Who doesn’t love a good story about a criminal
mastermind pulling one over on law enforcement and sticking it to the man? Well, for every one story of a brilliant criminal
getting away with their audacious crimes, there are countless other stories of truly
dumb criminals failing spectacularly at their attempts. A homeowner in Johannesburg, South Africa
returned home to find their house ransacked and their valuables missing. They immediately called the police to report
the burglary and an officer arrived shortly after to take the homeowner’s statement. The officer settled in on the sofa, and the
homeowner took a seat directly opposite the officer to begin recounting how they discovered
that they had been robbed. Just as the homeowner started to give their
statement, they noticed something was out of place. There, under the very sofa on which the police
officer was sitting, was a strange man, clearly trying - and failing - to be invisible. He was laying flat on his stomach, half under
and half behind the sofa, with his head right behind the police officer’s legs. It turns out that the homeowner had arrived
home before the burglar had had a chance to flee, and he had been hiding under their sofa
as the homeowner called the police and waited for them to arrive! He was immediately arrested, the homeowner’s
valuables were returned intact, and the police had a rare open and shut burglary case in
the bag. If you thought hiding under the couch was
a dumb move, wait until you hear about the Goldilocks Burglar. In 2014, Martin Holtby and Pat Dyson, a retired
couple from Lancashire, England, returned home from a holiday to the surprise of a lifetime. The first sign that something was amiss was
the fact that their mail was not sitting on the welcome mat, and their house was clean
- suspiciously clean. Pat clearly remembered that the house had
been in a state of disarray when they rushed out the door to catch their flights - the
sink had been full of dishes and their kitchen was a mess. And yet, when they arrived back home, they
found a tidy kitchen and clean laundry in the dryer. Had someone cleaned up for them as a ‘welcome
home’ surprise? Not exactly… The couple made their way upstairs to their
bedroom and there, fast asleep in their bed, was a strange man. They quietly snuck out of the house and called
the police, who arrived quickly and arrested 28 year old Lukasz Chojnowski. He had been living in their house for days,
cooking himself meals and washing his dirty underwear - he had even bought groceries and
cleaned up the mess left behind by the couple. The couple would later learn that their window
cleaner had seen the burglar in their home, but assumed he was their grandson, since he
had appeared to be quite at home in their place. The burglar admitted to his crimes, and was
given a 2 year conditional discharge and a 200 pound fine. None of the couple’s valuables were missing,
though Ms. Dyson did note that the burglar had burned an old saucepan, but, she said,
“that happens”. The Goldilocks Burglar may not have been the
brightest of criminal minds, but at least he was courteous! The same can’t be said for these dumb criminals. In the summer of 2012, 2 drunken Welsh tourists
made quite the splash at Australia’s SeaWorld. 21 year old Rhys Owen Jones and 20 year old
Keri Mules decided to take their vacation on Queensland’s Gold Coast to another level. After indulging in quite a few drinks, they
decided to break into the SeaWorld park for some after hours fun, and left a trail of
destruction in their wake. The pair vandalized the park, jumped into
the water and swam with the dolphins, and set off a fire extinguisher in the shark enclosure. After having their fun, the couple decided
to take home a souvenir - a real live penguin named Dirk. When they woke up in their hotel room, hungover
and confused, the pair tried their incompentant best to care for Dirk, putting him in the
shower and feeding him scraps of food. After their hangovers subsided, Rhys and Keri
realized how stupid they had been to take the penguin, so they thought that the best
course of action was to release him into a nearby canal, where they were spotted by locals
as they were wrangling the poor penguin out of their vehicle. The police arrived and they were each fined
1,000 Australian dollars and sent home in disgrace. Thankfully, Dirk was rescued and returned
to SeaWorld unharmed. It’s never fun to hear about crimes against
animals, but this next dumb criminal should make you feel a bit better. This thief got more than he bargained for
when a simple robbery went horribly wrong. The amateur thief had noticed a parked car
with the back windows rolled down, and decided it was too tempting to pass up the opportunity
for an easy score. He stealthily walked towards the car, and
as he passed by, he quickly reached through the back window and snatched a heavy tote
bag from the back seat. Little did the thief know that the car belonged
to Brad McDonald, a professional snake wrangler, and that the windows had been down because
Brad had left his latest catch in the car while he ran some errands. The dumb criminal hadn’t found an easy score
- he’d grabbed a bag full of highly venomous snakes that Brad had just captured from an
underground car park in Sydney. That’s what you get for being greedy! If that’s not enough of a reminder to be
careful who you rob, then this next story might just hit the point home. Just before Christmas in 2004, Jason Shinkarik’s
Winnipeg home was robbed. The thieves stole everything from clothing,
jewelry and watches to cologne and electronics. They also stole every drop of liquor in the
house, and even took Christmas presents from under the tree. To add insult to injury, the thieves even
stole Jason’s duffle bags to carry away their haul. Jason was devastated, but the small business
owner knew he had to carry on with his life, so the next day he went to work at his shop
- Pawn Derosa Trading. That very same day, 3 men in their 20s appeared
at the shop looking to pawn a variety of valuable items. When the men placed the bags full of goods
on the counter, Jason was shocked to recognize his very own duffle bags! He confronted the men, who ran away, but when
the police caught up with them days later - thanks in large part to Jason’s helpful
and detailed descriptions - they were charged with breaking into Jason’s home, as well
as 3 other homes in the neighborhood, and sentenced to 3 months in jail. Christmas is supposed to be a time for giving,
but some dumb criminals just can’t get it right. This one might just be even dumber than Jason’s
robbers. After a 20 year old college student in Washington
was booked for underage drinking, he spent a lonely night in a local police cell before
being released the next morning. After his release from the drunk tank, he
was caught on camera attempting to steal gifts from under the Christmas tree in the police
department’s lobby on his way out. After he realized that one box was empty,
one held a box of tissues, and another was a box of tampons, the would-be thief fled,
leaving the gifts and wrapping scattered in the station parking lot. Getting caught on camera is definitely one
way to get spotted, but the way this dumb criminal got caught will really shock you. Milton J. Hodges attempted to rob a Lowes
hardware store in Orlando, Florida, but was chased out of the store by staff. The failed thief bolted through the parking
lot, ran across a busy street and jumped a fence to escape capture, but he wasn’t in
the clear yet. He had landed smack dab in the middle of the
Cypress Cove Nudist Resort and Spa, and as one of the only people wearing clothing, needless
to say he was easily spotted by police and arrested. You almost have to feel bad for criminals
with dumb luck, but when a criminal obviously thinks they are smarter than the police, like
this next dumb criminal, then they deserve what they get. Calgary police arrived at the home of a woman
who claimed she had been robbed. She was hysterical as she showed the officers
the smashed window where the supposed thief had entered, and she tearfully gave her statement
to the police, describing the jewelry and electronics that she claimed had been stolen. Just as she was getting really worked up,
her phone rang. It was her French-speaking father, and officers
listened as the woman calmly spoke to her father in French. What she hadn’t realized was that one of
the officers, Charanjit Meharu, spoke 6 different languages, including French, and that he could
understand every word of her conversation, meaning he clearly heard her admit to her
father that her entire story was a lie, and it was all a scam to get money from her insurance
company with a fraudulent claim. Needless to say, some “stolen” (n: sarcasm)
goods were the least of her legal troubles. Lying to the police is dumb enough, but some
dumb criminals just have to take it a step further. 25 year old Valiery Portlock thought he had
come up with a foolproof plan for finding new victims to rob. He had equipped his car with lights and an
air horn and would pretend to be a police officer to target his victims. His “genius” (n: sarcasm) plan fell apart
when he used his fraudulent police car to pull over a van in Long Island, New York. When Valiery approached the van, the occupants
identified themselves - they were all members of the Nassau County Police Department’s
electronics squad. Realizing he was in deep trouble, Valiery
fled the scene, only to be arrested a short time later by local highway patrol officers
who had been tipped off by their colleagues. He was charged with criminal impersonation,
reckless endangerment and fleeing the police. Clearly pretending to be one of them is not
something the police take lightly. It may not be quite as bad as impersonating
a police officer, but this dumb criminal got what he deserved for pretending to be someone
he wasn’t. When an Iowa City man realized that his driver’s
license had been stolen, he was understandably frustrated. After dealing with the inconvenience of replacing
it, he went on with his life and thought nothing more of it. That is, until a few months later, when a
man showed up at the bar where he worked as a bouncer, and presented him with his own
ID to attempt to get in! It was an incredible coincidence, and a rare
instance of someone getting their stolen license back. Using a fake ID is pretty stupid, but sometimes
being honest is just as dumb. In Santa Rosa County, Florida, state troopers
pulled over a vehicle for speeding. The car had been travelling more than 25 miles
per hour over the speed limit. When officers searched the vehicle, they found
a large amount of narcotics, including meth, cocaine, fentanyl and MDMA. What had prompted them to search the car in
the first place? The fact that the criminals had stored their
drugs out in the open in bags labelled “Bag Full of Drugs”. The occupants were arrested on drug charges
and the police department made a tongue in cheek Facebook post about the drug bust, saying:
“Note to self - do not traffic your illegal narcotics in bags labeled ‘Bag Full Of Drugs’. Our K-9s can read.” This wasn’t the first time police had taken
to social media with snarky comments. The Winfield, Missouri police department took
to social media to warn the public about a potential new scam in which tricky drug dealers
would rip off their customers by selling them smaller quantities than what they had paid
for. These dealers would apparently place the drugs
on their cellphones claiming they had a cool new scale app, when they were really just
typing numbers into the calculator to dupe their customers. The police graciously invited the gullible
purchasers of illegal narcotics to bring their drugs into the police station to be properly
weighed. Anyone who falls for that one definitely deserves
to get caught! These stories are definitely a good reminder
that crime doesn’t pay, although these dumb criminals clearly didn’t get the message. At least their stories of harebrained schemes
and poorly executed crimes make for a good laugh! If you thought these dumb criminals were entertaining,
you’ll definitely like this video called “Dumbest Ways to Die”, or you might like
this other video, instead.
