- If you're watching this video, there's good odds that you're
going through something pretty rough right now. Maybe you were in a brink of a divorce, brink of a separation, and maybe your partner's telling you that there is really nothing
you can do to change her mind, that there's really no
hope of ever reconciling. And so you take this very
important relationship that means a lot to you, and it's tough to realize that it might be on a brink of ending. Now in this video, I wanna tell you what I
tell all of my clients when they're going through this journey, because the saddest thing I
see is when people crumble or when people take the wrong lessons, do the wrong things during
this very pivotal moment. And I know this can sound very weird, but I wanna show you why
this really tough moment is actually could be
one of the best things that can happen to you. And this can be your opportunity to really catapult your life to a level that you cannot imagine before. And if you want advice
that cuts through a lot of the BS advice that exists
on the internet out there and really gives you everything
you need to either reconcile or to create the
relationship of your dreams, then feel free to
subscribe to this channel. And also click the bell button as well to be notified when I post
new videos every single week. The first thing I want you to think about is how this moment is
actually a great opportunity for you to put yourself
in a no-lose position for the future. So there's a great saying that says, "You learn more from your
failures than your successes." And ergo, "You also learn
more from very tough moments than you do from easy moments." There's also a great saying
that I always keep in my mind, which is, "If I could
live my life over again, I would make the same
mistakes, only sooner." And the implication there is I will learn from mistakes
also sooner as well. So when I look back into when
I was facing really big issues in my relationship, or when I see my clients
facing really difficult issues in their relationship too, when we really look at it honestly, we can see how this
moment is actually trying to teach us a lot of things. So for example, when I'm
really honest with myself, I really saw how I have
accidentally often destroyed my relationship by a thousand cuts. I may not, for example, have
created the five pillars as best as I should have. I may not have programmed
the internal shifts, the right internal shifts,
as well as I should have. For example, I was still playing victim, I was still tethered in a lot of ways, I was not really bulletproof
in a lot of ways, I was not operating with
the highest self esteem, I was not antithetically thinking, and all these skills that we talk about in many of our videos. And if I look at a lot of these issues that really caused havoc
in my relationship, I also realized that they
were also causing havoc in a lot of other parts
of my life as well. So when I look at my career, for example, when I look at my friendships, when I look at my
relationship with my family, I saw that the same victim
mindsets, for example, the same tetheredness, the
same lack of self-esteem, the same lack of antithetic thinking, the lack of five pillars,
the lack of frameworks, they were all causing a lot of havoc in a lot of other parts of my life. And even though I was
somewhat successful back then, I realized that because
of all these issues, I was really succeeding
despite those issues, not really succeeding because. And the problem that I see
with a lot of people is that when they're faced with a difficult situation like this, so again, your partner
wanting to have a divorce, separate, or telling you there's no hope, instead of looking within and
being honest with themselves and seeing the flaws they have and seeing then the lessons
that they need to learn, they see this with a
victim mindset instead. For example, they tell themselves that it's their partner's
fault, that they're not loyal, that they're not appreciative, they're not grateful for
everything you've done. And you tell yourself that
there's really nothing you can do to remedy or to fix the situation. And what a lot of people do is they start to just reflect on what they did right. And so you'll see a lot of men or hear a lot of men talking
about the things they've done for the relationship, the
great things they've done, the things they've contributed, but they never really look at
this moment, the tough moment, and look at, okay, what
were the bad that I did? What were the flaws that I had? And because a lot of people see it from their victim mindsets like this, they're not really looking
at the full sets of lessons and the full sets of flaws
that this moment is trying to show them, trying to teach them. And so imagine here if you are going through
a rough time again, let's say this rough time is
trying to teach you 20 things, you might only see one or even sometimes none of these 20 things. And so what happens is because
you don't see these flaws that you have, these flaws remain hidden, remain in your blind spot, and you can't really work on, you can't really fix something
you're not even aware of. So what happens to a lot of people is that they face a tough situation. This tough situation is trying
to teach them 20 things. They only learn one thing,
so the 19 problems remain. The 19 problems repeat
itself in the future. And this is why we call
it wasting the pain, because this painful moment is trying to teach you something,
but you're not learning, you're not taking away from that pain the lessons you need to take away. And you're repeating the same
pain over and over again. And this is why people say, "Life will always give you what you need until you learn the lessons from it." So the first big lesson is,
guys, don't waste the pain. This tough moment is trying
to show you some flaws that you have that you need to work on. I know a lot of you looking at this and hearing this, maybe rolling your eyes and going like, "Oh, here we go again." But that exact attitude
of you rolling your eyes when someone tells you,
when life tells you, "Hey, these are your flaws, this is something you need to work on," that's the exact mindset that causes you to waste the pain in the first place and what probably got you here, got you to repeat the same
mistakes over and over again and never learning from your
mistakes in the first place and what caused you to
break down your relationship in accidental ways. And remember, again, these
are skills that you need to learn now or later. And of course, if you were to ask me, it's better to learn it now than later. Because if you learn it now,
then you have more of your life to enjoy the fruits of your learnings. And if you really think about it, there's really nothing that you can lose by simply admitting your faults, letting down your ego for a bit. So really the choice is
very simple in my head. It's either you let down your ego, see the lessons that you need to learn to get a better future, or you maintain your ego,
but you lose your future. I mean, if you look at these two choices, the wiser choice seems to be very obvious. And remember also that pain can build you, but it can also destroy you. And whether it builds you or destroys you really depends on how you see pain. If you see pain as
something you want to avoid, as something inconvenient,
as something that is bad, then yeah, you will always be blind to what that pain is trying to teach you. But if you learn to see
pain as a good thing, as an opportunity, as life
trying to show you something, show you a flaw that's
been messing up your life in many different dimensions and shows you a path in which you need to grow and become better, then pain is actually a
really, really good thing. Pain can actually build you. The second lesson I want you to take away is how hopeless moments are
really where the opportunities to show yourself, to regain
trust, is really the biggest. So to really understand this point, I want you to imagine
that you are a scientist, and you are trying to see how people behave at their
natural predispositions. Now one way you could do
it is you can tell them, "Hey, this is exactly
what the test is about, the experiment is about." But if you take that route of telling them what exactly it's about, then you no longer can
trust the data that you get, because you'll be thinking, "Okay, well they're just doing and behaving in a way that
really will serve them well and allows them to do well for the test." Now if you're a smarter scientist, what you would do is you would tell them, "Hey, this is what the
experiment is about, about A, but really the experiment is about B." So maybe you tell them, "Hey, you're being measured on A," and then once they do A, you tell them, "Hey, the test is over. Please go to the other room
and mingle with the crowd." And while they're mingling with the crowd when they think the test is over, that's when you actually measure
and observe their behaviors because then you will know, okay, whatever they're doing right then, that's them at their
natural predisposition. And if you think about it, your partner's doing the same thing where if your partner,
let's say, tells you, "Hey, if you do X, Y, Z, A, B, C, then I will come back to you." So if you eventually do
A, B, C, and X, Y, Z, can your partner really trust that you're doing A, B, C, and X, Y, Z out of the right reasons
or the wrong reasons? Usually it's pretty hard to tell. When your partner makes
it hopeless for you, when she says it's impossible, that's her telling you in a subtle way, "Hey, the test is over." And that's when she'll
actually be watching you. If you can do and show
the right behaviors, the right feelings, the right thoughts, the right words during those times when it seems like all hope is lost, the having is taken away, that will actually tell your partner a lot about what you're truly made of. But if you crumble during those times when you think the test is over, that will also tell your partner a lot about who you really are and also the intentions
in which you change. And so if you look at why
a lot of people struggle to have their partner trust their changes, believe in their changes, is because sure, they might do a lot of
things correct during moments that are easy, during
moments that are light, and where there's a lot of hope. But when the hope is taken away, when the moments are really hard, when the moments feel really hopeless, you revert back to your old behaviors to basically crumbling down like you do when your partner tells
you that it's hopeless. And when you do this,
what happens is, again, you are like the subjects
in the experiment where yes, you can do the right
things when you understand what the experiment is about. But once you think the test is over, you start to revert back
to all your old ways. And of course, which data
point would you look at? If you were the scientist, which data point would you look at? It seems pretty obvious. So during these hopeless moments is actually the moment, again, when you can really show
what you're really made of, your true intentions,
your true genuineness, and permanency of your changes. Think about it guys. These really tough moments
are also the moments when you can really
understand the hidden issues that lie in your relationship. For me, I love it when my partner tells me a lot of resistance, tells
me how hopeless she feels, tells me how bad she feels, et cetera. Because what she's
doing there is revealing a lot of negative biases
that she has about me that is actually screwing me up, screwing the relationship up, whether I want to know it or not, whether I am aware of it or not. And her expressing those feelings to me is actually her telling
me what I need to know so that I can do something about it. It actually empowers me to be aware of what the real problems are. And a great example of this is when... And I can give you three examples of this to really show why these
are massive opportunities. Number one is I always
tell this story about how one time me and my
partner were in the car, and I was driving, and I told her a joke, and she got really offended by that joke, which seems like a very innocent joke. Now a lot of men would
look at that resistance and see that as a bad thing,
but I see that as a great thing because that moment when she resisted, that is her showing me and
telling me some negative biases she has about me that I could have asked
her for every single day for the last three years to say, "Hey, do you have any
negative biases about me?" But she won't tell me because
it's not gonna be aware of it. But that moment right
there tells me that ah, she has some negative biases that led her to misinterpret the nature of my joke. So instead of seeing that as a bad thing, I saw that as a good thing. I lean into it and I asked her, "Oh, since you got offended by that joke, there must be some patterns of behavior, some negative biases you have about me." And we had a conversation about that. And lo and behold, yep, we
discovered some negative biases. Now that I know the negative biases, I can actually do something about it to turn it from negative into positive. Another example of this is,
let's say, in my company, whenever my employees come
to me with some issues, some problems, I don't
see that as a bad thing, I see that as a great thing because those are thoughts and feelings that my employees have, whether they tell me or not. And whether they tell me or not, those feelings that they have is going to screw up their performance, screw up their relationship with me, or screw up sometime in the future. If I keep punishing
and discouraging people from truly telling me how they truly feel, then I'm actually putting
myself in a worse position, in a more powerless position, when I don't know what the problems are. But if I encourage them to tell me that, and I see that as a opportunity, it actually becomes an opportunity, because now I'm aware of the problem. And once I'm aware of the problem, it empowers me to do
something about the problem. One last example is during
our application calls, we often start those calls
by asking the prospect, "Hey, would you mind if
we record this call?" Now most people are okay with this, but some people are not okay with this. So they object, they resist us, and say, "Oh, I don't wanna be recorded." Now during those times, we actually see that
as a really good thing because when the person
resists us like that, it tells us that hey, this prospect may have
some issues right now trusting us fully and trusting us what we
do with that recording. And we know that with that trust issue, we really cannot have
any further conversations about anything unless the trust is there. And so we could have
asked them repeatedly, "Do you trust us, do you trust us?" And they would always say yes. And the underlying
distrust they have about us may never be revealed. But the fact that we allowed
that resistance to happen, and we looked at that
resistance as an opportunity that tells us that hey, there
is some underlying distrust that we need to address before
we can address anything else. So these three examples that I showed you are really great examples
of how these tough moments, these moments of resistance
are really moments when you get to find out the hidden issues that will screw you over
one time or another. But to find the hidden issues, you actually need to
learn how to look for it, how to see it like that. And
if you think about it too, this is also a great opportunity for you to build your confidence
and skills under pressure. So when I get sick, for example, when I'm going through a really
rough moment in my business, in my relationship, in my
career, or in life in general, and those are the moments
when I actually spot the most opportunities to learn and grow. For me, I want to build my
skills under intense pressure. Life doesn't really always
give you an opportunity to build your skills under pressure. And when your partner's
really making it hopeless for you like this, that's life actually gifting
you with the opportunity to learn the skills under pressure, under duress, under really
difficult circumstances. And it's almost like creating a diamond where if you can thrive through
this very difficult moment, the rest, life will just become easy. If you can go through this, you can go through anything else. And so I see a lot of people and I hear a lot of people saying that, "Oh, I wish things were easier. I wish didn't make it so hopeless for me." But when you wish things to be different, you're basically pushing away the gift that life just gave you, the gift of the opportunity to craft your skills under pressure. Think about it. And a third major paradigm shift I wanna give you is gonna
be a very big one, guys, is that this is really the key to having both happiness and pride. Happiness, if you think about it guys, it's actually quite easy to get, but pride is something
that is much more rare. So just to give you two examples of this, when I was growing up, I
didn't grow up with money, and money was always a challenge for me. And I always used to wish when
I was younger that I was born to a wealthier family with
more resources, et cetera. But now if I look at my life now, I get to feel both happiness and pride, because I had to work from the ground up, from nothing to something. And if I were to have started
with everything already, sure I'll be happy, but I
can never feel that pride. The same thing with my relationship. Because I think we have been
together for nine years now, and we started off in a very, very rocky, very, very bad spot, the fact that we had to
work on our relationship to where it is now, that allows us to feel the happiness from where we are now, but also the pride from
having gone from 0 to 100. And if we were to have started
happy in the first place, we would not have felt
that pride that we do now. And that pride that we
have now is actually one of the biggest things that keeps us so tightly connected together as a couple. And so I hear a lot of you going through this really rough moment, really hopeless moment and saying, "I wish things were easier," but when you, again,
wish things were easier, what you're saying is, "I
wish I started off happy, and I didn't have to work my way up." But if you don't work your way up, you're basically saying
that you are giving up. You're pushing away the one opportunity, the few opportunities
that life will give you to actually feel pride in the future. Do you see the irony there? Do you see what you're really asking for when you're saying I
wish things were easier? For me, I don't wish things were easier, I wish things were actually hard, because when I overcome that hardship, that gives me both happiness and pride. Pride is something that is much more rare, much more difficult. And when you're going
through this tough moment, that is life giving you the opportunity to get pride somewhere in the future. And again, like I said, this pride is really what fuels a lot of my confidence as a man, but also a lot of our confidence in our relationship as well. So for example, right now, my
partner sees the way I acted, the way I kept going with
my changes, for example, kept growing, kept being
honest with myself, saw my flaws for what they are, and really worked on my flaws. Now that has become a
major source of attraction for her towards me because she gets to see how I acted, how I reacted during
very difficult moments. This pride also comes in the form of peace with understanding the key nuances, the key skills you need to
actually grow from 0 to 100 and replicate that success
over and over again. For example, because I had to
learn English from scratch, from nothing to something, I think I probably know
more about grammar, know more about the English language than most native English speakers, because I had to learn the nuances there. The same way, because I had to learn how to make money from zero to where I am now, I learned how to master the nuances that most people don't even think about on what it takes to go from 0 to 100. And so now that I know that
skill, I've learned that skill, I'm able to replicate that
success over and over again. Pride also comes in a form
where when I was starting to change, for example, I can see how my changes was also changing my partner's behaviors. And so if you look at a lot
of my clients' stories too, they will say the same thing too in that it's really empowering, it's really inspiring to see
how your changes in behavior is also affecting other
people's changes in behavior. And you get to really
see the power you have in influencing this whole unit
that is your relationship. And finally, this pride also allows you to see just how far you've come from where you were five years ago, 10 years ago, to where you are now. And it gives you the sense that your relationship now
is more than just strong, it's more than just robust,
it's actually anti-fragile, that the more crap you
give the relationship, the more it rises, the better it gets, the closer the bonds become. And when you can have this anti-fragile relationship like this, that is when your relationship
literally cannot die. So again, the point again guys is that these hopeless moments, these are actually major opportunities that life is giving you to one
day feel that sense of pride, to one day get the
relationship, get a self, get confidence that is
literally unbreakable. It's literally anti-fragile. So don't waste this opportunity. Don't waste this opportunity
by feeling so bogged down by the short term thinking of how you feel in this current moment. And the fourth takeaway, guys, is that you are actually closer to getting your results
than you might think. So I get that a lot of
you in this situation, you're going to look at just how much hope and how much growth and how
much progression you need to make before you can
even see some results. And seeing the long road ahead
of you can be a very daunting and a very discouraging thought. Now if you look at the source
of your feeling of discourage or feeling demotivated when
you see the work though, that is really rooted in
what we call tetheredness. It's that you are only doing
because you want to have. And because right now you
see that the having is so far away from you, you
don't feel motivated to do. But if you look at the previous
video that we had around how if you do something from
a tethered place where you do because you want to have, that is ironically going to make your test and your journey even longer. And to see, and I'm not gonna
belabor this point too much 'cause I already made a
whole video about this, so if you wanna watch that video, I'll leave a link above my head, also down below this video as well. And if you look at a lot
of my clients' journeys, it's always looking the same way, which is like you get
a whole lot of nothing, and then suddenly in one fell swoop, they get all their
results in one fell swoop. And that's why we call it
the hockey stick effect because the journey of progression really looks like a hockey stick. It's a whole lot of flat, and then suddenly boom,
everything happens all at once. Now when does this hockey
stick effect happen? The hockey stick effect happens when you can show your partner that no longer are you trying
to become the perfect product, but you're now trying to embrace
the perfect process, right? Again, your partner's not leaving you because of the problems that you have, that the relationship has. She's leaving you because
she doesn't believe in the potential that you could become or believe in the potential that the relationship could become. And once that belief in
that potential goes away, then that's when she gives up. And that potential is
really bred from not whether or not you're perfect or not, but really do you have the process, the trajectory to be coming
there, to getting there. So even if you have a lot
of problems right now, if your partner believes that
you have the right trajectory to get there, she's not gonna leave. She's leaving when she knows that, "Okay, we're not where we need to be, but there's no trajectory to ever getting where
we need to be anyway." So I want you to see the
big irony here, guys, in that, let's say, if your partner's making
it hopeless for you, making it hard for you, and you crumble during this time, that is literally going to tell your partner that the
reason behind your changes, the reason behind any of your doing is because you just want to have. And if she can sense that you're doing because you wanna have, nothing you do can feel
genuine any longer. Just like in the scientist
experiment that we gave earlier, if we know that the reason
why the person's behavior, they're doing, is because they
wanna do well on this test, then we can't really
trust the data anymore. They can't really trust the genuineness of those changes anymore. But if you take this moment that your partner is
making it hopeless for you and you see that as an opportunity, you see that as opportunity
for you to keep growing, to show you some flaws that you have and to work on those flaws, you're really going to show that genuine intent
behind why you're changing and the intentions behind your changes. And ironically, that will
show your partner that, "Hey, I think this guy is more focused on being the perfect process, the perfect process of
changing, becoming better, than he is becoming the perfect product." If you look at a lot of
the inflection points in a lot of my clients' journeys, it's not when they become perfect, that takes a long time to do, but it's the moment when they just embrace what we call the perfect process. And that perfect process,
when you embrace that, how you embrace that, is simply
by admitting your faults, seeing these moments as
learning opportunities, and doing those things and learning those things without
any expectation of having, but just doing because you are. In other words, untethering first. So to untether, to have
the perfect process, that doesn't take my clients that long. Yes, it takes a long time
to get the perfect product, but perfect process happens way before you get the perfect product. So again, you are closer to the inflection point than you think. You just have to be more humble about it, and think about it in different ways. The last takeaway I want
you guys to have is really to understand how to
choose the right hard. And to understand this, you need to understand
two principles first. It's that you know what is
happening to you today, guys, is really a result of what
you did 6 to 24 months ago. And what you're doing
today is only gonna be seen or felt 6 to 24 months later. So if you look at how did you
get where you are right now, most likely if you look back
6 to 24 months in the past, you'll realize that you have chosen a lot of victim mindsets, a lot of the wrong decisions in the past. For example, I see a lot
of my clients, for example, when they look back 6
to 24 months earlier, they can see a lot of the
same issues popping up. They can see that their relationship was not maybe going the best, but again, because of the victim mindset, they waste the pain, they don't see the lessons
that they need to learn, they don't grow in the ways
that they need to learn, they don't react in the ways
that they need to react. And so what they did 6 to
24 months before, right, is leading them to where they are today. Now today, you have the
option to write what happens to you 6 to 24 months later. Are you going to use the
same victim mindsets, the same paradigms, the
same decisions that got you to where you are today,
6 to 24 months before, and are you gonna use the same thing to write the same stories over and over again 6 to 24 months later? And I know a lot of the stuff that we talked about in this video are really difficult things to accept. For example, learning
to see hopeless moments or resistance as opportunities,
to look at your inner flaws, to look at what you need to work on, to really be humble with yourself, those are really hard things to do. But again, we have to remember the rewards versus punishment paradox. If you look at any bad habits in life, you will see that those
bad habits like smoking, eating unhealthy, those
things, they reward you now, but they punish you much later. But if you look at any good habits, they always punish you now,
but they reward you much later. So right now, all these
things that I'm asking you to do can seem very tough. They can seem very punishing now, but just like any good habits, those are the good habits
you need to really adopt, because even though they punish you now, they're going to reward you later. So even though doing all these things may seem difficult now, just understand that that
is how any good habits form. And so the reason why I tell you to learn to choose the right hard is that yes, choosing to do the right things right now, choosing to learn from this right now, choosing to be humble and
look at your flaws right now may be hard, but it's gonna
be easy for you later. But if you don't embrace
this hard right now, and you wanna embrace the easy
way, which is the victim way, then you're gonna make
it easy for you now, but you're gonna make it
hard for you much later. Either way you choose will lead to a hard, either a hard now or a hard later, but one hard goes somewhere,
and one hard goes nowhere. So which hard do you choose? You need to learn how to
choose the right hard. And guys, if you want to join a program that not only teaches you
these kinds of principles, these kinds of mindset shifts, that really allows you to thrive through this
very difficult moment and use this moment as an
opportunity that it really is and to be surrounded by a
group of people, a community, that is going through the
exact same journey as you, and you can see how thriving through that journey can really lead
them to much better place, a much higher place than they can imagine, I want you to join me in my masterclass in the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship
from the ground up. In that masterclass, I'll
show you all the exact steps, all the exact mindset
shifts, paradigm shifts, that I show all my clients to get them from where you are today, the hopeless position you are in today, to where they need to be, to
where you need to be as well. So if you wanna join
me in that masterclass, click the link above my head
or also down below this video. For now, guys, I hope that
was helpful for you guys, and I hope to see you in the next video. (upbeat music)
