When You Don't Want a Divorce: My partner wants a divorce but I don't.

when your partner wants a divorce and you don't it's really common to feel helpless powerless and out of control it's also really common for everything you do to make things worse and that's because most people in this situation go about things entirely the wrong way you're allowed to fight for your marriage and you are allowed to fight to save your marriage but you have to do it in the right way or your efforts are just going to compound the problems that you're already having so in this video i am going to give you four things that you can do ways to fight for your marriage starting from yourself starting by fighting for yourself and learning to love yourself if you keep your focus on your partner on proving how much you love them on trying to get them back you are not going to save your marriage if anything that is just going to drive a bigger wedge between you and push them further away i'm sure some of you have already experienced this so let's focus on the things you can control and on doing the work that you can do that can save your marriage and if it doesn't save your marriage can set you up for happiness for success and for love in the future so the four things you can do the first is to shift your focus stop focusing on what you can't control and start focusing on what you can you can control you a marriage takes two people we know that and so when your partner wants a divorce and you don't you feel helpless you can't be both people you can't make them change or see or think or feel but when you're in that place when you're feeling helpless and powerless and anxious and overwhelmed you're not resourceful this is not a resourceful state to be in in fact the number one cause of anxiety is trying to control things that you cannot control and you know you cannot control your spouse i mean come on if you've been married you know you can't control them you've tried right give up that illusion now you cannot control the way they think you cannot control the way they feel or the way they act and as painful as it might be you need to spend a little bit of time observing that really becoming aware of it you've tried to change the way they think in the past i know you have did it work notice all of the times where you tried to change their thinking and feeling and it didn't work let yourself become aware that this is true you don't control how they think and feel that's why you're in this situation they want the divorce you don't if you could change the way they think and feel you guys would be still be happily married this sounds awful but it's actually a really good thing because guess what this means that they can't control the way you think and feel either that means that you can intentionally start to change the way you think and feel to be come calm relaxed to feel safe and even to feel loved and happy even if your partner doesn't change their mind even if they don't come back to you even if your marriage doesn't work out you are not doomed to a lonely loveless life because your partner cannot control the way you think and feel any more than you can control the way they think and feel as you start to shift your perspective you can take the second step start reflecting with honesty and compassion and be gentle with yourself as you look back over your marriage who were you in the years of your marriage why were you that person what did you think what did you feel what were your habits of thinking and feeling what did that create for you what experience did that create for you in your relationship as you gently explore your role in your relationship without judgment yes we're looking at flaws you had we're also looking at the good things you had what we're trying to do is understand who you were in the course of this marriage who were you then what motivated you what were you afraid of it's easy especially if you're facing a divorce to use reflection to be cruel to yourself to look at all of the things you did wrong all of the ways you drove your partner away we want to observe who you were without judgment you didn't do anything wrong you are not a bad person we are doing this out of a place of self-compassion and curiosity because understanding who you've been is going to help you intentionally create who you want to become so you have shifted your perspective you are seeing why it's actually a good thing that you can't change the way your partner thinks and feels because it means they can't control the way you think and feel which means that what they do does not determine your future we've taken a moment to reflect on who you've been throughout the course of this marriage and now i want you to get very clear on what you want in this moment and why you want to save your marriage why right what is your motivation to save your marriage what does having a divorce which is going through a divorce mean a lot of people tell me i want to save my marriage because i'd love my spouse great right loving somebody is a beautiful thing you can do it from a distance you guys i love for instance my aunt wanda right i love her i love to think about her and when i do think about her i feel warm and happy and light loving her feels amazing and i do it all the time she died six years ago right i can still experience the joy of loving her and she's not even alive so you need to dig deeper i want to save my marriage because i love my spouse not enough you love your spouse okay so what if they leave you if you get a divorce so what what are you making that mean are you afraid that you will never be happy never be loved are you afraid you're going to end up alone does a failed marriage mean that you have failed that you're not good enough that you made mistakes and you're a bad person right dig in and explore your mind there's something more to it than i love this person there is a reason you want to save this marriage get to know your motivation what is that underlying reason and again there's no right or wrong answer there's no judgment here just curiosity and compassion who am i now what is motivating me now why do i want what i want you can use two questions that might help you get to these answers one is if this marriage ends in divorce how will i have to think and feel then the second question is if me and my partner reconcile if we get back together how would i get to think and feel then this can help you understand what you're afraid of and what is motivating you once you've done this now we've shifted your perspective we understand that you create your thoughts and feelings and your partner creates theirs which gives you freedom we know who you were throughout your marriage we know who you are right now what's motivating you what you're afraid of now we want to look the fourth thing is to look to the future with intention who do you want to become once you've explored who you've been and who you are now you can begin to intentionally create the version of yourself that you want to be the husband the wife the spouse the lover the friend the parent that you want to become what does that person look like how do they show up and hold themselves what do they feel how do they think what do they believe about themselves imagine this person fully so that you know everything about them and then imagine stepping into their shoes and walking through life for a little while as that version of yourself and just notice what are the habits of thinking what are the habits of belief and the habits of emotion that this version of you has do they love themselves what does that feel like this is really a journey of self-love you guys and so i know some of you watching this are like my partner's the one who needs to do this work right shouldn't they be the ones doing all this work because this divorce is at least half their fault maybe it's more because i don't even want it they're the one doing all of this look i could agree with you that your partner should do this work but that's not going to help you if they aren't doing their own inner work it's because they're not ready for that work that's it that's okay they are allowed to be who they are and where they are right now we are always on our own journeys and ultimately we have to travel our path by ourselves we connect with each other we love each other we trust and help each other along the way but the only one living in your mind is you the only one who can do the work to love yourself is you the only one who can accept yourself and intentionally create your future self is you and that's true for your partner too so just because we have to travel this self-love journey alone that doesn't mean you're not allowed to fight for your marriage you can do that fight to save your marriage tell your partner you're doing that be clear on what you want show them the person you're becoming let them know you're getting help if you decide to see a therapist or coach to help you on this journey but mostly fight for your marriage by fighting for yourself because you cannot fully and unconditionally love another person until you learn to love yourself you have to do that work first when you do your partner might respond to that and come back to you and they might not but you guys self-love work is never wasted because regardless of what happens in your marriage regardless of what your partner chooses to do you can create a joyful loving fulfilled life for yourself by learning to accept yourself take ownership of your emotions and intentionally create your future that work is always worth doing i'm rachel sloan i'm a relationship coach and a self-love advocate and i am here for you on this journey on this path through acceptance and ownership and intention into self-love any questions anything i can help you with in this process please reach out there's a link in the description you can always book a free strategy call with me i have also created a free masterclass called the relationship foundation that teaches all of my favorite tools that i use with my one-on-one coaching clients to help you do this journey of self-love for yourself to help you learn to accept yourself to take ownership of your thoughts and feelings and to intentionally visualize and become the person you want to be all of that information is in the description below let me support you on this journey you can do this

Channel: Rachael Sloan - Divorce Coach for Men

Views: 85,307

Keywords: when you don’t want a divorce, my partner wants a divorce but i don’t, partner wants a divorce, spouse wants a divorce, I don’t want a divorce, when you don’t want a divorce but your spouse does, how to get through a divorce when you don’t want it, save a marriage, how to save a marriage, how to stop a divorce, stop divorce, self love, self love during divorce, loving yourself through a divorce, blaming yourself for divorce, Rachael Sloan, Relationship Coach, save my marriage

Id: QHkhTyT8SBI

Length: 10min 23sec (623 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 23 2021