What is Great Parenting? Become A Better Parent | Dr. Shefali Tsabary with Vishen Lakhiani

[Music] welcome Safari thank you vision so you took you dared need to say your name five times miniaturize about your father Somali Somali shabari it's a great words my name again huh that's so it again firstly thank you for coming all the way here and just give us a little bit of backstory of of where you're from where you currently reside and what made you fly all the way here to Estonia well you did and you did and I was so curious to see what you all are doing here so that was a no-brainer that was the easiest part of the decision so I live in New York and left India when I was 21 in quest for myself and still finding and along the way realized that I needed to go within and began practicing Vipassana meditation which revealed to me many of the attachments that we are all subjugated to and began detaching from them slowly and surely and then became a mother along the way became a clinical psychologist and began seeing the insanity of all these attachments being superimposed so quickly on to our children as if they were clay and we were the sculptors and felt of a Hemant uprising within me to stop this felt a deep impassioned calling to call this as an infamous practice this thing we call parenting its infamy its treachery let's stop the way it's being done but it was highly unpopular and I lost many a client and my livelihood tanked so I had to ask is this worth it is this worth going against the most defensive of all species the parent but I stuck to it because I saw in my own parenting how treacherous the roar and rise and rigidity of my ego was how obsessive it was how incomplete unwhole unfulfilled totally lacking it was you know the only mother I was prepared to be was the mother of my fan of the child of my fantasies I wasn't ready for the real child before me so when I saw the real child it was so asynchronous to all that I had imagined I was ready to you know leave the child start again but we can't do that with children which is why the parent-child relationship is the most unique relationship because you can't divorce them can't really blame them because we've been raising them since day one damn it so there's no one to blame so now you're stuck in this cage of self responsibility and agonizing self accountability nowhere to hide especially not if you come see someone like me so you kind of popularized the term conscious parenting but what is that what does it mean to be a conscious parent it's you realize that - every moment in your life but mostly - your parenting you are bringing your unhealed wounds from your childhood so the raising of the child becomes the eternal question which child are we raising are we raising the real child or the child within each one of us because all of us sitting here today and all watching are just children just at more adults more ready to pay a bill or two but really we are tantruming screaming crying desperate inner children and so one of the things that you were quoted as saying and this this I believe was in The Washington Post right so I found this paragraph interesting Shefali seaberries ten-year-old daughter has never seen a report card they don't even talk about grades if has happened recently her daughter brings home a test marked a such Shefali doesn't praise the achievement even though she has plenty of high status letters attached to her own name including an MA and a PhD why why didn't I focus on the grade and now she's obsessed with grades but back then before I succumbed to mainstream I stuck true for 10 to 12 years but then you know you have to succumb at some point you know you have to be forgiven too big now I'm just teasing I'm just teasing okay so the philosophy behind not seeing grades is simple and it's it's apparent because our identity cannot be affixed to anything on the outside so this culture this educational system we so Podesta lies is really such a affront to the soul really because it quantifies and reduces the ineffable essence that exists within all of us into a letter and a number and makes our children obsessed with the outcome all the the things that you don't do on a spiritual path to discovering soul so it's anti soul it's anti bliss it's anti Destiny and anti manifestation so we're throwing our children and I've done it to throwing our children into the world of so-called learning but really they're dumbing down the illumination they're dumbing down their lights that's what they're doing at school they're dumbing they're not learning and they're certainly not transforming certainly not evolving so is there a certain age at which we should start caring about grades because I mean after all grades teach a kid that life isn't always going to be fair that even in their careers they're gonna be competing with other people and grades also you might say teach a kid discipline they teach to get the importance of hard work right so like I said jokingly but not so that after a certain age I too began to teach my daughter the value of being in this world as it is so if we can be clear as parents that this world is split as I said earlier into the ego as we would call it which is predicated on fear and lack and competition and separation or you want to call it the finite world or you want to call it the world of form or the material world or the dense world whatever term you want to call it this is very thick with delusion world that we live in and then there's this limitless potential that we all have this this thing that is unquantifiable this thing that can can never die that is eternal that never ever was created or nor can it be destroyed that thing needs to also coexist if not superimpose this thing on earth the form so this formless essence needs to be understood as being the priority as a parent as a human so as long as we can hold the vision toward the formless potential within us all and see the interconnectedness of our oneness and hold that in the vision then of course you have to teach your kid to have a shower brush their teeth and get good grades and finish their homework but it is the mere form of of the way of the material world it is not the reality so as long as we understand what is conditioned and what is real we'll be ok and we'll teach our children the same you live in the world of form but don't be overwhelmed by it and don't belong to it and don't let it belong you keep your eye on the formulas on the essence so when you do that as a parent you relinquish your anxiety right because when the bad grade comes home you don't see it for the form which is so limited and quantified you see it for all that it is yet unmanifested that is yet unknown you see it for its potential to to maybe allow your child to realize that that's not their passion maybe it's the way if you try to realize who they really need to be in the world and they need to discover that inner calling themselves it is that conduit to the formless but you see our fault or our limitation is that we've been so seduced by the minutia by the form based details of this world the imbroglio is the chaos that we forget that the form such as a bad grade is only the conduit to the formless but we instead get subjugated by it as if it's the all the be all the eternal reality this is the complete delusion we live in as parents and who suffers not only does the child but the parent the parent is acutely anxious because they're living now tethered not only to their own obsession with form but to the child's inability to handle the form and formless and what you mean when you're talking about form is the rituals the beliefs of the culture scape of the world around us the conditioning yes parents teachers fathers preachers generations passed on how we offer exactly and what you're saying is don't be obsessed with that exactly then if you had to teach what you feel is the truth to a ten-year-old what is that what is that idea that nugget that wisdom that you need to implant in your tenure oh well oh I can redefine what you're saying though I understand the essence but let's redefine it how about we don't do anything because we allow we we stay away we open up the space we keep our ego out it's all what we need to do less of the problem is we're so obsessed as if we're producing the next PhD concerto symphony as if they are next you know project that we can show to the world our trophy that's the problem so if we go after them to become conscious that becomes the next obsession right ice to do this with my daughter will you meditate ice to tell I was like why eyes open breathe and she was like okay how do I be I was like just breathe and every time she like squiggled or wiggled of or like just wondered I was like breathe so spirit you're right but we're mad we are insane if it's not this insanity it's the next and the flavor of today's insanity at least in this room will be let's make our children spiritual that will be our new project that's the next delusion we cannot want anything from our children so when I ask friends what do you want for your child they fall right into the trap I just want my child to be happy every word there almost is deluded first I shouldn't feature so that already we've begun wrong so therefore it's a precipitous fall into no-man's land into the gutter okay so let's just excuse because you have to say something you have to use something give some pronoun attached to something then the next word I want want want you want how can you want anything for your child your child does not belong to you I know you're so seduced you the illusion was but it came it wrecked it wrecked this body it it I can want some things this child does belong to me but that's another delusion of forms he formed eludes us you know form makes us believe it is but it is not it is the conduit to the formless the child came to you to show you to detach from that which was inevitably already wrecked but it was already wrecked now we just have someone to blame so I want happiness then I say what's happen is who knows what happened this is I told you it's just another euphemism for success which is only money really really so let's not pretend so I want my kid do you be happy all of it is wrong you can never want anything for anybody else and even when you want for yourself you're gonna go on the wrong path because if you want something you're coming from lack so the whole premise has to change so I get what you're saying and you know it reminds you of that that Khalil Gibran poem where he starts with your children do not belong to you they come through you they come through you and but you also said this you said the premise of a child is not to fulfill their parents needs but to become fully evolved independent and unique beings right so how can we help them become fully evolved independent and unique beings what what surely there is something we can do or do oh is this just a total cans off approach [Laughter] because I'm a guy I gotta fix things I gotta fix my 10 year old so I I understand I deeply empathize with your insanity I feel fear but I think this is this is the the challenge this is why parenting is so genius and why we keep doing it but we do it for the wrong reasons we do it to glorify the ego we forget that we're supposed to call the soul but we keep having it so no problem one day we'll get it but to stand on this exact agony of wanting to fix and do but knowing they don't belong to you have no jurisdiction beyond food and shelter and clothing and some basic values that's it so you're standing on the agony right of this very egoic call let me do to you please look what you've done to me let me make you give me something back please make me look good the call of the ego is so strong from this child and they're so young and you're like no one's looking I'm alone with this child a lot I can make anything out of this buddy right so the call of the ego is so strong and you have to stand there in the highest spiritual calling and not fall for the call of the ego and rise into your own knowing so you rise into your own knowing and you fall back into your own wholeness and radiate with that now do that yeah I know yeah it's tough it's tough that's beautiful he said so hi so so my 10 year old hayden was was outside in the children's classes and at 6:00 p.m. I went to see him and I said hey hate him you want to come sit in the front row and beam back and listen to one of the world's foremost parenting experts talk to me and teach me how not to you up and he says now that I'm going home damn it yeah he's like it's already too late so let's talk about this you and I both have Indian heritage right now Asian parenting is a whole different species I'm sterile right and what are your views on Asian parenting on Tiger moms on that whole now call them Asian parents I have a lot of Asian parent ions who are very devoted so let's just talk about the breed off of this particular obsessive quality yeah let's not give it a title as all of them believe me yeah so we in our part of the world have our own idiosyncrasy but let's not be fooled every part of the world has its own flavor and the flavor is extreme hyper-vigilance extreme domination extreme molding as if this person before you is not an intelligent being but really to have empathy it's because this is a these cultures have themselves been severed from their own innate intelligence this is all we know how to do you know and look how good we are at spelling these it's it's the it's it is the symbol of being cut off from feral intelligence and being doctored into very tailored regurgitation I mean if that's not the pure symbolism of what's been done to the parent then what is it's a tragedy and you see it in the form of this over achieving and over zealous kind of parenting but we need to have empathy for what the parent has gone through to really make headway right easy to judge but for true healing to take place we have to understand where the parent is coming from that's all they know Automation regurgitation you know tailoring doctoring moving forward in a very precise line but but how do you reconcile that with this quote from you from day one as a parent I decided I would focus only on effort I hate when I use words like that you know I will only do certain things my editor should have taken all those over-ambitious words out because now when I hear them 15 years later I'm like cringing but go ahead yeah right most of us again quoting you most of us are so obsessed with performance it kills the ability to enjoy effort yeah exactly so it's about understanding the parent if the parent is rooted in the in the place in their soul that this is a journey and that the child has come many times before and will come many times henceforth because their energy that can never be destroyed then you ease a little bit from the the precipitous task to create to mold to fix to to hone to master this child right now and you fall back and it you realize that this is the journey not only the journey of the child's but the journey of your own evolution so then effort is the journey now the performance is only the last little piece and the performance is something declared by an external entity so once you realize that the the teacher the professor who gave that grade albeit needing respect needs to also get legitimate respect not respect where the soul is abducted in obeisance to that you understand so it's it's if you have your eye on the prize of the journey then you'll minimize your own stress you've unclad and unclenched from these very miniscule moments that actually then become your life right it's like a woman who has a wrinkle now that's become her life or if her boyfriend leaves her that's become her life in the same way if the child gets a c-grade don't make it the life understand it's all the journey toward greater unfolding so here's a practical question okay so if the child gets a C grade right we we we can be chilled with that now there are times when I come back and I know it's the dad I know I seriously don't don't look at my kids report cards but there are times when I come back as a dad when my kid was seven and eight and nine and I would ensure that I would spend half an hour to 45 minutes one-on-one daddy time with him and we'd watch a documentary or we'd read in encyclopedia Deveney turn nine and ten he just told me he didn't want to do that right what he wants to do is maybe watch a movie on Netflix or play Minecraft with his friends and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing should I really let him do that or should I you know kind of pull him to play the chemistry set with me or to read an encyclopedia with me am i doing something wrong in a way I'm kind of relieved that he wants to do his own stuff because then I can do my own stuff but I don't know what's right and what's wrong well first you know since you're putting yourself out there so bravely we'll use you as a little bit of an example so you know I can tease you I know so you know when you said I spent time with my son or when we spend time with our children we're thinking it means that we're going to be together a spirit with spirit just joining just being just chilling but when you describe what you do with your son it sounded very like effortful and purposeful chemistry said I heard then I heard what were the other reading an encyclopedia watching a document watching a documentary I wonder why this kid oh god I am so glad Hayden is not in the room thank God he went home yeah another thing I never let my child who is this into my talks so if you're so good why don't you just have one kid why not like ten because I said before I only needed one to show me my insanity III my my would my defenses are not that thick I was ready to like crumble or see already making a mistake by two months old shop is closed okay so so then walk us through the typical day or the parent right like how what what were you doing with your children s you got them dressed and fed them breakfast and took them to school was there anything unique or different that you did no I was a typical parent completely mired in my ego losing it every ten minutes not knowing what I was doing waiting for the child of my fantasy to show up every day I said today is the day not the day that I'll show up but the day that she is going to show up and within ten minutes when that didn't come true my ego would unleash so I did that for the first three four years of my child very formative years and then I woke up so please don't be thinking you know life in my house is some glory glory picnic along the banks of the Baltic Sea or something it's not it's a horror show because I messed up the first three years I was unconscious I didn't know that I was waiting for my child of my fantasies and that was the wrong thing I didn't tell me that yet so a typical parent will struggle between the world of form and doing things and getting things done and these children who just are here to test your every particle of patience they are engineered to not follow the world of form and here we're taking them into the world of form and they're kicking and screaming so this is the battle you walk that line every single day to stay in formless say in form is holding on to it with your dear life and every two minutes you've been challenged by this child who just doesn't want to enter the world of form so what do you do it's it's the art of practicing mindfulness in the moment they are your teachers there to show you look how attached you are to the dress that I just vomited on why are you so attached look how attached you are that I eat every piece of the beautiful scrambled egg you just made me why you so attached mom I don't want it anymore well I just took 10 minutes to make it why're you so attached right so they're here to show you everyday why we're so attached so if you can't bow down to that and see the joy in that then you're going to be manic and obsessed you have to see the beauty of what they're doing for you they're here to lambast your ego into smithereens for that they need to be thanked and they're waiting for their bags it's funny I see the kids in the front row nodding their head so so let's say let's say you have a seven-year-old child you're about to ship them off to school but he refuses to eat breakfast and you know he the bus is here you know if he doesn't finish his breakfast he's gonna be storming a couple of hours down down the clock what do you do did you just let him bought the bus hungry Wow yes so this really I have done because at some point you realize listen child if you don't want to eat and you want to hear your stomach grumble and you like that music how can i intervene how can i interfere between you and your stomach so I'm taking myself out of the equation and I've given many a parent to take breakfast you know the most important meal of the day we wake up because we're not children are sleeping we are the best parents so we make the best breakfast because we've not yet have been reminded that the child of our fantasy is not waking up so every day it's reset we press the read we press the reset button into delusion every day we're like ah I will be the parent of my fantasy and they will wake up as a children of my fantasy so we put on the apron this is what would be mothers do fathers they gave it up a long time ago but we every day but you see in all fairness we mothers the body was wrecked we have to get some payback we gave up the career we need a payback we're not interested in in the husband who now looks just like the children so we need a payback we need some payback so we put on the apron and we get out our chefs you know hands and spirit and then we conjure up a breakfast and then the children wake up so I have made many a parent admit that this fantasy of every morning starting fresh and new this romance needs to end so throw the breakfast out and there is no more the most important meal of the day [Music] so now I wanna I I want to pursue some slightly edgier questions about an hour ago on stage here you said anything that separates you from oneness is a delusion and you went on to say saying that I'm an Indian I am in Estonian that is a delusion okay but how do we as parents then help our kids understand our culture understand their national identity understand their heritage are you saying that that that's something we should avoid as well well you know when you teach your children to be zealot attaches to an identity your national identity think of what we're doing no I mean yeah I want my kid to be proud of my identity but this is a new consciousness we're stepping into that was the old way the new consciousness is that we are of one identity yes now with the way the internet has broken down the walls now where one it's clear so raise your children with that consciousness so when my daughter was being raised in America but I'm from one country her father's from another country and the question of mom Who am I and I didn't raise her to follow a particular religion or a particular way she's basically really confused right now I said to just tell the people in the forum world I said I gave her an answer I said you say your country a and your country B and your country C and none where she's very confused but one day it will all coalesce you see because she's in the world of duality so it doesn't make sense for one day it'll all make sense so what I'm saying the best answer would be yes you are of this but you're not only this and certainly this doesn't define you so you're this and you're all that you want to be and you can't see it now let's let us an easier question do we have a right as parents then to raise our kid in our religion because in many religions of the world like evangelical Christians or Muslim or Hindu or Hindu you have to raise your kid in your religion what are your views on that is that bad is that something we as a human species should stop right yes okay so the answer is complex right and this is such a sensitive topic so I'll be very gentle with your egos which are very attached so all I will ask you is to challenge yourself to really see what you're doing when you ask your children to follow anyway but certainly a way to believe something about the world a cosmological viewpoint so religion in essence may teach your children to look outward they made it may teach your children that if they follow a certain set of very dualistic principles good/bad Heaven Hell inside outside evil not evil then perhaps if you're very very good and lucky you may attain salvation from the outside most religions are predicated on inner lack on inner evil really that you need to be redeemed on inner impoverishment so teach your children all you want but know what you're teaching them when you teach them that they need to redeem they need to be saved they need something - something from the outside - to create salvation so the tainted Ness is enormous yes you're teaching them you're tainted until if only when a whole list of things the Eternity are followed then maybe you may reach the the pearly gates of your bliss this is a dangerous thing to teach but it is the way of the mainstream and it is mired in in to me a separatist viewpoint almost oppressive but it's so indoctrinated in us that people may not even be able to hear that it's not against the religion that I speak it's against you teaching yourself and your children that you don't have and possess an own inner divinity within you amazing firstly thank you for being bold enough to say something like that so what then about cultural rituals growing up in a Hindu family I had to go through certain rituals which I just could not stand but I had to do it anyway because I would otherwise disappoint my grandparents so my parents made me do it and if you and when I had children they went through certain Orthodox Christian rituals again not to disappoint the grandparents though my wife and I were cool so we had our kids baptized and so on is that something that we should continue so well just know what you're doing so you're already saying that you did it because of fear puppeteered by the strings of unconscious ancestors you're already entering it completely inauthentic lying and smiling and telling a child smile smile this is the happiest day of your life or something like that so it's okay if you're doing it just know the game you're playing then don't pretend they are going to be more holy tomorrow or you're holy because you did that so just know what you're doing if you're doing it because your grandma's gonna kill me okay then you have to then do it her and make her pay for it but know why you're doing it don't pretend do it all do all the form based worlds I send my daughter to a very typical public school because I'm not paying for a glorified public school called private school no I'm like you go and not homeschooling I'm not that dedicated so so I know what I'm doing to my child I'm like go child be done unto you what has been done on to all of us so so what then about restrictions how do we as parent know what to restrict our children from I love those two little like eight-year-olds right up front listening so attentively congratulations so so what about restrictions and I'm talking about you know too much time on an iPad too much time watching television age-appropriate content on the Internet aren't there certain things that we need to protect our children from yes yes yes absolutely but it's going to be an uphill battle because mainstream will pull at you and your children are now raised by mainstream so the antidote needs to be created so rather going against which is obviously for them demand us delectable manna from heaven you know look at all of us with our phones right you know you're licking it at night you're like thank you thank you you know thank you I have you it's your bedfellow so we know the addiction and we know it's seduction so instead of fighting that try to create the antidote I say now does that mean we don't have limitations with boys and gaming and girls on social media for hours at nauseam at inappropriate ages yes you know I want I am trying to do a campaign of no screen still teens right I know no one will watch it but but I'm because I am against it but to be against anything in resistance is a failing cause I realize so we can educate and we can teach you we can do the best we can but the most effective way I think is to do its antidote and the antidote to that is human personal connection so yes your kid will be on the screen because it's so seductive but then we challenge ourselves to seduce our children back into the embrace of our connection and that takes a lot of work and that takes you being present right we all use the internet and the screens as babysitters we do for our own self so the is the challenge you know we're making the screens and technology the enemy now it is but to fight it as if it has a hold on you means to lose your power it is dangerous what's happening it is unhealthy for our children because what's happening is that they are at every hour on a screen is every hour away from interpersonal and live engaged human connection so create the antidote then or create the boundary mmm-hmm so I want to start asking you a couple of questions that came from our audience both online on Facebook live so a big shout out to those of you watching on Facebook live go ahead and click the heart of the like comment if you're enjoying this conversation and I have a question from someone here in the audience so let me first start with the question from dr. Judy Gianni who is here Judy are you in the room Judy is somewhere here now Judy said how can I encourage my team who's almost 14 to develop habits of taking care of her belongings and to respect common areas not leaving her stuff all over the place because nagging is not working you know these are the form based anxieties that we get caught up in you know I use the example of you know when your child comes home with a backpack and then what do they do with the backpack they just throw it first fight starts right there as if this backpack is going to swallow us right so I had a whole conversation with the backpack because I as soon as she came home you see we forget our children have been at school all day with very annoying authoritative adults who are mostly mostly caught up in the unconsciousness of a very systematized oppression themselves so they come home and we like put them back away when you're five minutes to eat and then we leave a soccer and then we're going for volleyball and then and then by their how are you you know I love you so much so I had to have a conversation with the backpack as a symbol of things because we expect our children to be a little bit of mother Teresa and a little bit of Michael Phelps and a little bit of some OCD fastidious crazy person and and clean up as they go like a Swiper you know they're they're their own little Swiper they walk swipe walk swipe this is what we wanted so when we see the chaos it reflects the inner chaos yes and we're like no we just want to teach our children to be neat and tidy yes of course you can teach but the way we react is because it reflects the inner chaos and we can't stand feeling helpless in the face of this walking talking tsunami right so we have to then become one with the mess because mess is the hallmark first of life and then definitely of children definitely if you had more than one so marry the mess so I began talking to the backpack you're not gonna kill me are you you're not gonna swallow me are you you're just inanimate but then why do I have such a reaction why do I care so much if you're here or there why can't I marry you why can't I stay in oneness even though the symmetry of my house right now is a little bit askew so I have to become one with the backpack and then the socks then the unn potty potty and you know so on and so forth this is why children come to us become one with what is and then teach we do it the other way around we're not with the oneness of the isness and then we lose up you know we're just losing it all the time so you get to decide do I want to do this every day because you're doing this every day aren't you every day you're saying say thank you say please wipe your nose clean the pot every day so don't you hear yourself I hear myself every day I can't stop it just comes out so at some point you go I have to wake up and what is the sacred lesson here there must be some sacred lesson and the sacred lesson is to not be so attached to the form of it go and hug your kid go and play with them go and lie down with them and stop obsessing with the minutiae of the form but this is what we do we always forget beautifully said now this question comes from Mahendra Peggy Rhea who is watching us online now he said how do I deal with this scenario my kid is failing at exams what is the the thing I need to do as a parent to at least ensure that my child isn't blowing away his education these are such extreme examples and parents do this to the therapist it's not fair you know they come at the end of the the epic war and then I can fix it and the answer is not simple you know it's it's being portrayed as so precipitous we parents do this you know because we have to make our case I only beat him black and blue because he was failing every test right so we're all ready to see the case is being made he is failing everything so the parent is trying to gain support for an answer they want an answer from you which says what your kid is so bad that's what they're pulling from you you know yo kid is failing everything and they want to transfer not this guy this is an example they want you to feel what they're feeling inside which is which is fear desperation because this parent like all of us would looks forward and all we see is jail and homelessness so this is what this parent is feeling in the moment and they want us there recruiting us to feel this and we all feel it so as a therapist I have gotten seduced you know I'm like let me get your kid here let me fix your kid I forget because the parent does such a good job is a trauma and making me forget and making me believe this kid is a criminal and then the kid comes and then if I had to hear the kids side of the story right you'd say something so different correct you'd say first and foremost I'm not failing at everything I can get ready on my own okay you know the kid would have a different essay because the kid has a different narrative so I can't fall into this into fear and resistance I have to understand more and what I would tell every parent is don't get trapped because the the seduction is always fear and resistance this is the design unless your kid is perfect which no kid is right what do parents expect then the default is fear and resistance so you're falling into the trap it's called failed grades today tomorrow it will be called 10 extra pounds the next day to be called a busted tire next aid we call an irate boss it doesn't matter I said it's the Schism with a thousand different faces but the hero has thousand different faces too so pull out the hero go Oh I don't look at this as failure I look at this as discovery and transform it transmuted who has the power to transform the failures of life you do same with your children but if you foresee and foretell because you think you're psychic every parent does then you're only there's only one path flipping burgers on the side of the street and peddling drugs that's where we all go we all go there with the same the fear is so disastrously abducting that it really massacres us so I can't fall into fear because if I did every every step is the pothole of fear so you get to choose every moment now do I make this take me into fear because it's legitimate fear look every grade of C or do I not buy into this and see the unmanifested it takes a lot but that's why our children come to us and those children who fail in particularly take us to the opportunity to the doorway we have to walk through it offer a higher understanding thank so speaking of grades speaking of great speaking of schooling what do you think are the things that human society across the world has to change or evolve in terms of our education systems so just to align with what I've been saying the the current paradigm is all form based it's all literal it's all quantified it's all discrete and compartmentalized and and every child is meant to be all things at all times that's all form material very material world so we have to introduce the nuance of the spiritual of the formless teaching our children that we do this so we can read and write but then a whole host of other potential is awaiting and even the spark of that in every child even in the most rigorous math class but you tell the child you know this is only math but it's not going to really make you survive when you're in an emotional pit this is just mad so always reminding the child that this is just for this moment but the true essence of life is something else that they need to cultivate and if the school can create the space for the cultivation of of inner connection really of being able for the child to be able to sit in solitude to confine the child to themselves without a distraction that is the gift to the to this child to teach them that all of this is a window dressing all of this is an icing it's an accoutrement but the real core is your connection with yourself so discover that get an A grade for that thank you so one of the things that you've written about is your belief that disciplining a child never works tell us more about that so the arcade model of discipline which is so touted as a parenting mainstay it's a fundamental premise of good parenting how do you discipline your child they're books written on it you know and no one stops the question Wow we never say how do you discipline your your husband or your wife or how do you discipline your boss so how do you discipline your friend you know why because you can't discipline you dare discipline your best friend if she shows up late for your birthday or your partner you can't so the very belief that you can discipline these children is because they're young and pliable and they're naive and the innocent and they're trusting they don't yet know that this is just laziness on your part because what is disciplined really it's everything menacing everything separating the union between parent and child it castigates one as bad yes you must castigate one as bad in the movie if you have to discipline you see to discipline your child if to set up a whole movie the reel has to be very predictable it starts with castigation of the child as evil no responsibilities of the pair parental self next the parent believes in the mythology that they hear to control and dominate they're here with the mythology that the child is here to follow the child is lesser then you see a lot of things have to be in place in order to take that stick out or to take something out that is going to punish this child so the parent is to believe lots of things one that the child is bad second that the parent needs to have utter supreme tyrannical control they'll never say it but that's what they believe number three that they are greater than the children are lesser than number four it is their right it is their right to in any way shape or form get their message instilled in the child be it with a stick or a feather and then the check the parent who is obviously in an irate state of mind is going to choose the easiest laziest way out which is to pick up the stick so you believe you're teaching your child and then you couch it as that because all the books tell you of course go ahead and do that you can take it away you can send them to timeout the conscious timeout it's called now with the cushion and some music so what it is really is your inability and every parent knows this because a child has the capacity to pull a parental authoritative pants down and he was standing there helpless right and we're like I didn't do this to once again we create helplessness in my body my whole life have been beaten down and buckled about by other authority figures and now my child refuses to bend to my will so what's happening before you want to discipline that's what I try to target what's happening before the impulse to discipline is deep helplessness right that little person has managed to make you feel so small and you're like I have felt so small for all my life and now you are recreating that in me and this book has told me that I don't need to stand for it anymore so the wrath of your little child against all the authority figures in your life now comes out at this person how many of you here can relate to that so the next question is on value systems right to what extent should we teach our kids our values versus maybe helping them find their own values where's the balance they're in just what you said is it's you whenever we say teach our children values that's where it gets scary for me because and then you said systems right because those are the right words to say it's a value system so understand its systemic a system is a system so just be aware of what it is so when I hear you know how do you teach your child a value system to me that it's the right question but the implication that we will take home is that we have to do something again we're to embody the value system and our child has every right to take it or leave it so in every moment we embody it and then the child has the choice so let's take the most basic dualistic value system of good and bad you're being good you're sharing your clothes you're sharing your shoes you're sharing your time and space but your child is this has decided to not follow your value system of sharing and so are they bad this is where you begin to see the the quality that's flim-flammery about let's teach our children our value system because then to teach them to be good now you bring out discipline so be careful because if you're here to teach then you're here to teach the level of consciousness your child has and not punish them for the one that they don't yet right so in the name of teaching a value system you then pull out anything now it's a value system you know this is not grades or money this is our deep value system those rituals were a value system and you're seeing how much value that system had right so so as a pair enough I've sometimes found myself in these type of situations kids do they have access to so much information that a result of that is that they have access to so much unrestricted information flow so in my book I wrote about this funny incident where I was driving the car with my ten-year-old and this song came on the radio and it was baby got back and there was a line in that song that said my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun and so my ten-year-old I think he was seven at that point said dad what is this song about and so I lied to him like all good fathers were they right and and I said it's about a snake that really loves bread and then and then he pause for a while and thirty seconds later he says someday when I grow up I want to write a song about a snake with healthier eating habits but but what do you do in those situations you do what you do what you do you don't say you know what the song is really about child let me tell you know you you you do it because you're trying to titrate the influx of information according to the level of great maturity that children have you know so for many years I told my daughter that chocolate cakes were very spicy know what I wouldn't eat them so lying lying to our kids every now so like it's being creative in the morning and besides besides did we tie up their hands I said I'm gonna tie up your hands don't try it she chose to me to listen to follow so no no listen listen of course I say not to lie you know but in the moment you have to be wise to the level of consciousness of your child yes so when parents say to me you know I believe in honesty and transparency shouldn't I tell my child about my abusive past or that I you know you know did all sorts of drugs again so I say no unless their consciousness can handle it in the name of honesty and transparency don't overburden your child for a level of the world that they're not ready to appetize thank you so indeed in the final ten minutes final ten minutes we have what would be some of the biggest tips you have for people over here on how they can move more into conscious parenting and you're looking at me like damn I can't I know in the last 10 minutes you just want me to fill up ten minutes with tips and strategy advice I advice advice wisdom I think to really you know drop all longing for it to be any different than what is showing up in the moment so drop that fantasy drop the expectation this is the child you got this is the parents you are this is the damage done so just it is and it's not damaged as in something that is irrevocable it's just the unconsciousness the force and the gale of your unconsciousness so don't look at it as something that is irrefutable just look at it as is and now we begin this moment again but in each moment you endeavor to come clean what does that mean to come with eyes unveiled to come with eyes clear what does that mean where you see the person before you even your own self as you really are without the imposition of how it should be yes so you take away the projection you know projection is the greatest tyrant really the psychological enemy of ourselves we project onto the other who we want them to be we hear things that we are hearing in our own melodies that don't even exist so to clear up the the screen to clear up the the veil to to dust off the window shades and to to really look out at the person the soul the spirit before you as they are without your desire for it to be anything else if there's any lesson that I keep learning and forgetting it's this is the person this is the life this is the moment this is mine here to teach me how can I wake up I can't look anywhere else the lane you're in is the lane you're meant to be so walk that and then you can change but first recognize your moment own it fully stop divorcing yourself in the hope that the next person or the next you will create a better reality don't divorce from yourself it's here and the only reality that you need to have in this reality you will burst forth Thank You Safari what was the biggest lesson you learn as a parent was when I you know I I had a pair I had a child a parent the real parent when I was in my 30s already and I had been a meditator and I was a PhD already in clinical on my way on my way to becoming a PhD in clinical psychology I thought I was going to escape the treachery of the ego for sure I've done so much work on myself and when I had the child I realized there is no preparing for this and the Epiphany that this is actually the greatest teacher the child parent relationship because every moment is unknown in life but there you see it in the parents are dynamic because children in their capacity to be so in transient to be so impertinent these beings that just don't stay loyal to who they need to be and who they were yesterday they're constantly asking you to shape-shift to form shift to let go to detach moment after moment just when you think ah I know who my kid is there's somebody else so they teach you they are the Guru's of teaching you how to live in the present moment they teach you the essence of life itself so this is complete detached full compassion full heart moment in the moment presence for living that you can ever have the one you have with your child and Thank You Farley it's just such a wealth of wisdom in what you're you're sharing with us today now was there any question that you wish I had asked you a message perhaps that you may want to convey to the people here I can't think of any does anyone else wanna rescue me any question I wish you it does someone have a profound one though let's really give a division a really profound deep one difficult Mg question I'm gonna have the mic runners just Miriam you can use okay okay so thank you very much it was very very interesting and my question is about you talked a lot about how we're supposed to react but we are a model ourselves meaning that everything we do everything we've done our children are seeing so how do we what were what we're telling our children how were trying to educate them and everything everything we're saying is one but what we've done and that they know you were talking earlier about religion the fact that were part of a religion even if we not impose it but that model how do we detach that or does for example marriage that's that's that might be something that's part of religion okay so how do you detach that from the education you're trying to give which is in itself may be different from what you would want for your kid then what you had yourself Thank You Billy so you're asking how do you become a renegade and revolutionize your ways when you've already confirmed yeah something like that yeah well you begin now that's the best way to teach your kid that I was such a fool I totally bought into all these institutions I was a slave now you're right that they've watched you be the slave and now you've woken up so you're right they will or may follow that way but at least you can okay I'm telling you that wasn't something that I'm proud of or it's not something to be so you know romanticized but at the end of the day it's okay if they also go through their own enslavement it's okay because this is the way of it so you may have been exited in freedom and they don't believe it yet because they saw you in conformity and they're like no now you've already brainwash me I'm already conditioned so I'm gonna do it the old way and you're like no no no I'm so sorry I'm so sorry please trust me learn from me but we all have to learn in our own way so the way to liberation is enslavement so it's okay you came to liberation from enslavement so enslavement of the mind yes so if your child now walks down the path which I know for example my child will because I've been so out there that my lesson will be that she will be so in there and it's okay though because it's I too was in there till I left it so so too will she so there's no fear if they join you in the liberation wow they really short-circuited their way into freedom if they're like no I want to learn the hard way and I'm not gonna learn from you okay go ahead we'll take one more question and Miriam is gonna choose from the audience Jeffrey let's give it to Jeffrey Perlman hi hi thank you dr. Shefali Jeffrey you want to stand up so we can see ya so this is Sam he's a year-and-a-half and sometimes I feel like he's carrying my shame you know I'm I job is to get out of his way but unconsciously I feel like he's carrying some my crap can you tell us a little bit about he's not he's not yet I mean you may be putting it by seeing in him you so if you're seeing him through eyes of shame he will start seeing himself through eyes of shame he's not carrying anything wittingly you're reflecting to him either his inner grandeur or his inner shame only from what you feel we can only shine through our eyes what is inside here the child is forever grand and forever worthy but when they look at us reflecting through our eyes our in a shame they feel the schism starting and they go but I'm okay I didn't do something so bad why are you yelling at me like that I remember the look on my daughter's face when she was a year and a half to two when I was losing it she was just looking at me look why are you possessed because I was so that look is from your inner schism that you're not projecting onto him and now you're believing he's carrying it so you're perpetuating it he doesn't want it he's very easily going to give it up at this age so you work on your inner wholeness and keep healing your own inner child and just do that work when you're in his presence and not even really even look at him and he will flower into his holiness or who he's meant to be so this is coming up for you because it's inside you thank you Thank You Scotty so as we wrap up firstly thank you for coming all the way here and I want you guys to know that tomorrow Shefali has another shuts she's gonna be doing another session for all of you and this is a do you want to say a little bit about we just decided Miriam and I that tomorrow morning we'll do a deeper dive into what it means to be a child raised in unconsciousness and to parent in unconsciousness a deeper dive into the the severe cultural and parental unconsciousness that we've been raised by and then I believe in the last 45 minutes we're gonna calls for the children and do an interactive exercise with your children Miriam I think we restricted it to the age of 12 but maybe if other children want to come that's fine I mean all the children so it's up to you it'll be a 45-minute a little bit of meditation connection and a deep recognition of what we are to each other so children 6 to 12 or 12 and older I think just children whatever okay so but that's in the last 45 minutes but the first two hours is really about us adults going deeper into how we've been raised so this is really a unique experience where you're gonna be in a classroom with your children guided by Shefali have an experience with your child so Shefali any final words for the audience before we say goodbye for tonight just how amazing it is to be in a group of people that are sitting at the edge of their seats because you're ready for transformation so the energy in this room and vision what you've created I know you hear it all the time but this is the Vanguard this is the precipice of the new consciousness that's going to emerge so thank you so mommy please give her a big round of applause [Applause]

Channel: Mindvalley Talks

Views: 292,972

Rating: 4.8774037 out of 5

Keywords: parenting, parenting tips, parenting styles, bad parenting, good parenting, authoritative parenting, parenting 101, dr shefali tsabary conscious parenting, dr shefali tsabary oprah, This Will Make You A Better Parent Dr. Shefali Tsabary, How to Become a Better Parent Dr. Shefali on Impact Theory, tedx talk, ted talk, shefali tsabary, how to be a better parent, mindvalley university, shefali tsabary oprah, shefali tsabary ted talk, shefali tsabary the awakened family, mindvalley

Id: Y-OqMHxspaE

Length: 62min 34sec (3754 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 29 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/PtdIns45P2]

I'm far from being a parent yet. Even though I agree with all that's said I can't but have a small fear inside my head that maybe, just maybe I'll condemn my kids to eternal damnation if I don't have them baptized.

It's the height of absurdity and I know it but it's what I feel.

What I will definitely do is expose them to all religions and let them form their own minds on what seems legit and what's nonsense.

[u/noncopticwife]

Hello all, hope you are enjoying your weekend. Just wanted to share this video, you may go straight to 26:30 - 31:00 and listen to Dr. Shefali's very interesting outlook. If you got time, and you are a parent or parent to be, you might enjoy the whole interview. Interested to hear your thoughts.