Therapist Reacts: How Do I Stop Lusting Over A Streamer?

okay this is a good one chat so how do i stop lusting over a streamer i work for hi dr kane chat i have a crush or lust for a very attractive streamer i'm leaning more towards lust as most of my thoughts for her are sexual rather than fantasy of being in a relationship this fac infatuation has led me to constantly wanting her attention and getting jealous when i don't get it or she gives it to someone else such as her boyfriend i know usually in this situation you step away and distance yourself and use other activities to distract yourself but i'm her editor so i'm quite literally exchanging dms editing and photoshopping images and videos of her hours every day it's not something i can just quit or focus less on as she pays me significantly more than average since she is a successful streamer youtuber i mean sorry for the alt account had to use it since a lot of community members would recognize my main account so let's just kind of quickly review what this uh post is sort of about so there's someone who seems like they're a successful youtube editor or you know photoshopper or whatever their editor and they have a work relationship with a very attractive streamer um who seems to be female and they're having kind of lustful thoughts for this person and they're trying to figure out you know how to stop lusting for this person so there are a couple of important points here to think about so first of all this is very common right so the first thing to understand is that parasocial relationships are a growing factor in our society so what i mean by parasocial relationships is you know like these like relationships to a certain degree with streamers youtubers etc um but it's not just a parasocial relationship right this is like older than that like people have been lusting over their work colleagues since you know there has been work in since the dawn of time so there are a couple of important points here the first thing is that you know if you're in this situation and you find yourself lusting over someone um the first thing that you need to do is be honest with yourself so this person is saying all i experience is lust i don't really i'm not interested in a relationship but if you really pay attention to some of the the posts and stuff like that it seems like they also feel jealous when said streamer is like spending time with their boyfriend so it seems like if you really are honest with yourself there's more there than lust right so if you're feeling like jealous or like upset if this person is doing more than potentially you know then you have to be a little bit careful about that the second thing to think about is that you know if all you feel is lost jealousy is not necessarily like an appropriate emotion and what i mean by that is that like if all you feel is lost it shouldn't theoretically matter to you whether like this person is engaging in sexual activity with other people because all you want is sexual activity with the person so if you you know are concerned that this person is like having sex with someone else and you don't want that to happen then the the truth is that you probably feel more than just lust so then the question becomes like why is lust the primary thing that you experience and that's because i think lust is the safest feeling for people in this situation to have right lust is the feeling that is the most justifiable it's the one that actually hurts the least right i'm just horny like that's all it's just like it's a physical thing so it's actually like a very protective diagnosis as opposed to i'm in love with this person so sometimes remember that the mind will tell you a lie to try to protect you and one of the most common lies that it tells you is like when you feel like there's no opportunity for you to have a relationship with someone your mind will tell you oh you're just you're just horny that's it and because that becomes like a lot more like internally tolerable so the truth is that you may actually have more feelings for this person than just lust it's a little bit unclear to me but i would seriously explore those and that'll become important in a second because you know so the next thing is that unless you really understand how you feel in the spectrum and depth of your feelings dealing with them is going to be difficult because if you diagnose this as a problem of lust and you try to fix a problem of lust but the truth is that there's like suppressed feelings that go beyond lust your solutions may not work right so if you misdiagnose the problem you're not going to be able to treat it well so the first thing that you need to do is be honest with yourself the next thing that you need to be careful about so this goes for everyone out there so a lot of times we know what we need to do but there's a reason that we can't do it right so this person says i know that the right answer here is to distance myself but i can't right and that's a very very dangerous way of thinking so anytime our mind is resistant to something what it actually does is provides us with a very good logical reason that gives us an excuse to not do what we need to do so when i really need to do something and i really don't want to do something my mind will subconsciously give me a really good excuse so that i don't do it right and what this person is saying i'm a successful editor i get paid above average and so i can't leave my job right i have to say oh that's too bad that you have to stay and then internally some part of you that wants to be closer to this person that wants to like you know there's probably some amount of gratification that this very successful and attractive youtube streamers like sending you like you have such an intimate relationship with them they rely on you you're a part of their life you know you're responsible for their success they owe you in some way you also get to see slices of this person's life that other people don't see there's a certain intimacy there right there's all the plebs who get to see the photoshopped images and you're the one that gets to see like the real images there's a lot of like thoughts there that are that are kind of interesting there's a lot of actually intimacy and closeness in the relationship which there's a part of you that probably doesn't want to give up and so because like there's a lot of logical answers here even if you get paid above market rate like if you work with this streamer and i'm pretty sure you apply for jobs with other streamers like if you're a successful editor for a successful streamer that probably allows you to you know do that kind of work for other people at a comparable pla pay but what i'm sort of noticing in this situation and this is for all of you guys is like if you know what the right answer is and your mind says but i can't do it because of this other reason and it provides some kind of justification be careful because that's a sign of resistance remember that the mind when it has a secret desire and this is where like you have to properly diagnose it as long as that desire is secret it will fight against you in terms of like creating some kind of artificial resistance i don't i mean maybe this person is right maybe they get paid an inappropriate amount and it is sort of a challenge for them but that too i would encourage you to think long and hard like just because you get paid less somewhere else doesn't mean that it isn't like a bad idea for you to switch jobs right so remember that what you pay for with financial security can sometimes be like mental health or stalling in other parts of your life like sure you can get paid more if you work 80 hours a week but is that actually like a trade that you want to make the first thing that you need to do is be honest with yourself and recognize is this just lust or is it more than lust and the challenge there is that accepting that it's more than lust will probably be more painful because the actual opportunity for a real relationship may be smaller than like just lost the second thing to do is be aware of your internal resistance and if you know what the right answer is and your mind says but you can't do the right answer because of x y z be careful about that can you really not do that is the resistance really real like that may actually be true but you can probably still you know exert some degree of influence or change or switch your jobs and the third thing to consider is like space in your life so oftentimes you know the people the reason that people get stuck in a particular relationship is because they don't create the space in their lives for an alternative so i'd be really curious whether this person is in a relationship of their own right so are you are you single are you in a relationship this is where we kind of get into issues of like emotional affairs and stuff like that um or even like you know having persistent sexual thoughts about someone who's like outside of your who your relationship is with so i'd really be curious about like the empty spaces of your life so generally speaking when our when our when we have some emptiness in our life we tend to fill it in with some kind of like approximation of the real thing right this is like one of these like you know when i'm super lonely and like i i buy like a a pillow that's shaped like another human and i cuddle that that pillow it sort of like is an approximation of the real thing and it can bring me some kind of comfort but it never really fills up the void so we also see this in like substance use right so when i feel like lonely and bad about myself i feel like empty on the inside and so i can seek oblivion through drugs and like it'll sort of fill things up kind of right so like if i let's say i like do a lot of coke and i go to a party and i like have a blast and i get laid and stuff like that and so like i fill up you know the emptiness in my soul with like dopamine and enjoyment and pleasure but it never truly fills it up and what i found a lot of times is when when we're empty on the inside it can be really really hard to actually get rid of the thing that like is holding us back so when i feel super empty inside like getting sober is actually the hardest thing when you feel like very lonely on the inside sometimes stepping away from some of these like parasocial or work relationships is actually the hardest thing and this is unfortunate but we're going to kind of take a quick tangent into like yogic thinking but anytime we feel empty inside are we try to fill that emptiness through the indriyas or the sense organs so this is where like if you feel like alone or you feel you know like you're not loved or that you want a fulfilling relationship or even if you want to get laid and you bombard your senses with like images of this particular person your your brain is going to be like oh we're empty over here we're getting all of this like sensory input let's try to fill up that input over here and this is where you know if you really want like if you really want to fill this thing up you actually have to get rid of like the sensory inputs so this is where sometimes you know people that i'll work with like they keep on breaking up with each other and then getting back together and the reason for that is because there's not actually space in their life for a new relationship right so when when you break up with someone and then you're kind of like like then you're broken up and then you start like texting them again and stuff like that out of habits and you kind of hang out with them and stuff like that as long as you're socializing with that person there's not going to be space in your life for another person so it's really important to be careful about the way that you know you have a void and the way that you fill it up through certain sensory organs or experiences and try really hard to create the space in your life for someone else to move in because what i'm kind of noticing in this situation is that there's like that thoughts of this particular streamer or youtuber like you have so much sensory input they're like entering your life so much that there isn't space for you to like lust after someone else right because all of your lust is already occupied by this person and as long as your sense organs are being bombarded by these photoshop images for hours and hours and hours a day then you're like you know that's gonna like occupy your lust so i'd say um you know and the last thing to kind of think a little bit about is just acceptance and grief so this is hard but one of the one of the skills that we're never taught which i think is one of the most important skills to learn is how to grieve so the last thing that this person could do is like grieve this loss and what do i mean by this loss it could be the the possibility that um you know you'll never have a sexual relationship with this person so you have to kind of like let that go like except hey it's never going to happen the other thing that you could do is is grieve the loss of the the lack of a true relationship that you have a professional relationship and that maybe you want more than lust and you just have to like learn how to grieve right like you can't ignore it you have to accept that it's there and this goes back to number one which is like be honest with yourself and then like grieve it so you have to like mourn it right so you have to like sit there and think about all the things that you want and accept and think about how you're never going to get them and as you go through that process of grief even though it's really really painful because you're going to be uncovering all of your coping mechanisms and you're going to feel like naked and like terrified and pathetic as you go through that process the good news is all of that negative energy all of that negative emotion that you're suppressing is actually gonna like come out it'll overwhelm you for a while but then it'll actually start to subside and then hopefully you'll have the space to take kind of the right steps forward so unfortunately this is something that we see very commonly so this is a case of you know someone who's close to like a streamer or youtuber or something like that has something of a professional relationship maybe a parasocial relationship and it's really challenging because it's happening more and more and more so like basically how do you deal with you know lusting over someone that you may not be able to have a relationship with and it comes down to first of all being honest with yourself because there may be more there than lust and sometimes what our mind does is like tries to give us the most manageable version of our feelings so it would be really really hard for you to say i'm in love with this person so instead your mind is like oh you're just horny don't worry about it just horniness it's like a physical thing comes from the scrotum no big deal the next thing that you have to do is be careful about your resistance because a lot of times in this situation we know exactly what we need to do but then our mind since it really doesn't want to leave will tell us oh you can't do what is good for you because of this reason but the more that you look at that reason the more you realize actually like you can do something about it right this person could try to apply for being an editor for like they're they're like literally 10 000 streamers or youtubers out there that are relatively successful right there's so many different platforms there's instagram there's facebook there's youtube there's twitch and if you have a resume where you've helped this person like and you put on your resume i started editing when this person was this big now they're this big you know i'm very professional like i help people like succeed and put forward the best best content there will people there will be people who will hire you you just have to apply for enough jobs but this person says but i can't so be careful about your internal resistance because chances are there's a subconscious feeling that's driving you and telling you logically you can't leave because it doesn't want to leave so it'll provide for you the best argument that it can to keep you there next thing to kind of think a little bit about is making sure that there's space in your life so sometimes when we have these kind of relationships with people that are sort of like infatuations or lust or parasocial the reason that we can't get free of them is because we don't have something else in our life to lean on so um you know be a little bit careful about creating the space in your life so that you can kind of move from you know this unhealthy relationship to a healthy relationship and a lot of times when we feel like an emptiness inside we'll fill up that emptiness through our sense organs so as long as you feel empty inside and you're editing these pictures that's going to be like a really bad combination the last thing you have to learn how to do is you have to learn how to mourn you have to learn how to grieve and and grieve this relationship because there could have been something that was super awesome right like if you like really sit down and think about the fantasy how awesome would it be to be this person's editor and to be in a romantic relationship with her right to be like an integral part of their success for you all to be working together to create this brand and how awesome would it be if like you guys like work together and like had a personal relationship right there's a reason why a lot of people engage in personal relationships like in the workplace you have power couples um you know i i i'm speaking from kind of personal experience in terms of they're like a lot of advantages and a lot of attractive things about working with someone who you're engaged in a personal relationship with i think 90 of the time it's a mess and usually unhealthy but that doesn't make it any less attractive right it's so awesome to be in that ten percent so if you are in this kind of situation you know my condolences i think um you also may want to think a little bit about working with someone to kind of work through these feelings because it can be really hard to manage on your own your mind is a tricky tricky thing and so will do its best to keep you from understanding like what's actually going on right it's doing that to protect you so working with a coach or working with um you know a therapist or something like that even having like a long talk with someone that you can really confide in is really really important that's part of what i think is the advantage of like a coach or a therapist is that you know they're they're like they're not invested in anything except for you right they're there for you you can be honest with them about the deep and embarrassing thoughts they may pick it up and they ask you questions that are like hard for you to like figure out on your own so you can always do something like that make sense oh yeah sorry the the notification is wrong for squid game is it good to address this with the streamer i would say you shouldn't address things with the streamer yet right so when you like so here's it's a really good question so like if i'm lusting over someone that at work like what should i do you should settle your own feelings first before talking to them so you have to understand exactly what you feel and you also have to understand the kind of position you're putting them in i think that generally speaking like honesty and authenticity is like a good thing to have but you also have to recognize that like that may place a burden on someone else and part of the reason there is that like the reason this is so bewildering for the other person is because you've constructed like like you've spent a thousand hours thinking about this whereas like the streamer will have spent maybe zero so when you kind of like present them with a conversation they're gonna feel like really shocked and generally speaking it's gonna be hard for them to respond in a positive way so you know you're kind of like it's hard to describe but you're sort of like you've got one leg up on them because you've been thinking about it for a long time and it may be like completely new to them so i think a good example of this is um i saw a post recently in in the polyamory subreddit about you know someone was kind of saying like someone like one partner had been like working with paulie feelings for like five years and then like the other partner they'd been in a monogamous relationship and so then like you know the partner who thought their polly was like hey this is how i feel you know and then like a month later they're like so can i can we open up the relationship and then like the other person was like you've been thinking about this for five years i've been processing it for one month like i need more time and so you have to remember that you can do a lot of processing internally but anytime you have a conversation with someone you have to give them time to process i do think in a perfect world it's actually okay and maybe even professional to share with the streamer you know why you're leaving and when you ask for like a reference or something like that you can say hey it's kind of weird but like for some reason like my mind is going into weird places about this relationship it's not genuinely how i feel about you and like you know i respect you a lot as a professional colleague and i'm just having trouble dealing with these things i don't expect you to do anything about it and i definitely don't want to put you in an awkward circumstance so um i think the best thing for me to do is actually leave like i'll help you find a replacement absolutely i'd really appreciate a reference um i'm still like you know i still care about you a lot as a professional colleague i hope you do really well but just for personal reasons i think i have to you know step away from this job is that cool and just be like kind of professional about it and say like hey you know like it's just getting weird to be like editing your pictures all the time so you can always have a conversation like that but i'd say be careful about it you know and then the other thing is that if you want to go for love you can always confess your feelings and see what happens but that's probably not going to end well

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 87,463

Rating: 4.9729071 out of 5

Keywords: doctor k, dr k parasocial, dr kanojia, dr.k, drk, healthy gamer gg, healthygamergg, how to stop lusting, lust, mental health, parasocial relationships, parasocial relationships dr k, psychiatrist, streamer, therapist reacts, twitch

Id: STTNckJrJ0g

Length: 20min 58sec (1258 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 14 2021