So often when you ask a couple that's been married
for a really long time, what the key
to a successful relationship is they will say: "compromise". Compromise is often treated
like the sacred cow of relationships. But, it's time for this outdated concept to come to an end. It's time for people to redefine what they think
a successful relationship is, and to understand that if the what
they want as a feel-good relationship, then compromise is to be
deliberately avoided. When many of us are young we do not feel accommodated
and considered by our parents. We feel like our parents are unfair, uncooperative, rigid and unempathetic. They make unilateral decisions, we feel like they're not
genuinely considering and changing and adapting
to what we believe is actually in our best interests. But the fact that
our parents were this way, and that we couldn't really change it means that in order to fit in
into our family unit, in order to stay safe, and in order to get any of our needs met, we had to actually adapt to this. We did this by developing
codependent strategies. Remember that codependent strategies are really covert narcissistic strategies. We are trained that by developing
these codependent strategies, by compromising over and over again, this makes us a good person and a right person, and is the only way that we're
actually going to get our needs met so we actually experience
a reward for doing these things. The problem is, is that this experience gives rise to two very specific things. Things that actually ruin our chances at a positive adult relationship. A deep wounding
around not being considered, not being accommodated for, rigidity and therefore,
not experiencing compromise. Therefore, the desire for the exact opposite. And when I say "desire",
I mean desperate desire. #2. The completely erroneous idea that what love is and what it takes to make
a relationship actually work is compromise. Not only do they do this in relationships, they expect this in return. To compromise is to settle
a dispute or conflict or reach agreement by way of mutual concession. Remember that to concede,
is to yield, give up or give away something you value. To compromise, by definition,
is to accept something that is lower than is desirable. You cannot do these things
without experiencing pain. By definition this means
it isn't actually a win-win scenario. People simply mistake it for one. What you are doing when you agree to a compromise, is that you're essentially
looking at the other person and saying: "I'll take a little pain in this scenario, and you take a little pain in this scenario, or in the future." It's going to be really really difficult to maintain a long-term relationship doing this. But, you may actually be able to maintain a long-term relationship, doing this, but it's gonna be a painful one. Like, you can't keep doing
this thing where you're saying: "I'll give up something
that's important to me and I'll take a little pain, and expect it to be
a feel-good relationship." It will be a painful, potentially, long-term relationship. And this is why I'm telling you it is high time that people redefine what their definition
of a successful relationship is, because so many people
see success in relationships simply linked to longevity. Longevity may be one element
of success in a relationship, depending on whether that's something
you want in a relationship or not, but it is far more important that you define success in a relationship by virtue of how fulfilled a person feels in that relationship, or not. And, compromise makes the feeling
of fulfillment in a relationship absolutely impossible. But here's one of the biggest
problems with this pattern: People with this deep wounding
around not being considered and not being accommodated, to the degree that they associate
love with compromise, don't often feel
the appropriate level of pain in the experience of concession, because they have already
formed this association between giving something up,
and being loved. Or giving something up,
and loving something so much that it means you're such a good person. Essentially, their wires have been
crossed well enough to not experience the normal level of pain relative to compromise. These people associate
their own willingness to concede so as to be in pain,
as a loving act that makes them
feel good about themselves. And they associate other people's
willingness to concede so as to be in pain, as a demonstration of love, as well as a confirmation
of that person's goodness. They expect people around them
to compromise, if those people do in fact, love them. This is one of many patterns that falls into the category
of mistaking pain as love. To understand more about
this pattern, watch my video titled: The Suffer "So I Can Feel Loved"
Relationship Dynamic The other biggest problem with this is that a person who's in this pattern will only be able to seek out relationships that are by definition,
incompatible. Compatibility is when two things,
(even if they're different) are able to occur or exist
together in alignment without problems and without conflict. In a relationship it means
that well-matched characteristics allow for both people to naturally
co-exist when combined together and in harmony. Harmony is not difficult to achieve with people who are
actually compatible to us, but with people who are not
actually compatible to us in some way, it's impossible! Better put, it's impossible when we won't
acknowledge that incompatibility and continue to try to force the scenario, or force them to change,
or force ourselves to change so as to try to force something
to be compatible, that actually isn't. For this reason, compromise is that sacred moral good, because it's what's absolutely necessary in order to try to keep
an incompatible relationship, together. I'm gonna tell you about this sacred cow of compromise. Okay... When compromise was first created
as a social value, within the greater society, compatibility was not a concern
when it came to relationships, especially marriages. Marriages were really about
keeping two people together, no matter whether they were
compatible, or not. Marriages were established
for totally other reasons. And the couple had to make it work, and make it work forever. To do this with an incompatible partner, which so many of them were, you had to be willing to concede
and take a little pain or a lot of pain to make it last. therefore compromises what you teach someone if you want them to be
in an incompatible relationship and to make it last. One of the best examples
that I've heard anybody give for why compromise
is so often a big problem, is the story of a married couple; It's a man and a woman in this scenario: The man in the scenario, the husband, has two pairs of shoes, one pair is brown,
the other pair is black. He loves the black, hates the brown. She loves the brown, hates the black. And so, in order to find
that happy medium to settle the difference, basically, he goes out with one brown shoe
and one black shoe. What's the lesson here? that that scenario we came up with, or that solution or that compromise was actually worse
than either other scenario. Going out wearing one brown shoe
and one black shoe is actually worse than just wearing
the brown or the black. A person who is looking for
that feeling of adaptation, flexibility, change, concession, accommodation and compromise especially if someone's
willing to be in pain in order to do that for them, cannot find this experience
within a compatible relationship. No matter whether it's a partnership
or friendship or work relationship, a relationship has to, in fact,
be incompatible for one or both parties
to enjoy the experience of someone having to and being willing
to concede and compromise. Even if it hurts to do so, in order to demonstrate
their love and commitment. For any relationship
to be an actual good one, both parties in that relationship have to be committed
to the win-win scenario. To learn more about this,
you can watch my video titled: The Zero Sum Game in Relationships (What is A Zero Sum Game,
& How To End One) But, a real win-win scenario is a scenario that's a genuine
"yes" for both parties. Not a: "Well, I'm willing to concede and take a little bit of pain
for your sake." You know that you've come up with
a genuine win-win scenario when both people
come out of the experience feeling like they found a good deal. Not like they both had to give up
something important so as to meet at some central point where neither is actually happy. And the way to reliably guarantee that you're going to be able
to do that again and again, is to realize how important compatibility is in a relationship. You must seek out compatibility
in your relationships. You must seek to establish
relationship arrangements that are truly compatible. To understand more about this,
watch my video titled: Incompatibility
(A Harsh Reality in Relationships) So often, people slip into this strategy of compromise within a relationship, because to be quite honest with you they do not feel like
they have what it takes to face the reality of the incompatibility in their relationships, because of what facing it would mean. Compromise is actually a sacrifice. Compromise therefore, is a recipe for absolute resentment. When someone makes
a sacrifice in a relationship, they consciously or subconsciously
expect a payback or reward for it later. It becomes an:
"I did this for you back then, so you need to do this for me now,
scenario." And if that payback or reward
doesn't materialize, they'll be resentful. Resentment in a relationship
is a corrosive force. This means compromise
is a ticking emotional time bomb. it's a guarantee that when you compromise, you will remember having done it. And the next time
you get into a conflict, you're going to use it as leverage and hold it over somebody's head saying: "I compromised last time. In order to be a good person, you need to compromise this time." It becomes a form of moral blackmail. Either you're going to do that,
or you're gonna compromise again And guess what? you're going to end up
feeling like a total doormat that everyone just walks on. When we compromise, we're not actually being loving. When we ask other people
to compromise for us, we're not actually being loving. When other people compromise for us, we're not actually being loved. If by watching this episode, you realize that you're somebody
who believes or believed in compromise, I need you to see something
and really accept it; And it's gonna be hard. You ready for this? Compatibility, or the lack thereof, suggests that there are some things for which flexibility can exist, and some things for which flexibility
can't actually exist. When we compromise, we have not actually
found the win-win scenario. What we've decided is that a bad deal
is better than no deal. And I'm gonna tell you something, no matter what compromise
it is that you make, you will always measure the decision you made
or the compromise you made next to your ideal scenario, and it will always come up short, which is a recipe for
the opposite of life satisfaction. The bottom line is, we compromise in order to stay safe. We compromise in order to avoid
something that we fear desperately. This means that when we compromise, it is not actually motivated by what we do want, it's motivated by what we don't want. Settling does not lead you
to a happy life. Sacrifice does not lead you
to a happy life. To learn more about this,
watch my video titled: Self-sacrifice The Most
Self-centered Thing in The World Compromise also often leads us
to bait and switching people. And this is how it happens: When we're initially presented
with an incompatible situation and we decide: "Okay, I'm gonna make a compromise", we often agree to something
without really thinking through what it will actually be like
to practically apply that concession that we just made. To implement some concession, is often quite different than simply making the decision
that you can do that. So, a lot of times,
and I mean most times when people make
one of these compromises they end up in a situation where they realize they can't
actually follow through with it. It's impossible to uphold. This means, they eventually
get led to a crossroads. Either they have to stay in hell
for the sake of integrity, or they have to lose their integrity and go back on their word. When it comes to this conversation
about relationships, what really matters
is not what you do for the relationship, it's how you feel about
what you do for the relationship. A genuine win-win scenario
leaves you with a good feeling. Compromise, by definition, doesn't leave you with a good feeling, because when you give up
something that's important to you, you feel that internal resistance. You feel that internal protest. If you bulldoze that feeling and go through with the compromise, you will end up in
ever increasing degrees of pain. And so, to wrap up this conversation: Compromise makes a feel-good relationship impossible. Compromise is the enemy of harmony. Compromise is the enemy of fulfillment. Therefore, the enemy of happiness. And compromise
is the enemy of actual agreement. Have a good week. If you liked this video, be sure to share it, like it
and also subscribe to my channel so you can see more content like this. But I wanna personally thank you
for taking the initiative and having the bravery
to step into the space of awareness not only for yourself,
but for the benefit of those around you. Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
www.tanyaduarte.com
