When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship

this is for those among us who are secretly very stuck that is who are entirely committed to stayin wholly tempted to leave and entirely unable to resolve their dilemma one way or the other we the stuck ones alternate between periods in which we managed to convince ourselves that it might after all be bearable and recurring crises when we acknowledge that we are by remaining well on the way to ruining the one life we will ever be granted torn between intense shame and untenable claustrophobia weak in the face of our conundrum we may start to fantasize that someone or something else apparent the government a war an illness a divine command might magically resolve the problem for us like desperate children we hope against hope that something might just show up but because it behooves everyone eventually and with nothing remotely unkind being meant by this to try to become an adult but that is a person who can alter their circumstances through their own agency we may well benefit from a few ideas to strengthen our resolve for a start we are here not because we are evil fickle or just unlucky but at base because we had a bad childhood this could sound like an odd place to begin and the tone may sound overly assured as well but the matter does appear desperately simple in structure however impossible the repercussions can feel in practice anyone on earth can end up in an unhappy relationship but those who get badly stuck in them those who cannot find a courage to have a difficult conversation and then move on those who spend years feeling intensely ashamed of what they want and doubting their right to aim for anything more satisfying these creatures are a particular subcategory of humans they are the ones who when they were little never learned the art of confident self assertion they are the Bur knighted creatures who never felt they had right at points to tell others what they needed and to stick up for their vision of happiness whatever the short-term troubles that might be entailed we the stuck ones with a good children the under loved ones the ones who were scared of angry parents or overly anxious about fragile ones those who too early on learnt to comply and obey to worry about everyone else to fit in and to smile and now decades later the ones who cannot get up and leave because we would at some level and let's be clear on the matter rather die than make a fuss but however appealing that can sound the problem is that there's a small part of us that won't actually let us die like this that's why we're here a part of us that awkwardly refuses to shut up and be stifled a healthy part of us that won't let us continue without the kind of love intimacy and closeness we crave a part of us that is like a germinating seed with strength enough to move aside a one-ton concrete slab in order to reach the light we endlessly question the legitimacy of our aspirations is it fair to want what we want is it normal to seek whatever it is that's currently missing and more love more intellectual stimulation more friendship more sex more solemnity more laughs we would in a way so love someone to tell us that we were plainly wrong but the reality is that there can never be an objective measure in these matters we want what we want and no amount of arguing with ourselves can make our appetites go away or fundamentally D legitimize our needs the way forward isn't to call ourselves difficult and shut up but to learn to honor and adroitly defend in front of others our own inner complexity however insane this will inevitably sound anyone is allowed to find someone else's offer of love to be in the end just not their thing we are along the way naturally terrified of being alone in our minds by exiting this relationship we won't be setting up a promise of a better arrangement in the future we'll be condemning ourselves to a lifetime of isolation it's a feeling of basic unworthiness and fundamental unattractiveness that turns the prospect of singlehood from what it really is a minor inconvenience to what we are sure it must be an ongoing and eternal tragedy we should to calm ourselves remember a rather dark but ultimately consoling truth though we may at present have someone to share a pizza with on Sunday evenings we are where it counts already alone what we fear might happen has already happened we won't by leaving be aggravating our isolation will be taking the first proper steps towards ending it stuck people are agonized to the point of paralysis by the prospect of causing difficulties they possibly already have a lot of hesitation about asking a stranger where the bathroom might be so now they worry whether the partner would ever recover what friends would say how the family would deal with it the last thing that occurs to them is how much in the end everyone just does cope the frightening yet liberating truth is how little anyone actually cares even the heard lover is going to recover and will probably come to appreciate the benefits of freedom as opposed to enduring a constant unmentioned emotional torniquet around their heart an orderly life is a beautiful and fine thing but it can only ever be so when it sits on top of a flourishing relationship rather than when its fostered as an alternative to developing one it's better to blow up a home than continue in one unworthy of the name the way to start getting unstuck is via a properly strange sounding move valuing ourselves a little bit more slowly we should accept that the point of a relationship isn't to suffer that some things are necessary but fewer than with and that no one is going to congratulate us on our deathbeds for having thrown away our lives we're not suffering because we need to but because we have grown up to be people for whom suffering feels horribly and compellingly familiar we need to take the entirely unknown step of telling the world what we truly truly want and dare to believe that we might even one day get it our know yourself cards can help us to better understand the deepest most elusive aspects of ourselves follow the link now to learn more you

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 445,594

Rating: 4.9453254 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, on feeling stuck school of life, sermons on feeling stuck, trapped in my mind, feeling stuck in a relationship, stuck in a relationship, stuck in a bad relationship, stuck in a toxic relationship, stuck in a nice relationship, PL-SELF, tony robbins, law of attraction, motivational video, how to get out of a rut

Id: EAlTqDv5-6A

Length: 7min 29sec (449 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 06 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/The_Animal_Is_Bear]

Wow. That was amazing and exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing.

[u/ShytMask]

Aaaanndddd now I am crying.

[u/of_the_ash]

Thank you for sharing this!!! <3

[u/FabuliciousFruitLoop]

Completely on point. I remain, in so many ways, a stuck person.