Attraction is arguably one of the greatest elements
of unconscious human behavior. This goes for even the most
conscious human beings. Attraction exists as a
kind of two-sided coin. On one side you have feeling states
of the highest blissful excitement, and on the opposite side, the lowest desperate suffering. For this reason it's
important to get sober and really understand and
accept the reality of attraction. The Reality of Attraction The first thing to understand is that people mistake appreciation, attraction and love as the same thing. They aren't. All three can exist in a relationship, but they are three
distinctly different states. To appreciate something is to recognize the value
and worth of something. It is to positively
recognize its attributes. To comprehend attraction in a relationship, you have to zoom out with the
aperture of your own perspective. When you do this, you will see something interesting; Attraction is a pull. It's that simple. It's a pull in the same
way that desire is a pull. This pull occurs on
a kind of sliding scale. From preference, to wanting to needing, to craving. Attraction is always an indication that there is something you
are wanting or needing. And it may be something you
are not consciously aware of. And usually the more
attracted we are to something, the further away we feel that we are from that thing we want. And therefore the more
desperate we are for it. Attraction may be an indication that something about the other person is what you are wanting in a partner. However, we have to accept that's so often when we're attracted to somebody, it's not about the other person at all. Instead it's something that we're wanting, that we feel that we can achieve through association with this person, through alignment with them. And we feel like we can
secure that experience or that thing that we're
needing and wanting by committing to a relationship. Whether it's boyfriend/girlfriend, romance or even friendship. Attraction without exception, is always a call for personal expansion. Because it is an indication that there's a personal
wanting that exists. A movement in the direction of something that one currently does not
have or is not experiencing that one wants to have our experience. Recognizing what that thing is, what that missing experience is, what that want is, what that need is that you think
you can get via that person, is a completely necessary
ingredient for conscious choice. Making this recognition is what it takes to see whether or not getting into
a relationship with somebody is actually the best way to meet that need or to get that thing you're wanting. Often it's not. If we aren't conscious of what it is that we really want and think
we can get via this person, we can become like a person
so desperate for food that we eat a poisoned apple or so desperate for one thing, that we lose other things
that matter in our life. Now, here's something that's
really important to understand; Attraction is not love. Because attraction is unilateral. Attraction is inherently self-centered, because it's about a personal desire, a personal want. Love is not. Love is to take something
else as a part of yourself. Doing so means their best interests, their wants and needs are part of your own. Love is in fact a conscious choice. It's the conscious choice to take somebody as part of yourself. Now, the reason that this is so confusing, right? is because appreciation and attraction make the choice of love really easy. In fact, they make it so easy, that instead of it feeling like a choice, it feels instead like a compulsion. Here are some examples: A female client of mine
became attracted to a man. When she really examined what she loved about being near him, it was that he was very wealthy
and therefore very powerful. This made her feel protected, it elevated her status and
with that her self-esteem. Also when she was with him she was not under so much
pressure to provide for herself. What she was wanting was the
relief from financial pressure, protection and safety and also status and the
esteem that comes with it. There's nothing wrong with these desires, but only once she saw that
this was what she wanted, could she evaluate whether being
in a relationship with this man was the right conscious
decision for her to make, or whether she should go about
getting those things in different ways. One woman might have made that evaluation and decided that it was in
both her and his best interest to get into that relationship. This woman however, decided the exact opposite. Because when she imagined him
having no money and no power at all, she wanted nothing to do with him. One male client of mine became attracted to a woman. She was super beautiful, hyper ambitious and motional explosive. The exact opposite of him. In the beginning, this relationship felt exciting. After a while they started to fight. His lack of ambition began to bother her. Her ambition began to bother him. They never had the same
priorities because of it. When they would fight, he would become withdrawn
and she would explode with rage. When he examined the
attraction consciously he saw that she embodied all of the things he had disowned within himself. He saw that she was so
much like his own mother. Then he recognized that a
part of him was convinced that if he could get her to prioritize different things than her own ambition, prioritize him, that it would be healing
that wound within him. It would be the same as his mother prioritizing him over her ambitions. He realized that he needed
to end the relationship, because his own wants and needs and even that unhealed wound, would be better served by finding a woman who flat out prioritized him, instead of her own ambitions. He also realized that his own expansion would be better served by
re-owning his own ambition and his own emotions. In truth, they were
completely incompatible, especially in that they wanted
drastically different things. One male client of mine became attracted to another man. Now this man was doting and he was stable and he was responsible. Everything that this person
wanted in a partner. When he examined his
attraction to this man, he realised that he wanted
stability in his life. And he wanted to create that stability in tandem with a truly committed partner. Even if he was not in a
relationship with this man, there were things he genuinely
appreciated about him. The things he wanted for his life were the same as what this man wanted. He made the conscious
choice to love this men. Because of this he decided that the best choice would be to
consciously commit to this man. They are now happily married. The first problem we get into
when it comes to attraction is the meaning that we
assign to attraction. As you can see, probably I have changed the way
that you're looking at attraction just by what I've already
said in this video. But here's what we do, whenever we feel
attracted to somebody we assign meaning to that attraction and that meaning gets us
into a hell of a lot of trouble because we tell ourselves
things like this: "Oh the attraction that I
feel towards this person means this person could be the one." "Oh the fact that I'm
attracted to this person means that we are meant to be together physically or emotionally or both. It means it's a sign from the universe pointing me to my perfect partner. It means we must be
compatible at our core, if we aren't it's just a matter of
time or healing before we will be." "Oh, no... It means I'm not meant to
be with my current partner." The actual meaning of attraction can be far far different from any of this. As people have so painfully
found out in the past. But I will tell you that
fairytales and Hollywood don't help with the meaning
we assign to attraction. The second problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is overlays. What I mean by this is, we have an idea for what
we want in our life. And we're super unconscious, when we become attracted to somebody, about what specifically it is that we're wanting or
needing in the scenario that we think that we're going
to get through that person. In other words, we're unaware of what desire, being in the presence of that person, triggers in us. Because of this, we take our fantasy for what we want, even subconsciously, and we projected over the
top of the other person. So we don't even see them at all. When we feel attraction to someone we ignore anything that's telling us that in reality this person
does not match the vision of what we want for
ourselves and for our life. We do not recognize
incompatibility where it exists, instead, we become like casting directors. We mistake attraction to mean that this person is the character we've been waiting for
in our vision of our life, that we've been trying to create. Now any sign, that a person could potentially be part of that play that we want our life to look like, means that we instantly cast
them in the role of that thing, without realising they may not actually be that character. You know how a casting director works, they get a line of people and they say: "That one fits the role the best." We kind of do that in our relationships. Here's the problem, we become convinced that that is who they are in reality. But we're not in love
with the actual person. We're in love with the character
we want them to play in our life. When they act in character, we approve of them, when they break from character, We disapprove of them and try
to criticize them back into it. It's critical for you to
understand overlays when it comes to
understanding attraction. for this reason watch
my video titled: OVERLAY (What Prevents You
From Having a Real Relationship) When we're in an overlay
in a relationship, we're like moths flying towards a flame thinking that it's moonlight. The third problem that we get
into when it comes to attraction is that we fail to recognize attraction as a greater calling from
the universe at large towards our own unification. This is perhaps the most important thing to
understand about attraction. Our consciousness is not
in a state of unification. It is in a state of fragmentation. Our consciousness splits. It is in fact the primary coping mechanism for a physical human. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Fragmentation
(The Worldwide Disease) What we do is we identify with and we own, we become a mirror of the parts of us that kept us safe in our environment. The part that we felt,
ensured our well-being. We do the exact opposite with any parts of ourselves which we feel do the opposite. When we feel like a trait is not
going to add to our well-being, it's going to keep us unsafe, is vulnerable, we suppress reject deny and disown it. This creates splits inside us. It polarizes us internally. Polarity implies attraction. Just like a magnet. When oneness is the underlying
truth of the universe, then polarity too, will forever be finding
a way to become one. Our being wants Integrity. It wants wholeness. That's what healing ultimately is. Therefore there will always
be an internal wanting whether you're conscious
of it or not, for unification. And this means that our attraction is going to be towards what? Those aspects of ourselves that we suppress reject deny and disown. This lovely time-space reality which we live in, is based off of the law of mirroring, which many people call: The law of attraction. What this ultimately means is
that anything that is inside us, is going to be projected externally. Almost like we stepped
in front of a mirror. That means that people are going to show up in our life that are a match to all aspects of us. This includes people who
are a perfect reflection of that which we deny, disown,
reject and push away from ourselves. What will happen here
is that we will initially feel attracted to them, when they show up in that external mirror. Because that's where that
polarity exists, like a magnet. The closer we get to them, however, the more this is going to flip, because the closer we get to them, the more we're going to have access to those feelings that belong to that aspect of us that we suppressed, rejected,
denied and disowned. It's going to bring up
the original wounding that caused the fragmentation
to begin with. Now eventually, instead of feeling in
love with this person, we're going to reject them, deny them and disown them the same way we did that part of
ourselves that they are reflecting. This is by the way, the main reason why our attraction so quickly can turn to pain. Attraction is so often an indication that you have suppressed,
denied, rejected and disowned a part of yourself long ago and are receiving a calling to reintegrate that part of yourself. Doing so is in fact, the only way to be sure whether someone
is actually compatible to you. It is also a powerful way to eliminate the crazed
craving you might have for that person who you know does not contribute to your well-being even though you're so attracted to them. Now this is the universe's loving way of causing us to reintegrate but in an external way. It's almost like, if we're able to love that thing, which is a reflection of what we
rejected, denied and disowned, it's an externalized way of loving that part of ourselves. So you can understand this,
I'm gonna do an example; Let's imagine that at 4 years old a little girl's daddy leaves. When she leaves the family, obviously this puts mom in a position
where she has to get a full-time job. So now almost overnight, this little girl has lost
her emotional support and she has to be alone, almost all the time. She has to fend for herself. There's nobody there to work
through her emotions with her. Now, there's still this very
vulnerable side of her. It's gonna be represented by this tile, see the pattern? Now this part of her is vulnerable. This part of her needs people. This part of her really
wants mommy and daddy. This part of her needs guidance. This part of her is dependent. This is not going to get her
anywhere in this situation. Is it? Because nobody is
gonna care take this part In fact, it's gonna get her in more trouble. So she's going to do something. She's gonna split between
this part of her and a part of her on the other side, that is independent. This is the part of her that can
climb on top of the counters and get her own food. This part is fiercely independent, doesn't need people, in fact, pushes them away. Because this one knows that getting close to people
leaves you feeling like this. Now when people describe her as she grows up, they're gonna describe this one, because this is what
she's identified with. This is the aspect that shines
through her as her personality. People will describe this woman
as a fiercely independent woman, who is kind of edgy and
really doesn't need anyone. Is it the full truth of her? No. But this is what she has suppressed, denied, rejected and disowned. because of that, this is where the polarity exists. So where do you think her
attraction is going to be? You got it right. So what's gonna happen is this: In this law of attraction based universe, There's gonna be a person, let's call it a man, who is in this pattern. He is a perfect reflection of this one, in the external world. Now when she initially meets this person, she's gonna feel the attraction. At first. Then, as time goes on, she gets frustrated by his neediness, frustrated by what a
childlike person he is. Frustrated by his dependence, frustrated by how clingy he is, what she's really reacting to, it's more like this, What she's really reacting to, is that part of herself. And she is gonna treat him the same way she treated
this part of herself. She's gonna eventually reject, deny and disown it. She's gonna push it away just like she pushed this part
of herself away to begin with. Now the other alternative here, which is what the
universe is trying to force, is that she can, in seeing this reflection, when she comes to love that part of him and love those aspects of him, she's drawing that part of herself closer and creating an integration
within herself. This can be done consciously as well. Which is what I'm trying to teach
people relative to their attractions. It's when you feel that attraction, to the external, you recognize it as a part of yourself and therefore step closer and reintegrate that part of yourself. Now a lot of times this actually makes
the attraction go away. The fourth problem we get into
when it comes to attraction is that the body also has wants. And a lot of those wants, to be quite honest with you, don't perfectly align with what you
mentally and emotionally want. This is where biology comes into play and it comes into play strongly. These wants from the body create physical attraction. The science of attraction and
the biology of reproduction fall into this category. If the body wants to breed
and wants strong offspring. It will respond to pheromones,
for example, regardless of whether the person
with those pheromones is compatible to you in other ways. I will never forget a conversation I heard between two women. One of these women was doubting whether the relationship she
was in was really right for her, because this man had proposed. And she was like: "Well, I don't know if I
should really marry him because like, let's just be honest, it's not the best sex I've ever had." This other woman
looked her and said: "You don't want the best
sex you've ever had guy." "The best sex you've
ever had guy is in jail." Now I had to laugh, because there's a teaspoon
of truth in what she said. Which is that, just because you're physically
attracted to somebody doesn't necessarily mean they
are the right partner for you. In fact physical attraction can be the thing that gives rise
to the very strongest overlay. People go into a kind of blindness when it comes to physically
attractive people. They allow for behavior and all kinds of traits that they would never allow in somebody who is less attractive. If you think you fall into
this type of a dynamic, I want you to play a game; I want you to take that person who you think is so physically attractive, that you can't handle it and imagine them ugly as hell, the most unattractive
you can possibly imagine, now watch the way that they behave, now watch the things they do. If this is a charismatic
attractive person, put them on mute as well. So you can no longer hear them either and you're just observing their behaviors as if watching a silent movie. Now, what do you think of this person? Do you have the same level of appreciation for their behaviors, for the things that they're doing? Pay attention to the way you have felt about everything I've said in this video. Problem number five, when it comes to attraction is, we love it. Let's just all admit it, we love the fairy tale. We love the Hollywood story. We fight for the butterflies. Now aside from the fact that the physical components or chemical cocktail that's
going on within you in response to attraction
feels awesome physically, the main reason that
we fight for attraction, for those butterflies in
the stomach feelings, is because we all know
at a subconscious level, that attraction implies desire and wanting. If anyone tells you to
question your attraction or to go for a relationship that's based off of a conscious choice instead of fierce attraction, all we hear is: "Don't go for what you want." This creates a feeling of drudgery. The reason for this is that our
parents raised us this way. They raised us to do
what we have to do, and not what we want to do. They raised us to oppose our
own best interests and desires for what they thought was best for us. And we became miserable
as a result and uninspired. We could consider the
process of socialization to varying degrees, to be a killing off of the
internal guidance system. And attraction is one of the only things strong enough to survive this killing
off of the guidance system process. It is one of the only things strong enough to make us
go towards what we want regardless of whether or not it makes any rational sense. It is one of the only
things strong enough to force us to follow our
feelings towards what we want and really feel alive and
excited for our future. And here's the thing; Unconsciously doing that, following the way we feel regardless of any awareness around it, is still better, I mean drastically better, then doing the opposite. It is drastically better than denying your own desires. And you're on pull towards
the life that's right for you. That being said, it's going to cause your expansion. Everything does. Blindly following your attractions will cause expansion in every way. Here's the thing though, so will whacking a tree
at 70 miles an hour. The universe has no interest in you denying your needs and desires. What it does want is for those needs and desires
to become conscious. And believe me, if you weren't conscious of what
those needs and desires were it is a guarantee that you would be meeting
those needs and desires in drastically different ways. And often not in the way
of being in a relationship with a specific person who triggers that want
and need within you. When it comes to this point five, the number five reason why we have such an issue
when it comes to attraction, it is critical for you to understand that the universe's message to you is not to deny your desires and needs. It's simply become aware of them so you can meet them in
much more conscious ways than simply flying into a
relationship with somebody who would be the same as whacking
a tree at 70 miles an hour. The sixth problem that we get
into when it comes to attraction is that we assume the
second that we feel it, that it's an indication that we
are compatible to someone. The truth couldn't be any
farther from this if we tried. Now this dynamic is especially true in one situation. It's when our attraction
comes from the desire for someone to be like us, so we can feel belonging
and not feel lonely anymore. This creates a cut from the same stone or the only two of the
same species feeling. But attraction and no
way implies compatibility. In many cases attraction can
imply the exact opposite. For a relationship to genuinely
be a good relationship, it has to feel good to both people. It has to add to the well-being
of both people involved. We have been conditioned to believe that if we are a genuinely good person, we should be able to have
a feel-good relationship with anyone and everyone
regardless of what role they're playing in our lives. But this is completely false. Incompatibility is the
condition of two things being so different in nature, and so uncomplimentary in that difference, that they're incapable of
coexisting harmoniously. But it is tempting to assume that incompatibility is simply
about having differences. It's not. what incompatibility is really about is putting people with these
non harmonious differences in roles or positions with each other' that require there to
be either no difference, or that require a difference that
is non harmonious in nature, to be harmonious. When incompatibility is
present in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before either one or both
people in the relationship will feel shame for
the way they are and for what they want and also feel totally unloved. To understand this concept in depth, watch my video titled: Incompatibility
(A Harsh Reality in Relationships) A lot of people feel uncomfortable about attraction. Now here's the thing, attraction is not going to go away. Attraction is going to
be a part of your life. It's going to be a part of your life regardless of whether
or not it's convenient, regardless of whether or not
somebody is actually good for you, regardless of whether or not
you're in a relationship already. It is a fact of life, because fragmentation is a fact of life. It's a fact of life because
desire is a fact of life. It is critical to know where that attraction is
coming from and why. When you understand this, you can decide what to
do with it consciously. If what you are wanting
is overall well-being, overall harmony, overall happiness in a relationship, then the choice of who to partner with has got to be a multi-faceted and a conscious choice. Not a compulsive one. The way you will experience the relationship with that other
person within your body, is that it will be an exhale, a relief and relaxation in your body. It will feel like coming home, as opposed to an inhale, attention and an excited craving. And the more conscious you
are of what you really want, the easier this will be. The further that you get
on this path of awakening, what you will see happening is that you will begin to
develop an appreciation for all things in existence. You will be able to recognize
the positive in anything. Also, what will happen, is that when you feel an attraction, that will be almost like an alarm bell going off,
that is indicating a desire you have or a fragmentation present within you. You will use it as a call for integration and a call to make conscious choices to line up with what it
is that you were wanting. On top of that, it will feel like you are making the conscious choice to love. And you will be selecting people for roles in your life, according to priorities and genuine compatibility. Have a good week. Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
www.tanyaduarte.com
