A Russian man, let’s call him Alexi, is about
to commit a crime. He’s part of a gang that deals in illegal products. He walks down a
dark alleyway late at night to meet another guy who he’s been told is called Vasily.
The two communicated on the phone just the other day, with Vasily telling Alexi that
his clients are desperate for a fix since that last big bust. Alexi told him not to
worry, a big shipment has just come in and there’s enough for everybody. “We’re all
going to make a lot of money,” said Alexi. So, what exactly does Alexi have to sell,
and what is Vasily so desperate to buy? Heroin…cocaine…methamphetamine…MDMA?
The answer is none of those things. The answer is cheese, and on this occasion,
cheddar cheese…that most wonderful food that originates in the country of England.
These two criminals are well aware that they could do serious time for cheese dealing, so now let’s
have a look why, as well as other insane things you won’t believe are illegal in Russia!
10. Imported food products In 2015, you might have read a story in the
media about an organized Russian crime gang that was arrested for importing
over $20 million of illegal cheese. Ok, you’re thinking, you’ve heard that cheese
might be slightly addictive, but c’mon Russia, really, is cheese really that bad…is it tearing at
the fabric of society. Are there infomercials in Russia showing eggs being fried along with
the words, “This is your brain on cheese”? Well, the Russian government is indeed telling
its citizens to just say no to cheese, but not because cheese is inherently bad for people.
The reason is Russia’s ban on imported food products that started in 2014. This was called a
“retaliatory food import ban”, because Russia was retaliating for sanctions being placed on it. .
The problem was, while this led to cheese production inside Russia increasing, people
still wanted their delicious fix from other cheese-making countries. People wanted real
Italian Mozzarella on their pizza, with some Russians saying the homemade version of pizza
didn’t quite meet their expectations. Italian restaurant owners were up in arms about it.
This didn’t mean local folks were looking at doing hard time for putting illegal
French Camembert on their toast, but criminals have been imprisoned for illegally
importing various banned food products. Right after the ban, there was a hotline people
could call if they thought an illegal food dealer was working in their area. If someone got
a whiff of European cheese in their hood, they could inform the authorities and
the cheese seller could go to prison. Those who were part of the “cheese ring”
we mentioned were reported to be looking at serving 10 years behind bars. It was serious
business, with one source saying Russians were, “buying cheese the same way people
bought weed in 1980s Brooklyn...corner stores have become black market cheese dealers”. It wasn’t only cheese of course. Illegal
products could be meat, poultry, and fruits. Yep, that means that in Russia there’s
such a thing as a contraband sausage. In fact, some Russians watched in disbelief
as contraband foods were destroyed live on TV. What they beheld was the destruction of things
such as Polish apples, Dutch cheese and Danish pork. Even some ducklings were seized by
the cops, and then killed and incinerated. Some folks were pretty darn mad at the
government, since millions of Russians live below the poverty line. Others shouted, “How
can you do this? It's an act of “fromagicde.” But food is only the tip of the crazy iceberg. 9. Popular blogs
So, you’ve been blogging for a while in Russia and you’ve started
getting many page views per day. Damn, you’re almost internet famous and you’re mighty
proud of that fact. But then one day you hear a knock at the door and it’s the cops. They’re not
happy at all about your online celebrity status. The reason for that is, if a blog in Russia
starts getting more than 3,000 page views a day, by law it has to be registered with
the country’s mass media regulator, Roskomnadzor. This law was approved in 2014
and many Russians were not happy about it. The law also means that bloggers cannot be
anonymous and that the data must be kept on Russian servers. If you break any of these
rules you could find yourself in trouble. Critics called the move a crackdown on free
expression in Russia, stating that Vladimir Putin was flexing his muscles making sure that no
one could start criticizing him online. In fact, Putin takes a dim view of the internet and has
said before that it is a CIA project- which is tin-foil hat level of crazy right there.
But maybe there’s a good reason Putin hates the internet...
8. Memes Have you ever seen a really funny meme
containing an image of Vladimir Putin? Of course you have, they’re everywhere.
The memes that likely put Putin in a silent rage are the ones with the image of him riding a
horse and not wearing anything on the upper half of his body. There’s even one with him and U.S.
President Donald Trump on the back of the horse. Kind of funny, eh…but not so funny according to
Roskomnadzor. It said that making fun of people in a meme is illegal, with a law being passed a
few years ago. In its own words the agency said, “These ways of using images violate the laws
governing personal data and harm the honor, dignity and business of public figures.”
But surely the authorities wouldn’t put a person in prison just for having a bit of fun…
Tell that to Maria Motuznaya, a young Russian girl who back in 2018 was labelled an
“extremist” for posting memes on the Internet. Her memes were mostly about religion and not
public figures per se, but that was enough for the Russian government to send the cops around to
her house and take her away for interrogation. One of the memes consisted of a group of nuns about
to light up cigarettes. The caption below was, “Quick, while God isn’t looking.”
We thought that was kind of amusing, but the Russian government didn’t giggle. Far
from it, Maria ended up in court charged with hate speech and offending religious folks’ feelings.
She was looking at a possible six years in prison, just because of a bunch of pretty harmless memes.
When she got the knock on the door and realized she was being investigated for her
allegedly criminal memes she couldn’t believe the authorities were being serious.
She said to the western media, “Honestly, the first time - when I was shown the warrant
- I laughed and asked: 'Are you serious?'. I thought it was a joke of some kind, maybe
it's my friends playing a trick on me.” As her case was going on, a 19-year guy was
also under investigation for posting memes. One of his memes compared the Game of Thrones
character, one Jon Snow, to the almighty Jesus Christ. He was also called an “undesirable
citizen” and he was subsequently investigated. As for Maria, she got off in the end.
The good news is that the Kremlin later decided to change the laws somewhat and not
come down so hard on meme-makers. Still, laws are in place today that mean you could
get into trouble for posting a doctored picture of Putin riding a bear. Yep, that meme
exists. Just don’t share it if you’re Russian. If you think that’s crazy,
it’s going to get crazier. 7. Censored Movies
Imagine a Russian version of Quentin Tarrantino’s “Pulp Fiction” playing in
Moscow’s theaters. How much fun would that be? You’d hear the translation from that opening
part of the movie, when Samuel Jackson is interrogating the young men.
“Say 'what' one more time! I dare you, I double dare you…”
The next word would have to be left out in the Russian version, as would a good part of the
entire script. That’s because in 2014, Vladimir Putin signed a law that banned all cursing in
theater performances. Not only that, cursing is also not allowed in movies, TV, and the media.
Get caught using bad language and if you’re a company you could be fined up to $1,400.
If it’s just a person caught swearing, they could be fined $70. Imagine how much cash has
to be put in the Russian government’s swear jar. On top of that, if content in any form,
including books, has bad language in it, it must have a warning label on the jacket.
It’s said that the reason for the profanity law is to preserve the beauty of the Russian
language, even though Russians curse all the time in real life. Specially Putin when he
sees all the memes about him on the internet. Now, let’s continue to explore Russia’s
love/hate relationship with the internet with... 6. we’re Russian
There are illegal substances in Russia just like there are in other
countries, but Russia has taken things a little further and banned websites that talk about drugs.
The move was to prevent young folks from getting into drugs, but what if folks can’t find
the right information about such substances. Some drug websites, such as the US-based
Erowid, aren’t exactly anti- or pro-drugs, but it can serve as a useful resource if
you want to know more about a certain drug. But in Russia, this could be seen
as promoting the use of drugs and so such a website or blog would be banned.
In 2015, Russian authorities blocked part of Reddit and thought about blocking the entire site
because there was a thread about growing magic mushrooms. A Wikipedia page was also blocked
for a while because it contained information about a certain type of Indian hashish.
In fact, in 2019, Russia banned a grand total of 21,000 websites that contained
information about illegal drugs. Meanwhile, that same year Russia stood in fourth place for
alcohol consumption. Booze is such a big problem in the country that some organizations
have called it a “national disaster.” We should add, though, that Russia has been trying
to crackdown on boozing. Another ban now in place is drinking in parks and other public areas. Yep,
you could be arrested for bringing out a bottle of wine while picnicking with your lover.
Some of Russia’s bans though is something we could all get behind...
5. Jehovah’s Witnesses You can be sure of one thing in Russia and
that’s the fact that you won’t be getting a knock on the door and when you open it there are
two smartly dressed folks who say, “We’re here to talk about the only true God, Jehovah.”
The U.S.-based Christian denomination has about 8.5 million members worldwide, and those
that belong to the religion have been known to turn up at your door while you’re watching TV.
Not in Russia. In 2017, the country outlawed the religion. If you belong to it, you will
be labeled an extremist. Some people are presently in prison for admitting that they are a
Jehovah’s Witnesses and trying to spread the word. What does Putin think about the religion?
He called it “complete nonsense”. Putin is certainly not areligious, he’s just what
you call orthodox Christian. Or maybe he hates getting his tv watching interrupted by
a knock on the door as much as the rest of us. Now we turn to the darker side of Russia.
4. Gay Pride You won’t see the rainbow flag flying on the
streets of Russia this year, or next year, or for many decades to come, and that’s because in 2012
Russia banned gay pride parades for a century. Yep, you heard that right, one hundred years.
In fact, Russia has what’s called a gay propaganda law. It’s not illegal to be gay
or lesbian or bisexual or transgender in Russia, but it’s illegal to outwardly be proud about
sexuality that Russia doesn’t deem traditional. In a country that already has quite a large
number of people who are prejudiced against sexual minorities, the 2013 law only served
to create more antipathy. There are plenty of activists and reasonable people in Russia
that have criticized the law, but their beliefs have often led to bullying and harassment.
In fact, in January 2020, news reports told us that a Russian activist named Yulia Tsvetkova
was placed under house arrest by the authorities. What had she done? The answer is she had posted
a drawing she had created on social media. The drawing had a same-sex couple
with their two children. The text that accompanied the sketch said, “Family
is where love is. Support LGBT+ families!” For showing some love she was charged with
disseminating pornography and she could spend six years in prison. In an interview, she said she
had posted the drawing in support of a couple who had to flee Russia after they’d adopted two kids.
In this respect, when we ask what regular things are banned in Russia, you could
say one thing is human rights. 3. Don’t forget your ID
When Russians reach the ripe old age of fourteen they are told they must carry an internal passport
with them at all times when outside the house. This ID is issued by the Ministry of Internal
Affairs. If a person is found to be without this document they can be held by the police.
Ok, so you decide you want to see Russia for yourself and go there on a vacation.
Whether you are doing some sightseeing in Moscow or are hiking in Siberia, you must
have your passport on you at all times. Yep, it doesn’t matter where you are,
if the cops stop you and you can’t show them your passport you could be fined.
That’s us giving you some sound advice…now let’s get crazy again.
2. Driving Ok, so driving isn’t banned
for everyone, but if you are transgender in Russia you cannot get behind
the wheel. You can’t ride a motorcycle, either. What is this madness you are probably
thinking? Well, the law came in just a few years ago and was supposed to cut
down on traffic accidents in the country…If you don’t know already, Russia is renowned for
its number of traffic accidents and fatalities. But what’s that got to do with transgender people?
The answer is that the government has stated that trans folks have a physical or mental disability.
If you’re a transvestite, or a kleptomaniac, or a fetishist, you are also barred from driving.
Understandably, human rights activists have called this utterly ridiculous. But it’s only
slightly less crazy than the number one illegal thing in Russia.
1. Lacy Underwear In 2014, Russia introduced a law that banned the
sale or production of lace underwear. The same law was also introduced in Kazakhstan and Belarus.
But why, you might be thinking, and it’s a good question. The answer is because Putin
wanted women wearing homemade Russian underwear that was at least six percent cotton.
Women in those three countries didn’t much like the idea of being told what they could
wear and some of them said they didn’t want to go back to the Soviet days when women
wore what you might call boring panties. In fact, a group of women protested the law,
with some of them wearing lacy underwear on their heads and shouting, “Freedom to panties!”
They were subsequently arrested and taken to the police station. One guy who commented on the
law said that people would just go abroad and buy their underwear. He told the media, “I
think this is just another silly law that shows the ineffectiveness of our government.”
He likely thinks the same about the cheese ban, too. God forbid you get pulled over by the cops in
Russia while wearing lacy underwear and carrying a Danish sausage in your pocket.
Now you need to watch this video, “Russian Sleep Experiment – EXPLAINED”. Or have
a look at this, “Why USSR Had No Serial Killers.”
