You know if you could remember, two years ago, she was my very first guest here in Toni Talks. Now she returns as a new woman, a mother, and more beautiful than ever. Here with us today, Zeinab. - Hi Zeinab.
- Hello. Everybody's prayer has been answered, they always comment, "Future single mom." Really? Yes, they always comment that to me. So to all those that commented that, it finally came true. Single mom, but that only happened recently? Yes, it happened recently. Let's rewind, because I remember that the first time we talked was the first time you revealed you were pregnant. Yes. Then you said you were excited. You even cried back then, because you were emotional, right? - Something like that.
- Until now. Because I lost my baby. Yes. My second baby, Moon. So I labored, and he came out alive. Oh my! So I actually gave birth. Here goes a new set of hormones, girl. Yes, it's like, you're still in postpartum. Yes, I am really still in postpartum because my doctor was checking up on me. I am still in that stage with Bia, then came in a new set of hormones because I was pregnant again. Then I gave birth again. So there goes something else to puzzle my mind so they're all mixed up in there, it's the worst. But you're still beautiful, despite everything you're going through. Only for today. If you saw me two months ago, you might want to kick me out of the room. But let's rewind, because the last time we talked, you were pregnant then you gave birth. What did you feel when you first held Bia? It was different. I felt like, ever since Bia came, my world is different. It's really different now. Because when I was pregnant, I thought I was still a maiden. She was still in my womb. But when I held her, I said, "Nope, this is my life now." "My life back then is no longer my life." You were so emotional during Bia's birthday. Yes. Why? What was running through your mind at the time? Because it was terrifying -- I'm about to cry. This is due to hormones. Hormones again. I was truly terrified back then because her christening was cancelled. it was supposed to happen at the same time. In a sense, I'm starting to have problems. Personally. Personally and also my mental health. It's like all my stress piled up that I can't show to people. Because I convinced myself that this is the new Zeinab. So whatever shit you have, hide it from the camera. That's why I laid low from YouTube. Then I got scared, because I felt like I couldn't do it. I lost Moon, I was also separated with his father while I was pregnant. - While you were pregnant?
- Yes, while I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I had a memorial for my baby and buried my baby alone. I really did everything on my own. That's why on Bia's birthday, I became emotional. Because I was so happy, that I did it all after just two weeks. I said, "It's alright Zeb, cry it all out for two weeks, go all crazy in your room, get some rest." "Do everything you can to be okay then get yourself together because your daughter will be having her birthday." "She needs you." The reason why I was so emotional was because I was very happy that I managed to give her the birthday that she deserves. She deserves that, because I am her mother. I want everything to be perfect for her because if it's not for me, then at least for her. When did you have a personal problem with your relationship? We were fine, like, we were really happy. We had our fights, starting from January, but only couple's fights that I thought if we fight and we made up then it'll be fine, but apparently not. March, was really the time when he would always leave me where it arrived to the point that I begged him. He knew I was pregnant. You were pregnant with Moon. With Moon. He knew I was pregnant and I had a really hard time with my pregnancy with Moon. It was sensitive. I had some bleeding in my first month. That was already my condition. I had depression. I begged him not to leave me because he always left me alone in the house. Why did he keep leaving you? Where did he always go ? When we fight, and you take it upon yourself to lower your pride "Just stay, don't leave me." that's what I did. Then the time came that a separation really happened. All of that mess happened in one month. Only one month, because I really lost my mind. Around that time, March, things got really messy. He was always leaving. He kept picking fights with me without me knowing why. You were pregnant then? I was pregnant then. And then I learned, something was happening. When March came around, last week of March, things got messy. This and that. He left. He changed his address. After three days, I called his parents. I called my mother and asked her to talk to Daryl to fix our family. Because I'm trying to fix our family. I was thinking of Bia and not myself. So he came back. He brought back his belongings. Then it was like God gave me a day, that I wouldn't go along with him, when we had somewhere to go to. Daryl? Yes. That I wouldn't go along with him. Then what happened was, I was left alone in my house. That's when I caught him. In his laptop. Everything? Not everything yet. Then I went to him immediately. How did you catch him with his laptop? - I saw it.
- You just opened it? I opened his laptop and there it was, the messages were open. So now, he was deleting messages in his phone. For Apple users, it still appears in your laptop, right? Everything was there. You read everything? I didn't read everything. What I read was with the pimp. Then, with the other girl he tried to seduce but that was not the worst. I forgave him for that because I thought that was it. Apparently not. You discovered more? From January, I was pregnant and he knew that. From the start, he was already fooling me, our daughter and I. Then what hurt the most, that's why this is also what I want to clarify the reason why I didn't invite him on Bia's birthday, was because he didn't care about Moon, he didn't care for Bia. He kissed his daughter while he was committing immoral acts that shouldn't be applied to our daughter. Right? Then when I talked to him, I asked him to confess everything. He swore that even if his mother dies, even if you die, even if Bia dies, there was really no other woman. He had no other woman? None. Nothing. He denied it. After two days, he confessed everything. Then what he confessed was so brutal that I really wanted to -- When I remember it... What I remember makes me feel disgusted with myself, for my baby. I pitied Bia. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't a perfect wife but that was not a reason for him to do that to me. After everything that I did for him. After every time I fought for him. For everything. You know? You forgave him. I forgave him wholly, it wasn't scripted. I forgave him with my whole heart. I gave my everything to him, I lost the day I dedicate for myself, Toni. What was the last straw that you said it's over? I don't want to do it anymore. This is where "I draw the line." This is the boundary. This is the limit. Maybe when... he said that even if his mother dies, if I die or if Bia dies. Because no father or husband would want their wife to die just to cover his lies. He even involved his mother. His mother who did nothing wrong to him. Vows. Vows are important to me. When I ask you, "Even if you die?" Then you said something like that, it means you meant it. That's where I base. That's the kind of person I am. Because I will not give my word because I would not want to involve other people all because of my lies. Everything we were, he knew with himself that for me, that was perfect. That was the best. Your relationship? That was all me. I put my everything in it, as in all my power, my energy, my ideas, myself, who I am, I put aside all of that, Ate Toni, for my family. It's like, not that I'm -- We even talked. I told him between the two of us, I act more like the man of the house. Even though you know how weak I am, you let me be weak. That's why I kept falling. How did you handle what you went through with Moon? The doctor said back then was that my body couldn't handle it. The stress? My son fought. He came out alive. How many months was he when he came out? Four months, baby boy. He came out alive. So the doctor said, your son was fighting for his life. But, my womb was wrecked. That's why when I lost Moon, I said to myself, that was it. Then after the mass for Moon, I cried so hard. I think I cried for an hour. I cried so hard at Marcos Highway. You were really wailing. Yes, wailing. You let it all out. I said, after that I would no longer cry like that. If I'll cry again, it won't be that hard then it would only be for a short while because I have Bia. I feel pity for Bia. I knew that Bia was the one most affected. But, I also pitied myself. I talk to Moon and Bia every day. What do you always say to them? To Moon -- The moon can always be seen at our terrace, I always tell him to watch over us. Even Bia goes, "Hi Moon!" She goes like that. She knows that it's her baby brother. Then to Bia, I always tell her that I would do everything so that she would be happy, just the two of us. You don't need a partner because I'm here for you. That's the truth. I could no longer deny that. So here it is, you're now a single mom. I remember when we had our interview. You told me, Daryl changed a lot when he became a father. Yes. Because you said that you truly witnessed it. That's why I can compare. When did he change? He told me when our parents met, his reason for everything, was that I changed since we had a child. I was no longer the Zeinab of the past. The reason why I changed, was I chose to be a wife. I chose to be a mother. That's why I look like this. Then he would always say, "You've become so thin." That's what I kept hearing. That's why when I look at myself in the mirror, "What are you doing?" "Is this really it, Zebby?" "Are you really wasting everything because this is it?" "Is this really the right thing because you now have a family?" But in the end I realized, it's not. You can be happy while you have a partner. I just chose the wrong person. Truly the wrong person. That's when I proved to myself that whatever I do, he wouldn't change. I did everything I can. This, it just came to my mind. Last December, he announced during my birthday that there will be a wedding next year. He wanted to plan a wedding next year. This January, he cheated. New Year, he cheated. Isn't it like a big joke? God gave me a lot of signs before it all happened. Also before I lost Moon. while I was in labor, a butterfly passed by me. Then when I was on the second floor, it was raining. You should see it. I will send it to you. Show it to them. My ceiling had a leak because it was raining heavily. It was shaped like, you know how a baby look like in the womb? No way? It's true. Promise. Then the butterfly is with me up to this day because after I came home from the hospital, it was dead but it was on my slippers. This break up was probably for the best. Now, Skusta Clee's free. I'm also free. Don't connect Zebbiana any longer because as a mom, I was really hurt that even her life, her father didn't take into consideration. All because of the foolishness of her father. Bia didn't deserve that kind of father, because I didn't raise my daughter like that. That's why whatever's about Bia, why Zebbiana Harake was the name we used for her, only my surname. She is mine. And that is what I am thanking Daryl for the most. That? He gave me Bia. It wasn't a mistake we got back together back then. That was not a mistake. There was no mistake with all of that. The one who made a mistake was the one who wasn't contented. Bia and I, we were there. We were there for him, but he didn't see us. The two of us, and Moon, were nothing. We were nothing. So it's like for me, if there was someone who took care of Bia and cared for her the most, it's me. And if something were to happen to me -- I have a lot of sickness Ate Toni. You're so thin. I am currently seeing a psychologist. Then I am getting check ups. I couldn't sleep without sleeping pills, without something to calm me down. You have anxiety attacks? Yes. I'm having panic attacks around strangers. Sometimes I go out. I try to practice it. My doctor told me to practice. But I truly tremble and hide. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm crazy. So I'm scared for it to continue. That's why I only want for my daughter and I to be fine. I will start with myself so that I can make it up to Bia while she is there by my side. Then it'll simply continue from there. I will really do everything. It really came to the point that I hide under my bathroom sink and lock myself up. Because I feel like... I was hurting myself then. I was hurting myself. What did you think of yourself then? My life is such a failure. What happened to me is such a failure. Something like that. I didn't know why it happened to me because all my life, in all my 23 years of existence, ever since I was a kid, I can't think of bad things -- To other people. or that I hurt other people. Because I grew up being bullied. I was always bullied, and I never fought back. Now it pisses me off wherein I want to change it. I should be a bit meaner. I feel like what you need is to stand up for yourself. Yes, because everything that surrounds me, is too much. I feel like it's because you have no boundary. You let people step on you. Yes, like that. Like a rug. Like that. That's why it isn't always okay to be nice. When you get hurt, the impact is different because you feel like you did everything then when they return the punch, it's ten times harder. Because you didn't even do anything. If only you did something. It's fine, it's like it would add to your confidence. You can also fight back. So now I also want to fight back. So what do you think you deserve? Now, I believe I deserve... I deserve to be happy. Truly happy. But I'm happy now. I mean, when it comes to being a mother. It's because now I tell myself, I would only love if the person I would love deserves the love that I would give him. Because I saw that he gave the love that I deserve and need. Now, I am starting a new life. Because I need to throw away everything from my past, I really need to, because it was a lot of trauma. It really is. And I don't want to go back to it, to that set up. Now I still cry, every night. Now you think I look beautiful, later at home, I'll look haggard. Because I would wail, that's true. I said, keep hurting yourself, it will become numb, then it's enough. What did you learn from what you've experienced? Everything you see isn't always what it seems. That what I learned the most. I believed it because that's what I saw. I believed in what I saw. I was blind. In love, what did you learn? That you shouldn't give it your all. You'll be miserable in the end. I beg to myself in front of the mirror, Love yourself even just a little. You love others so much. You elevate others so much. You need it more for yourself and for your daughter. What is your dream for your daughter? That she grows up strong. I don't want her to end up like me. I don't want her to be like me who's too soft-hearted. To be easily fooled. To be too forgiving. I don't want her to get hurt because there are really a lot of people that you don't know if they're being true to you at the beginning. What are you thankful for now? That I have them. Also that I managed to go through it all. That's what I am most thankful for every night. Because I couldn't really handle it all at the start. I said, "I can't lose this." "I did all of this then it'll go to someone else." Then at the end I realized. What else are you chasing for? You look stupid. Enough. No more. So there, that's where it ended. Slowly I started to see my own self-worth. Then I can now hear people say, I can go with other people now, that when they say my worth, It lightens my mood. You're right, look at other people, they can see my worth. I on the other hand, cannot see it. My confidence rose. So I am very thankful to those people that surround me. My friends, like Ate Alex, she's one. The people who gave me advice, encouragement, they're the ones who gave me the strength to get up. To get to where I am now. To what I can face now every time I need to perform. Have you forgiven him? For now, my heart couldn't do it. I am truly mad. To everything that happened to me, there's only one person that I blame. I still don't know. If the time comes that I could forgive him, that's for myself. I would forgive him for myself. Not so that we'll forgive each other. To get back together? You no longer see it? I don't know. It's so bad, it was the life of my child, I was all alone. Ate, I gave birth and labor is unbelievable. I was CS (Cesarean Section) with Bia, right? I labored for 16 hours. Oh my! It hurt. I was really moving around a lot. I was waiting for the doctor that would do my CS. When they came, there it's over. She came out alive. Wow Ate! So that's what labor felt like. It hurt, right? It hurt so much. So you girls, don't get pregnant then you'll just-- Oh my! Really... That's why now I can understand my mother when she gets mad and I answer back. You will understand why mothers are so emotional. - Right?
- True, true. It's different. But at 23 years old, the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental pain you went through was too much. Too much. It's at the level of a master's degree. But I feel like at 23 years old, your life is just about to start. I hope so. With Bia. And I'm happy because it's like I have a best friend. - That's true.
- Mini me. She's really your best friend. She really is. You know someday, when Bia's 5 or 6 years old, she'll get to watch this. So let's end this with your message to her. When you can understand this -- I'm about to cry. Whatever challenges we went through back then, our life can change anytime. What's happening now doesn't mean it'll happen tomorrow and the days to come. We'll just enjoy every second that we're together. Because that's the most important now, life. And you're my life. That's why you're the most important to me. I'll do everything so that you'll be okay. So that we'll be okay. Just the two of us.
