How To Be Alone After Divorce (Without Freaking Out)

learning to be alone after a divorce is one of the hardest parts I mean you've been sharing your life your routines your daytoday experience with somebody for 10 years 20 40 right it's a long time and I'll tell you this for most people we're not that comfortable being alone anyway but then when being alone also means a completely different routine from what we've been living for the last 30 years like it get get even harder more overwhelming and more [Music] terrifying so in this video we're going to talk about how to become comfortable being alone after divorce but I want to be really really clear I'm not sharing this with you because you have to be alone and I'm not this isn't like okay well your marriage is over and your women are dangerous and you're never going to be loved again and it's probably going to end badly if you start a relationship anyway so you need to learn to be alone and be okay being alone that is not what this video is about this video is about helping you get healthy mentally and emotionally so that you can be alone with yourself and be okay and maybe not even just be okay but even experience joy and peace when you're alone with yourself because that is going to enable you to move into the next relationship from a much different place it's what's going to allow you to break free from from codependency it's what's going to let you start dating again with the confidence that you can handle anything that happens and it's also going to give you insights into how people work because to be alone with yourself you're going to have to understand a lot about how you work that you probably don't realize just yet and when you are able to be alone with yourself you're going to have such a deeper understanding of your inner working that you're also going to understand how other people are thinking and feeling in a different way that's going to open up the opportunity for much deeper connection and for problem solving so that you can start dating without having to be afraid that the next relationship is going to end the same way your marriage did so this process of learning to be alone it's not so that you can just be alone forever it's so that you can be healthy and have the understanding and the clarity and the awareness necessary to have healthier relationships that last okay so the first thing that you need to do to get comfortable being alone is to recognize that this is going to be hard don't just expect yourself to be like Oh I'm great I'm alone there's a lot of different things at play here for one you just had a huge routine change right you used to share your whole life with this person they were there when you woke up they were there when you went to bed you talk to them throughout the day any time we change our routine even a small piece of our routine that's a little bit distressing to our nervous system you know the human brain the the part of our brain that wants us to just stay safe to be like in the cave by the fire safe and not going out into the dangerous world that survival part of our brain doesn't like change and so any change can be disruptive but this is a really really big change so don't expect your brain to just be okay with it know that this huge change in routine is going to impact you and also be aware that because you are experiencing the loss of a primary relation ship that is really triggering to the nervous system so humans are very dependent on one another for survival and I'm not talking about codependency I'm talking about how we evolved right we need each other we don't do very well as a single human out in the savanas of Africa right so our relationships are directly linked to our survival at least from an evolutionary perspective so to lose the primary relationships either through someone's death or through divorce that is alarming to the nervous system again that Primal part of the brain is like ah this is dangerous this is dangerous this is dangerous so that's another Factor we're changing routine we're losing a primary relationship so we've got two big signals to the nervous system to a very Primal like lizard part of our brain that says hey dangerous stuff is going on this isn't good then we layer on top of that shame and guilt and this is a huge part of why people struggle to be alone after divorce because they're alone with themselves and their brain is saying all kinds of things that are really painful it's beating them up for the mistakes they made the missed opportunities their failures and so you're alone and you've already got all of you know lost the primary relationship change in routine like the nervous system's already on edge and now your inner critic is in there just beating you up all of the time and so being alone can pretty quickly become unbearable so knowing that all of these factors are in place is important because it can help you set an expectation for yourself like don't expect yourself to just be okay and I'm not saying this as in like except that it's going to suck and you're going to be miserable there's a lot we can do but we need to start from the understanding that okay this is a challenging situation you know it's like if I were telling you you had to go around a marathon you wouldn't expect yourself to be able to do it tomorrow you can do it we can get there there's step-by-step processes there's work you can do to get to the point where you can run that marathon and do really well but you know there's going to be work to do right it's going to be there's going to be challenges along the way so getting to the place where you're comfortable alone after divorce is like running a marathon right there's going to be obstacles there's going to be challenges you're not going to do it tomorrow so set that expectation okay this is going to be challenging and I'm capable of doing it and so then we have to get to work so first we need to calm the nervous system right so those Primal parts of the brain that have been activated we need to help reassure them that you're actually okay you are not alone in the savannah in the middle of Africa somewhere about to be eaten by a lion because your wife left you are okay you are physically safe and here one of the simplest exercises to work on this is to notice the physical sensations of the space you're in so feel your feet on the floor feel the chair behind your back notice the smell in the room the sounds you can hear the temperature of the air activating the physical senses will help your brain come back to here and now and it sends the signal to the nervous system that oh we're here now no Lions no terrifying things about to eat us or kill us and there's a little bit of a release breathing exercises are also really helpful and so supportive for the nervous system box breathing is one that you can look up inhaling and then having a longer exhale has been shown to drop the nervous system down there's also some interesting physical resourcing exercises you can do uh that Peter Levine writes about with sematic experiencing um you can look those up as well I'll give you like one example he has you put one hand under your armpit and the other on your shoulder and press and just that physical pressure is calming and soothing for the nervous system another one of Peter Levine's is a hand on the chest a hand on the forehead not with pressure just lightly laying there these are simple and I know compared to the magnitude of this divorce and what it means for you and your life and your future and the pain you're in these things seem silly and small and insignificant I know do them anyway do them anyway it's like physical therapy for your nervous system do the breathing exercises find a physical resourcing tool that works for you read about box breathing practice mindfulness where you're aware of your physical Sensations there's a lot of different variations on these that you'll find on the internet if you Google mindfulness exercise mindful awareness somatic experiencing physical resourcing you're right they're silly they are they're small and they are not going to stop St the pain and they're not the ultimate solution to the pain what they are are effective tools for calming your nervous system and part of the reason this is hard is because your nervous system is freaking out because you're a human being who just lost a primary relationship and had a huge change to your routine so these are not the answer they're a tool that will help so use them and then the next area to tackle is that inner voice the shame and the guilt so if you come home and you walk in that door and your brain starts telling you painful things it's like you see nobody's here you know why they're not here because you're horrible because you're unlovable you know she was right about you you are broken you are an you are a narcissist if all of that starts going in your brain we got to work with that voice because as long as that shitty nasty inner critic is in your brain you are not going to be comfortable being by yourself there's a lot of different ways to work with the inner critic I'm just going to give you an overview of the simplest first is to recognize it notice when it's happening and this seems again small but it's a big deal often we're running with these thoughts for quite a while before we're even aware uh so start catching it be like whoa yep there's the inner criticism oh yep there's that voice of shame in my head catch it out notice it once you notice it work on making it your friend that inner critic has a goal for you it wants something good for you and I know that can be hard to believe but usually it wants you to be safe and it's punishing you into either changing and being better so that you can be safe and loved or it's punishing you so that you hide and stop going out and doing things that are putting you in risk and in danger so that critical inner voice it's nasty it's difficult but it usually wants something good for you and so you know since your brain's talking to you you can talk back to it and I would encourage you to start a dialogue with the inner critic don't fight with it don't argue with it just focus on finding the common ground you can see yourself like kind of as a master negotiator and there's how I should look it up if I find this book I will put the link in this video one of my clients shared a book with me about negotiation and it was written by a guy who was a hostage negotiator and he was saying you know when you get on a call you have to be making a friend right you have to be looking for common ground you have to have a quiet inviting tone of voice you have to be empathetic right and all of this to somebody who's taken these hostages right who is maybe killing people who's doing horrible things you have to befriend that person make a connection with that person in order to have a successful negotiation and a positive outcome it's the same thing when you're working with your inner critic it doesn't matter how awful and nasty and horrible that inner critic is you have to find a way to make friends with it if you want to negotiate a different strategy because that's all the inner critic is it's a shitty strategy in your brain your brain thinks that beating you up is somehow going to make you safer it's going to make you better so that you don't get hurt it's going to keep you from going and putting yourself out there in a new relationship so you don't get hurt right and somewhere along the way it learned that Bering you and beating you up and judging you as a way to do this and I'm not surprised that learned that because if you look around as a culture we tend to do a lot of beating up and judging so your brain learned that it's a bad strategy it's not working it's making you struggle to be alone it's creating all kinds of problems but it has a positive intention it wants you to be safe so you have to become this expert negotiator and you have to go into your own brain and be like wow hey inner critic hey nasty internal voice of Shame I'm here and I want to listen to you and I want to get to know you and I want to know what you want and you can start to befriend your inner critic and I know it feels weird to talk to yourself I know but you talk to yourself all the time your brain is chattering at you all the time when you walk through that door after work at night and you're in the house alone your brain is talking and usually it's saying things you don't want to hear and it's not listening when you tell it to shut up and so you have to spend a ton of energy distracting yourself uh you drink too much you eat too much you don't eat at all you oversleep you undersleep you binge on YouTube videos there's so many things that we do to get away from the talking our brain is already doing all I'm suggesting is that you engage with it instead of dist acting and ignoring it and if you engage with it with compassion and from this hostage negotiator stance where like you have to befriended if you're going to get to a positive resolution you'll be amazed at the progress that you can make with that voice inside your head so that is the second huge part to being alone after the divorce first we've got to get your nervous system calm down and all of these little exercises if you do them consistently they will start to help drop drop the nervous system down then we've got to make friends with that inner critic so that that voice of Shame shuts up finally do those two things you're going to find that being alone becomes a lot better there's still going to be things to tackle right there's still grief right divorce is sad there's the loss of what was which is sad and there's also the loss of the future you had envisioned for yourself with your wife so there's grief you're still going to have to go through grief and there's some things that we can do to expand your capacity so that you can go through that grief without being pulled into a depression um that's maybe beyond the scope of this video um and then there's some things that you can do to actually start building a healthier relationship with yourself right so instead of just silencing the voice of Shame you can start to have a more constructive self-image identifying your values where you're going in your life the kind of person you're actively becoming start gratitude practices there's a lot of things that we can do to start to build you up but first and really like the the being alone post divorce triage is calming the nervous system and quieting that inner critic through making friends with it those two things are going to make you feel so much more stable being alone then we have room to start working on okay how do we get to the point where we actually feel good being with yourself and Trust Me by the time you do all of this work you're going to have such a strong understanding of how the human brain works and how emotions arise and how to effectively move through and manage them and the next time you go out on a date and you see the other person reacting in certain ways you're going to be like oh my gosh this makes so much sense I just had to do all this with my brain I know what you're feeling I know what you're thinking and I know what kind of support or companionship you need so this process is so valuable because learning to be alone with yourself sets you up to really connect effective with others and now you can have relationships that are profound that involve vulnerability and openness and intimacy and they aren't just like the surface parts of yourselves it's the Deep parts and then that's how you can have healthier relationships that that last because that deeper intimacy connection and mutual understanding is there so I hope you're seeing that this is worth while work um because I know these first bits calming the nervous system and working with it and our critic are hard um they can be daunting but the results are so so worth it so if you would like more support in the nitty-gritty how to do this hop on over to my free Master Class how to take back control of your life after divorce it's going to give you a lot more detail and how to work with the nervous system in particular and the inner critic as well um so those tools it's an hourlong Master Class it just goes a lot deeper into that than I can here in this video so I hope to see you in the master class thank you for watching and I'll see you guys in the next video

Channel: Rachael Sloan - Divorce Coach for Men

Views: 2,664

Keywords: mens divorce support, divorce recovery for men, building resilience as a divorced man, divorce, life after divorce for men, empowerment for divorced men, redefining identity after divorce, coping with divorce as a man, thriving as a single dad, men's self discovery post divorce, fatherhood after divorce, Divorce Recovery, Alone After Divorce, Self Discovery, Embrace Solitude, Solo Journey, Self Reflection, Empowerment, Personal Growth, Emotional Healing, Single Life, How to

Id: hEpO1xg4YF8

Length: 16min 31sec (991 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 14 2024