What's My Line? - Groucho Marx destroys the show; Claudette Colbert (Sep 20, 1959)

[Music] what's my life brought to you by kellogg's the folks who bring the best to you each morning the widest choice of cereals in the forms you like best yours from kellogg's of battle creek now let's all play what's my life and now let's meet our award-winning panel of what's my line first the delightful star of stage and television miss arlene francis and now a young man who begins his 13th year on television next thursday with that hilarious program you bet your life and as an added starter his funny biography autobiography groucho in me is in bookstores all across the country now the really authentic width of our time mr groucho mark not only authentic wit but authentic love i'll say and i would like to introduce mrs richard coleman uh frequently known as dorothy kilgallen imagine if we can get paid for this for service thank you is there anyone else in here i think there's someone but you've rattled me so i'm not sure who it is yes i am uh a book came out today and was reviewed ecstatically by one and all of the very hard-boiled reviewers it was nothing really it's sure to be i think uh number one on the best seller list it's act one by the famous playwright moss hart and the happy publisher of the book is our panelist bennett serge happy to have you with us sometimes known as dorothy kilgall and here is our very frustrated paddle moderator because he wants to go to disneyland too john charles david then it is completely right but i promise i won't make as much of a fuss about not getting there good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to what's my line we have some very nice folks who've come to visit us and brought some interesting occupations with which we intend to give the panel including our guest tonight groucho marx a rough time we'll also have a famous mystery guest before the panel a little bit later in the show and we'll meet our first challenger after this let's meet our first challenger would you come in and sign in please [Applause] [Music] nikita sergiyevich mcfarland is that right [Applause] henry mcfarland you know he looks exactly like mcfarland you ever been to disneyland i don't think i'd be allowed in mr mcfarlane where are you from jersey city jersey city well you're practically a neighbor so i think that uh you've just heard from mr marx who's from the west coast but i think the rest are near neighbors and you'll recognize them the panel panel mr mcfarland will you join me over here please sir mr mcfarland are you familiar with the way we keep score on what's my line yes i am sir in that event let's let the audience in the theater and the folks who are looking in at home know exactly what your line is all right panel we will tell you that mr mcfarland is salaried and let's begin the general questioning with uh arlene francis uh mr mcfarland would i be correct in assuming that you are not a security agent for nikita khrushchev you are do you work for a profit-making organization unlike the man you resemble no that is one doubt a night to go thank you very much mr francis mr mark is this product found in your kitchen we haven't arrived at a product yet if you want to take a shot at it well he must have a kitchen got a kitchen i'm sure is that the product do you make candy no that's 2.98 what do you do for a living occupation you have a kitchen you have a kitchen we'll stand up and let's see it that's really a bay window uh that's two dozen dates ago miss kilgown [Laughter] mr mcfarland the non-profit making organization that you work for uh is it any form of government i'd say yes uh is it uh something other than the federal government yes is it state government no three down and seven to go mr sir uh mr mcfarland i don't want to get any nets from you uh you're in yet if you expect anything else uh is it uh something to do with the with the city government no that's four down and six to go miss francis uh do you wear uh something like what you have on now when you're at your job mr mcfarlane just a a business suit yes uh do you work indoors yes do you have an office yes would you be considered a man with a desk job no i would say no well small conference if we may oh we'll talk too i mean [Laughter] i changed that too yes you two are getting pretty chummy over there we need to party know the man and actually what i'm really hoping for is that before the evening's over i can fix it so that you will be chummy with our guests [Music] that must have some overtone of some kind it's up to you isn't it it's up to me do you want it to be up to you no no no uh do you have anything at all disciplinarian in your job i'd say yes um do people that have done the wrong thing ever appear before you reforming yes yes uh am i correct in saying you are not a truant officer no i am not do men and women both come before you yes oh gosh you get a lot of questions i only got two questions before how long are you going to write a line there i'll tell you what has a man like groucho marx ever come before you i i i'll ask you to withdraw that question please i'm not going to be put in the position where groucho can sue me after this program no i intend to sue you between the program is it up to me now no no not it will be do you have a legislative job of any kind no that's five down and five to go are you a corrupt politician or am i being redundant [Laughter] as your counsel i must advise you that you have the right to take uh certain protections under the law here don't answer the question right the question uh is withdrawn it is well let's say you withdraw it is it up to me now please could you ask her you've got the list of questions for products that you fixed up you know get the other one for services do you regard that as two questions what i just asked no i wouldn't think it was two questions no i think it was one are you a decorator a decorator that's all six thousand four to go it's gonna give you 30 give me the money i don't know uh mr mcfarland i would like if possible to get back to the disciplinary aspects of what you do uh you work indoors but you don't think it's necessarily a desk job do you move no we changed the answer we did well i'm a little befuddled and you can understand why uh i'm sorry i guess i didn't hear that is your color button come undone groucho i beg upon did your collar button come on i did that deliberately oh you did it that's different it's warm it's a little like being hung sitting here do you go on honey are you confused dorothy no i just want a green light oh you've got a green light now uh is there in the place where you work anything resembling a cell yes uh do you work in a type of prison or penitentiary or jail yes are you the warden [Applause] [Music] mr mcfallen just for the benefit of those members of the panel who reside in the immediate area is the warden of the hudson county jail over in new jersey see you later kid huh and i want you to meet your old chum to be groucho martin i'll be there on time now do you need special training many people comment on the fact that you look like nikita sergiyevich very many yes sir you find this a handicap oh no no actually the charming fellow in between sentences well thank you very much sir and i think that you have uh given the panel a rough time we nearly got them all the way thank you very much come again mr [Music] mcfarland do you ever hear that song about jersey there's an old song of jay-z i wonder who the hell invented jay-z wait a minute the statue of liberty faces down the bay ashamed to look the other way over towards the jersey dear old jay-z over towards the jersey side should have brought my guitar let's see what we can do with another challenge don't you have any girls out there yeah this is when you come here a girl a lady [Applause] [Music] judy grey miami miami florida oh it's very nice of you to come this far to visit us on a sunday night i'd like you to meet the panel well we got over that hurdle now will you come over here and sit down with me right here please are you familiar with our scorekeeping system yes i am all right then we let everybody accept the panel know exactly what your line is all right panel we'll tell you that miss grebel is self-employed and let's begin the general questioning with bennett surf miss greybull is a blonde those of you who are not seeing this show in color and since it isn't in color i guess that includes really everybody so you should be pretty glad that it's groucho i didn't get that either would you like to go back and do that over here uh that won't be on until three hours uh miss grebel i want to explain to people is very blunt and you couldn't tell that on a black and white set as well as you could in a color set joe that's a very good statement she might be a brunette tomorrow huh let's get on with the show i would like to say it groucho is safer than harpo with blondes that's all oh i should send zeppo a wire too he's married yeah miss miss grebel uh there are thousands and thousands of tourists that go down to florida every year have you got anything whatever to do with these tourists no i haven't that's one down at night long time getting that one miss francis do you come in contact with people in your job yes i do uh both men and women well this is very difficult to answer we have to presume as a starting point that all of us uh who are by reason of our occupations necessarily brought in contact with the public will be come in contact in the normal pursuit of our business with both men and women some of us may to a greater degree or another uh be forced to come into more contact with one sex than the other and uh you realize that no one's listening to you yes i don't groucho i was kind of hoping that was true bring out khrushchev again we're not getting anywhere does that answer your question he certainly does no i'll come on with the show now do you work indoors yes you do do you instruct it anyway no that's two down and eight to go mr mark go ahead i've found in your kitchen pardon me is this product that you manufacture just told me she didn't get the question i told her she was lucky now let's start all over again well she's even luckier she's not going to get the answer now this product you manufacture is that sold would you be apt to find this in the living room or the uh dining room or the kitchen well you can't answer that question know something a woman can't make a living just being a blonde although i've heard of a few who have every statement or question that you have every statement you've made every question you've asked except that last one the answer is no that's three dollars and seven to go miss kilgoff i'm starting to get through quickly on this show up to you uh mrs kilgown i miss killian mrs gravel are the men and women that you come in contact with more or less infrequently or frequently as the case may be are they grown-up human beings yes now would you say that you deal with more sex more with one he made me do it you think i'm the only one that's obsessed with that subject huh oh boy what a freudian panel isn't it the people would only talk [Laughter] dorothy before we pursue this subject any further i don't want to pursue it any further but i'll get her up here and i'll pursue i think if you're going to pursue this line of questioning we must first elicit or at least find the term of reference in which the question is asking if you are speaking of physical contact or the normal social contact of the conduct of business we would be able to help you i would like to withdraw the question she's getting as crazy as i am uh have we established whether there's a product or not has that no that hasn't been established uh may i assume that there is no product connected with what you do right so you deal in services entirely are people happier or better off because of what you do i would think sometimes actually we must agree here that it would again depend on the relationship of the individuals who are uh utilizing in one way or another the services which is getting out of it good job daily uh uh in uh in your line are there other people who are doing the same thing in new york that you do in miami millions of them would it be possible for a man to do what you do uh would you say that there might even be more men doing what you do than women yes there is uh when you deal with people do you touch them yes do you touch them above the waist yes uh how much do you do you touch them above the shoulders yes are you a foot doctor do you in any way alter or improve their appearance 4.6 to go i'm going to give you one more minute miss grebel uh when these people come to you and have touched uh do they remain fully clothed while you're trying i quit i quit [Music] i said can i have one try yeah is it anything like judo or something uh athletic that this young lady i think bennett was looking for that too i think we have to tell you now because time is running short on us that miss grebel is a professional wrestler miss grebel began wrestling at the age of 18 mr marx and he's been wrestling for five years and if you make anything i've never won you might never get up and leave the day thank you very much mr table it was loads of fun and now we'll meet tonight's mystery guest in just a moment but first here is a word from our sponsor now we come to the special feature program about mystery celebrities always my friends of the panel are blind are you history [Applause] thank you well the first thing we'll do is disqualify groucho marx that's item one since he's got his mask over his nose instead of his eyes and then we just behind the panel questioning is a little bit different as you all know and we begin with dorothy kilgallen because we're running out of time uh are you uh in the motion picture business duh mr sir are you related to groucho marx one night ago miss francis groucho wants to know if your product is found in the [Music] kitchen no i i had the blindfold half off looking at groucho so i know it's a lady but i promise you i didn't how do you know it's a lady i saw her skirt isn't that a sign no that's no indication at all is it a woman is it up to me no you had it what do you mean don't i get a chance at this no i didn't be the blindfold you know it was inadequate to its point i know who it is i'll drop out it's mae west [Laughter] [Applause] this eileen you've asked your question have you uh uh are you in the theater pardon me just a moment can i help her no you can't help anybody you just sit there and watch you all this kill gallon uh was the answer yes or no which is not may west that's yes yes duh uh are you currently no i'll withdraw that art are you soon uh about to open in a broadway show uh this season i mean soon about to think i mean yeah that's two down and eight to go mr sir are you related to any southern congressman yeah 37 to go miss francis well are you already playing on broadway in a play duh miss kilgarel yes is that a yes yes duh oh uh is it a musical it's not music 460 gold is to serve the play it's not a musical is that right is it a minstrel show is it a comedy duh miss francis [Music] [Laughter] now i want you all to have a chance to see ourselves so groucho really i'm gonna flip all the cards it's that divine delicious glorious girl claudette and to satisfy everybody the marriage go round in which miss claudette colbert is now starring was resumed but was resumed a few days ago last monday but it's a comedy yeah but not a musical we said it was a comedy it is a musical one of the stagehands things a gentleman and we'll be back after this word from our ultimate sponsor groucho because of time i've got to say it for the whole gang it's been great fun having you with us and thank you ladies and gentlemen for being with us on what's my line [Music] transportation for contestants on what's my line is arranged by united airlines what's my line is the cbs television network production in association with mark goodson and bill todd

Channel: What's My Line?

Views: 1,595,766

Rating: 4.8462791 out of 5

Keywords: What's My Line? (TV Program), Episodes (TV Program), Game Show (TV Genre), John Charles Daly, Arlene Francis (Author), Bennett Cerf, Dorothy Kilgallen, Groucho Marx (Author), Claudette Colbert (Theater Actor)

Id: p6wxrLjJobM

Length: 26min 6sec (1566 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 10 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/Voxer89]

Brilliant WML of Groucho Marx twisting the show, somewhat reminiscent of an Eric Andre of the era in the way he tackles the hosts, participants and "typical" format of television of the time