be harder to believe now that everyone has
seen with their own eyes how supportive and caring the narcissist is towards you in public it's all
about keeping their care Yul constructed facade intact number seven when a narcissist experiences
a narcissistic injury inflicted by someone else so not you they may turn to you expressing kindness
and vulnerability in order to get you to lick their wounds and gain your validation and empathy
eight is to avoid consequences when faced with the Fallout of their harmful actions narcissists
often resort to kindness as a means of damage control it's like a charm offensive that deflects
blame and shifts attention away from their bad behavior by engaging in acts of kindness they
manipulate your perception and get you to second guess yourself and as a result they avoid some or
all of the consequences of their harmful actions number nine is to maintain a facade of normaly
narcissists strive to act like a normal caring and emotionally stable person at least in public
but they also will do this with you on occasion so that they can more easily blame any problems
on you so using this uh intermittent kindness generosity and compassion uh they want you to see
this as evidence that they are well adjusted and that you are the problem number 10 is strategic
re engagement so let's say the relationship has ended maybe you've come to your senses maybe the
narcissist has discarded you um but at some point down the line it might be a few days it might be
a few weeks a few months maybe even years but the narcissist at some point starts feeling alone uh
their replacement Supply didn't work out they're running low uh and they text you they ask to see
you and if you open a crack in the door they may pour on the charm go back to love bombing you
they might even apologize or admit fault begging for another chance the goal is to get back in
sometimes just to prove that they can so they're being nice in order for you to let them back in
and you will learn that they used kindness and charm as a way of exploiting your vulnerabilities
once again so they've reignited hope um made you second guess yourself maybe you were wrong
Maybe you should give them another chance uh aren't we supposed to forgive other people
and this kindness on your part becomes Prime territory for the narcissist to regain control
and reestablish dominance over you a person with narcissistic personality disorder often knows
that they are behaving in cruel ways but they may not know exactly why or what is at the root
of their behavior because they create this dynamic repeatedly it makes it look like they're Chess
Masters having carefully orchestrated every piece of this game but what I found is that most are not
aware and they do not recognize their patterns or their role in their recurring problems they don't
understand or examine why they do what they do nor do they care to find out because if they did
their whole house of cards would collapse so all they know know is that when they push you away
you value them more when they devalue you you work harder to prove your worth when you fear their
rejection and abandonment they are safe from yours when they activate your shame there's lessons and
the cooler they get towards you the more secure and in control they feel and as things spiral down
and unravel they rationalize project deflect gas light and keep all the blame off of themselves
and then when it breaks down it's rinse and repeat often right up until the day that they die
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narcissist toxic tactics click on the link [Music] above [Music]
