WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL WITH NARCISSISTS/THIS IS THEIR DOWNFALL/LISA ROMANO

so today we're going to be talking about some of the things that leads to a narcissist's downfall and a relationship [Music] if you love this content please don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notification bell this way every time i upload a new video you'll be the first to know so i think before we get started it's important to reiterate this idea that narcissism exists on a spectrum and that when we're talking about people who are narcissistic we're talking about people who exhibit a pervasive pattern of a lack of empathy a sense of entitlement and they tend to be emotionally exploitative if you know a narcissist you know someone who feels totally within their right to treat other people like they're less than they are people who don't mind criticizing other people openly and maybe even behind their back but it's not unlikely that if you know a narcissist that this person has a habit of being rude a habit of treating others especially those that can do nothing for them in a negative way and this is something that you see ongoing i think it's also important to note that just because someone sets a boundary with you or with me doesn't make them a narcissist someone that doesn't want to be my friend anymore doesn't make them a narcissist just because i might not want to be friends with someone else doesn't make me a narcissist someone who says something nasty about me doesn't make them a narcissist just because i say something nasty about someone else doesn't mean i'm a narcissist it means we're human so we want to make sure that we're thinking very logically and rationally and fairly about people that we think are narcissists there is such a thing as healthy narcissism meaning that i have a healthy integrated self-perception that my idea of myself includes the not so nice aspects of my personality and the nicer aspects of my personality it's really easy to accept yourself when you see yourself as a good person it's not so easy to accept yourself when you recognize that you're not always that nice all the time it's much harder for most people to admit when they've been nasty to admit when they've felt jealous to admit when they made something up to admit when they tried to hurt someone else's feelings but i think it's fair to say that regardless of who you are we've all had weak moments and if we're really healthy then we've gotten to a point i think it comes with age also and learning and wisdom and eventual insight and enough personal development work that we get to a point where we realize that it's impossible to be perfect and it's not possible to be not be angry sometimes and in fact it's healthy to be angry sometimes it's not healthy to be susie sunshine all the time it's not healthy to pretend that what is happening is not happening toxic positivity has to do with denying you're in pain denying that things are as bad as they really are pretending that things are okay i think one of the things that prevented my mother from escaping her relationship was her toxic positivity constantly saying that everything was awesome when we knew it wasn't awesome which allowed her to hide and deny a lot of what was happening in her relationship with my dad and this is just my opinion if she was alive today she may or may not admit that there were days where she called me on the phone and she would tell me that she was upset she felt stuck and she felt like she wasn't sure she could stay in the marriage as a matter of fact there was a point in my life where she told me she was going to leave my father i don't know what happened between them i wasn't privy to that information our parents never talked about what was really going on anyway but in a few months after a few months after my mom told me that she was thinking about leaving my dad things are back to normal so she never left and over the years i watched her slowly just lose herself more and more and more so that's toxic positivity in my opinion ignoring the truth pretending things aren't as bad as they are so we want to make sure that when we're talking about people who are narcissistic we're being fair we're being as rational as we possibly can so that we can make clear-cut decisions about where we stand where does our power lie if you have identified someone in your life as highly narcissistic you may want to consider gray-rocking them and when you gray-rock someone there is no excuse for talking to them you are very flat when you talk to them you decide once and for all that you will no longer entertain them give them any juice give them any source of narcissistic supply that means if they say something really nasty about you you do not go back at them you shut the shutti you let it lie you let whatever it is that they're saying die on the vine if you are in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic and you are becoming aware of what's happening then you are someone who might be struggling with cognitive dissonance you might not trust how you feel you may have experienced so much gaslighting that you don't know whether or not you can trust your thoughts there's blame shifting you've been blamed for everything nothing was the narcissist's fault you may have felt like they couldn't help but blame you for the slightest things they may have accused you of cheating they and there's no reason for them to do that they may not want to let you out of your sight because they're afraid that the person that comes to the door with the pizza is going to slip you his phone number i mean you name it there are so many ways that a narcissist can project their insecurity onto others that is really mind-bending and if you're not aware of how narcissists operate then you can become someone who gets stuck in this type of a cycle trying to figure out how to make someone happy who is absolutely impossible to please because they're not happy themselves they cannot generate self-love they cannot well not healthy self-love you know most of us are able to sustain ourselves even if we've had some trouble in the past we can with it within our childhood many of us are able to throw ourselves into a hobby or get involved with personal development work or we have other friendships maybe our interpersonal romantic relationships are kind of difficult but if we're lucky we have one or two people that can offer us a place to land someone that we can talk to about how we're feeling and to feel like we can sustain ourselves but when it comes to a narcissist this is impossible the way i look at it is imagine a narcissist as a battery and they need to plug into other people in order to sustain that battery or recharge that battery they don't have the ability to recharge their own battery because there's so much term turmoil and turbulence there's like this black hole within them and it's a hellish and nightmarish marriage experience for someone who is narcissistic and that's why they're so unstable and that's why they need to secure sources of narcissistic supply to keep their battery charged so it never drains to the point where they actually get in touch with that deep darkness within them and if you're the source of narcissistic supply you become the person they rely on to sustain this battery you can move from the first source of narcissistic supply to a fourth north fourth position of narcissistic supply as they move someone else into first place and someone else into second place and someone else into third place you can be a positive source of narcissistic supply where you were telling them that they're amazing they keep getting fired but you're telling them babe it's not your fault they get a bunch of duis but you tell them it's not your fault this is ridiculous you got pulled over so you're reinforcing this illusion that the narcissist is not to blame for their actions you can be someone who tells them that they're brilliant that everyone is jealous of them and you become this mirror for what a narcissist wants to believe and has and actually tells themselves within tells themselves within their own mind or if you criticize the narcissist if you confront the narcissist if you stop being a source of amazing positive supply the narcissist might change it up and begin to persecute you they'll begin to see you as a threat and now through dominance through control through gaslighting they gain more supply so supply can be both positive and negative and that's something to be on the lookout for when it comes to what is the downfall or what are some of the downfalls in our relationship with the narcissist like how do they really hurt themselves how do they lose sources of narcissistic supply and if you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist and you've been the one to unplug it you've been the one to say enough is enough then you're really going to relate to some of these and let's face it there are many downfalls to a narcissist in a relationship or they hurt themselves over and over in relationships and it depends a lot on the type of narcissist you're dealing with as well so narcissists very much don't want to lose control and this will definitely cause them to lash out in lots of the cases and stonewall you for instance but i think one of the most devastating things that happens inside a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic is the experience of feeling so invalidated the lack of empathy that narcissists have for other people is excruciatingly painful especially when you are somebody who has empathy especially if you are someone who has a healthy dose of self-doubt meaning that you don't just assume that you're right all the time you don't assume that what you say is the end-all you're open to communication you are seeking the middle ground in fact you are someone that appreciates working things out with a partner who is just as committed as you are to creating a healthy space for the two of you to share what you really think and share what you really feel and i personally don't think there's anything more beautiful than finding someone that you can trust to tell them what you really think and to not be judged for it and to not be abused for it and to actually have that partner actually work with you towards resolution i think that really reinforces a healthy relationship and can really help you have a long-lasting relationship as well but in order to have those types of relationships then you have to be dealing with somebody who doesn't have high narcissistic traits someone who isn't afraid to say i'm sorry someone who isn't afraid to acknowledge that they're not perfect and so if you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic this lack of empathy ends up playing itself out and the way you feel as the partner is completely invalidated you feel like you don't matter and if you're not careful you end up twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to figure out a way to say whatever it is you need to say that will allow this person that you're dealing with to be able to receive you and like i said if you have healthy self-doubt you go back to the drawing board and you think well maybe i need to say it this way maybe i need to say it that way maybe he or she just didn't get it the first time maybe i did come in a little bit too strong so you're doubting yourself which is natural and you present yourself over and over and over to this person who cannot hear you it took me a long time to and it was painful to realize it because you have to let go of the good as well as the bad in a relationship when you decide to end it and i remember when i realized that this person was built to not hear me this person was built to just believe that i was wrong from the get-go and that was really tough because when you come to that realization you end up needing to make a decision am i going to stay in a relationship that is so painful am i going to be in a relationship with someone who is wired to not hear me what am i going to teach my children if i stay in this relationship what's going to happen if i end it it's very frightening and so i think that the number one reason relationships with narcissists fall is because of their lack of empathy they end up berating and devaluing a partner and this is what i was told by my ex-partner i thought that if i tore you down you'd be so crippled you'd come back to me and i remember thinking you said that out loud like you said that out loud you actually verbalize this idea and in your head it makes sense that to me is just crazy like it's just it's just so irrational and it's so painful to think that you can love someone and spend a decade two decades three decades have children with this person and think that you're on the same page and think that you're trying to move towards the same goal and then to have it come out that oh no i needed to i needed i never think about your feelings and i really don't feel like i have to listen to you and oh you want to leave me so i don't want you to leave me so i'll just you so that you can't leave me i'll make it really difficult for you financially i'll talk badly about you i'll start rumors about you i'll make up stories about you i won't give you what i promised i'll make it difficult for you to move on i'll talk poorly about you to the kids this lack of empathy can be so pervasive that it affects everything that they say in other words it is like the base or the foundation of their logic and it can be so crippling when you're on the other end of it and you realize wow so in your head devaluing me made sense to you and so if you devalued me as a woman or to value me as a man and you make it really really hard for me to love myself then i can't be with anybody else because i have so many insecurities or i'm so afraid of your reaction or of what you're going to say that i should just stay in a relationship with you like you think that's okay you think hurting someone is okay if it if you're hurting them because you want them to stay and they don't and i think this is the number one thing the number one downfall of someone who is highly narcissistic in a relationship it's the lack of empathy i think another um downfall of someone who is highly narcissistic is their inability to apologize and so we're not perfect and in life we're going to make mistakes we're not always going to be susie sunshine or you know jiminy cricket and we're not always going to have patience we're not always going to feel well we're not always going to be able to anticipate the needs of other people or even fulfill the needs of other people we shouldn't even meet we shouldn't even be meeting a lot of the needs and expectations of sometimes people put on us we should be really more balanced and more honest with ourselves about what's right for us and that's not selfishness that's self-care self-care is means i can love myself and take care of myself even when you demand that i don't and i can love myself and i can love others at the same too same time too but i do it making sure that i'm putting myself first so i can be there for you that's not selfish when you're codependent you think that taking care of yourself is selfish it gets all confused and you live your life trying to take care of other people trying to be good enough and it doesn't work it never brings you the happiness or the relationships that you want you end up in codependent narcissistic relationships the inability to say i've had a bad day and i'm really sorry and to mean it is a downfall for a narcissist because they can't do it because admitting that they're wrong threatens their false image they have to remain in control over this image and saying i'm sorry threatens that another downfall is the need to devalue you which i think is very similar to a lack of empathy so someone who can't empathize with you sees you as less than and sometimes a narcissist will see your vulnerabilities as a weakness they can't be that vulnerable they can't open up like that they're too afraid that's too close to this pit this dark pit within them so they rely on their grandiose version of themselves so they devalue you when you maybe confront them or you show up as a person who cannot sustain their grandiose image of themselves you're just a normal person maybe you want to go to the park alone maybe you want to exercise alone maybe you you want to go hang out with some friends and you don't want the narcissist to come along maybe you need some time alone well you'll be devalued because you're not allowing the narcissistic control you and you're saying i'm an individual and you're not on a pedestal and i can't do this anymore and you're going to be devalued so it's another downfall in a relationship their jealousy is another downfall when everybody gets jealous i think once in a while but or in their lifetime but hopefully it's not because you're in a relationship with someone who is making things up and they want you to be jealous and they do this as a form of emotional manipulation they do it to cause crazy making they do it to throw you off balance they do it to dominate you so hopefully you're not in a relationship and not experiencing jealousy for those reasons but i think most of us feel insecure once it's once in a while and most of us can feel jealous once in a while but i think the healthiest people amongst us are able to like pull that back and to say oh well you know it's okay that i felt this way but i don't want to make to make it a habit and my husband my boyfriend my girlfriend my wife really didn't do anything wrong it's really my insecurities that got the best of me i trust this person and you can work in in that state of consciousness and and move on even ask for forgiveness and then it's done but then you work on it this is personal growth if you're in a relationship with someone who's trying to make you jealous i say be gone like i'm not doing this i'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys me feeling insecure i'm just not doing it right so that's something that each of us have to think about another downfall is their in they're insatiable they have such high expectations of themselves oftentimes and even of others so meeting their needs it's just not possible they want you to um to affirm them on every front the way that they look the way that they cook the projects that they offer at work their hair style their their makeup their the money in their bank the car that they're driving their friends that they just met like there's constant constant affirming that needs to get done you don't exist as a 3d person in the world of someone who's highly narcissistic you serve to make them feel good about them you don't acknowledge them then they feel devalued themselves and then they will devalue you in return so this is the downfall in a relationship because you could meet someone and think everything's great and then you start to get the feeling like uh oh like nothing's ever good enough another downfall is tempeh tantrums narcissists are very much like two-year-old children that want to get their way and they will bully other people to get their way and if they don't get their way whatever that is whether it's the best seat at the movie theater whether it's the best seat at the restaurant whether they weren't able to get the cashier at target to give them 25 off because the sale ended two weeks ago whatever it is that they want in the moment they want in the moment and if they don't get what they want you'll see them melt down and so this is exhausting for someone who is in a relationship with someone with highly narcissistic traits and again this is a pervasive pattern we're not talking about someone who just got over coveted and they're tired and they're having some money problems and they really want this cashier to honor this 25 off coupon like give me a break here i've had a rough week we're talking about someone who has temper tantrums often and you'll hear ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends family members co-workers say this person doesn't get what they want and there's going to be a temper tantrum the last thing that is i think that we're talking about today but the last downfall that i'd like to talk about in the session is the person who loves this narcissist will have a deep sense of feeling unloved you just won't feel loved after a while your love tank thank you john bradshaw your love tank will be so depleted from trying to understand this person your love tank will be so depleted from trying to twist yourself into a pretzel your love tank will be so depleted from gaslighting you're going to get to a point where you're just like i don't know what else to do like i have nothing else love to no love to give i'm just depleted there's nothing left you get to a point where you're just like sometimes you get like apathetic you just can't care anymore and you'll feel so unloved in the relationship that if you're lucky you'll decide to go you'll decide to leave it because this just you can't do it anymore like it's almost like being tied to the back of a truck and the truck is like running over rocks and gravel like where when does this stop when does the projection stop when do the ten temper tantrums stop when does the verbal assaults when do they stop when do the accusations stop when does peace arrive like when can we actually find the middle ground start working on something when do you stop seeing me as an adversary when do i get a chance to say hey this is how i feel when do i get a chance to feel seen when do i feel like it makes sense to be in a relationship with you and so if you've loved a narcissist you may have cycled through some of these or all of these and maybe even some other aspects of the relationship that really caused you to say enough is enough and so if you love a narcissist you're not crazy if you feel unloved you're not crazy if you're sad you're not crazy if you are struggling with cognitive dissonance you don't know who you are you can't trust your thoughts this is all par for the course when you've really gotten involved with someone who has high narcissistic traits i would say that learning about narcissism learning about the cycles of idealization and gaslighting well actually idealization leads to being devalued leads to being discarded and then oftentimes a narcissist will try to hoover you back in i think learning about what's really going on is very helpful and can help you create distance between you and how you feel and what's happening to you like why do i feel this way because it all will make sense finding the support of a therapist who understands what this is like someone who could help you re re evaluate your choices re-evaluate your feelings help you reconnect to yourself help you feel stable help you feel safe allow you to share your experiences allow you to deal with any shame and embarrassment that this relationship may have caused you a really strong safe stable relationship that will allow you to be able to integrate what just happened so that you understand that it wasn't you you were really in an abusive relationship so that you have a healthier shot at still manifesting a healthier relationship in the future i hope this has been helpful namaste everybody is about love and a light that is absolutely in you find your light let it shine until next time bye if you love this content don't forget to check out the next video and you can go to my website and take the codependency quiz

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc

Views: 37,805

Keywords: why relationships fail with narcissists, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, npd, narcissist, narcissistic, narcissists, psychology, gaslighting, manipulation, personality disorder, relationships, sociopath, psychopath, narcissist meaning, manipulator, whats a narcissist, lisa a romano, lisa romano, toxic relationships, red flags, narcissistic parents, dating a narcissist, codependency recovery, mental health, narcissistic mother, covert narcissist, why are narcissists so mean

Id: 4hpDduTDHu4

Length: 26min 57sec (1617 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 26 2022